Life In Brevard County

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P@gp.c0m G. P.

Mar 27, 2002, 2:59:46 PM3/27/02
People end up in Brevard County by accident. Usually they break down on
I-95 headed for Miami or New York. Some others have older relatives here
they must visit once every few years. (for money). These older relatives
have settled in this area because of the affordable housing (Airstream
trailers). The younger residents of Brevard County are here serving for
sins committed in a previous existence.

The county is bizarrely shaped, some 18 miles wide and about 300 miles
long. It is divided into three key regions: the Palm Bay/West Melbourne
Beer Zone, the Central Crime, and the
Up-North-Part-where-Nothing-ever-Happens Zone. The Palm Bay/West Melbourne
Beer Zone has approximately 160,000 people and about 210,000 pickup trucks.
This area also includes beachside communities of Satellite Beach, Indian
Harbour Beach and Indialantic, all of which are filled with military
retirees clogging Patrick Air Force Base, home of the Air Force's 83rd
Combat Volleyball Group.

The Central Crime Zone consists of Rockledge, Cocoa, Cocoa Beach, Cape
Canavaral and Merritt Island. This area serves as the controlled substance
marketplace for Brevard County, along with other tourist attractions such
as speed traps and endangered-species-road-kill. The other zone is worth
mentioning because includes Kennedy Space Center and Cape Canaveral Air
Force Station, where most of the free world's unmanned military and
nonmilitary spacecraft are located (second only to all the roadside
fireworks stands in South Carolina). These facilities provide residents and
visitors with spectacular views of shuttle and missile mishaps.

All of Brevard County is unrelentingly humid and uncomfortable. The average
temperature is 73 degrees, but with the humidity added, it feels like 105
degrees. During the summer, brief showers make it even more miserable and
provide breeding grounds for encephalitic mosquitoes. During the winter,
the heat and humidity drop off, but the geriatric population emerges from
its April/November coma, creating a deep nostalgia for the mosquito laden
days of summer. The cooling, off shore breezes are mere rumors spread by
local real estate agents in order to sell the aged, insulation free houses
spread throughout the county.

Being so close to large bodies of algae filled intracoastal waterways and
the hurricane breeding Atlantic Ocean, one can find mindless water sports
enthusiasts year round. New comers to the area should note that in Brevard
County, running over surfers is only a misdemeanor. Boaters are also
abundant , blasting their pleasure craft throughout the waterways, with
little or no regard to wildlife or alcoholic consumption laws. Brevard
County is known as the "Saltwater Trout Capital of the World" for lack of
anything better to be called.

Numerous, unaccredited educational facilities including the University of
Central Florida (one of the top five or ten state universities in central
Florida) and the Florida Institute of Technology Flight Academy provide
expensive educational programs taught by Harris Corporation employees.
Brevard County has several primary and secondary schools that hold classes
whenever the surf is bad. Students occasionally take the SAT and ACT
college entrance exams, consistently scoring high enough to receive the
results. Once a Brevard County student entered a science fair.

The rapid growth of Brevard County has resulted in a depressed real estate
market, a male-to-female ratio of four to one, and highways without bike
lanes jammed with retires changing lanes for no apparent reason. In its
unique style, the county preserves its rich southern Klan heritage, while
exploring new places to build strip malls. It offers all who live here a
staid, catatonic lifestyle found few places outside Florida.

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