Loadsa Jokes In Here !!
The Phantom
if you have got any jokes as bad as these, mail them to me 87)
some jokes may offend, so if words like 'fuck', etc, etc
offend you, don't read any further -
--------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What have a fat bird and a moped got in common?
A. They're both a good ride but you wouldn't want your mates to see
you on one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
An Eskimo takes his snowmobile to the mechanic. The mechanic sticks
his head under the hood and has a look at the engine. Eventually he
declares, "You must have blown a seal." "Er, no," replies the Eskimo
wiping his mouth, "I think that's mayonnaise."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do mice have such tiny balls?
A: Because so very few of them can dance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between an all-girl running team and a band
of pygmies?
A: Pigmies are cunning runts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
One night, as a couple retire to bed, the husband turns to his wife
and begins caressing her. "I'm sorry darling," says the wife, "I've
got an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh." The husband, feeling rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and tries his luck again. This
time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist's appointment
tomorrow too?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do crabs have bags under their eyes?
A: Because they only sleep in snatches.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
An aged couple are in bed making love. "Careful," says the old girl,
"I've got acute angina." "That's good," gasps the old geezer, "'Cause
your tits are knackered."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Three missionaries are caught by savages in the jungle. The chief
savage decides they have good skins and orders them to be executed and
made into canoes. Each is given a last wish. The first asks for a pen
and paper and writes a farewell letter home. The second asks for his
pipe and has a last smoke. The third asks for a fork. The chief savage
looks puzzled but complies, whereupon the missionary begins to
repeatedly stab himself, shouting, "You're not making a bloody canoe
out of me!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton is driving up to the White House when he runs over Socks
the cat and kills it stone dead. Next to the cat he finds a lamp. He
rubs it and out comes a genie which grants him a single wish. "Revive
the cat," says Bill. "Sorry," replies the genie, "That's too
difficult." "OK," says Bill, "Make my daughter, Chelsea beautiful."
"Wait a minute," answers the genie, "Let me take another look at that
cat."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?
A: Because Ken comes in a different box.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man telephones his office and says, "Sorry, I can't come into work
today, I'm sick." "How sick are you?" asks his boss. "Well," he
replies, "I'm in bed with my sister."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between "Ooooh!" and "Aaahhhh!"?
A. About four inches
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call a chicken in a white shell-suit?
A. An egg
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull terrier.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their
car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!" So the
other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! Fuck off!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spit, swallow and gargle
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of Australian aristocracy?
A: A man who can trace his lineage back to his father.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman tells her friend she's received a bunch of flowers from her
husband. "I suppose I'll have to spend the entire weekend on my back
with my legs in the air," she says, to which her friend replies, "Why,
don't you have a vase?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between an Australian and a yoghurt?
A. A yoghurt has a living culture.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the
doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle.
After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What's
the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I
tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with
her right hand, then her left. The she tried it with her teeth in and
with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody
bottle."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About eight pints.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What has a bunch of balls and screws old ladies?
A. A bingo machine
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A boat is sinking fast when the Captain runs on deck and shouts to the
passengers, "Hey, listen, do any of you know any prayers?" A big Texan
steps up and says, "Yessir, I do." "Oh, good," replies the Captain,
"You'd better get started because we're a life jacket short."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What does an Essex girl use for protection when she has sex?
A. A bus shelter
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?
A. Because his wife died.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand. "What's
going on `ere then?" Says a passing policeman. "They stole me bloody
car!" shouts the drunk. "Where did you last see it?" asks the copper.
"On the end of this key!" wails the drunk. The policeman looks him
over and says,"Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of
your trousers?". "Holy shit!" screams the drunk, "They got me
girlfriend too!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Three cowboys are sitting round a fire. The first starts to tell yarns
about how he's the toughest cowboy ever. The second disagrees, and
starts to tell stories about how he's the toughest cowboy ever. The
third just sits silently by the fire, patiently stirring the coals
with his penis.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A:They both capture the moment.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar and sees a dog licking its balls. He turns to
the bartender and says, "I wish I could do that." The bartender
replies, "Give him a biscuit and he might let you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between 365 used tyres and 365 used condoms?
A. One was a Goodyear, one was a great year.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is watching a lion taming act at the circus. The lion tamer's
finale involves holding his genitalia between the lion's gaping jaws
for a full two minutes. This is greeted with rapturous applause.
Afterwards the lion tamer promises 1000 pounds to anyone who will try
the trick. The man leaps up and shouts, "I'll try, but I'm not sure I
can hold my mouth that wide for so long."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?
A: A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The President wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House
window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine.
Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found.
Later that day the FBI agents return. "Well sir," says the first
agent, "the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice President's".
The President goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?" "Well
no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did God create women?
A: Because sheep can't cook.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants
walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother,
"What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies. "No, under
the tail," says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and
says, "Oh, nothing." The boy turns to his father and repeats the same
question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis,
son." "So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy. The father
draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that
woman."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.What's the difference between meat and fish?
A. If you beat your fish it dies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why does an elephant have four feet?
A. Because eight inches isn't enough.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of genetic scientists post an ad in the local paper. It reads,
"Individual wanted to mate with ape, 5000." The next day a man
telephones and agrees to the experiment on three simple conditions.
The scientists are all ears. "First," says the man, "my wife must
never know. Second, the children must have a religious upbringing. And
third, if I can pay in installments, I'm definitely interested."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you get virgin wool?
A: From ugly sheep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom?
A. A mugger snatches watches.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sitting next to each other on a
trans-Atlantic flight. Suddenly, the plane plummets out of control. In
panic, the woman turns to the man, tears off her blouse and cries,
"Make me feel like a woman one more time!" Rising to the occasion, the
man tears off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
--
!!!!!
(/O-O\)
.ooo ( U ) ooo.
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
- From 'Big Pete' a.k.a 'The Phantom' -
- E-MAIL : Pha...@Spods.Dcs.Kcl.Ac.Uk -
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
_(_) (_)_
(___) (___)