Lawyer Joke Collection??
Alan Zengel
I remember a collection of lawyer jokes being posted on the newsgroup.
Can someone please post it again. My lawyer friend would have a ball
if I could locate it for him.
Corky Freeman
Q:what is the difference between a lawyer & a carp?
A:Ones a scum sucking bottom feeder, & the others a fish!
Dreamar111 wrote in message
<19971223001...@ladder02.news.aol.com>...
>>azengel requested:
>>I remember a collection of lawyer jokes being posted on the newsgroup.
>>Can someone please post it again. My lawyer friend would have a ball
>>if I could locate it for him.
>
>I have some here..not all but enough to get you going...
>
><B>Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?</B>
>To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.
><B>Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?</B>
>Because if one side has one, the other side has to get one. Then, once they
are
>
>launched, they cannot be recalled, & when they land, they screw up
everything
>forever.
><B>Did you hear that the post office had to recall a recent stamp
release?</B>
>The stamps had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out
which
>side to spit on.
><B>The "Lawyers Creed</B>":
>A man is innocent until proven broke.
><B>What's the difference between a female attorney and a pit bull? </B>
>Lipstick.
><B>What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? </B>
>Skeet!
><B>What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
</B>
>Chelsea!
><B>Say that you're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and an
>attorney. You have a gun, but only two bullets. What should you do?</B>
>Shoot the attorney twice.
><B>What's the difference between God and a lawyer?</B>
>God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
><B>What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? </B>
>A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
><B>What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?</B>
>A vampire only sucks blood at night.
><B>What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? </B>
>A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.
><B>What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?</B>
>Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
><B>What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in
>the road?</B>
>There are skid marks in front of the dog.
><B>Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their
>experiments? </B>
>1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats;
>2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers, and
>3. There are some things a rat just won't do.
>What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory
>experiments
>It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
><B>What are lawyers good for? </B>
>They make used car salesmen look good.
><B>What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? </B>
>A Doberman pinscher.
><B>What did the lawyer name his daughter? </B>
>Sue.
><B>What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law
before
>the criminal gets arrested? </B>
>An accomplice.
><B>What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law
after
>the criminal gets arrested? </B>
>A lawyer.
><B>What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? </B>
>A good start.
><B>How can you tell when your lawyer is lying? </B>
>His lips move.
><B>How do you save a drowning lawyer?</B>
>Take your foot off his head.
><B>How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? </B>
>Cut the rope.
><B>What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement? </B>
>Not enough cement.
><B>What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure? </B>
>The bucket.
><B>What do lawyers use for birth control?</B>
>Their personalities
>
>Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
>A: A good start!
>Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
>A: His lips are moving.
>Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in
>the road?
>A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
>Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
>A: Professional courtesy.
>Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
>A: Not enough sand.
Dreamar111
Dreamar111
>I remember a collection of lawyer jokes being posted on the newsgroup.
>Can someone please post it again. My lawyer friend would have a ball
>if I could locate it for him.
>
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
----
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How
much do you want it to be?"
-----
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign
remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain
store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
Stan Thines
>I remember a collection of lawyer jokes being posted on the newsgroup.
>Can someone please post it again. My lawyer friend would have a ball
>if I could locate it for him.
Lawyer Jokes
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a
position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The
engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of
questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer
excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations
before returning to the boardroom and announcing, "Four." The
physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.
Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the
library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with
the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also
announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the
same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the
last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the
door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening
devices, and asked, "How much do you want it to be?"
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on
the same day. St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters, greeted
the Pope first. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to
that found in a low-grade Motel 6-type establishment. The lawyer was
then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private
swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The
attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really
quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such
small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred
Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a
lawyer."
Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
A: No.
Reply: Good!
Q: Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: Why do male attorneys usually wear tight shirt collars and ties?
A: It keeps their foreskins from creeping up and covering their
faces.
Q: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
A: His lips begin to move.
Q: How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead
in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
A: With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, he'll have the janitor do it.
But, you'll get the following bill:
Item
Charge (What it really means)
Lawyer's time (1 hr. Min.).........$400
you sucker
Connectivity charge..................$100
he called janitor
Staff charges.............................$250
secretary prepared bill
Research fees............................$422
BMW payment due
Consulting fees..........................$431
Sr. Partner's BMW bill
Specialized equipment...............$122
bought bulb
Delivery expenses.....................$ 34
had messenger deliver it
Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge..........$394
2nd partner Volvo bill
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all
happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told
him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney
immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that
he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be
heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was
unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then
approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange
an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to
change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be
heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the
judges."
As Mr. Smith was on his deathbed, he attempted to formulate a plan
that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth
with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer,
his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you
each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place
the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral,
each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I
have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would
have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very
badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I
only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another,
I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the
coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed
sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000
and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the
machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that
Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my
envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full
$30,000."
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no
longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place,
they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this
decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached
to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't
do.
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked
"Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied
that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man
then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man
asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the
lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his
eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician
asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief
on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
Q: What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school? A: A
f***ing know-it-all.
Q: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?
A: A great place to start.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a
Porsche?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex?
A: Because it's all bad and some is worse.
A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country
club one-day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their
respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager
was placed on whom had the most intelligent dog. The physician
offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot,
"Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to
do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while,
producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country
club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human
skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him
a cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally
impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran
in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the
skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model
of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!"
Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately
sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj
Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside
to play golf.
Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was
destroyed and there were no survivors.
Bad News: There were three empty seats.
Q: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in
sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman pinscher.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the
criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person
assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets
arrested; we call him a defense lawyer.
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments
on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of
Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to
protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm
much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did
seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to
check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney,
"I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your
age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients,
and you're at least 108."
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest
pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways
meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was
at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been
blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the
rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals
then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the
problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was
the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his
reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he
looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the
same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the
rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try
to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started
by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he
announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet,
and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny
rabbit!" The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and
proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the
snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly,
you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all
the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously
desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal
attorney in town?" The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."
Q: How do you get an attorney out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted
to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper
for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on
a price, and the brass rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the
customer as he took the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the
shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any
circumstances." The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he
walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley
and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and
milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up,
and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of
rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the
river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed
the brass rat, and soon all had drowned. The man returned to the
curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, "I told
you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat!" The
customer replied, "That's no problem. I just wondered if you had a
brass lawyer in stock."
A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling
together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant
city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to
seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed
them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and
that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm
animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take
the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of
the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief
standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs
in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone
called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with
the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the
door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded
him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that
every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's
worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in
desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed
like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was
heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood
the very indignant cows and pigs.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a
headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The
little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked
"Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that
her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not
sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy
it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said
that it didn't. The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no
reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like,
so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was
mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The
doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan
appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition
for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.
Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you,
and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange
is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of
your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all
your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a
moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
It was so cold last week that I saw several attorneys with their hands
in their own pockets.
Q: What's the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists?
A: You can negotiate with terrorists.
A woman wrote to Dear Abby: I have a dilemma. I am about to get
married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiance'. My mother
is a well-known madam, my father is a convict, and my brother is a
lawyer. My sister sells heroin to the children at the school down the
street. She started doing that after my father got sent to prison for
molesting her. I also have a problem - I'm wanted in three states for
embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my
question: how do I tell my fiance' about my brother the lawyer?
A hitchhiker is standing on the roadside near the law school with his
thumb out. A motorist stops, and asks, "Are you a lawyer?" He tells
him that he is not. The motorist drives off. A second motorist stops
and asks, "Are you a lawyer?" He again replies that he is not. The
motorist drives off. A third motorist, this time a striking,
voluptuous blonde, stops, and asks, "Are you a lawyer?" The
hitchhiker says that he is. The girl tells him to get in, and off
they go. After a few minutes of admiring the driver, the hitchhiker
exclaims, "This is really something. I've only been a lawyer for five
minutes, and already I'm thinking about screwing somebody!"
GEORGIA 1997-1998 SEASON AND BAG LIMIT ON ATTORNEYS
1. Any person with a valid Georgia hunting license may harvest
attorneys.
2. Attorneys may be taken with traps and deadfalls. Currency may
not be used as bait.
3. Attorneys may not be killed with a motorized vehicle. If
accidentally struck,
the hunter should move the carcass to the roadside, and proceed
to a car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a
recreational vehicle, watercraft, or aircraft. Marked police vehicles
may be used as shooting platforms.
5. It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH," "AMBULANCE," or "FREE
SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW or
Mercedes dealerships.
7. It is unlawful for a hunter to disguise himself as a
reporter, drug dealer, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim,
physician, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
attorneys.
8. Care should be used so as not to endanger any remaining species.
We would not want a repetition of the disaster that followed
the "no limit" season on the subspecies "Honest Lawyer." That
particular variety is now extinct.
Excessive harvesting of other species could dry up the supply
of palm grease, cheap three-piece suits, and forked tongues that
efficient dressing of lawyers' carcasses yield.
SPECIAL NOTE: There is a $500 bounty on Silver-Tongued Narcotics
Dealer-Defenders.
No season, no limit.
A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was $50.00 for three
questions. "Isn't that awfully steep?" he asked. "Yes," the lawyer
replied, "and what was your third question?"
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey the
most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
It seemed that the son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from
college and was considering the future. He went to his father, who
had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the
corner where he could observe his father's activities. He could be
introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. This way, he could
decide on whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this
to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately.
On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a
rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began
the conversation as follows:
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a
ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their
crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows,
tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and
belief that I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Gonzales died and his
son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were
raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his. In short,
we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows."
The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in. A young,
well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class. "My name is
Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the town," he said. "For
many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops
and animals, including some cows. The cows have been raised on my
land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the
tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them,
they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the
cows."
"I heard enough. I'll take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE
COWS!"
After the client left, the son came over to his father with a
look of concern. "My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems
to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows."
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be
ours!"
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney
charged her $100.. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was
stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together,
the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my
partner?"
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The
client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came
back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The
lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has
triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his
place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a
beautiful woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast
for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful
woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan
snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He
declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be
interested in taking the case.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either
being made.
The reason that there is a penalty for laughing in court is that
otherwise the jury would never be able to hear the evidence.
A jury is a collection of people banded together to decide who hired
the better lawyer.
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law
school tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid
it back right after his first case. When asked how he managed that,
he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
The rooster clucks defiance.
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He
stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in
particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." One of the locals spoke up
on hearing this: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse
country."
The lawyer wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling
him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The lawyer
replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of
twelve."
Did you hear about the lawyer who stepped in cow dung, and thought
that he was melting?
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among
them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The
physician said, "Remember that, on the sixth day, God took a rib from
Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore,
medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But,
before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and
confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering
is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up,
"Yes, but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching
tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night. He entered
the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers
gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business.
Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle. Dow told the men who he
was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a
tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of
the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I
see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to
impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his
office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and
spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm
not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month.
I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had
just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing,"
replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their
professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
The following is the text from a pamphlet attached to "Gummy Lawyers"
candies, which are shaped like tiny sharks:
Gummy Lawyers: Like the real thing, they'll leave a bad taste in
your mouth.
Soon the irate calls will pour in. Folks will protest the
preposterousness of packaging sharks in airtight bags and labeling
them as Gummy Lawyers. Perhaps they're right. Such mean-spiritedness
is unfair. To the sharks.
Ichthyologists - scientists who study fish - contend that sharks,
dreaded carnivores of the deep, have simply been given a bad rap.
They may stalk, snap at and swallow their prey alive, but, after all,
they have to eat. So far, no one has successfully defended lawyers
for preying on an unwitting public. Beyond that, the similarities
between the two species make them well-nigh indistinguishable:
"Shark" comes from the German "schurke," meaning greedy
parasite. While no brave soul has gotten close enough to determine
where lawyers come from, logic and common sense dictate a similar
derivation.
-Sharks, unlike most fish, have no bones; their skeletons are made
entirely of cartilage. -Lawyers, too, are spineless - as willing to
argue one side of a case as the other. For the right price.
Best known as scavengers of the dead and dying, sharks have well-honed
sensors with which they can track the sounds of other injured and
struggling beings.They are also equipped with fine senses of smell
that allow them to detect minute dilutions of blood (one part blood to
one million parts water) up to one-quarter mile away. Precisely the
distance a hopeful personal injury lawyer will run behind an ambulance
to toss a business card.
From the moment of birth, sharks' skin is tough and rough -covered
with thousands of tiny hard teeth call denticles that abrade any
passerby made of softer stuff. Lawyers are also thick-skinned.
Easily identified by their humorlessness and abrasive personalities,
they are the bane of many social gatherings.
For many years, tiger sharks were the only animals known to harm each
other while still in the womb; the first two sharks to hatch eat all
the other egg capsules. It was then discovered that while budding
lawyers are somewhat more subtle, they are just as deadly. Entire
families have been found, bored to death, by the constant
pronouncements of precocious lawyers-to-be.
A shark will swallow anything - up to half its own size - in one gulp.
Several hundred years ago, a naturalist wrote that the headless body
of a knight in armor was found in a white shark's stomach. Inside
another was more recently found a sea lion, a horse and the body of
another seven-foot-long shark. Lawyers, too, will swallow anything -
even their pride - as increasing numbers of lawyer hopefuls trudge to
law school each year for three years of browbeating in the hopes
of financing their Porsches.
Some sharks even prey on their own kind. The smell and taste of blood
in the water can trigger them into an obsessed Feeding Frenzy, in
which they often eat their own bodies while twisting and turning to
get more food. This is not unlike the Litigation Frenzy, where
lawyers are pitted against other lawyers, and ultimately themselves,
to waste reams of paper while losing sight of a fair resolution for
their clients.
A doctor, a priest and a lawyer are caught out at sea when a storm
breaks, battering their small boat with sheets of rain and blasts of
wind. Looking off the bow, they spot still more cause for pause: the
surrounding waters are thick with circling sharks. As the storm
intensifies, it is clear that their only hope for survival is to swim
for shore for help. The three draw straws, and the lawyer, who gets
the shortest, bravely jumps overboard. At once, he is approached by a
toothy shark. "Jump on my back and I'll take you in," says the shark.
The lawyer hops on and grabs a fin. The doctor and priest are
awestruck. "Hey," explains the shark. "It's just professional
courtesy.
("Gummy Lawyers" are available for $5.31 postpaid from Nolo
Press, 950 Parker St., Berkeley, CA 94710)
Q: The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an expensive, dishonest
lawyer are in the same room. There is a $500 bill on a table in the
room. When they leave, the money is gone. Who took it?
A: Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy or an honest
lawyer, the answer is obvious.
Q: What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor
was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and
remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for
medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a
bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly
acceptable to do so. So, the next day, the doctor sent the
ulcer-stricken man a bill.
The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
Q: What do you call parachuting lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Two lawyers were walking along the beach, when they saw two
gorgeous girls lying in the sand. One lawyer said to the other, "Hey,
let's go over there and screw those two girls." The other lawyer
replied, "Sure. Out of what?"
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
A: Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
A: The vulture eventually lets go.
Q: What separates police officers from the lowest form of life on
the earth?
A: In the courtroom, it's the partitions around the witness stand.
Q: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: "Good morning, your honor."
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself,
"I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving,
he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was
totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed. A good Samaritan drove ny and
cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding - my God, your left arm is
gone!" The lawyer, horrified, screamed, "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a
double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his
pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some
time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that
he's had enough. The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's
with the pocket business?" The man replied, "I have my lawyer's
picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two lawyers arguing over a penny.
A Bar Association charter flight was hijacked by terrorists. When the
terrorists made their press release, they said that, until their
demands were met, they would release one lawyer per hour.
A man wanted very badly to see a Broadway play, but it took a year to
get tickets. He put in his order and waited. Finally, the big day
came and he went off to the theatre. When he sat down, he saw a man
in the seat in front of him, with an empty seat adjacent. In
conversation, he learned that the man was an attorney, and that he had
purchased the other seat for his wife, who was unable to come at the
last moment. The astonished man asked the lawyer why he would let
such a valuable commodity go to waste, not giving it to a friend or
relative who wanted to come to the play. The lawyer replied, "Yes,
several of those wanted to come, but they're all at my wife's
funeral."
Lawyer: someone who makes sure that he gets what's coming to you.
Q: What do you get if you beat the shit out of a lawyer?
A: An empty suit.
There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them
studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.
Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted
island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need any aspirin.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
A lawyer discussing trial strategy with his partner said, "When I
address the jury, I'll plead for clemency."
"Nothing doing!" shouted his partner. "Let Clemency get his own
lawyer!"
Q: What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer?
A: You can make a pet out of the snake.
Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
Q: Why should lawyers always be buried face down?
A: If they wake up, they'll start digging.
Q: While driving down a desert highway, you see Saddam Hussein on
one side of the road, and a lawyer on the other. Which do you hit
first?
A: Hussein. Business before pleasure.
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is
a fish.
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of
them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot
to lock the safe!" The other partner replied, "What are you worried
about? We're both here."
Q: Why is it dangerous for lawyers to walk onto a construction
site when plumbers are working?
A: The plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
A man went to a brain surgeon to request a brain transplant . He
noted prices were different for brains available from various donors.
A doctor's brain was $500, a banker's brain was $1500, and a
scientist's brain was $2500. Then, he noticed in a far recess of the
shelf, a jar marked with a price tag of $50,000. When he inquired
about the unusually high price, he was told, "Oh, that's a lawyer's
brain - it's never been used!"
Two boys were walking in the woods when one boy spied a nut on the
ground. When the other boy picked it up, they started to argue. One
boy said, "The nut is mine, I saw it first." The other boy said, "The
nut is mine, I have it in my possession." They were just about to
fight when, luckily, along came a lawyer. The boys appealed to the
lawyer to adjudicate their dispute. The lawyer thanked the boys for
the opportunity and said, "I will settle your dispute this way.
Because you saw the nut first, I will give you this half. Because you
had the nut in your possession, I will give you this half. And, for
my fee, I'll keep the meat."
A man went to a lawyer for a defense after he had been caught
embezzling millions from his employer. He was concerned about going
to jail, but was told by the attorney, "Don't worry - you'll never go
to jail with all that money." The lawyer was right. When the man went
to prison, he didn't have a dime.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a football?
A: You get only three points for kicking a football between the
uprights.
Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The
rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears
shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what
seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail.
The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start
anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue,
again in the same place. He decides to confront the after tiger, and
asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?" The other tiger
replied: "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was
trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
Q: Why are there so many lawyers?
A: No one would stand in line to see one.
Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The
first said: "I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash
with color inside." The second doctor said, "I much prefer engineers.
When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered."
"Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys. They
have only two parts - their mouth and their rears - and those are
interchangeable."
Q: What's the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
"You're a cheat!" shouted the lawyer's client. "You're a scoundrel!
You've kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case alone!"
"That's gratitude," said the offended lawyer. "And right after I
named my new yacht after you."
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?"
A: A leech will drop off when its victim dies.
Q: A lawyer and an IRS agent jump off the Empire State Building
at the same time. Who will hit first?
A: Who cares?
After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury
cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school
classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown. He crossed the
deck, seized his friend's hand, and said, 'Hello, Pete. I haven't
seen you in years. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing
law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell my mother. She thinks I'm
still a pimp."
Q: What do you get if you cross a lawyer with a drunk pig?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a drunk pig won't do.
You've heard of the car that runs on methane gas from chicken shit?
They have made it into a perpetual motion machine by giving free rides
to lawyers.
A farmer had just bought the best used car he could afford, and he was
driving it home. One of the town's lawyers was hitching a ride by the
side of the road where his BMW had broken down. The farmer picked him
up. Being his usual degrading self, the lawyer asked the farmer, "How
do you like this new manure spreader you got here?" The farmer
replied, "Don't know yet. You're the first load I've hauled."
If builders built buildings the way lawyers write laws, the first
woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: They're both squirmy, both live in slime, and only one in 250
million accomplishes anything worthwhile.
Two doctors were discussing a case in the psych ward. The first doc
asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the
patient. The second one answered, "He's a lawyer. One day at home,
he started to think about how much money he'd screwed his partners and
clients out of over the last few years. He laughed so hard he
defecated in his pants. When he smelled the foul odor he had created,
he checked for the source. Finding his trousers full of the stuff, he
thought he was leaking. This caused him to go into shock and faint.
When he woke up, he found he had fallen on his arm, breaking it."
The first doc asked, "He went mad because he broke an arm?" The
second medico answered, "No, he went mad because he couldn't figure
out how to sue himself!"
Q: What is the difference between a flea and a lawyer?
A: One is a parasite that sucks the living blood out of you and
is linked with the Black Death. The other is a small insect.
A fellow walks into a bar with a ten-inch, scowling man on his
shoulder. He orders a drink. The little man jmups off the shoulder,
drinks a third of the drink and climbs back up. The fellow then
orders a sandwich. The little man likewise devours a third of the
sandwich. After this goes on for two more drinks, the bartender
says, "Hey buddy, I don't usually pry into customers' private
affairs, but what the heck is it with that little guy?" The customer
replies, "Well, I found a bottle on the beach. When I uncorked it,
out popped a genie. He gave me one wish. I asked for a 10-inch
prick, and the genie shrunk my lawyer!"
??
garak
>I remember a collection of lawyer jokes being posted on the newsgroup.
>Can someone please post it again. My lawyer friend would have a ball
>if I could locate it for him.
>
you have friend who`s a lawyer? pervert!
Don Schullian
>I remember a collection of lawyer jokes being posted on the newsgroup.
>Can someone please post it again. My lawyer friend would have a ball
>if I could locate it for him.
All yours....
Have a good day,
Don Schullian
Reply to: d...@ath.forthnet.gr
www.basicguru.com/schullian
www.basicguru.com
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::: /TITLE Lawyers and the Legal "Profession"
::::: /COUNT 097
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What do sperm and lawyers have in common?
A: Both have a one in a million chance of becoming human.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a shark?
A: The shark has ethics...
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet underground?
A: Because, deep down, they're good guys
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What do you have when you drop a dozen lawyers into the sea?
A: Room for lots more.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't fit your finger between the noose and his neck.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What's the definition of a total waste?
A: A bus-load of lawyers goes over a cliff with three empty seats.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: No one crys when you slice into a lawyer.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and
a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetary
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning,
its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk. The other three are mythological creatures.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and
forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of
failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the
front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just
inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the
carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned
agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder
or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being
non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third
part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").
This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same
document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in
a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most
possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known
as "Partnership."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
In the doctor's office....
She: Doctor, can one get pregnant from anal intercourse?
Doc: Certainly! Where do you think lawyers come from?
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM COURT RECORDS:
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything
about it until the next morning?
L: What heppened then?
W: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
L: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Were you alone or by yourself.
How long have you been a French Canadian?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
L: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
W: That's me.
L: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
L: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
W: By death.
L: And by whose death was it terminated?
L: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
W: I'll be three months on November 8.
L: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
W: Yes.
L: What were you doing at that time?
L: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
W: I used to be.
L: How many times have you committed suicide?
So you were gone until you returned?
L: She had three children, right?
W: Yes.
L: How many were boys?
W: None.
L: Were there girls?
You don't know what it was,
and you didn't know what it looked like,
but can you describe it?
L: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
W: Yes.
L: And these stairs, did they go up also?
L: Have you lived in this town all your life?
W: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a
stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like
to strike the next question."
L: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of
Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
W: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
L: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
W: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy!
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run
those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Two partners from the same firm are driving home from the office....
Party of the 1st part: Oh, shit. I forgot to lock the safe.
Party of the 2ed part: What are you worried about?
We're both here in the car!
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Man goes to a lawyer.
Client: I want to ask three questions.
I'll pay $7,000 for each answer but they have to be absolutely
honest. Do you understand?
Lawyer: Yes, perfectly.
Now, what're the other two questions?
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain
offerred at this particular brain store.
Shopper: How much for Engineer brain?
Butcher: 3 dollars an ounce.
Shopper: How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?
Butcher: 4 dollars an ounce.
Shopper: How much for lawyer brain?
Butcher: 100 dollars an ounce.
Shopper: Why is lawyer brain so much more?
Butcher: Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to
get one ounce of brain?
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and said, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and
demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there
were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his
surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long
line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter
and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him
up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me
so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you
billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193
years old!"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
more of them."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after
he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the
deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because
he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that
dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the
witness.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes
and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into
the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone
waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they
got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client,
but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't
tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry
yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And
the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must
be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and
make the front page of the New York Times:
"Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
you're going to find a lawyer?"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they
were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.
Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit,
but the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.
This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being
conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2) Lawyers breed faster.
3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies
won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4) There are some things even a rat won't do.
However, it is sometimes very hard to exterpolate our test results
to human beings.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the
country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer,
the lawyer would invite a different friend of his spend a week or two up
at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay
with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living
in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czeck friend
went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around
the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous
quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town
as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff
grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just
had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled
his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" cried the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who
told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some
into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of
the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we
produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it
away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the
bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and
begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world:
Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we
have so many of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that,
he throws the pack of Havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody
is quite impressed.
The American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer
through it...
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right
to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
[Attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher
hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would
be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from
the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country
when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a
farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he
had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with
the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the
beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom
door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is
a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with
a pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious
problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst
through the bedrrom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep
in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had
no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the pig
entered...
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I need a new lawyer.
Mine got killed when an ambulance suddenly backed up.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I just read an interesting novel about two ex-convicts.
One studies and becomes a lawyer, and the other goes straight.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
By the way, 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a
deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his
sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they
were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these
things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St.
Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a
panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy,
correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15
cents and tell him to go to hell."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he
means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on
your feet.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
It was so cold last winter that
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his _OWN_ pockets.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and ....
Customer: Do you serve lawyers here?
BarKeep: Sure do.
Customer: Good! Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I once saw a cute cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
*****************************************************************
1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The Defense is questioning Mr. Smith, a robbery victim.
Defense: Mr. Smith, you were held up at gunpoint on the corner
of Fifth Avenue and Main Street on August 7th, is that
correct?
Smith: Yes, that's correct.
Defense: Did you struggle with the alleged robber?
Smith: No.
Defense: Why in the world not?
Smith: He was armed.
Defense: Then you made a conscious decision to comply with his demands
rather than resist?
Smith: Yes.
Defense: Have you ever given money away before?
Smith: I didn't give it away, it was...
Defense: (interrupting) Please answer the question, Mr. Smith.
Lawyer: Objection, your Honor! Mr. Smith's financial history is
irrelevant to these proceedings.
Defense: Oh no, it most certainly is not. In fact I am trying to
establish a pattern here which may explain the happenings on
August 7th. If the witness has an extensive history of giving
money away, then his honesty about the so-called "robbery"
would reasonably come under question.
Judge: Objection overruled. Please answer the question Mr. Smith.
Defense: Now, Mr. Smith, do you ever give money away?
Smith: Yes, of course.
Defense: And you do so willingly?
Smith: Of course. What are you getting at?
Defense: Do you enjoy giving away money?
Smith: Yes, that's why I do it.
Defense: Well, let's put it like this, Mr. Smith, shall we? You've
given money away in the past. In fact it is quite possible
that the defendant recognized you as someone who has quite
a reputation for philanthropy. How can we be sure that you
did not _want_ to have your money taken by force? And even
if you didn't want it taken _this_ time, how can we expect
the defendant to have known that?
Smith: That's ridiculous! If I had...
Defense: (interrupting) And how much did you give the man?
Smith: I didn't _give_...
Judge: (interrupting) Answer the question please Mr. Smith.
Defense: How much did you give him?
Smith: One hundred dollars.
Defense: One hundred dollars? That doesn't seem like a lot for someone
who has given away so much money before.
Smith: Uh... It was very traumatic. I felt my life was in danger.
Defense: Yes, well we know that's your story. So you were carrying one
hundred dollars in cash. What time did the robbery take place?
Smith: Around eleven at night.
Defense: You were out on the streets alone at eleven p.m. with one
hundred dollars in cash? Doing what, for heaven's sake?
Smith: Just walking.
Defense: Just walking? Don't you know that it's dangerous to be out
on the street late at night? Weren't you aware that you could
be held up?
Smith: I hadn't really thought about it. I was just walking.
Defense: Are you sure you weren't LOOKING for someone to give money to?
Smith: NO! I WAS JUST OUT FOR A WALK!
Judge: I will have no outbursts like that in my courtroom, Mr. Smith.
Defense: And what were you wearing?
Smith: A suit.
Defense: An expensive suit?
Smith: Well, I am a successful business person.
Defense: Don't you think it is rather foolish to wear an expensive suit
after midnight when you are carrying a hundred dollars?
Smith: But it wasn't after midnight, it was eleven pm.
Defense: So you do admit then that it _would_ be foolish to be out after
midnight?
Smith: That's not what I said. I was just correcting...
Judge: (interrupting) Answer the question Mr. Smith.
Smith: No, I don't think that it would be foolish.
Defense: So, in other words, Mr. Smith, you were walking the streets
late at night in a bad part of town, wearing a suit that
practically _advertised_ the fact that you might be a good
target for easy money, isn't that so? I mean, Mr. Smith, one
might logically conclude that you were asking for this to
happen.
Smith: But I...
Defense: (interrupting) The defense rests, your Honor.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
One evening after the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the
avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive lady
walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said, "I'd
give fifty dollars to spend the night with that woman". To their
surprise she overheard that remark, and turning around said, "I'll
take you up on that". She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice
so, after bidding his companion goodnight, the man accompanied the
lady to her apartment where they immediately went to bed.
The following morning the man presented her with twenty-five dollars
as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating
"If you don't give me the other $25, I'll sue you for it". He laughed,
saying, "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds".
The next day he was surprised to get a summons ordering his presence
in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and
explained the details of the case. The lawyer said, "She can't possibly
get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting
to see how her case is presented".
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court
as follows: "your honor, this lady is my client. She is the owner of a
piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse of shrubs,
which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified
length of time, for the sum of fifty dollars. The defendant took
possession of the property, used it offensively for the purpose for
which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, my client only
received $25, or half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not
excessive since it is restricted property, and we ask the judgment be
granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance".
The defendant's lawyer was both amused and impressed at the way his
opponent had presented the case for the lady. His defense therefore,
was somewhat altered from what he had originally planned to present.
"Your honor, my client agrees that some pleasure was derived from the
transaction, however my client found a well on the property, around
which he placed his stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump. All labor
was performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property to
be sufficient to off-set the unpaid amount, and the plaintiff was
adequately compensated foe the rental of said property. We therefore
ask that judgment not be granted to the plaintiff".
The lady's lawyer's then stated: "Your honor, my client agrees that
the defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make
improvements such as have been described. However, had the defendant
not known this well existed, he never would have rented the property.
Further, upon evacuating the property, the defendant removed the stones,
pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him, and in doing so he not
only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much
larger than it was prior to his occupancy, and we therefore ask the
judgment be granted".
And she GOT IT...
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself
beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something
in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny
object up to the light,slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he
rolled it between his fingers,adding,"But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"
The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and
feels like rubber."
The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The
attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it
closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I
don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"
The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
In the lawyer's office....
Client: I want you to help me obtain a divorce.
My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.
Lawyer: What do you mean?
Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?
Client: No, he'd just rather sleep with the little queer.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.
Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to
be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to
donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for
two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family," he
explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical
research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted,
he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so
much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied,
"If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep a million,
and we'll send the engineer!"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed,
life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and
unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve
dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars
more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he
replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat
under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live
rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously
looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he
passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time
he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and
people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks
into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant
lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as
he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to
run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing
hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he
comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks
long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post,
grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco
Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and
clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide
of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah,
so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No,"
says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time
to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his
capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina,
snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and
said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow
your brains out."
The bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the
Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the
loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "Fuck off."
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A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would
see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer
walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a
loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the
truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought
he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest,
"Where are you going, Father?".
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy
priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down
the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and
instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a
priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the
road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he
missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors
and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said,
"I'm sorry about that, Father."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
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