Welcome to alt.tasteless! (Monthly Posting)

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James Limmer

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Apr 19, 1993, 7:06:42 PM4/19/93
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You all should probable read this again...

In article <1993Mar23.1...@odin.diku.dk> ca...@diku.dk (Saint Ool) writes:
>Archive-name: tasteless-faq
>[110 lines of intro (takes 2 min. to read -without laughing), 710 lines of info]
>
> WELCOME TO ALT.TASTELESS
>
>1. What is alt.tasteless?
>
>A newsgroup devoted to tasteless phenomena in all its forms.
>A place for people with a twisted and sick sense of humour.
>In alt.tasteless we like to get into the details: short jokes have their forum
>in alt.tasteless.jokes, we want the feel of it, the smell of it, the stench of
>it, every little rotten and pus-oozing detail. And then of course some rough
>gifs of it in alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless or alt.tasteless.pictures.
>
>Some examples of popular alt.tasteless posts:
>
>The joys of raping epeleptics / the dead / pregnants / minors / small furry
>animals with big wet eyes.
>
>'The worst (scrotal/nasal/rectal) operation I've ever had'.
>
>The joys of vomiting / farting / pissing / shitting / picking your nose /
>masturbating / menses / giving birth to children / sweating / slobbering.
>
>Tasteless sex acts.
>
> But tastes differ even within the tasteless kingdom. Some like a story of
>a little boy sitting on the throne shouting 'Me go plop-plop! Me go plop-plop!'
>whereas others favour the weeping spastic on the toilet, desperately struggling
>not to miss the bowl screaming 'Me go plop-plop! Me go plop-plop!'. The first
>is a simple example of pleasure in taking a dump (which is per definition
>tasteless -not to say forbidden: things you shouldn't talk about coming out a
>hole you shouldn't talk about making a sound you should discuss in every
>detail..er, sorry making a sound you shouldn't talk about). The second example
>brings more sophistication and delicacy into the sordid affair, and is thus
>labelled as being more 'mature', the name of the label apparently chosen because
>innocent children (or innocent adults, for that matter) will not find it funny,
>except perhaps the 'plop-plop!' bit. This difference in taste was debated a
>while ago and ended thus:
>
>**
>A person asks:
>>I'm confused. Could someone explain the concept of intelligent,
>>mature tastelessness.
>
>tpehrson answers:
>original, non-monotonous material, either based on fact or vividly graphic
>or repulsive image provking, command of spelling and grammar to the level
>of comprehensible.
>
>examples of !(not)tastelessness: boring fiction, recycled fraternity jokes,
>excessive pointless profanity, vanilla sex, elementary playground 'eww gross'
>urban legends, license plates, funny names, john young, flaming w/o abhorrent
>metaphors and/or insults to mother's sexual integrity.
SSMG- DID YOU READ THAT???
____________________________
>
>of course i'm no authority on the matter, but at least i'm not a festering
>bag of puss; the result of copulation between my mother and a handful of
>earthworms.
>**
> Additionally, please note that this is not alt.tacky or alt.bad.taste. This
>means that merely saying 'Bee Gees, ha ha ha' is not enough, you will generally
>have to couple it with something really tasteless to make other people laugh.
>And yes, we have heard zillions of puke and huge bowel movement stories. But
>don't let that keep you from posting one, much rather this should raise your
>ambitions and thus the quality of your story.
>
> Then having sussed out that your post is too interesting, intelligent, sick,
>twisted and funny to be wasted in alt.tasteless.jokes, rec.humor, alt.evil,
>sci.med, alt.stupidity, alt.sex.bestiality, alt.urban.legend, soc.college and so
>on, you choose alt.tasteless and post. The group is unmoderated and the subject
>line of your article will be seen by approx. 42000 people worldwide. WOW!
>What will happen next?
>
>1. Some will ignore it.
>2. Some will read part of it, then skip to the next article.
>3. Some will read the whole thing.
>4. Maybe one or more person(s) will reply to you telling you what they thought
> of the article. They might even follow it up if they have something to add.
>
>This is sadly the ideal picture. People will follow-up even though they have
>nothing to add, although you have to suffer from a severe case of tasteless
>talent and luck to ever experience case 4. Some very good tasteless posts have
>generated absolutely no response, or in other words the same response as you'd
>get if you wrote it on a piece of paper only to flush it out the toilet. Then
>why post?
>Because you fucking feel like it!
>
> Every now and then a dickless weasel constipated on his own religion or set
>of values will bother the noble freethinkers in a.t. with his standard 'This is
>not funny' drivel. Best thing is to ignore him, next to mailing him with the
>likewise standard reply 'Then why do you read it?'. A follow-up is not a good
>solution here, unless you choose to flame him to ashes in such an inspired way
>that the readers of alt.tasteless also benefits (hint hint). You are then
>strongly encouraged to set the follow-up tag to 'Follow-up To: alt.flame'. This
>formal information may make alt.tasteless seem like a terribly boring place, but
>all the stuff that has been recommended (not commanded!) thus far has been
>recommended in order to make the newsgroup (believe it or not) more chaotic, and
>not a boring newsgroup with 3 month cycles.
>
> It's our hope that you'll now feel WELCOME IN ALT.TASTELESS!
>
>The rest of this document is dedicated to your education and amusement, but if
>you wish to perform chapter skipping/browsing, tell your editor search for the
>character '|', and it'll take you to the next chapter. In the nn newsreader
>this can be done by pressing '/', '|' and '[ENTER]'.
>The items on the menu are:
>O A boring dictionary.
>O An informative encyclopedia.
>O An amusing 'Answers to Frequently Asked Questions' part.
>O A terribly unjust and flawed 'Who's Who?' section.
>O A mailorder service.
>O Some not all that amusing but still worthwhile information.
>
>THE ALT.TASTELESS PHRASE BOOK/DICTIONARY.
>
> This attempt is in no way complete, and aimed at people generally new to
>the net. -And finally sorted with a bit more respect to the alfabet:
>
>AKA: Also known as
>AMPALLANG: Piercing of the glans of the penis (the head). Runs horizontally
> above the urethra and has origins in Borneo.
>APADRAVYA: Vertical piercing through the glans, or sometimes through the shaft
> of the penis just behind the glans. Mentioned in the original Kama
> Sutra.
>ARCHIE: A database. News.answers is, as usual, helpful with a monthly posting.
> Another way to find out more is to mail arc...@nic.funet.fi with the
> Subject: 'help'.
>ASAP: As soon as possible
>BEARS: Person, usually male, whose physical characteristics tend toward the
> husky and hirsute.
>BTW: By the way
>CASCADE: Netnews' public chain letter. Add a line and feel proud.
>DURIAN: Large oval tasty but foul-smelling fruit with a prickly rind. Comes from
> an East Indian tree, who shall remain nameless.
>DYDOE: Piercing through the ridge of the glans, usually done on the side of the
> head and often in pairs. This piercing was originally done by Jewish men
> who wished to enhance their sexual pleasure (which they thought had been
> diminished by circumcision).
>FECO-STALAGMITE: Euphemism denoting the majestic molehill of shit found nesting
> in the bowl of clogged toilets.
>FELCHING: Sucking cum out of an arsehole. Who/what the cum and arsehole belongs
> to is up to your imagination and health standards. If you have trouble
> reaching, use a straw. The Kakasutra will tell a bit more.
>FRENUM: Piercing through the skin of the penis, on the underside just behind the
> glans. Often a large ring that circles the penis under the ridge of the
> glans is worn through this piercing. This provides stimulation to both
> partners during intercourse and acts much like a cock ring.
>FTP: File Transfer Protocol. The program that makes it possible for you to get
> stuff stored at other sites, be it printerdrivers or Debbie Gibson gif's.
> News.answers has a monthly posting about FTP'ing. Or type "ftp", then "?".
>GIF: Graphic Interchange Format. A picture format common on the net.
> news.answers has an informational posting on the alt.binaries.pictures
> groups where all is explained.
>GUICHE: Piercing of the web of flesh that runs between the anus and the scrotum.
> A weight is often suspended from a guiche.
>HAFADA: Piercing on the side of the scrotal sac originally done by Arab boys
> as a rite of passage.
>HAGGIS: Scottish delicacy made by filling a sheeps paunch with grinded
> intestines, barley and a shot of scotch.
>IMHO: In my hog-fucking opinion.
>IRC: Inter Relay Conference, a program that lets you 'talk' to other users. Your
> site might have it, type 'irc' and see what happens. You will might stumble
> into tasteless discussions. The 1st global alt.tasteless IRC party lasted
> for around 6 hours with a total of 67 participants.
>JPEG or JPG: Another digital picture format. Like gif.
>KAKA SUTRA: Affectionate name for 'The Canonical List of Tasteless Sex Acts'.
>KILL FILE: A feature in most newsreaders. If you put a person in your kill file,
> your newsreader will ignore articles by that person. Read the man
> pages of your newsreader to find out how it works, or ask locally.
> After the introduction of kill files there's absolutely no excuse
> for wasting other peoples time with sour 4-line follow-ups.
>MOTSS: Member of the same sex.
>NAMBLA: North American Man Boy Love Association.
>PRINCE AlBERT: Piercing that consists of a ring which goes through the urethra
> and out behind the glans.
>QUEEF: Pussy fart, vart, fanny fart.
>QUEEN KRISTINA: Piercing of the clitoris hood.
>REAMING: Getting fucked vigorously up the colon.
>RIMMING: Sphinchter licking.
>RTFM: Read the fucking manual. In alt.tasteless this will almost always be the
> alt.tasteless Kama Sutra (See Mailorder).
>SIC: 'Yes, though hard to believe, this is, in fact, an exact quote'.
>SO: Significant other, will generally mean your loved one.
>SQUICKING: See this post or 'Tasteless sex acts'.
>TWINK(IE): Generally, a cute young (male) thing (CYT). Known as "golden,
> cream-filled, and ready to be eaten." (Etymology: In the US,
> Twinkies(tm) are snack cakes with these same properties.)
>VOMIT-STALACTITE: aka Stalactovomite, the result of puking on the cieling.
>WRT: With reference to
>
>
>| ENCYCLOPEDIA HORRIBLIUS
>
>ASSWIPING
>Most male alt.tastelessers wipe back to front. All look at the paper after the
>wipe and some taste it and kiss it.
>
>DOGS
>Are frequently rather tasteless. Apart from eating the fecal matter of almost
>any other mammal, they are also pretty keen on tampons, condoms and socks.
>It might be a profound wish for another tail that makes the dogs eat these
>objects that'll inevitable end up hanging out their puss oozing and mite ridden
>asses. They're also familar with shitting and vomiting in the living room. the
>life of a canine is one long party.
>
>EXPLOSIVES
>We will of course help you getting disfigured enough for us to be amused, so
>here's what you do if you're too afraid to ask the alt.pyrotechnics experts how
>to make acetone peroxide or some other funny stuff:
> Get US Army Technical Manual 31-210 1969 "Improvised Munitions Handbook":
>The Improvised Munitions Handbook generally gets okay reviews; it
>contains a whole bunch of recipes for making explosives etc. out of handy
>chemicals. You can get it from several sources, gun shows, or for $5 from
>Sierra Supply.
> Sierra Supply, PO Box 1390 Durango, CO 81302 (303)-259-1822.
>Sierra sells a bunch of army surplus stuff, including technical
>manuals such as the Improvised Munitions Handbook.
>Sierra has a $10 minimum order + $4 postage. Catalog $1.
> I believe Paladin press also distribute this series and they will mail
>overseas.
>
>Other good sources are The Poor Mans James Bond, and The Anarchists Cookbook.
>They can be found in most large bookshops.
>
>
>SMEGMA
>A cheesy, sebaceous secretion that forms between the foreskin and the glans of
>the penis of male mammals. Having smelt it few have the nerve to coat their
>tongue with it or swallow it. A shame really as this homegrown product easily
>outcompetes the flavours of all the cheeses made from milk (except the cheese
>made from dingo's milk).
>
>SQUICKING (see also 'Tasteless Sex Acts')
>The pratice one takes up when skull fucking becomes tedious.
>Skull fucking is the easiest of the two acts, as you only have to remove your
>partners eye to get somewhere to stick your thingy. A proper squicking requires
>you to trephine your partner (make a hole in your partners skull) and pork its
>brain this way. Aiming for the gap between the two hemispheres is said to
>provide you with firestorming orgasms. Geoff Miller comments: I posted that a
>year ago, and I *made it up!* I just figured that was the only activity that
>would make a "squicking" noise, with the possible exception of slipping the
>salami to a sucking chest wound. Mr. Miller himself prefers the basic squicking
>where the hole is located at the top of the head. Caza (a french comic artist)
>has this description accompaining a picture of prime squicking: 'The wound that
>never heals, the scar after the sacrificial act gaped rosy red and soft, shining
>and new...infinitely virginal ... Having bathed a whole world in blood,
>commander Aries defiled Lailahs brow with his spunk'. The name of the comic is
>'Lailah' and it also has a good story about a man getting raped by a frog/woman.
>If you like Corben, this might be a comic for you. Scott M Hampton has also
>mentioned 'Woulffes Guide To Practical Squicking' as a fine introduction to
>squicking. It goes like this:
>
>Tools: A hammer and chisel, a quarter round wood rasp, a hand drill with
>at least a 3/8" metal cutting bit (not a spade drill, damn it), and a ink pen.
>
>Supplies: A partner, and suitable restraints. You may want some rags.
>
>Preperation: Tie partner (victim, partner, the difference is a subtle thing
>best left to linguists with free time. There's fun to be had now.) securely.
>Make certain the forehead is available and clean. Make a horizontal line
>about 2" above the eyebrows. Mark the center of the line between your
>partners eyebrows. Assemble tools, placing drill bit securely in chuck. Plug
>drill in. Get a beer, prepare yourself mentally. This is going to be great!
>
>Proceedure: Drill hole thru skull at mark on forehead. Using chisel and
>hammer, open the hole up to about 1/4" larger than your ManTool (TM Geoff).
>Then, use the rasp to knock off the rough spots -- no sense getting any
>scratches or scrapes on the ol Piston of Love. At this point you can pause and
>remove the restraints on your partner 'cause they aren't moving much by now.
>Position your partner for maximum comfort and pleasure -- no, you idiot --
>YOUR pleasure. Harumph.
>
>Now, slide your engorged PleasureSnake slowly between your partners frontal
>hemispheres. The involuntary twitches this produces are one of the most
>pleasant sensations known to man. Real men, that is. If you were a neatness
>weinie and wiped up all the external blood, it may take a while for the
>internal bleeding to make the ride smooth, but otherwise there is plenty
>of lube for the job right at hand. Pump hearty, you are in for the orgasm
>of a lifetime!
>
>Clean up: Dispose of partner in an environmentally sound way, such as roast
>and stew meat. Happy eating!
>
>The variations are of course endless. The guru in this field is Geoff Miller
>(geo...@purplehaze.Corp.Sun.COM). But please do only contact him in expert
>matters concerning squicking, as he cannot spend time learning newbies vanilla
>squicking.
>
>Squick is also used as a synonyme for 'being pushed beyond ones limits'
>in alt.sex.bondage. Therefore you'll sometimes experience people using the word
>'Squick' in posts completely devoid of any skull-fucking related activity
>(i.e.: 'That article really squicked me' or 'He squicked my arsehole')
>
>
>THE STOOL GAME
>(From 'Tasteless Sex Acts')
>ca...@diku.dk:
> THE STOOL GAME
> official rules
>Two men sit in front of each other in a bathtub wanking. When the spunk/
>water amount is 50:50, you start playing. Both put their feet on the sides
>of the bathtub, and try to push their stool as far out as they can,
>without losing it. It's extremely funny pushing it far out, then pulling it
>in again, and many experience a wonderful orgasm during this play.
>The winner is the man that can push the stool the most far out, and then
>still be able to retract it.
>
>One suggested variation is to trade a stool back and forth, the loser being the
>one to "drop" the stool. This is a good way to cure any disease you can imagine.
>
>URINE
>Can just as shit be percieved by all 5 senses and the special 6th bodily fluid
>sense that the old time alt.tastelesser unavoidably develops, so I will not go
>into detail with the rancid bladdersplash itself. Rather the info will concern
>its sterility; can we safely drink it? Yes, we can.
>
> How ones body responds to this refreshment depends on a number of things,
>the most important being the concentration of waste products in this wine for
>gods. If you drink someones urine after they've had a sixpack, your kidneys
>will not be overworked with the extra waste products, but it may not then have
>the desired taste/smell/consistency. To help your kidneys you should always
>drink a lot of water after your pee games. You could for example follow the
>piss quaffing up with the drowning games (I for one, always tend to drink a lot
>of water during these).
>
> The berserkers (rough translation: The Bear Vests) were a happy tribe of
>vikings in Denmark around year 800 that had a habit of going berserk. My
>history book informs me that they used the alkaloid amanitin found in the
>mushroom Amanita. The trick was to boil the mushroom, let the strongest warrior
>drink the stuff, and have the other drink his piss. After this they went
>berserk. They were feared and admired, but never exported this strange habit to
>other tribes.
>
> The most famous peedrinker was good ol' Mahatma Gandhi. His mornings
>would start with him emptying his pottie in a good swig, allegedly for 'The
>health of the spirit'. Truly the sign of a great statesman. Prime Minister
>Morarji Desai followed in the piss trickle and drank piss each morning when he
>reigned (1977-1979). Lucky were the other leaders that had conversations with
>him on mornings where he had forgot to brush his teeth. No information as to the
>pee drinking habits of the current indian prime minister. Why drink pee then?
>
> The scientific explanation is that urine, and morning urine in particular,
>contains high amounts of melatonine, which is a hormone produced by the epiphyse
>during the night. Apart from having a soothing and painkilling effect
>melatonine also cheats the body into believing that it has slept more than it
>actually has. This manifests itself as a feeling of well-being and refreshment.
>The piss of sexually immature children contains more melatonine than adult piss,
>which explains the exhilaration one feels when lapping up infant piss. I have
>for one always been sure that the happiness wasn't just psychological. So Maybe
>you should spend more time as I: lurking in the bushes near the playground
>forcing the kids to piss in my smurf beer mug. You'll feel much better and much
>more equanimous. Cheers.
>
> Oh, and while we're at it. Don't eat asparagus before drinking your pee.
>Asparagus has an amino acid in it that makes your yellow drops smell horribly,
>as well as changing the taste. And don't drink piss from a person with a
>contagious disease unless you really want it. Speaking of that, Mitch Davis
>(9125...@lux.latrobe.edu.au) is the current piss adviser of alt.tasteless. Ask
>him anything wee wee related you like, he'll be happy to help you.
>
>VEGEMITE
> -can be bought in some health stores and isn't really the canned stool
>sample that rumour claim it is. Here are some first hand experiences with the
>edible caca: "I too have had vegemite. I found a stock in a "health food"
>store. US$ 2.69 for a 4 ounce (113 gram) jar. "5 calories per serving". It
>has an odd, purply-brown color, and a smooth, thick, sticky texture. The
>"axle-grease" association is accurate. It does indeed have quite a strong
>salty, yeasty flavor, and you had better spread it on _very_ thinly. I think it
>looks like a substance from my native land called "catfish dough bait", only
>said bait is a bit grainier, not as creamy. Catfish dough bait has a thick,
>liverish, bloody odor to it, and appeared to be a compound of mud, blood and
>pureed liver. On a hot day, opening the tub of dough bait and inhaling deeply
>could give you vertigo and motion sickness. I find it hard to believe that
>"marmite" has a stronger, more vicious taste than vegemite. "Vegemite" has a
>pretty vicious aftertaste, and because of the yeast extract, it tends to come
>back to you later, in belches. It's also one of those foods with such a
>peculiar taste that no matter what you eat after- wards, vegemite is the taste
>that sticks with you."
>
>"It is very strong, try a little, then impress your friends with what looks
>like eating slabs of bread wiped in black excrement."
>
> "Well, as a New Zealander, I can truthfully say that Marmite is the
>only real yeast extract worth eating. Vegemite is for wimps, while
>Marmite is for real men. It has a much stronger, more vicious
>aftertaste than Vegemite."
>
> "It was the grossest thing I ever tasted. It's
>about as thick as peanut butter, and to say it tastes like shit would
>be an understatement."
>
>INGREDIENTS:
>Yeast extract (comes from the grunge that is left over after the beer brewing
>process), sea salt, potassium chloride, malt extract, caramel color,
>natural flavor, niacin, thiamine hydorchloride, riboflavin.
>
>Serving size: 3.25 gram
>Servings per container: 35 (big lie: I ate about a third of the container,
>and it was well over 100 servings)
>Cheese and vegemite sandwiches are so common in Australia that the manufacturer
>(Kraft) now sells premixed cheese&vegemite slices (they are a greyish colour,
>and very nice between buttered white bread, possibly with some lettuce)
>
>ObTrivia: Vegemite was invented after Marmite, and for a short time
>was called Parwill (get the pun? Mar mite, Par will. Ho ho!).
>"Vegemite" was the result of a renaming contest in the 30s(?).
>Let it also be known that Vegemite is available in 99% of Australian
>shops that stock spreads. IE, if the shop has jam, honey or peanut
>butter, then it almost certainly has vegemite as well.
>
>YEAST
>Is not that interesting in itself. But vaginal yeast infections are a riot.
>The infection occurs when the usual healthy balance between the yeast and the
>bacteria in the vagina disappears. Taking antibiotics can alter this balance.
>The treatment is to gulp down Lactobacillus acidophillus (yogurt culture) and
>shove it up your cunt. The idea of 'tank war' (a fine stripper act) might have
>started when a group of yeast infected women could think of nothing better than
>to walk like crabs, and using their vaginal muscles, shoot the yogurt at each
>other.
>
>
>|ANSWERS TO FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS/USEFUL INFORMATION:
>
> 1. My .uk site doesn't carry alt.tasteless, what can I do about it?
>
>There are several reasons why you might be unable to read
>alt.tasteless at a .uk site. The site may impose local censorship
>(likely at academic (!) sites) or you may be receiving your news via UUCP
>or other store and forward network which has been censored at an
>upstream site.
> To get alt.tasteless at an Internet or JANET site, try grovelling at
>the feet of your news admin. When that fails, your best bet is to
>find someone whose feed is uncensored and arrange a mail feed. This
>may be in violation of local regulations so beware. I disclaim all
>responsibility if this gets you into trouble.
> The majority of the rest of users will be receiving news via UUCP.
>Most likely, the reason a.t is not getting through is due to
>censorship at the UK's main backbone site, uknet (formerly ukc) at
>the University of Kent, Canterbury. Recently, however, another route
>into the country has been provided by Pipex. It has the advantages of
>being uncensored and cheaper. The lower rates will probably appeal to
>the local powers that be and so you might have more luck arranging
>for a feed via Pipex. If they are unmoved, try going for a mail feed,
>bearing in mind the above caveats.
> Posting to a.t can sometimes be achieved by mailing the message to
>alt-ta...@ucbvax.berkeley.edu. This is unreliable, however;
>postings made to alt groups sometimes disappear without trace.
>Another way to post is to use anon.penet.fi. To do this, send mail with the
>header 'help' to he...@anon.penet.fi
>
>You can also do it the hard way by doing a
>
>telnet sol.ctr.columbia edu 119
>
>
> 2. Is there an alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless archive site?
>
> No! You can't get nasty gifs via ftp. No site will store them. But sick
>individuals will, so your best chance is to get friendly with such a person (and
>alt.tasteless is just the right place) and have him send you pictures of
>fecallatio, genital surgery, coy children, whatever. Another possibility is to
>join the nasty picture mailing list, where nasty jpegs abound. It's not an
>official mailing list, and George will go vokka vokka if it gets mentioned in
>the FAQ. But hints to as where it can be found will be dropped frequently in a.t.
>
> 10. How come I can't get alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless?
>
> Ask the news admin at your site. And try not to look guilty when you do
>it. He'll most probably tell you that it takes up too much diskspace.
>
>
> 5302. What is this shit eating picture, that everybody keeps referring to?
>
> Probably hb2a.gif or hb6.gif, the most common names for two pictures of a
>woman pinching a loaf into the mouth of a man. It's sort of an alt.tasteless
>idol, and it appears under many names. Personally I've glued the two together
>and called it crap.gif. But they're quite good, actually.
>
>
> 27. Aren't you all a bunch of 15 year old wankers?
>
> A 1992 survey fixed the average a.t subscribers age at 27 years.
>The critique of the group can easily be divided into two categories, and for
>your benefit I have included both the critique and the resulting discussions:
>
> The offended
> 1.
>A: I'm offended by a.t in general / some specific article.
>Brief: Yes...? / And...? / So what? / Buzz off, cunt!
>Nice: It's your god-given right to be offended. Be as offend as you wish. And if
>you have something to say within the charter of this newsgroup, don't hesitate
>to post.
>Practical: In nn, press 'n' to exit an article and 'U' to unsubscribe. Goodbye.
>Eager: The why did you read all the way through 'Genital Warts'? Maybe you like
>it and just won't admit it? Maybe bla. bla. bla.
> 2.
>A: Don't post such stuff!
>Brief: Why?
>Nice: Hey, the net is brimming with nice, warm fluffy newsgroups. Don't waste
>your time in this one.
>Practical: Don't read such stuff!
>Eager: Well, we like to...unlike you, a [lots of abuse, the fuel of beaten-to-
>death-discussions]
> 3.
>A: Why? Because I'm offended [Start all over again]
> Why? Because: [Pulls his personal value-moral package out of his hat]
>Brief: Ha ha ha, what a small and pathetic thing.
>Nice: Well, the package might work for you, but do not assume that you can
>convince the a.t subscribers that it's the right one for them.
>
> Behave!
> 1.
>A: This group is only of value to infantile youngsters.
>Brief: Yes. / No, I'm not an infantile youngster, and I like it.
>Nice: Hardly boys, we're 27...
>Practical: IF infantile youngster THEN subscribe. Welcome.
> IF NOT infantile youngster THEN unsubscribe. Goodbye.
>Eager: Is that why you read it? Your type bla. bla. bla., so maybe you bla and
>bla and blah.
>
>I have never seen any of the discussions run further than this. The Offended
>will most probably end in abuse, and Behave! will never get anywhere. The two
>critique-makers will never get to promoting their own value-moral package.
>So, what is your aim in these discussions?
>If you are the person beating on a.t and its readers your aim is to get as many
>Eager follow-ups as possible. Then you'll have a lot to follow-up to yourself,
>and you will know that a number of people used some of their time responding to
>something you have written.
>If you are an a.t defender you have an easy oppurtunity to show the group what a
>brave and cool dude you are. If you do so, please think of your audience.
>If you are a reader, you know that nothing new will show up in the discussion,
>your only hope being that the abuse will start early on and be very well-written
>and graphic. The thumb rule in these discussions is: Don't think that you add
>anything new, just make sure not to waste anybodys time completely.
>
>
> 9. What is the gerbil-and-meat grinder story?
>
> None of your buisness. You can get the Roadkill calendar by sending 7$ to
>
> Jeanie M
> Box 26372
> San Francisco, CA
> 94126
>
>
> 11. Is there an alt.tasteless purity test?
>
> Paul Spinrad (pspi...@ads.com) once wrote a 'Bodily Functions Survey'
>with questions covering nasal hygiene, vomiting, urination, defecation and
>flatus expulsion. Send email with the header 'Shrimp-nob! Shrimp-nob! We don't
>wanna play with Shriiimp-nob!' to ca...@diku.dk.
>
>
> 12. Is there an a.t masonic style greeting?
>
> Yup. Pretend wipe your ass, then give the fellow your hand. The call for
>distress is "Will nobody help the widows son fuck his dead father!?". This will
>usually give you all the help you want.
> The tough guys greet each other by both blowing their noses onto their
>hands, then shake with them, with the collective snots being squished out around
>the edges. After separation, the licking of the hand is optional. Only known to
>be in use in Australia.
>
>
> 31. I have now read the a.t Kaka Sutra...Is there any way I can recognize
> fellow mainliners or teabaggers?
>
> Well, one is tempted to say that you will know the mainliners by their
>brownish lipstick, but I take it that you thinking of a 'hanky code' of some
>sort. To recap the North American Hanky Code: It requires two back pockets and a
>coloured hanky. Putting the handkerchief in the left pocket indicates that you
>want to be the active part, the right pocket that you want to be the recieving
>part. The colour of the hanky then indicates the preferred activity: Red is anal
>fisting, grey is bondage, black is heavy SM (whipping, burning etc.).
>The hanky code is known among North American homosexuals and SM affectionados,
>and I have regrettably no list of all the colours. There isn't really a similar
>a.t code, but just recently I have started to have a teabag dangling out my left
>backpocket, and maybe this will catch on. Perhaps the next edition of the Kaka
>Sutra will include 'the secret signs'.
>
> 69. I want to become an alt.tastelesser? How?
>
>Posess, use and flaunt: A sick sense of humour.
>
>optional:
>
>Get: This document, the Kaka Sutra, the shit eating gif and the a.t theme song.
>
>
>|WHO'S WHO?
>
>You tell me. All I know is that
>
>Bob von Buelow (bo...@spike.Jpl.Nasa.Gov) writes with a style that often has a
>low filth-to-signal ratio, in itself tasteless in this newsgroup, about the
>vicissitudes of life. 1992 was his rookie year in a.t. He wrote this,
>of course.
>
>Murray Chapman (somewhere@au) is a good funky chap, man. And he seldom applies
>the whiny laughter you just did, when he reads an extremely awful pun. He's more
>of a caca-man, with a voice that matches.
>
>Tim Clinkenpeel (tpeh...@javelin.sim.es.com) is seldom seen these days, but
>is along with his co-worker Pete Ashdown (pash...@javelin.sim.es.com)
>responsible for some of the more interesting a.t articles.
>
>Jeffrey Dahmer (Columbia Correctional Institute, Portage, Wisconsin 53901, USA)
>is currently without email access. Wrote some of the better recipes in 1991.
>
>Mitch Davis (cs...@lux.latrobe.edu.au) aka GrossMaster is happy to swill
>a cup of urine while-U-wait. He claims he will do ANYTHING that is tasteless
>and not too damaging to the health. Has intimate farm-life experience, and is
>willing to be photographed and scanned.
>
>Bruce Ediger (edi...@rmnug.org) is a purveyor of the occasional very pleasing
>article, and the trusted keeper of 'The Canonical List of Tasteless Sex Acts'.
>The Vatsyayana of alt.tasteless, and a very good kisser. Not in any way related
>to Andy Watson (an...@teal.csn.org), the seldom poster of odd articles.
>
>Wes Ellison (well...@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu) seldom speaks in tongues and posts
>even less frequently.
>
>Oded Feingold (email adress withheld on request) is a vehement animal lover
>that sometimes pops in with useful information in a.t or alt.sex.best.
>
>Crunchy Frog (amo...@Xenon.Stanford.EDU), the writer of the a.t theme song and
>various other stuff. Not to be confused with The Mad Stork, unless you really
>want to.
>
>Jenny Gutbezahl (jen...@titan.ucc.umass.edu). The woman with a name one
>immediately associates with a german whore is the provider of a refreshing look
>on things in a maledominated newsgroup. Every a.t wanker's dream of a spouse.
>
>Joni Johnson (jojo...@nmsu.edu) tells us that It IS as bad as it seems and
>they ARE out to get you. Seeing her posts, one is inclined to agree. Mrs.
>alt.tasteless 91. Female.
>
>Vinnie Jordan/One Sick individual (vin...@sco.COM) is a "Sick, twisted fuck"
>and frequently proves this with his posts. He is definately more a fascist than
>a communist, because he reads The National Enquirer and hates children.
>
>Rauli Lauhanen (rl10...@cs.tut.fi) submitted some very funny material to
>alt.tasteless during 1991. Appears here because he got a fine for 'indecency'.
>
>Laura Lemay (le...@netcom.com) is not that interesting. She has a nose piercing
>and posts to alt.tasteless every now and then. Female. Sometimes.
>
>Sean Mcafee (smmc...@mtu.edu) is also an a.t bourgeois gentilhomme. That's
>french for a pig. Delightful reading. Especially the Big Shit stories are
>(bowel) moving. Many a novice a.t'er has wished to tickle his bottom with a
>dildo in their throat. Or so I've heard.
>
>Geoff Miller (geo...@purplehaze.sun.eng.com). It's a bad day in alt.tasteless
>when Geoff doesn't come by after work with a tasteless piece of humour. He is
>also fond of being treated like shit in the Who's Who section of the
>alt.tasteless FAQ because he's a prat. And Mr. Alt.Tasteless (fact) 1991.
>
>Jeroen Moelands (jmmo...@cs.vu.nl). The dutch analsadist usually has a monthly
>story to us. It was all fun until he had a nervous breakdown. Now the shrink is
>paid 50$ an hour enjoying what we would have been ready to pay for.
>
>Mark A. Pitcher (ma...@noncomf.tdkcs.waterloo.on.ca) started the animal-
>mutilating business at a very young age, and has with the coming of age refined
>it to the extreme. He can do wonders in the way of sexual gratification and pain
>with an ordinary housecat. Runs the tasteless Darkpark BBS. Ask him about it.
>
>Eric A. Schwartz (sch...@marcus.its.rpi.edu) is a professional when it comes to
>the more technical sides of tastelessness and bestiality, and his opinions are
>always appreciated. And his cynicism.
>
>Steven Snedker (ca...@diku.dk) is greeted every morning by a small greasy stool
>telling him that in the course of the day he's going to swallow it and 20 of its
>friends. It's seldom wrong. He posts fortnightingly to a.t. Mr. a.t. (f) 91.
>
>Curtis Yarvin (c...@cs.brown.edu), John Dawson (jda...@cs.utexas.edu) and
>Matthew Somers (ch...@cc.purdue.edu). The Big Shit Triplets of a.t. May your
>bowel movements always be like Beethoven's 9th.
>
>
>|THE MAILORDER LIST
>
> As it is now The Church of Divine Tastelessness can offer the following
>standard tastelesss files:
>
>RECYCLED JOKES FILE: alt.tasteless.jokes is now taking care of all the short
>jokes. And rec.humor has the "Canonical List of [rude, mommy mommy, dead baby
>etc. etc.] jokes". Ask them. You can instead get 40 KB OF MARK SMITH, some of
>the finest non-tasteless flames this net has seen.
>FREQUENTLY REQUESTED STORIES: The gerbil-and-meat grinder story, Scrotum Self
>Repair.
>THE ALT.TASTELESS THEME SONG: A joint effort by some of the a.t writers
>(all three available by mail from ca...@diku.dk)
>KAKA SUTRA -Tasteless Sex Acts
>(available by mail from bed...@metamatic.denver.co.us...if you're lucky.)
>
>If you haven't recieved the stuff you ordered within 7 days, it's because email
>has bounced and nobody gives a shit.
>
>|OTHER DOCUMENTS WORTH A LOOK:
>(all to be found in news.answers as monthly postings...perhaps)
>
>Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,news.answers
>Subject: Welcome to talk.bizarre! (Monthly Posting)
>Summary:
> o Before posting, read the group for a couple of months. Get to
> know who is posting and what kind of things are considered funny.
>
> o Ask yourself why you want to post. Is it to impress us all with
> what a red-hot, hip individual you are? If so, you may want to
> consider moving to another group.
>
>| o Remember that about 90% of the stuff on this group is
> crap, and if your article is not in the top 10% then it is
> probably crap as well. If you are still convinced that the
> majority of readers on the group will enjoy your dry and subtle
> wit, then post.
>
>Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
>Subject: Answers to Frequently Asked Questions
>Summary: Huuuge file with Index
>Summary: Shit ==
>Contentless "me too" postings (should have used email) [tell "me, too."
>or "I agree."].
>Posts with many lines of attribution and a single word or line added
>agreeing or disagreeing. [like cascades]
>
>|Cyclic discussions some times occur.
>How is the "new user" supposed to come "Up to speed?"
>Uninformed readers believe that new information is added in these
>repeat discussion. That is NOT the case, since by definition, that
>kind of discussion would not be cyclic.
>
>Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
>Subject: A Primer on How to Work With the Usenet Community
>Summary: of Things to Remember
> Never forget that the person on the other side is human
> Don't blame system admins for their users' behavior
> Be careful what you say about others
> Be brief
> Your postings reflect upon you; be proud of them
> Use descriptive titles
> Think about your audience
> Only post a message once
> Summarize what you are following up
>| Use mail, don't post a follow-up
> Read all follow-ups and don't repeat what has already been said
> Double-check follow-up newsgroups and distributions.
> Be careful about copyrights and licenses
> Cite appropriate references
> When summarizing, summarize
> Spelling flames considered harmful
> Don't overdo signatures
> Limit line length and avoid control characters
>
>Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
>Subject: Hints on writing style for Usenet
>Summary:
> * Subject lines should be used very carefully. How much time have you
> wasted reading articles with a misleading subject line? The "Subject:"
> header line can be edited in all the various posting programs
> (as can the "Distribution:", "Newsgroups:" and "Followup-To:" header
> lines).
>
> * Remember - this is an international network.
>
> * Remember - your current or future employers may be reading your
> articles. So might your spouse, neighbors, children, and others
> who will long-remember your gaffes.
>
>Newsgroups: soc.motss,news.answers
>Subject: soc.motss FAQ
>Summary: 106. What will happen to me if I post in soc.motss?
> The answer is, in general, nothing. (Lots of people of all orienta-
>tions read and write to soc.motss, so strictly speaking you're not
>coming out by posting. Even so, some people will draw conclusions about
>your sexual orientation from the fact that you post here.
> However-- Assume that any posting in net news is in the public
>domain and could end **anywhere**: the general media, a police file, a
>Fundie's hate list, an entrepeneur's sales contact list, etc. If you
>can't stand by your posting, then don't post.
>
> Well then, end of FAQ, but as this is alt.tasteless and you have bothered to
>read all the way, you are hereby rewarded with a good alt.tasteless post:
>
>>How utterly amusing. By the way, it's "felch," chowderhead.
>>I know some pindick took it upon himself to mutilate my definition-by-
>>example, making sure he misspelled the term everytime, then repost it
>>to this newsgroup. That this person has to live with the daily
>>torture of being a complete ignoramus in no way excuses you.
>
>
>I humbly abase myself before your bloated and vienna-sausage-jelly covered
>yet arousingly masterful self. It's true: I am a pindick, and I have to live
>with the daily torture of being a complete ignoramus. Yet I sort of enjoy
>it. I'm such a degraded and debased pseudo-excuse for a human-like product,
>that I get a rush out of being electronically besmirched. The thrill of the
>Real Thing just isn't enough. I just can't get the little "needle" stiff
>anymore with any of the usual acts. My miniscule nubbin can't become as
>erect-like as Mr Banta when I am being forced to eat steaming puddles of my own
>vomitus by carbuncle-ridden whores whose empty and dried dugs slap limply
>against their hollow, warty chests.
>
>This is nothing compared to the almost incomprehensible shame of incontinence
>caused by having spelling corrected in such a masterful manner. I, as a
>filthy, suppurating sore of a human being, reccommend it. Get Andy Banta
>to correct your spelling. It's better than being shat on by a "Sergeant
>Schultz" imitator. It's even better than being forced to eat the small, whitish
>tadpoles that thrive in containers of Mr Banta's rancid urine. It's much
>better than a Japanese body massage given by a spectacularly overweight
>prostitute with bedsores and tapir smegma as lubricant. I can't say enough
>good things about it, particularly since I do have a very tiny masculine
>organ of primogeniture, a 3 inch fistula through which I am forced to defecate
>upon myself, no hair except on my shoulders and buttocks (which is of course
>matted with other's dung), and bleeding string warts over virtually all of the
>skin not covered by workaday clothing.
>
>It's so hard to find someone even less appealling to the opposite sex as
>myself. Mr Banta has provided me with plentiful fantasy fodder by doing
>a carefully concealed spelling flame. Now I can have that secret, spongey
>frisson of excitement that can only raise it's pitiful and squishy knob-like
>head when I get spurned by someone more repulsive and less a part of even
>the most perverted dregs of society than I am.
>
>I weep tears of pus, and fart into my skidmarked "Y-fronts" in joy and
>pitiful, bleating gratitude. Thank you, my idol, Mr Banta.
>
>Yours truly,
>Pindick.
>
> T H E C H U R C H O F D I V I N E T A S T E L E S S N E S S
> 1 9 9 3


--
******************************************************************************
* James Limmer - University of Utah, Salt Lake City, Utah ****
* james....@m.cc.utah.edu -OR- lim...@cadehp0.eng.utah.edu ***
******************************************************************************

johnson scott andrew

unread,
Apr 20, 1993, 6:57:51 PM4/20/93
to
You quoted the ENTIRE FRIGGING FAQ, just for a 1 line comment to SSMG???????

My friend, you've wasted more bandwidth in a single posting than SSMG does in
an entire MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Consider yourself flamed.


ObJoke: A little boy asks his mom if he can go watch the construction workers
who are building a house next door.

Mom says, "I suppose, you might learn something. Just be careful."

A few hours later, the little boy comes back.

Mom asks, "What did you learn?????"


"Well, first you measure the height of the god damn fucking hinges,
and then you measure the fucking bolt socket. Then you put the
god damn hinges on the door, and attach them to the fucking frame.
Then you put the fucking doorknob in the damn hole, and that's how
you hang a fucking door."

Mother was, needless to say, appalled. "I want you to repeat that
for your father when he gets home."

Dad comes home, and the little boy repeats the story verbatim.

Father says, "Son, I want you to go outside and get me a switch."

"HELL NO! That's the fucking electricians job!!!!!!!!"


/sj/


James Xidos

unread,
Apr 21, 1993, 12:26:05 PM4/21/93
to
In article <1993Apr19....@fcom.cc.utah.edu> jl5...@u.cc.utah.edu (James Limmer) writes:
>
>You all should probable read this again...
>
>In article <1993Mar23.1...@odin.diku.dk> ca...@diku.dk (Saint Ool) writes:
>>Archive-name: tasteless-faq
>>[110 lines of intro (takes 2 min. to read -without laughing), 710 lines of info]
>>
>> WELCOME TO ALT.TASTELESS
>>
--- ~850 lines deleted ---

>--
>******************************************************************************
>* James Limmer - University of Utah, Salt Lake City, Utah ****
>* james....@m.cc.utah.edu -OR- lim...@cadehp0.eng.utah.edu ***
>******************************************************************************

You fucking senceless asshole! You should be the one flamed for net-ethics!
I've never seen a more assenine (sp!) display of hypocritical stupidity in my
life. You quoted the full fucking FAQ to add one line in reference to SSMG,
who at least includes a joke ( as stupid or good it may be ). Two fucked up
net ethics rules for you, MAYBE one for SSMG ( matter of opinion ). Nobody
here can tell me the everyone posts excellent, original tasteless jokes;
at least SSMG's are original!

OB JOKE ( make this a habit !!!!!)

Decrypted joke from rec.humour.funny ( I haven't seen this joke posted
here yet, and assume not everybody sits down and works these things out )

Q: How many Somalians fit in a bathtub?

A: Lost count; they all kept falling down the drain.

James Xidos
4th year Chemistry

Verfen

unread,
Apr 26, 1993, 12:51:15 PM4/26/93
to
In article <1993Apr21.1...@cs.mun.ca>, jam...@riemann.math.mun.ca (James Xidos) writes:
>In article <1993Apr19....@fcom.cc.utah.edu> jl5...@u.cc.utah.edu (James Limmer) writes:
>>
>>You all should probable read this again...
>>
>>In article <1993Mar23.1...@odin.diku.dk> ca...@diku.dk (Saint Ool) writes:
>>>Archive-name: tasteless-faq
>>>[110 lines of intro (takes 2 min. to read -without laughing), 710 lines of info]
>>>
>>> WELCOME TO ALT.TASTELESS
>>>
>--- ~850 lines deleted ---
>>--
>>******************************************************************************
>>* James Limmer - University of Utah, Salt Lake City, Utah ****
>>* james....@m.cc.utah.edu -OR- lim...@cadehp0.eng.utah.edu ***
>>******************************************************************************
>
> You fucking senceless asshole! You should be the one flamed for net-ethics!
>I've never seen a more assenine (sp!) display of hypocritical stupidity in my
>life. You quoted the full fucking FAQ to add one line in reference to SSMG,
>who at least includes a joke ( as stupid or good it may be ). Two fucked up
>net ethics rules for you, MAYBE one for SSMG ( matter of opinion ). Nobody
>here can tell me the everyone posts excellent, original tasteless jokes;
>at least SSMG's are original!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Not exactly, Jimmy, my boy. I've seen almost all of his moronic jokes in
a jokebook or two when I was just a lad. Believe me, he's about as original as
Michael Bolton. I agree that the guy who posted the FAQ is a retard, but
that's besides the point.


>OB JOKE ( make this a habit !!!!!)
>
> Decrypted joke from rec.humour.funny ( I haven't seen this joke posted
>here yet, and assume not everybody sits down and works these things out )
>
>Q: How many Somalians fit in a bathtub?
>
>A: Lost count; they all kept falling down the drain.
>
>James Xidos
>4th year Chemistry
>


OBJoke:

A guy is having trouble getting an erection with his wife. He goes to
see the doctor, and explains the problem. THe doctor listens patiently (bad
pun) and tells him, next time they are in bed, to reach down and stick his
finger in her twat, and wipe her juices under his nose, to try to get his
hormones flowing.
The niext night, the guy comes home from work, and goes upstairs, to
find his wife already in bed. He undresses, slips into bed, and reaches
over...he slowly inserts his middle finger into her. She squirms as he moves
it in and out, trying to get her lubricated. When he thinks he has enough of
the sweet liquid on his fingers, he wipes it under his nose. He gets an almost
instant hard-on. Excited, he wakes up his wife and says "Hey Doris, look what
I got, look what I got!!"

Her reply... "A bloody nose."


Verfen
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Ray...if somebody asks you if you're a god, you say YES!!"|The end of the
-Ghostbusters |world will be
|on <fnord> in the
"Kill, kill, kill, die, die, die, Hungry Hippos in the |year <fnord>
government, kill, kill, kill, die, die, die." | :)
-damage(d) |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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