A Ton Of Princess Diana Jokes
G - P
What does DODI stand for?
Died Opposite DI.
Or...
... Died Of Driver Intoxication
... Died On Dashboard Impact
Did you know that Princess Diana had AIDS?
Automobile Impacted Diana Spencer
Or...
... Another Idiot Driver Smashed
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Porche?
Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Porche!
Or...
... a BMW
... a Lada
... etc.
What did St Peter say to Di at the Pearly Gates? Wipe that greasy "merc" off
your face.
What did Di wear for her funeral? A dark blue bonnet.
What did Prince Charles say when he heard about the automobile accident?
Well,
that's the way the Mercedes BENZ.
What does a bee have in common with a Mercedes? They both make Royal Jelly.
What's the difference between a Mercedes 600 and a can of spam? They give
you a
key to get the meat out a can of spam.
Why is a Mercedes like a squid? They've both got Di in them when they're
opened.
What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana? A Mercedes will
easily reach 40.
Did you hear that Princess Diana was suffering from PMS? Pulverised Mercedes
Syndrome.
Why didnt the airbag on the Merc function properly? It was strapped into a
safety belt in the back seat.
You've read Fergie's books about "Budgie the Helicopter"?
Now read Diana's book, "Scrunchie the dark blue Mercedes"
Hear about the new Mercedes? It comes with two airbags and three bodybags.
I've heard they are changing the name of Mercedes to Mercedes straights,
because they don't benz very well.
Why was Diana in a Merc? Because she flatly refused to get in any other car.
New 1998 model now available:"Mercedes-Benz-Twistz-Manglz-Crunchz"
What does world hunger and a mercedes have in common? Diana can't stop
either.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Mercedes? BMW doesn't get any
royalties.
This guy goes into a second hand car dealers looking for a new car, he sees
a
salesman and asks him for some advice. 'Certainly Sir' the salesman answers.
'Have a look at this 1988 mini, only 70,000 miles on the clock, a bargain at
500 pounds'. The guy looks at the car and replies, 'Yes, but I would like
something a bit better.' The salesman answers 'Ok, have a look at this 1990
Ford Escort, 50,000 miles on the clock and only 1000 pounds'. The guy still
isn't satisfied and says 'That's ok, but haven't you anything more classy'.
The
salesman leads the guy to the far corner of the dealership where there is an
old 1981 Austin Princess. 'Have a look at this beauty, 100,000 miles and a
gift
at only 4000 pounds'. '4000 pounds?' replies the guy 'but the other two cars
were lots better'. 'Ahh, didn't you know' says the salesman 'you can find
parts
of a Princess in a Mercedes!'
Did you hear that the French Doctors could have saved Diana but they didn't
have the parts for a 1961 Princess.
Why is my Uncle Ted like Dodi's chauffeur? Because he also used to drive a
Princess before he smashed it up.
What's the Queens favourite car? A smashed up Princess
What did Princess Diana do when she heard the driver had been drinking? She
hit
the roof.
What's the difference between Diana and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a
better
driver.
Why don't you want to buy golf clubs at Harrods? Their drivers suck.
Too bad O.J. wasn't driving!
What's the difference between George Best and Dodi's chauffeur? George Best
can
still take corners when he's pissed.
Did you hear that Di has a new chauffeur? Ayrton Senna.
What's the one word that could have saved Princess Diana's life? Taxi.
Why wouldn't you want to buy any computer hardware at Harrods? Their drivers
are crash-prone!
If Teddy Kennedy was driving, they would have taken the bridge.
They found a new Job for Harold Junke (German Ex Entertainer, is always
stoned)
as a security officer and Driver at the Paris Ritz
I hear the Ritz is looking for a new driver. They want one with tunnel
vision.
What`s the difference between "Thomas the Tank Engine" and Princess Di?
Thomas
made it through the tunnel!
What's the difference between the NFL and Princess Diana? The NFL players
came
out of the tunnel Sunday.
How can we be sure Princess Di's driver was not from Pittsburgh? He'd have
slowed down before entering the tunnel.
Diana's new title:Princess of Walls
What was the last thing Diana & Dodi had to drink? 4 Harvey Wallbangers, 2
Slammers, followed by 7 chasers and a Pina Colida
What's the difference between Lady Di and the Eastern Germans? The Eastern
Germans survived the wall.
What do Lady Di and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last greatest hit was
the
WALL.
What does Princess Di turn into at midnight? The wall
Did you see the wall Di drove into? Neither did she.
What's Di's favourite ice-cream? Walls
Diana's last words: "I said 'Beat them all', NOT 'Eat the wall!'"
The Driver turned to Dodi just as they were entering the tunnel "God I'm so
tired! I cannot wait until my head hits the pillar tonight"
Did you hear they're blaming a specific tabloid for Princess Diana's death?
The
Paris Post.
What does Di rest her head on? A pillar.
When is a princess not a princess? When she turns into a pole.
What's the one thing that attracts Diana more than a wealthy Egyptian? A
solidly-built Pole.
What did Princess Diana die of? Car-pole-tunnel syndrome.
Diana was found to be the favourite royal in a recent pole
What have Di & Ian Wright (English Footballer) got in common? Both hit the
post
4 times at the weekend.
Warning for video games addicts:Lady Di and her friends proved that playing
too
much 'columns' can be fatal
What did Diana say to Dodi when he asked to marry her? She wanted something
more concrete in her life.
Why did Dodi invest in construction? He wanted to make a big impact on the
concrete industry.
How did Di and Charles disagree about Modern Architecture? Di was wrapt
about
pre-stressed cement.
What did the Queen say when she heard Princess Diana died in a car smash?
Was
Fergie with her?
What did Prince Charles say when he heard the news?
"Shall I garage your motorbike, Mum?"
or
... "Smashing!"
What's the difference between Dodi and Di and Charles and Camilla? Dodi and
Di
are just a crush
Why was Lady Di's death a tragedy? Because the rest of the Royal Family
wasn't
in the back of the car with her.
Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog. When a passer-by
said "Morning", Charles said "No, just walking the dog."
What's Di getting for Christmas? The Queen Mother.
How can you tell which one was Charles at the funeral? He was the one
talking
to the flowers.
What's the Queen giving Fergie for Christmas? A trip to Paris, dinner at the
Ritz, and a chauffeur-driven Mercedes
When Prince Charles was told of Diana's death he was all ears.
What has 500 legs and 62 teeth? The front row at Princess Diana's funeral.
Why did Diana and Charles get divorced? They had a fight over who wore the
skirt in the family.
Why does Prince Charles use Energiser Batteries? Because they, "Never say
Di".
Apparently, at Diana's funeral the Queen Mother caught the bouquet.
What's the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz? You get
mints
after dinner at the London Ritz and minced after dinner at the Paris Ritz.
Hear about the big sale at Harrods? So big, it's to "Di" for...
What sound did the ambulance make? Dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi...
Did Dodi do Di before Di and Dodi died?
What does Dodi and Dodo have in common? They are both extinct.
Dodi's Tomb was to be fitted with central heating until they realised that
he
already had a radiator on his chest.
Di was on drugs...Speed, then smack.
What did Princess Di say to Dodi after he gave her the Ring? Aren't we
moving a
bit to fast!
Honda are going to call there latest moped 'the Diana'...you drive like a
maniac and still never reach forty
Did you hear that Di has something in common with George Burns? They both
died
when they hit a hundred.
Did Diana get a telegram from the Queen when she hit 100?
Why was the bodyguard so red-faced after the accident? He had Di all over
him.
Why couldn't the paparazzi develop the crash photos? Cos there was bloody Di
all over them.
Did you know that when they pulled Dodi out of the car his penis was a funny
colour. They say it had been dipped in Di.
Mercedes have recalled DODI's car for paint problems. The inside was
splattered
with Di
Where were Dodi and Di heading the night of the accident? To paint the town
red.
How do you paint a tunnel? With Di.
What's harder than getting ink out of the carpet? Getting Di out of the
upholstery
How d'ya paint a merc red? Di it.
Was that blue blood on the pavement? No, it was only Di.
What's Diana's newest title? The Lady in Red.
Of course, I could add that the police at the scene didn't need to add chalk
outlines...There was Di all over the road.
Diana: dead as a Dodi.
Just before the accident the chauffer shouted, "We're going to die, we're
going
to die." To which Dodi replied, "No, we're going to my place."
Did you hear that the paparazzi were in deep shit in Paris? Just before the
ill-fated Mercedes left the Ritz on that fateful night, they were shouting
"Di,
Di, Di".
Princess Di's driver was on his way to the pearly gates when he met God out
front. He screamed, "God, what are you doing?". God replied, "What do you
mean
my son?" The driver replied, "I said I wanted to be f*cking Di in the
tunnel,
not f*cking die in the tunnel".
The way I understand it... someone yelled "Lady Di" and the driver thought
it
was an order.
What did the French doctors say to Prince Charles when they telephoned him?
"Princess Die"
What did Dodi say to his chauffeur? "Do you want to come to Paris with me
and
Di?"
Did you hear they are going to make a movie about her?
It's going to be called "Di hard".
or
... "Live and Let Di"
... "One Wedding and a Funeral"
... "Four holidays and a funeral"
And it's to be shown in drive-in theatres only
Did you hear that Di is going to get married again? They say its a match
made
in heaven.
Its politically incorrect to say that someone has Di'd. You say someone's
life
has "come to an end".
Why did Elton John sing at the funeral? Because he's the only queen who
cares.
Why did Elton john take his boyfriend to the funeral? So at least one old
queen
would be seen to cry in public.
Elton John is going to rename his tribute song "Door handle through her
Grin!"
Elton John is now writing his next song about himself...It's called "Like a
Gerbil in the Wind."
Elton John re-released "Candle In the Wind" as a single but now that Diana
is
buried he should've re-released "Island Girl" instead.
What do Diana and Versace have in common? They both get screwed by queens
and
die.
Why did Lady Di go and die? She wanted to be the first to try on the Versace
Summer 98 Collection.
What did the paparazzi do with the little bits of Di's body before the pigs
arrived? Made a pizza and took pictures of it!
Jerry Adams has denied that the IRA has asked the paparazzi for photos of
the
royal family and members of the British parliament.
When I saw the headline "Paparazzi hunts Di to death", my immediate reaction
was: "I'll never buy another of his records!"
Why did God invent the cockroach? So the paparazzi could have someone to
look
down to.
Did you hear what Di said when the French photographers asked if they could
take her picture in the car wreck? "Over my dead Dodi."
What was Diana's last word? Cheese !!!
What was the last thing Di said to Dodi? 'These paparazzi are driving me up
the
wall'
What did Paparazzi say before chasing Princess Di on a motorcycle? I'd kill
for
a picture, and he did.
And after the crash: Hey! This is better than the OJ case. Could you bleed a
little more? I need more colour.
In a surprise press release, Paris officials confirmed today that Princess
Diana's internal organs will be divvyed up and sped post-haste to the most
deserving charities in the world. Paparazzi have been on the alert for
further
sightings.
What was the last thing Diana said to the paparazzi? No more pictures, I'm a
bloody Princess!
Apparently, Diana had a pizza in the Ritz before the fatal journey. Silly
cow
asked for extra paparazzi.
What's the bumper sticker on Fergie's car? I brake for Paparazzi.
What's the difference between the paparazzi and Princess Di? The paparazzi
dig
for dirt, Di dug for gold.
When Diana said she would never talk to the British press again I didn't
know
she was speaking the truth!!
All 7 journalists are being charged with ma'am-slaughter.
What does Diana's bumper sticker say? My other car's a decoy.
What is the difference between leeches and the paparazzi? Leeches fall off
after you die.
The paparazzi asked Prince Charles if he has had sex since divorcing Diana.
He replied, "infrequently."
The paparazzi responded by saying,
"Is that one word or two?"
How many paparazzis does it take to kill Di? 50. One to drive in front of Di
and 49 to take pictures.
How did The Royal Family stop the paparazzi from visiting Diana's grave? By
placing Land mines around it.
Princess Diana and Mother Theresa have died and are at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter says, "Tell me a little about what you did on earth."
The first one says, "I lived among sick and diseased people on the lowest
rung
of society. Every day I heard them cry out wanting more and more of me."
"Yeah" said Saint Peter, "Those Paparazi are real scum. You can come in Di."
Then he turned to the other woman. "What about you Mother Theresa?
Why did Mother Theresa die of a heart-attack? She had the same heart doctor
as
the one who worked on Princess Di
What's the difference between Mother Theresa and Diana? Around 5 days.
By the way, Elton John is now set to make a tribute record for Mother
Teresa...Sandals in the bin
What did the Pope say when asked, "Why was Diana more popular than Mother
Theresa?" "Well, Di did have a more smashing personality."
What did Mother Theresa ask Diana the last time they met? "Can you give me a
crash course in media recognition?"
What did Princess Di and Mother Theresa have in common? They were both
chaste/chased.
Why did Princess Diana get to the Pearly Gates before Mother Theresa? Mother
Theresa deserved a Royal Reception.
Tonight we could all memorialise the sainted Mother Teresa and the beloved
Princess Diana by eating curry and then sticking our fingers down our
throats.
Yesterday a ferryboat leaving Haiti capsized and drowned 300 people. But a
tragedy was avoided when they discovered that none of them on board was a
princess.
Twenty reasons why Jesus is different to Diana
You don't have to apologise for not believing in Jesus
You don't have to queue up for 24 hours to sign the condolences books
for Jesus
No one thinks MI5 killed Jesus
The papers never changed their minds about Jesus
You can't do 120mph on a donkey
The Beatles were bigger than Jesus
Jesus only healed the lame; he never got his picture taken with them
Jesus hung around with Jews
Schoolchildren can opt out of the compulsory act of worship for Jesus
Jesus didn't slag off his family on television
There were only three kings came to see Jesus
No Christmas carol ever went platinum
Florists don't make money out of Jesus
Some Christians admit to doubts about the resurrection
The Queen was never forced to bow her head for Jesus
No one ever postponed a Port Vale game for Jesus
The churches aren't full at Easter
Jesus didn't even get two 'O' levels
There were only four accounts written of Jesus's life
Jesus wouldn't have been seen dead in the back of a Mercedes
Do you know what was playing on the stereo when the car crashed? Going
Underground
Did the British Secret Service kill Princess Diana? No, the French
underground
did it.
What do Ferrero Rocher and Princess Di have in common? They both come out of
France in a box.
What have Lady Di and a bottle of French wine got in common? The both came
from
France in a wooden box
What vegetable is most like Princess Diana? French squash.
Why are French tramps like Princess Diana? Because you'll find them smashed
against the wall of a Paris underpass on Saturday nights.
Everyone thought Diana was a bit mad. Well she was nearly "in the Seine".
What happens when you french kiss a fairy tale Princess? The frog turns into
a
wall and croaks.
If you go out on the grog, then get in a car with a Wog and a Frog and drive
like a hog, you'll be as dead as a dog.
It's just another example of Franco/German anti-British collaboration that
has
been going on since 1914...Surely it's no coincidence that the world's
best-loved English woman was killed by a drunken Frenchman driving a German
tank.
What is worse than being chased by paparazzi? Being chauffeured by a French
driver.
What's worse than being chauffeured by a French driver? Being treated by a
French doctor.
What did the French photographer say to Princess Diana as she was pulled
from
the car wreck? "What will you be wearing at the funeral?"
Apparently Elton John wasn't the first choice to play a tribute at the
funeral.
But Tommy Steele declined since he thought "Crash-Bang-Wallop - What a
Picture!
- What a Photograph!" may have been in poor taste...
What's the Bangles new hit? "Crash like an Egyptian"
What were Di and Dodi's favourite group? CRASH TEST DUMMIES
Elton John wasn't the only one who composed a song for Di...
Roxette - Crash! Boom! Bang!
Michael Jackson - Blood on the dashboard
Michael Jackson - Dirty Diana
I was going to move to Paris with my wife and young son But I hear they have
the most terrible creches...
My wife kept complaining that I never took her on vacation, so I decided to
take her to Paris and give her the royal treatment...
Dodi - "Well my dear would you like to stay the night at my luxury home? -
its
a couple of hours drive from here I'm afraid!"
Diana - "Oh Dodi I'm sure we can find somewhere nearer to crash for the
night!!"
Why was Princess Diana so thin? Crash diet.
Did you hear that Dodi wanted to go night-clubbing but Diana just wanted to
crash.
As Princess Di was leaving the Ritz Hotel, the guy at the reception said "So
Di, your not going to sleep here tonight". Di said "No, I think I will crash
somewhere else".
What did Dodi say to Di before they left the Ritz.? "Do you want to sleep
here
or crash in the car?"
What was Diana wearing the night of her crash? Crushed velvet.
Why did Di go to Paris? To get smashed!
What was the last thing Princess Di saw before she died? (Or, What was the
last
thing to go through Diana's mind?)
The Steering Wheel
or
... the dashboard
... the windscreen
... the engine block
... the back of her head
... etc.
How does a french man pickup Lady Di? With a mop!!
What was the last thing she kissed? The radiator!
Have you heard that Princess Diana was on the radio? And the dashboard, and
the
windscreen, and...
Did you hear that Diana had Blue eyes? One blew out the left window and the
other out the right window.
Where was Di last seen? On the radio
I was watching the remains being taken back in that big state coffin, and I
thought "Why did they bother taking her out of the ashtray?"
What's Diana and a tampon got in common? They both go in dark holes and come
out red.
Where did Diana go for her holidays? All over Paris.
Once again Princess Diana proves a big hit in Paris.
What did the French mortuary attendant say when he got the body bags?
Zip-a-de
Dodi, Zip-a-de Di
If Diana's heart was in the right place...why was it found in the glove box?
Apparently the chauffeur wasn't the only legless person in the car.
What's the similarity between Neighbours & Prince Charles? Neighbours have
Mrs
Mangle, Charles has a mangled Mrs.
What do Lady Di and the Beatles have in common? They both made quite an
impact
over in Europe.
So they found out Princess Di had dandruff. They found her "head and
shoulders"
in the back seat.
When Princess Di went out she said to her sons i'll be back in a Jiffe
Apparently it wasn't the chauffeurs fault, Di had also been drinking,
reports
show she had 2 pints of Carling in her.
What is Dodi's new pet name for Di? Squidgy
What were Dodi's last words? 'Faster! Faster!'
Hint: The driver misunderstood the expressions of pleasure for orders...
hence the accident.
Who was the last guy to f*ck princess Di? The doctor who turned her life
support machine off!
What would Diana be doing if she were alive today? Trying to claw her way
out
of her coffin.
What is Diana doing right now? Decomposing.
How do you make a princess pregnant? Cum on the radiator and let the merc do
the rest.
How do you spoil Princess Diana? Leave her out in the sun.
Did you hear that Prince William went out for a couple of drinks that
saturday
night and came home absolutely motherless.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Di
Di who?
See, easily forgotten.
What was Diana's last dessert dish? a Turnover.
Diana's name has been changed to...The Royalty formally known as Princess
Di.
What do you give to a princess who has everything? A safetybelt and an
airbag.
What were Princess Diana's last words? "Darn, I can't auction this dress
now!"
What's the similarity between Princess Di and a landmine? They're both easy
to
lay but difficult to clear up.
What's the difference between those who get offended by Princess Diana jokes
and a puppy? The puppy eventually stops whining.
What's the difference between Diana and a pocketful of change? It's easier
to
scrape together a pocketful of change.
And, in the You Knew It had to Happen Dept: A Volvo dealer in
Macau lost his franchise after running an ad with a picture of Prince
Diana and the tagline, "She'd still be alive if she was in a
Volvo."
A policeman at the scene was trying to take her knickers off, his superior
asked what he thought he was doing. He replied, "you told me to measure the
skid marks".
Have you heard about the Princess Diana computer virus? Your computer speeds
up, your driver runs into a post processor, and your hard drive crashes.
Why did Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
Why didn't Superman come and rescue Princess Diana? Because he's a
quadraplegic!
Diana's last words: 'Take me up the tunnel, make me scream!'
Why was Princess Di' car going so fast? She was late for her flying lesson
with
John Denver.
Come gather around people,
And hear what we tell...
Of an Arab and a Princess,
Now rotting in hell.
Diana and Dodi,
No longer walk tall...
At 200 kilometers,
Smack into a wall.
Bodyguard drunk,
The chauffeur was pissed...
All of them dead,
And none will be missed.
To all of Great Britain,
It seems such bad luck,
The rest of the world,
Just don't give a f*ck.
Paparazzi snapping,
With their cameras new-fangled...
But we all want to see,
The shots of them mangled.
If only they knew,
It would come as a shock...
That when she was killed,
She was sucking his c*ck.
Now Charles can talk openly,
About f*cking Camilla,
Now longer has to do it,
In a secret French villa.
Prince William and Harry,
They cried many tears,
But mummies been f*cking,
All around her for years.
Soul of the party,
At the Queen's secret orgies,
With her licking and sucking,
And f*cking and corgies.
Stately funeral,
As if they'd been shot...
F*ck her in the ground,
And let the bitch rot.
All the King's surgeons,
And all the King's men,
Couldn't put the whore,
Back together again.
A gold digging bimbo,
Who failed all her tests,
Now it is time,
To lay her to rest.
Eating and drinking,
With the Lords and the rich,
You won't need food now,
You bulimic bitch!
Candle in the wind (as originally drafted)
Goodbye Princess Di
May they all forget you were a tart
And have the grace to shed a tear
Before the rumours start
You went out of the country
And you tried to hide in vain
They saw you in the tabloids
You really should have changed your name
But it seems to me your driver was
Over three sheets to the wind
Never knowing what had happened
When the roof fell in
And I'd have liked to have seen the photo
But then I'm just a lout
Your minder will die of heart disease
Before the truth gets out
Royalty was tough
Those regal ears without a dick
Imagine bedding that one night
We can see you had to split
And 'specially now you're dead
Oh the Brits are all contrite
But when you were alive
They really couldn't give a shite
Goodbye Princess Di
From the young man who doesn't want to know
Who thinks you've run off to the Caribbean
To live with Marilyn Monroe
(and JFK, Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison, Hendrix, Luther King, Maxwell =
et al.)
Candle in the wind (take two)
"Goodbye Diana-queen, though I never new you at all, I fantasized =
about
you, while in the shower stall..."
..."Even when you died, the paparazzi photographed you, while at the
same time, took your pulse to make sure you wouldn't come alive...."
..."And it seems to me, you lived your life, like an adultress in the
castle, never knowing, who you slept with, so the prince would give you
hassle."
"I would have liked to love you, but I was just a queer, I slept with
Charles long before, your highness ever did..."