tasteless phrases

[Mark John Milton]

Dear alt.tasteless.jokers

I'm starting a collection of tasteless pharses or metaphores

such as:

I'm as full as the Popes balls,

I've got an arse like a blood orange (v good description
the mourning after a curry)

Dry as a nuns snatch,

She's got a face like a bulldog licking piss of a nettle. etc etc.

Anybody got any better, sicker etc? Good!!

[Mike Bartmanovich]

In <3flpkt$3...@calvin.st-and.ac.uk> mj...@st-and.ac.uk (Mark John Milton) writes:

>Dear alt.tasteless.jokers

>I'm starting a collection of tasteless pharses or metaphores

How 'bout -

Hotter than a half-fucked fox in a forest fire! (coitus interruptus)

Slicker than deer guts on a doorknob. (showing appreciation)

About as sharp as a sack of wet mice (referring to someone's intelligence)

Well, dip me in shit and roll me in crumbs! (said with surprise)

Holy shit Mar-gar-it!/Je-sus Christ Martha! (my all-time/occasion favorites)

There's only 2 types of music I hate; country and western.

Well,
I ain't hurtin'
I ain't lovin'
so I must be leavin'

Mike

[Mark John Milton]

Leeane Roberts (TWR...@prodigy.com) wrote:
: Hey, where ya been out fishing in toilet bowls again?

Another good one is "I'm sweating like a rapist"

[Katie Sehorn]

In article <3fm1t5$9...@canopus.cc.umanitoba.ca>,

Mike Bartmanovich <mi...@hsc.mb.ca> wrote:
>In <3flpkt$3...@calvin.st-and.ac.uk> mj...@st-and.ac.uk (Mark John Milton)
writes:
>
>>Dear alt.tasteless.jokers
>
>>I'm starting a collection of tasteless pharses or metaphores
>

>Well, dip me in shit and roll me in crumbs! (said with surprise)
>

Similar to this one, I like:

Well, shove crumbs up my cunt and call me Thanksgiving dinner!

- Katie

--
Send meaningful responses, hugs and flames to: seh...@willamette.edu
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N++ j+ G' !tv b+ !D B-- e+ u+** h+ f? r-- n+ x+(--)

[Steve Price]

Linda Ball (ljb...@bioc.cam.ac.uk) wrote:

: > Dry as a nuns snatch,

Drier than a witches tit
: >
: > She's got a face like a bulldog licking piss of a nettle.
: >
She's got a face that a dog wouldn't lick

: He's tighter than a camels arse in a sand storm

He's so tight, his arse squeaks when he walks

--
Steve Price

[Alan R. Davis]

gle...@ix.netcom.com (Glen Lewis) wrote:
>
> In <3ftpjo$i...@gemini.willamette.edu> seh...@willamette.edu (Katie

> Better Thanksgiving one: The way she gives head reminds me of a
> Thanksgiving dinner - she's a real GOBBLER! or The last time I saw a
> face like hers, a jockey was feeding it sugar cubes! G. Lewis

Oh, so you saw Tori Spelling on 90210 this week too, eh?

[Itamar Netzer]

Ketchup is a Vegetable. (by FZ)

[Gary and Kathy Yoder]

In <5.9957.62...@softnet.com> dan.g...@softnet.com (Dan Gamble)
writes:

>
> -=> Quoting ArnehoegRe: tasteless phrasesiri.unit.no to All <=-
>
> Ar> In article [snip] (Mark

> Ar> John Milton) writes:
> |> I'm starting a collection of tasteless pharses or metaphores
> |>

> |> She's got a face like a bulldog licking piss of a nettle. etc etc.
> |>
> |> Anybody got any better, sicker etc? Good!!
> |>

> Here is a few.
>
> Tighter than a Nun's cunt on easter sunday.
>
> Ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road.
>
> Full of piss and Vinegar.
>
> As queer as a Catholic Priest.
>
> etc...etc...
>
> Dan Gamble/Team Bushstrike
> Sysop/NetRunnerBBS/London/On/Can
> [519]457-7688/14400bd/24hrs
> dan.g...@softnet.com
>
>
>
>
>... Windows=Crippleware for the Functionally Challenged
>___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12
>

Stinks enough to knock a vulture off a shit wagon.

Looks like his face was on fire, and someone put it out with a wet
chain.

Kathy

[david clark]

In article <D30H5...@discus.technion.ac.il>
s386...@techst02.technion.ac.il "Itamar Netzer" writes:

> Ketchup is a Vegetable. (by FZ)

Actually, it is a fruit!!!

--
Dave T. Stud

*****************************************************************
* To err is human..... *
* .....to really foul things up requires a computer! *
* ______________________________________________________ *
* DON'T DREAM IT, DO IT!!! *
*****************************************************************

[Mark John Milton]

david clark (da...@llamkuf.demon.co.uk) wrote:
: In article <D30H5...@discus.technion.ac.il>
: s386...@techst02.technion.ac.il "Itamar Netzer" writes:

: > Ketchup is a Vegetable. (by FZ)

: Actually, it is a fruit!!!

: --
: Dave T. Stud

Actually its a type of sauce

[Sean James Lennon]

In article <3gf4m2$k...@ixnews1.ix.netcom.com>, Gary and Kathy Yoder (yo...@ix.netcom.com) writes:
>In <5.9957.62...@softnet.com> dan.g...@softnet.com (Dan Gamble)
>writes:
>

[other stuff deleted]

>
>Stinks enough to knock a vulture off a shit wagon.

"...her breath way so bad she could knock a fly of a bucket of
shit!"
- Chubby Brown (I think)

>
>Looks like his face was on fire, and someone put it out with a wet
>chain.
>
>Kathy
>

Cheers,

Sean.

[Sean James Lennon]

In article <3g861k$3...@io.salford.ac.uk>, "I.A.Drumm" (ACP...@news.salford.ac.uk) writes:
>
>Got an arse like a bag of shit.
>
>Got a face a Jimmy Nail would'nt piss on.
>
About as useful as a rubber spanner!

About as useful chocolate teapot/firegaurd!

If he had another brain cell, he'd be a vegetable!

If you drank that beer any slower you'd be in reverse!

Cheers,

Sean.

[Checked for speling errors]

In article <791491...@llamkuf.demon.co.uk>,

da...@llamkuf.demon.co.uk (david clark) writes:
>In article <D30H5...@discus.technion.ac.il>
> s386...@techst02.technion.ac.il "Itamar Netzer" writes:
>
>> Ketchup is a Vegetable. (by FZ)
>
>Actually, it is a fruit!!!

Actually, it is a processed condiment.

[Joh Archer]

: About as useful as a rubber spanner!

: About as useful chocolate teapot/firegaurd!

Useless as the fifth tit on a cow !

Jon

[John Wittenberg]

da...@llamkuf.demon.co.uk (david clark) wrote:
>In article <D30H5...@discus.technion.ac.il>
> s386...@techst02.technion.ac.il "Itamar Netzer" writes:
>
>> Ketchup is a Vegetable. (by FZ)
>
>Actually, it is a fruit!!!

Actually, FZ was quoting Ronald Reagan (or was it Tricky Dick?
I always get those two confused.)

--
John Wittenberg If you don't like the news
Santa Cruz, CA, USA go out and make some of your own.
jo...@cruzio.com - Scoop Nisker
-----------------------------------------------------------

[Mike McIntyre]

In article <2...@excrement.win-uk.net>,

>About as useful as a rubber spanner!
>
>About as useful chocolate teapot/firegaurd!
>
>If he had another brain cell, he'd be a vegetable!
>
>If you drank that beer any slower you'd be in reverse!
>
>Cheers,
>
>Sean.
>

As useless as tits on a whore.

--
Fins Up,

MikeMc
m...@primenet.com

[Remko_Weingarten]

In article <1995Feb2.1...@buckie.hsc.colorado.edu> sbu...@uh01.Colorado.EDU (Checked for speling errors) writes:
>Subject: Re: tasteless phrases
>From: sbu...@uh01.Colorado.EDU (Checked for speling errors)
>Date: 2 Feb 95 16:05:26 MST

actually i don't care.

[RickVosper]

Thanks, all.

"I laughed so hard, I almost shit my tapeworm"

--- William S. Burroughs.

[Kmajor]

Well paint me green and call me kermit !

[Mike Bartmanovich]

You're so ugly, you could gag a maggot on a gut wagon.

Well, suck me dry and call me Dusty!

Make me wet and call me Rusty!

[cascade, anyone?]

- Mike

[Tommy Jackson]

jrar...@indirect.com (Joh Archer) writes:

>Jon

Useless as teats on a boar hog.

[Stephen Ehrstein]

One of my favorites for announcing the impending need for defecation is to
refer to the fecal matter as "turtle-heading."

[Tim Thompson]

Your about as sharp as a marble!

[pete...@asb.com]

You forgot:

You're so hairy Bigfoot takes picture of you.

You're so fat, you jump up in the air and get stuck.

You're teeth are so yellow, when you smile she sun wears shades.

You're teeth are so yellow, when you walk down the street and smile, car's
slow down.

You're so fat, ring around the collar on you looks like Saturn.

[pete...@asb.com]

A guys into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a dumb jock joke.

The bartender says, "The guy in the corner is a profession wrestler. The guy
in the other corner is a prize fighter. This guy next to you is a professional
hockey play. I played football for 5 years. Now, do you STILL want to tell
your dumb jock joke?"

The guy says, "No. I don't want to have to explain it 4 times."

[Rusty Eichblatt]

> You're so fat, ring around the collar on you looks like Saturn.
>

You're so fat, when you wear an "X" jacket, helicopters try to
land on you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Mike Bartmanovich]

In <3hauq9$2...@nntp1.u.washington.edu> smda...@u.washington.edu (Stephen Dailey) writes:

>If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart!

If I want any lip from you, I'll rattle my zipper!

OBalongthesamelines:

This could be urban legend, but a buddy of mine claims firsthand
knowledge of the incident;

A man and a woman working in the same office didn't get along very well,
and were constantly pissing each other off. One day, they are both in a
meeting, when the guy looks at the woman and calls her 'Ratchet'.

When asked why he had called her Ratchet, the guy said "Because every
time I see you, my nuts tighten!".

According to my friend, the guy was suspended for 3 days for making a
discriminatory statement.

- Mike

[Mike Bartmanovich]

In <1995Feb13....@acad.stedwards.edu> rmo...@acad.stedwards.edu (Richard Thomas Montgomery) writes:

>: How about
>: She's uglier than a box of rocks
>: or replace "uglier" with "dumber"

>: Rich

It looks like someone set your face on fire and put it out with a rake!

You look like you've been bludgeoned with an ugly stick.

You could be the poster boy/girl for Planned Parenthood.

You wouldn't know a good thing if it peed on you.

You look like a million bucks...green and wrinkled (for all the kiddies)

She's a pirate's dream .... with her sunken chest.

She's a carpenter's dream .... flat as a board and always ready for a nail.

You're so ugly, you could sieze an engine!

- Mike

[Mark John Milton]

A few more questionable terms:

Sweating: "I'm sweating like a rapist"
Really sweating: "I'm sweating like a hooded rapist"
Dying for a dump: "I could shit through the eye of a needle"
Someone who likes to drink alot: "He could drink lager through a shitty cloth"

Terms for piles: Bum grapes, emma freuds, farmer giles,
Dukes (Duke of Argyles)

Taa very much.

[J Moschell]

Metaphors:
Not dealing with a full deck
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top
A brick shy of a load
Only has one oar in the water
Damn boy doesn't know which end of the spoon to use
Five cans short of a six pack
Not hitting on all eight cylinders
Not the brightest bulb on the christmas tree
Few sandwiches short of a picnic
Sharp as a bag of wet mice

--
: '''
: (o o)
: +-----oOOO--(_)---OOOo-----+
Those that beat guns into plows will plow for those that don't.

[J Moschell]

As funny as a turd in a punchbowl
Like a fart in a diver's helmet
Like a fart in a space suit
Busier than a one legged man in an ass kickin' contest
Hotter than a burning stump
Older than dirt
Goes over like a pregnant pole vaulter
Gabbin' so much she'll sunburn her tongue
Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers
Nervous as a whore in church
Dryer than a cotton field in a sand storm
Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey
Finer than frog hair
Dull as ditchwater
Slower than a freight train on a dirt road
Longer than a wagon ride to town with hemorroids
Sorrier than a pit bull chewing on a wasp
Clear as the balls on a tall dog
Flat as piss on a plate
'Bout as smart as puttin' an elevator in an outhouse
Tighter than a camel's ass in a sandstorm
As full as the Pope's Balls
Ugly enough that even a dog won't lick her face
Painful as being fucked by a chainsaw on a table of broken glass

[Frank G. Soler]

eh...@uhura.cc.rochester.edu (Stephen Ehrstein) wrote:
>
> One of my favorites for announcing the impending need for defecation is to
> refer to the fecal matter as "turtle-heading."

In a similar vein, I recently heard one fellow announce that he was going to
"drop some wolf-bait".

[Frank G. Soler]

tj...@osuunx.ucc.okstate.edu (Tommy Jackson) wrote:
>
> [snip]

>
> Useless as teats on a boar hog.
>
>

I heard a Pennsylvania miner observe that someone "was as graceful as
a bear cub fucking a football".

Frank

[MaxRad]

Don't forget having to leave for a pee as "going to shake hands with
Nixon"....

[rlri...@delphi.com]

How about...
He (she) didn't come to town with a full
load of pumpkins?

Ray L. Rivera

[Brad Drysdale]

try these:

well suck me off with a yabbie pump

well...fuck me with the wrong end of a pineapple

--
Brad Drysdale
School of Maths, Physics, Computing & Electronics,
Macquarie University, Sydney, Australia. \|
Internet Address: Brad.D...@mq.edu.au (]

[di...@industry.org]

I7>Metaphors:
I7>Not dealing with a full deck
I7>Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top
I7>A brick shy of a load
I7>Only has one oar in the water
I7>Damn boy doesn't know which end of the spoon to use
I7>Five cans short of a six pack
I7>Not hitting on all eight cylinders
I7>Not the brightest bulb on the christmas tree
I7>Few sandwiches short of a picnic
I7>Sharp as a bag of wet mice

Hasn't seen the ball since the kickoff
Has one tire stuck in the sand
Couldn't blow his/her nose if brains were dynamite

..dirt..

--
----------> Origin: (I)ndustry BBS - Metro-Detroit, MI (810)949-0109
For more Info, e-mail in...@industry.org

[O-Aye]

You're so fat, you need a boomerang to put a scarf around your neck!

You're so fat, that when you got up to dance at your wedding, you made the
BAND skip!

You're so fat, when you walk into Burger King, the manager yells, "The
Whopper's home!"

--
уммммммммммммммммммЎ ЗИО▀ИОДФНЗ тммммммммммммммммммм╦
Ё ЗЫ--==ПП**> The Onion is our Friend <**ПП==--ЫЗ Ё
Ё Зonio...@Maestro.ComЗ Ё
тмммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммЎ

[Alan Daniels]

In <024317XDBA...@industry.org> di...@industry.org writes:

>I7>Metaphors:
>I7>Not dealing with a full deck
>I7>Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top
>I7>A brick shy of a load
>I7>Only has one oar in the water
>I7>Damn boy doesn't know which end of the spoon to use
>I7>Five cans short of a six pack
>I7>Not hitting on all eight cylinders
>I7>Not the brightest bulb on the christmas tree
>I7>Few sandwiches short of a picnic
>I7>Sharp as a bag of wet mice
>
>Hasn't seen the ball since the kickoff
>Has one tire stuck in the sand
>Couldn't blow his/her nose if brains were dynamite

And let's not forget the old standby...
"Couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight."

Sorta sounds like a Dave Letterman Top 10 list. :-)

Alan Daniels.
a...@ix.netcom.com.

[Ed Sulikowski]

BRYAN A (m6...@unb.ca) wrote:
: In article <3hr4lc$7...@mozz.unh.edu> j...@hopper.unh.edu (Jeffrey T Butler) writes:
: >From: j...@hopper.unh.edu (Jeffrey T Butler)
: >Subject: Re: tasteless phrases
: >Date: 14 Feb 1995 20:43:24 GMT

: >mi...@hsc.mb.ca (Mike Bartmanovich) writes:
: >>You're so ugly, you could gag a maggot on a gut wagon.

: >>Well, suck me dry and call me Dusty!
: >>Make me wet and call me Rusty!

: >Burn me up and call me Crusty!

: Chop my dick and call me Christian...
: *shrug*

: -Ichi-

:So old He/She fart's dust!:> Got ya

[Katie Sehorn]

In article <3hakib$j...@canopus.cc.umanitoba.ca>,

I thought I already posted this, but oh well:

Shove crumbs up my cunt and call me Thanksgiving dinner!

- Katie
--
Send meaningful responses, hugs and flames to: seh...@willamette.edu

"There's a line between fantasy and reality, I guess...." - Ellen Gilchrist

[Steve Alexander]

In article <024317XDBA...@industry.org> di...@industry.org writes:
>Subject: Re: tasteless phrases

>From: di...@industry.org
>Date: Wed, 15 Feb 95 19:49:07 EST

>I7>Metaphors:
>I7>Not dealing with a full deck
>I7>Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top
>I7>A brick shy of a load
>I7>Only has one oar in the water
>I7>Damn boy doesn't know which end of the spoon to use
>I7>Five cans short of a six pack
>I7>Not hitting on all eight cylinders
>I7>Not the brightest bulb on the christmas tree
>I7>Few sandwiches short of a picnic
>I7>Sharp as a bag of wet mice

>Hasn't seen the ball since the kickoff
>Has one tire stuck in the sand
>Couldn't blow his/her nose if brains were dynamite

If brains were cotton, wouldn't have enough to make a tampon for a piss ant.
Sharp as a wet mop.
Slower than molasses in winter time.
Dump as a box of rocks.
Thinks he's shit on a stick but is really just a fart on a splinter.

If I could buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's
worth, I'd make a fortune.

[Grams]

>
Organization: Calgary UNIX User's Group

Victor Sletten (vsle...@minerva.cis.yale.edu) wrote:
: If I want any shit from you, I'll squeeze it out of your head.

: --
: Victor Sletten vsle...@minerva.cis.yale.edu
: Department of Geology & Geophysics Yale University

: Boston is a city of cat stranglers. -- Jim Harrison, _Wolf_

If I want any lip from you, I'll rattle my zipper.

If I want to hear from an asshole, I'll fart.

---G G---

[Chris Hennessy]

Another Aussie one ...

Fuck off cum bubble.

How tall are you? i didn't know shit piled that high.

Chris

[Roger Rempel]

In article <D4IuA...@acsu.buffalo.edu> f...@cs.buffalo.edu (Creff) writes:

>>: >Thinks he's shit on a stick but is really just a fart on a splinter.

Thinks he's hot shit in a champagne glass but he's cold diarrhea in a paper cup

[Chris Slattery]

Front of the line when giving brains out ... got the wrapper...

When God was giving brains out , she thought he said 'trains'
and asked for a big wooden one..

Roger Rempel (ro...@tetres.ca) wrote:

: In article <D4IuA...@acsu.buffalo.edu> f...@cs.buffalo.edu (Creff) writes:

: >>: >Thinks he's shit on a stick but is really just a fart on a splinter.

: Thinks he's hot shit in a champagne glass but he's cold diarrhea in a paper cup

--
Those who have been to the Church in Kings Cross,hello!

[Finbar]

Creff (f...@cs.buffalo.edu) wrote:
: Gary Gambino <cl24...@homer.louisville.edu> wrote:
: >ZON...@DELPHI.COM (ZON...@news.delphi.com) wrote:
: >: al...@cts.com (Steve Alexander) writes:
: >

: >: >In article <024317XDBA...@industry.org> di...@industry.org writes:
: >: >>Subject: Re: tasteless phrases
: >: >>From: di...@industry.org
: >: >>Date: Wed, 15 Feb 95 19:49:07 EST
: >
: >
: >
: >: >>I7>Metaphors:
: >: >>I7>Not dealing with a full deck
: >: >>I7>Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top
: >: >>I7>A brick shy of a load
: >: >>I7>Only has one oar in the water
: >: >>I7>Damn boy doesn't know which end of the spoon to use
: >: >>I7>Five cans short of a six pack
: >: >>I7>Not hitting on all eight cylinders
: >: >>I7>Not the brightest bulb on the christmas tree
: >: >>I7>Few sandwiches short of a picnic
: >: >>I7>Sharp as a bag of wet mice

: >A few fries short of a Happy Mea
: >
: >: >>Hasn't seen the ball since the kickoff

: >: >>Has one tire stuck in the sand
: >: >>Couldn't blow his/her nose if brains were dynamite
: >
: >: >If brains were cotton, wouldn't have enough to make a tampon for a piss ant.
: >: >Sharp as a wet mop.
: >: >Slower than molasses in winter time.
: >: >Dump as a box of rocks.
: >: >Thinks he's shit on a stick but is really just a fart on a splinter.
: >
: >: >If I could buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's
: >: >worth, I'd make a fortune.

: >
: >
: >: He/she is not the sharpest tac in the box.
: >: Doesn't have all of his/her ducks in a row.

: He/she is not the thickest book on the shelf
: He/she is not the brightest star in the sky

: etc.

: Creff

What about "thick as two short planks"

[PRESCOTT ERICA LEE]

A few grapes short of a fruit salad...

[collyer...@gmail.com]

Dryer than a dog's chuff mate

[Jmar...@aol.com]

On Thursday, January 19, 1995 at 5:32:13 AM UTC-8, Mark John Milton wrote:
> Dear alt.tasteless.jokers
>
> I'm starting a collection of tasteless pharses or metaphores
>
> such as:
>
> I'm as full as the Popes balls,
>
> I've got an arse like a blood orange (v good description
> the mourning after a curry)
>
> Dry as a nuns snatch,
>
> She's got a face like a bulldog licking piss of a nettle. etc etc.
>
> Anybody got any better, sicker etc? Good!!

Well suck me dry and call me Dusty!

[Loose Cannon]

On Thursday, January 19, 1995 at 8:32:13 AM UTC-5, Mark John Milton wrote:
> Dear alt.tasteless.jokers
>
> I'm starting a collection of tasteless pharses or metaphores
>
> such as:
>
> I'm as full as the Popes balls,
>
> I've got an arse like a blood orange (v good description
> the mourning after a curry)
>
> Dry as a nuns snatch,
>
> She's got a face like a bulldog licking piss of a nettle. etc etc.
>
> Anybody got any better, sicker etc? Good!!

tighter than a duck's ass, and that's waterproof.