Jesus jokes
Daren
him to the cross?
A:"Cross your legs we only have one nail left"
Q:What did Jesus say to the Virgin Mary as she looked up at him
hanging from the crucifix?
A:"Look Ma I can see the house from here".
Jew dies, goes to heaven. Meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. Gets a guided
tour of hheaven. At one point they come to a huge wall; say's
St. Peter, "Sshh." Jew asks why. St. Peter says "On the other side
of the wall are the Christians, and they think they're the only ones
here."
---------------- Q: What did the lions say when the Emperor of Rome threw
the
Christians
into the arena?
A: Yum!
----------------
Up in Heaven, God was feeling tired. He had been a busy deity lately.
Anyways, St. Peter suggests he should go on vacation. "Where?", rants
God, "I created everything! I know what everything is!!" "Well",
replies St. Peter, "Earth is a nice place. You could go there." "Ohh
no! Not Earth!", says God, "I went there about two thousand years
ago, screwed some chick, and they're *still* talking about it!"
----------------
Jesus walks into a hotel, tosses three nails on the front desk and
says, "Hey, can you put me up for the night?"
----------------
Jesus, hanging on the cross, spots Peter in the crowd at the bottom
of the hill. "Peter," he calls. "Peter." Peter hears his name and
replies, "I hear, Lord, I'm coming," and starts up the hill toward
the cross. A Roman guard blocks Peter's way and says, "Stop, or I'll
cut off your arm." But Peter says, "I must go on, my Lord is calling
me," and tries to pass the guard, who cuts off his arm with a sword.
Jesus calls again, "Peter, Peter...", so Peter continues, bleeding
and in terrible pain, up the hill toward the cross. Another guard
blocks his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other arm." Peter
ignores this, saying, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter
tries to pass the second guard, the guard cuts off his other arm with
his sword. Jesus calls again, "Peter...," so Peter, getting weak from
the pain, continues up the hill. A third guard blocks his way and
says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your leg." Peter says to the guard, "I
must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to continue up the
hill, the guard cuts off his leg. Peter falls in a heap of pain and
blood, but still manages to push and drag himself up the hill toward
the cross with his one remaining leg. Jesus calls again,
"Peter...Peter..." Peter replies, "I hear, Lord, I'm coming." Another
guard steps in front of Peter and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your
other leg." Peter squirms top try to pass the guard, so the guard cuts
off Peter's other leg. In excruciating pain, Peter uses sheer
willpower to drag his mutilated body to the base of the cross.
Panting, he raises his eyes toward Jesus and says, "I am here, Lord. I
have answered your call. Jesus looks down at Peter and says, "Peter...
I can see your house from here."
----------------
Top 10 Reasons
Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus
-------------------------------------------------
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't
think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on
people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake,
hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a
second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie
to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are
groups to help you stop.
---------------
Jesus, hanging on the cross, raises his eyes toward the heavens and
cries, "Father Almighty, please remove these nails from my hands...
- WAIT, NO! THE FEET, THE FEET!!"
----------------
Q: Why was Christ able to walk on water?
A: Shit floats.
----------------
The Magi are walking into the stable when one of 'em trips on a loose
board, falls on his ass and gets up muttering "Jesus Christ!"
Mary nudges Joseph and says "Y'know, that's a better name than Homer."
----------------
Q: Why doesn't Jesus eat M&M's?
A: They fall through his hands.
----------------
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?
A: It takes only one nail to hang a painting.
----------------
Q: How can we tell it was a jew who crucified Jesus?
A: Who else would tell the guy to cross his legs to save one spike?
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,
and his mother was sure he was God
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1.His first name was Jesus
2.He was always in trouble with the law
3.His mother did not know who his father was
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CULTIST:
1. He formed his own secret group of 12 followers.
2. He claimed he had special connection to God.
3. On the third day after his death he went up to the spaceship.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IN ADVERTISING
1. He found himself regularly praying for mercy.
2. He liked to make big speeches at supper.
3. He was adamant that even the most whopping sins can be forgiven.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A RASTAFARIAN
1. He was from Babylon.
2. He wore dread locks.
3. His picture is on the zig-zag package.
Twenty reasons why Jesus is different to Diana
A. You don't have to apologise for not believing in Jesus
B. You don't have to queue up for 24 hours to sign the condolences books for
Jesus
C. No one thinks MI5 killed Jesus
D. The papers never changed their minds about Jesus
E. You can't do 120mph on a donkey
F. The Beatles were bigger than Jesus
G. Jesus only healed the lame; he never got his picture taken with them
H. Jesus hung around with Jews
I. Schoolchildren can opt out of the compulsory act of worship for Jesus
J. Jesus didn't slag off his family on television
K. There were only three kings came to see Jesus
L. No Christmas carol ever went platinum
M. Florists don't make money out of Jesus
N. Some Christians admit to doubts about the resurrection
O. The Queen was never forced to bow her head for Jesus
P. No one ever postponed a Port Vale game for Jesus
Q. The churches aren't full at Easter
R. Jesus didn't even get two 'O' levels
S. There were only four accounts written of Jesus's life
T. Jesus wouldn't have been seen dead in the back of a Mercedes
1.
Jesus decided to go say hi to his old buddy St. Peter, so he strolled out
to the Pearly Gates and noticed a HUGE long line of people waiting to get
in.
St. Peter saw Jesus coming and said "Oh, thank goodness someone showed up!
Listen, Jesus, there's a huge line of people out here, and I'm going bats
trying to keep them all sorted out. Could you take over for a few minutes
so I can take a break? I'd be ever so grateful!"
Jesus said that sure, it'd be fine with him to be in charge for a while,
but he really wasn't sure what kind of stuff he should check for. St. Peter
told him, "Hey, it's easy. A lot of them are already written down on the
invitation list. Just make small talk with them while you look for their
names. If they're not on the list, just tell them you're not the one
normally in charge, so if they wait a bit, I'll deal with them when I get
back."
So St. Peter left for a while, and Jesus handled the line of people,
looking up their names and generally yakking it up with the folks waiting
to get in. Eventually the line got to this one little old man. Jesus
started talking to him, "So, what did you do for a living when you were
alive?"
"I was a carpenter," the old man replied.
Jesus's ears pricked up at that answer. "Ah," He said. "Did you have a wife
or any children?"
"I had one son, but I lost him."
Jesus started to suspect something was up with this little old man, and
decided to ask another question. "Ah, a terrible loss, my good man. Tell
me, what did he look like?"
"Well," said the old man, "he looked just like any other boy, I guess,
except he had holes in his hands and his feet."
Jesus grinned broadly, opened His arms wide and cried, "DAD!"
The old man gasped. "PINOCCHIO!"
What did Jesus say to the jews when he was crucified?
I'll get even with you guys in 1940...