A WHOLE BUNCH OF POLOCK JOKES
Girdle Popper
~1
An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very
long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to
reach the top of it with his yardstick. Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the
American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk,
measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long." The Polak
grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long
it is! I want to know how high it is!"
~2
Polish firing squad, stands in a circle.
~3
New Polish navy has glass bottom boats, to see to the old Polish navy.
~4
Polish wedding, the groom stands by the reset button (bowling joke).
~5
Polish kamikaze flew 48 successful missions.
~6
Polish loan shark lends out all his money, skips town.
~7
Q. Why don't polish women use vibrators? A. It chips their teeth.
~8
Q. How do you sink a polish battleship? A. Put it in water.
~9
Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector. A1: Put you fingers in your ears
and start stamping the ground with your foot. A2: Start backing up and
waving the detector in front of you.
~10
A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He drives around all
the time waving at the rednecks. One day the rednecks stop him, they draw a
circle in the dirt and say "If you step out of that circle, we will kick
your ass." They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look
back and the is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing.
They walk over to him and ask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your
car." He says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times."
~11
Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? A polish
family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were
riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom. The parents
got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned...they couldn't
get the tailgate open.
~12
A Polish and an Italian are hunting in the woods. Suddenly a naked woman
appears. Italian: Boy, I could eat her!... The Polish guy shot her.
~13
Why wasn't Christ born in Poland? Because they couldn't find three wisemen
and a virgin.
~14
Q: What do you get if you integrate around Europe? A: Zero. Because there
are no poles in Europe. Actually, there are some Poles in Europe, but
they're removable.
~15
Q: Why did the Polak cross the road? A: He couldn't get his dick out of the
chicken.
~16
Q: How do you get a one-armed Polak out of a tree? A: Wave to him.
~17
The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that would
offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a Walleye and
called it a Kowal. It grew to a nice size and reproduced well but it
wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and called it a
Kowalski but they were so stupid they had to teach them how to swim.
~17 (alt)
Did you hear about the new game fish the Illinois Department of Natural
Resources is trying to breed? They took a Coho and crossed it with a
Walleye. They called it a Kowal. It had great taste, and fought like hell,
but wasn't very large. So they crossed it with a Muskie, and called it a
Kowalski. It has the best of everything: it fights hard, it tastes great,
and it grows up to 50 inches. The only problem is they're having trouble
teaching to swim!
~18
Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting.
They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they
went home.
~19
These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed
at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other,
"We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we
remember where this spot is?" The first guy then takes a can of spray
paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look
for this X tomorrow." The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll
get the same boat?"
~19 (alt)
These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed
at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other,
"We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we
remember where this spot is?" The first one takes a small knife and cuts a
notch in the boat's sidewall, to remember the exact location. Of course, it
doesn't work. The following night, the guy comes along with a large knife
and furiously cuts out the notch.
~20
Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in
Poland? The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies.
~21
A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers
when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climing a
tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English
guy is, and shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The English guy,
thinking fast, says, "Twit, twit, twit..." The Germans, thinking that it's
a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again
shout, "We know you're up there; come down." The French guy, thinking fast,
says, "Woo, woo, woo..." The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to
the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, "We know you're
up there; come down." The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says,
"Moo, moo, moo..."
~22
An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger, when he
decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be
working. He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car
to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy steps out and
stands in front of the car. The English guy turns on the turn signal and
asks, "Is it working?" To which the Polish guy responds, "Yes, it's
working....No, it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not
working...."
~23
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the
form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the
country people's fashion.
~24
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polak,
and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the
German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German
responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large
Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these huge
welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German
away, and say to the Polak, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take
nothing!" says the Polak, and he stands there straight and takes his 10
lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the
Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Polak!"
~25
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? A: They marched in backwards
and the Polish thought they were leaving.
~26
Q: Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side? A: So the cops can
find the handles.
~27
A patient goes to a polish doctor. Patient: I am having a hard time
hearing. I cannot even hear myself cough. Doctor: Here is a prescription,
take the medicine for 7 days, then return for a checkup. Seven days
later.... Patient: Thanks a million Doctor; at least I can hear myself
cough now. So what did you do to make me hear better? Doctor: Not much, I
gave you medicine that increased your cough.
~28 This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his
hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!" What should he
see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the
cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started
laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"
~29
A Polak, an American, and a German had a room full of dirty tampons, and
they decided to have a contest to see who could stay in there the longest.
First it was the American's turn. The other two locked him in the room and
waited. A week later, they heard him whimpering and pounding on the door so
they let him out. "That is the sickest smell I have ever endured!" cried
the American. "I couldn't stay in there another minute!" Next it was the
German's turn. After a month he finally banged on the door to be let out.
"Oh God, that is the most putrid smell in the world! I couldn't take it
another minute!" he cried as he gasped for breath. Finally it was the
Polak's turn. They locked him in the room and waited. A week went by, a
month, a year. The German and American heard nothing. Finally they began to
worry, so they yelled through the door, "You can come out now! You've won
the contest by far!" To which the Polak yelled back, "No, not yet! I'm not
done eating the jelly donuts."
~30
Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding? A: He's the one
with the CLEAN bowling shirt.
~31
Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback? A: Turn off the carousel.
~32
A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over
and decided to give him a chance. "I will give you three questions," said
the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly,
you're on the team." "Fair enough!" said the Polak eagerly. The coach
proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a
week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in
a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed
Reindeer?'" Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he
knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the
week that start with 'T'?" The Polak said, "Two!" "Very good!" said the
coach. And what are they?" "Today and Tomorrow!" "Hmm... OK," said the
coach. "How many seconds are there in a year?" "Twelve!" "Twelve? How did
you come up with twelve?" The coach was perplexed. "Well," said the Polak,
"there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of..."
"Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How many d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed
Reindeer?'" "Oh, that is easy!" laughed the Polak. "Three hundred and
sixty-five!" "WHAT?" cried the coach. "How did you get that figure?" To
which the Polak sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...."
~33
A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he
stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt
backwards?" The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!" The Polak
scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt
backwards!" Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!" To
which the Polak replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!"
~34
A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box that is two
inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?" "Hmm..." mused the
carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like
that for?" "Well, you see," said the Polak, "my neighbor moved away and
forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."
~35
Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? It's a solar-powered
flashlight.
~36
A traveling salesman has an audience with the Pope and, not quite knowing
what to say tries to break the ice with a joke... "Have you heard the one
about the two Polish priests, Holy Father?" "But I _am_ Polish, my son."
There followed a pregnant pause while the salesman thought quickly ...
"That's OK, Holy Father, I'll tell you it slowly."
~37
Q: How many Polaks does it take to change a light bulb? A1: 3. One to stand
on a chair and hold the bulb and the other two to spin the chair. A2:
100001. One to hold the bulb and the other 100000 to spin the house.
~38
A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started
lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the plane and pull
his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out
right behind him so that they would go down together. The Polak understood
and was ready.
The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The instructor
reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The Polak proceeded
to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled
the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The
instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The
instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the
Polak. The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his
parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"
~39
Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell - he's
still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
~40
Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a hand-grenade at you? A: Take the pin
out and throw it back.
~41
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and
thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and
said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, _but_ I'll let you have
anything you want now before I lock you away." The Englishman says, "I'll
have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him
away with his beer. The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of
brandy!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy. The
Polak says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!" His wish is
granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes. Five years later, the
Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the
Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the
Frenchman, who also rolls out rather inebriated. Then, they release the
Polak, who comes out and says, "Has anyone got a light?"
~42
A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful
women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he
might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last
resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by
adoring women. "Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been
trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't
seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What
do they *want*?" "Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman.
"What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming
suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very queekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a
skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades
up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes
back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I
went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I *still* haven't been able to
meet a girl." "Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go
to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up
and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts
it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and
down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an
hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman. "Look," he
says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the
beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?" "Well," says the Frenchman,
"maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to
the *front* of zee sweeming suit?"
~43
A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So he goes
off to Poland and asks the people: "Excuse me, what do you think of the
lack of meat in Poland?" All the poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?" Seeing
he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?" All the
Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?" Seeing he cannot get an answer in
the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans: "Excuse me, what do you
think of the lack of meat in Poland?" All the Americans reply: "Lack? What
is lack?" Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to
Israel, and asks the Israelis: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of
meat in Poland?" To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is
excuse me?"
~44
One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the foundations for a new
road. After several hours of hard toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on
something hard in the ground. Both men work hurriedly to dig the object out
and discover that its a treasure chest. On opening it they find jewels,
coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness
and dance around madly. When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the
Polish workman's hand and earnestly says "Sir, we will share this just like
Russian - Polish comrades should" and the Polish guy says, "Oh no, 50 -
50".
~45
A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He
is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is
more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get
him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have
left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that.
The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for
the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well
try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four
cups of tea. As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests
are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're *very* drunk.
They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there
for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to
pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into
the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says: "Comrade Colonel, we
would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at
him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the
door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the
Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the
entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly. The next morning, however,
as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:
"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your
little joke last night!"
~46
Man goes to a whore house. The Madam is out of women but, since the guy is
Polish she thinks she can get away with a blow up doll and he will never
know the difference. Being a bit nervous because she has never tried this
one before, The Madam waits outside the door. The Ploack comes out in five
minutes. "How was it?", says the Madam. "I don't know," says the Polak, "I
bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!"
~47
Q: How do you know if a Polak has been using a computer? A: There's
whiteout on the screen.
~48
Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when
he died? Five sailors died digging his grave.
~49
A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He
ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?"
The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says,
"Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the
bag, you'll have to give me one." The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you
tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."
~50
Q: How do you take census in a Polish village? A: Roll a quarter down the
street, count the legs, divide by two, and subtract one for the Jew who
catches it.
~51
Q: Who wears a dirty white robe and rides a pig? A: Lawrence of Poland.
~52
Q: Who wears a forest ranger's hat and carries a can of kerosene? A:
Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest Service.
~53
A Polak, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when
they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the
nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A
rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white
guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white
guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance,
the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water
through the desert?" The white guy explained his predicament and explained
that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he
was carrying the water. A little while later the rancher noticed the black
guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you
doing?" asked the rancher again. As before, the black guy explained the
situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry
and that's why he had the bread. Finally the Polak appeared, dragging a car
door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why
are you dragging that car door?" "Well," said the Polak, "I have a long way
to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."
~54
Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest shopping
mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the
escalators for 4 hours.
~55
Did you hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside a theater?
They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the Winter."
~56
Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an
overpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure their
truck, and realize that it's 11"6'. So the first Polak looks at the second
Polak and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"
~57
Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they
had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly
exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I`ve
never seen one that short!" The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow!
you`re right! That`s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?" "Well we
better, were almost out of fuel." So the captain got on the intercom and
notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare
for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the
plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the
ragged edge of control. The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot was
praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the
edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the
captain."That runway was SHORT!" "Yeah!" said the copilot,"and WIDE too!"
~58
Heard about the Polish hockey team? They all drowned in spring training.
~59
Hear what the Poles did with all their gold medals? Went home and got them
bronzed.
~60
A Polak was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed
suppositories. A week later the Pole complained to the doctor that they
didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regulary?"
the doctor asked. "What do you think I've been doing," the Pole said,
"Shoving them up my ass?"
~61
Did you hear about the gay Polak? He slept with women.
~62
The Polish government was tired of being the brunt of so many jokes about
their stupidity so they decided to start a building project to prove that
they weren't as dumb as the rest of the world made them out to be.
"Gentlemen," said the Minister of Public Works, "we have decided that we
can prove to the world that we aren't as dumb as the world says we are by
building the world's largest suspension bridge!" The assembly 'oohed' and
'ahhed' with appreciation. "But to REALLY show our intellectual
superiority, we are going to build it in the most conspicuous and difficult
place on Earth--the Sahara Desert!" Suddenly the assemblage erupted in mass
confusion. Everyone was shouting, and slapping the Minister of Public Works
on the back. They all agreed that this would settle this stupidity issue
once and for all. And so they commenced to building. Several months passed
before the government council reconvened. The Minister of Public Works
sadly took the pulpit. "As you have no doubt heard gentlemen, the
suspension bridge construction project is an unmitigated disaster. The
world is laughing even harder at us than ever before. We shall have to
destroy it." The Minister of Foreign Relations asked for the floor. "I'm
sorry to report this, gentlemen, but we cannot destroy the bridge." Once
again the government council broke out into mass confusion. Shouts of
consternation were heard on every tongue. Finally, the hubbub died down
enough for the Minister of Foreign Relations to be heard. "I know, I know,"
he cried, "but we just cannot get it torn down. Every crew we have sent
there winds up fishing off of the side!"
~63
Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear
on? A: Yellow in the front, Brown in the back!
~64
Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland? A: Toilet paper hanging on
the clotheslines.
~65
Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the international science
convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their
scientific achievements and plans. The scientists listened to the United
States describe how they were another step closer to a cure for cancer, and
the Russians were preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was
inventing a car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Polish scientists'
turn to speak. "Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun."
This, of course was met with much ridicule. They were asked how they
planned to deal with the sun's extreme heat. "Simple, we're going at
night!"
~66
Q: Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not
be used? A: No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.
~67
The Polish were entrenched on the front opposite the Germans during one of
the battles of WWII. As hard as they tried, the Germans couldn't hit any of
the Polish soldiers because they kept low in the ditches. Finally one of
the Germans hit upon an idea. "Hey Krachevski, is that you?" he yelled at
the Polish trench. Krachevski stood up in his trench and said, "Yeah, it's
me!" and was immediately shot by the Germans. The Polish soldiers pondered
this over and decided that it was a good idea. "Is that you, Wilhelm?" one
of the Polish soldiers yelled to the German trench. "Yeah, it's me
Markowski," replied one of the German soldiers. "Why don't you come over
here?" "OK, I'm coming...." Bang!
~68
Polish executive sexually harassing his secretary: "Either I'm going to
masturbate in my office right now or you're going to lose your job."
~69
Q: Why do Polish names end in "ski" ? A: Because they can't spell toboggan.
~70
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who married an Amish woman? A: He drove her
buggy.
~71
Q: Did you hear about the new automatic Polish parachutes? A: They open on
impact.
~72
There was once a Polak who was extremely sad with life because people
always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat back
and thought about it. Suddenly he thought - "I have never seen anyone
making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no
one will be able to make out that I am Polish and make fun of me." He went
into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, he walked
confidently into a shop and said, "I am a very hungry. Give me some
pepperoni and zucchini." Immediately, the man behind the counter said "Are
you a Polak?" This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The man
behind the counter said, "Are you a Polak or not?" This man was finally
very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability and so he
admitted to the fact after which he asked, "But how did you know?" The
shopkeeper replied, "This is a hardware store!"
~73
Q: Did you see the polish submarine with a screen door? A: Dont laugh, it
keeps the fish out.
~74
Q: Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash? A: The pilot got cold,
so he turned off the fan.
~75
Q: Did you know that Poland just bought 10,000 Septic Tanks? A: As soon as
they learn how to drive 'em, they are going to invade Russia.
~76
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill
him? A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".
~77
A group of Italians (or whatever) and a group of Poles heard that the
telephone company was looking for people so they went and applied. The
telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring anyone so they
sent the teams out to install telephone poles. At the end of the day they
reported back on how they had done. The Italian team had installed 10
telephone poles and the Polish team one. The Italians were hired but the
Polish team protested that the Italians had cheated because the Italians
left most of the poles sticking out of the ground.
~78
Q: Why do Polish hate Cauchy's dog? (hint on Cauchy-Riemann theorem) A:
Because it leaves residues at each Pole.
~79
Q: What's the motto of the Polish Solidarity Union? A: Every man for
himself.
~80
There's a toll free number you can call that's a recording of a Polish
joke. There's a different joke every day. Just dial 1-800-POLISH-Q.
~81
THE OFFICIAL POLISH SEX QUIZ
Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most
correct (True or False) and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name)
under the appropriate heading on the right side.
TRUE FALSE 1. A clitoris is a type of flower. |______|______| 2. Pubic hair
is a wild rabbit. |______|______| 3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.
|______|______| 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart
trouble.|______|______| 5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels.
|______|______| 6. A G-string is part of a violin. |______|______| 7. Semen
is another word for "sailor". |______|______| 8. Anus is the Latin word for
"yearly". |______|______| 9. Testicles are found on an octopus.
|______|______| 10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. |______|______| 11.
Masturbate is used to catch large fish. |______|______| 12. KOTEX is a
radio station in Bryan, Texas. |______|______| 13. Coitus is a musical
instrument. |______|______| 14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke".
|______|______| 15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
|______|______| 16. A condom is an apartment complex. |______|______| 17.
An organism is the person who accompanies the choir | | | in church.
|______|______| 18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. |______|______|
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. |______|______| 20. An erection
is when the Japanese vote for their new | | | government officials.
|______|______| 21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
|______|______| 22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.
|______|______| 23. Pornography is the business of making record albums.
|______|______| 24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
|______|______| 25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve" |______|______|
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. |______|______| 27. Ovaries
are a French egg dish made with cheese. |______|______|
~82
Following the assault of a young woman, the police rounded up the usual
suspects for a lineup; suddenly, the Polish suspect stepped forward and
screamed "That's her!!"
~83
WARSAW, Poland (AP) -- A man who wanted to practice shooting was
hospitalized Monday after his dog shot him. The unidentified man left his
gun unattended in the yard of his summer house to prepare a target when his
dog accidentally pulled the trigger while sniffing around, the PAP news
agency reported. Surgeons removed five dozen pellets from the man's body,
but his wounds were not considered life-threatening. The incident occurred
in the northern town of Bytow.
~84
Q: How do you get a Polak out of the bath tub? A: Throw in a bar of soap.
~85
Q: What's delaying the Polish space program? A: Development of a working
match.
~86
These two Polaks are building a house. One of them is putting on the
siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it
away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away.
This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him
why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were
pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot,
those are for the other side of the house!"
~87
Three men were all applying for the same job as a detective. One was
Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Rather than ask the standard
questions during the interview, the chief decided to ask each applicant
just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish
man arrived for his interview, the chief asked, "Who killed Jesus Christ?"
The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The
chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his
interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed
by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. When the
Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked the exact same question.
He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think
about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the
Polish man arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?" He
replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder!"
~88
Q: What are the two biggest Polish lies? A: The check's in your mouth, and
I won't come in the mail.
~89
Polish knock-knock joke:
First Pole: Knock-Knock! Second Pole: Come in!
~90
I had a friend that was a very good Polish joke teler and we were at a
local tavern on day and having a few beers.....he began telling Polish
jokes. The guy next to us was listening for quite some time, when he
finally came over to out table and said..."I am polish and I can take a
Polish joke as well as the next Polok but your continued bashing of my race
is getting a little old. Could you please change the subject? We did.
Shortly thereafter.....my friend had to to to the bathroom and the burley
Polok got up and followed him into the bathroom. They were in there for
QUITE A WHILE and when they FINALLY came out, I asked my friend what "What
happened in there?" He said "Well, you saw him follow me into the
can.......Well he pulled a RAZOR ON ME! Really scared the hell out of me!
And boy oh boy would I have ever been in a pickle if he had fould a place
to PLUG IT IN! :-)
~91
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a
drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So
the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so
on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another
guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man
responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the superbowl, dirt
bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A
third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him,
"What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are
things in Poland these days?"
~92
Guy walks into a bar, sits downs and starts to make conversation with guy
at next table. "Want to hear the worlds's worst Polish Joke?" #2 says
"Sure, but before you tell it, let me tell you something. See those two
bikers over there by the door-real mean motherfuckers-??? They're Polish.
And those two bouncers by the bar? They're Polish too! The Bartender??
Polish!! And one more thing pal, I'm Polish too!!! Now..... still want to
tell that joke?" "Hell no!", replies #1, "I don't want to have to explain
it 6 times!"
~93
I heard they closed the zoo in Warsaw. The duck died.
~94
Q: Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car? A: He
had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.
~95
Q: Why do Polish dogs have flat noses? A: From chasing parked cars.
~96
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the bartender
slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's
a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since I arrived from the
old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it." To which the
first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you
another!" As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part
of the old country are you from?" "Krakow," replies the other. "This is
weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back
in Krakow?' "Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I
graduated from Lech Walesa Technical Academy in '81." "This is eerie,"
replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot." But the
bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call." The bartender
calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she
inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Liszjewski twins
are here again."
~97
Q: What do you get when you cross a 1-legged Polak with a Mongoloid? A: A
Polaroid One-Step.
~98
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who studied for 5 days? A: He was scheduled
to take a urine test.
~99
Q: How do you confuse a Polak? A: Put him in a round room and tell him to
piss in the corner.
~100
Q: How do you keep a Polak in suspense?
~101
Pawel Z. Chadzynski (p...@cadence.com)
~102
Q: What happens when a Polak doesn't pay his garbage bill? A: They stop
delivering.
~103
Q: How do Polaks form a car pool? A: They meet at work.
~104
Q: How do you ruin a Polish party? A: Flush the punch bowl.
~105
Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A:
A new last name.
~106
Q: What happened to the Polish National Library? A: Someone stole the book.
~107
After WWII, two Poles returned to their destroyed village to locate the
first one's wife. Going through the rubble, Victor came across a
dismembered arm and called over, "Hey, Stanley, wasn't this Anya's arm? I
think this is the wristwatch you gave her." "I dunno, Victor," said
Stanley, and they continued the search. A little while later, Victor came
across a severed leg. "Stanley, couldn't this be part of Anya? She had
great legs." Stanley shrugged and they walked on. Finally the energetic
Victor came across a woman's head, which he held out at arm's length for
his friend's inspection. "Nope," said Stanley at last. "Anya was a lot
taller."
~108
A Polak was jumped by two muggers and fought like hell, but was finally
subdued. His attackers then proceeded to go through his pockets. "You mean
you fought like that for 57 cents?" asked one of the muggers incredulously.
"Is that all you wanted?" moaned the Pole. "I thought you were after the
$400 in my shoe!"
~109
Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children? A: They'd read
in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today
is Chinese.
~110
Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter announced that she was
pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's yours?"
~111
Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day off the boat in New York
City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in
America?" one asked the other. "I dunno." "Well, we're going to live here,
so we might as well learn to do as they do." So they each bought a hot dog
wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench.
One Pole looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other Pole and
asked, "What part did you get?"
~112
Two Polaks are walking down opposite sides of a river when they notice each
other. One invites the other one over. "I can't swim", he replies. "Why
don't you come over here?" The other guy says, "I can't swim, either. What
are we gonna do?" First guy says, "Wait! I got a flashlight. I'll turn it
on, and you walk across the beam to this side." The second guy replies, "No
way! I'll get half-way across, and you'll turn the flashlight off!"
~113
Kowalski and Lisjewski are hard at work cleaning out the sewer on a
sweltering day in July, beneath the streets of the Bronx. Kowalski says, "I
really hate this crummy smelly job shovellin' shit!" Lisjewski says, "Yuh!
Me too, I hate it." K says, "How come you and me is down here underground
shovellin' shit and breakin' our backs, when Rafaelli is up there sittin'
in the truck with the air-conditioner on, smokin' cigarettes and readin'
the newspaper? That's what I'd like to know!" L says, "Yuh! How come
izzat?" K says, "You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going up there and I'm
gonna say that to Rafaelli just like I said it to you, and then we'll see
what he's got to say." L says, "Yuh, go up there and ask 'im what you
said." So K brushes the scuzz off his pants, and climbs up the ladder to
the street and goes over to the truck, and motions Rafaelli to come out. R
says, "Whattayou want, Kowalski? And hurry up, it's hot out here." K says,
"Well, I just wanna know one thing, Rafaelli. Howcum me 'n' Lisjewski is
down there underground shovellin' shit, and yer up here in the
air-conditionin', smokin' cigarettes all day? How come?" R smiles and says,
"Is that all you wanted to know? That's real easy, Kowalski." He holds his
hand out in front of the heavy iron truck bed and says, "OK, Kowalski, hit
my hand real hard." K unloads a huge haymaker and, of course, R pulls his
hand away quickly. K smashes his fist against the truck. OK, Kowalski,"
says R, "*That's* the reason why I get to stay up here in the truck, and
you and L gotta shovel shit in the sewer. Do you get it now?" K nods and
returns to the ladder, rubbing his hand. When he gets back down into the
tunnel, L is waiting for him - "What'd he say, Kowalski? How come izzit
that Rafaelli gets to sit up there in the truck, and we gotta come down
here and shovel shit?" K says, "I don't know if you're gonna be able to
understand this but I'll try to explain it just like Rafaelli told me.
Now... hit my hand real hard..." and Kowalski holds his hand up in front of
his face....
~114
Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Polak, are scheduled to be
executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in
front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the
American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing
squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes.
Next up is the Polak. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"
~115
An Italian, an American, and a Polak were captured by the French for
various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine. The executioner places the
Italian on the block and asks if he has any last words. The Italian
replies, "I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may live." They drop the blade
it it stops a mere inch above the Italian's neck. Amazed, the French let
him go. Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any final
words. He replies, "In the name of Jesus Christ, please have mercy." They
drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the American's neck.
In disbelief, they let him go free. Then the Polak is placed on the block,
and they ask if he has any last words. He says, "Yeah. You've got a knot in
your rope."
~116
A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road. On the first day he paints
ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted
just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.
Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was. The Polak replies, "Well
sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint
bucket."
~117
There are three construction workers on top of a building having lunch. One
Italian, one Polak, and one Oriental. The Italian has a meatball hero, the
Oriental has noodles, and the Polak has knackwurst. The Italian and the
Oriental are tired of having the same lunches everyday. The Italian says
that if he gets a meatball hero the next day that he will throw it off the
building. The Oriental says that if he gets noodles tomorrow he will also
throw it off the building. The Polak says that if he gets knackwurst
tomorrow he will throw it off the building. Sure enough the Italian and
Oriental workers open their lunch-boxes and they find that they have a
meatball hero and noodles respectively. They both throw their lunches off
the building. The Polak them throws his sandwich off the building. The
other guys ask him how he knew that it was knackwurst again without even
looking. He responded by saying, "Because I pack my own lunch."
~118
A Polak is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He
goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells
him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot
of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw
will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." So the Polak takes
the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for
several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks
there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and
only cut two cords?", the Polak asks himself. "I will begin first thing in
the morning and cut all day", the Polak tells himself. So, the next morning
the Polak gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till
nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords. The Polak is convinced
this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of
wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer", the
Polak says to himself. The very next day the Polak brings the saw back to
the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Polak's
claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Huh, it looks
fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Polak responds,
"What's that noise?"
~119
A Polak, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where
to go for a drink. The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every
third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness." The
Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third
round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table." The Polak said "That
sounds fine but if we go to Kowalski's we drink for free all night and then
go out into the parking lot and get laid." "That sounds to good to be
true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?" "No," the
Polak replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."
~120
Q: What's the greatest problem facing Poland? A: The four-ten split. (hint:
four-ten is when these bowling pins remain standing)
~121
Q: Why did the Polak sell his water skis? A: He couldn't find a lake with a
hill in it.
~122
Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there? A: He's the
one with a duck.
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there? A: He bet on the duck.
Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there? A: The duck wins.
~123
Knock, Knock? Who's there? Polish burglar.
~124
Polish condom, has air holes.
~125
Q: Why did the Polak put ice in his condom? A: To keep the swelling down.
~126
Q: What does a polish girl do after she sucks cock? A: Spits out the
feathers.
~127
Q: How many polaks does it take to kidnap a child? A: 12. One to kidnap the
child and the remaining 11 to write a ransom letter.
~128
Q: A Polish soldier was confronted by a charging German soldier and a
charging Russian soldier. Which did he shoot first, and why? A: He shot the
German first--business before pleasure.
~129
POLISH MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN
artery the study of fine painting barium what you do when the patient dies
benign what you are after you are eight caesarian section a district in
Rome colic a sheep dog congenital friendly dilate to live long fester
quicker G.I. series baseball game between soldiers hangnail coat hook
medical staff a doctors cane minor operation coal digger morbid a higher
offer nitrate lower than the day rate node was aware of organic church
musician out-patient a person who has fainted post-operative a letter
carrier protein in favor of young people secretion hiding anything serology
study of English knighthood tablet a small table tumor an extra pair urine
opposite of your out varicose veins veins very close together
~130
Two Poles, Markowski and Krachevski go to France on a pleasure trip. They
meet this Frenchman called Jean Paul and become good pals. Jean Paul finds
these two Poles some- what amusing and so he goes all out to make them
happy. He treats them at pubs, bars, discotheques.... This goes on for a
while until one fine day Jean Paul does not turn up. The Poles assume that
some important work would have held him up and do not take a serious note
of it. But, perhaps something was serious as Jean Paul does not turn up for
next five days at a stretch. At this the Poles get alarmed and go to the
police station to lodge a report. The inspector asks them to give details
of the person who's missing. The following conversation follows:
Markowski: Well, his name is Jean Paul.
Inspector: It's a very common name in France. Something more please.
Krachevski: Well, he is very tall.
Inspector: Most of the people in France are tall. Big deal.
Markowski: Well, he's got blue eyes.
Inspector: Oh! no. Something more substantial.
Krachevski: I got it. This is slightly uncommon. I'm sure now you shall be
able to track him. You see, He's got two holes in his ass.
Inspector: (shocked): Well, well, that's curious. Are you sure?
Krachevski: Ya! Ya!
Inspector: Are you definitely sure that this very personal info you have is
CORRECT?
Krachevski: Most certainly.
Inspector (still skeptical): But how're you so sure?
Krachevski: Simple. Whenever we used to go with him to the bar, everyone
used to greet him as "Here comes Jean Paul with two ass-holes."
~130 (alt)
For five years, two Poles and an Italian have worked side by side every day
as window washers, and every night after work they stopped for a drink. One
day, disaster struck, and the Italian fell to his death. The police came to
the site and began asking questions. "Where does he live?" The Poles
shrugged their shoulders. "Is he married?" The Poles didn't know. "What is
his NAME?" The Poles shrugged again. "You worked with this guy for five
years and you don't know anything about him?" the cop asked. "I know
something about him," one Polak volunteered. "He has two assholes." "What
are you talking about?" said the cop. "Well," said the Polak, "Whenever we
go for a drink after work the bartended says, 'Here comes the dago with the
two assholes.'"
~131
Two Polish hunters were out looking for pheasant when they came upon the
local farmer's daughter, sitting naked on a fence, sunning herself. The
first hunter asked, "Are you game?" She replied, "I sure am, Honey!" The
second hunter shot her.
~132
Did you hear about the Polish girl who tried to trade her menstrual cycle
in on a Honda?
~133
A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polak and says, "I was looking in your
bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah,
nyah, nyah." The Polak answers, "The joke's on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah,
nyah--I wasn't even home last night."
~134
Happened some time ago when late Leonid Brezhnev was still in charge in
Russia and the good old communist party ruled in Poland. Brezhnev was
coming to an official visit and the Polish Central Committee was planning
the celebrations. Says one: "There are no major works of art in our
collections that would show Lenin visiting Poland. We could order a
painting from one of our contemporary artists, in real socialistic realism
style and all, and unveil it as a highlight of our formal dinner with
Brezhnev." Everybody is cheering. What a wonderful idea! Until the young
colonel Jaruzelski, Committee member and expert in political history, makes
a disappointing remark: "Unfortunately, comrades, I must tell you that
during his most celebrated and honourable life, Lenin never visited
Poland." Fierce discussion follows. Art must tell the truth, that's agreed
upon, so the artist must not lie to the people by painting a fictitious
situation. Finally, a young and promising painter is brought in front of
the committee, and he surprises everybody by promising that he can make a
painting from the subject "Lenin in Poland" with nothing fictitious in it.
The great day arrives and Brezhnev's visit is a success. In the evening,
the big formal dinner is held at the Cultural Palace of Warsaw. The huge,
veiled painting hangs on the wall opposite Brezhnev and Chairman Gierek.
Bottles of champagne are prepared, trumpets play a short and jubilous
signal, and the silk-thin veil is dropped to the floor with a roar of
applause...which suddenly dies into a nasty silence. Some hasty whispers,
and the poor artist is most promptly brought in front of chairman Gierek,
who asks "My comrade, you were given the subject 'Lenin in Poland.' Could
you explain, who is that young lady in your painting who lies naked on the
pillows?" "Comrade chairman, she is Anna Fjeodorovna, Lenin's wife." "Oh
yes... but who is that greedy-looking bearded fellow who is kissing her
navel?" "He is Prince Jusupof, the famous Russian Don-Juan from the
beginning of the century." "But.. BUT WHERE IS LENIN?" "Comrade Chairman,
Lenin is in Poland."
~135
A Polak was moving some furniture from Krakow to Warsaw on a horse-drawn
carriage. The road was long, and the man was alone. A few days in the trip
he begins to think of women, and so he became horny. With nothing to
satisfy his manly needs, he decided to do it with the horse. Knowing that
the horse's rear end is quite high, the Polak looks for a stool among the
furniture. He finds one, brings it down, places it behind the horse, stands
on it and is ready to perform the act when the horse moves one step
forward. The Polak, frustrated, gets down from the stool, picks it up,
places it again behind the horse, gets up on it and tries to do it when the
horse moves one more step forward. Being very determined, the Polak repeats
the process, and again the horse moves one step forward. Step by step, the
ordeal lasts for a couple of miles when suddenly the Polak spots a woman
being attacked by a band of robbers. Being strong and armed himself, he
saves the woman's life. The woman then tells him that she would be willing
to do ANYTHING for him because he saved her life. He asks her to hold the
horse.
~136
Q: What does it say on the bottom of a Coke bottle in Poland? A: Open other
end.
~137
Did you know that, on the top of all Polish ladders, they have a STOP sign?
~138
Q: Why do the Pope's slippers have "T.G.I.F." on them? A: It means "Toes go
in first."
~139
An Englishman, a Texan and a Polak are lost in the Nevada desert. After
days without water or food they come upon a lamp half buried in the sand.
They rub the lamp and out comes a genie. Since they all rubbed the lamp the
genie grants each one a single wish. The Texan goes first and wishes to be
transported back to his house where his pool was filled with beautiful
women. The claps his hands and the Texan vanishes in a flash of light. The
Englisman wishes to be transported back to his house where he knows his
wife will be eagerly awaiting him. Once again the Genie claps his hands and
the Englishman vanishes. The Polak sits down and thinks about what he
should wish for. Suddenly realizing he is all alone in the desert, he
promptly wishes that the Texan and the Englishman were back.
~140
This Polish guy gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn't know what
to do. He's fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed up
and says, "Al, you big dummy! You're supposed to take that thing you play
with and put it where I pee!" So he got his bowling bowl and put it in the
sink.
~141
Two Polaks are riding across Europe on a 727, a 3-engined plane, when the
pilot announces, "Folks, we just had one engine go out, but don't worry,
this plane can fly just fine on two engines, but we're going to be about 1
hour late getting into Warsaw." An hour later, the pilot gets on the
intercom again, "Folks, don't get alarmed, but a second engine just went
out, but please don't worry. This plane is designed to fly safely on one
engine, but now we'll be about 2 hours late getting into Warsaw." After
that announcement, one Polak looks at the other and says, "Well, I sure
hope that third engine doesn't go out. We'll be up here all night."
~142
Did you hear about the Pole who headr on the radio that 90 percent of all
accidents happen within a 10-mile radius of the home? He moved.
~143
Q: How do you break a Pole's finger? A: Hit him on the nose.
~144
Q: What's the smallest room in the world? A: The Polish Hall of Fame.
~145
Q: Did you hear about the Pole who lost $50 on the football game? A: $25 on
the game and $25 on the instant replay.
~146
Q: Why are there no ice cubes in Poland? A: They lost the recipe.
~147
Q: Why don't Polish women breast-feed their babies? A: It hurts too much
when they boil the nipples.
~148
Q: Why do Polish men make lousy lovers? A: Because they always wait for the
swelling to go down.
~149
Q: What do you call a Pole with 1500 girl friends? A: A shepherd.
~150
In America, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your children are?"
In England, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your wife is?" In
France, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your husband is?" In
Poland, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know what time it is?"
~151
You may recall that Polish jokes and Italian jokes used to run about equal
numbers, but lately polish jokes predominate. This is because both sides
grew tired of being denigrated and decided to have a game of football to
see who should get all the jokes - loser to take on the jokes. The game was
held, and was hard-fought. But it was a scoreless tie, so they went into
sudden-death overtime. After about 5 minutes, a train passing nearby blew
its whistle. The Poles thought that was the end of the game and left the
field. Three plays later, the Italians scored and won, thus making the
Poles take the jokes.
~152
Q: Where does a Polak hide his money? A: Under the Soap.
~153
Q: Did you hear about the Polish airliner that crashed? A: It ran out of
coal.
~154
Q: How are a hockey goalie and a Polish woman alike? A: They both change
their pads after 3 periods.
~155
Q: Why did the two Poles get married in a bathtub? A: They wanted a double
ring ceremony.
~156
Q: Why do Polaks bury their dead with their asses in the air? A: So they
have a place to park their bikes.
~157
Q: Why aren't there any suicides in Poland? A: You can't kill yourself
jumping out of a basement window.
~158
Q: How did the Polak break his arm while raking leaves? A: He fell out of
the tree.
~159
Q: Why couldn't the Polak go water-skiing? / A: He couldn't find a lake
like this: / / ~160
Q: What does it say above the urinals in Poland? A: Please do not eat the
little white mints!
~161
Q: How do you recognize the bride at a Polish wedding? A: She's the one
with the braided armpits.
~162
Q: What do you call a pool full of Polish beauty queens? A: Bay of Pigs.
~163
Q: Why the Polish workers only get 10 minutes for lunch? A: Longer than
that and it takes too long to retrain them.
~164
Q: What do you end up with when three Poles get together? A: Two newspapers
and three political parties.
~165
Q: How could Poland turn the Sahara into fertile land? A: Set up a 5-year
plan for the production of sand in North Africa. At the end of that time
the Arabs would be importing the stuff.
~166
Did you hear the one about the Polish terrorist who burned his lips on the
tailpipe of bus he was told to blow up?
~167
There was a white guy, a black guy, and a Polak driving down the road and
their car broke down. They walked to the nearest house and knocked on the
door. They asked the farmer if they could stay in his barn for the night
because their car broke down and it was getting late. The farmer agreed and
led them to the barn. The barn had two hay lofts in it. The black guy slept
in the top loft, the white guy slept in the middle loft, and the Polak
slept on the floor. The black guy woke up in the middle of the night
because he had to take a dump. He didn't want to crawl down because he was
afraid he would wake up his friends. So instead he crapped in his pillow
case and threw it down to the floor. The next morning, the farmer came in
and asked them if they had slept well. The black guy said, "Yeah, I slept
pretty good." The white guy said, "I slept pretty good too." The Polak
said, "I slept allright, but I woke up in the middle of the night and saw a
ghost. Oh, but don't worry--I beat the shit out of it."
~168
A Polak walked into a bar with a handful of shit and said, "Hey, look what
I almost stepped in!"
~169
Q: How does a Polak perform sex "doggie style"? A: With a bone in his
mouth.
~170
Q: Why did the Polak stand on a toilet? A: He wanted to be high on pot.
~171
Q: Why did the Polish spy bug the enemy's toilet? A: So he could monitor
every movement.
~172
A Polak walked into the neighborhood bar and a neighbor called "Hey,
Karlinski, you idiot! You gotta pull down the shades when you're humping
your old lady... I could see everything last night!" Karlinski got a big
grin on his face. "The joke's on you Kearny. I wasn't even home last
night!"
~173
Letter from a Polish mother to her son, Ignace:
WARSZAWA, POLAND FEBRUARY 30, 1994
MY DEAREST SON IGNACE,
JUST A FEW LINES TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I AM STILL ALIVE. EXCUSE ME FOR
TYPING THIS LETTER BUT YOU KNOW THAT I CANNOT READ OR WRITE. ALSO I AM
TYPING SLOW BECAUSE I KNOW YOU CAN NOT READ FAST. I AM USING A VERY OLD
TYPEWRITER THAT DOES NOT HAVE ANY LOWER CASE LETTERS, you know, the ones
that look like these.
THEY SAY THAT NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS SO HERE IS NO NEWS. YOU WON'T KNOW THE
HOUSE WHEN YOU COME HOME BECAUSE WE HAVE MOVED. I CAN NOT SEND YOU THE NEW
ADDRESS BECAUSE THE LAST POLISH FAMILY WHO LIVED HERE TOOK THE NUMBERS WITH
THEM SO THEY WOULD NOT HAVE TO CHANGE THEIR ADDRESS.
YOUR FATHER HAS A LOVELY NEW JOB. HE HAS FIVE HUNDRED PEOPLE UNDER HIM. HE
IS CUTTING THE GRASS AT THE CEMETERY. THE NEW HOUSE HAS A WASHING MACHINE
BUT IT IS NOT WORKING TOO GOOD, LAST WEEK, I PUT IN 14 SHIRTS, PULLED THE
CHAIN AND I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE. THIS MORNING YOUR SISTER HAD A BABY
BUT THEY DID NOT SAY IF IT IS A BOY OR GIRL SO I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU ARE AN
UNCLE OR AN AUNT. I LEFT AN EMPTY CARTON OF MILK IN THE ICEBOX BECAUSE I
KNOW YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE BLACK WHEN YOU COME HOME.
YOUR AUNT CHRISTINE GAVE UP BIRTH CONTROL PILLS WHEN YOUR UNCLE JOHN BOUGHT
A CONDOMINIUM. YOUR FATHER DID NOT HAVE MUCH TO DRINK ON CHRISTMAS. I PUT A
BOTTLE OF CASTOR OIL IN HIS BEER WHICH KEPT HIM GOING UNTIL NEW YEAR'S DAY.
I WENT TO THE DOCTOR ON THURSDAY AND YOUR FATHER WENT WITH ME. THE DOCTOR
PUT A SMALL GLASS TUBE IN MY MOUTH AND SAID NOT TO OPEN MY MOUTH FOR 12
MINUTES. YOUR FATHER OFFERED TO BUY THE GLASS TUBE FROM HIM.
NOW FOR THE BAD NO NEWS. YOUR UNCLE DICK DROWNED LAST WEEK IN A VAT OF
WHISKEY AT THE WHISKEY FACTORY. SOME OF HIS FELLOW WORKERS DIVED IN TO SAVE
HIM BUT HE FOUGHT THEM OFF BRAVELY. WE HAD THE BODY CREMATED AND IT TOOK
THREE DAYS TO PUT OUT THE FIRE.
IT RAINED ONLY TWICE LAST WEEK, ONCE FOR THREE DAYS AND ONCE FOR FOUR DAYS.
MONDAY THE WIND WAS SO BAD THAT ONE CHICKEN LAID THE SAME EGG FOUR TIMES.
ALSO WE DON'T HAVE ANY ICE HERE ANYMORE BECAUSE THE LADY WITH THE RECIPE
MOVED. WE RECEIVED A LETTER FROM THE UNDERTAKER. HE SAID IF THE LAST
INSTALLMENT WAS NOT PAID ON YOUR GRANDMOTHER UP SHE COMES. REMEMBER YOUR
FRIEND TOM? WELL, HE IS NO LONGER IN THIS WORLD. HIS FATHER DIED AND WANTED
TO BE BURIED AT SEA AND POOR TOM DROWNED DIGGING THE GRAVE.
YOUR LOVING MOTHER,
P.S. I WAS GOING TO SEND YOU SOME MONEY BUT I ALREADY SEALED THE ENVELOPE.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ADDED JAN. 23/98
~174
If there were 20 motorcycles in a street, how would you know if one of the
riders were Polish?
A. The one with training wheels!
~175
What do you call a Polish Flower?
A. A Blooming Idiot!
shesa
Kryzowscky goes to the bar for a drink. The bartender says:
- Hey, Kryzowscky! You've been drinking here about two years now
and I still don't know your first name???
Kryzowscky stays quiet.
- Didn't you hear what I asked??? What's your first name???
He still doesn't answer....
- KRYZOWSCKY!!!! Whats your first name??? Do you even have one???
Kryzowscky starts to think really hard...he thinks and thinks......
Suddenly a big smile in his face he starts to hum :
- Hmm-hy-hymm-hmm-hym-hymm...hymm-hy-hymm-hmm-hym-hymm-
hym-hy-hymm-hymm-....dear Stanisla-aw...