FAQ: Jerky Boys!
Matthew M Maletestinic
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerky Boys FAQ
Last Updated: February 22, 1995
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks to Evan Sinar (esi...@pomona.claremont.edu) for the original FAQ.
Updated by Matt Maletestinic (mm...@andrew.cmu.edu)
Send FAQ requests, comments, updates or corrections to: (mm...@andrew.cmu.edu).
Contents
1.1 Who are the Jerky Boys?
1.2 How do I join the fan club?
1.3 How can I get merchandise?
2.1 Album Releases
2.2 Soundtrack
2.3 Movie
2.4 Book
3.1 "Rizzo Report" Sampler
3.2 Bootlegs/Pranks
1.1 Who are the Jerky Boys?
The 'Jerky Boys' are John Brennan, 31 and Kamal, 27, both from Queens,
New York. They began taping their prank phone calls in 1987. Brennan
specializes in replying to classified ads and aggressively applying
for jobs while Kamal uses a heavy accent to pass as an idiotic
immigrant.
1.2 How do I join the fan club?
Send for information to:
The Jerky Boys Fan Club
P.O. Box 182 Planetarium Station
New York, NY 10024
The initial information is free. To join the club, send $10.00, check
or money order, made payable to THE JERKY BOYS FAN CLUB. It'll take
about 4-6 weeks to process. What you get is four issues of "The Rizzo
Report", which features the group's activities, merchandise offerings
and other exciting news.
1.3 How can I get merchandise?
To order merchandise (which currently consists of t-shirts and baseball
hats), write to:
The Jerky Boys c/o Select Records
16 West 22nd Street
New York, NY 10010
They accept personal checks, money orders and credit cards (Mastercard
and Visa).
There is also a Jerky Boys Phone Card, which can be used to either call
long distance (20 minutes) anywhere in the U.S. or hear uncensored,
never before heard Jerky Boys messages (20 minutes). They can be
recharged at a rate of 29 cents per minute for 100 minutes or 33 cents
per minute for 30 minutes. To order by phone (w/credit card), call:
1-800-298-6640 To order by check,money order, or credit card, write:
The Jerky Boys
P.O. Box 411
Roslyn, NY 11576
2.1 Album Releases
The Jerky Boys (C) 1993 Select Records 2-61495
Irate Tile Man Unemployed Painter
Laser Surgery Insulator Job
Egyptian Magician Sol's Glasses
Car Salesman Sushi Chef
Super Across the Way The Gay Model
The Home Wrecker Auto Mechanic
Dental Malpractice Starter Motor Repair
Hurt at Work Hot Rod Mover
Firecracker Mishap Punitive Damages
Piano Tuner Gay Hard Hat
Uncle Freddie
The Jerky Boys 2 (C) 1994 Select Records 2-92411
Pablo Honey Drinking Problem
Pet Cobra Sol's Warts
Breast Enlargement Roofing
Gay Hairdresser Volunteer
Terrorist Pizza Pico's Mexican Hairpiece
A Little Emergency Sparky the Clown
Security Service Sol's Nude Beach
Diamond Dealer Sol's Naked Photo
The Mattress King Ball Game Beating
Sporting Goods Scaffolding
Sex Therapy Sol's Phobia
Cremation Services Pizza Lawyer
Fava Beans Husband Beating
2.2 Soundtrack
The Jerky Boys - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
(C) 1995 Atlantic/Select Records 82708-2
Released January 25th, 1995
Accordions and Keyboards Johnny Brennan of the Jerky Boys
Gel Collective Soul
2000 Light Years Away Green Day
Dial a Jam Coolio & the 40 Thevz
Shallow End Superchunk
Four Fly Guys Hurricane (featuring Beastie Boys)
Are You Gonna Go My Way Tom Jones
Hangin' on the Telephone L7
Beef Jerky House of Pain
Dirty Dancing Wu-Tang Clan (w/Old Dirty Bastard)
*(You Got Me) Sick as a Dog The Jerky Boys
*Bonus Track
2.3 Movie
The Jerky Boys - The Movie (C) Touchstone Pictures
Rated "R" Starring Johnny Brennan, Kamal and Alan Arkin
Executive Producers: Tony Danza and Emilio Estevez
Opened February 3rd, 1995. The MPAA rated this flick at 1 1/2 stars,
but Jerky Boys fans around the world will recognize this as a truly
great movie, up there with Strange Brew and Fletch. It also stars and
features appearances by Tom Jones, Ozzy Osbourne and the band Helmet.
The Rizzo Report quotes it as "You've never seen a movie like this
before. It's a funny little sweet crazy kinda thing."
2.4 Book
From the "Rizzo Report": "Check out the new book! You'll have the
chance to meet many of the JB's characters right at home in JerkyTown -
up close and personal. It will be out by the end of January."
3.1 Rizzo Report Sampler
"Welcome to the premier issue of "The RIZZO REPORT." There's an
army of you out there and we want to keep each and everyone of you
completely informed as to what's going on. And there's a lot
happening!! So, come aboard for the wacky journey - See how to join
inside! And...as always...keep on writing and sending in your
suggestions. We love it, rubbaneck!"
Hello to our fans...
What's up there you sweet little nutty asses? First thing I want to
say to you silly little freaks is I love you so much I wanna choke the
shit out of you. You're the best!! I break my ass all my life working
on racecars and what do I get for it? Shit! But....maybe that's O.K.
because that's what started this whole thing. A few years back I had a
little problem with my fucking boss. He said some shit that didn't sit
right with me so I beat his fucking ass all over the garage - up, down
and fucking sideways. I threw him a beating he'll never forget. Always
trying to tell me what to do. Who the hell does he think he is anyway?
Needless to say, I was fired. Oh man, I tell you I could have choked
the fucker.
Now you see how it all fits together. The auto mechanic.....need I
say more? You put the pieces together yet? That's right there, tough
guy, you got it! That was the first call I ever made. I was trying to
get myself another job but it didn't go so fucking well. So I keep
plugging along and swinging at the fences, and it's like I say....you
get in my way I'll roll right the fuck over you. I want to tell you
fuckers out there. That's what it's all about. You don't have to take
shit from any punk bastard. If anyone tries to fuck with you in any
way, you knock their fucking dick stiff. That goes for your boss,
anyone at the D.M.V., anyone at the I.R.S., any silly little fucking
bill collectors......anybody!! If you're a little shy or just a plain
pussy, you send your little problem my way and I'll straighten them
right the fuck out in a pair of quick seconds. They'll be choking on
their own swollen fucking lips for a month. You know where I'm at, so
don't be a stranger. You want me to straighten some shit out for you?
You just let me know. If I can't take care of it myself, I'll
personally give you the instructions on just how the fuck you can
straighten shit out over there. Remember...some will lead and some will
follow. Always step to the front, take charge, and show everybody just
how the fuck it's done. Cause there ain't nobody like you!!! Always
remember.....You're the best!!
To all of you, Thanks!
Frank Rizzo
Hello, my friends! Tarbash is very happy to greet you. I love you
all. OOHHH my teeth! They hurt a little. Anyway, like I was saying,
you very good, nice people and.....argghh.....too much pain, too much
pain. You people treat me nice always. My pet cobra and mountain cat
are not here. I cannot talk, I cannot eat.......this man curse into the
crowd and....
arrrragh...........ooohhhhh.....arrrrrrgghh..........my pants
unbuttoned. No wonder why I'm crying.......my pee pee got stuck in
zipper. Thank you my friend. Arrrgghhh.....see you.
Thanks for everything!
Tarbash
3.2 Bootlegs/Pranks
For years, bootlegs of the pranks have been circulated across the
country by teenagers and college students and other fans. Many have
been released on the two compilations above, (along with pranks by Mark
Knopfer and a call to a Kutztown, Pa. drug clinic) but others still have
yet to be heard by most. Here are a few:
Bilingual - JB tries to get a job as a bilingual. "I'm talking to you
now, asshole, why I gotta call back tomorrow?"
Porter's Job - JB looks for a job as a porter in Jamaica. "What's your
name, Jerky? What, are you hard of hearing?"
Florist - JB applies as Joseph Redding for a floral design job. "I've
experience in special phallic symbols and what not...you know, for these
weird young college kids."
Sewer Rooter - JB calls a Queens County sewer rooter after his
apartment overflows. "I don't give a fuck who you are! I NEED SOMEONE
OUT HERE NOW!"
Truck Accident - JB calls a lawyer about a trucking accident. "I'd
like to sue them. I'd like to make some cash here if I could."
Glass Blower - JB calls a glass blowing company and wife interrupts.
"I hit her over the head with a fucking lamp, man! I don't know if
she's getting up. I'll need you for a witness if anything ever comes of
this."
Development - JB calls for job and hits on receptionist while
complaining of marital problems. "You're not married? Neither am
I...not for long, anyway."
Next Door Neighbor - Kamal calls neighbor. "You turn down that noise
or I swear I kill you motherfucker! You are piss!"
Nightclub - JB calls nightclub and talks to bouncer about wrecked car.
"Three dumb cuntrags from your stupid bar came out drunk, wrecked my
car, woke up the neighborhood and all you gotta say is call the owner?
I'm gonna pay you a visit....and maybe next time you won't make girls
drunk!
Round Beds - JB calls sleazy hotel and talks to clerk. "I'm coming in
with my new bride...she fucks all night. You can fuck her all
night...maybe I'll give you a piece of ass."
Hotel - JB calls hotel and bargains with clerk. "So how much you
charge for a room?" "One night is $89.50" "How about I come down there
right now and give you $1700 for it? Hey, Goya man, I need a room now!"
Pizza Place - JB calls pizza place and pretends to be Italian guy who
got sick from pizza. "I don't make mistake like that! Pepperoni! I'm
sick as a fuckin' dog!"
Eyeglasses - Beginning part of "Sol's Glasses". JB calls optical
associates and tells them his problems. "I just told you,
Rosenberg."Lawyer
Date - Beginning part of "Hurt at Work". JB calls law office and hits
on secretary. "What are you wearing?"