some religious jokes

[Laura Schooler]

Three nuns were talking one day. The first one said "I found a
condom in the priest's office." The second one said " I cut a hole in
it." The third one fainted.

Why Have Dogs Been Banned From The Vatican?
Because, They Pee On Poles.

Why Do Nuns Always Walk In Pairs?
So One Nun Can Make Sure The Other Nun Don't Get None!

Why Did The Minister Get Aids?
He Didn't Wash His Organ Between Hims.

Why did the Catholic priest get in so much trouble?
Every afternoon he'd invite an alter boy in for organ practice.

What's The Difference Between A Nun And A Woman Taking A Shower?
The Nun Has Hope In Her Soul.

What Language Do The Vatican Police Speak?
Pig Latin!

What Kind Of Meat Does The Pope Eat On Fridays?
Nun.

What Is The Difference Between A Woman In Church And A Woman In A Bubble
Bath?
The Woman In Church Has A Soul Full Of Hope And The Woman In The Bubble
Bath Has A Hole Full Of Soap.

What Is Black And White, And Red All Over?
Two Nuns In A Chainsaw Fight!

What Is Black And Crispy And Comes On A Stick?
Joan Of Arc.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Nun With An IBM?
A Computer System That Never Goes Down.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Jehovah's Witness With An Atheist?
Someone Who Rings Your Doorbell For Absolutely No Reason At All!

What Do You Get When You Cross A Hell's Angel With A Jehovah's Witness?
A Guy That Knocks On Your Door Saturday Morning And Tells You To F***
Off!

What Do You Call A Nun With A Sex Change?
A "Transister"

What Do You Call A Nun In A Blender?
Twisted Sister.

What Do The Pope And 7-Up Have In Common?
"Never Had It, Never Will."

What Do A Priest And A Christmas Tree Have In Common?
The Balls Are Just For Decoration.

Seen on a church marquee:
-Let Us Take You To Our Leader.
-Come In For A Faith Lift.
-We, Too, Are Open On Sunday.
-Sometimes The Message Has To Be Blunt For You To Get The Point.
-God Said It...We Believe It...That Settles It.
-If You Have No Sins...Bring A Friend Who Has.
-Come early -- if you want a back seat.

Seen on a Church parking lot sign:
-Unauthorized cars will be spirited away at owner's expense.
-Parking lot for church members only; violators will be baptized.

Remember, ministers do more than lay people.

Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people:
"The good news is we got them down to ten."
"The bad news is that adultery is still one of them."

Member: Pastor, how did you get that cut on your face?
Pastor: I was thinking about my sermon this morning and wasn't
concentrating on what I was doing and cut myself while
shaving.
Member: That's too bad! Next time you had better concentrate on
your shaving and cut your sermon!

Jimmy Swaggart telephoned Jim de Bakker.
Swaggart: I have a theological question: Can a prostitute be saved?
De Bakker: Yes.
Swaggart: Would you save me one for Saturday night?

How Do You Get Fresh Air Into A Russian Church?
You Click On An Icon, And A Window Opens.

How Come No One Ever Came Up With Any Jokes About The Jonestown
Incident?
The Punchlines Were Too Long.

How Can You Tell When You're In A Gay Church?
Only Every Other Guy Is Kneeling

Do You Know How The Pope Keeps His Papers Together?
With Papal Clips.

Clara: My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour.
Sarah: That's nothing! My pastor can talk for an hour without a
subject!

"Should I Boil The New Missionary?" Asked The Cannibal.
"No" Replied The Chief, "He's A Friar."

When the preacher's car broke down on a country road, he walked to
a nearby roadhouse to use the phone. After calling for a tow truck,
he spotted his old friend, Frank, drunk and shabbily dressed at the
bar.
"What happened to you, Frank?" asked the good reverend. "You used
to be rich."
Frank told a sad tale of bad investments that had led to his
downfall. "Go home," the preacher said. "Open your Bible at random,
stick your finger on the page, and there will be God's answer."
Some time later, the preacher bumped into Frank, who was wearing a
Gucci suit, sporting a Rolex watch, and had just stepped out of a
Mercedes. "Frank," said the preacher, "I am glad to see things have
really turned around for you."
"Yes, preacher, and I owe it all to you," said Frank. "I opened
my Bible, put my finger down on the page and there was the
answer....Chapter 11."

When the preacher finished the wedding ceremony, the groom shoved
his hands into the pockets of his overalls and asked, "How much I owe
you for this here weddin'?"
The minister said, "Round these parts, we don't charge for the
ceremony, but if you want to, you can pay accordin' to the bride's
beauty."
The groom took a dollar out of his pocket and handed it to the
preacher, and at that moment the bride lifted her veil. The preacher
glanced at her and said, "Here's fifty cents change."

Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young
preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit and
boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have
committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mowf!"

Want to become a minister? Want to do weddings and funerals -
legally? Simply put your name and address on one side of a postcard
and put the address of the Universal Life Church, 601 Third Street,
Modesto, CA 95351 on the other along with correct postage (19 cents
for domestic mail) and mail it.
They'll make you a minister of their church and that's all it
takes. NO JOKE!

Two priests and a baptist preacher were all playing golf one day
and one priest remarked about the other priest's Cadillac. The first
priest said that he has this large gold crucifix that he wears around
his neck during the services. During the services, the priest starts
swaying back and forth. The congregation gets hypnotized by the
crucifix and the priest asks them to please fill the collection plate.
The second priest asks to borrow the crucifix for Sunday's sermon.
Next week all three were playing golf and the first priest asks
the second how it went. "Oh, it was incredible! They put more money
into the collection plate than I've ever seen". At this point the
baptist preacher asks to borrow the crucifix.
The next week all three were playing and the two priests ask the
baptist preacher how it went. The preacher replied "It was awful! The
absolute worst experience of my life!" One of the priests asks what
happened.
The preacher said "Well, I put the crucifix around my neck, I
started swaying back and forth during the sermon, the congregation
became hypnotized,
...then the chain broke, hit and hit my foot! I said 'AWWWWW SH*T
and spent all night cleaning out the pews!"

Two nuns ran out of gas on the highway and flagged down a truck to
obtain some. The truck driver was more than willing to oblige them but
said that he didn't have a receptacle to use for the transfer. "That's
all right," said one of the nuns. "We do. Sister and I are returning
from a nursing assignment and there's a bedpan in our car."
So the truck driver siphoned out some gasoline and went on his way
and the nuns embarked on the task of pouring it slowly and carefully
into the tank of their car to avoid spilling any of the precious
liquid.
A passing motorist slowed down to see what the women were doing.
"Christ!" he exclaimed to his companion. "That's what I call FAITH!"

Two nuns are riding their bicycles toward the convent when one nun
says to the other nun "Gee, I've never come this way before". The
other nun replies "I know, I think it's the cobblestones".

Two ministers were walking along a country road. One of them took a
cigar out of his pocket, lit it and began to smoke. The other viewed
this action with obvious disfavor, and didn't hesitate to say so.
"Brother, I see you smoke. I am amazed at you. Are you not aware that
it is an inexcusably vile habit? Why, even a pig won't smoke!"
They walked on in silence for a few minutes, and then the smoker
uncorked the following reply, between puffs on his cigar: "Brother--
I've been thinking of what you just said--about a pig not smoking--and
I infer that you mean--to suggest some subtle resemblance--between me
and a pig. But, my dearest brother--inasmuch as you do not smoke--and
the pig does not smoke--it appears to me that there is a greater
resemblance between you and the pig--than between me and the pig!"

Two ladies, dressed to the hilt in their Easter Finery, were making
slow progress in the crowd headed for the entrance to the church.
Finally one of them burst out impatiently, "Now wouldn't you think
that these people who do nothing but go to church Sunday after Sunday
would stay home on Easter and leave room for the rest of us!"

Three nuns die and go to heaven... At the pearly gates they are
confronted by Saint Peter who says, "Well, girls before you can get
into heaven you must answer a question."
Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?"
She says, "Oh, that's easy. That was Adam." Birds sing, bells
ring, the gates of heaven open up and she goes into heaven.
Saint Peter then asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman on
earth?" The second nun says, "Oh, that's easy. That was Eve." The
birds sing again, bells ring again, the gates of heaven open up and
the second nun goes into heaven.
So Saint Peter says to the third nun, "What was the first thing
that Eve said to Adam?" Well, the third nun sits down and thinks
awhile... and says, "Boy, that's a hard one." Birds sing, bells ring,
the gates open up and the third nun goes into heaven!"

Three junior monks were taking their final test to enter the
brotherhood. The head monk tells them to take their robes off, then
ties a little bell to their penises with some string.
"If your bell rings," explains the head monk, "then you are not
fit for the brotherhood."
A door opens, and out comes a scantily-clad woman doing a sensuous
dance, but the bells don't ring. Her dance gets more and more erotic,
but the bells don't ring. She starts to peel off her clothes...
'Ding, ding, ding,' goes one of the bells.q
The head monks faces him and says, "You, brother, are not fit for
the order. Pick up your clothes and leave us."
Ashamed, he bends over to pick up his clothes.
'Ding, ding, ding,' go the other two bells.

This mother superior and her little nuns were out bike riding. At
the first speed bump all the little nuns start to giggle, and peddle a
little harder. at the second they giggle harder and peddle harder, at
the third they start to groan and peddle harder. At the fourth with
much groaning, moaning and sweating as well and some very hard
peddling the mother superior turns around and says "stop all that or
you'll have to put the seats back on!!!"

This Massachusetts preacher had been making parish calls all
afternoon and, as was the custom, at each house he was offered a
potation of one kind or another, perhaps hard cider, perhaps dandelion
wine, perhaps Jamaican rum. Arriving at the last house on his
schedule for the day he got off his horse and dropped the bridle rein
over a hitching post.
While the parson was indoors, having another drink or so, the
horse got loose, but was caught by a neighbor. The neighbor secured
the animal to the post again by passing the rein through the augur
hole near the top and then looping it over the post.
When the minister finished his business and came out of the house
he didn't seem able to get his horse unhitched. At last the people of
the household, noting his difficulties, came out to give him a hand.
Retaining as much of his dignity as possible, he gestured toward the
top of the post and said:
"Friends, while I was in your house one of the most remarkable
miracles ever known took place. My horse has in some manner managed to
crawl through the hole in this post, and I cannot persuade him to
return."

This family moves into a new town. They had two little hellion boys
that terrorized the teachers at their previous school. The nearest
school in their new town was a Catholic school. Well, they weren't
Catholic, but they decided to send their two boys there anyway, hoping
perhaps that the Nuns there would be able to straighten these boys
out. The boys began living up to their name, and terrorized their new
school. One day, the younger of the two gets caught, and the nun grabs
him by the scruff of the neck, and hauls him down to the head priest.
The head priest sits him down across from his desk. "Satan is
controlling you. He is why you are bad. Don't you know, that no matter
where you are or what you do, that God is always there, always
watching you? God is everywhere. He's at your home, here at school,
where ever you are, He is there, whether you are naughty, nice, good
or bad, he is always there, watching you!" The priest speaks for 15
minutes, hoping to get through to the boy.
After he is done with his speech, he asks the boy, "Now, where is
God?"
The boy just shrugs.
Again, the priest asks, "Where is God?"
Again, the boy just shrugs. By now, the priest is getting upset,
and points at the boy. "WHERE IS GOD!!??"
The boy looks around: under his chair, around the room. He drops
his head down a little bit and shrugs his shoulders.
The priest was furious by now; he yelled at the boy, "Go home!
Get your mother, and bring her back here with you!"
Well, by this time, school was already out, and all the kids had
gone home, so the boy runs home as fast as he can. When he gets home,
his older brother is outside playing. He runs over to him, grabs a
hold of him.
"Get in the house, we're in big trouble," the boy says.
He pulls his brother inside the house. "Come on upstairs, quick!"
Upstairs they went. He pulls his brother in the bedroom.
"Get in here, fast!" He opens the closet. "Get in here, NOW!"
He closes the closet door and says "We're in real big trouble
now!"
His brother asks, "What, what is it? What did we do?
"God is missing, and they're blaming us!"

Thirteen ministers were on a flight to Michigan. When they came
into a large storm, they told the stewardess to tell the pilot that
everything would be okay because 13 ministers were on board.
Later the stewardess returned from the cockpit.
"What did the pilot say?" one preacher asked.
"He said he was glad to have 13 ministers aboard but he would
rather have four good engines."

There were two nuns - one young, and one old - walking through the
park. They were set upon by two hoodlums, who threw them to the ground
and began raping them. The younger nun looked upwards to heaven and
said, "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do."
The older nun then looked over and said, "I don't know about
yours, but mine sure does!"

There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding to
their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and
talking. Then one Sunday one of the ministers was walking. "My what
happened to your bike?"
"Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"
"NO!," then an idea struck him, " You want to know how to get your
bike back?"
"Yeah."
"Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten
Commandments and when you get to the part about Thout shall not steal,
just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."
Well the next Sunday the minister comes riding up on his bike.
"Hey I see my suggestion worked."
"Well sort of, I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments
and when I got to the part about Adultery I remembered where I left
the bike."

There were the two missionaries, sitting in the pot of hot water -
one despairing, "We didn't even reach them, and all our work" but the
other said, "No, we did some good - look, they are saying Grace"!

There was this monastery high up on a hill, and they were looking
for a new bellringer. So one day there's a knock on the door and in
comes this guy with no arms. He says, "Hi! I'm here to apply for the
job as bellringer."
Of course since he has no arms, the head monk and the chaplain
just kind of look at him funny. So the chaplain takes the guy into
the back and proceeds to interview him. He asks "Ummm...not to be too
personal or anything, but don't you think it's going to be a little
hard ringing the bell if you umm.. have no arms?"
The guy responds, "Please sir, I have a starving wife and kids at
home. You have to give me the job."
"But what about the bell?"
"Don't worry, I'll figure out something."
"Well, it's almost 12:00 noon--you better get up there."
SO, the guy runs up the spiral steps to the bell tower and waits
for the clock to strike twelve. When it does, he stands next to the
bell and brings his head way back and proceeds to smash his face
against the bell, immediately spewing teeth and blood all over the
tower.
Quickly, the head monk and the chaplain run up the spiral steps to
the tower. The head monk stops, looks at the scene, and asks "Who the
hell is this guy?"
"I don't know, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, there's another knock at the door. The chaplain
answers it and in walks another person (with no arms) that looks
exactly like the first guy.
"Weren't you here yesterday?" the chaplain asks.
"Oh, that was my twin brother. I'm here to take the job as
bellringer."
"But...but....but you have no arms!" the chaplain stammers.
"Please, sir, I've got a starving wife and kids at home You gotta
help me!"
Thinking about what happened yesterday, the chaplain says, "All
right. But no funny stuff! Your brother almost got himself killed."
"Don't worry, I'll figure out something."
"Well, it's almost 12:00 noon--you better get up there."
SO, the guy runs up the spiral steps to the bell tower and waits
for the clock to strike twelve. When it does, he stands way back in
the corner, lowers his head, and charges the bell. Upon crashing into
the bell, his head splits open and he dies instantly.
Again, the head monk and the chaplain come running up the spiral
stairs to the tower. The head monk stops, looks around, and says,
"Oh, no..now who's this guy?"
"I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for the guy who was in here
yesterday!"

There was once this small town, where half the population was
Catholic, and the other half was Jewish. The houses of worship in
that town consisted of one Catholic Church, and one Jewish Synagogue.
Neither congregation was large enough to hold any sort of a
community event on its own, so the rabbi and the pastor got together
and decided to hold a joint fund raising event. This was back in the
days before Vatican II, when it was still obligatory for Roman
Catholics to abstain from meat on Fridays. The rabbi asked the priest
what he thought they should have as the main course for the dinner
banquet.
The priest said "ham." The priest then asked the rabbi when he
thought they should hold this event. The rabbi's reply: "Some Friday
evening this summer."

There was once a cannibal that barfed up every missionary he tried
to eat. Considering that very few people visited the tribe EXCEPT
missionaries, this presented him with quite a problem.
Finally he sought the advice and aid of the tribal shaman. The
witch doctor was unable to cure him, but offered this diagnosis: "It
just goes to show you, you can't keep a good man down!"

There there were these three nuns, who died and went to heaven,
like true nuns do. Being in heaven, they are rewarded by the High
one, for the fulfilling of their holy duties.
Their reward is being someone they choose, for three weeks.
The first nun Chooses to be Marilyn Monroe, for, as the nun
explains, Marilyn was considered the Goddess of love.
Likewise, the second nun chooses to be Jayne Mansfield, because
she was someone who shamelessly enjoyed everything in life.
After listening to the first two nuns, the third considered, and
said: "I want to be Sahara Pipelines, because a few weeks before I
died, I read in some magazine: `Sahara pipelines laid by 3000 Men'!"

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and
offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a
while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded
him he was a holy man.
"It's okay," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to
see where in the Bible it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first
page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"

The two priests were purchasing their tickets for a flight, and the
ticket agent was a beautiful young lady with assets galore. She was
wearing a low-cut blouse, and had her assets resting on the counter
top for all to view.
The elderly priest noticed the view, but ignored the view on
display, and remained tactful while purchasing his tickets. After
completing his transaction, he stepped back to allow the young priest
to buy his tickets.
The young priest, having not been accustomed to such an exposure,
found it difficult to maintain his composure, but did his best to
ignore the view on display. He explained to the buxom lass that he
needed to make a long-distance call, and would like his change in
quarters and "nipples..." Having realized what he said, he quickly
grabbed his change and beat a hasty retreat, trying to regain his
composure with a red face.
The elderly priest could keep quiet no longer, and stepped up to
the counter again. He began admonishing the lady, chastises her for
teasing and tempting men with her choice of clothing, for exposing her
body to men in such a fashion in a public place, and so on... He was
doing a fine job of making a point, all the while carefully avoiding
eye contact with anything other than her face. He ended his
comments, trying to put the fear of God in her, by warning her that
when she died, she would find herself standing before the Pearly Gates
of Heaven, and that "St. Finger will be shaking his peter at you..."
Realizing his blunder, he joined the young priest in red-faced
silence.

The trouble with religion today is that a lot of people practice it
but not too many are good at it!

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back
and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt.
"My mother looked back once while she was driving," contributed
little Johnny, "and she turned into a telephone pole."

The suggestion has been made that preachers could get more husbands
to church if they'd have beautiful ushers, as comely as airline
hostesses.
Obviously, the wives would then go along for security's sake.

The sermon had been going on endlessly. Finally the minister's
voice cracked and said, "What more can I say?"
One parishioner yelled, "How about `Amen'!"

The priest was exhorting the parishioners to do good deeds because
there was no telling when something might cut their lives short.
"Yes," he said, "somebody in this parish will die today."
A man in the back sighed with relief and said, "Thank the Lord I'm
not from this parish!"

The priest was administering the last rites to a critically ill
Irishman. Before anointing the man, the priest asked, "Do you
renounce the world, the flesh, and the Devil?"
The Irishman replied: "I think in my condition this is no time to
offend anyone."

The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. "So me and
my cousin were alone in the house," she continued, "and went up to my
bedroom..."
"Go on, my child," said the priest gently.
"I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand
on my....on my..."
"Go on."
"On my pussy," stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen.
"And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself."
"Yes, go on," the priest directed.
"I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall,"
the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, "and he began to
shove it in me so hard..."
"Yes, yes... Go on," he urged, breathing hard.
"And then we heard the front door slam--"
"Oh, SHIT!!!!

The priest had to be out of town for a few weeks, so a replacement
was brought in to hear confessions. During the confessions, several
women from the parish told the priest that they had committed
adultery. The priest told them that the word "Adultery" was a little
strong, and that they should used the word "Slipped" instead.
Well, after a few weeks, the regular priest returned, and, not
knowing the substitute priests usage of the word "Slip", was surprised
to hear that the women thought that slipping was a sin...
The priest decided to have a talk with the grounds keeper, telling
him that he needed to take better care of the sidewalks, as several of
the women were slipping frequently. The grounds keeper (knowing what
they had meant), immediately started laughing.
The priest looked at him and said "I don't know what you're
laughing about, your wife slipped three times last week!"

The priest and Rabbi had been friends for 50 years. They were
retired, and often sat in the park reflecting on life. One day, after
discussing the foibles of politicians, movie stars, the neighbors, and
the world in general, the conversation took a personal turn.
"Moishe," asked the priest, "I have always wondered. Have you
ever eaten pork?"
"That's strictly against the dietary laws," Moishe replied.
"Well, that's not really an answer to my question," pointed out
the priest.
Moishe sat silently for a moment. Then, with a sigh:
"Patrick, my old friend, I can't lie to you. Once, when I was
at a large reception in a hotel, they were serving ham in the hors
d'oeuvres. I took one, wondering what it would be like."
"And did you like it, Moishe?"
"Well, it was okay, I guess, but I decided it wasn't good enough
to risk the wrath of God."
The friends sat quietly for a few more minutes.
"Patrick, since we're asking these things now, have you ever had a
woman?"
The priest turned beet-red, got an angry look on his face for a
moment, then sighed.
"Yes, Moishe. Once, I had this housekeeper who always ran around
in the evening in skimpy clothing, 'accidentally' left the bathroom
door ajar when taking a bath, and in general tried everything she
could to seduce me.
Finally, one night after I had been into the sacramental wine a
little too deeply, I gave in. I did three years' penance for that."
They sat quietly for a few more minutes. "Patrick?"
"Yes, Moishe?"
"Tell me something..."
"Well-l-l... Yes?"
"It was better than ham?"

The preacher was preparing his sermon as his small daughter
watched.
"Daddy," she asked, "does God tell you what to say?"
"Of course, honey," he answered, "why do you ask?"
"Oh," was the reply, "then why do you scratch some of it out?"

The Preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age, I
should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do all the
time. No matter where I am...in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen,
or down in the basement, I ask myself, `Now, what am I hear after?'"

The Pope was on his balcony, addressing the assembled throng in St.
Peter's Square.
"You must love each other like brothers!", he proclaimed. The
crowd listened.
"You must respect the holy sanctity of marriage!", he cautioned.
Still they listened.
"You must not have sex outside of marriage!", he commanded.
Suddenly a young woman in the crowd shouted "Hey! You no play-a da
game, you no make-a da rules!!!"

The pope walked into this hotel in Las Vegas and walked up to the
desk to check in. The clerk said" I don't believe it, it's Elvis
Presely!"
The Pope replied," No, No it's me the pope. See my white robes."
The clerk said," Oh yes I see, sorry." and gave him his keys.
The bellboy came over to get the Popes bags and said "Oh my God
it's Elvis Presely, I don't believe it. I knew you were alive!"
The Pope chuckled and said, "No, no my son. I'm the Pope Gods
representative on earth. See my pointed hat and white robes."
"Oh yes, I see," said the bellboy and took his bags up to the Popes
room.
When the Pope got to his room and opened his door he saw a naked
lady lying on his bed. The naked lady looked at the Pope and shouted,
"Elvis Presely, it's Elvis Presely!"
The Pope said, "A one for the money, two for the show..."

The Pope calls his mother right after being elected Pope.
Pope: Hi mom, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Mother: What's the good news?
Pope: I've just been elected Pope.
Mother: What's the bad news?
Pope: I have to move into a Italian neighborhood.

The pastor went to the hospital to visit a backslidden member of
his congregation and quickly closed the curtains in the room. When
the backslider asked why he did that he said "there's a big fire
across the street, and I didn't want you to think the operation had
failed."

The pastor was in the hospital for three weeks. For a while it
looked quite serious. The Chairman of his Church Board tried to cheer
him up. "Preacher," he said reassuringly, "we don't want you to worry
about a thing. Last night at our board meeting, we voted 10-9 to
pray for your recovery."

The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl. She was
reciting her confession, and it was all too much for him. He told her
to come with him to his room. There, he placed his arm around her.
"Did he do this?"
"Yes, Father and worse," said the girl.
"Hmm," said the priest, He kissed her.
"Did he do this?" the priest asked, as he lifted her skirt,
removing her panties, and started jabbing his finger into her snatch.
"Did the young man do this to you?", he asked.
"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied.
By this time the priest was thoroughly HOT. He pulled the girl
down onto the rug and inserted his dick, started screwing and
breathing heavily as he asked, "Did he manage to do this?"
"Yes, Father and worse," said the girl.
When the priest had finished screwing the girl, he asked "He did
this too, and worse" My dear daughter, what worse could he have
done?"
"Well," the shy young girl said, " I think, Father, that he's
given me a dose of CLAP."

The new priest, at his first mass, was so afraid that he could
hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the
Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next week it may
help if you put martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips,
everything should go smoothly."
The next week, the young Priest put the elder's suggestion into
practice and really talked up a storm. After the sermon he asked the
Monsignor how he liked it. The Monsignor replied, "There are a few
things you should learn before addressing the congregation again."
1. Next time,sip rather than gulp the martinis.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. David slew Goliath. He didn't kick the shit out of him.
5. We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ and his disciples as
J.C. and the boys.
6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
7. We do not refer to the cross as the big T.
8. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.
9. Last but not least, it's the Virgin Mary not the Mary with the
cherry.

The new preacher, at his first service had a pitcher of water and a
glass on the pulpit. As he preached, he drank until the pitcher of
water was completely gone.
After the service someone asked an old woman of the church, "How
did you like the new pastor?"
"Fine," she said, "but he's the first windmill I ever saw that was
run by water."

The Mother Superior of an Irish convent hear a knock at the door
and went to answer it. When she opened the door, she saw two
leprechauns standing outside. One of the leprechauns took off his hat
and said, "Begging your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you be
having any midget nuns here?"
The Mother Superior said, "No, we have no midget nuns here."
The leprechaun, looking disturbed, said, "Are you quite sure,
Mother Superior?"
The Mother Superior said, "I know all the sisters, and I am quite
certain that there are no midget nuns here."
The leprechaun, now quite upset, asked, "Would you be knowing if
any other convent has midget nuns?"
The Mother Superior said, "To the best of my knowledge, there's
not a midget nun in the whole of Ireland".
The second leprechaun jabbed the first one in the ribs with his
elbow and said, "See? I told you that you were screwing a penguin!"

The minister's dog had puppies, and one of his neighbors enquired
as to as to what kind were they? Baptist! he exclaimed. Several days
later the other neighbor found out about the puppies and went over to
visit. What beautiful puppies! What kind are they? he asked.
Episcopalian, replies the minister. About a week later one of the
neighbor's cars breaks down, so he gets a ride to work with the other
neighbor. They were discussing the minister's new puppies, and one of
them comments that the puppies are special, because they're Baptist
puppies. The other neighbor disagrees, and said no, the minister had
told him they were Episcopalian puppies. Comparing stories, they
decide to confront the minister. When asked as to why he had said the
puppies were Baptists at first, the minister replied that at that time
their eyes were not open yet.

The minister told his housekeeper, "The Powell's should be here for
dinner at seven, but knowing them, I think I'll give them a half hour
of grace."
The housekeeper said, "That'll teach them to be on time!"

The minister of a well-attended, strong, and enthusiastic church
often showed himself ready and able to deal with any situation that
might come up. One Sunday, just as the minister was reaching the
climax of his sermon, his own young son entered the church, ran to the
center aisle, started making loud beeps and brrrmms like a car without
a muffler, then zoomed right toward him.
The minister stopped his sermon, pointed severely at his son, and
commanded, "Jimmy, park the car immediately beside your mother on that
bench (pointing), turn off the ignition, and hand her the keys."
The sermon continued undisturbed...after a good laugh by the
congregation.

The minister entered the bathroom at the church, and while he was
using the urinal he heard moaning coming from one of the stalls.
Entering a stall beside the one whence the sounds were coming, he
stood on the toilet seat and discreetly peeked over. There he saw
Roger DeLeon masturbating.
Sneaking from the lavatory, the minister decided to have a chat
with the boy. Waiting until he came out, he took Roger aside and
without being harsh or judgmental said, "I happen to know what you
were doing in there, Roger, and I must tell you that the boys whom God
truly loves are those who save it until they're married."
Nearly a month passed before the minister happened to bump into
Roger again. "And how are we doing with our....problem?" he asked.
"Great!" he answered. "So far I've saved nearly a quart."

The minister asked, "What must we do before we can expect
forgiveness of sin?
A teenager in the front row said, "Sin."

The little boy returned from his first experience in church and was
asked how it went. He said, "The music and singing were nice, but the
commercial was too long."

THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS.
NO SLURS ARE INTENDED.
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north
ends of the Church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk, please come early.
3 Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson
will sing: "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
4. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All those wishing to become little mothers, please meet
the minister in his study.
5. This being easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come
forward and lay an egg on the alter.
6. The services will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the
ladies will start quietly, and the rest will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the
expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the
new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
9. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church
basement. Music will follow.
10. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth
of David Alan Belser, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Jusius Belser.

The Church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money to pay
their expenses for a special trip. They made a large sign, CAR WASH
FOR CHOIR TRIP, and on the given Saturday business was very good. But
by two o'clock the skies clouded and the ran poured and there were
hardly any customers. Finally, one of the girl washers had an idea.
She printed a very large poster which said, WE WASH (then an arrow
pointing skyward) GOD RINSES.
Business boomed!

The assistant pastor of a fundamentalist Christian church was
teaching some children the Sunday School lesson before the main
service. He decided to enliven things a bit by posing them a riddle:
"What is it that collects nuts for winter, climbs trees, and has a
bushy tail?"
An eager youngster waved her hand. The pastor called on her.
"Well," she said, "I know the answer's supposed to be Jesus, but it
sure sounds like a squirrel to me."

The ambitious young missionary asked his guide to take him to a
remote section inhabited by cannibals. Upon meeting the tribe's
chief, the missionary told the interpreter, "Ask him if he knows
anything about religion."
After a bit of grunting and sign language, the interpreter
replied, "He says he got a little taste of it when the other
missionary was here."

The Abbot of the Monastery was very strict in his routine. Each
morning, he'd come out of his cell, go into the main room where all
the monks were sitting, and chant "Good Morning."
They would chant back "Good Morning." At the evening meal, he'd
enter the room and sing "Good Evening," and they would reply in kind.
One morning, though, in response to his greeting, he distinctly
heard one monk sing "Good Evening." Wondering if his ears were going,
he sang "Good Morning," only to hear the anomalous greeting again.
Looking about the room, he sang "Someone Chanted 'Evening.'"

Televangelist: A person in contact with God, but upset with God
because God does not listen and straighten things out.

Tammy Faye Bakker, called by Esquire Magazine, "The Last Irritation
of Christ."

Some people don't realize that the Ten Commandments aren't multiple
choice!

Some nuns ran an orphanage in a rural are
One day the mother superior called in the teenagers who were about
to leave. "You're going into a sinful world," she said. "I must warn
you that men will take advantage of you. They'll buy you drinks and
dinner, take you to their apartments, undress you and do terrible
things to you.
Then they'll give you $20 or $30 and kick you out."
"Excuse me, Mother," one of the teenagers said. "You mean men
will take advantage of us and give us money?"
"Yes child. Why do you ask?"
"Because the priests only give us candy."

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in
fourth grade what whey want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila
says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's
eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you
say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God!
I thought you said a Protestant"

Since I went to school the Sisters who teach there are not nearly
as strict. Amnesty International got after them.

Seems that there was this Pastor who couldn't find an organ player
to replace his old one who had retired after 30 years, so he looked
for another musician. Alas, all he could find was a beginning flute
player who really wasn't that good. The reverend told him to be ready
to play by sunday service.
When sunday came the pastor introduced the new member and told
everyone to turn to hymn number 165. A look of shock came over the
flutist's face. "Oh no", he cried, " I can't play that one, preacher!
That's to hard."
"OK", replied the pastor, "in that case, everyone turn to hymn
number 119."Once again, the flute player whined and said that it was
to hard to play.
After this had happened 4 or 5 times, someone in the congregation
yelled, "The flute player is an idiot!!!" This really angered the
preacher who was already peaved by the flute players incompetence.
"Alright, people, we'll have none of that. Who called my flute
player an idiot? I want you to stand right now" No one stood. "OK,
will the man sitting next to the man who called my flute player an
idiot, please stand." Again, no one stood. "Alright, will the man
siting next to the man sitting next to the man who called my flute
player an idiot, PLEASE STAND UP!" Still no one. The preacher,
totality irate now, yelled, "I"M WAITING!"
Suddenly, a big man in the back pew stood up. He looked at the
parson and said, "Well, Mr. Minister, I ain't the man who called your
flute player and idiot. I ain't even the man sitting next to the man
who called your flute player an idiot. As a matter of fact, I ain't
even the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the man who
called your flute player an idiot. What I want to know, sir, is who
called that idiot a flute player?

Seems all the construction going on next to the convent was giving
the Mother Superior a few headaches. One day, after several days of
complaints from the Nuns, she decided to visit the Foreman. Her mind
made up to let him know just how she felt about the foul language, she
went to his office.
"I know my men use really colorful language, sister" said the
Foreman, "but they are just simply calling a spade a spade."
To this, the Mother Superior got livid: "No they most certainly do
not! - They call it a FUCKING SHOVEL!"

Seems a young preacher was preaching his first message and really
flopping. One of the parishioners asked the older preacher how the
young one could do so bad if he was **called*. The older pastor
replied "Well, maybe it was a local call and not long-distance."

Reverend Henry Ward Beecher entered Plymouth church one Sunday and
found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it
contained the single word, "Fool." Quietly and with becoming
seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words;
"I have known many an instance of a man writing a letter and
forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have
ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the
letter."

Reverend Beck still gets nervous when he speaks...even after all
these years. Actually, it all started about forty years ago when he
performed his first wedding. The Reverend did okay until he
pronounced them husband and wife, and waited for the groom to kiss the
bride. However, the groom just stood there. So in a nervous high-
pitched tone, the Reverend blurted out, "It's kisstomary to cuss the
bride!" (Hope he hasn't been doing so ever since.)

Renfrew was the most absentminded altar boy Father O'Malley had
ever seen. But Renfrew meant well, and the clergymen decided to give
him one more chance to prove himself.
"At mass tomorrow, I will come to a point where you'll hear me
sing 'And God's angels lit the candles.' When I say that, you're to
light the candles in the back of the church. Is that understood?"
Renfrew said it was, and that night both the priest and Renfrew
prayed for his success.
The next day Father O'Malley conducted mass in front of a full
congregation. At last his rich baritone sang out, "And God's angels
lit the candles!"
Nothing happened and he said again, "And God's angels lit the
candles!"
Still the candles remained unlit, and once more he boomed, "And
God's angels lit the candles!"
From behind the last pew Renfrew's small voice carried across the
room. "And your dog pissed on the matches!"

Pity the poor pastor who was delivering his sermon when a gentlemen
in the back pew turned his head to one side, put his hand to his ear,
and said, "Louder." The preacher raised his voice somewhat and
continued with his sermon, which was not too interesting. After a few
minutes the man said again, "Louder!" The preacher strained even more
and continued on, but by now the sermon had become quite boring. The
man said again, "Louder!" At this point a man on the front row
couldn't stand it any longer and yelled back to the man in the rear.
"What's the matter, can't you hear?"
"No," said the man in the back.
"Well," said the man down front, "move over, I'm coming back to
join you."

People ought to leave Jimmy Swaggart alone. On the other hand,
Jimmy Swaggart ought to leave people alone. Or something like that...

Our Pastor was teaching Proverbs 16:24: "Pleasant words are as an
honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones." The minister
then added, "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."
My wife leaned over, put her head on my shoulder and whispered in
my ear, "I just love to watch your muscles ripple when you take out
the garbage."

Oral Roberts dies and goes to heaven. As he gets to the pearly
gates, St.Peter says, "Next." He replies, "Oral Roberts." "The Oral
Roberts?" "Yes St Peter, the Oral Roberts." St. Peter says, "Wait
here a minute. I know someone anxious to meet you." He goes away for a
few minutes and comes back with a guy on his arm. "Jesus,this is Oral
Roberts." "The Oral Roberts?" Oral says, "Yes Lord, the Oral
Roberts!" Jesus says, "Boy come with me. I know someone that has been
waiting to see you for years." So Jesus leads him into a small room.
Over in the corner is an old man sitting in a rocking chair.
Jesus says, "Hey dad, this is Oral Roberts." "The Oral Roberts?" Oral
says in a very humble voice, "Yes my Lord. The Oral Roberts.."
God says, "Boy I've been waiting years to see you. Could you come
over here and take a look at my knee. It's been bothering me for
years......."

One thing about a church...you're never too bad to come in and
you're never too good to stay out.

One Sunday, our minister told the story of how Mary and Joseph left
Jesus behind at the temple. My husband, Bob, wondered, "How could a
parent forget his child?" That question was answered as soon as Bob
and I arrived home in separate cars. We realized neither one of us
had brought our 11-year-old daughter home.

One Sunday a little boy approaches the pastor of his church. Little
boy: Excuse me Pastor, is it true that we were created from dust?
Pastor: Yes, it is true that we were created from dust.
Little boy: And is it true that when we die, we return to dust?
Pastor: Yes, it is true that we return to dust when we pass on.
Little boy: Well if you wouldn't mind, I'll need you to stop by my
house and look under my bed, 'cause someone's either coming or going.

One day at the Vatican, a papal aide rushes in to the Pope's office
and says, "Your Holiness! Good news and bad news!" The Pope replies,
"What's the good news?" "Jesus Christ is on the phone." "That's
great news, what can be so bad?" "He's calling from Utah."

One day a preacher came into town and started preaching that he
could heal all kinds of ailments. Well, as he was preaching, a man on
crutches happened to walk by. The preacher stopped him and said,
"Brother, what is your ailment?" He replied, "Well preacher, I have a
deformed leg, and have never walked without crutches." The preacher
said, "What's your name, Brother?" "My name's John." said the crippled
man. "Well brother John, you step back behind this curtain." and he
did.
About a minute later, another man happened to walk by and was also
stopped by the preacher. "What's your name brother" said the preacher.
"Mu-mu-ma names Ba-Ba-BOB!" was the reply. "Well brother Bob, what is
your ailment?" "Well, P-P-Preacher, I ha-ha-have a stu-stu-stu-
problem talking." So the preacher ushered him behind the curtain also
and then started dancing and preaching and yelling and praying and all
kinds of stuff.
After about 5 minutes of this, he said, "Brother John, throw down
your crutches, Brother Bob, speak to me in a normal voice "About 30
seconds later, a voice came from behind the curtain. "P-P Preacher,
Br-Bra-Brother John Je-Jes-just fell on hi-hi-his ass!"

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man
was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said
"Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said
"But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the sister took the
fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the
goddamn fish I caught."
The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!",
and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a
goddamn fish".
So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and
I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked
in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister
caught."
The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like
that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a
goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish
and I'll cook it".
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and
he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the
goddamn fish."
And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And the
monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said:
"I like this fucking place already!"

One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his
congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three
sermons...a $100. sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50. sermon that
lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10. sermon that lasts a full hour. Now,
we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

Once upon a time, the vicar was walking in the vicarage garden when
he came to a lily pond. There was a little green frog sitting by the
pond.
"My, my, you're a nice little green frog, aren't you?" said the
vicar.
"I'm not really a little green frog" said the little green frog.
"I'm really a choirboy, but a wicked witch put an evil curse on me,
and turned me into a little green frog. The only way I can be turned
back into a choirboy is if some kind mortal were to take me and put me
in their bed for a whole night; then I would be restored to my former
state."
So the vicar, being a kindly sort, took the little green frog,and
he placed it in his bed for a whole night, and in the morning, lo and
behold, the little green frog was restored to his original form as a
choirboy, and they all lived happily ever after.
And that Milord is the case for the defense.

On the wall of a church was a sign, "If you are tired of sin, come
to see us!"
And right below it in nice rounded letters;
"But if you're not, my phone number is 341 3451"

On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily
business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a star
of David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the
cross wearer and the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor
approached the Jew and suggested that if he take off the star of
David maybe he'd get some more hand outs.
"Get this guy," laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross
wearing pal,"Trying to teach US how to do business!"

My church welcomes all denominations....tens, twenties, fifties...

Mitchell asked his pastor if there was any sure way to quit
smoking.
"Punish yourself," said the preacher. "Every time you catch
yourself at it, hand the person next to you a five dollar bill."
"Mitchell started to leave, but just as he got to the front door
he reached for his lighter, realized what he was doing, and handed the
parson's wife a five-dollar bill.
"She whispered, "Meet me in the choir loft after supper."

Louise took her small grandson to church. He watched as the choir
came out of the side door in white robes and took their places. Then
the little fellow leaned over and whispered, "Look, Grandmother!
They're all going to get a haircut."

Just in: Pope Jerry Falwell V has canonized Oliver North as the
First North American Saint of the Independent Baptist Church! When it
was pointed out to the Pope that Saint Oliver may have told a few
lies, the Pope said that nobody is perfect. Martyrdom next, stay
tuned.

Jimmy Swaggart says let those Catholics have their silly bingo. He
is into stud poker!

It seems the young preacher had recently married a pretty,
virginal, very proper and Christian girl. Their relation was, well,
*heavenly*, except for one small cloud.
During the act of sexual intercourse, as things neared a climax,
the minister was wont to utter such exclamations as "Oh, God!" "Jesus
Christ" "Holy Mary", etc. (As so well-fits your point about
atheists).
Finally, his wife, who found much to her surprise that she enjoyed
the "two-backed beast" and didn't want to discourage any advances
(this is a sure indication that the story is *fictional*) screwed (ha
heh har) her courage to the sticking point, and confronted him with
what she assured her husband was a relatively minor, but important,
point--that of blasphemy.
With a surprised look on his face, the young minister giggled a
bit, then sobered up as he saw that this shocked his blushing bride
even further, and reached for his Bible.
"Don't worry, honey, it's all right! See? Right here, in the
Sermon on the Mount (how apt!!!) is says, 'Blessed is he who COMETH in
the Name of the Lord!'"

It seems that in this small mid-western town a minister was given
gifts by his congregation. An elderly woman comes up to him and
presents him with several home-baked pies. He graciously accepts her
gifts and heads for home.again who asked, "Sir, did you enjoy my pies?
I made them especially for you.."
Later on, he and his friends decide to try these pies only to find
that they are possibly the worst examples of Man's cooking skills yet
to be discovered. Try as they might, they could not stomach the goods
and finally were forced to dump the entire lot into the garbage.
At the next week's service, the minister was greeted by the
elderly woman. Not wishing to hurt the poor woman's feelings, and yet
wishing to stay to the true course set for him, what could he do?
Finally, inspiration hits upon him.
"Madam, as God is my witness, I can truly say that no pie like
yours lasts long around our house."

Is a priest who dresses up for a costume party a blessing in
disguise?

In a one priest Irish Catholic Parish everybody knew everybody
else. One Saturday a waggish young lad by the name of Timmy went to
confession. The priest after hearing Timmy's sins said - "Timmy, I
have it on good advice that your fooling around with one of the
married women in the parish."
Timmy protested his innocence but the priest would have none of
it.
"Timmy" ,he said "tell me, is it Mrs. Monahan?"
"No father I hardly know the women!"
"All right then Timmy, is it Mrs. O'Connell?"
"Mrs. O'Connell, father she the wife of one of my very best
friends! I would never lay hands on her!"
"Timmy, this is your last chance, I'm losing my patience, is it
Mrs. O' Hara?"
"No Father I wouldn't dream of...".
"TIMMY! I don't want to hear it. You've come to this confessional
and lied to me! I want you to consider the seriousness of this matter
for a month and come back and confess who it is to me."
On the way out Timmy meets a good friend of his on his way to the
confessional. The friend asks Timmy "Is the Father in a good mood
today.
Timmy replies "He's in a GRAND mood, he gave me a month off and
three good leads."

In a large, empty, silent church, the priest was hearing
confessions. At the back of the church the janitor was polishing
brasses and replacing candles. He could hear everything that was
being said.
A man came in and went into the confession booth and said, sadly,
"Oh, Father, I have sinned three times." And then there was a mumbled
recital of the sins. Then the priest said, "My son, your sins are
forgiven. Now, if you'll just put $5 into the collection box, that
will be fine."
Next was a woman. "Oh, Father, I have sinned three times".....and
again the mumbled recital, forgiveness, and the priest saying, "Now if
you'll just put $5 into the collection box, that will be fine."
Soon another man came in, "Oh, Father, he said contritely, "I have
sinned twice." Before he could go on, the janitor stated audibly from
the back, "Go out and sin again, brother. Special today, three sins
for $5."

In a large, empty, silent church, the priest was hearing
confessions. At the back of the church the janitor was polishing
brasses and replacing candles. He could hear everything that was
being said.
A man came in and went into the confession booth and said, sadly,
"Oh, Father, I have sinned three times." And then there was a mumbled
recital of the sins. Then the priest said, "My son, your sins are
forgiven. Now, if you'll just put $5 into the collection box, that
will be fine."
Next was a woman. "Oh, Father, I have sinned three times".....and
again the mumbled recital, forgiveness, and the priest saying, "Now if
you'll just put $5 into the collection box, that will be fine."
Soon another man came in, "Oh, Father, he said contritely, "I have
sinned twice." Before he could go on, the janitor stated audibly from
the back, "Go out and sin again, brother. Special today, three sins
for $5."

I went to a Catholic school where the kids were so tough the nun
taught us art and how to draw composite sketches.

I received an interesting chain letter the other day. It went like
this:
To Whom it may Concern:

If you are not satisfied with your present pastor mail this letter
to the 6 churches listed at the top of the letter, then pack up your
pastor and ship him to the church at the bottom of the list.
At the end of 2 weeks, you should receive a total of 16,436
pastors -- one of them is bound to be a dandy!
But beware! One church broke this chain and received their old
pastor back!

I mix religion with science. I count my blessings on a computer!

I love a story Willsie Martin told on himself when he was pastor of
the Wilshire United Methodist Church in Los Angeles. Willsie arrived
early one Sunday morning to see an elderly woman struggling to get up
the steep stairs to the large sanctuary, "Here, let me help you," said
Willsie and, with a great deal of patience and love, he helped her to
the top of the stairs. Reaching the entrance to the sanctuary, the
elderly lady turned to Willsie and asked, "Can you tell me who is
preaching this morning?" With a smile, Willsie answered, "Yes, Willsie
Martin." Where upon she said, "Would you mind helping me back down the
steps?"

Frank Perdue is granted a private audience with the Pope. "Your
holiness," he says, "I've heard that the Church has suffered some
financial reversals, so I'm here with a proposal that can benefit both
of us. I'm prepared to donate a hundred million dollars to the
Church, provided you make one small change in the Lord's Prayer.
Where it says, `Give us this day our daily bread...' Well, I'd like
you to consider changing just the end of that line to: `Give us this
day our daily chicken.'"
The Pope is taken aback. "That's a most unusual request," he
says, "but it's certainly a substantial kindness that you're offering
the Church. Let me discuss your offer with the College of Cardinals,
and I'll be back in touch with you in a few days."
As soon as Perdue leaves, the Pope convenes an emergency meeting
of the Cardinals. "Boys," he says, "I think we're going to have to
review the Wonder Bread account."

Father O'Hara was having dinner with his good friend Rabbi Melnick.
Teasing, Father O"Hara said, "When are you going to break down and
taste some pork?"
Rabbi Melnick said, "At your wedding!"

Did you hear how Moses got the ten commandments? God was coming
down the mountain and the first person he came across was not Moses.
It was a Roman. He asked the Roman if he wanted any commandments? The
Roman replied, What's a commandment?" God said, "Thou shalt not
kill." The Roman replied, "Hell no! We're a warring nation. That's
how we make our living."
So God went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was
a nomadic tribesman. He asked this guy if he wanted a commandment.
The guy replied, "What's a commandment?" God said, "Thou shalt not
steal." The guy said, "Hell no! That's how we make our living." So
God went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was Moses
with a bunch of little Jews following him.
God asked Moses, "Do you want any commandments?" Moses asked, "How
much are they?" God said, "They're free." Moses replied "Yea sure,
we'll take ten..."

Dad criticized the sermon, Mother thought the organist made a lot
of mistakes. Sister didn't like the choir's singing. But they all
shut up when Billy chipped in with the remark: "I think it was a darn
good show for a dime."

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