List: German jokes
Ruediger Mannert
Hi,
as the replies seem to have stopped, I now post my 'jokes about
Germans'-list.
I did not take out the so-called jew jokes. My asbestos suit is ready.
(A German, a squarehead. :-) )
And as somebody asked: I'm German. Nevertheless, I like this kind
of humor. I hope I'm not the only one.
Q: How does a German eat mussels
A: *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* ... AUFMACHEN !!!
---
Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.
---
After much discussion as to where the capitol of the new Germany should be --
Bonn,or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris.
---
Belgium's national motto:
Belgium: Gateway to France!
---
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
---
Why do Germans pay 6 marks for a haircut?
One mark for each side.
---
why can't a german get AIDS?
he has no friends.
(I would add here: Unlike a Frenchman, he has no friends who want
to use his butt. Apologies.)
---
Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great,
but an hour later, you're hungry for power.
---
Have you heard about the new German microwave ?
It's got ten seats inside.
---
How many Jews fit into a Volkswagen ?
Ten. Two in the front, two rear, and six in the ashtray.
---
What's the difference between a Jew and a Pizza?
(in Germany - to keep the subject)
1- The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
2- about $5.65
---
Q: Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans?
A: They give them gas.
---
A house, inhabited by a Greek on ground level, an Italian on first
floor and a German on second, got on fire. Who survived ?
The German. He was at work.
---
What's the difference between an English, a French and a Germany
pensioner?
The English one takes a Whisky and goes fishing.
The French one thakes a glass of wine and goes playing Boule.
The Germany one takes his cardiac drug and goes to work.
---
"When do I become a sausage?"
---
"Two Martinis, bitte."
"Dry?"
"Nein, I said TWO!"
---
"What would you like sir?"
"Ein bloody steak."
"Well, do you want some f*cking chips with it too?"
---
Ever tried offering "After Eights" to a German?
----
germans make fast automobiles because
anything that *doesn't* move fast
enough in germany is in danger of
getting ground up into sausage.
(I don't get this one, but don't bother.)
---
How about this from a beer add in Australia..
There are 2 Germans and 2 Australians sitting in a bar. The Germans
are having obvious difficulties ordering a beer.
Then they see the Australians order a "Tooheys Red" each, which is what
the germans wanted. But the barman had already started pouring them the
house special, so the Germans shout, "Nine, Nine!!"...so the barman gives
them nine beers.
---
Why do Germans have huge heads ?
Otherwise the mouth would not fit in!
---
What's cannibalism ?
Germans eating pork....
---
Q: What is the height of confusion ?
A: Don`t answer but stand up, click your heels together, extend your
right hand in the NAZI-salute and shout "Shalom" instead of "Heil
Hitler."
---
Schuetze dich vor Sturm und Wind
und Deutschen, die im Ausland sind.
[Protect yourself against storms and wind
and Germans who are abroad - for all you monoglots out there ]
---
Ten Germans are just starting to gangbang a young Fraulein against
her wishes. "Nein! Nein!" she screams, so one of them gets up and leaves.
---
There were 10 Polish guys raping this German babe....(as you do)...
She started screaming "NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!"
So one of the Polish guys left.
(I agree. This joke gets much better if the bad guys are Polish.)
---
Q: Why are so many Germans born by C-section?
A: Ever try to get a Squarehead through a round hole?
---
Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?
So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.
---
Q: How do you make a German chocolate cake?
A: First, you occupy der kitchen.
---
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gestapo
Gestapo who?
Ve Vill ask ze Questions!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ze resistanz
How can I be sure?
Ze Gestapo never lies!
Knock knock
Who's there ?
Nazi war criminal
Nazi war criminal who ?
Your on the jury.
---
Germany is discussing to replace the eagle on their national flag by a
hippopotamus... in that way they can have a big mouth underwater as well!
---
I heard that now that germany was reunited they we thinking about getting
a new name. Odd, germany was always keen on giving its neighbors a new
name... GERMANY
---
"Happiness is a German cook who doesn't." - Guy Lavert
??? - me
---
Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most
pleasing to the ear.
The Spaniard says, "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish,
this is Mariposa, a beautiful sounding word."
The French guy says, "True, but Papillon is even more beautiful".
"What's wrong with Schmetterlink?", says the German....
(I know it's ...ling, but it's pronounced ...link, ain't it?)
---
D'r komt een mof op 4 mei bij de drogist, vraagt ie waarom de vlaggen
halfstok hangen. "Ist die Koeniging tot, oder so etwas?" De drogist
legt uit dat het is in verband met de dodenherdenking. De mof zegt:
"Ja, aber bei uns sind auch viele getotet worden", waarop de drogist
antwoord: "Ja, ich weiss, das feiern wir morgen".
Translation:
A man enters a (Dutch) pharmacy and asks why all flags are at half-mast.
"Ist die Koenigin tot, oder so etwas?"
("What happened? Is the queen dead?")
The pharmacist replies that this is to the honour of the people
who died in World War II.
"Ja, aber bei uns sind auch viele getoetet worden."
("Many Germans died, too.")
"Ja, ich weiss, das feiern wir morgen."
("I know. We will celebrate this tomorrow.")
(Wow. I speak Dutch. Maybe this is due to the fact that the Dutch
language is just a German dialect. :-) )
---
This guy is hiking through Europe when he comes upon a sign by a pond saying
"Do Not Drink! Poison!"
But there's another guy at the pond drinking with one hand from it.
The hiker says, "No, stop drinking! It's poisonous!"
The drinker stops and says, "Was, was sagen Sie?"
The hiker says, "Sie muessen mit zwei Haenden trinken, es geht schneller!"
---
What do you call a constipated German?
"Fahrfrompoopin"
---
Q: Does anybody know the ultimate example of recycling??
A: Germans eating pork flesh..
---
Q: How do you get 50 germans in a car?
A: Throw a Jewish person inside.
---
WHAT DO YOU CALL A PISSY NAZI?
A SOURKROUT
---
What is the german word for vaseline?
Der Weinersleider
---
What is the German word for virgin
Gesundheit (i.e., "Goes-in-tight")
---
Did Hitler wipe himself with his left or right hand?
Neither. He used toilet paper. He wasn't THAT crazy.
---
One day Hitler decided to go to a psychic an found to find out what
day he would die. After looking though her crystal ball, the psychic
replied, "Mein Fuhrer, you shall die on a Jewish Holiday." Hitler was
shocked! He said "Well which holiday is it?" The psychic replied
"Fuhrer, the day that you die will always be a Jewish Holiday."
---
And finally, what is the difference between Hitler and a Jockstrap?
One is a dictator, one is a dicktoter.
---
Two german people are ordering wyskies.
a few time later, The bartender is asking them :
"Dry Wiskies ?"
And the germans are answering :
" NEIN : ZWEI ! "
---
Well, there's this German in the USA who wants to get a hot dog, so he
goes "may I please hafe one of zeeese, pleeeze?" The hot dog guy
answers "o'course; here you are.." and so on. Then, when the German has
payed, the guy says "hey, you really speak a good English. How did you
learn it?" and the German answers: "It's easy: all I hafe to to is to
learn tventy-fife new vords each tay, zen it's one
hondert-ant-sefenty-fife new vords eatsch veeek. Now, I'fe peen
studying for 3 monzz, zo it's fife-hondert-ant-tventy-fife vords zat I
know!" The guy replies: "don't you feel a little confused with all
these new words to remember?" "No," answers the German, pointing to his
own head, "I'fe got zem all here in my ass!"
---
There is another German who is hungry, so he goes for the same hot dog
kiosk, thinking "hmmmm... Kartoffeln, Bratwurst, Frankfurter...." But
he does not speak good English, because he's only at his second day (=
50 words :) and so he checks his dictionary "let's see... hot... heiB..
ok... dog... WHAT? They eat dogs??" But he's too hungry and he's only
got 1 dollar, so there's not much he can afford. He gets the hot dog
and says "let me check which part of the dog I've got". He then opens
the bread to see..... and throws up.
---
What do you call a German who likes to drink beer?
A Nazi.
---
In the Zoo in Amsterdam a little bird is asking all kind of animals where they
planned to go for holiday:
The polar beer answered: "I go to the north pole".
The litlle bird asked: "Why do you go to the north pole ?"
"Well", the polar beer sayed, "I have a fat pelt, and also my wife and my
children."
The bird went to the donkey and asked the same. The donkey answered: "To
Belgium (Poland/Ireland for USA)."
After the bird asked "why", the donkey says: "Well, I am stupid, my wife is
stupid and also my children are stupid."
The bird went to the hippopotamus. The bird asked the hippo where he planned
his holiday. The hippo was glad to tell he is going to Germany. "Why Germany",
the little bird asked. The hippo answered: "Very simple, I have a big mouth,
and also my wife and my children have a big mouth !".
---
It's the days of trench warfare and the Brits and Germans have a stalemate. Both are held down in their bunkers.
The Brits decide that it's about time to formulate a cunning plan . . .
What they'll do is shout out a common German name like . . . Hans, wait for him to pop up and shoot him.
So they try:
B: Hans!
G: Ja!
KAPOW!!!! (scratch one)
B: Hans!
G: Ja!
KAPOW !!!
By the end of the day the Germans are getting sick of this. So they decide to use the Brit's strategy back on them except obviously using a British name, like Charles:
G: Charles!
B: Uh, Yes , is that you Hans?
G: Ja!
KAPOW !!!!
---
An old 2CV is having trouble with its motor and is stopped along a German hiway.Then a Porche passes and stops.
Porche:" Do you need a tow?"
2CV:" Yes, that would be nice."
Porche:"If I go to fast just honk your horn."
So off they go...
While driving on the hiway at 80 k's a Mercedes 600sec passes the Porche.
So the Porche is quite annoyed and gives her shit.
The Porche passes the Merc at 100k's.
Now the Merc thinks:" No way I am gonna let this happen!" and gives shit as
well.
The Merc passes the P. at 130 k's.
Now the Porche is really getting pissed and decides to give it all...
The same with the Merc...
By now they passed the 200k's speed and a policeman along the hiway.
So immediately the Policeman alarms his policemates:
"His is incredible: Just a moment ago a Merc passed at a speed of 235.
Then came a Porche sticking at its bumper. But the best is still to come:
a 2CV was tootering because it couldn't pass both of them!"
---
I was skiing in St. Moritz, and at the lift lines groups of young
German men/boys pushed ahead of everyone else. In the lines, I shoved
them back as hard as I could, but while I was literally knocking one
down, the others slipped by.
But I noticed they stopped dead behind a (British) fellow several
spots ahead of me.
I asked him his secret: he said he shamed them by stepping aside and
saying "Gehen Sie, Gehen Sie, wenn Sie unbedingt muessen oder wollen."
I tried it - it worked. I was happy.
Then I noticed little old German ladies _also_ pushing forward in
line. I didn't really want to get into a punching contest with
someone's grandmother, so when they got to me I stepped aside and said
"Gehen Sie, ..."
They said "Vielen Dank, lieber Herr," and stepped right ahead.
---
Joke from a High School German teacher:
Two bank robbers park their car on a slope and then go in and rob a bank
after they exit the bank the car rolls down the slope and kills them!
We didn't get it. She said we didn't understand "German humor".
---
And, finally, some reactions to these jokes:
Get lost you sick German bastard!!!
If you're not doing anything with that wall that came down in Berlin a few
years ago, could we have it in Holland to put it up at the border with the
G-country?
---
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING YOU MOTHER FUCKING DICK HEADS
IM GERMAN
---
> HEY THESE ARE FUNNY BUT THE FACT IS THAT THESE SHOULD BE DIRECTED TOWARDS
> NAZI AND NEO-NAZI...NUFF SAID
what's the difference?
Sorry, couldn't resist :-)
---
German 1: Knock! Knock!
German 2: Come in.
Demonstrating the fabulous German humour.
---
German Humor...
isn't that a contradiction in terms?
---
I don't know about German, but people from Thailand are weird.
----
Ruediger Mannert "I think I think,
man...@homunculus.ping.de therefore, I think I am."
(source unknown)
## CrossPoint v3.02 ##
Magnus Briem
: (in Germany - to keep the subject)
: 1- The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
: 2- about $5.65
And don't forget 3- You take out the pizza....
Greg Goebel
Hitler and Goering were arguing about the Jews, Goering stating that
they were quite clever people and Hitler vehemently denying they were
any such thing.
Finally Goering told Hitler that they could go out in the city and
Goering would show Hitler it was true. Hitler agreed, so they disguised
themselves and went out on the street.
Goering took Hitler into a shop, went up to the counter, and asked the
clerk: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?" The clerk stared at
Goering for a moment and then said no, mein herr, I do not.
The two left with Hitler complaining that he did not understand what the
point of this was and Goering telling him to be patient. They went to
another shop and Goering gave the same act: "Do you have any left-
handed teacups?" The clerk stared and shrugged his shoulders.
They left with Hitler becoming incensed over this nonsense and Goering
begging for patience. Finally they went into a Jewish shop; Goering
again asked the clerk: "Do you have any left handed teacups?"
The clerk smiled graciously, went into the back room and made a show
of rummaging around, brought out a saucer and teacup, set down the
saucer, and carefully placed the cup with the handle pointed so Goering
could pick it with his left hand. "There you are, mein herr!" the clerk
said.
Goering bought the teacup, thanked the clerk, and the two men left.
Goering turned to Hitler and said: "See, I told you the Jews were
very clever people."
"I don't see what was so clever about that," Hitler snapped. "He just
happened to have one in stock!"
I told this to my Jewish friend Ken Bronstein and he was quite amused by it.
-
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Stanley Brodt
Brecht Claerhout
On Tue, 27 Dec 1994, Stanley Brodt wrote:
> In article 2...@hplvec.lvld.hp.com, g...@lvld.hp.com (Greg Goebel) writes:
> > Oh, Herr Mannert, you forgot my absolute favorite Hitler Joke:
> >
> > Hitler and Goering were arguing about the Jews, Goering stating that
> > they were quite clever people and Hitler vehemently denying they were
> > any such thing.
> > ......
> >
> > "I don't see what was so clever about that," Hitler snapped. "He just
> > happened to have one in stock!"
> > I told this to my Jewish friend Ken Bronstein and he was quite amused by it.
Did you burn him afterward?
ek_mark_rubinsky
or do you bow to one on sunday brect(nice fuckin name)
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