Cononical List - Bobbitt Jokes

[Alan Hall]

Canonical List of Bobbitt Jokes
================================

BIG JOHN WAYNE bobbit

Big John was a lad of great lust
Had a wife who was filled with distrust
One night while he slept
With a knife, in she crept
As a lover Big John's now a bust.

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Lorena wished John could be nicer
But he wasn't much of a de-icer
If she finds a new spouse
Let us hope he's no louse
Or we might have our first serial slicer

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Big John Bobbitt might have been hipper
Had he kept his hot hands from his zipper
But to his wifey's dismay
Big John leaped to the fray
The results would have pleased Jack the Ripper.

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A surgeon was filled with great tension
Trying to sew on a thing we can't mention
He stitched and he sewed
Used all the skills that he knowed
But the wee thing won't stand at attention.

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There once was a man from Manassas
Who was fond of sleeping with lasses
His wife had enough
So she chopped off his stuff
Now let's see him try to make passes.

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There once was a place in Virginia
Where a gal snipped it off like a zinnia
She whipped back the sheets
Ignored his sad bleats
And attacked like a professional ninja.

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Have you heard of the outrage so heinous
that it brought bitter tears to dame Venus?
But 'twas neither the knife,
nor the knave, nor the wife
But the wags who were really obscenest.

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There once was a Bobbitt named John
Who thaught he was quite the Don Juan
His wife disagreed
So the next time he wee'd
John couldn't locate his wand.
(or Don couldn't locate his Juan.)

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There once was a lady named Bobbitt
Who got so fed up that she lopped it
She said, "I'm sorry honey,
But your conducts not funny."
And she very effectively stopped it.

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There once was a woman named Bobbitt
Who's innocence, her husband did rob it.
So she grabbed hold of his dick,
and went <snick> <snick> <snick>
And out her car window she lobbed it.

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Lorena wished John could be nicer
But he wasn't much of a de-icer
If she finds a new spouse
Let us hope he's no louse
Or we might have our first serial slicer.

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A surgeon was filled with great tension
Trying to sew on a thing we can't mention
He stitched and he sewed
Used all the skills that he knowed
But the wee thing won't stand at attention.

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John Bobbitt was never a loner
In fact, he was known as a roamer
His wife seized his prize
And cut him to size
Now he is his own organ donor.

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There once was a crime most venal
One might say 'twas inches form renal
It wasn't for sport
That she made him so short
Her intentions were nothing but penal.

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The Bobbitt case sure is a dilly
Though it sounds just a little bit silly
He said "She's the hacker
Who lopped off my whacker",
She said she was trying to Free Willy.

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John Bobbitt's detractors will scoff
for it seems the judgements been soft
He's been retrofitted
and now he's aquitted
that's the last time he ever gets off.

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A much-abused lady named Bobbitt
Said unto her husband, please stop it
Or I'll draw my stiletto
And chop down your palmetto
And see just how far I can lob it.

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Sweet Lorena did not use precision
The darkness, she said, hindered vision
She jumped on the bed
And gave husband John
An un-vounteered circumcision.

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Big John B. was a creep, don't ya' know,
Whose wife gave him a horrible blow
Now the people he meets
As he walks down the streets
Say, "John Bobbit? That old sew-and-sew."

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Searching for this man's thing does not tickle us
It was somewhere 'round here
That she threw this man's gear
But to us the whole think is ri-dick-ulus.

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Was the womans name "Bobbitt", or does that just describe what she did?

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I hear John Bobbitt is on a new weight loss program. Jeah, so far
he's lost 12 inches.

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The Bobbit affair gives whole new meaning to the expression
"wacking off".

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The reason Lorena Bobbitt preaded "Not Guilty" in court, is that she
clains her husband, John, asked to be "Wacked Off'.

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The policeman who was sent out to retrieve the severed organ returned an
said "I don't know if it's the right one, but it fits the description".

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The rumor is that Mrs. Bobbit will be released, as the evidence won't
stand up in court.

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What did Lorena Bobbitt say about a recent smowstorm??
There's six inches on the ground.

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What did John say to Lorena after the deed wans done?
No hard feelings.

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This is a real-life quip from a reporter as John Bobbitt walked into
the courthouse. He said "Hey John, how's it hanging".

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What they didn't tell you when the penis struck the oncomming
cars windshield -

"Gawd, did you see the dick on that bug ???"

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Variation on the above:

Two little old ladies happened to be in the car following Lorena as
she threw the severed penis out of the window, and it actually bounced
off their winshield before landing on the road.

At this point one of the ladies turned to the other and asked,

"Did you see the dick on that bug ???"

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What did Mr. Bobbit say when he was propositioned by a hooker?
Sorry, I'm a little short this week.

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How is Mr. Bobbit like my favorite operating system?
They're both UNIX (eunuchs).

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Mrs. Bobbit will be let out of jail for the Christmas holidays
on the condition she dosen't hang any balls on the Christmas tree.

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What was Lorena thinking when she did the dastardly deed?
1. Spot must be hungry by now.
2. Would that be considered as lean or regular?
3. That reminds me, I should water the lawn.
4. These butter knives aren't good for anything.
5. <Slice> They don't make them like they used to.

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Mrs. Bobbit is dating a golf pro... Nothing sexual, she just wants
to improve her slice.

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I heard, thou, that she actually was looking forward to going to
prision, so she could join the prison golf team so she could work
on her slice.

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Have you heard about the new John Bobbit doll.... Some assembly required

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The John Bobbitt porno version of the Addams Family, brings a whole
new meaning to the character "Thing".

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Human society is made up "Hunters" and "Gatherers". After the attack,
John Bobbitt became both.

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The John Bobbitt theme song...
"Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner".
or.. "Every Time You Go Away, You Take A Piece Of Me With You".
or.. "Why Not Take All of Me"
or.. "50 ways to cleave your lover"

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A good friend of mine and I were discussing the Bobbit case, and I came
to realize what a true romantic he is, 'cause I said, "Well I guess that
is the end of the Bobbit Marriage." And he said "No they might get back
together, maybe it was only a 'Trial Separation'". Now he is sure that
they will get back together, since we hear that John B. dosen't have
any Hard Feelings.

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How would John B. sleep if he and Lorena ever got back together??
On his stomach.

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What do you call a guy that has lost 90% of his intelligence??
John Bobbitt.

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The new Ginsu knife commercial, cuts through a tin can and is still
sharp, cuts through John Bobbitt and is still sharp.

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I hear Lorena's going to do an infomercial about Ginsu knives.

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Did you hear that John Bobbitt quit his job??
Yeah...... I guess he just wasn't cut out for it.

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Did you hear that John Bobbitt will be posing for a spread in Playgirl..
Yeah...... He will appear on page 20, continued on page 24

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John was asked by a reporter how he felt after the attack.
His response was "Light-headed".

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Any truth to the rumor that Lorena Bobbit is about to start stumping
for tougher domestic violence laws??

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New book just out.. "The Bobbit", by P.P.S. Taken, a book about
shorting people.

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What new proceedure did surgeons try out on Mr. Bobbitt??
Addadictomy!

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What is purple and commutes??
John Bobbitts penis.

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Hey, I heard they are going to take the whole Bobbit thing and make it
into a made for tv movie.

What are they going to call it??

Free Willy
Gone With the Wand
The Silence of the Loins
The Dong of the South
Indecent Disposal
Lorena Scissorhands
Cocktail
Save Willy

also suggested are:

Honey, I cut it off
The sum also rises
manicurist from Hell
The razors edge
The unkindest cut of all
Love hurts
Moby Dick (abridged version)
Foot loose and other extremities
Don't bite off more than you can chew
Two balls, one out, and nobody on
What's up doc
Funny Girl
To have and to have not
Apocylopse Ow
Blade Runner II
For members only
Lorenas work-out and quick weight loss program (for men)

also suggested are:

White man can't hump
Lost that lovin feeling
Frankenpenis
A sequal to "The Piano" called "The Organ"
Raiders of the Lost Part
Much Ado About Nothing
Remake of The Color Purple
Half Gun, Will Travel
Leave it To Cleaver
Gone in 60 Seconds.

And my PERSONAL FAVORITE,

Meatless in Manassas

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In her latest movie, Lorena Bobbit goes around "maliciously wounding"
a whole bunch of men, throwing their members into the same clearing
in the woods.

It's called "Field of Creams".

She keeps hearing a voice in her head "If you cut it, they won't cum".

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I don't know what all the fuss is over a Bobbitt movie anyway. All
the good parts end up on the cutting room floor.

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Did you know that Lorena Bobbit works with Computers??
She hacks eunuchs (Unix) for a living.

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The next guy who dates Lorena needs to have a huge set of brass balls,
and an armor plated condom.

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John Bobbitt is going to start a foundation for fellow sufferers of his
pecilier affliction. Their motto....

Eunuchs of the world unite, you have nothing to lose.

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When asked in the office this morning
What is the Bobbit Weave??

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I answered:
The medical proceedure for which John Wayne Bobbit will always
be re-membered.

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Lorena Bobbits lawyers will try to use a little known legal technicality
to get their client of... It's called the Peter Principal.

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At Lorena Bobbits trial, she admitted that she DID want sex the night of
of the 'crime', but she wanted it TO GO.

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Lettermans top 10 list from 01/13/94
Quotations from the Lorena Bobbit trial:
10. Who ordered the Diet Slice.
9. Could your honor instruct juror #4 to stop giggling.
8. Mr. Bobbitt, will you please rise.
7. I paid $500.00 for this ticket, now dammit, I want to see
Striesand sing.
6. What's Andrew Guiliani doing here.
5. 1 million Dollars, all you gotta do is say you used a Ginsu.
4. Mr. Bobbitt, I'm with the velcro Corp, and we have and idea
for an ad.
3. If President Clinton were here I bet he'd be eating fries.
2. No, I said put your HAND on the bible.
1. Look out! Lorena's got the gavel.

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More Things heard at the Bobbit trial

"Look out! She's got the knife."

"Their relationship has been severed."

"Is this covered under the health care plan, or can he sue for
medical bills?"

"I'll have a Slice, please."

"She brings new meaning to the phrase 'Bad to to Bone'"

"She said she ordered sex 'TO GO'."

"Who's buying? I'm a little short."

"They're serving beanie weenies for lunch."

"I think Joan Severance will play Mrs. Bobbit in the movie."

"The only thing around here that's hung is the jury."

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When John Bobbitt dates women do you think he tells them that he
is unattached?

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What do you get when you cross Lorena Bobbitt with Tanya Harding ???
I don't know, but I wouldn't want to date it.

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Lorena and Tanya are going to form the newest "American Gladiators"
tag team, otherwise known as ...

SLASH 'n' BASH

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It seems the Bobbitt incident was all a misunderstanding. Lorena was
upset about how her husband was treating her and asked a counselor what
she should do. The counselor suggested that she might "try a separation".

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Guess who is the new product spokesman for Sears snap-on tools?
John.

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Lorena was charged with one count of malicious injury and one count of
highway littering.

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Lorena didn't want to have sex, she got cocky and left.

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You know, it's a good thing the police were able to locate Big John B's
severed member. Can you imagine a picture of it being on every Milk
carton in the country???

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Now that other women will surely imitate Lorena, we are pleased to
offer the Jurassic Prick program. We take a sample of DNA from your
organ and clone it, so you could quickly have a replacement in case
the organ is not found after detachment. For a cheaper alternative,
we will print a unique serial number so that in case the object in
question is found on a highway you could be sure that it is yours.

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How do you kill John Bobbitt???
I don't know, but one piece at a time dosen't work.

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Lorenas activities have opened up a whole new gamut of new career
possibilities:
pickle slicer
asparagus harvester
Rabbi
cook at Benihanas
peperoni slicer at a pizza parlor
spokesperson for Ginsu knives
(It's the tripple decker pecker wrecker, is slices and dices,
it circumsizes and jullianes.)
circumcision surgeon.

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Whats the difference between Lorena Bobbitt and Bob Barker??
Bob Barker is a Slick Pricer.
One advocates neutering.

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There is no way that Lorena WON'T go to jail. From what I've heard
it's a well HUNG jury.

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We understand the Lorena has become quite a clebrity at the Local
restaurants in Manassas, Va. It seems she gives big tips.

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How cruel this whole affair is, John B. is a shell of a man. He has
a penis that no longer functions normally, He may nnever have sex
again.

At least that Bitch from Hell will never have sex again either.
Can you Imagine Lorena at a singles bar??

Hello, my name's Lorena Bobbitt, what's yours.
Reply: "AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH" (sound of footsteps heading for the door).

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I heard he punishment could be anything from deportation to 20 years
in a PENAL institution.

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Whats the difference between John Bobbitt and a hot dog??
About 6 inches.

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Here are a few for the chess players in the group:

I hear that John and Lorena Bobbit used to play quite a bit of chess.
Apparently, John was the better player, but he was always forced to
accept a draw because he didn't have mating material.

Lorena was able to beat John, but only after she used the
Petr-off opening.

And... tired of being pinned in the end, she found it best to remove
the piece that was forking her.

Also, when playing the King's Indian, she was able to cut off his
long diagonal with sharp moves.

That'll teach him to try and force mate!

Apparently they were sticklers for the rules: once Lorena forgot to
say "j'adoube" and had to remove a piece and forfeit their relationship.

"Play the board, not The Man" --John Bobbit

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There were two disk jockeys in Norfolk, Va. who went to the first
couple of days of the Bobbitt trial. Anyway, before the trial began
they gave away hotdogs and a can of slice for free, and if you could
not eat the whole thing, they would cut it in half for you.

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I hear that John was right in the middle of testifying in court when
Lorena stod up and cut him off.

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What did Michael Jackson say to John Bobbitt??
Silly Bobbitt, Dicks are for Kids.

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actually the court experts predicted that the jury would go soft on her,
and that John would be the one that would never get off.

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Why is John Bobbitt afraid to go to the movies??
He's afraid they will ask to see his stub.

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The official medical term used for what she did is Clipadicfromhe,
or in some areas, Wankerectomy.

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John Bobbitt is suffering from PMS - Penis Missing Syndrome.

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"Oh, I went around with him for a while, but I cut it off" Lorena B.

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What did Lorena tell her husband after the deed was done??
I have matters well in hand.

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The Boy Scouts are now going around with 12" kitchen knives, knocking
on peoples doors, It's Bobbitt job week. (Whatever that means).

(apparantly it is a tradition in the UK for scouts to go
around neighborhoods fundraising doing small tasks for
a bob-a-job, a bob being a schilling, or 5 new pence)

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After the trial is over (assuming she won't have to spend too much
time in the slammer), Lorena will be joining the American Gladiators
with the name "Blade".

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I can't velieve Lorena actually got off. Can't say the same for John
though. The jury went really soft on her.

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Did you here that John Bobbitt is changing his name to avoid the
publicity??
Yeah, he's changing it to Les Johnson.
or maybe Les Manley.

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The defense clain was that Lorena had been abused by Johns penis,
and so was temporarly insane when she lopped it off and tossed it
beside the road.

Anyway she didn't gat of totally free, yet. Guilty by reason of
insanity, the jury said, so they are sending her to a state
institution at Petersburg, Virginia for an evaluation.

What's next, if this dosen't work? Maybe they can send her to
Coxtown, or Dicksburg, or Pricksville.

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You remember all those great Hits from the Bobbits --
Mac the knife,
Love Hurts,
Cuts like a knife,
Don't leave him standing,
Save the last slice for me,
My Ding-a-Ling,
.... and many more.

Well, now you can get them all, for only $19.95 in this
new collection from K-TEL.

Operators are standing by. If you order immediately, we
will throw in one extra, suprize cut!

Call Now!

(Co-Sponsored by Ginsu)

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Lorena's Song:

Symphony of Castration
(as sung to the tune of Megadeth's _Symphony of Destruction_)

You take a mortal man,
And put him in control
Watch him rape his wife,
Watch his 'little' head a-roll

(Chorus)
Just like Lorena Bobbit,
You got the last laugh
You went psycho with the Ginsu
Swingin it to the Symphony
Of Castration.

Actin' like a victim,
Your sanity corrodes.
Your defense makes its plea,
Before the judge explodes

Chorus, leads in to kooky guitar solo

The court starts to rumble,
The gavel falls.
A-warrin' for a willy,
A pee-pee won't stand tall.

Chorus, leading to finale.

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Sing to the tune of "Lizzie Borden took an axe" -

Lorena Bobbitt took an knife,
she never ment to take his life,
and when her dirty deed was done,
he couldn't count to twenty-one.

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Well, by now, everybody must have heard about Mr and Mrs Bobbit in the good
ol' U.S. of A. I was listing to the radio on Tuesday morning when I heard a
song dedicated to these two persons. If you know the Paul Simon song "50 ways
to leave your lover", then sing the song to yourself, but replace the words
with those below.
Enjoy ;)

The problem was she didn't
like the way you run her life
And that she wants to find some way
to end all of this strif,
And since the day the man stood
And pronounced you man and wife
she's dreamt of 50 ways to cleave her lover.

She's lain awake at night
And thought of what she'd do
Practiced on root vegetables
And now my boy it's true
That tonight it's not a carrots turn
It's time that she showed you
50 ways to cleave her lover

50 ways to cleave her lover

Chorus:
She could cut off your *@!#% , Mick
Hack off your old boy , Roy
Snip off your *@!#% , Bob
And set herself free.
Whip off your *"!#% , Jock
She won't leave you with much , Bud
She'll chop down your tree , Lee
And set herself free.

{Repeat Chorus.}

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Seen on page 1 of one of the nations leading newspapers:

as first printed: after hasty editing:

B O B B I T T B O B B I T T
A slice of America A slice of America
Women grab onto a Debate rages over a
powerful new symbol powerful new symbol

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--

** --------------------------------------------------------------------------
** Alan R. Hall ar...@netcom.com
** (408) 448-5615 (home)
** (415) 725-4532 (work) A Penny saved is a Congressional oversight
** --------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Chris Wysocki]

In article <arh00CK...@netcom.com>, ar...@netcom.com (Alan Hall) writes:
>
> Canonical List of Bobbitt Jokes
> ================================
>

... list deleted for brevity

> --
>
> ** --------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ** Alan R. Hall ar...@netcom.com
> ** (408) 448-5615 (home)
> ** (415) 725-4532 (work) A Penny saved is a Congressional oversight
> ** --------------------------------------------------------------------------

--

Here's one I heard over the weekend:

Q: What did Jeffrey Daumer say to Lorena Bobbitt?

A: You gonna eat that?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Chris Wysocki | "Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he
Data Life Associates | can get away with it. No citizen has a
| moral obligation to assist in maintaining
wys...@datalife.com | the government." -- J. P. Morgan

[CHRISTOPHER HOLLAND KING]

--

Being from Milwaukee, we have to defend our own. It's Jeffery Dahmer,
not Daumer.

CHK
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