Bathroom Graffiti
Kirby
All right, you asked for some graffiti...
Some people come to sit and think.
Others come to shit and stink.
I come here to rest my balls and
Read the words upon the walls.
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
The painters work is all in vain
The shithouse poet strikes again
To the shithouse poet
When he should die,
There should be erected,
Broad and high,
For his cunning
And for his wit,
A solid monument of shit.
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted
(response)
Better that
Than take a chance,
Costs more than a dime
To launder pants.
(response)
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!
Here I sit
And contemplate.
Should I shit
Or masturbate?
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...
People who write on bathroom walls
Roll their shit into little balls.
Those who read their words of wit,
Eat those little balls of shit.
Sign over a urinal:
Don't eat the big mint...it's been kinda' sour the last couple times!
(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the Hillsboro Fire Department want's
you.
(written high upon the wall above a urinal)
Don't look up here, the joke's in your hand.
Sign over a urinal:
Attention, <ethnic group>, the rock candy in the urinals is NOT for you.
There's no use standing on the seat.
The crabs in here can jump 6 feet.
There's no use going in the one next door.
The ones in there jump 6 foot four.
I do not like this place at all:
The seat is too high and the hole is too small.
[In another handwriting]
You open yourself to a simple retort:
Your ass is too big and your legs are too short.
Don't throw toothpicks in the urinals; crabs pole-vault!
Written on one of the condom vending machines:
For refund, insert baby.
In the engineering building, in small print low on the wall in the front
of the stall so you had to lean forward to read it:
You are now shitting at a 45 degree angle.
Sure enough, he was right.
"Here I sat to take a dump.
Out it squirmed, a greasy lump.
Greenish-black, like melting tar
Or oil from an old used car.
It floats a moment, then it sinks.
My chunky cable - how it stinks!
My ass cheeks tremble, my sphincter sighs,
And cramps of exhaustion clench my thighs.
I weep with pride at my slimy shit,
And ROB is the name I give to it!"
- Lord Byron
What does toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common?
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
here I sit
arms enfolding
my melting body.
I'm wondering of you
as I slowly become one
with the chair that holds me.
Here I Sit
----------
(as I slowly become one / with the chair that holds me)
:1:
Here I sit down, broken-hearted
Trying to push a yet unstarted
Poem into bright creation -
Oh, the pains of constipation!
Hours have passed, I've merely parted
Rump cheeks and effetely farted
Those weak blasts of wind excluded
Nothing concrete has extruded!
Other assholes far more shitten
In their time have poems written
Am I such a fucked up nerd
That can't shit a single turd?
:2:
As I sit disgorging vapour
My pen rests on toilet paper
Spreading ink out from its tip -
Till the fragile sheets will rip,
And create a sphinctral fissure
Which the pen, with lightest pressure,
Will advance through, triumphally
... deepening my melancholy.
Save me lord from poet's clog!
Spare me this cramped stinky bog!
This unending waiting on
A clammy bum-unfriendly john!
:3:
No! I will not sit and mope!
Yes! I'll sit, with rumbling hope
To my tum a glow imparting,
Wishing shitting, faintly farting,
Till my muse gets off her butt
And proceeds to squeeze my gut -
Then will plop a finely worded
Poem, goldenly bemerded,
In a blaze of spice (and fury
of the evening's hot tandoori
chicken ...) and in one grand motion
I'll have spewed my gut-emotion!
:Epilogue:
So I *will* sit, spouting gas
Even if, in hours that pass,
Crap coats brain and blood runs shitten -
I won't rise till something's written!
Sticker attached to electric hand-dryer in public restroom:
Push button for a message from Congress.
"I feel so strongly about toilet graffiti, I signed a partition." :-)
Imagine you are reading this as you are trying to take a dump...
Eat shit! 1.9 trillion flies (estimated population of flies) can't be
ALL wrong.
If black is beautiful, I just shit a masterpiece.
Nixon did for America what pantyhose did for finger fucking...
Don't throw cigarette butts in the urinal, as it makes them soggy and
hard to light.
In days of old
When men were bold
And toilets weren't invented
Men left their load
Upon the road
And walked away contented
As you sit to take a shit
Rest a while and think a bit.
The last time that I beat my meat,
Was on this very toilet seat.
They paint these walls to cover my pen,
but the shithouse poet has struck again.
In case of nuclear war, hide in the urinal. Nobody ever hits 'em
anyway.
The angle of the dangle is in direct proportion to the heat of the meat
and the mass of the ass.
Sign over urinal in mens room in Cambridge, Mass. bar near Harvard:
We don't sell our beer, we just rent it.
Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.
Fart loud if you love Jesus!
Everybody pisses on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.
Life is like a shit sandwich.
The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
This is a teepee for your peepee
Not a wigwam to beat your tomtom!
(written above a urinal)
Why are you looking up here?
Are you ashamed of it?
Please do not bite the woodwork while straining.
Why do turds taper?
To prevent your ass from snapping shut with a bang.
Written at the bottom of the toilet stall:
Beware of gay limbo dancers!
Alas poor Yorlik, I knew him backwards.
Virginity is like a bubble in the mainstream of life:
one prick and it's gone forever!
Sometimes I wish I was
What I was when
I wished I was
What I am now.
If your hose is too short,
Or your pump is too weak,
You'd better stand close,
Or you'll piss on your feet!
Zappa
All right, you asked for some graffiti...
I saw this gem written on the mens room wall of a truck stop in Ohio:
Here I sit
On this pooper
Giving birth
To a new state trooper
........Scott.........
Za...@tiac.net
"Don't you be terrified, it's just a token of my extreme"
..................................................Frank Zappa - 1979