Armageddon! The fart you'll never forget!

[Dennis Granger]

Actually from the LA Times

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out
'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but
he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match,
thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewki's hair and severely burning his face. It
also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken
nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second
degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

(These are the top 10 things that were sent to me with the story)

O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me most in reading this story:

10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum. . . " Ouch!!!

9) "So I peered into the tube. . ." Aaaaahhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like
looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare
at the sun.

8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot
out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.

7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's
anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime
fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love".

6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their
rectums.

5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a
story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex friends breaking into my
house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the
truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor
and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot
and we took this cardboard tube...."

4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one
ever take a healthy shit after something like this? And the smell of
burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of
God's green earth.

3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic
white men who insert rodents uo their butts."

2) What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those mormons?
I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

[Scott Eiler]

The story about two men, a gerbil, and Armageddon, the Fart of Doom is
apparently an urban legend according to alt.folklore.urban .

Scott Eiler B{D> -------- http://www.ultranet.com/~seiler

Solution to Last Issue's Puzzler:

Penelope is correct, because only the top and bottom quarks are kosher.

-- From the Annals of Improbable Research.

[Arthur Cox]

In a related vein..

What do you call two gay guys back to back?

A habitrail!