Gay Jokes
G - P
Two gay men are walking along, and are checking out this guy across the
street.
"Hey, I know that guy! He's HOT!"
"No shit..."
"Well, hardly any."
-= gay humor =-= 2
When the next earthquake strikes San Francisco, why will the gay men be the
first to evacuate?
They've already got their shit packed.
-= gay humor =-= 3
Why don't blondes wear mini-skirts in San Francisco?
Because their balls hang out!
-= gay humor =-= 4
Did you heard about the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped a woman
on the street?
Well, two held the woman while the third one did her hair.
-= gay humor =-= 5
If two lesbians and two fags leave New York for San Francisco, who gets
there first?
The lesbians. While they are doing 69, the fags are still packing their
shit! or
The lesbians, who go lickety split while the fags are still packing their
shit!
-= gay humor =-= 6
What is the most common phrase uttered in a San Francisco gay bar?
Hi, can I push in your stool?
-= gay humor =-= 7
Why don't San Franciscans eat gerbils?
Because they can't get their legs far enough apart.
-= gay humor =-= 8
How do you get four gay men on a barstool?
Turn it upside down.
-= gay humor =-= 9
Did you hear about the gay who got fired from the Sperm Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.
-= gay humor =-= 10
Why did the homosexual leave home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.
Why did he come back?
He couldn't stand to leave his brother's behind.
-= gay humor =-= 11
What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common?
If the rubber breaks, they're both in the shit!
-= gay humor =-= 12
Two condoms were walking along the street, when they passed a gay bar. The
first said to the second, "Want to go in and get shit-faced?"
-= gay humor =-= 13
A bartender in a gay bar was getting ready to close for the night when a
robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender,
"This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"
The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids!
I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and
says, "Alright, now give me a blowjob!"
"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"
The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops
the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back
to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk
in!"
-= gay humor =-= 14
A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering
numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy
admitted that he was.
"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could kill a
man?"
"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days."
-= gay humor =-= 15
What do lesbians like more than Levi Jeans?
Billy Jeans.
-= gay humor =-= 16
Did you hear about the two lesbians who were building a house together?
There were no studs in the house at all, just tongue-in-groove!
-= gay humor =-= 17
Liberace was great on the piano...
But sucked on the organ.
Did you hear they were re-opening the case regarding Liberace's death?
They found the asshole that killed him!
Why did Liberace's doctor give him 6 more weeks to live?
The gerbil came out and saw his shadow.
-= gay humor =-= 18
What did River Phoenix and Rock Hudson have in common.
They both got a hold of some bad crack.
-= gay humor =-= 19
Did you hear about the new Rock Hudson jeans?
The zipper is in the back.
-= gay humor =-= 20
Three male friends were in a bar one evening bragging about exploits and
abilities. The conversation finally turned to a comparison of genital
endowment. To prove their cases the three men placed said topics of
conversation on the bar for measurement.
Just then, another male patron, who preferred sexual partners of the same
gender, entered the bar and noticed the competition. The bartender asked the
man, "What'll ya have?"
The man replies, "Well, I was going to have a beer but I think I'll have the
buffet instead."
-= gay humor =-= 21
A woman brings a guy home from a bar and tells him, "We must hurry and get
on with it, my husband will be home soon."
"How soon?" asks the guy.
"Don't tell me you're gay!!" yells the woman.
-= gay humor =-= 22
Four gay men were sitting in a hot tub when a blob of semen rose to the
surface.
One of the men said, "Alright, who farted?"
-= gay humor =-= 23
This gay fellow was looking in a sex shop window. He saw a large rubber cock
that appealed to him, so he went inside. He told the clerk, pointing to the
big dildo, "I'll take that one."
"Should I wrap it or just put it in a bag?" asked the clerk.
"Neither," replied the customer, "I'll just eat it right here."
-= gay humor =-= 24
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a homosexual?
A megasoreass.
-= gay humor =-= 25
This gay guy visit his doctor and says, "Uh doc, I've got something up my
ass that isn't supposed to be there."
The doctor says, "Alright, drop your pants and lets take a look." (snaps on
gloves and feels around) "Hmm, everything is all right here."
The gay guy says, "No, it's a bit higher up."
The doctor pushes his hand further in and then says, "Hmm, still nothing."
The gay guy replies, "A bit further."
The doctor presses his hand further in and says, "Why yes, there is
something here... Ouch...what's that....a rose?"
To which the gay guy replies, "Yes, it's for you."
-= gay humor =-= 26
What do doctors do with the skins after a circumcision?
They sell them to gays for gum.
-= gay humor =-= 27
When a man and woman get married, they get a marriage license. What do
lesbians need?
A licker license.
-= gay humor =-= 28
A farmer walks into a city bar for the first time. He encounters a very nice
looking woman, and asks her out. She tells him she's a lesbian. He doesn't
know what a lesbian is, so she tells him, "You see that woman over there?"
(points to a beautiful woman)
"Yeah."
"Well, I want to get her into bed."
The farmer stops, and thinks for a few seconds, then says, "Well, heck, I
guess I'm a lesbian, too!"
-= gay humor =-= 29
How does a gay man fake an orgasm?
He pulls out and spits on his partner's back.
-= gay humor =-= 30
How can you tell if you've just walked into a gay church?
Only half the congregation is kneeling.
-= gay humor =-= 31
If you get malaria from mosquitoes and lime disease from ticks, what do you
get AIDS from?
Asshoppers.
-= gay humor =-= 32
What is the first symptom of AIDS infection?
A pounding sensation in your rear.
-= gay humor =-= 33
Did you hear about the lesbian swimmer who was thrown out of the Olympics?
She kept lapping the other swimmers.
-= gay humor =-= 34
This guy goes into a bar and asks for 6 shots of the strongest booze the
bartender has. The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, what's wrong?"
The guy says, "I just found out my brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy goes in again and asks for 8 shots. Again, the
bartender asks what's wrong. The guy says that he found out that his son is
gay. Yet the next day, the guy goes up to the bartender again and asks for
15 shots.
"Damn," the bartender says, "doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah," says the man, "my wife!"
-= gay humor =-= 35
What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
At a straight rodeo, they yell "Ride that sucker!"
-= gay humor =-= 36
Did you hear about the gay indian?
He was a brave sucker!
-= gay humor =-= 37
What happens if you spend the night in a gay bar?
You will wake up with a queer taste in your mouth.
-= gay humor =-= 38
What do you call tuna fish in a lesbian bar?
Potpourri.
-= gay humor =-= 39
Now that it's alright for gays to be in the military, I guess there will be
a whole new meaning when the sarge tells his troops, "Alright boys, bring it
up the rear!"
-= gay humor =-= 40
A homosexual walks into a butcher shop and asks for a salami, so the butcher
asks whether he would like his salami sliced or whole. "Of course I want it
whole!" the homo says, "does my ass look like a piggy bank to you?"
-= gay humor =-= 41
Why can't k.d.lang lose weight while wearing make-up?
Because she can't eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on her face at the same
time!
-= gay humor =-= 42
Little Johnny comes home all excited and tells his mother, "Mom, guess what?
In gym class today, I got laid for the first time!"
Little Johnny's mother got furious and tells him to go to his room and wait
there until his father gets home. When the father gets home, the mother
tells him, "You wouldn't believe what Johnny told me today. Go have a talk
with him." So the father goes into little Johnny's room and asks him, "Son,
what did you say to your mother that made her so upset?"
"Gosh," the kid says, "I just told her I got laid for the first time today."
The father tries to conceal his pride from the eleven-year-old and tells his
son, "This is a little secret we should keep just between us men, okay?"
"You mean it's alright then?" asks Johnny.
"No, I didn't say that. Just don't tell your mother," the father replies.
The next day, the boy comes home, doesn't say a word to his mother, and goes
straight into his room. When the father gets home, the mother asks him to
talk to the son because she senses that something is wrong.
The dad goes into Johnny's room and asks him, "What's wrong son? Your
mother's concerned. Did you get laid again today?"
"Are you crazy?" the boy says. "My ass still hurts from yesterday!!"
-= gay humor =-= 43
A man was talking with his wife one day. He says to her, "Honey, I have good
news and bad news. The bad news is that I'm a woman trapped in a man's
body."
His wife responds, "What could possibly be the good news?"
He says, "I'm gay."
-= gay humor =-= 44
This big football player goes into a gay bar looking for trouble. He rambles
up to the bar and orders a beer. A short gay guy asks the football player if
he's ever played barroom football (the football player is obviously wearing
a football jacket to give his identity away). The football player says he
has not, but that he can kick the shit out of any queer in football.
The little gay guy orders a mug of beer, downs it, slams the mug on the bar,
and says, "Touchdown, big boy."
The football player does likewise but finishes with, "Touchdown, faggot."
The gay guy pulls is pants down and takes a dump on the bar floor, pulls his
pants back up and says, "Extra point, big boy."
The football player rips his pants down and, suddenly, the gay guy is
scrambling up behind him screaming, "Block that kick!"
-= gay humor =-= 45
What kind of a marriage license do lesbians need?
A lick-her license.
-= gay humor =-= 46
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
See you next month.
-= gay humor =-= 47
What is a lesbian recruit?
A wacs fruit.
-= gay humor =-= 48
What is the difference between a lesbian and a triscuit?
A triscuit is a snack cracker.
-= gay humor =-= 49
What do lesbians and mechanics have in common?
They both use snap-on tools.
-= gay humor =-= 50
Why is Billy Jean King so good at tennis?
Because she swings both ways.
-= gay humor =-= 51
A man came out of a bar with a black eye. "All I did," he explained, "was
ask this gal in this lesbian bar if she'd like to get something straight
between us!"
-= gay humor =-= 52
A man walks into a bar and sees a very sexy woman. He tells the bartender to
buy her a drink. The bartender warns him that she's a lesbian but the man
says he doesn't care.
"Okay..." says the bartender.
The lady gets the drink and walks over to him. "Would you like to see my
tits" she purrs to him.
"Sure." replies the man. The lady shows him her breasts, then leaves. He
sends her another drink. No sooner had he finished sending it to her than
she came back and said, "Want to see my ass?"
"Sure." he says. She does, then she leaves.
He decides to send her one last drink and when she comes back over, she
says, "Want to smell some pussy?"
"Sure!" he says. So she breathes on him!
-= gay humor =-= 53
In the female penitentiary cafeteria, how do they serve a tuna fish
sandwich? Bread on an empty plate (tomato juice optional 3 weeks a month).
-= gay humor =-= 54
The definition of a lesbian?
Just another damn woman trying to do a man's job.
-= gay humor =-= 55
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
One less than men would take.
or
One to do it and the other to complain about men.
or
One, but they prefer to do it together.
-= gay humor =-= 56
Why is lesbian sex taboo in society?
Men don't like women giving lip.
-= gay humor =-= 57
Did you hear about the Polish lesbian?
She went down on men.
-= gay humor =-= 58
Two college women were engaging in oral 69 as the dorm mother watched
through the keyhole. She rapped sharply on the door and called, "Girls, are
you doing something I shouldn't know about?" "No," one replied, "but you'll
never know about it like we do!"
-= gay humor =-= 59
Why did the lesbian feminist at the university date men?
She wanted to lick them in bed too.
-= gay humor =-= 60
Why do lesbians wear crotchless panties?
They want fast food.
-= gay humor =-= 61
Why did the lesbian put a candle in her navel?
So her lover could eat by candlelight.
-= gay humor =-= 62
A woman was caught by her husband masturbating while looking at lesbian
porno. "Why look at that stuff?" her angry husband asked.
"It is so beautiful to see women making love!" she exclaimed.
"Well, take one look in the mirror and see why I always screw you doggie
style!"
-= gay humor =-= 63
What is the ultimate in confusion?
Fifteen blind lesbians at a fish market.
-= gay humor =-= 64
Why do lesbians suck tits before going down?
They have to bring milk to pussy.
-= gay humor =-= 65
Why don't men like to eat pussy as much as women?
They leave fish for the table.
-= gay humor =-= 66
Why do lesbians shrug off christianity?
They get born again every night.
-= gay humor =-= 67
"My wife and I split up because we have too much in common."
"Is that so?" asked the bartender. "Yup, we both eat pussy!" -= gay humor
=-= 68
What do you call a lesbian eskimo?
A klondyke.
-= gay humor =-= 69
How can you tell a lesbian bar?
The pool table has no balls but plenty of holes.
-= gay humor =-= 70
What is a lesbian bunkbed?
The two levels are only 6 inches apart and have 2 holes.
-= gay humor =-= 71
What do they do at a lesbian wedding?
After saying their vows, the preacher helps one stand on her head to kiss
the bride.
-= gay humor =-= 72
Two lesbians are taking a bath together. The first one asks, "Where's the
soap?"
The second one replies, "Yes it does, doesn't it?"
-= nuns =-= 73
----- Two lesbians are cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says,
"I've never come this way before."
The second one replies, "Must be the cobblestones."
-= gay humor =-= 74
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay. But it won't
do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do
you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I
have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
-= gay humor =-= 75
Why did the woman go gay after 3 marriages to men?
She was tired of all cock and no action.
-= gay humor =-= 76
What do the pink panther and a male prostitute have in common?
Both are peter sellers.
-= gay humor =-= 77
Did you hear about the new N.F.L franchise consisting of an all-gay roster?
they plan to be a real come-from-behind team.
-= gay humor =-= 78
Did you hear about the gay bank robber?
He tied up the safe and blew the guard.
-= gay humor =-= 79
Rules Of The Baths
People wearing jockstraps tend to make it with other people wearing
jockstraps.
Nobody makes it with people wearing pink bikinis.
You can have a heart attack fucking in the whirlpool.
It is *extremely* hazardous to your health to attempt to inhale poppers
while under water.
Saying "I'm resting" to everyone who seeks entry into your room defeats the
purpose of going to the baths.
If everyone who said "I don't come here often" was telling the truth, there
would be no one there.
Those who lay naked on their stomachs with their asses in the air remind one
of electric pencil sharpeners.
Conversation in the orgy room should be kept to a minimum. Grunts, groans,
notices that "I'm coming," and invitations to do it in a room instead are
acceptable; discussions of the weather, ex-lovers, favorite lubricants, the
quality of the darkness, and the pros and cons of cockrings are not.
If you are looking for a wonderfully spiritual union with a kindred spirit,
you are in the wrong place.
Do not assume that the guys walking into walls are on some weird new drug;
most likely, they have just left their glasses in their lockers. It is
better to look good than to see good.
Once in a while, do your good deed for the gay: let an old troll suck your
cock. Such magnanimous gestures are duly recorded by the great gay in the
sky and when you are an old troll, the favors will be returned in kind. Yes,
Virginia, that's the way it works.
Please realize that bathrooms, even those at the tubs, do have legitimate
purposes. Giving someone a blowjob in a cubicle while outside the locked
door seven guys are turning various shades of green will not make you
popular.
If you are tempted to wear a Lacoste shirt with your towel, understand that
many people would find it a capital offense.
Finish what you start.
If you see a man in a room with a can of Crisco, a thick belt, and a bottle
of poppers neatly arrayed on the little table, before entering, be certain
you know the purpose of all three items.
When it's past the wrist is not the time to say no.
It's okay to bring your own rope; it's not okay to tie yourself up.
Spending seventy-two consecutive hours at the tubs will neither destroy your
reputation nor greatly enhance it.
If you are at the baths busily cheating on your lover, don't make a scene
should you discover him there.
People who say "I've never done that before" should be informed that the
ability to deep throat is not genetic.
Those who lose the keys to their rooms or lockers are never heard from
again.
The law of increasing good looks: People tend to become more attractive the
longer you are there.
In the dark, all cats are gray, but ten inches is still better than six
inches.
Men with small cocks can be sexually tremendous if they are technically
proficient, but men with big dicks don't have to know a damn thing.
Doing it for England is a valid a reason for doing it as any.
A primitive tribe in Borneo does not have a word for "no" in its language.
Natives deny sexual favors by looking mournful and saying, "I'd like to but
I just came."
After you've been screwed by twelve guys in the orgy room, you will never
again convince anyone with your coy routine.
Asking to borrow someone's cockring is even more tasteless than asking to
borrow someone's comb.
Law of maximum discomfort: When they call your room number or locker number
to the front desk, you will inevitably be in a position impossible to get
out of quickly without seriously injuring yourself.
You can cause a panic by yelling, "There's a man in room 379."
For a real hoot, go to the baths without having used alcohol or drugs. It is
truly amazing how fabulously you will be able to make out when you are the
only one there in a solid state.
Giggling is *not* a correct response to "wanna fuck?"
If you can remember the title of the porno movie that was showing in the
"rest section," you did not have a good time.
It is pointless to consider why guys who won't even talk to you at the bars
are so eager to suck your cock at the baths.
Spending more than two hours with one number at the baths makes you two "an
item." More than four hours makes you engaged. On a good night, it is
possible to commit bigamy.
For some unknown reason, it is considered embarrassing to make it with
someone you already know.
No one ever believes the line, "We're really not lovers."
At all times, remember that tubbing is a participation, not a spectator,
sport.
Spending hours deciding what to wear to the tubs is a particularly inane
waste of time.
*Never* try to explain the baths to heterosexuals.
Possession of more than three bath cards makes you a serious faggot.
Georgina's law of the weight room: People working out are doing it for your
benefit, not theirs.
Formal attire means a black jockstrap.
Contrary to popular belief, one can indeed be too clean.
You can never be too rich, too muscular, or have too big of a dick.
Believe it or not, it is possible to have good sex without using poppers. A
man in New Jersey claims to do it all the time.
-= gay humor =-= 80
Did you hear about the new disease gay musicians are coming down with?
Band aids.
-= gay humor =-= 81
What do you call a gay dentist?
A tooth fairy.
-= gay humor =-= 82
Did you hear that ben-hur had a sex change operation?
Now he's ben-gay.
-= gay humor =-= 83
A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two
homosexuals who were hitchiking. They climbed into the cab and the truck
driver pulled the rig back onto the highway.
A few minutes later, the first gay says, "Excuse me, but I have to fart." He
held his breath, then the truck driver heard a low "Hsssssss."
A few miles down the road, the second gay announced, "Excuse me, but I have
to fart." The announcement was followed by another low "Hsssssss."
"Jesus Christ!" the truck driver exclaimed. "You fairies can't even fart lik
e men. Listen to this." A moment later, he emitted a deafening staccato
machine gun burst from his ass.
"Ohhh!" one gay exclaimed, turning to the other. "You know what we have
here, Bruce? A real virgin!"
-= gay humor =-= 84
What do you call a couple of gay lawyers?
Legal aids.
-= gay humor =-= 85
Did you hear about the new gay bar?
It's called Boys-R-Us.
-= gay humor =-= 86
What kind of car does Renee Richards drive?
A convertible.
-= gay humor =-= 87
What do gays refer to hemorrhoids as?
Speed bumps.
-= gay humor =-= 88
What three things do gays like to do the most?
Eat, drink, and be mary.
-= gay humor =-= 89
Why did the gay suspect his lover had been cheating on him? He came home
shit-faced. -= gay humor =-= 90
What do you call a gay milkman?
A dairy queen.
-= gay humor =-= 91
Why is there so little fraternization on naval ships?
Because they seldom see each other face to face.
-= gay humor =-= 92
Did you hear about the two gay judges who tried each other?
-= gay humor =-= 93
The difference between a straight and a gay priest?
The way they pronounce amen.
-= gay humor =-= 94
What's the hardest thing gays find about dealing with AIDS?
Leaving their friends behind.
-= gay humor =-= 95
What do you call a Jewish homosexual? a heblew.
-= gay humor =-= 96
Two men in a dormitory were lying around nude. "You got quite a large piece
of meat," said the first.
"Yes, and yours is quite big too," said the second.
"I know," said the first, "let's go to a swap meat!"
-= gay humor =-= 97
The biggest guy in the bar shouted out, half drunk, "You all on the left
side of the bar are cocksuckers and you all on the right side are
motherfuckers!"
Suddenly, a man ran from the right to the left side of the bar. "Where are
you going, squirt?!?" the big man asked.
"I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!"
-= gay humor =-= 98
Two winos, Rick and Billy, woke up in an alley in dire need of a drink but
with only 35 cents between them.
"Shay, i got an idea," said rick. He used the money to purchase a hotdog
from the corner vendor, then pulled Billy after him into the nearest bar and
ordered a round of drinks. After downing them, seeing the bartender heading
their way with the bill, Rick quickly inserted the hotdog into Billy's fly
and began to suck on the end of it.
"Get the hell out of here, you two fags!" said the bartender disgusted. This
worked equally well at the next bar, and the next, and the next; in fact,
all through the day. They finally crawled back to their spot in the alley in
the evening, dead drunk.
"Ya shee what you can do with a hot dog?" slurred Rick cheerfully.
"What hot dog?" laughed Billy. "We lost the hotdog after the second bar."
-= gay humor =-= 99
What did one gay congressman say to the other?
"What page are you on?"
-= gay humor =-= 100
What do they call a gay wino?
A grape fruit.
-= gay humor =-= 101
What do you call a gay bar with no stools?
A fruit stand.
-= gay humor =-= 102
What do you call a gay with a vasectomy?
A seedless fruit.
-= gay humor =-= 103
Why was the gay sergeant fired?
For the way he drilled his troops.
-= gay humor =-= 104
What do you call a gay masochist?
A sucker for punishment.
-= gay humor =-= 105
What do you call a gay dentist?
The Tooth Fairy!
-= gay humor =-= 106
What do you call a gay cannibal?
A headhunter.
-= gay humor =-= 107
How can you tell if you have walked into a gay church?
Only half the congregation is on their knees.
-= gay humor =-= 108
What do you do if you drop your keys in San Francisco?
Kick them to San Jose and pick them up.
-= gay humor =-= 109
Why did the gay minister get AIDS?
He didn't wash his organ between hims.
-= gay humor =-= 110
A son was home from college. "I think my roommate's becoming a queer!"
"What makes you think so?" asked the dad. "Because he closes his eyes when I
kiss him!"
-= gay humor =-= 111
Two gays had an argument in a bar and went outside to exchange blows.
-= gay humor =-= 112
What did one gay dentist say to the other?
"You have the whitest teeth i've ever come across."
-= gay humor =-= 113
If horse racing is the sport of kings, what is the sport of queens?
Drag racing.
-= gay humor =-= 114
Why is San Francisco like granola?
Because once you get past the fruits and nuts, all you have left are the
flakes.
-= gay humor =-= 115
How many goes does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to do it and six to shout "Faaabulous!"
-= gay humor =-= 116
An elderly man approached a little girl and asked her, "Tell me, young lady,
do you have a fairy godmother?"
"No," asked the little girl, "but I do have an uncle that we're a little
suspicious of."
-= gay humor =-= 117
Three gay guys find a brass lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The
genie says, "Okay you guys get one wish apiece."
The first guy says, "I want to be really butch."
The genie says, "Okay," and turns him into a cowboy.
The second guy says, "Well, I want to be so butch that it makes him look
femme."
"Okay," says the genie, and turns him into a leatherman.
The third guy says, "Well, I want to be the biggest butch on the block. I
want to be so butch that these guys will look like drag queens."
The genie says, "Okay," and turns him into a lesbian.