Irish Jokes for St. Pat's Day
me
John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one
evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to
see
who could deliver the best toast.
Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening,
"Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me
Wife."
When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the
Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best
toast of the evening."
His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's To
The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."
His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in
your Toast."
The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the
local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting
with John O'Riley.
He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your
husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first
prize".
"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest
with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep
and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of
the town tavern.
"Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven
one day."
"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy Irishman was the most intelligent man in Ireland. He
was the president of the Irish branch of Mensa, had won a
million pounds on who wants to be a millionaire, and was
Professor of astrophysics at the Paddy Institute of
Technology. One day he was in the pub (as Irishmen do) and
his mates were telling him that he should appear on
Mastermind, the quiz where the most intelligent men on the
planet, show their superior brain power. So he filled in
the forms and sure enough was called up, and over to London
he went to appear on the show. The moment came when he was
called up to the chair, to be questioned.
"Paddy, what is your specialist subject?"
"Irish History"
"Paddy your minute starts now. Who was the leader of the
Irish Revolution?"
"Pass"
"In what year was the revolution?"
"Pass"
"How many men died during the Easter Revolution?"
"Pass"
"What was the name of the British informer who helped
the rebels?"
"Pass"
All of a sudden his friend stood up in the audience and
roared "Good man Paddy, tell the fucking English nothing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade
next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you."
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news.
Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said
Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin
Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team
from the pub -- that makes eight."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have one million
men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein,
the war is still on. We have managed to acquire some equipment."
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's
tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
16,000 tanks, 14,000 armoured personnel carriers, and my army has
increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Paddy rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is
still on. We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We've
modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the
cockpit, and the bridge team has joined us as well."
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you
Paddy that I have 10,000 bombers, 20,000 MiG-19 attack planes,
my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air
missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to
two million men."
"Faith and begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr.
Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off
the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we
can feed two million prisoners."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old woman, a young woman, and Englishman, and an
Irishman are travelling in the compartment of a train
together across the British countryside. Each of the four
of them is ignoring the other three.
Suddenly, the train enters a tunnel, and the compartment is
thrown into pitch blackness. Out of the darkness comes the
sound of a kiss, then the sound of a slap.
The train leaves the tunnel, and the travelers act as
though nothing happened.
The old woman, however, is thinking to herself, "Look at
that young woman sitting there next to me, acting as if
nothing happened. I KNOW the Englishman kissed her."
The young woman is thinking to herself, "Why would an
Irishman kiss an old lady?"
The Englishman is thinking to himself, "I didn't to
anything! Why'd I get MY face slapped?"
And the Irishman is thinking to himself, "How do you like
that? I kiss the back of my hand, slap an Englishman in the
face and get away with it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The
doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye
and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be
cured.
You'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the
waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son,
we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't
go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head
for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by
some of
O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley
told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to
tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his
friends, "I
have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their
condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left,
O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought
you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your
friends that you were dying from AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I don't want
any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now,
never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now
would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets
himself a bleacher seat.
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his
hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at
the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and
starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up
and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on
that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the
guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the
side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and
shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his
hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the
ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy
squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to
the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself,
"What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens
three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.
After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick
and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN!
RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he
doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that
the batter has four balls.
So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH
PRIDE!"
---------------------
Q: What's the definition of an Irishman???
A: A cheap and simple device used for converting Guiness into piss!!!!
------
Two Irish men walked into a pub
Both of them broke their noses
------
How do you tell an Irishman on an oilrig? He's the one throwing bread to
the helicopters.
------
The Irish have placed an order for 1,000 septic tanks. When they work out
how to drive them, they are going to invade England.
------
The Irish invented whiskey. The Scots improved on it, and made
single malt whisky.
The Irish invented the kilt. The Scots improved on it, put
tartan patterns on it and gave it a sporran.
The Irish invented porrige. The Scots improved on it with
malt and honey and milk.
The Irish invented the bagpipes. The Scots haven't got the
joke yet.
------
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
An Irish burglar!
------
What is black and smoulders and hangs from the ceiling?
An Irish Electrician
------
Did you hear about the Irish parachutist?
He missed the world.
------
The irishman got a pair of water skis for his birthday
He is still looking for a slope
------
What do you call an irishman on a bicycle?
A dope pedlar
------
What do you call a pregnant Irishwoman?
A dope carrier
------
What's Irish and sits on your porch all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
------
An Irish immigrant walks into the local bar and notices another man
there whom he thinks just -has- to be a fellow Irishman. So he sidles
over to the man and says, "Hey there, you, you don't look like you were
born around here. No offense or rudeness meant, but where are you from?"
The man already at the bar says, "I was born 'pon the Emerald Isle,
my friend."
"Oh really? I'm an Irishman m'self! Where in Ireland were you born?"
"Over on the west side of Dublin."
"Such a coincidence! I'm from West Dublin too! What church did you
go to, my friend?"
"St. Mary of Sorrows, over on Alder Street."
"No way! That's the very same place where I went!"
Anyway, this goes on for awhile, the two of them thumping each other
on the back and buying drinks for each other. In the meantime, another
man has walked into the bar, notices all of this, and whispers to the
bartender, "Joyous reunion, huh?"
"Not really," the bartender sighs. "The O'Shea twins are just drunk
again."
------
An Irishman walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for
everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Murph, seems you're in a
really good mood tonight, hm?" The Irishman says, "Oh, you can bet on
it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money
from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates
the man and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. The Irishman comes back into the bar and says
"Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well
now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just
imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!" The Irishman
looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a
handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me too?"
------
The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire
a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the
man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little
old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary.
Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to
try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he
said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."
The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her
prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again.
"This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!"
Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the
man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR
PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"
The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"
------
Famous Irishmen:
Paddy O'Furniture
Miles O'Toole
And that charming gay couple: Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick
and their friend, Phill McKraken
------
O'Sullivan was on trial for armed robbery. The jury came out and the
foreman announced, "Not guilty." "Wonderful," shouted the Irishman.
"Does that mean I can keep the money?"
------
McAffee arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick. "No," replied McAffee. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How did that happen?" asked the employee. McAffee replied woefully, "The
cork fell out!"
------
Tom Cahill had proposed to young Maureen and was being interviewed by his
prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to
support a family?" the older man asked the suitor. "Yes, sir," replied
Tom, "I'm sure I am." "Think carefully now," said Maureen's father.
"There are twelve of us."
------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Do I hear you spittin' in the vase
on the mantlepiece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the
time."
------
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the light bulb and the other to drink until the room
spins.
------
Colleen, a healthy, attractive mother of three, aged 30, went to the
doctor for her annual check-up. Later that evening, as she and her
husband Tammas were undressing for bed, she stood in front of the mirror
and admired her naked body. Tammas was in a bit of a temper that evening
and groused at her, "And just what are you starin' at, ye vain hussy?"
Colleen tossed her head and replied, "That handsome young Dr. McGillicuddy
says I have the breasts of a 19-year-old girl!" Tammas grew red in the
face and shouted, "And did he say anything about your 30-year-old Irish
ass?" His wife paused for a moment and then replied coolly, "Why no, he
never mentioned yer name at all!"
*************************************************
1. Q: How do you make an Irish guy's tongue black?
A: Pour whiskey on a freshly tarred road.
2. Q: How do you confuse an Irish ditch-digger?
A: Show him 2 shovels, and tell him to take his pick.
3. Q: What's the busiest job in the world?
A: Being a bouncer in an Irish pub.
4. Q: What's the first thing an Irishman says in the morning?
A: I'm sorry but I can't make it to work, I'm hung over.
5. Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull out the pin and throw it back at him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy and Mike came running to a farmer and asked him:
-Could we borrow a shovel? Sean is in the swamp, up to his ankles!
-Take it, but why can't he get off himself?
-He is in there head down!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy and Mike were walking. Then they saw a cowpie in the middle
of the road. Paddy asked: -Is that shit?
Mike put his finger in it, tasted and said:
-Yes, it's shit, good thing we didn't step on it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
did you hear about the Irish man who was ironing his curtains?
he fell out of the window...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the Irish man who was listening to the match?
he burnt his ear...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the Irish man who was washing his stairs?
the washing machine broke down...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
how did the police know who bombed the london bus?
the bomber was the one with his fingers in his ears...
-------------------------------------------------
BAR TROUBLESHOOTING CHART
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
wrong part of face.
ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while
complain to the owner about its lack of house
training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking trough bottom of empty glass.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to
air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are taken to another bar.
If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and
flourscent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on
your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone
to help you get up, lash yourself to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION REQUIRED: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION REQUIRED: Panic.
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION REQUIRED: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.
If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Father Murphy And Heaven
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the
first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and
approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked
up to O'Toole. "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.
The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean
to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
ITALIAN FOOD
Q. What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?
A. Gaelic breath.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
CONFESSION AT NOTRE DAME
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved
old Irish priest.
At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had
acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost
my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."
"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the
priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve
of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.
"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other
team's players in the in a sensitive area."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his
sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful
things?"
"Southern Methodist."
"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THE FIELD
At the Abbey Theatre in Ireland, we purchased tickets to see The Field,
a play by an author I had never heard of. I asked the ticket seller if
he was well known. "He is," she said. "He's world-famous in Ireland."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THE IRISH FARM
Starknight looks up from his drink. "I have a confession to make; I was
once in jail in Derry. The story of how it came about, though, is
interesting... "You see, one of my relatives (a 3rd cousin twice-removed
on my mother's side of the family) was a landowner in Ireland. He had a
small dairy, some pasture lands, and about 10 acres of crops. All in
all, a nice little family business, except that he had no family, being
a confirmed bachelor. So, when he died, the farm came back to the
family. "Now, somehow this distant cousin knew of me, and decided that
I would be the perfect choice to handle the disposition of his estate.
Personally, I think he liked my name. So I traveled to Ireland, to look
at the farm and see what kind of assets Paddy had to distribute.
Arriving at Derry, I asked for Paddy O'Brien's farm, and was directed
there by a helpful milkmaid. "When I got to the farmhouse, I was
greeted by an elderly gentleman with graying red hair and merry blue
eyes. 'Welcome to O'Brien Manor,' he said. 'I am Darby, the
houseman.' He proceeded to introduce me to the rest of the household
and farm staff, and showed me to the office which Paddy had built on to
the back of the house." Starknight pauses to take a refreshing drink
from his rum and Coke. "Ah, that's better... Clear those yiors from my
throat. Where was I? Oh, yes, just going into the office. Anyway, I
spent the next two days going over the financial situation, which was
bleak. The dairy equipment needed to be upgraded, the farm was deeply
in debt, and the house mortgaged to the hilt. Clearly, I was going to
have to liquidate everything in order to pay off Paddy's debts.
"However, I was a bit concerned about how the staff was going to take
the news. The best way to break it to them, I thought, would be to take
them all to a pub in Derry and tell them over a few drinks that they
were going to be out of work. So we packed them into the farm truck and
headed into town. "In a pub called The Green Bough, we all sat down and
had a few pints of ale. I really didn't want to tell them, but I knew I
had to do so, and I managed to stand up and blurt out a few words before
giving each of them their walking papers. At that, however, a constable
who had been drinking in the corner got up and approached the table.
Taking out his handcuffs, he affixed them to my wrists while
pronouncing, 'Yer under arrest, laddie -- come along quietly!' "Believe
me, I was much surprised when .... the judge sentenced me to thirty days
in jail for discharging an Eire farm within city limits..."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
GREEN
Q. What's green and bounces off the walls?
A. Ric O'Shea!!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TWO LEFT FEET
Q. Did you hear about the Irishman born with two left feet?
A. He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
KISSING THE BLARNEY STONE
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group
was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are
uncomfortable The food is terrible It's too hot It's too cold The
accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney
Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so
no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some
other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has
kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
OLD McDONALD HAD
An Australian, an American and an Irishman are in a game show and the
host says, can you complete the phrase "Old McDonald had a ..."
"Ranch!" yelled the American.
"No that is not right," said the host.
"Station!" yelled the Australian.
"No that is not right," said the host.
"Farm!" yelled the Irishman.
"Yes," said the host. "Now can you spell it?"
"E I E I O," said the Irishman.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
You Might Be An Irishman If...
-you drink beer from a longneck bottle because your doctor told you to
distance yourself from alcohol.
-you think tea is tint for an aquairium.
-you think St. Patrick's Day is THE major holiday of the year.
-you think singing songs in a strange dialect is a God-given right.
-you believe God created Ireland and the rest happened by accident.
-you think a hangover is just the morning blues.
-you think water is only for fish -- and bathing (occasionally)
-you think God gave the Israelites Guinness in the wilderness.
-you think all beautiful women are Irish.
-you think the Celtics are a ceilidh band.
-you think Boston is in Ireland.
-you think Scotch-Irish is a mixed drink.
-you think the restroom is a place to sleep.
-you think lite beer is a punishment.
-you think whiskey punch is a sporting event at the pub.
-you think a deaf and dumb, tall, statuesque sex goddess that owns a
-brewery is the perfect mate.
-you think the blind staggers is a good substitute for jogging.
-you think a liquid diet is to consume nothing but poteen.
-you think English is a foreign language.
-you think England is the place your condemned to if you're bad.
-you think Dublin is the world capital.
-you think Tipper Gore is a bloody drumstick.
-you think a sober Irishman is friendless -- or broke -- or dead.
-you think the two-step dance is a result of eating Mexican food.
-you give an empty Bushmills bottle a wake.
-you see leprecauns after the pub closes -- always twins.
-the guard says "How many fingers am I holding up?" and you say "All of
'em."
-you know what St. Stephen's Day is.
-you think a street light pole is a prosthetic device to help you stand
up.
-you think that New Year's resolutions are fine -- for that night!
-you think God gave the Irish whisky to keep them from taking over the
world.
-you believe that:
... all harps have a soul
... all music is Irish -- originally
... God has a sense of humor
... a twelve-step meeting is where you find two pubs next door to
each other
... God invented Guinness bottles with small
openings to keep the Irish from falling in and drowning
... the last song of the evening is the end of the world
... all jokes are funny -- after 10 pm
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican
Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend you can't have sex with a
condom on.
6. You've blown up the Queen's horses!
7. Old Bushmills.
8. Stew.
9. More Guiness.
10.Eating stew and drinking guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning
after a bout of sectarian violence.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Pat the Irishman in Heaven
There once was an Irishman named Pat, who was
born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day,
marching in the St. Patrick's Day parade.
Pat went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly
Gates. St. Peter said, "who are you?" and Pat
replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on
St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin'
in the St. Patrick's Day parade."
St. Peter checked up in his book and saw all this
information was true. So he said to Pat: "Yes, this is
all true, so here is a little green cloud for you to drive
around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you
push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are
Smiling.' You've earned it, Pat. Have a good time in
heaven."
Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the
button, and it starts to play "When Irish Eyes Are
Smiling." He heads out into heaven, a smile on his
face and a song in his heart.
He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his
little green cloud around for two whole days. However,
on the third day, he's driving down the main expressway
in heaven with the harp playing full blast when, all of a
sudden, a pink and white two-tone cloud roars past him.
And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing
all sorts of celestial music. Pat has just enough time to
see that the person driving the pink and white two-tone
cloud has a long nose and a darkish complexion.
Pat makes a U-Turn right in the middle of the Heaven
Expressway, charges back to the Pearly Gates, jumps
off of his little green cloud and stalks up to St. Peter.
He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm an Irishman.
I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's
Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come
up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little
green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song,
'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.'
"St. Peter, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big,
beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and an huge
organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat
the Irishman, want to know why!"
St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and
motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he
says: "Pat, shush! *He's* the Boss's Son!"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman...
Three guys, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub.
They all suffer from a severe stutter. "What's it to be?" asks the
stunningly beautiful landlady.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the
Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui
gui gui................."
Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th th
th th th th th th th....................."
"Oh bugger this !" says the
beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten
minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.
"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th..........".
"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of
you can tell me where
you live without stuttering I'll let you shag me!"
Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.
"Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch
Manch." "No.
You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks,
"Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.
"E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
"Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you
live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
"London" blurts out the Irishman. "Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A
great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him
by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to
her underwear.
Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with
Concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and
then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out
"...............- D D D D DDerry!!"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman in a strip club
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman go to a strip club. They belly up to the
front row and the lady does her stuff. For the finale she waggles her
naked bum in the Englishman's face; he reaches for his wallet, takes out
a tenner, licks it and slaps it on her left buttock. The stripper moves
along and repeats the manoeuvre in front of the Irishman; he too takes a
tenner from his wallet, licks it and slaps it on her right cheek. She
now confronts the Scot with her arse and wiggles it as before. He also
removes his wallet, takes out his credit card, swipes it and takes
twenty pounds cash back.......
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Irish and machine ice...
Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston
Irish, and they took him to an upscale "Irish" pub.
"Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said,
looking with delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein'
an ice cube with a hole in it!"
"Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married
to one fer 15 year."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A Texan Meets the Irish
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness
back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the
Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan
gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where
did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh, I had to go to the pub down the
street to see if I could do it first."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
How Irish Are You?
>1. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
Because the trains weren't running that day
>2. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day?
Because real rocks are too heavy
>3. Where does green bear come from?
Well. green bear is actually a white bear that fell into the wrong dye in
the factory. Real Green bears come from Greenland though ;-)
>4. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He's too drunk to answer you
>5. Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Cos the little buggers only carry gold cards
>6. What's Irish and stays out all night?
A drunken Irishman who's wife has locked him out of the house!!
>7. How did the Irish Jig get started?
The drunken Irishman fell out of it and scared the horse. The horse then
ran away pulling the jig behind it!!
>8. Why do leprechauns have pots o' gold?
Because they won't lend anyone any money!!! (see Q5)
>9. What's an Irish windbreaker?
That drunken Irishman (AGAIN) the morning after drinking too much Guinness
>10. On St. Patrick's Day, while people are searching for tiny, little
leprechauns, what are the leprechauns searching for?
A quiet pub to have a pint of guinness in ! (or a sober Irishman!!)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in
the front of your trousers?"
"Ah, said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer
Brit Thompson comes feeling my balls, I'II blow his bloody
fingers off!"
------
Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a
third.
"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.
"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but
by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put
together."
------
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a
compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a
conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not
supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd
occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your
religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have
succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the
newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first,
"What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just
before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick!
I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do
it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like this...Damn!
There goes another one!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort,
but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his
back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his
feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? Third
grade.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen
Mulligan lately,Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was
Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we
got up to one another...it was neither of us."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the
first chukka.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick
O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the
strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to
no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure,
an' Oi can't do it. The
Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get
some help."
As Mick was-leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it
tvill help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally
abandoned. Not one horse could get a decent footing on the
cathedral roof.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an
agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house
that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I
got all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy and Mick were approaching a Londonderry pub which had
been destroyed by a Protestant bomb only minutes before. As they passed,
a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins and across the pavement before
them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it for Mick to see.
"Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?"
"No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but
Murphy was taller than that."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you identify an Irish pirate?
He's the one with patches over both eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a
lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted
into the room.
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd
recognize her anywhere!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor
questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first
out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go
in for unnatural connubial practices?"
"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows
anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find
out are what grounds you have."
'Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let
alone grounds.'
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable
exasperation,"you need a reason that the court can consider. What
is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady,"Shure it's because the man can't
hold an intelligent conversation. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tim Kelly was walking through a dim passageway when someone
spoke to him.
"Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be
knowin' your old friend Grogan anymore?"
Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages
and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning
on a crutch.
"Saints! " cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye
merely jump from the trestle?"
"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of
it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy
himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand,
and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me."
"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself,
Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?"
"Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in
itself, but not worth a dom in a fight."
------
As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright
young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and
made her way to New York where before long, she became a
successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a
Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had
always attended as a child. In the confessional Father
Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She
explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know
what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind
of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional
and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of
cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two
middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide
eyes, and one said to the other. "Will you just look at the
penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without
me bloomers on!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway
tavern. To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'II be
havin' three whiskeys."
Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy,
it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's
celebratin', you are.
"Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm
celebrating me first blow job."
Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar.
"Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like
y'rself, here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your
celebration with you."
Shandy shook his head, and replied "Tis verra kind of ye,
Micheal, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste,
four won't either. "
------
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out
of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one
who saw any snakes!
------
An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her
husband has taken ill.
The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied
that she hadn't but would and then call back.
When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor cailed and
asked what had happened.
She said 'Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer
on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he went
off to work!"
------
Pat came to tell Mrs. O'Flaherty about her husband' s
untimely drowning in a vat of beer at the brewery.
"Oh, the poor man" she sobbed, "Please, tell me, did he suffer
much?"
" I don't think so mum; he came out three times to pee!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All material gathered from the OąNet!
Thanks to the original posters, whoever and wherever you are...
Laugh, and thank God the Irish have a good sense of humor...
Michael Brun
Compilation Copyright 2002