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Roths

unread,
Jan 26, 1996, 3:00:00 AM1/26/96
to
I need insults that can be used at a family show. I perform at a
festival in Minnesota that has a game of insult tennis. This year, I
would like some new ones and need some help.

Some of my present insults are as followed:

You are so dumb, you think that martial arts are paintings by the sheriff.

I love what you've done with your hair. How did you get it to come out
of one nostril like that!

If fat were gasoline, you'd have enough to circle the earth 3 TIMES!

You look like you've been pulled backward through a knothole.

You look like you've been rode hard and put away wet.

Your face can shrivel a man like a 3 hour bath.

Your mother is so big, that her graduation picture had to be an aerial view.

If art imitates life, you'd be a black velvet painting.

What is that on you head? A hairball from a mountain lion?

I'd get more pleasure from running my nostrils down a tree (or cactus),
than being with you.

Your mother was raped by a German Shepherd and you are the after effect.

Your face could turn Medusa to stone.

You have the intellegence of a bucket of rocks.

Your origins are so low, you'd have to limbo under your family tree.

You have the shape of a stocking filled with dung.

Your mouth is so big, you could suck an egg from a chicken.

You are as charming as a dead mouse in a loaf of bread.

You have less backbone than a chocolate eclair.

You have the warm personal charm of a millipede.

You are so dumb, that when asked your name, you are stuck for an answer.

Your face looks as if you were weaned on a pickle.

You do not understand men (or women) as you have never successfully
depicted one.

You have about as much class as a lawn flamingo.

The eyes are the window to the mind and your eyes look like the holes in
a privy.

Your fragrance of choice is "Eau De Skunk".

Please sit down and take a mess off your feet.

You have the face of a saint. Saint Bernard, that is.

You are such a sourpuss, that when you suck a lemon---the lemon makes a face.

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits, as I will not take advantage of
the handicapped.

Your skin is so soft, just like the texture of smut that grows on corn.

You have such a full round face---just like a baboon's butt.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.

If brains were wind, you would not have enough to blow your nose.

Your brain is so weak, you have to wear crutches under your ears.

One night spent with you and men volunteer to become eunuchs.

You know, I do understand you. I have a way with dumb animals.

The only time you ever got to second base was at the petting zoo.

Is that your face--or are you breaking it in for a bulldog?

You have an hourglass figure. Too bad the sand settled in all the wrong
places.

You have such a striking face. Tell me, how many times were you struck?

Travel broadens a person. You look as if you have been all over the world.

You must have a very large brain, to hold so much ignorance.

A mud pack is good for the complexion. I suggest you leave it on.

You are so dumb, you think "getting lucky" is finding a penny on the ground.

One more wrinkle and you'd pass for a prune.

If ugly were a crime, you'd get a life sentence.

Looking at you, I realize what a waste of skin you are.

You wear so much makeup, that you leave a clown imprint on your pillowcase.

Was it hard learning to be so ugly or were you a quick study?

If your conscience could be surgically removed, it would be a minor
operation.

Is that your nose or did you inhale a cantaloupe?

You are so dumb, you think a blood vessel is some kind of ship.

You are so dumb, you planted a dogwood tree and expected a litter of puppies.

You are so dumb, you thought a buttress was a female goat.

You are so dumb, you think manual labor is the president of Mexico.


I appreciate any contributions, as long as they can be used in a family
show, including one liners such as:

Stagnant pond scum licker
Maggot muncher
Litreen lips
3 week old road kill
Snail snot
Odiferous octupus ooze
Pompous proliferator of putrid puns
Lizard lips
Vulture vomit


David Rawsthorne

unread,
Feb 5, 1996, 3:00:00 AM2/5/96
to
Roths <ren...@magellan.cloudnet.com> wrote:

>I need insults that can be used at a family show. I perform at a
>festival in Minnesota that has a game of insult tennis. This year, I
>would like some new ones and need some help.

He has several screws loose.
He Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
He Has the IQ of a salad bar.
He Has the IQ of an ice cube.
He has this way of manipulating every little word I say.
He has too many lice to feel an itch.
He has trouble dealing with reality.
He Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He has two neurons separated by a spirochete.
He Has two neurons, and they don't synapse.
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
He hasn't a single redeeming vice.
He Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
He Hasn't got enough sense to come in out of the rain.
He Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
He hasn't had his tires rotated in months
He headbutts steel posts for fun.
He is a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.
He is a deeply superficial person.
He is a few bricks short of a load.
He is a few cents short of the dollar.
He is a fool who cannot be angry, but he is a wise man who will not.
He is a self-made man, and worships his creator.
He is a sheep in sheep's clothing.
He is not the full quid.
He is playing hockey with a warped puck.
He is temperamental: 50% temper, 50% mental.
He is the most sensible looking man talking nonsense.
He isn't firing on all cylinders.
He isn't playing with a full deck.
He just enjoys the abuse.
He keeps differentiating.... flying off on a tangent.
He left the store without all of his groceries.
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
He loses arguments with @CONFNAME@.
He lost his mind when a butterfly kicked him in the head.
He makes Pee-Wee Herman appear funny.
He makes wood seem intelligent.
He might have all his bricks, but there is no cement holding them
together.
He needs another brain to make it to half-wit.
He only uses his brain to keep his head from caving in.
He parked his head and forgot where he left it.
He plays solitaire......for cash.
He runs squares around the competition.
He sat under the ozone hole too long.
He says a thousand pleasant things, but never Adieu.
He sticks his tongue in rotating fan blades for fun.
He still believes in the tooth fairy, too.
He studies hard for blood tests.
He suffers from terminal brain-lock.
He suffers from terminal brain-skid.
He suffers from too many radiation treatments.
He talks to his FARTS??
He that knows little soon repeats it.
He thinks at 5 baud.
He thought drugs were fun `til he started studying pharmacy.
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
He walks down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.
He was born twins and they killed the wrong one!
He WAS born yesterday!
He was caused by a failed condom.
He was so crooked you could use him to pull corks with.
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
eyes...
He was so ugly, the tide wouldn't go out with him
He wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
He wasn't his mother's favorite, and he was an only child.
He wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
He went to a freak show and got in free!
He who allows himself to be insulted deserves to be.
He who confesses to small faults hopes you'll think he has no big
ones.
He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return.
He who smiles in a crisis has thought of someone else to blame!
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages will be known, far
and w
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages will be known, far
and wide,
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages will be known, far
and wide, as a smart-ass.
He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck.
He wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head
He's 13 donuts short of a baker's dozen.
He's 1996 U.S. Olympic Drowning Team member.
He's a can shy of a six-pack.
He's a closet homosapien!
He's a cockroach; you think you kill him, he pops up someplace else!
He's a condom short of a party.
He's a couple of channels short of Basic Cable!
He's a couple of revisions behind.
He's a couple of volts below threshold.
He's a couple sandwiches short of a picnic.
He's a few beans short of a burrito.
He's a few beers short of a six-pack.
He's a few bits short of a byte.
He's a few bits shy of a word.
He's a few bombs short of a cluster.
He's a few bricks shy of a load.
He's a few bytes short of a checksum...
He's a few cards short of a deck.
He's a few clowns short of a circus.
He's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
He's a few holes short of a whiffle ball.
He's a few letters short of a keyboard.
He's a few peas short of a casserole.
He's a few pickles short of a jar.
He's a few runners short of a relay.
He's a few sectors short of a hard drive.
He's a few snags short of a Barbie.
He's a few strings short of a guitar.
He's a few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
He's a fool's fool.
He's a gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
He's a hole in his bag of marbles.
He's a jack-of-all-trades and unemployed in all of them.
He's a legend in his own mind.
He's a little light in his loafers.
He's a living example of artificial intelligence.
He's a looney tune.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaayyy.....
He's a modest little person, with much to be modest about.
He's a multistage rocket with no upper stage.
He's a notch off the timing mark.
He's a piccolo short of a woodwind section.
He's a real big gun...of small caliber and immense bore.
He's a sausage short of a barbecue.
He's a scrotum... halfway between a prick and an asshole.
He's a self-made man, and worships his creator.
He's a sheep in sheep's clothing.
He's A victim of retroactive birth control.
He's About as bright as a black hole.
He's About as bright as a small appliance bulb.
He's about as quick as a jackrabbit (dead, that is).
He's about as sharp as a bowling ball, and twice as smart.
He's About as sharp as a bowling ball.
He's About as sharp as a pin head.
He's About as sharp as jello.
He's about as smart as bait.
He's about as smart as live bait.
He's About four cents short of a nickel.
He's All booster - no payload.
He's All crown - no filling.
He's all sail and no boat.
He's All the lights don't shine in his marquee.
He's All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
He's Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
He's Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
He's An example of why some animals eat their young.
He's an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
He's As bright as a burnt out light bulb.
He's as bright as a tulip bulb.
He's As flakey as a snowstorm.
He's as flaky as a snowstorm.
He's As screwed up as a football bat.
He's As sharp as a marble.
He's as smart as a sackful of wet mice.
He's As thick as two short planks.
He's as up-to-date as a 1940 calendar.
He's attic's very dusty.
He's Barney's biggest fan.
He's been in too many caves without a helmet.
He's been napping in front of the ion shield again.
He's been playing in the pharmacy section again.
He's been playing with his wand too much.
He's been playing with the plutonium again.
He's been short on oxygen one time too many.
He's been using his head as a mass driver.
He's blew his O-rings.
He's blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
He's Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel.
He's Born a day late, and like that ever since.
He's born brain dead and still is that way.
He's Born ugly and losing ground ever since.
He's brain has freezer burn.
He's brain has freezer burns.
He's bright as a tulip bulb.
He's buffer is full.
He's caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
He's Charles Manson's drinking buddy.
He's clock doesn't have all its numbers.
He's comes from a long line of first cousins.
He's condom poster child for 1994.
He's Constipation of the brain and diarrhea of the mouth.
He's Contributes to the population problem.
He's credibility deficient.
He's daughter of Suzy Creamcheese and it shows.
He's demented and deluded mind.
He's Diagnosable.
He's doin' 30 on the freeway.
He's Drivelmaster.
He's driving with two wheels in the sand.
He's dumb as a box of mentally handicapped rocks.
He's egotism is a plain case of mistaken nonentity.
He's electroencephalographically challenged.
He's employed as a crash dummy?!?
He's family tree doesn't fork.
He's Fired from McDonald's for short attention-span.
He's flying on one engine.
He's Full throttle, dry tank.
He's got a bad spot on his disk.
He's got a body by Fisher - and brains by Mattel.
He's got a cheerful mental hold on me.
He's got a couple of open splices.
He's got a couple of volts below threshold.
He's got a few pages stuck together.
He's Got a few tiles missing from his Space Shuttle.
He's got a few wait-states.
He's got a hole in his bag of marbles.
He's got a HUGE....uh.....tract of land!
He's got a kangaroo loose in the top paddock.
He's got a loose chip on the microprocessor board.
He's got a mind like a steel sieve.
He's got a mind like a steel trap - anything entering gets crushed and
mangled
He's got a mind like a steel trap - rusty and stuck closed.
He's Got a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
He's got a photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
He's got a Roo loose in the top paddock.
He's got a room temperature I.Q.
He's got bats in the belfry.
He's got Blue Wave fever and it's spreading through the message bases!
He's got bubbles in his think tank.
He's got diarrhea of the mouth, constipation of the ideas.
He's got his own train of thought, and no one's aboard.
He's got six cans, but he's missing the plastic thing that holds it
together.
He's got the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
He's got the brains of a house plant.
He's Got the mind consistency of a parfait.
He's Got the personality of a used condom.
He's Got too many birds on his antenna.
He's got too much yardage between his goal posts.
He's got toys in his attic.
He's grease spot on the driveway of life.
He's gyros are loose.
He's Half a bubble off plumb. - attributed to Mark Twain
He's Half a quart low.
He's head whistles in a crosswind.
He's In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
He's in, but he's out to lunch.
He's inbred and proud of it!
He's Informationally deprived.
He's just a few sandwiches shy of a picnic.
He's just another inmate in this insane world.
He's knitting with only one needle.
He's little red choo choo done jumped the track.
He's living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
He's memory is truly random-access.
He's Mental agility of a soap dish.
He's mentally challenged.
He's mind is like a steel sieve.
He's mind is like a steel trap - full of mice.
He's mind is like a steel trap - rusted shut!
He's Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
He's not dead, He's metabolically challenged.
He's not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us!
He's not exactly operating on all thrusters.
He's not running on full thrusters.
He's on her last lap around the gene pool.
He's on his last lap around the gene pool.
He's On the batting end of a no-hitter.
He's one bean short of a burrito.
He's one bit short of a byte.
He's one burrito short of a combo meal.
He's one fry short of a happy meal.
He's one id short of a personality.
He's one marble shy of a full deck.
He's one sandwich short of a picnic.
He's paged-out.
He's Paranoia Poster child for 1994.
He's parents threw out the baby and kept the bathwater.
He's playing baseball with a rubber bat.
He's playing hockey with a warped puck.
He's playing with a full deck but the cards aren't in order.
He's playing with an unstrung raquet.
He's plays solitaire......for cash.
He's post: [ ]Humorous [ ]Insightful [X]Just plain stupid.
He's Poster child for birth control.
He's Poster child for Densa.
He's pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
He's reading from an empty disk.
He's Reality-ometer: E[\........]F Hmmph! Thought so...
He's redneck extrordinaire!
He's renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
He's result of a first cousin marriage.
He's Richard Heppell's comedy advisor.
He's risen from obscurity & headed for oblivion.
He's running at 300 baud.
He's Sailboat fuel for brains.
He's sending back packets, but the check sums are wrong.
He's Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
He's sharp as a tack - the blunt end.
He's skating on the wrong side of the ice.
He's Slinky's kinked.
He's slower than my grandma. She's been dead for 20 years.
He's so dumb he thinks Cheerios are doughnut seeds!
He's so far behind he thinks he's first.
He's so lazy he even hires someone to do his snoring for him.
He's so stupid he could screw up a one-car funeral.
He's SO stupid, he got stabbed in a shootout.
He's so ugly he's positively distinguished looking.
He's son of Suzy Creamcheese and it shows.
He's Squirrel food.
He's still trying to figure out who they are.
He's strong like bull, dumb like tractor.
He's studying to be a child molester at the Seminary.
He's surfing in New Mexico.
He's swapped out.
He's swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
He's Taste tester for Alpo.
He's Teflon brain (nothing sticks).
He's the Grand Canyon under a crew cut.
He's The LEAST dangerous man in America!
He's The person who brought you the beer milkshake.
He's the third Warner Brother on Animaniacs.
He's TIME's 1994 Moron of the Year.
He's trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
He's turned deciduous in the spring time.
He's two bits shy of a word.
He's two politicians short of a Parliament.
He's two saucers short of a tea-service.
He's two tacos short of a combination plate.
He's watching, say your prayers; cause God is everywhere.
He's With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
He's working with an unformatted disk.
Head whistles in a crosswind.
Headline: Court Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime.
Hear you've been sick. If I were you I'd be sick, too!
Heaven can wait
Hell hath no fury like an unjustified assumption.
HELL WITH JUSTICE, LYNCH @FN@!!!
Hello?? Anyone home??
Help @FN@, buy a clue.
Help @N@ buy a clue.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
Her dialing thumb must be broken.
Her elevator doesn't cover every floor.
Her last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire!
Here about the baby born with both sexes? It had a vagina and a brain!
Here is my fist, please run towards it very fast.
Here we go again
Here's a quarter, call someone who cares.
Hey Everybody! @FN@'s buying the drinks!
Hey Mom, @FN@ learned a new word today...
Hey Rocky! Watch me pull some intelligence outta @N@
Hey Rocky! Watch me pull some intelligence out of the LTUAE!
Hey! I don't remember @FN@.GIF being in the file directory before.
Hey! Is that your face, or did your neck throw up.
Hey! You're back!... How was the treatment program?...
Hey, *we* care. Now get off the &*^@#! line!
Hey, @FN@, are those Bugle Boy Jeans you're wearing?
Hey, @FN@, aren't you usually handcuffed to a bed by now?
Hey, buddy, got a match? Sure, your face and my a..
Hey, I smell burning martyr! Quick! @FN@'s on fire!
Hey, lookit that! A shark wearing @FN@'s SCUBA gear!
Hi! I'll be your asshole for the evening.
HICK: A person who goes to a family reunion to meet girls
Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His brain is squirming like a toad.
His brain is two months past the expiry date.
His chimney's clogged.
His dialing thumb must be broken.
His egotism is a plain case of mistaken nonentity.
His elevator doesn't go all the way to the penthouse.
His elevator doesn't run to the top.
His elevator goes all the way to the top, but the door doesn't open.
His elevator is stuck between floors.
His engine was smoking, but that's ok, it's old enough.
His face was filled with broken commandments.
His face was flushed but his broad shoulders saved him.
His family tree doesn't fork.
His father was a mudder... His MOTHER was a mudder.
His fork only has one tong.
His gyros are loose.
His head whistles in a crosswind.
His library has run out of books.
His little red choo choo done jumped the track.
His memory is truly random-access.
His mind is like a steel sieve.
His mind is like a steel trap - full of mice.
His mind is like a steel trap - rusted shut!
His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
His mind is out to pasture.
His parents threw away the baby and kept the afterbirth.
His parents threw out the baby and kept the bathwater.
His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".
His post: [ ]Humorous [ ]Insightful [X]Just plain stupid.
His pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
His receiver is off the hook.
His reset line is glitching.
His seat back is not in the full upright position.
His skylight leaks a little.
His Slinky's kinked.
His wife has two cunts - He's one of them.
His Yin and Yang are no longer on speaking terms.
Hmmm, the fence must still be down over at the funny farm.
Hmmm, When is the last time the Tooth Fairy visited you?
Hold your mouth for the war; Use it for what it's for.
Holy ^&*#, @FN@, you're wrong again! I hate being right all the time.
Honesty is the worst policy (is this MR policy?)
Honk if you want to see my middle finger.
Horn busted! Watch for finger........
Hostility: I'm going to knock your F??KING head off!
Hot air sometimes thaws out a cold reception.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How can I miss you when you won't go away?
How can you be so deaf with those huge ears?
How can you support all of that weight out of the water?
How could I disagree with someone as charming as you?
How did you get here, wiggle off the hook?
How do blonde brain cells die? Alone.
How do you give @FN@ an enema? There's no end to the *******!
How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
How many @LN@s does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How much longer are you going to abuse our patience?
How to be a LTUAER: Kick their's... Cover your's... Kiss the Dac's
How was your lobotomy?
How'd a dork like you get on _THAT_ board?
However, some insensitive types have nicknamed us the 'Dirty Pair'...
Hucking Fell
Human beings don't live like this
Human Error - It's all ***YOUR*** Fault, @FN@.
Humble pie is always hard to swallow with your pride.
Humor-meter: [\ ] Hmmph! Thought so.
Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse.
I admire you because I never had the courage it takes to be a liar....
I agreed to suspend my disbelief, not hang it until dead.
I am amazed your knuckles don't bleed when you walk.
I am ethical. It is the stupidity that drives them nuts.
I am firm. You're stubborn. He's pigheaded.
I am here to Flux with your mind. Where do you keep it?
I am merely grateful my prey is mice...not hippopotamuses.
I am merely responding to @FN@'s nonsensical ramblings.
I am merely responding to @N@'s nonsensical ramblings.
I am merely responding to your nonsensical ramblings.
I am not arguing with you, I'm telling you.
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.
I AM prejudiced... against stupidity.
I am tolerant of your (fruitcake) beliefs
I am tolerant of your fruitcake like beliefs.
I beat you once you old dog, now I'll whip your butt again!
I can be anyone I want to be
I can offer you some artificial intelligence - it's really easy!
I can out brag you...I've got more source material!
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving again.
I can't remember names so I'll just call you butthead.
I consider "trivial mind" a compliment.
I could wax eloquent, but will spare you.
I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I cross my heart and hope you die!
I do not pretend to know what the ignorant are sure of.
I do not think you would accept my help, as I am waiting to kill you.
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture
would eat.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don't have an attitude problem--it's supposed to be like this
I don't have an attitude, babe--I AM an attitude
I don't have an overactive imagination--I live in an underactive
universe
I don't have PMS, I'm really a BITCH!!!
I don't have to prove I'm better than others...they KNOW it!
I don't know what I'd do without you, but I enjoy thinking about it!
I don't practice what I preach.I'm not the kind of person I preach to
I don't see you, so don't pretend to be there
I don't want you to turn the other cheek, it's just as ugly!
I drink 3 six-packs just so I can look at your face...
I finally found myself ... That's why I'm not here!
I find your breath offensive. It keeps you alive!
I found Jesus. He's in my trunk.
I got out of bed for *this*?
I guess THAT'LL hold the little bastards for a while.
I guess you could say that we're cut from a different cloth.
I had only 2 nerves left when I woke up AND NOW YOU'RE GETTING ON 'EM!
I have a collect call from reality, will you accept the---<click>
I have a sense of humor, I'm talking to you, aren't I ?
I have but three enemies: fear, anger, ignorance.
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear the president is naming you Secretary of the Inferior.
I heard you had a thought once - but it died of loneliness.
I heard you were at the dog show? Who won SECOND prize?
I heard you were such an ugly kid your mother breast fed you through a
straw.
I hope I didn't seem bitchy.. I can't afford it!
I just ignore @N@'s paranoid diatribe.
I know I'm disgusting drunk,but I'm paying for it - I can see 2 of you
I know which way the wind is blowing, but I have my own course to
follow.
I know you're not as stoopid as you seem. No one could be!
I know you're not as stupid as you seem. No one could be!
I like @FN@. He isn't as weird as the other two.
I like a man with integrity; just wish I knew one!
I like you way too much to kill you
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
I loggon, therefore I am
I love you Sooo Much, ...When Your Far Far Away
I luvs ya, but everyone else thinks you're an ass.
I may be a snot, but I'm a charming snot.
I may be stupid . . . but you're not clever!
I may be stupid, but that still makes me smarter than you.
I may be SynThetic, But, ...I'm not sutpid.
I may have no morals, but I've got high standards
I maybe fat, but your ugly-and I can lose weight!
I need a new computer. This one makes too many mistakes.
I need to drown my troubles, but I can't get YOU to go swimming.
I never believe anything until it's been officially denied
I never forget a face, but in your case I'm willing to make an
exception.
I really must learn not to argue with ignorance.

cHOW dAVID

Making fun of born again Christians is like hunting
dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope!


David Rawsthorne

unread,
Feb 5, 1996, 3:00:00 AM2/5/96
to
Roths <ren...@magellan.cloudnet.com> wrote:

>I need insults that can be used at a family show. I perform at a
>festival in Minnesota that has a game of insult tennis. This year, I
>would like some new ones and need some help.

I refuse to fight a duel of wits with an unarmed opponent!
I remember you-I knew you in a past life! You were a dipshit then too.
I respect the dead. In Fact, I'd only respect you if you died right
now!
I saved your life today -- killed a shit-eating dog.
I saw thou in the midst, under the guise of Nothing
I see no reason to stand here and be insulted. - Spock
I see that you weren't fully debugged before release.
I see that your second lobotomy finally took hold.
I see you are performing up to your standards.
I see your foot and your mouth have been introduced.
I spare not a single unit of thought on these cybernetic simpletons.
I speak for myself... no-one else would want the responsibility.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I still feel incomplete; friends are few and far between...
I take orders from one person! Me!
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
I think @FN@'s from the shallow end of the gene pool...
I think he's from the shallow end of the gene pool.
I think I knew you in a past life, you were a dipshit then too!
I think I understand what I just said!
I think I'm better than the people who are trying to reform me.
I think I'm going to be sick!! <BBBAARRRFFFF!!!!!>
I think someone's Crayola box is a few colors short...
I think the use-by date on your brain expired!!
I think you have me confused with someone who gives a shit!
I think you should live for the moment. But after that I doubt I'll
think so.
I thought it couldn't get worse, but then came @N@.
I thought it couldn't get worse, but then came you.
I used to be disgusted, but now I'm just amused.
I vacuum the wind for my sail.
I want to reach your mind--where is it currently located?
I want you to remain just the way you are --- QUIET!
I wanted to have a child (sob), not marry one!
I was born this way! What's your excuse?
I wasn't born a fool. It took work to get this way.
I wave my private parts at your auntie
I went to a freak show and got in free !
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you!
I will always love the false image I had of you.
I will fight for your right to your wrong opinion.
I wish there was a cure for your personality.
I wish you everything you wish me.
I wish you were easy going - but you're hard to get rid of.
I won't let you in to have a story to tell
I won't play 'Stupid' with @FN@... @FN@'s MUCH better at it!!
I wonder what you'd charge to haunt a house?
I would rather give birth to a chair.
I wouldn't piss in his mouth if his guts was afire.
I wouldn't spit in your ear if your brain was on fire
I wouldn't take you to a dog race! Even though I thought you could
win!
I'd be smarter if you knew enough to teach me...
I'd been the tempting one, stole her from herself.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I'd give good money if he'd shut up.
I'd invite you in, but you'd clash with the furniture.
I'd like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me
displeasure.
I'd like to pay you a compliment, but I can't think of a nice to say.
I'd like to slap your face...it deserves it!
I'd question things because I am human, and call NO man my father.
I'd rather be crazy than stupid.
I'd rather be right than politically correct.
I'd shake your hand like a man, not a god.
I'd slap you, but I just washed my hands.
I'd slap you, but shit splatters!
I'll buy you a funeral plot...IF you move right in!
I'll do it MY Waaaaay
I'll hit you so hard you 'll have to take off your shoes to shit!
I'll hit you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants to say hi!
I'll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy!
I'll hit you so hard your wife will fall!
I'll let you have the last word if you guarantee it will be your last.
I'll reply later, I seem to be gaging on my finger right now.
I'll take 'Famous @LN@s' for $1000, Alex.
I'm amazed your knuckles don't bleed when you walk.
I'm bored, I'm armed AND I'm off my medication.
I'm fat and you're ugly.... But...I can lose weight.
I'm feeling homicidal--say ANYTHING
I'm fine just the way I am! Why should *I* change?
I'm firm. You're obstinate. He's a pigheaded fool!
I'm glad you don't have a dual personality. This one's bad enough.
I'm gonna buy you some mouthwash...as a present to me!
I'm here @FN@. There's nothing to be afraid of...
I'm here for being crazy, not stupid.
I'm here to grovel before your wonderful Earth Alliance.
I'm in here for being crazy, not stupid.
I'm just verbally wizzin' on your Corn Flakes!
I'm miserable without you, it's like having you here.
I'm mooning you now, you just can't see me.
I'm not arrogant, I'm RIGHT!
I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am.
I'm not politically correct. I'm ideologically approved!
I'm not qualified to post here. I do it out of SPITE!
I'm not strange, you are!
I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'm NOT going!
I'm not young enough to know it ALL, like some people.
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself - why do you do it for free?
I'm patient with stupidity but not with those proud of it
I'm pondering the meaning of existence - not mine, your's!
I'm so free of fault, nature made me perfect!
I'm so glad to see you! I've run out of people to torment.
I'm sorry @FN@, did you say something?
I'm sorry, my IQ's over 80. You wouldn't be interested.
I'm STRAIGHT OUT in my opinion
I'm talking. Your killing time between thoughts.
I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid you're just a mirage.
I'm weird...but around here it's barely noticeable.
I'm your No. 1 fan. You're lucky I found you.
I've been waiting for you, @LN@. The circle is now complete.
I've compiled a list of your faults. It comes in 10 volumes.
I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I've had quite a bit to drink, you're beginning to look pretty good!
I've heard of hard-headed people, but...
I've never TRIED to insult you. I've never HAD to try.
I've seen afterbirth with more charisma!
I've seen better conversations in alphabet soup.
I've seen better legs in a bucket of chicken ...
I've traced your genealogy back to royalty - King Kong!
I've upped my standards, so up yours!
I've upped my standards. Now up yours!
Idiot (id-ee-it) n.- One who disagrees with you.
IDLENESS: Stupidity of the body.
Idleness: Stupidity of the body; Stupidity: Idleness of the mind.
if (output == CRAP) eat_words();
If @FN@ had a brain, he'd take it out and play with it.
If @FN@ knew 9 more things, he'd be an idiot.
If @FN@ said what he thought, he'd be speechless.
If @FN@ would only pay attention instead of playing with himself.
If all else fails, read the .DOCs
If all else fails, read the directions.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
If brains were C-4, @N@ couldn't blow his nose!
If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose.
If brains were dynamite, You donta have enough to blow the kneecap off
a flea.
If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose!
If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
If bullshit was music, you'd be a brass band!
If bullshit were music, you'd be a brass band.
IF dazzle<>'brilliance' THEN;SET baffle='bullshit';END
If E=MC squared, then I=ME, DaFt...
If God is a god of love, how can his followers promote so much hate?
If He had a brain, he'd take it out and play with it.
If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
If He knew 9 more things, he'd be an idiot.
If He said what he thought, he'd be speechless.
If he were any lazier he'd slip into a coma.
If He would only pay attention instead of playing with himself.
If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
If I had a choice of weapons with you, sir, I'd choose grammar.
If I had a hammer, I'd hit you over the head.
If I had your mind, I'd want to be out of it, too!
If I want any shit outta you I'll squeeze your head.
If I want your opinion, @FN@, I'll ask you to fill out the forms.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you
If I wanted your opinion, I would have given it to you
If I'd known you were a cad, I woulda drawn a picci
If I'd miss you when you're gone - would you leave now?
If I'm so wrong, why can't you prove it?
If I've cleared up anything, I'm terribly sorry about it.
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If ignorance is bliss, the White House must be heaven on earth!
If ignorance is bliss, why are you still bitching?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If ignorance is bliss, why does it breed so much hate?
If it's stupid and it works - it's not stupid.
If it's working PLEASE ...Don't make Love to it!!!
If looks could kill...you'd be forced to wear a mask!
If morons could fly, it'd be pitch black outside.
If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave it's ass and make it walk
backwards.
If my dog looked like you I'd shave his a** and walk him backwards.
If people listened to themselves, they would shut up.
If someone sees @N@, laugh at him for me.
If stupidity had survival value, he would live forever.
If stupidity had survival value, you would live forever.
If that's the way you want to be about it ...
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
If there was an ugly museum, you'd be a prize posession!
If there's anything larger than my ego, I want it shot immediately.
If they can send a man to the moon...why not send 'em all
If they say the thrill is gone, then it's time to take it back.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If this is a battle, then you have already lost!
If three people say you are an ass, put on a bridle.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If Windows sucked it would be good for something.
If ya can't say anything nice, sit by me.
If ya was twice as smart as ya tinks ya'is, you'd 'ave da IQ of a
rock.
If you are in it up to your ears, don't open your mouth!
If you are willing to die, you can do anything!
If you aren't going all the way, why go at all?
If you can find a village without an idiot, you've got a job.
If you can read this, BACK OFF!
If you can read this, you are in Phaser Range!
If you can read this, you're in range
If you can't be offensive WHY BOTHER?
If you can't be right, at least be careful
If you can't beat them, or join them to get away from them
If you can't bite, don't show your teeth.
If you can't laugh at yourself then I'll laugh at you.
If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?
If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
If you can't run with the big dogs, keep your puppy ass on the porch!
If you can't to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly
If you don't care where you are, then you can't get lost.
If you don't like my attitude call 1-800-WHO-CARES.
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
If you don't mind your business you either have no mind or no
business.
If you ever become a parent..can I have one of your puppies?
If you ever need a friend, buy a dog.
If you fell into a barrel of tits you'd come up sucking your thumb.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you had a wooden leg you'd be shit on a stick!
If you have an opinion we'll FLAME it.
If you have to ask the question, you won't understand the answer.
If you have to raise your voice, you've already lost the argument.
If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
If you knew what you're talking about, you'd be dangerous
If you like sex and travel, go take a fuckin' hike
If you REALLY must stay, please leave
If You Say Nothing, No One Will Repeat It
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If you take away the fuel, in time the flames will die.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
If you thought you had a brain, think again!
If you're going to make fun of someone, start with yourself.
If you're not a hemmoroid get off my ass!
If you're not a hemorrhoid, Then get out of my arse.
If you're offended now, try playing my message backwards.
If you're stubborn and you know it stamp your feet! (stamp stamp)
If you've short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone
If your attack is going well, you have just walked into a ambush.
If your front porch collapsed would it kill more than three dogs?
If your mind goes blank, remember to turn down the sound.
If your parents are worriers...I can see why!
If your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
Ignorance & apathy: I don't know & I don't care.
Ignorance + apathy = I don't know and I don't care.
Ignorance can be cured by learning, but what of hatred & racism?
Ignorance can be cured. Stupidity can be lethal.
Ignorance can be cured. Stupidity, now that's permanent.
Ignorance can be fixed, stupid is forever.
Ignorance is a *fault*, not an excuse.
Ignorance is bliss, but it will NEVER replace sex.
Ignorance is bliss. I can tell you are real happy too!
Ignorance is temporary - Stupidity is forever.
Ignorance is temporary, but stupidity is forever.
Ignorance is temporary; stupid is forever.
Ignorance is where learning begins....
Ignorance isn't bliss when it comes to your tax dollars.
Ignorance leads to Indulgence.
Ignorance of one's ignorance is the greatest ignorance.
Ignorance won't kill you, but it is a nuisance!
Ignorance won't kill you, but it makes you sweat a lot.
Ignorance=Bliss? Why aren't more people happy??
Igor, strap @FN@ to the table....
Illigitimii non Carburundum. (don't let the Bast**s grind you down.
Illustrate your Sermons! Wear "far side" ties.
IMAGINE! I was accused of being an ADULT the other day!
Imminent death of the Net predicted--GIFs at 11
Imprison myself and stay in a shell
Improve Sex Life, Lose 400 lbs, Wash Behind Your Ears
Improve the average conversation: Constantly reply "I don't know".
In a fight between you and the world, back the world.
In fact, I DON'T put my pants on one leg on leg at a time
In my book you're a great guy. But then, it IS a work of fiction....
In my life, all I wanted was the keeping of someone like you.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is insane.
In the land of the witless, the halfwit is king


In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.

In your case R Multiple Personalities and Multiple Aliases Equivalent?
Inbred and proud of it!
Incoming fire has right of way.
Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
Indians worship the cow. You worship an ass - yourself!
Informationally deprived.
Insert brain, then type
Insert New Disk for Drive C: Press ENTER when ready.
Instead of being born again, why not just grow up?
Intellectually challenged.
Intellectually unencumbered -- stupid
Intelligence is infinite but bounded. Ignorance is just infinite.
Intelligence is like a river, the deeper it is, the less noise it
makes.
Intestines only hold so much before one end has to open!
Is @N@ really @N@ or just his evil twin Skippy?
Is @N@ still recognized at cockfights?
Is Darth Vader YOUR father, too?
Is it you and I who are crazy, or is it everyone else?
Is that a pimple on your ass or a brain tumor?
Is that you singing or my hard drive whining?
Is that your face, or did your neck explode?
Is that your face?......Or an open wound?
Is the primary color of your car bondo?
Is this bullshit or fertilizer?
Is your brother-in-law also your uncle?
Is your lifetime goal to own a fireworks stand?
Isn't "Brotherly Love" a wonderful sight to behold?
Isn't there a statute of limitations on stupidity?
It all makes sense if you take every other word...
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
It helps if you plug it in.
It is absolutely a-MAZING how much ignorance (and hatred) there is in
a
It is always dark if you don't open your eyes.
It is always darkest just before you turn on the lights.
It is because of people like you that they invented birth control
pills!
It is better to know useless things than to know nothing.
It is hard to believe that even his friends like @N@.
It is hard to believe that even his friends like him.
It is impossible to please the whole world and your mother-in-law.
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
probl
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
problem.
It is necessary to have purpose.
It is the nature of our species to be free.
It may be just morbid curiousity, but I'd like to see your parents.
It only takes a small oven to produce a half-baked idea.
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
It was casual to the most obvious observer..
It was long ago, and it was far away.
It works better if you plug it in *AND THEN* turn it on.
It's @FN@ Don't Confuse Me With The Facts @LN@.
It's a control freak thing--I won't let you understand
It's a Mensa thing. You wouldn't understand. Really.
It's a pity stupidity isn't painful.
It's ALWAYS dark if you never open your eyes!
It's amazing how much you learn after thinking you know it all.
It's another fine mess you got us into, Ollie
It's as bad as you think and they *are* out to get you.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now
It's been nice meeting you, and nicer to see you leave.
It's better the world wonder why you *AREN'T* President.
It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
It's Goodyear Tire ... He's tread, Jim ...
It's hard to type in a straightjacket.
It's innocence when it charms us, ignorance when it doesn't.
It's more fun to talk about you, than to you.
It's nobody's business, not even mine.
It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes his face ache!
It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?
It's okay to call someone stupid; just don't prove it.
It's people like you, who make people like me above average.
It's Pillsbury Doughboy ... He's bread, Jim ...
It's stupid to continue doing what doesn't work.
It's time to have a new reign of power.
It's time to RISE!
It's time to spread the word; let the voice be heard.
It's too bad ignorance isn't painful.
Its a long long rope they use to hang you soon I hope...
James Watt is so dense, he absorbs neutrinos.
JB-=>... A chat with you, and death loses its sting!
Jesus love you. I think you're s**t wrapped in skin.
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a butthead.
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a jerk!
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a moron.
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an ass.
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an idiot.
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a moron.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Johnny, what do we have in the way of parting gifts for @FN@?
Join the @N@ fan club. Tar & feathers will be provided.
Jumping to conclusions can be a bad exercise ..
Just a lil angel with a dirty face.
Just another inmate in this insane world.
Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating
Just because you say it doesn't make it true.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT trying to get
you.
Just do it...explore the possibilities!!!
Just ignore him. He has no idea what he's talking abo
Just My Opinion (But I'm Always Right!)
Just My Opinion (But I'm Right!)
just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason, too.
Just when you thought it was over you were right.
Justified flamethrowing withheld at Moderator's request.
K-Mart $1.89 Blue Wave Special - includes stolen taglines.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Keep honking... I'm reloading.
Keep it stupid, simple.
Kicked wide of the goal with such precision.
Kirk: "Scotty, we must be in ..... Look at all the fertilizer."
Kiss my ASCII.
Kitman's Law: Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel.
Kneel. Your are in the presence of Greatness.
Knitting with only one needle.
Lack of skill dictates economy of style.
last_laugh = gloat();
LATER..........AS IN MUCH!!
Laugh and the world thinks you are an idiot!
Laugh while you can, MonkeyBoy!.
Learn from your parent's mistakes: Use Birth Control!
Learn something NEW today!
Learn to love me - 'cause I AIN'T leavin' !!!
Lee Harvey Oswald...where are you when we need you?
Left his booster on the launch pad.
Left the store without all of his groceries.
LET ACCURACY TRIUMPH OVER VICTORY.
Let length(Long_Walk) > length(Short_Pier)
Let me see what happen when you roll your face on the keyboard.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let overwhelming ambition be your coach.
Let them live their own poisoned little lives...
Let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
Let yourself go! No one wants you.
Let's burn something. huh huh huh Yeah, that'd be cool! huh huh huh
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each
other again.
Let's not post to @N@. He is a silly person.
Let's play house. You'll be the door and I'll slam you!
Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth.
Lies People Tell: "Im your best friend in LTUAE".
Life is wasted on the living.
Lighten up guys! It was just a joke...
Lights are on but nobody's home.
Like/head/wall/banging/feels/good/when/stop/
Listen to BOTH sides of their mouth!
Little things affect little minds.
Live in a hole but stay close to my kind
Live Long and Suffer.
Living proof that beautiful mutants exist among us.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Lock and load, @FN@. It's a turkey shoot and I got a bead on you!
Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers which smell BAD!
Look into his eyes, and see if someone else is driving.
Look that up in your Funk and Wagnalls
Loose it here and you're in a World of hurts !!
Lose ugly fat now...cut off your head!
Love & scandal are coffee's best sweeteners.
Love your enemies -- it makes them so damned mad.
Low on thinking gas.
LTUAE - ROAD: Roll over and die
LTUAE (NON EXISTANT) CABAL MOTTO: Feed my ego..
LTUAE (NON EXISTENT) CABALAL: Imprison myself and stay in a shell
LTUAE Clue No.1: There *are* no clues...
LTUAE Clue No.1: This is a clueless echo...
LTUAE is to friendliness, what being burnt alive is to health....
LTUAE MOTTO: Excuse me if I sound bitter... I taste that way too.
LTUAE Rule No.1: There are NO RULES!
LTUAE's Fourth Rule: In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
LTUAE: Branch to False Assumption
LTUAE: When the green flag drops, the bullsh!t stops!
LTUAE: "And the wind blows still. And the wind blows wild again."
LTUAE: "Any way the wind blows..."
LTUAE: "Bow down before the ones you serve..."
LTUAE: "I'll play fair if I get to make up the rules."
LTUAE: "One grows tired of everything. Except power. "--Doctor Who
LTUAE: "That's one big pile of shit" -Dr. Ian Malcolm
LTUAE: "You're not worthy! You're not worthy!"
LTUAE: A bigot will not reason; a fool cannot; a slave dare not.
LTUAE: A cesspit where the turds rise to the top.
LTUAE: A cynic's work is never done
LTUAE: A fool attacks unpredictably and on a wider front
LTUAE: All for one, one for all, but me above all!
LTUAE: All of us, one of us, all of us - dominate, and take the world!
LTUAE: And I've got 4,567,934 archived messages to prove it.
LTUAE: Anything you say will be distorted, remixed and used against
you
LTUAE: At any time/place, our snipers can drop you. Have a nice day!
LTUAE: Because I'm the writer, that's why!
LTUAE: Being placed on a pedestal is a RIGHT, not a privilege.
LTUAE: Blame is better to give than receive
LTUAE: Brain damage is what we were after
LTUAE: Branch to False Assumption
LTUAE: Certified Public Echo Assassin
LTUAE: Class, today we will learn how to edit previous quotes.
LTUAE: Class, today we will learn how to edit quotes.
LTUAE: Clinical studies show there are no answers.
LTUAE: Cream isn't all that floats to the top.
LTUAE: Dancin' fool [picture of dancing jester]
LTUAE: Deja crap: This shit looks familiar
LTUAE: Do what I mean, not what I say!
LTUAE: Don't just stand there--scratch my back!
LTUAE: Don't just stand there...KNEEL!
LTUAE: Don't keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
LTUAE: Don't listen to THEIR foolishness! Listen to MINE!
LTUAE: Electronic Latrine, or Philosophic Melting-Pot?
LTUAE: Explaining the Unkown by means of the Unobservable!
LTUAE: Go ahead and touch me. I want you to feel good.
LTUAE: Go Lemmings Go!
LTUAE: Gramatically perfect but morally crippled
LTUAE: Hate this, hate you, hate this - right approach for the wrong!
LTUAE: Having more fun than getting a root canal.
LTUAE: He who spares the guilty threatens the innocent.
LTUAE: Hold it! Grammar Police! Drop that dangling participle!
LTUAE: I believe in equality, all people are equally inferior to me.
LTUAE: I can outbrag you...I've got more source material!
LTUAE: I don't delegate responsibility--I delegate blame
LTUAE: I don't expect you to applaud me. Bowing will do.
LTUAE: I don't have to prove I'm better than others...they KNOW it!
LTUAE: I don't mean to make you feel guilty, but I would if I could
LTUAE: I like having people disagree with me. It proves I'm right.
LTUAE: I love my attitude problem
LTUAE: I may have my faults, but wrong isn't one of them.
LTUAE: I win by default. --Rimmer.
LTUAE: I'm cleaverly disguised as a responsible adult.
LTUAE: I'm flexible, just don't change anything!!
LTUAE: I'm the world's foremost authority on my own opinion
LTUAE: If we were all perfect, there wouldn't be so many of us!
LTUAE: If you have nothing good to say, make something up

David Rawsthorne

unread,
Feb 5, 1996, 3:00:00 AM2/5/96
to
Roths <ren...@magellan.cloudnet.com> wrote:

>I need insults that can be used at a family show. I perform at a
>festival in Minnesota that has a game of insult tennis. This year, I
>would like some new ones and need some help.

Since life goes on, you might as well get on with it.
Since you're thru telling me about yourself, got anymore slob stories?
Singing the LTUAE Me-be Anthem..
Singing the LTUAE Me-be Anthem.. I'll do it MY Waaaaay
Sit on it!
Six million sperm, and *YOU* were the fastest???
Skating away on the thin ice of a new day
Slit your wrists - it will lower your blood pressure
Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
So fat that people jump over him rather than go around.
So how long, exactly, have you had the delusion that you were human?
So I'm an idiot sometimes. Keeps people on their toes.
So is this neat or what?!
So Lo behold my eyes; this land of fools shall rise
So many idiotstoo few flame-throwers...
So many stupid people, SO few bullets.
So much for Christian tolerance...
So slow he has to speed up to stop.
So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
So who pissed on your Wheaties?
So, where do you see yourself in the next five thousand years?
So? What do you want ME to do about it?
Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
Solution: A more subtle problem.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Some folks ain't wrapped too tight.
Some folks are lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut.
Some men are alive simply because it's against the law to kill them.
Some minds are like concrete: all mixed up & permanently set.
Some minds should be cultivated, others plowed under...!
Some people are born stupid, others work to acquire it.
Some people drink at the fountain of knowledge, others gargle.
Some people grasp stupidity as though it were a virtue.
Some people just don't know when to quit
Some think @N@ as hypocrisy personified.
Some think @N@ as ignorance personified.
Some think Michael Jones as ignorance personified.
Some think of @N@ as ignorance personified.
Somebody's got to lie in front of the bulldozer, haven't they?
Someone blew out his pilot light.
Someone said you weren't fit to eat with the pigs , I said you were .
Something's gonna change your mind.
Sometimes the depths of your ignorance amazes even me.
Sometimes your wealth of ignorance amazes me.
Sometimes, I feel so sorry; I regret this, the hurting of you.
Son of Suzy Creamcheese and it shows.
Sorry @FN@, you are not cleared for that information.
Sorry @FN@, Your brain came with NO warranty and it's NOT exchangable.
Sorry about the crayon. They won't let me have any sharp objects.
Sorry about your Rectocranial Inversion.
Sorry, but I can't think of an insult stupid enough for you.
Sorry, can't think of an insult stupid enough for you.
Sorry, the brain you have reached is disconnected...
Split hairs any finer and you'll end up with split ends.
Spurs only piss a horse off... Works okay on @FN@, though.
Squirrel food.
Stamp out dope! Twit filter Patrick Long!
Stamp out dope! Twit filter @N@!
STEP 12:Having had a spiritual awakening as a result ....
Still trying to figure out who he is.
Still trying to figure out who they are.
Stop being a Pecker, learn to type using all your fingers!
Stop Global Warming -- Glue @Ff@'s Mouth Shut!!!
Stop it, @FN@! You know you'll go blind!
Stop talking while I'm interrupting.
Strange game, the only winning move is not to play.
Stupid People shouldn't breathe
Stupid: Being unable to find your own butt in the dark.
Stupidity has no limits, genius does.
Stupidity is defined only by the limits of humanity
Stupidity is generally its own punishment.
Stupidity is no excuse for not thinking.
STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park elsewhere!
Stupidity isn't contagious, bad reputation is!
STUPIDITY: Idleness of the mind.
Stupidometer: ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ±± (98)
Subtle as a fart in church!
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
Sure I can help you out, which way did you come in?
Sure I know how to copy disks. Where's the Xerox machine?
Swell-head: Nature's frantic effort to fill a vacuum.
Sysop not found! Please notify computer.
TACT : a mutual agreement to be full of s**t!
Tact is for weenies.
TAGLINE echo! This is almost as bad as the religious/political echos.
Tagline Evaluation: [ ]Humorous [ ]Insightful [x]Stupid
Tags for the enjoyment of all? To those who take part in this spread
of
Take it as it comes.
Take it for what it's Worthless
Take it from me - he's got the goods.
Take my advice...I'm not using it
Take my advice...I'm not using it anyway!
Take off, eh!
Take This 'Conference' and Shove It.
Take this s**t to the DeadHorse Conference!!!
Take time to listen...
Take time to smell the roses...and trees, grass, rocks, fire hydrants
Take two asprin and see the Dept of Neural-Surgery immediately!
Talk is cheap - Because supply exceeds demand.
Talk is cheap since supply exceeds demand.
Talk or scream. The choice is yours, @N@.
Talk or whine. The choice is yours, @FN@.
Talk or whine. The choice is yours, @N@.
Tammy Faye loves you. Everyone else thinks youre an ass
Taste tester for Alpo.
Taught when we're young to hate one another...
Teaching can cure ignorance, but what of hatred and bigotry?
Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
Teflon brain -- nothing sticks.
Tell it to the Judge
Tell me again how I'm lucky to work here..I keep forgetting
Tell me everything you know. I have a few seconds to kill.
Termites've Have Eaten Thru To Your Top Layer
Thank you for encouraging my behavior.
Thank you for making the last moments of my life socially awkward.
Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
Thank you for reading this message!
THANK YOU for the opportunity to enhance my TWIT list.
Thank you for the wonderful tag line
Thank you so much, @FN@, for your comment. Now, back to your cage!
Thank you.
That explains everything but your inability to coherently express
yourself.
That little @LN@ boy is going to cause me a lot of trouble!
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all
That was a favor I did you?
That was then and this is NOW!
That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
That's a smug aura of respectability you see in a mirror?
That's about as serious as I get! <grin>
That's about the sum of it.
That's all Folks
That's inches away from being millimetre perfect
That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!
That's no way to behave on your first day out!
That's okay, my mother didn't BEAR me either!
That's Why God Invented Grenade Launchers!
That's why GOD made your eyes; to plagiarize.
The #@#$ universe keeps drifting off frequency!
The 10 million byte flamethrower.
The above opinion is worth 2 cents.
The absent are always at fault.
The agony of delete.
The answer is ashdkjhasdhgsaghjadgasdsad
The arrogance of age must submit to be taught by youth.
The art of holding 8 oz of liquid in your mouth without swallowing?
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
The basis of optimism is sheer terror.
The beatings will continue until morale improves!
The best blood at times gets into fools and mosquitoes.
The best defense against logic is stupidity.
The best part of you ran down your mothers legs.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get
up in the
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get
up in the morning, and does
not stop until you get into the office.
The doctor will see you now, @FN@. Please disrobe!
The Doctors should have thrown you out and kept the afterbirth.
The easy way is always mined.
The enemy attacks on two occasions: when you are/are not ready.
The enemy diversion you've been ignoring is the main attack.
The excremental matter hit the air circulation system!
The eye's are open,the mouth moves,but Mr.Brain has long since departe
The FACTS keep interfering with your theories, @N@!
The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion.
The going got weird, and he turned pro.
The greater the ignorance the greater the dogmatism.
The guy sure looks like plant food to me!
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame
The Lab called. Your brain is ready!
The last thing I saw was this big Blue Wave.


The LEAST dangerous man in America!

The Light at the End of the Tunnel Could be a flame thrower
The mad quoter!
The man who invented the eraser had the human race pretty well sized
up.
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
The most dangerous part of a car is @N@ at the steering wheel.
The most violent element in society is ignorance.
the new,inexperienced new kid on the block
The next time I run into you...I hope I'm in my car!
The next time you wash your neck, be sure to wring it!
The only CHARM you have is a rabbit's foot.
The only difference between her and it is the lipstick.
The only difference between you and a bucket of shit is the bucket.
The only thing some people do is grow older.
The only thing that has been filled is the palm of your hand
The only thing worse than a dumb bigot is a smart bigot.
The Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
The perfect run: When the annual inventory tells them they were hit.


The person who brought you the beer milkshake.

The pleasure's been all yours, I'm sure.
The primary cause of maleness is damage to one of the X chromosomes.
The releasing of anger can better any medicine under the sun.
The Results of your IQ test came back. They're negative.
The show-off is always shown-up in a show-down.
The stupidest question is the one unasked.
The sun isn't the center of the universe. I AM!
The third Warner Brother on Animaniacs.
The trouble with living sacrifices is they keep crawling off the
altar.
The truth in right and wrong; the boundaries of the law.
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
The ugliest outfit you could wear is your birthday suit!
The universe is laughing at you behind your back.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
The universe is laughing behind your back. I'm laughing to your face.
The useless bit of skin on the end of the penis: the man.
The walkin' dead ain't very impressive with no kneecaps!
The way for you to find happiness is to get amnesia.
The way to procure insults is to submit to them.
The wise learn more from fools than fools from the wise
The wisest mind has something yet to learn.
The work of the world does not wait to be done by perfect people.
The world is a madhouse ....That's why it makes sense to @FN@.
There @FN@ goes again, confusing me with real life!
There are no stupid questions, except for the ones you ask.
There are no tears for peace, or the common sympathies.
There are some things I can't do. I can't make you as good as I am!
There are two things I don't like about you - your face.
There are two ways to handle women, and you know neither.
There comes a time withing everyone to close your eyes to what's real.
There goes @FN@, bringing up *dead issues* for consideration.
There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head.
There is a hole in your mind.
There is always a way.
There is no defense except stupidity against a new idea.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no need to visit a mad-house to find lunatics.
There is nothing more horrifying than stupidity in action.
There will always be survivors. - Robert Heinlen
There you go again--thinking you have rights
There you go, @FN@! For the first time you're wrong again!
THERE! I've run rings around you logically.
There's a leak in his ceiling.
There's a lesson in there somewhere.
There's a problem with race beccause of ignorance past burned fires.
There's a sucker born every minute!
There's a whiskey named after you - Old Crow!
There's a Yankee in my closet - will trade for skeleton.
There's always 1 more SOB than you counted on
There's no substitute for education; May I suggest you GET one?
There's no wind in the windmills of his mind.
There's one behind every Zipper!
There's only two things wrong with you. Everything you do and say.
There's something inside your head...
They all look the same face down with their legs spread.
They never let you live it down. One little mistake.
They say the wages of sin is death. I wish you'd get paid!
They've gone potty in here!
Thick as a brick.
Things tend to drag me down; don't understand so they hate me now.
Think hard now, @FN@, which one is Shinola?
Think! It may be a new experience for you.
Think! It may hurt, but it pays off over time.
Think! While it's still legal!!
Thinks at 5 baud.
This fellow's wise enough to play the fool.
This gift in pain, her pain was life.
This is a CONFERENCE - not a podium.
This is a FLAME echo?!? I fireball @N@!
This is a good day to let down old friends who need help.
This is abuse. Arguments are down the hall.
This is starting to get boring...
This is the part where @FN@'s head explodes.
This note edited for the ironically impaired.
This tagline is made just for me!
This world really could use more people like me..
Those acting classes are really paying off @FN@!
Those rowing the boat usually don't have time to rock it.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, supervise!
Those who live by the nit, die by the nit
Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
Three more neurons and you'd make a good mollusk!
Thus ends the attitude lesson for the day..
Thus with my sheers I snip thy thread, thusly
TIME's 1995 Moron of the Year.
Timothy: A DNA sequencing error between a dinosaur and a Slug.
Tis a pity thy mouth be mantled with teeth to spoil the perfect
arsehole.
To any objective person it'd be obvious that I'm right.
To avoid seeing a fool...break your mirror!
To be too clever is to be stupid.
To err is human, to forgive is unthinkable.
To keep your teeth in good shape, mind your own business.
To repel attackers, instead of mace you have your face!
Tomahawk Cruise Missiles. When you care to send the best!
Too bad about your Rectocranial Inversion.Get well soon
Too bad ignorance isn't painful.
Too bad stupidity isn't painful
Too bad that stupidity isn't painful...
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Too stupid to know what I'm involved in.
Tradition is no excuse for insensitivity or racism.
Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.
Train of thought derailed.
Train of thought is still boarding at the station.
Train ofÐ hought derÐ.Ðiailed.
Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Truely you have a dizzying intellect..
Trust me, @FN@. Have I ever lied to you before?
Truth is the last thing folks want to hear.
Try cooling coffee by holding it closer to your heart.
Try that refreshing new feeling - THINK!
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
Turn it up!!, Louder! Now I can't hear you!
Turn our backs on those who oppose.
Turn the key off...your mouth is still running.
Twinkle twinkle little star, what you say is what you are.-Joe Sumrall
Twit of the Year 1994. Congratulations!
Two bits shy of a word.
Two most common elements: hydrogen, stupidity
Two saucers short of a tea-service.
Two tacos short of a combination plate.
Type unto others as you would have them type unto you.
Uglier than a mud-fence after a rain storm.
Ugly? Well... don't take her near a fire hydrant.
Uh...@FN@, could you pick your butt with your nose? huh huh huh
Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
Unfair! A battle of wits and you've come unarmed!
Unless you've got some sort of a PROBLEM with that...
Up Saturn! Up Jupiter! Up Uranus!
up your ass
Up your Nose with a rubber hose!
URA Redneck if your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
Use the twit list, @FN@! Use the twit list!
Use your head! It's the little things that count
Use your wit to amuse, not abuse nor confuse the stupid.
Useless as windshield wipers on a duck's ass.
Useless, but decorative.
Usually insane; in lucid moments merely stupid.
Vacancy on the top floor.
Variables won`t; constants aren`t; dummies can't.
Vasectomy: below the belt lobotomy for one track minds.
Vertically-fornicated mind.
Vicious circle - your open mouth!
Wana know what they say about you, .....Hummm...
Warm Fuzzies beat Cold Pricklies anyday!
WARNING! Tagline thief in this echo, named @N@!
Warning! Taking @N@ seriously can cause headaches.
WARNING: The Surgeon General Started Smoking!
Was dropped on his head when he was a baby.
Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
Was hiding behind the door when they passed out brains.
Was napping in the nut pile the day that God was cracking nuts.
Was that you I saw in that adult GIF, @FN@?
Was you born that way, or did your mama marry an armadillo?
Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been. ...
Wasn't abused as a child, buthoulÐdd have been.
Wasn't strapped in during launch.
Watch yourself! No one else can stand to.
We aim to please, but we shoot to kill
We are all in the gutter, some of us are looking at stars
We are what we pretend to be.
We could never replace you - we don't know what you ARE!
We gave @FN@ an enema & found the other half of his brain.
We have met the enemy - and he tasted GREAT!
We have standards and expect you not to exceed them.
We have standards around here and expect you not to exceed them.
We now return to our regularly scheduled flame-throwing.
We walk on like an elephant and back off like a giraffe.
We'd sell out in an instant if someone was buying.
We're NOT gonna take it!
We've been through so much together and most of it was your fault!
We've got no time to lose; your news is old news.
We've lived with past mistakes, and we've lived with our own.
We've missed you; we'll aim better next time!
Weasels Ripped My Flesh!
Welcome @FN@, to Totally Hidden Psychiatrist!
Welcome to Hell. I'm your case worker.
Welcome to Linguistic Hell. Have fun!
Welcome to Lithgow.. Now go home!
Welcome to Sydney... Now go home!
Welcome to the afterlife, @FN@. You're dead.
Well I can't hear a thing! Let's go to the stoning.
Well it's cold and lonely in the deep dark night
Well, excu-u-u-u-se me.
Well, I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much.
Well, if it isn't Mrs.@LN@'s little boy @FN@!
Well, let's just say the cheese has slid off her crackers.
Well, this is exciting.
Well, what is it you want, @FN@?
Were you born stupid, @FN@ or have you been practicing?
Were you born that way, or did your mom marry an armadillo?
Were your bath toys a toaster & radio too?.......
Whadda ya want for nothin'? Rubber biscuit?
Whadya know? Not much, you?
What a *senseless* waste of human life.
What a coincidence! I've been there!!!!
What a fix we are in. Peace has been declared...
What a surprise, you ARE dumber than you look!
What an accident! I had the right of way, but he had the truck!
What are you doing, @FN@? The message is over! Move on!
What are you going to do with your life?
What are you gonna do? Bleed on me?
What Are You Looking For? Nothing's Here!
What aspect of _NO_ dont' you understand?
What can be put in a nutshell ought to stay there!
What can I say? I'm awestruck.
What did you get on your IQ test, drool?
What exactly is on your mind? (If you'll excuse the exaggeration.)
What he have here is a Maalox moment.
What hope is there for the world if I die?
What is it like to make a mistake?
What is the meaning of life in 50 words or less
What is the sound of a bear sh*ting in the woods?
What kind of idiot would set boobytraps in his own home?
What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
What part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
What part of my brilliance don't you understand?
What part of NO didn't you understand?
What rubble under that stubble.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What the hell, go and put all your eggs in one basket.
What this world needs is a damn good plague.
What to do about ignorance & apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
What we have here, is a NEED to communicate!
What World Are You On? I'd Like To Visit Sometime.
What you can do to stop obscene phone calls: Don't make them!
What you lack in good looks, you make up for in stoopidity.
What you lack in good looks, you make up for in stupidity.
What you resist, persists.-Joe Sumrall
What you see can depend on what you look for.
What's @N@'s favorite whine?
What's on your mind - if you'll please excuse the exaggeration.
What's the matter afraid I can get more pussy than you.
What's the matter. Get your pecker caught in the plumbing this
morning?
What's the point in righting if you don't offend someone?
What's the use? Yesterday an egg, tomorrow a feather duster.
What's wrong with your mind?!?
Whatever is well conceived can be well expressed.
Whatever it is, whenever it occurs, I'm against it.
When @N@ opens his mouth, the barometric pressure drops.
When confronted, we ask them the question, what's wrong with their
minds
When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
When I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails.
When in doubt, be positive, mumble loud!
When in doubt, mumble.
When in doubt........rack off!
When it comes to thought, @N@ stops at nothing.
When it's all said and done, then he tells us...
When life deals you a hard blow, So can I, big boy
When someone asks for ID do you show them your belt buckle?
When talking nonsense try not to be serious.
When the going gets tough, @N@ runs away.
When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky.
When the going gets tougverybody leaves.
When you are at a loss for words, your loss is our gain.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you die and people ask me what you died of,I'll say your
stupidity.
When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
When you use to play in the sand box and the cat would cover you up.
When you were born the doctor slapped your mother.
When you were born, did they quarantine the maternity ward?
When your argument is weak tell the 'BIG LIE'
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, reform.
Where are you going, and why are you in a handbasket?
Where did THIS guy come from?
Where I come from, size, shape or color makes no difference.
Where intellectual giants come to frolic...it's a pity they never
post.
While the lunatic dreams the Earth changes.
Who is General Failure and why's he reading my hard disk?
Who is more foolish, the fool, or he who follows the fool?
Who needs drugs, I've got you.
Who the hell ARE you and what DO you want?
WHOA! LOOK OUT EVERYONE! HE'S GOING TO BLOW!
Whoops....do I feel a little silly or what?
Why do you folks have to go and subject others to this kind of
Why don't you do yourself a favor...break all your mirrors!
Why don't you go find a cliff and jump to a conclusion?
Why don't you help keep the world clean...get yourself sterilized!
Why don't you pretend you're somebody pleasant?
Why don't you sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg
Why don't you sue your brains for non-support?
Why don't you take out a loan and buy a CLUE??!!!??
Why experiment on animals? Just use @N@.
Why is your nose black? You snorting laser toner again?
Why should we pay any attention to @N@?
Why waste my breath upon the ears of a deaf man?
Why, @FN@, how very Freudian of you!
Will Rogers never met @N@.
Will Rogers never met Patrick Long.
Will Rogers obviously never met @FN@.
Wipe your nose. Your brains are leaking.
With 1/2 my brain tied behind my back, to be fair to you...
With a shower of sand, I say, "Sleep, @f."


With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.

With your looks, you shouldn't say hello. You should say BOO!
With your personality, you don't have to worry about birth control.
Without a doubt, without a clue! @N@, that's who.
Without my ignorance, your knowledge would be meaningless.
Without my ignorance, your knowledge would be useless.
Woe is you @FN@ - happiness is me!
Wot? In the same glass? You are a sick puppy.
Would *I* ever suggest anything of the sort?
Would impalement help get the point across?
Wow! Look who's down in the dirt with the dogs!
Write complaint legibly in this box: []
Writing to Washington won't help -- he's dead!
WYMI: the all-philosophy radio station.
Yeah @FN@, it's fluff. But it's INTENSE fluff!
Yeah...and some day the sun will die out.
Yeeeeeww SICK LITTLE MONKEY!

David Rawsthorne

unread,
Feb 5, 1996, 3:00:00 AM2/5/96
to
Roths <ren...@magellan.cloudnet.com> wrote:

>I need insults that can be used at a family show. I perform at a
>festival in Minnesota that has a game of insult tennis. This year, I
>would like some new ones and need some help.

Yes, I *DO* look deceptively intelligent. >;-}
Yo Mama's so dumb: She asked for a price check at the $1.00 store
Yo Mama's so fat: Her butt looks like 2 pigs fightin' over Milkduds
Yo Mama's so fat: They baptized her at Sea World
Yo Mama's so old:God said let there be light & she flipped the switch
Yo Mama's so short: She poses for trophies
Yo so fat, when yo steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please".
Yo so fat, yo steps on a scale, it read "...to be continued".
Yo so grouchy, the McDonalds yo works in doesn't even serve Happy
Meals.
Yo so old, when Moses parted the Red Sea, yo was on the other side.
You ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer!
You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here.
You are a fuckchop modeled in dog shit, and not worth pissing on.
You are a perfect example of why some animals eat their young.
You are a Quat (One Cum short of a cumquat ;-)
You are a rare treasure. Maybe someone will bury you.
You are acting like overdoped silicon.
You are an example of why some animals eat their young.
You are an insult to my intelligence! I demand that you log off
immediately.
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
You are fat if helicopters try and land on your back.
You are fat if your toilet has shocks on it.
You are in a maze of twisty little directories, all alike
You are only as good as everyone else thinks !
You are only young once, but it is easy to stay immature.
You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are operating from an ignorance of the facts. Stop.
You are overwhelmingly average.
You are right, sir. I do tend to babble.
You are shallower than the diffusion layer of an integrated circuit.
You are the Sinclair ZX80 of human beings.
You are too old to die young.
You are unbeatable at Trivial Pursuit (The Nostalgia Version).
You aren't even as bright as an LED.
You ask me-the universe is going to hell in a handbasket<Garibaldi>
You became that stupid through years of training?
You been bungy jumping with a cord that was a bit long?
You blew a brain cell on that? 2 left.
You can always make room for one more. Except a new baby.
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long
You can hear the wind whistling through his ears.
You can observe a lot just by watching. -- Yogi Berra
You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips.
You can recall that Paul McCartney had a band before "Wings".
You can relax now. He's not coming.
You can say you're (excrement) out of luck!
You can sure say THAT again!
You can't argue with a sick mind!
You can't be something you're not! Be yourself, by yourself.
You can't close the door when the wall's caved in.
You can't handle the logical reason!
You can't outsmart me, 'cause I'm a moron.
You can't step on the same piece of water twice.
You can't tell @FN@ anything. He has a soundproof head.
You certainly got smooth skin - between the wrinkles, that is!
You could be worse...you could be twins!
You could get lost on an escalator.
You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.
You disagree? May I plea guilty by reason of sanity?
You do have one redeeming quality - mortality!
You don't know your own mind - or you'd hate it!
You don't know your own mind - or you'd hate it, too.
You don't know your own strength. You've never seen any.
You eat too much - it keeps you alive!
You ever breathe oxygen kid? Good, don't start!
You give away a lot of advice. You only charge what it's worth.
You got a one-bit brain with a parity error
You got nothing to do and even less to lose.
You gotta know the rules before you break 'em,otherwise it's no fun
You had to give up. I'm too dangerous for you.
You have a clear mind. It isn't cluttered up with facts.
You have a face only a mother could love - and she hates it!
You have a mean face...it punishes people!
You have a very striking face. Can I strike it too?
You have all the brainpower of a dead amoeba.
You have delusions of adequacy.
You have HUGE ... Eyes! (Must be a hyperactive thyroid.)
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
today.
You have the right to remain silent. Use it!
You have the right to remain silent....
You have the right to remain silent...USE IT!
You have the wisdom which comes with age - senility!
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine
cabinet
You keep this love!
You know something? No, I'm sure you don't!
You know this Earthing... uh Person?
You know you are fat when your bathtub has stretch marks.
You know you're a Redneck if. You call your father 'Uncle Dad'.
You know...in a hundred years I just might get to like you.
You look as though your tapeworm had swallowed you.
You look bored and I'm bored. Let's be bored together!
You look like a wreckage from an accident your parents had!
You look more like Woody Woodpecker with a perm!
You look stoned........and you ought to be!!!
You made me so unhappy; I'd take my life and leave love with you.
You make ends meet...and they hate each other!
You may be a loser for a long time before you realize it.
You may be affluent, but you're full of effluent.
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
You may be recognized soon. Perhaps you should hide?
You may be Southern -- but you're no Comfort.
You may now log in to life. Password:
You mean this ISN'T the Mindless Chatter Echo?
You missed an invaluable opportunity for silence!
You MUST be an only child. NOBODY could be horny enough to risk having
you twice!
You must be seeing something I didn't say. --Synners.
You must have been passed out when the brains were.
You must like to embrace domestic pets and barnyard animals!
You must've opened your mind, been assaulted by logic, and closed it.
You ol' curmudgeon, that was a _hell_ of an answer!
You ought to take the bull between the legs.
You ought to take the bull between the teeth.
You pathetic, puny, puking, putrid puddle of poodle piss!
You really are a complete smeghead, aren't you @FL@?!
You remind me of a goat... Always butting in.
You should be glad that you were born...no one else is.
You should go hand your head in shame...and leave your body on it!
You should go hang your head in shame...and leave your body on it!
You should go hang yourself in shame...and leave your body on it!
You should presently be able to deal from a full deck.
You sick puppy! It's time for your shot...like the one Old Yeller got!
You sink your teth into a steak - and they stay there.
You sir, are an idiot and a New Zealander; but I repeat myself
You sit in a rocking chair but can't get it going
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons
You walk with your head held high, trying to get used to your bifocals
You wear a hat so you'll know which end to wipe!
You went to a freak show and got in free!
You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion. Now she
does!
You were only killing time, and it will kill you right back.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be
unimportant.
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize--posthumously.
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
You will die of terminal acne.
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
You will have a long and boring life.
You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
You will outgrow your usefulness.
You will soon meet a strangler who will become your fiend.
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. You will wish you
hadn't.
You'd be so easy to love - but who'd want to?
You'd better listen to a man who knows what he's saying.
You'd make a perfect poster child for the Pro-Choice movement.
You'd think @FN@ supplied Don Rickles with material.
You'd think @N@ supplied Don Rickles with material.
You'll have to be nice to me--I throw up easily.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
You'll never get dizzy doing a good turn.
You'll never get there and if you do, you won't know.
You're a 3 decked sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic
sauce.
You're a bad banana with a greasy black peel.
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
You're a few channels short of Basic Cable.
You're a free thinker. Your thoughts aren't worth anything.
You're a good egg in the long run; but who wants a long, runny egg.
You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet.
You're A Handy Excuse to AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGH!!! at random
intervals...
You're a parasite for sore eyes.
You're a perfect example that ugly people shouldn't breed.
You're a person who travels well. Now start travelling.
You're a three decked sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic
sauce.
You're about as entertaining as one wrestler.
You're about as subtle as an axe between the eyes.
You're an unproductive truckload of fly covered monkey zits!
You're as cuddly as a cactus.
You're awfully picky for someone from the twilight zone
You're certainly thoughtless. I wish you were speechless, too.
You're certainly thoughtless....I wish you were speechless!
You're fat if you fall asleep at the beach and wake up at Sea World
You're fat if your main squeeze is a doorway!
You're fat when you lay on the beach and someone calls Greenpeace.
You're gonna hurt all three of my feelings!
You're in a class all by yourself....everyone else graduated!!
You're living Catch 22...
You're living proof that wisdom doesn't come with age.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
You're no failure...you're not dead yet!
You're no good, for no one!
You're nobody's fool. You're a freelancer.
You're not bald. You just have an extra large part in your hair.
You're not right. You just SOUND right.
You're not worthless @FN@! You can always serve as a bad example!


You're not worthy! You're not worthy!

You're one in a million. Thank heavens!
You're so dumb you needs a cue card just to say "Huh?"!
You're so fat, that if you fell down you'd hit the ceiling.
You're so inbred your family tree doesn't branch.
You're so low, you only see dirt any way you look.
You're so narrowminded you can see thru a keyhole with both eyes!
You're so repulsive, even a magnet wouldn't find you attractive!
You're so ugly , your pshyciatrist makes you lie face down .
You're so ugly you'd make a maggot gag at fifty paces.
You're so ugly, you could scare a bulldog off a meat truck.
You're so vain I bet you think this tagline's about you.
You're so weak the only thing you've ever licked is people's boots.
You're something that happens once in a million years - thank heavens!
You're standing where I want to pee!
You're such a jerk, even the ocean wouldn't wave when it saw you.
You're the best at all you do - and all you do is make people hate
you.
You're the last person I expected to see - or wanted to!
You're the reason my dog is pregnant, aren't you?!
You're the reason they made a passing lane to begin with!
You're two-faced. And they're both ugly!
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny...
You're very quiet! Are you given to speaking your mind?
You're worshipping a false god. You're not genuine!
You're wrong. I'm the most wonderful person in the world!
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
You've been searching for the hidden microphones again, haven't you?
You've been smoking that stuff again, eh?
You've been smoking that stuff again, uh?
You've certainly got smooth skin - between the wrinkles, that is.
You've given me something to live for: revenge..
You've got a big hole in your head...now shut it!
You've wasted an excellent opportunity to remain silent.
You've _got_ to stop sniffing that glue, @FN@.
You, @FN@! There in the back row. Stop laughing or leave the room!
You...from the inside out. And Rolaids won't help....
Your a girl that I should like to take home to mother. YOUR Mother!
Your about as funny as a beerfart in a space suit.
Your aims are high, and you are incapable of much.
Your ambushes would be more successful if you bathed more often!
Your analyst has you confused with another patient.
Your ancestors were real swingers - from trees and gallows.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your best response: Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Your brain is like a quark: scientists think it's just theoretical.
Your bread ain't baked.
Your clock doesn't have all its numbers.
Your code is theoretically beautiful, but it won't work.
Your elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.
Your epidermis is showing @FN@!
Your face bears a scar...your looks!
Your face reminds me of a crate of squashed assholes!
Your family tree has no branches.
Your father screwed a plant and raised a blooming idiot..
Your father should have butchered the goat.
Your foot. Your mouth. A marriage made in Heaven.
Your gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Your idea of safe sex is a pillow covering the head-board.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
Your little black book contains only names ending in 'MD'
Your love's better than money in the bank. NOT!!!
Your meaningless drivel has been noted.
Your message proves the fourth stooge theory.
Your message was likes a fart in a windstorm
Your messages have the subtlety of a rectal thermometer.
Your mind is so small it's not allowed to cross the street!
Your mother poses for the Far Side!
Your only brain cell must have died of loneliness.
Your own mileage may vary.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.
Your piss poor planning is not necessarily my emergency!
Your post *Proves* the fourth stooge theory
Your problem is you have diarrhea of the mouth and constapation of the
brain.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Your Proctologist called. He says your brain is fine.
Your sacred cow is my next Quarter Pounder with cheese!
Your silliness has been noted.
YOUR SISTER DATES A SYSOP!
Your skin looks like baby skin - with diaper rash!
Your so dumb that you go to a mind reader and she charges you half
price.
Your so out to lunch you make me hungry.
Your solution stinks. The problem is very interesting.
Your soul is an overflowing dung heap overflowing with the most
disgraceful.
Your soul is an overflowing dung heap.
Your statement fully describes the situation partially.
Your surgeon's great! The lobotomy scars hardly show...
Your talk sounds like the capital of Turkey - Instantbull!
Your trouble is that your absence makes good company.
Your wealth of ignorance astounds me.
Your were born twins and they killed the wrong one!
Your Yin and Yang are no longer on speaking terms.
Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.
Youth + confidence + myopia = naivete.
Youth is wasted on the young.
Yow! Am I having fun yet?
Yow! Are we laid back yet?
Yow! Are we wet yet?
Zero K memory
[dignified silence]

Is that enough for you? ;-)

David Rawsthorne

unread,
Feb 5, 1996, 3:00:00 AM2/5/96
to
Roths <ren...@magellan.cloudnet.com> wrote:

>I need insults that can be used at a family show. I perform at a
>festival in Minnesota that has a game of insult tennis. This year, I
>would like some new ones and need some help.

!Flame and Zorching Taglines
"*This* is fun. Are you mad?" -- Rimmer
"...and those hot rollers burned your fingers? Imagine that!"
"...He talks to his FARTS??"
"A bit pretentious don't you think?"
"A broken clock keeps better time than you!"
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
subject."
"A thrill comparable to the making of hash-browns..."
"Anything you'd like to do?" "Yes. Go into a coma."
"Apology?" "Better check the temperature in HELL first!"
"Awright, hold it...where's the mutant repellant?" -Bloom County
"Because he's an ignorant monkey & doesn't know any better." --
"Bite off, dirtball."
"Blah, blah, blah. Yackety Schmackety."
"Bother!" said Pooh, and twitted @N@.
"Brevity is the soul of wit, so kindly shut up."
"BTW, does Jesus know you flame?"
"Can I bring you to show and tell on Monday?"
"Could you continue your petty bickering? I find it most intriguing."
"Did IQ's just drop sharply while I was away?"
"Did you know you have peepee on your smock?"
"Didn't I see this on a David Copperfield special?"
"Die Jesu Domine, Domine Es Requium." (WHACK!). Repeat as necessary.
"Does Batman know you're wearing his cape so badly?"
"Don't ask me! I'm just an anthropomorphic personification."
"Don't try to confuse me with the facts!" - @N@
"Dumber than advertised."
"Ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"
"Every time I've built character, I've regretted it.": Calvin
"Experience comes from bad judgment." - Mark Twain.
"Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite magesty and calm.
"Have you maggots in your brains?" -- Fletcher


"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
eyes..."

"He's a cockroach; you think you kill him, he pops up someplace else!"

"His father was a mudder... His MOTHER was a mudder."

"How could you be so stupid?" -- Taylor
"How tall are you?" "Damn, I did't know they stacked shit that high!"
"How would you like to have me gut you?" -- Vella
"Hurm." -- Rorschach
"I always leave the room when the talk gets philosophical." - Calvin
"I am what I am and that's all what I am." - Popeye
"I assume" makes an ass out of u and me.
"I do not think you will accept my help, as I'm waiting to kill you."
"I don't have an attitude, babe--I AM an attitude"!
"I don't have to say that at all, @FN@. You did." - Sgt. Joe Friday
"I may make you feel, but I can't make you think."
"I represent Angry Gun-Toting Meat-Eating People!" - Denis Leary
"I suppose you think I'm a perfect idiot." "No, you're not perfect."
"I think we just met today's special friend."
"I'd love to help you out. Which way did you come in?" - Groucho
"I've changed my mind Hobbes. People ARE scum." - Calvin.
"If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." - B Gates


"If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off."

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."

"If your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt."

"Ignorance is a *fault*, not an excuse."

"Ignorance is." - Bliss


"In a fight between you and the world, back the world."
"In fact, I DON'T put my pants on one leg on leg at a time"

"In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king."
"In this business, you either lead, follow or get the hell out of the
way."
"Insert brain, then type"
"Isn't everybody happy?" - Machiavelli
"It happens sometimes. People just explode." - Repoman"
"It" has fallen, and "it" won't get up.
"It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache!"
"Let me sweeten the deal a bit for you," - Beelzebub.
"Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all...."
"Life," he said, "Don't talk to ME about life!".
"Look what the cat dragged in!" "That you, @FN@?"
"Look, Figment, some new friends have joined us!" Can they imagine,too
"Meet Pinky and the Brain, who want to rule the universe!"
"Mom, can I go out and play with @FN@?"
"My haystack had no needle!"
"Nietzsche is dead," God.
"Now witness their attempts to fly from tree to tree."
"Off with her head!" shouted the Queen.
"Ooh, look! It's our new best friend!" -- Yakko Warner
"Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition..."
"Refresh my memory: Which 'final warning' is this?"
"Scuse me! Excuse me! Yes, excuse me!" -- Wakkorotti
"Searching for Intelligent Life in the Universe."
"Show's over. Go away." -- Yakko Warner
"Stupid" is a boundless concept
"That's entertainment," - Vlad the Impaler.
"The dummy is the one who doesn't ask questions."
"There's a sucker reborn every minute."
"There's no intelligent life here Scotty -- Beam me up"
"Time & I are a match for any two men"
"U.S.S. @LN@, lower your shields and prepare to be boarded!"


"What kind of idiot would set boobytraps in his own home?"

"Who cares for you? You're but a deck of cards," -Alice.
"Why stop now? Just when I'm hating it."
"Yo' got mo' chance of teachin' a mule to sing Op'ry" - Pogo


"You are right, sir. I do tend to babble."

"You became that stupid through years of training?" -- Thompson
"You can't soar with dragons if you work with gargoyles"
"You didn't invite me... so I crashed!"


"You ever breathe oxygen kid? Good, don't start!

"You must have an IQ of at least half a million." Popeye
"You used to find me attractive." "You got *REAL* ugly!"


"You'll never be the man your mother was!"

"You're not worthy! You're not worthy!"

"Your love's better than money in the bank." NOT!!!

"_______ÚÚÚ_¢.•_¿¿¿________" Is he gone yet???????
#1 in the don't bother catagory.
#include SWEEPING_GENERALITY.h
((wrong && wrong) != right)
* The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
***** THIS IS NOT MIND CONTROL. Think about it. *****
*I* didn't do it, the *computer* did it!
-=- Type unto others as you would have them type unto you. -=-
. . . on the Search for Intelligent Life in the Universe!
... How did you get here, wiggle off the hook?
...just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason, too.
/s <---Ooops, I forgot that doesn't work in BlueWave.
0He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.
10k brain hooked to a 9600 baud mouth...


13 donuts short of a baker's dozen.

1996 U.S. Olympic Drowning Team member.

2+2=5... It HAS to, my church says so!
30 minutes of begging is not considered foreplay.
300 baud short of a 9600 baud connection.
51% Sweetheart...49% Bitch.....DON'T PUSH IT!!!
6 states, and I had to pick this one...
86% of those polled said, "Get lost, you weirdo creep!"
90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
95% loser free... And half the sugar.
;!Nasty, Sarcastic and Insulting taglines
<< Just some more irrelevant nonsense from me. >>
<<< Tagline deleted by Natl Endowment for the Arts >>>
<ENTER>!!! The _BEST_ twit filter ever invented
<Fweeeet!> Misquote!! 10 yard penalty, loss of down!
<Insert Profound Metaphysical Tagline Here>
================S W O O O O S S S S H H H H !===========
@F@ makes wood seem intelligent.
@FN@ proves incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
@FN@ - Author of Lead, follow, or get outta the way.
@FN@ - Author of Zilch.
@FN@ - condom poster child for 1994.
@FN@ and hate are like his hand and his dick, inseperable.
@FN@ can be outwitted by a jar of marshmallow fluff!
@FN@ couldn't buy a clue with lottery winnings.
@FN@ does the work of three men... Moe, Larry & Curly!
@FN@ doesn't have all of his groceries in the same bag.
@FN@ doesn't have enough sandwiches for a picnic.
@FN@ doesn't need therapy - he needs a lobotomy.
@FN@ failed as a proof-reader for M & M's.
@FN@ got fired from a job at the bank. He tried to take home his work.
@FN@ is a few cigarettes short of a pack...
@FN@ is a self-made man, and worships his creator.
@FN@ is about as smart as live bait.
@FN@ is as sharp as a bag of wet mice.
@FN@ is four cans short of a six-pack...
@FN@ is living example of Artificial Intelligence.
@FN@ is so old that his Social Security number is 4.
@FN@ isn't old, compared to the giant redwoods.
@FN@ lines up his shot... Hey! What's with the pink bunny!
@FN@ looks like a professional blind date.
@FN@ loves his dog. The dog would rather he didn't do that.
@FN@ must be home. The modem is still warm.
@FN@ proves Darwin was wrong. Any idiot can survive.
@FN@ seems a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
@FN@ you have been accused of Mass Mental Cruelty. How do you plead.
@FN@! Your 15 minutes are up! --A. Warhol.
@FN@'s a self-made man, which shows the horrors of unskilled labor.
@FN@'s post: [ ]Humorous [ ]Insightful [X]Just plain stupid.
@FN@, a man that'd trade boredom for misery.
@FN@, are your toes numbered?
@FN@, I'm your No. 1 fan. You're lucky I found you.
@FN@, if at first you don't succeed, well...darn.
@FN@, it's time you make like horse shit and hit the trail.
@FN@, sorry about your rectocranial inversion.
@FN@, would you care to settle this outside?
@FN@, you blew a brain cell on that? 2 left.
@FN@, you fail to grasp Ti Kwon Leep. (BOOT TO THE HEAD).
@FN@, you're demented and sad.. but social..
@FN@, you're so cute when youre cynical
@FN@, your proctologist called. He found your head.
@FN@... It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
@FN@: Just another inmate in this asylum!
@FN@? @FN@! Wake up, @FN@!!!
@LN@ Motors - Home of the World's Largest Lemon Collection.
@LN@ University: Where men are men and the women are too.
@LN@'s Summer Camp - not just for the criminally insane!!!
@N@ - 13 donuts short of a baker's dozen.
@N@ - 1996 U.S. Olympic Drowning Team member.
@N@ - 19@DY@ U.S. Javelin Catching Team member.
@N@ - A couple of volts below threshold.
@N@ - A few beans short of a burrito.
@N@ - A few beers short of a six-pack.
@N@ - A few bombs short of a cluster.
@N@ - A few clowns short of a circus.
@N@ - A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
@N@ - A few holes short of a whiffle ball.
@N@ - A few peas short of a casserole.
@N@ - A few pickles short of a jar.
@N@ - A fool's fool.
@N@ - A hole in his bag of marbles.
@N@ - A jack-of-all-trades and unemployed in all of them.
@N@ - A legend in his own mind.
@N@ - A living example of artificial intelligence.
@N@ - A sausage short of a barbecue.
@N@ - A victim of retroactive birth control.
@N@ - About as bright as a black hole.
@N@ - About as bright as a small appliance bulb.
@N@ - About as sharp as a bowling ball.
@N@ - About as sharp as a pin head.
@N@ - About as sharp as jello.
@N@ - About four cents short of a nickel.
@N@ - All booster - no payload.
@N@ - All crown - no filling.
@N@ - All the lights don't shine in his marquee.
@N@ - All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
@N@ - Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
@N@ - Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
@N@ - An example of why some animals eat their young.
@N@ - As bright as a burnt out light bulb.
@N@ - As flaky as a snowstorm.
@N@ - As screwed up as a football bat.
@N@ - As sharp as a marble.
@N@ - As thick as two short planks.
@N@ - Australian Javelin Catching Team member.
@N@ - Barney's biggest fan.
@N@ - Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel.
@N@ - Born a day late, and like that ever since.
@N@ - born brain dead and still is that way.
@N@ - Born ugly and losing ground ever since.
@N@ - Charles Manson's drinking buddy.
@N@ - Condom poster child for 1994.
@N@ - Constipation of the brain and diarrhea of the mouth.
@N@ - Contributes to the population problem.
@N@ - Credibility deficient.
@N@ - Daughter of Suzy Creamcheese and it shows.
@N@ - Diagnosable.
@N@ - Drivelmaster.
@N@ - Electroencephalographically challenged.
@N@ - Fired from McDonald's for short attention-span.
@N@ - Full throttle, dry tank.
@N@ - Grease spot on the driveway of life.
@N@ - In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
@N@ - inbred and proud of it!
@N@ - Informationally deprived.
@N@ - Just another inmate in this insane world.
@N@ - Knitting with only one needle.
@N@ - Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
@N@ - Mental agility of a soap dish.
@N@ - Mentally challenged.
@N@ - Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
@N@ - On the batting end of a no-hitter.
@N@ - On the wrong end of the Information Superhighway.
@N@ - One bean short of a burrito.
@N@ - One burrito short of a combo meal.
@N@ - One fry short of a happy meal.
@N@ - One id short of a personality.
@N@ - One marble shy of a full deck.
@N@ - One sandwich short of a picnic.
@N@ - Paranoia Poster child for 1994.
@N@ - Poster child for birth control.
@N@ - Poster child for Densa.
@N@ - Redneck extrordinaire!
@N@ - Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
@N@ - Result of a first cousin marriage.
@N@ - Risen from obscurity & headed for oblivion.
@N@ - Sailboat fuel for brains.
@N@ - Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
@N@ - Son of Suzy Creamcheese and it shows.
@N@ - Squirrel food.
@N@ - Still trying to figure out who he is.
@N@ - Taste tester for Alpo.
@N@ - The LEAST dangerous man in America!
@N@ - The person who brought you the beer milkshake.
@N@ - The third Warner Brother on Animaniacs.
@N@ - TIME's 1995 Moron of the Year.
@N@ - With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
@N@ blew his O-rings.
@N@ blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
@N@ can be outwitted by a jar of marshmallow fluff.
@N@ comes from a long line of first cousins.
@N@ couldn't buy a clue with lottery winnings.
@N@ couldn't win a debate against Suzy Creamcheese.
@N@ desperately needs help.
@N@ doesn't have all his cups in the cupboard.
@N@ doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
@N@ doesn't have all of his groceries in the same bag.
@N@ doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
@N@ doesn't have both oars in the water.
@N@ doesn't have enough sandwiches for a picnic.
@N@ doesn't know what he's talking about.
@N@ doesn't know what she's talking about.
@N@ doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.
@N@ doesn't need therapy - he needs a lobotomy.
@N@ echoes between the ears.
@N@ failed as a proof-reader for M & M's.
@N@ fan club - Tar & feathers will be provided.
@N@ forgot the gun was loaded.
@N@ forgot to pay his brain bill.
@N@ gets his news from Mad Magazine.
@N@ got a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
@N@ has a one-bit brain with a parity error.
@N@ has a ready wit. Let me know where it's ready.
@N@ has a room-temperature I.Q.
@N@ has a slow clock.
@N@ has a very good point.
@N@ has a Wessonality disorder.
@N@ has both oars in the water on the same side of the boat!
@N@ has bubbles in his think tank.
@N@ has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
@N@ has it floored in neutral.
@N@ has several screws loose.
@N@ has too many lice to feel an itch.
@N@ has trouble dealing with reality.
@N@ has two neurons separated by a spirochete.
@N@ headbutts steel posts for fun.
@N@ is evil - He must be stopped!
@N@ is temperamental: 50% temper, 50% mental.
@N@ isn't a complete idiot; several key parts are missing.
@N@ just enjoys the abuse.
@N@ loses arguments with @CONFNAME@.
@N@ makes Pee-Wee Herman appear funny.
@N@ makes wood seem intelligent.
@N@ needs another brain to make it to half-wit.
@N@ only uses his brain to keep his head from caving in.
@N@ plays solitaire ... for cash.
@N@ runs squares around the competition.
@N@ sat under the ozone hole too long.
@N@ says a thousand pleasant things, but never Adieu.
@N@ says, "I don't have an attitude, babe--I AM an attitude"!
@N@ sticks his tongue in rotating fan blades for fun.
@N@ still believes in the tooth fairy, too.
@N@ studies hard for blood tests.
@N@ suffers from terminal brain-lock.
@N@ suffers from terminal brain-skid.
@N@ suffers from too many radiation treatments.
@N@ thinks at 5 baud.
@N@ thought drugs were fun `til he started studying pharmacy.
@N@ was born twins and they killed the wrong one!
@N@ WAS born yesterday!
@N@ was caused by a failed condom.
@N@ wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
@N@ wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
@N@'s a closet homosapien!
@N@'s a real big gun - of small caliber and immense bore.
@N@'s a self-made man, and worships his creator.
@N@'s a sheep in sheep's clothing.
@N@'s about as smart as live bait.
@N@'s all sail and no boat.
@N@'s as up-to-date as a 1940 calendar.
@N@'s attic's very dusty.
@N@'s been napping in front of the ion shield again.
@N@'s been playing with his wand too much.
@N@'s been playing with the plutonium again.
@N@'s been short on oxygen one time too many.
@N@'s been using his head as a mass driver.
@N@'s brain has freezer burn.
@N@'s bright as a tulip bulb.
@N@'s buffer is full.
@N@'s caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
@N@'s cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
@N@'s clock doesn't have all its numbers.
@N@'s doin' 30 on the freeway.
@N@'s egotism is a plain case of mistaken nonentity.
@N@'s employed as a crash dummy?!?
@N@'s family tree doesn't fork.
@N@'s got the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
@N@'s gyros are loose.
@N@'s head whistles in a crosswind.
@N@'s IQ test came back negative.
@N@'s library burned...both books destroyed.
@N@'s little red choo choo done jumped the track.
@N@'s memory is truly random-access.
@N@'s mind is like a steel sieve.
@N@'s mind is like a steel trap - full of mice.
@N@'s mind is like a steel trap - rusted shut!
@N@'s on her last lap around the gene pool.
@N@'s on his last lap around the gene pool.
@N@'s parents threw out the baby and kept the bathwater.
@N@'s playing baseball with a rubber bat.
@N@'s playing hockey with a warped puck.
@N@'s playing with an unstrung raquet.
@N@'s post: [ ] Humourous [ ] Insightful [X] Just plain stupid.
@N@'s post: [ ]Humorous [ ]Insightful [X]Just plain stupid.
@N@'s pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
@N@'s reality check just bounced.
@N@'s Reality-ometer: E[\........]F Hmmph! Thought so...
@N@'s skating on the wrong side of the ice.
@N@'s Slinky's kinked.
@N@'s slower than my grandma. She's been dead for 20 years.
@N@'s so stupid he could screw up a one-car funeral.
@N@'s so stupid, he got stabbed in a shootout.
@N@'s swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
@N@'s two tacos short of a combination plate.
@N@'s Yin and Yang are no longer on speaking terms.
@N@'s zero k memory.
@N@, a drop of the poison of the fang of the Exalted One.
@N@, please call the bank. Your reality check bounced."
@N@, rebel without a clue.
@N@, sorry about your rectocranial inversion.
@N@, you have a perverted mind! I like that in a person!
@N@: A perfect example of de-evolution in action.
@N@: Commanding General of the Army of Ignorance.
@N@: Just another inmate in this asylum!
@N@: Nuther Bryalunt Minde Distoryed By Publik Educashun.
@N@: Twit of the Year 1995. Congratulations!
@TO@ - @YEAR@ U.S. Javelin Catching Team member.
@TO@ - a couple of volts below threshold.
@TO@ - a few beans short of a burrito.
@TO@ - a few beers short of a six-pack.
@TO@ - a few bombs short of a cluster.
@TO@ - a few clowns short of a circus.
@TO@ - a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
@TO@ - a few holes short of a whiffle ball.
@TO@ - a few peas short of a casserole.
@TO@ - a few pickles short of a jar.
@TO@ - a fool's fool.
@TO@ - a hole in his bag of marbles.
@TO@ - a jack-of-all-trades and unemployed in all of them.
@TO@ - a legend in his own mind.
@TO@ - a living example of artificial intelligence.
@TO@ - a sausage short of a barbecue.
@TO@ - A victim of retroactive birth control.
@TO@ - About as bright as a black hole.
@TO@ - About as bright as a small appliance bulb.
@TO@ - About as sharp as a bowling ball.
@TO@ - About as sharp as a pin head.
@TO@ - About as sharp as jello.
@TO@ - About four cents short of a nickel.
@TO@ - All booster - no payload.
@TO@ - All crown - no filling.
@TO@ - All the lights don't shine in his marquee.
@TO@ - All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
@TO@ - Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
@TO@ - Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
@TO@ - An example of why some animals eat their young.
@TO@ - As bright as a burnt out light bulb.
@TO@ - As flakey as a snowstorm.
@TO@ - As screwed up as a football bat.
@TO@ - As sharp as a marble.
@TO@ - As thick as two short planks.
@TO@ - Barney's biggest fan.
@TO@ - Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel.
@TO@ - Born a day late, and like that ever since.
@TO@ - born brain dead and still is that way.
@TO@ - Born ugly and losing ground ever since.
@TO@ - Charles Manson's drinking buddy.
@TO@ - condom poster child for 1994.
@TO@ - Constipation of the brain and diarrhea of the mouth.
@TO@ - Contributes to the population problem.
@TO@ - credibility deficient.
@TO@ - daughter of Suzy Creamcheese and it shows.
@TO@ - Diagnosable.
@TO@ - Drivelmaster.
@TO@ - electroencephalographically challenged.
@TO@ - Fired from McDonald's for short attention-span.
@TO@ - Full throttle, dry tank.
A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
A bad peace is even worse than a war.
A bear robbed of cubs is safer than the folly of fools.
A beard signifies lice, not brains.
A big mouth travels far and fast.


A bigot will not reason; a fool cannot; a slave dare not.

A bleeding heart can be hell on the carpeting.
A broken clock keeps better time than you!
A can short of a six pack.
A celebrity is a person who is known for well-knownness.


A chat with you, and death loses its sting!

A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
A child of 5 could understand this. Go find one, quick!
A child prodigy knows not to bother with it.
A choice is always possible, even without any options.
A closed mind gathers no facts.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A committee has six or more legs and no brain.
A couple bushels shy of a full crop
A couple keys short of a concert piano.
A couple of cans short of a six-pack.
A couple of ticks past the noon whistle.
A couple of volts below threshold.
A couple sharps short of B Major.
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
A critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned
A critic knows the way but can't drive the vehicle.
A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket
A cynic smells the flowers and then looks for the casket.
A day late and a dollar short.
A deluge of words and drop of sense.
A diploma proves only that you know how to find an answer
A dirty book is rarely dusty
A few bars short of a finished symphony.
A few beans short of a burrito.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few bits short of a byte.
A few bits shy of a word.
A few bombs short of a cluster.
A few bombs short of a full load.
A few bricks short of a sidewalk.
A few bricks short of a whole wall.

David Rawsthorne

unread,
Feb 5, 1996, 3:00:00 AM2/5/96
to
Roths <ren...@magellan.cloudnet.com> wrote:

>I need insults that can be used at a family show. I perform at a
>festival in Minnesota that has a game of insult tennis. This year, I
>would like some new ones and need some help.

A few bricks shy of a load.
A few bulbs short of a Christmas tree.
A few bytes short of a checksum.
A few calories short of a meal.
A few cans short of a six pack, Six short.
A few cans short of a six-pack.
A few cards short of a deck.
A few cats short of a full-strung violin.
A few cats short of a litter.
A few channels short of Basic Cable
A few clowns short of a Bozo Show.


A few clowns short of a circus.

A few croutons short of a garden salad.
A few days short of a year.
A few drops short of a piss.
A few fiddlers short of a Grand Ol' Opry.
a few flapjacks short a breakfast
A few french fries short of a Happy Meal.


A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

A few guns short of a Rambo movie.
A few hicks short of a Hee-Haw episode.


A few holes short of a whiffle ball.

A few horses short of a school lunch program.
A few Kennedys short of a Kennebunkport.
A few lines short of a switchboard.
A few lions short of a den.
A few meg short of a hard drive.
A few morons short of a Congress.
A few pages short of a book.
A few pages stuck together.


A few peas short of a casserole.

A few pickles short of a jar.

A few pickles shy of a jar.
A few pipes short of a church organ.
A few planes short of an Air Force.
a few roses short of a bouquet
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
A few screws loose.
A few slices short of a loaf
A few spokes short of a bicycle wheel.
A few strings short of a violin section.
A few tacos short of a combo plate
A few teeth short of an upper plate.
A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
A few tokens short of a toaster.
A few windows short of a desktop.
A few yards short of the hole.
A fool searches for a greater fool to find admiration.
A fool's fool.
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. -Emerson
A fools IQ is the inverse of the number of flames he posts.
A friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.
A gentleman can disagree without being disagreeable.
A gentleman will not insult me & no man not a gentleman can insult me.
A gift of flower will soon be made to you.
A girl who is vision in moonlight, may be sight in sunlight!
A good frame of mind... but no picture...
A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults. -Louis Nizer
A grazing mace, how sweet the sound that flattened a wretch like thee!


A hole in his bag of marbles.

A jack-of-all-trades and unemployed in all of them.

A jerk present in a group indicates a jerk in charge.
A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right.
A learned fool is more foolish than an ignorant fool.


A legend in his own mind.

A lie is terminological inexactitude.
A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
A little premature at this point, I'd say ... <g>
A little truth helps the lie go down.
A living example of Artificial Intelligence.
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, or was it here?
A man's incomplete til married; then he's finished.
A mind was wasted on @N@.
A mob has many heads, but no brains.
A mother is not a dust rag.
A mother pampering a child is raising a serpent.
A mother-in-law is often a mother.
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A narrow mind has a broad tongue...
A ounce of pretension = a pound of manure.
A pain in the butt may be a friend in need..
A penny for your thoughts. HEY! I deserve change!
A person never tells you anything until contradicted.
A person with two watches is never sure what time it is.
A person without a navel lives within all of us.
A person's got to know his limitations to avoid failure.
A pest: A friend in need.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A pitcher that goes to a well too often is broken first.
A place beyond shame is where we belong.
A plucked goose doesn`t lay golden eggs.
A poet is a kind of liar who always speaks the truth.
A poet reading his verse in public has a nasty habit.
A point of view is a matter of perspective...
A pound of pluck is worth a ton of luck.
A problem can be found for almost every solution.
A room temperature IQ.


A sausage short of a barbecue.

A Shade Below Neon: not too bright!
A shining beacon in an electronic void
A single fact can spoil a good argument.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces every time.
A spoonful of sugar helps any medicine go down.
A stage? No, this is not a stage
A stiff neck usually supports an empty head.
A thick head can do as much damage as a hard heart.
A vasectomy is never having to say you're sorry.


A victim of retroactive birth control.

A wise person sees as much as ought, not as much can.
A wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
A word fitly spoken is like a beautiful apple of gold.
A worthless wise man always charms the rabble.
A writer thinks of critics as a tree feels about dogs.
A yawn is a silent shout.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
ABORT: Drivel filter is compromised!
About a half a bubble off of plumb.....


About as bright as a black hole.

About as bright as a small appliance bulb.

About as sharp as a bowling ball.

About as sharp as a pin head.

About as sharp as a sack full of wet mice. (Foghorn again)


About as sharp as jello.

About four cents short of a nickel.

Acting without thinking is like shooting without aiming.
Actually, no, I won't respect you in the morning!
Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.
Adamant ignorance beats rational logic every time.
Admiration: Polite recognition of self-reflection.
Adult: One old enough to know better.
After all is said and done, people keep saying and doing.
After six seasons in space, even @N@ starts to look good!
After they made @N@, they broke the jello mold.
After they made you, they broke the jello mold.
Against stupidity, the very gods contend in vain.
Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough
wiper!
Ah fart in your general direction!
Ahhhh yes, to do a battle of wits with the unarmed.......
AIDS is a virus - @N@ is a punishment from God.
Ain't THAT the truth!
All barkers are not side show hawkers.
All booster -- no payload.
All clowns are masked, all personae flow from choices.
All crown -- no filling.
All generalizations are bad
All great truths began as blasphemies.
All great truths begin as heresies.
All is not lost! I'm still here...
All is said and done, people keep saying and doing.
All of the stars are to be found only up in the sky.


All of us, one of us, all of us - dominate, and take the world!

All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
All probabilities are 50%. It happens or it doesn't.
All right, you "ugly bag of mostly water"!
All sentences that seem true should be questioned.
All the lights are on, but there's nobody home.


All the lights don't shine in his marquee.

All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable
alternative.
All you've ever licked in a fight is your wounds.
Altruism is the devil's calling card.
Always be smarter than the people who hire you.
Always consider the alternative before making a choice.
Always do right: Gratify some and astonish the rest.
Always first decide the sentence, then the verdict.
Always format alphanumerically, then preview graphically.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty


Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.

Always listen to experts. Hear the impossible then do it.
Always look out for #1 and be careful not to step in #2.
Always lurk before you leap....
Always put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
Always ready to pervert pure science for a fast buck!
Always remember that a moving neutrino gathers no mass.
Always remember the past, but make waves when it matters.
Always remember to pillage before you burn.
Always remember where you came from so you can return.
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.


Always sharpening his sleeping skills.

Always smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to.
Always store beer in a cool dark place.
Always tell her she is beautiful, even if she isn't.
Always use tasteful words, you might have to eat them later.
Always use tasteful words; you may have to eat them.
Always use your enemy's hand to catch a snake.
Always willing to share my ignorance...
Am I going MAD...or did the word THINK escape your lips??
Am I ignorant or apathetic? I don't know and don't care!
Amazing how mad some people get when someone makes them think.
Amazing how much you learn after thinking you know it all
Ambition destroys its possessor.
America is a dream to most of the world.
America is a tune. But it must be sung in harmony.
America was not discovered by Americans, shame on them.
America, land of opportunity for Japanese businessmen.
American politics: The walruses herding the oysters.
Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think
An agreeable person: One who agrees with you.
An appeaser feeds a crocodile, hoping to be eaten last.
An ass thinks one thing, his rider another.
An attacker must vanquish, a defender need only survive.
An ego like a black hole.
An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut
An equal opportunity flamethrower.


An example of why some animals eat their young.

an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque li
an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
An injury is much sooner forgiven than an insult.
An institution is the lengthened shadow of one man.
An open mind is wonderful if matching mouth not included.
An ounce of example is worth a ton of advice.
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Anal retentive people don't give a crap.
Anarchy means ignoring things that really piss you off!
Anarchy: Rights without Responsibilities.
Ancient Chinese Curse: May all your wishes be granted.
Ancient custom has the force of law.
And all the children are above average in our system.
And all the gods come down here just to sing for me
And call NO man my father who's no closer than a stranger!
And God said, "Let there be idiots." And @N@ was born.
And he disappeared in a puff of logic.
And I suppose you step out of the shower to take a piss?
And I suppose you take disposable lighters in for repair?
And I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell.
And she's so good for relieving my ... tension!
And the last thing I see is my heart, still beating.
And the nation crumbled as they flamed each other uselessly!
and then every once in a while you say something right and amaze me.
And there he was, reigning supreme at number two
And they said it couldn't be done.
And to @N@ I leave... A boot to the Head
And up is down, and sideways is straight ahead... -Cord
And what time does your verbal diarrhoea medicine start working...?
And yes, stupidity runs rampant through modem America....
And, pray tell, whose imagination are you a figment of?
Anger is never without reason, but seldom with a good one.
Annoy @N@: Remind him that the US isn't a Christian country!
Another casualty of the seduction of Insanity.
Another nearly-full box of Smarties!!
Another one bites the dust...
Answers: $1, Correct answers: $5, Dumb looks: Free!
Any day can be the beginning of a new year.
Any fool can criticise, condemn, complain, and most do.
Any fool can criticize, and many of them do.
Any fool can tell the truth, it takes sense to lie well.
Any offense taken is ONLY in the mind of the offended.
Any one can piss on the floor. Be some one, shit on the ceiling
Any smarter and he could be a slug.
Anybody can say they'll do something, few actualize it.
Anybody can win, unless there is a second entry.
Anybody who thinks I'm strange ought to meet you!
Anyone can get lost in a fog, but @FN@ creates his own.
Anyone can get lost in a fog, but you create your own.
Anyone can hate. It costs to love.
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
Anyone can pee on the floor. @FN@, *BE* someone, crap on the ceiling..
Anyone could do it with manuals...
Anyone ever tell you that you look a little like "Goofy"?
Anything more important than my ego should be caught and shot now!
Anything preying on your mind would starve to death.
Anything simple is stated in the most complicated manner.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
Apology is only egotism wrong side out.
Applied emotion is the key to success with happiness.
Are their maggots in your brains?
Are you a Klingon, or is that a turtle on your head?
Are you gonna die soon and leave your money to someone?
Are you lying or just stupid?
Are you part of the solution, or the precipitate?
Are you really THAT stupid, @FN@, or do you have to work at it?
Are you still here, @FN@? The message is over. Shoo! Go away!
Are you SURE it's plugged in?
Are you waiting for your prey?
Are your dog and your wallet both on a chain?
Argue with yourself and LOSE???-- PROBLEM!!.
Arguement? No, this is Abuse. You want next door.
Around this place nobody plays with a full deck!
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
Artificial Intelligence is theoretical..Natural Stupidity is real!
As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life
As a reward you can kiss my arse...... ooooooooohhhh.
as a smart-ass.


As bright as a burnt out light bulb.

As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.


As flakey as a snowstorm.

As flaky as a snowstorm.

As flames run rampant on the net, I state my disclaimer:
As funny as...a baby playing with a loaded gun.
As funny as...a bag of porcupines.
As funny as...a ball and chain.
As funny as...a barrel of rats.
As funny as...a baseball hat 'side yo' head.
As funny as...a black eye.
As funny as...a blind man on the freeway.
As funny as...a boil in your ass.
As funny as...a brain tumor.
As funny as...a brick through a plate glass window.
As funny as...a broken promise.
As funny as...a bucket of blood.
As funny as...a candlelight tour of a dynamite factory.
As funny as...a car bomb.
As funny as...a case of the crabs.
As funny as...a chamber of horrors.
As funny as...a chicken-wire canoe.
As funny as...a cigarette machine in an emphysema ward.
As funny as...a clogged drain.
As funny as...a crazed diarrhetic elephant.
As funny as...a cross-eyed surgeon with a case of the shakes.
As funny as...a crutch.
As funny as...a dead baby joke in a crematorium.
As funny as...a dead baby.
As funny as...a dead fish.
As funny as...a death sentence.
As funny as...a dirty diaper.
As funny as...a double mastectomy.
As funny as...a Drano enema.
As funny as...a drive-by shooting.
As funny as...a drunken airline pilot.
As funny as...a face full of pimples.
As funny as...a fart in a spacesuit.
As funny as...a fart in an elevator.
As funny as...a final exam.
As funny as...a firing squad.
As funny as...a five-alarm fire.
As funny as...a flash flood in a Fizzies factory.
As funny as...a flat tire.
As funny as...a fractured skull.
As funny as...a frantic flying screw.
As funny as...a frontal lobotomy.
As funny as...a full body cast.
As funny as...a funeral.
As funny as...a Get Well card on a coffin.
As funny as...a hairpin turn on a mountain road.
As funny as...a hate crime.
As funny as...a head-on collision.
As funny as...a heart attack.
As funny as...a hemophiliac in a briar patch.
As funny as...a horseback rid with hemorrhoids.
As funny as...a house full of termites.
As funny as...a hungry grizzly bear in your tent.
As funny as...a just-peed-in swimming pool.
As funny as...a lead balloon.
As funny as...a leaky life raft in shark-infested waters.
As funny as...a live wire in a bathtub.
As funny as...a loaded barf bag.
As funny as...a lump of coal in a Christmas stocking.
As funny as...a maniac with a meat axe.
As funny as...a morgue.
As funny as...a mouthful of cancer.
As funny as...a natural disaster.
As funny as...a near-sighted knife thrower.
As funny as...a necktie party.
As funny as...a nuclear meltdown.
As funny as...a one-way ticket to Hell.
As funny as...a pair of cement overshoes.
As funny as...a pair of wet socks.
As funny as...a paper cut.
As funny as...a pay toilet in a diarrhea ward.
As funny as...a perforated parachute.
As funny as...a pigeon bomb.
As funny as...a plague of locusts.
As funny as...a plutonium pizza.
As funny as...a poke in the eye with a rusty umbrella.
As funny as...a power outage on the subway.
As funny as...a proctologist with cold hands.
As funny as...a rabid pit bull dog in your face.
As funny as...a road kill pizza.
As funny as...a roller-coaster car with three loose wheels.
As funny as...a room full of roaches.
As funny as...a root canal.
As funny as...a runaway train.
As funny as...a scorpion in your shorts.
As funny as...a screen door on a battleship.
As funny as...a screen door on a submarine.
As funny as...a shit sandwich.
As funny as...a shoe full of dog crap.
As funny as...a shrunken head.
As funny as...a skunk spray.
As funny as...a slaughterhouse.
As funny as...a slug in the gut.
As funny as...a speed trap.
As funny as...a stuttering telephone solicitor with the hiccups.
As funny as...a supernova up close.
As funny as...a swarm of angry bees.
As funny as...a swift kick in the nuts.
As funny as...a tank with a kickstand.
As funny as...a tax form.
As funny as...a terminal disease.
As funny as...a third-degree sunburn.
As funny as...a tombstone.
As funny as...a traffic ticket.
As funny as...a trip though a hay baler.
As funny as...a turd in the punch bowl.
As funny as...a used condom.
As funny as...a venereal disease.
As funny as...a visit from Dr. Kevorkian.
As funny as...a warrant disclaimer.
As funny as...a wheelchair.
As funny as...a zombie in heat.
As funny as...an arrest warrant.
As funny as...an elevator stuck between floors.
As funny as...an epileptic fit.
As funny as...an iron lung.
As funny as...an IRS audit.
As funny as...an un flushed toilet.
As funny as...asking What's eatin' you? at a leper colony.
As funny as...Bozo on drugs.
As funny as...ejection sets on a helicopter.
As I feared, you have no sense of humor. - Chiun
As interesting as watching the cat shed
As it turns out, deeper within me, love was twisted and pointed at
you.
As long as I live, I shall be, myself, no other, just me.
As much fun as french kissing a light socket!
As quick as a corpse.


As screwed up as a football bat.

As sharp as a bowl of Jelly, and twice as smart.


As sharp as a marble.

As smart as bait.
As the cream rises - so shall the scum!


As thick as two short planks.

Ask a silly person, get a silly answer
Ask a stupid person, get a stupid answer ...
At any time, at any place, our snipers can drop you. Have a nice day.
At least an egotist doesn't go around talking about other people.
Attention everybody! @FN@ Blackadder has another cunning plan!
Attention everybody! @FN@ has another cunning plan!
Attic's a little dusty.
Authority is like a septic tank - the BIG chunks float to the top!
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Avoid fighting with the ugly, they have nothing to lose.
Back burners not fully operating.
Bacteria acts more intelligent than @N@.
Bacteria acts more intelligent than some human beings
Bad Command or Filename. Or maybe you screwed up.
Bad Command or Filename...It's all @FN@'s fault!!
Bad spot on the disk.
Bagdad in flames! Missles coming! Film at 11.
Bang! @FN@'s dead!
Banging head against wall mode - off.
Barney's biggest fan.
Be as good at receiving as you are at giving.
Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.
Be careful when slinging mud, you might lose ground.
Be different DON'T speak your mind!
Be flexible, some things just take time.
Be nice to flamers. They hate that.
Be part of the solution not part of the polution
Be reasonable ... Let's do it my way.
Be right & fear no man. Don't write & fear no woman.
Be smart as a cat: Make a friend of your enemy's enemy.
Be spontaneous.......combust.
Be sure to use DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.
Be yourself, by yourself - stay away from me.
Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
Beautifully framed,isn't it?Ironic, because that's what happened to yo
Beauty fades. Ugly is forever.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.
Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes straight to the bone.
Beauty is skin-deep. Ugly goes to the bone.
Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
Been ridin' broomsticks since she was fifteen
Been Transferred Lately?
Before advising be yourself, reassess his character.
Before you louse something up, THIMK!
Beginnings and endings are truly artificial constructs.
Behaviour, especially when this is supposed to be a place to exchange
Behind an able man, there are always other able men.
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
Being a "nice guy" doesn't cost, but it generally pays.
Being a pain in the ass is a prerogative of the creative mind
Being able to say NO is the root to reclaiming your life.
Being alive: Concentrating on goals, not limitations.
Being ignorant is not so bad as being unwilling to learn.
Being married means making both love *AND* war.
Being misarable builds character.
Being old fashioned is not necessarily good or better.
Being punctual makes people think you have nothing to do.
Being random is the best defense against stupidity.
Ben Franklin wasn't the ONLY one lightning got
Beneath every stone sleeps a scorpion.
Better a coward for a minute than dead forever.
Better know nothing than half-know many things.
Better not sit down: Brain damage is irreversable.
Beware of opinions of anyone with or without any facts.
Beware of the opinion of someone without any facts.
Beware of the woman who does not drink.
Beware of true believers you may be duped by a false god.
Beware the person who has nothing to lose. He always wins
Beware when God lets loose a thinker on this planet.
Biography: One of the terrors of death.
Birds are trapped by their feet, people by their tongues.


Bite off, dirtball.
Blah, blah, blah. Yackety Schmackety.

cHOW dAVID

David Rawsthorne

unread,
Feb 5, 1996, 3:00:00 AM2/5/96
to
Roths <ren...@magellan.cloudnet.com> wrote:

>I need insults that can be used at a family show. I perform at a
>festival in Minnesota that has a game of insult tennis. This year, I
>would like some new ones and need some help.

Blaming others can become a satisfying way of life.
Bless the peacemakers their work will never end.
Blessed are the inept for they will inherit the skies.
Blessed is he expecting nothing, and never disappointed.
Blew a brain cell on that? 2 left.
Blonde wisdom: 1+2=3. Therefore 4+5=6.
Bluff means never having to sway your story.


Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel.

Books? I'd rather lend you my dog...he knows his way home!
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.


Born a day late, and like that ever since.

Born brain dead and still is that way.
Born crying, live complaining, die disappointed.
Born ugly and built to last.


Born ugly and losing ground ever since.

Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Bovine Feces!
Boy they're going to give you a butt chewing for that reply!
Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think.
Brain cell currently disengaged ...
Brain decay isn't @N@'s only problem.
Brain decay isn't your only problem.
Brain disfunction detected....
Brain in gear before mouth in motion.
Brain over - Insert coin
Brain, like muscle, works better if regularly exercised.
Brain. Brain. What is brain?
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Bribe is such a...crass word
Brighter than Cindi Lauper. But then, what isn't?
Brought to you by the letters F, O & D and the no. 69


BTW, does Jesus know you flame?

BTW: Has any body ever told you to....Well...I guess they have...
Bug off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Bullshit Detector. When alarm sounds, please re-engage your brain.
But I have burnt within thee as a pure flame without oil.
But it's so easy to confuse @N@.
But it's so easy to frustrate @N@.
But it's so easy to frustrate you
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
By all means, let's not confuse ourselves with facts.
By trying we can learn to endure another's adversity.
BZZZT! Sorry, but wrong. Thank you for playing!
C'est clair mon ami?
C'mon, @N@, snivel some more.
C'mon, @N@, whine some more.
C'mon, @N@, yell some more.
C'mon, snivel some more.
C'mon, whine some more.
C'mon, yell some more.
C.O.P.'s. . . . Criminals On Payroll
C:\> Human Error... It's all @N@'s fault!
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise
as a man's head.
Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Call me back so I can hang up on you!
Call the narcotics squad,175 pounds of dope just walked in!
Call waiting, great if you have two friends
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
Can I bring @FN@ to Show & Tell on Monday?


Can I bring you to show and tell on Monday?

Can you open your mind without it falling out?
Can You Spell Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
Can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the husband in the back yard.
Can't you see I'm easily bothered by persistance.
Card-carrying member of the cultural elite
Cardinal Biggles, tie @N@ to the RACK!
Careful @LN@, you only have a few brain cells left.
Careful, you only have a few brain cells left.
Catastrophes to others are everyday events to you.
Catch the Blue Wave.
Caution--I was not hired for my disposition
CAUTION..Stupidity may prove fatal if used excessively
Caution: Blown Brain At Work!
CAUTION: Off Medication and Dangerous
Certainly not knitting with two needles!
Change is inevitable...except from a vending machine.


Charles Manson's drinking buddy.

Chopper 1 reports a major wreck on the Information Highway!!!
CLAPclapCLAPclapCLAPclapCLAPclapCLAPclapCLAPclapCLAPclapCLAPclapCLAP
Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right...
Come back here! I'll bite your bloody knees off!
Come back when you get some pubes, @FN@.
Come back when you get some pubes, boys.
Common sense isn't really all that common.
Communication: The Universal Solvent.
Complaints? Write them here legibly [] <-ÿ
Comprehend -- sprout a brain cell.


Condom poster child for 1994.

Conform, go crazy, or fake it like the rest of LTUAE
Confuse people: start making sense.
CONFUSION ALERT! CONFUSION ALERT!


Constipation of the brain and diarrhea of the mouth.

Contribute to the Help @N@ Buy-A-Clue Fund.
Contribute to the Help you Buy a Clue fund.

Contributes to the population problem.

Control-ALT-Delete thyself
Converse with any plankton lately?


Could you continue your petty bickering? I find it most intriguing.

Could you continue your petty character assasination, @FN@?
Couldn't hit the broadside of a barn from the inside, with a guided
missile.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Count to three - see if you can do it from memory.
Cranial Rectalitis - the disease of being a butthead!
Cranio-rectally inverted.


Cream isn't all that floats to the top.

Cream rises to the top......but then, so does scum...
Credibility deficient.
Cremation Place: You Bang 'Em, We Flame 'Em!
Criticizm is inversely proportional to understanding...
Crude, Lewd & Unappealing...and that's just your dog!
Curses! Flamed Again --me
Dahling, don't be so third-level
Dain bramaged.
Dammit, get off her, she's dead.
Damn I'm good
Damn it, @FN@, you're thinking again, aren't you?...
Dangerous exercise: jumping to conclusions


Daughter of Suzy Creamcheese and it shows.

define flame_retardant
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
Devoting your spare time to neglecting duties again I see.
Diagnosable.
Diarrhoea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Did @N@ *really* invent the pooper scooper?
Did I just step on someone's toes again?
Did I.Q.s drop sharply when I wasn't looking?


Did IQ's just drop sharply while I was away?

Did you *really* invent the pooper scooper?
Did you check the...? No, I didn't think so.
Did you ever stop to think, and then forget to restart?
Did you fall out of the tree and hit every branch on the way down?
Did you go to school stupid?...came out that way too, huh?
Did you hear? @FN@ picked a 5 pound booger and his head collapsed!
Did you really understand that message?
Die Laughing ...
Dig a hole in a new place.
Direct all flames to ->NULL
Disguised profanity is as cute as a fart in a spacesuit.
Disliking the truth does not make it any less true.
Do directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road?"
DO IT--It's easier to get forgiveness than permission
Do the words 'act of war' mean anything to you?
Do the world a favor, pull your lip over your head and swallow!
Do the world a favor, pull your lips over your head and swallow!
Do the world a favour, pull your lips over your head and swallow!
Do what comes naturally now, @FN@. Go get the whipped cream!
Do what comes naturally now. Throw a tantrum.
Do you argue with yourself, and LOSE?
Do you call your boss "Dude?"
Do you consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality
entertainment?
Do you consider your license plate personalized because your uncle
made it?
Do you ever use lard in bed?
Do you have a Hefty Bag as the passenger window of your car?
Do you have a license for that face?
Do you have a rag for a gas cap?
Do you need to get an estimate from the barber or the dentist?
Do you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income?
Do you own more than three shirts with cut off sleeves?
Do you prefer "doggie style" so you can both watch Hulk Hogan at the
same time?
Do you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland?
Do you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy?
Do you view your next family reunion as a chance to meet girls?
Do you work hard at being a dork or were you born one?
Does any of this make any sense?
Does anyone REALLY read these stupid taglines?
Does everything the hard way, like making love standing in a hammock.
Does Pi make sense to you?
Does the mothership send you messages through your fillings?
Does the Redman Chewing Tobacco company send you a Christmas Card?
Does this bug you? Does this bug you? Does this bug you?
Does your dad walk you to school because you are both in the same
grade?
Does your dog gag when he watches you eat?
Does your list of most admired people include Jack Daniels?
Does your truck have curtains and your house doesn't?
Does your wife have a bigger beer belly than you and you find it
attractive?
Doesn't have both oars in the water.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Dog is man's best friend. And you are your best friend.


Don't ask me! I'm just an anthropomorphic personification.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain...
Don't be a pain in the neck. Someone may get a lower opinion of you.
Don't be humble. You're not that great.
Don't be so open minded that your brains leak out.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't blame @N@, who voted for Alfred E. Newman!
Don't blame @N@, who voted for Pat Paulsen!
Don't blame @N@, who voted for Pogo!
Don't blame Me, who voted for Alfred E. Newman!
Don't blame Me, who voted for Pat Paulsen!
Don't blame Me, who voted for Pogo!
Don't bother with a CAT scan, your brain wouldn't even fill one pixel.
Don't confuse Growing Up with Blending In!
Don't Confuse Stupidity with Ignorance.
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
Don't count your marbles if you can't find them. It's too hard.
Don't give it another thought. You haven't any to spare.
DON'T GIVE ME THAT,YOU SNOTTYFACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPIN
DON'T GIVE ME THAT,YOU SNOTTYFACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!!
Don't go away mad.... Just GO AWAY!!
Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep until noon
Don't let stress kill you off - let someone help!
Don't let your brains go to your head.
Don't let your mind wander, it's too little to let out.
Don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
Don't let your stereotype have the last word.
Don't like my remarks? Note mistletoe on my shirt-tail.
Don't Look Back. Something might be gaining on you.
Don't look conspiciuous, it draws fire.
Don't mince words, what do you *REALLY* think?
Don't mock the insecure
Don't play "stupid" with me... I'm better at it!
Don't sell yourself short, your wisdom is worth 2 cents.
Don't speak now, and forever hold your peace.
Don't start with me, @N@. You know how I get...
Don't take life seriously. It is not permanent anyway.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Don't tease the Moderator ... he's nuclear capable.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't thank me for insulting you...it was my pleasure!
Don't trust doctors, they once said you were sane.
Don't try to engage my enthusiasm--I haven't got one
Don't try to out-weird me
Don't wish peace on *me*! -Chang-sha
Don't worry about it, no one takes @N@ seriously.
Don't worry about the future, sooner or later it's the past.
Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo
Don't worry--be silly!
Don't worry--I know my glamour is the sort that terrifies weaklings
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Donate here for the 'Help Rebuild Tom's Brain' Fund.
DOS ERROR: Please remove cat from drive A:
douche-bag
Dr. Seuss is dead. He's dead I said.
Drivelmaster.
Driving with two wheels in the sand.
Drop your carrier! We have you surrounded.
Duel of wits? I never attack anyone who is unarmed!
Dumb men are wise until opening their mouths.
Dumb questions are better than smart mistakes!
Dumb v2.0: Upgrade from stupid.
DUMB: Buying water that spells NAIVE backwards.
Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
Easily amused, and laughing about it.
Eat shit -- billions of flies can't be wrong.
Eat Some Fire, Scarecrow!
Eat yogurt and get some culture.
Echo: Only thing that cheats some out of the last word.
Echoes between the ears.
Educate, reinstate, educate
Electroencephalographically challenged.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.
Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
Empty vessels make the most sound.
ENGINE: We're not clickin' on all cylinders here!
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Enquiring minds couldn't care less!
Error: Data Corrupted - (A)bort (R)etry (B)lame @FN@?
Eternal Damnation, Come and stay a long while.
Even a small star shines brightly in the dark
Even sliced VERY thin, baloney is never corned beef.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Even the dullest candle burns brighter in the dark.
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
Even the smallest candle dispels the darkness.


Ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Ever eat your words? Some parts are edible.
Ever had to scratch your sister's name out of, "For a good time
call..."
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
EVERY creed and EVERY kind to give us depth for strength!
Every person you meet knows something you don't. Learn.
Every time you go outside I hope it rains.
Every time you walk BY a girl, she sighs with relief!
Every Titanic has its iceberg.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film!
Everyone is a genius at least once a year.
Everyone is entitled to my own opinion
Everyone is gifted. Some just open their packages sooner!
Everyone is of some use. Yours is to set a bad example!
Everyone is weird...some of us are PROUD of it!
Everything's a lie, and that's a fact.
Evil Mentalist - I think, therefore you aren't
Excellent time to become a missing person.


Excuse me if I sound bitter... I taste that way too.

Excuse me, I have to recharge my flamethrower.
Excuse me, is this a private fight or can anyone join in?
Experience is finding mistakes you make again
Face reality; yet, indulge yourself in fantasy and fairy tales.
Fact. Stranger than any science fiction.
Facts are wasted on @N@.
Failed as a proof-reader for M & M's
Famous last words: "Don't worry, I can handle it".
Fat heads, lean brains.
Fat, drunk & stupid is no way to go through life
Feed my ego..
Feminine Protection? A chartreuse flamethrower?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Fidonet Flamers have uncontrolled vowel movements...
Fight air pollution! STOP BREATHING!
Finagle's Fourth Rule: In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Finally both Oars in the Water - Floating
Find a purpose in life, be a bad example.
Finds a flat by swapping tires.
Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.


Fired from McDonald's for short attention-span.

Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
Fired his retro-rockets a little late.
First Myth of BBS-users: moderation is not needed.
Flames to dev/null/here/is/a/quarter/now/go/buy/a/clue.
Flames welcome, but I've got my asbestos suit on!
Flamethrower not included...
Flaming nuclear death to Smurfs
Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
Folks thought @FN@ was an expert, 'til a real one showed up.
follow the yellow brick PATH...
For a mountain, I am very young. For a woman - I am just right.
For God's sake, people, get a life! -- William Shatner
For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words Bother me.
For many, the declension of life is: I go, you go, ego.
For the last time, don't exaggerate!
For the non-discriminating, non-judgemental, psychotic, all around
Nut.
Forgive, forget, forgive - be a man, not a child.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Foxtrot Union Charley Kilo Yankee Ocean Union!
Frankly, my dear, who gives a shirt...!
From a mind...far, far away...
Fruity as a nutcake.
Full of grief I scream at the wind; thought I heard the voice of
others
Full throttle, dry tank.
Funny, doesn't *look* like a cyberpsycho.
Funny. I don't remember inviting you to this conversation.
Gargle twice daily - see if your neck leaks.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Gee, I feel like an idiot.... Someone want me to get one?
Gee, I love your approach. Lets see your departure.
Gee, I wonder if anyone will believe that line of Bull!
Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!
General stupidity error reading drive C:
Genius has its limits, but not stupidity.
Genius has its limits...Stupidity DOES NOT!
Genius has its limits...Stupidity DOESN'T!
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
handicapped.
Gentlemen (I use the term loosely), your banana awaits
Get off the cross, @FN@, Someone needs the wood!
Give me a break - Why we know your excuses are bullshit
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
a new
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving.
Given an open book exam, you'll forget the book.
Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take the seasick
crocodile.
Go ahead, jump! 100,000 lemmings can't be ALL wrong.
Go ahead...say something...amuse your friends...both of 'em...
Go bite the wall.
Go screw a meat mincer!
Go slide down a razor blade and use your balls as brakes!
Go soak your head, puny human.
Goalie for the dart team.
God I can stand; it's the fan club that I hate.
God loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an ass.
GOD loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an idiot.
God must love stupid people, She made so many of them.
God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
God save us from those who want to save us from ourselves.
Gold medalist, freestyle conclusion-jumping event.
Good advice is an insult that should be forgiven.
Good boy, @FN@. Now go sit in the corner and do what you do best...
Good fortune at times seems to favor the stupid.
Good/Bad News - Both test results are negative, your HIV and your IQ.
Gort: Klaatu Borada Nikto..... and don't forget it
Got THAT right!
Got the mental agility of a soap dish.


Got the mind consistency of a parfait.

Got the personality of a used condom.

Got too many birds on his antenna.

Grant me the strength to ignore ignorance


Grease spot on the driveway of life.

Great minds discuss ideas; small ones, people.
Greetings from Hell, wish you were here.
Gross ignorance is 144 times worse than normal ignorance.
Gross Ignorance: 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance.
Grow up?!? @N@ never finished his _first_ childhood. :-)
Grow up?!? he never finished his _first_ childhood. :-)
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Gyros are loose.
H-m-m-m, looks like a typical, generic case of buffer barf.
Ha' ye nae learned, we HAVE no shame, here.
Half a quart low.
Happiness is @FN@'s face on a milk carton!
Happiness is @N@'s face on a milk carton.
Happiness is seeing your enemy with his genitals on fire!
Has a brain like a B-B in a boxcar.
Has a few birds loose in the attic.
Has a few screws loose.
Has a few screws loose. Otherwise ok!
Has a few tiles missing from his Space Shuttle.
Has a few wait states.
Has a leak in his ceiling.
Has a mind like a sieve.
Has a one-bit brain with a parity error.
Has a photographic memory; too bad there's no film in the camera.
Has a room temperature IQ.
Has a slow clock.
Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass.
Has an ego like a black hole.
Has both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Has bubbles in his think tank.
Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
Has it floored in neutral.
Has only one oar in the water.


Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".

Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
Has the IQ of a salad bar / ice cube.


Has the IQ of a salad bar.

Has too many birds on his antenna.


Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

Has two neurons separated by a spirochete.


Has two neurons, and they don't synapse.

Has your wife's hair-do ever been ruined by a ceiling fan?


Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.

Hasn't got enough sense to come in out of the rain.

Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.

Hate this, hate me, hate this - right approach for the wrong!
Hatred, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Your hatred will kill
Have you @#%!ed your dog today?
Have you clubbed an ignorant human today?
Have you considered suicide this week?
Have you ever barbecued Spam on the grill?
Have you ever been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance?
Have you ever been to a zoo? I mean, as a visitor?
Have you ever been to the zoo? I mean, as a visitor?
Have you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle?
Have you ever modeled for Halloween masks?
Have you ever modelled for Halloween masks?
Have you ever painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass?
Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Have you had a significant new idea of your own lately?
Have you hugged an electric fence today?
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
He bellows like a Bull standing on his balls.
He bellows like a cow standing on her tit.
He blew his O-rings.
He blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
He can be outwitted by a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He comes from a long line of first cousins.
He couldn't buy a clue with lottery winnings.
He couldn't win a debate against Suzy Creamcheese.
He desperately needs help.
He does the work of 3 men. Moe, Larry & Curly
He doesn't have all his cups in the cupboard.
He doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
He doesn't have all his oars in the water.
He doesn't have all of his groceries in the same bag.
He doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
He doesn't have both oars in the water.
He doesn't have enough sandwiches for a picnic.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
He doesn't know what she's talking about.
He doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.
He doesn't need therapy - he needs a lobotomy.
HE doesn't work, but he's pretty ugly.
He echoes between the ears.
He failed as a proof-reader for M & M's.
He fan club - tar & feathers will be provided.
He forgot the gun was loaded.
He forgot to pay his brain bill.
He gets his news from Mad Magazine.
He got a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
He has a concrete mind - permanently set, and all mixed up.
He Has a few birds loose in the attic.
He Has a few screws loose.
He Has a few wait states.
He has a one-bit brain with a parity error.
He has a phenomenal grasp of the obvious.
He has a ready wit. Let me know where it's ready.
He has a room-temperature IQ.
He has a slow clock.
He has a train of thought. You have a tricycle...
He has a very good point.
He has a Wessonality disorder.
He has all the charm of a dirty Christmas card.
He Has an ego like a black hole.
He has been upset ever since he found out there was no Santa Claus.
He has both oars in the water on the same side of the boat!
He Has both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
He has bubbles in his think tank.
He has delusions of adequacy.
He has every attribute of a dog except for loyalty.
He has false teeth...with braces.
He has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
He has it floored in neutral.
He has ROM (for a stubborn person).

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