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A Texan Moves North

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Arthur B Fowler

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Apr 8, 1996, 3:00:00 AM4/8/96

A Texan Moves North

January 10

It's 5:00 pm. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first
one my wife and I have seen in years. We took our hot buttered rums and sat
by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the
trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.

January 11

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape.
What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered with a beatiful white
mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did the
driveway and the sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidently
covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver
smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

January 12

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped
to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees have snapped due to the
weight of the snow. I shoveled the driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the
snowplow came by and pulled his trick again. Now, much of the snow is
brownish-gray.

January 13

It warmed up enough during the day to create some slush that soon became ice
when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell
on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken.
More snow and ice expected.

January 14

Still cold as hell. Had another 8 inches of the white shit last night. More
shoveling in store for me today. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud.
Sold the wife's car and bought a 4X4 in order to get her to work. She slid
into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the rear
quarterpanel. That goddam snowplow came by twice today.

January 15

It's 2 fucking degrees outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on
our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off during most of the night.
Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater which
tipped over and nearly burned the fucking house down. I managed to put the
flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and I lost all of my
eyelashes and eyebrows. The car slid off the road on the way to the emergency
room and was totaled.

January 16

Goddam motherfuckin' white shit keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the
clothes we own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox. If I ever catch that son-
of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll chew his chest open and rip his
heart out. I think he hides around the corner and waits until I shovel our
driveway before he roars by each time and throws the brownish-gray shit on our
driveway.

January 17

Six goddam more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin' sleet and fuckin'
ice and no telling what other kind of white fuckin' shit fell last night. I
wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice ax but he got away. Wife left
me. Truck won't start. I think I'm going snow-blind. I can't feel my fuckin'
toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More white shit is predicted. Wind
chill is minus 22 degrees. I'm movin' my ass back to Texas!

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Document transcribed by Art Fowler
URL:http://www.cs.tamu.edu/people/afowler/humor.html

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