Surrey Girl Jokes
Sarah Hotdesking
and "Essex Guy" jokes while looking through stuff I had archived on mag tape
in 1990. I didn't want to waste them and this seemed like the appropriate
place for them since they're not in good taste..
REVENGE OF THE ESSEX GIRL: SURREY GIRL JOKES
What does a Sussex Girl do after sex?
Sweeps out the stable.
What does Surrey Girl do after a gang-bang?
Writes 20 thank you letters.
What does a Sloane Ranger have sex for?
To keep her coal in.
(hint - say it with a Sloane accent)
What is the difference between Surrey girls and Essex girls?
Surrey girls have real jewellery and fake orgasms.
Hooray Henrietta: I'm 36-24-38.
Hooray Henry: Wow! I can never remember my bank code.
How long does it take Surrey girl to boil and egg?
It depends on how far she's got with the Cordon Bleu cookery course.
Why did the Surrey girl fail her driving test?
Because she got in the back seat and ordered the examiner to drive her home.
How can you tell the bride at a Surrey wedding?
She's the one kissing the labrador.
What is Surrey girl's favourite Rolling Stones LP?
Get Your Ya-Yas Out!
What's a Surrey girl's favourite wine?
I want to go to Gstaad.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and a sheaf of corn?
A sheaf of corn has more between the ears.
What is the ultimate definition of a Surrey man?
Someone who gets out of the bath to pee.
What is Surrey girl's favourite TV programme?
After Henry.
Why is Surrey girl like a greengrocer?
Both speak with plums in their mouths.
Pregnant Surrey girl to father: How the hell should I know who
the father is? You never let me go steady with anyone.
Why do Surrey girls believe in God?
SOMEONE must have built Harrods.
How does Surrey girl tell Hooray Henry it's all over?
Darling, I hear Daddy's lost all of his money.
Hear about the Surrey girl who thought that Franz Lizst was related to
Wedding List?
What are the last 2 letters in Surrey girl's alphabet?
VW.
What do you call the Surrey girl branch of the RAC?
A Golf club.
What is Surrey girl's favourite opera?
The Barbour of Seville.
Surrey boy to Surrey girl: lets play mummies and daddies.
Surrey girl: okay, I'll have the flat near Harrods and you can have the
place in the country.
What is the difference between Surrey boy and a homosexual?
One's into rogering people with moustaches, the other is gay.
Why do Surrey girls like the best things in life?
They like anything that's free.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and a down-and-out?
One is a lazy good for nothing who wears ill-fitting clothes and the other
is a
victim of social injustice who sleeps in a cardboard box.
Hooray Harriet: Mummy was on about the Green Belt the other day.
Hooray Henrietta: it must go rather nicely with her green wellingtons.
Why do Surrey girls close their eyes when making love?
So they can pretend to be shopping in Harrods.
How do you know if you've slept with a Surrey girl?
There's fingerbowl by the bed.
Surrey Girl to Hooray Henry at breakfast: No toast, Henry?
"Sorry Darling. The Queen"
Why are Surrey girls put in dormitories at boarding schools?
So that they can bore each other to sleep.
Hear about the Surrey girl who thought that play your cards right
was all about hiding the Access bill from Daddy.
Why don't Surrey girls vote?
They refuse to have anything to do with the Commons.
Why did the Surrey girl throw away her Gucci belt when her diet failed?
Because they were accessories before the fat.
Why do Surrey girls eat rich food?
To improve their complexions.
What does Surrey girl take before sex?
A magnum of Bollinger.
Why are Surrey girls like snow?
Both are thick on the ground in Klosters.
Why is Surrey girl like a pushmi-pullyu?
Both are two faced and incredibly false creatures.
Why did the Surrey girl run out of Gin and Tonics?
It was cook's day off and she'd taken the recipe with her.
What is Surrey girl's idea of enthusiasm?
Oh if you MUST, Henry.
Why do Surrey girls spend so much on their flats in Knightsbridge?
Because charity begins at home.
Why do Surrey girls get up before 4 p.m.?
To get to Coutts before it shuts.
What is a Surrey girl's idea of sincereity?
Falling in love with a man with less money than she has.
Why is Surrey girl like an IBM computer?
She'll never go down on you.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and a coal fire?
A coal fire gives out warmth when you poke it.
Why is Surrey girl like a public convenience?
She's either engaged or pretty vacant.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and Johnny Rotten?
Johnny Rotten wasn't given a $250,000 to change HIS name.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and a Penguin?
It only costs a few pence to pick up a Penguin.
Why are Surrey girls known as "Lassie"?
Both have foul breath and have sex on all fours.
Why is Surrey girl like the Mona Lisa?
Both have fixed smiles.
Why is a Surrey girl like a Saint Bernard Dog?
She's a dog up a mountain with a bottle of brandy.
What does Surrey girl say after sex?
And you all play for the same Polo team.
What cup size does Surrey girl take?
Pimms No 1.
Why do Surrey girls eat goats cheese?
Because nanny knows best.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and the Elephant Man?
One is frighteningly ugly and gets the hump if anyone is
rude to them and the other was portrayed by John Hurt.
How does Surrey girl report a burglary?
Dials 999 and screams "there's a heist in my hice"
How does Surrey girl tell then Hooray Henry is sexually excited?
By the stiff upper lip.
Why is Surrey girl like Cinderella?
Both have ugly sisters.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and Cinderella?
No-one would dare tell a Surrey girl she couldn't go to the ball.
What is Surrey girl's favourite chat show?
Aspen and Company.
Why is Surrey girl's fiance like a Soho gambling club after it's
been hit by the Triads?
They're both chinless.
What's the difference between Surrey girl and a bottle of perfume
bought from an Oxford Street shop squat?
There's more chance of the perfume being genuine.
Why do Surrey girls still think it's safe to smoke?
Duty free cigarettes don't carry Government health warnings.
What is a Surrey girl's greatest dilemma?
Half-price Barbours for sale in Kilburn.
Why do art dealers hire Surrey girls as guides in their
galleries?
It makes the pictures look more attractive by comparison.
How many Surrey girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to open the champagne and the other to phone the
electrician chappie.
What is Surrey girl's favourite snack after a hard day fox-hunting?
Blood-U-Like.
Why is Surrey girl like a used car salesman?
Both are insincere and out to screw you for every penny you've got.
What does Surrey girl have in common with Barbara Cartland's eyelashes?
Both are incredibly false and glaringly obvious.
What does a Surrey girl in public relations do?
What does anyone in Public Relations do?
What does Surrey girl say during foreplay?
I take it this means we're engaged Henry.
Which 2 words are emblazoned on every Surrey girl's heart?
Trust Fund.
Why do Surrey girls walk around with their noses in the air?
So they don't have to smell their own breath.
Hear about the Surrey girl who thought Val d'Isere was an Irish singer?
What designer label does Surrey girl wear in her knickers?
Next.
Why do Surrey girls wear blue stockings?
To hide the varicose veins.
What is the most charming thing about a Surrey girl?
Her bracelet.
What does Surrey girl do when Hooray Henry gets a stiffie?
Add it to the others on the mantelpiece, darling.
What do Surrey Girls use that's 6 inches long and buzzes?
A mobile telephone
What does Surrey girl call her boss?
Daddy darling ....
What do Surrey girls say on their wedding night?
You CAN lose it riding, you know.
Hear about the bilingual Surrey girl?
She knew how to say YES in German.
Why is Surrey girl like beluga caviar?
You have to be incredibly rich to eat either of them.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and Beluga caviar?
Both taste of fish, but the caviar is more satisfying.
Why is Surrey girl like an aircraft carrier?
You should give them both a wide berth.
What happened to the Surrey girl who married a Saudi Prince?
She became known as the Shriek of Araby.
What is the difference between Surrey girl's party smile and a
Dodge City poker game?
The poker game is less likely to be fixed.
Why can't Surrey girls enter beauty competitions?
Because shopping in Knightsbridge doesn't count as a hobby.
Hear about the Surrey girl who thought sex were things coal was delivered
in?
Why is Surrey girl like a Ferrari?
Both cost a fortune and are hard to get into.
Why don't Surrey girls wear paper bags on their heads during sex?
Why do you think they wear scarves?
What do you call a Surrey girl's address book?
Debretts.
What's the perfect birthday gift for a Surrey Girl?
Saddle-soap-on-a-rope
What's the difference between Surrey Girl and a mule?
One looks like a horse and brays, the other is a mule.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and her labrador?
Labradors are loyal.
Why do Surrey girls work in PR?
After partying all night it's the only work they're capable of doing.
What is Surrey girl's idea of foreplay?
24 hours unlimited use of a Harrods credit card.
What is Surrey girl's favourite Vietnam war movie?
Full Dinner Jacket.
Why did marriage hold no surprises for the Surrey girl?
She'd already slept with a groom.
Why is Surrey girl like a heroin habit?
Both are very expensive and will eventually drive you insane.
What is Surrey girl's favourite suace?
Daddy's.
What do you call a Surrey girl with inherited brains?
Adopted.
Hooray Henrietta: I don't understand why people are moaning about
unemployment.
Hooray Harriet: Me neither, only this morning the Daily Mail
said there are another 5,000 jobs in jeopardy.
Hooray Henrietta: Where exactly is Jeopardy?
What is Surrey girl's idea of a horror movie?
Down and Out in Beverly Hills.
Why is Surrey girl like a lemonade salesman?
Both get all their money from Pop.
What birthday present do you get a Surrey girl who's studying Zen
philosophy?
A fur coat.
Why do schools in Surrey have such long summer vacations?
So that the children can get to know the new nanny.
What's the difference between Surrey girl and Jeremy Beadle?
At least Beadle smiles after he's shafted someone.
Hooray Harriet: Where's the television channel changing thingy?
Hooray Henrietta: It's his day orf, darling.
Why do Surrey girls marry their cousins?
Because they're not allowed to marry their brothers.
What does Surrey girl have in common with John Cleese?
They know people who spend all their time being Idle.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and Arthur Daley?
Arthur Daley is only a MINOR villain.
How does Surrey girl satisfy the man in her life?
She gives him an Essex girl au pair.
Why is their a tube station in Knightsbridge?
So that Surrey girls' charladies can get to work.
Why do Surrey girls have so many middle-names?
Because Mama, Papa, Step-mama and Step-papa all wanted to have their say.
Why don't Surrey girls sit on Committees?
They refuse to address questions through a Charperson.
Why are Surrey girls' engagements announced in The Times?
So that Henry can't back out of it.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and Jimmy Hill?
Jimmy Hill eventually shaved his chin.
Why is Surrey girl like Pimms No 1?
Both get drunk at garden parties.
Why does Surrey girl drink Champagne at parties?
As a pick-me-up.
What's the difference between Knightsbridge and Greenland?
Fewer huskies in Greenland.
Why does a Surrey Girl have a golden retriever?
To stop Surrey man from getting away
At the National Gallery:
Hooray Henry: Oh look, there's Whistler's Mother.
Surrey Girl: Didn't we meet her at the Hunt Ball?
What's the difference between Surrey girl and the Abominable Snowman?
One is really gross and likes Alpine conditions. The other
is also known as the yeti.
Why is Surrey Girl like the TSB?
They both want to know how much you've got before they say "yes".
What do you call a car accident in Knightsbridge?
A creche.
What's the difference between Surrey girl's male children and Ritchie
Havens?
Ritchie Havens only sometimes feels like a motherless child.
Whats the difference between dancing with a Surrey girl and being tackled by
Vinny Jones?
You're less likely to get bruised ankles with Vinny Jones.
Why did the Surrey Girl turn down a holiday in Holland?
One simply never goes Dutch
What's the difference between Surrey girl and Surrey girl's mother?
One looks like a fifty year old, horse faced hag and the other is her
mother.
What's the difference between Surrey girl and a goldfish?
The goldfish is more interesting when it opens its mouth.
What does Surrey girl say when she reaches orgasm?
One is arriving, one is arriving.
What's big, pink and hard and had by Surrey Girl first thing in the morning?
The Financial Times
Why doesn't Surrey Girl need a telephone directory?
If they're not in Who's Who she doesn't need to know them.
What's the differnce between Surrey girl's face and the surface of the moon?
The moon doesn't fill the pockmarks with foundation.
Surrey Girl: I'd like some deodorant please chemist.
Chemist: Aerosol?
Surrey Girl: No, under one's arms
Why does Surrey girl only make love with the lights out?
One can't bear to see one's chap having a spiffing time.
What does Surrey girl have in common with a travelling rug?
Both get laid at picnics.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and a snowman?
You get more warmth from the snowman.
What do Surrey girls have in common with the South Pole?
Both are cold, distant and uninviting.
Why did Surrey girl have a caesarian birth?
She didn't fancy the idea of labour.
What's the difference between Surrey girl and Chelsea Girl?
One is noisy and has hundreds of frocks, the other is a boutique.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and a dishwasher?
Both have plenty of Finish, but only one will wash dishes.
What do you call a Surrey girl with an O level?
The Princess of Wales.
What do you call a Surrey girl with 2 O levels?
The daughter of the chief of the Examination Board.
What do you call a Surrey girl at University?
Just visiting.
Where foes Surrey girl buy her milk and butter?
Jennifer's dairy.
Why did Surrey girl go to London's East End?
She'd been told that men would give one a pony if one slept with them.
What's the difference between Surrey girl and a satellite in
geostationary orbit?
The satellite is more down to earth.
Why is Surrey girl like a roofer?
They're both always on the tiles.
Where do Surrey girls go to meet their chums?
Whine bars.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and a night watchman?
A night watchman usually gets out of bed before 6 p.m.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and a circus elephant?
One has a large nose and gets laughed at for its dancing
and is often known as Dumbo, the other is a pachyderm.
Surrey Girl: Shall we go and see the Chippendales?
Hooray Henrietta: No, I prefer modern furniture.
What has Surrey girl got in common with a Rainforest?
Both are pretty dense.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and a Rainforests?
Rainforests are rapidly becoming less dense.
Where do Surrey girls have their country houses?
Bray.
What do polo players do when bored with their Surrey girlfriends?
Chukka.
Randy Hooray Henrietta to Hooray Henry: Would one like to give one one?
What do you call a Surrey girl in a city boardbroom?
The caterer.
What do you call a Surrey girl in Oxford Street?
Lost.
How do you tickle a Surrey girl?
Gucci, Gucci goo.
There was this Surrey girl who loved to watch nativity plays so
she could watch out for King Harrod.
Surrey Girl: I'd like some deodorant please chemist.
Chemist: Roller?
Surrey Girl: It's parked outside.
Why is Surrey Girl like Hilda Ogden?
Both are usually seen in Rollers.
What does Surrey girl have in common with a slice of processed cheese?
Both get eaten in Rolls.
What does Surrey girl consider to be natural childbirth?
No make-up.
What's the difference between Surrey girl and a pig?
One is greedy and squeals, the other is a pig.
What's the difference between the British coastline and Surrey girls bum?
Surrey girls bum isn't getting any smaller.
What is Surrey girls favourite pop group?
Bucks Fizz.
Why do Surrey Girls buy Surrey boys boxer shorts?
They just adore coming-out balls.
Why do Surrey girls have babies ?
To give the Golden Retriever something to play with.
Why else do Surrey girls have children?
To push up the alimony settlement.
Surrey Girl: Would one like sex, Henry?
Hooray Henry: Top Hole!
Surrey Girl: Manners, Henry! Tits first.
How do you make a Surrey Girl smile?
Shove a coathanger in her mouth.
What is Surrey girl's favourite Joe Orton play?
Loot.
What is Surrey girl's second favourite Joe Orton play?
Entertaining Mr Sloane.
What does Surrey girl use for protection during sex?
A Purdey.
Why did the Knightsbridge girl refuse to move South of the river?
She considered Clapham Common.
What is Surrey girl's idea of primal therapy?
Watching a nanny eat chocolate biscuits.
What do Surrey girls make for dinner ?
Reservations.
Why is dining with a Surrey girl like committing a crime?
Crime never pays either.
What's the difference between Surrey girl and a bottle of lager?
You have to take the top off a bottle of lager before it
will satisfy you.
Why is a Surrey girl like Vicks Sinex?
Both get up ones nostrils.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and Vicks Sinex?
You feel ill before using Vicks Sinex.
Why is Surrey girl like catarrh?
Both are snotty and get up your nose.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and catarrh?
One's thick and gets up your nose, the other is an
accumulation of snot.
Why do Surrey girls get married?
So they can appear in Hello!
What's the difference between Surrey girl and Sandhurst?
Fewer officers have been though Sandhurst.
Why is Surrey girl like the Silver Lady?
Both are screwed on the bonnet of a Rolls Royce.
How does Surrey girl tell Hooray Henry she's pregnant?
Darling, one's going to need to engage a nanny.
Why did Surrey girl return the Rolex Oyster she was given as a
birthday present?
There was no R in the month.
What does Surrey girl do after having sex in the countryside?
Muck out the stables.
Pregnant Surrey Girl: What is the position in which one should give birth?
Doctor: The position as the one in which the baby was conceived.
Pregnant Surrey Girl: What? In the back of Henry's BMW?
What positions do Surrey Girls make love in?
POSITIONS?
What is Surrey Girl's favourite Beach Boy's hit?
Barbour Ann.
Why does Surrey girl roll her Rs?
She can't get it all on the saddle at once.
What is the difference between Surrey Girl and the nat West
tower?
Fewer merchant bankers have been up the NatWest Tower.
Why is Surrey girl like a tinned mushroom?
Both are cultivated but have no taste.
What is the only thing cultured about a Surrey girl?
Her pearl necklace.
Have you heard about the Surrey girl who though Pearl Harbor was
a jewellers in Knightsbridge?
How does Surrey girl apologise for not having been born in Surrey?
Sussex actually.
What does Surrey girl like best before SEX?
SUS.
Waht is Surrey girl's favourite old record?
Last Train to San Lorenzo.
What do you call a Surrey girl in a stockbroker's office?
The interior decorator.
Surrey Girl: I'd like some pepper.
Assistant: Black pepper or White Pepper?
Surrey Girl: Toilet Pepper.
Why is Surrey Girl like a brassiere?
Both get on your tits.
What is Surrey girls favourite position for an orgasm?
Facing Harrods.
Surrey girl: Darling, I want to be kissed somewhere warm, moist and smelly.
Hooray Henry: I'll contact Air India at once.
What is Surrey girls idea of a blind date?
Going out with someone she isn't realted to.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and a pine table?
One is thick and laid before lunch, the other is a piece of furniture.
Why is Surrey girl like Oliver Reed?
They're always on the piste.
A Surrey girl trained as a secretary. On her first day she type
her first letter. On her second day she typed the other 25.
What do you call a group of singing Surrey girls?
Barbour shop quartet.
What's the difference between Surrey girl and the Rolling Stones?
The Rolling Stones thought you can't always get what you want.
How does Surrey girl find out what the time is?
She slams the Golf door and waits for someone to yell "shut
up, don't you know it's four o'clock in the morning!"
Why is Surrey girl like a boxer?
Both would kill for a title.
What is Surrey girl's idea of loyalty?
Ask her friend before she sleep with her husband.
What is Surrey girl's greatest faux pas?
Eating her bread roll instead of throwing it.
Why is Surrey girl like a muddy puddle?
Both are shallow and best avoided.
What is the difference between Dolly Parton's tits and Surrey girl?
Dolly Parton's tits are for real.
What is the difference between Surrey girl's bedroom and Euston station?
There's never any shortage of guards in Surrey girl's bedroom.
Why do Surrey girls wear high heels?
So they can look down on people.
What do you call an intelligent Surrey girl?
Living proof that mummy slept with the butler.
Who is the patron Saint of Surrey girls' parties?
St Michael.
Why do Surrey girls go shopping with friends?
Because even shop assistants can't bring themsleves to say
"Oh it really suits you"
What is the difference between Surrey girl and Lord Snooty?
Lord Snooty's friends are genuine.
How do you get rid of a Surrey girl?
Tell her you're broke.
Why is Surrey girl like a jockey?
Both are often on their high horses.
What is Surrey girls idea of being flat broke?
Being down to her last three apartments.
What is the difference between Surrey girl and Thunderbirds?
Thunderbirds is more animated and has Brains.
How can you tell when a sick Surrey girl is feeling better?
She orders a cocktail cherry in her medicine.
Why do Surrey girls wear velvet hairbands and pearls?
So they don't have to bother telling the cabbie where they ant to go.
What do you call a Surrey girl with a social conscience?
A traitor to her race.
What do you call a Surrey girl who doesn't work for Daddy?
Overqualified.
How do you know when a Surrey girl has had an orgasm?
She puts down her copy of Horse and Hound.
Why don't Surrey girls use public transport?
What's public transport.
Why did the Surrey girl try to join a monastery?
She heard they were always going to Klosters.
What does Surrey girl have in common with a pimp?
They both have more brass than taste.
Why is Surrey girl like a soft-boiled eggs?
The both get soldiers dipped into them
What do Surrey girl and a kid eating candy-floss have in common?
They are both toffee-nosed.
What is Surrey girl's favourite movie?
Sloane alone.
Why do Surrey girls have facial hair and deep voices?
Because they want to be like their mothers.
Why didn't Hooray Henry report his Surrey girlfriend's stolen
credit card to the police?
The thieves weren't spending as much as she did.
Why is Surrey girl like a constipated farm-worker?
Both have piles in the country side.
Why do Surrey girls marry young?
So they don't have to wait long for the first alimony payment.
Why do Surrey girls go on ski-ing holidays?
Because life isn't one long party.
Hear about the Surrey girl who thought that loose change was
putting on a tracksuit?
What are the only 2 French words in a Surrey girl's vocabulary?
Le Gavroche.
What is Surrey girl's favourite cartoon?
Barbour the elephant.
Why does Harrods telephone number end in '1234'?
So that Surrey girls can show off their counting skills.
What's the difference between Rob Andrews and a Surrey girl?
One's a stand-off, the others stand-offish.
Naval Officer: Have you ever seen HMS Hermes?
Surrey Girl: Isn't that the Queen's headscarf?
--
Sarah H
http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk/folder404/internet-expired.htm