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Wednesday June 10, 1998 Issue

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Jun 10, 1998, 3:00:00 AM6/10/98
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ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND


Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE
BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG
20p DO-IT-YOURSELF


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT.
(PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)


English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the
Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED.
OPEN TOMORROW.


Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO


Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME


Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.


Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS
WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD
TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER


Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS
WILL BE DISPOSED OF.


Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY
NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS


Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS
A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR


Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES


Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS


Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT


Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


ANGUS BROON OF GLASGOW


Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's
come off of me fly I canny button me pants. "


"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs
and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"


About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit
of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose
comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god,
what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"


"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she
did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite
off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in...


Submitted by . . .
Wombat @mip.net


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar
cars that got 1000 mi/gal."


Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing
this statement:
"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"


1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would
have to buy a new car.


2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason, and you would just accept this, restart and
drive on.


3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to
stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine.
For some strange reason, you would accept this too.


4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless
you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to
buy more seats.


5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but
would only run on five percent of the roads.


6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft
upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run
much slower.


7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced
by a single "general car default" warning light.


8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.


9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.


10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what
happened.
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