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How to use tech support...

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madpierre

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Feb 16, 2001, 6:50:01 PM2/16/01
to
[If this is a duplicate, I'm sorry. Frontier, Pipex, PSI and
Dejaaaarrgle seem to be keeping the average number of posts down. Yes,
that's probably something I did. Or didn't. Anyway.....]

It seems that some of our support customers are not entirely clear on
how to use our support service, so I have been asked to write a
"welcome" letter that helps them.

However, as many of you work much closer to the coalface than I do, I
would be grateful if you would check through the following draft and
let me know if there is anything important that I have missed?

+++ Begin Draft +++

Thank you for using [deleted]'s support service. We are resigned to
your custom and have designed the following procedure to ensure that
your support calls cause us the maximum of disruption and grief.

Please take a few moments to put this letter where neither you nor
anyone else involved will ever find it again.

Our contract requires that you have at least one designated contact
who raises support calls to us. If you choose to do this, please
select someone with absolutely no technical ability whatsoever.
Alternatively, you could ignore this requirement and get everyone in
your organisation to call.

There are several reasons for this. Firstly, it increases the chances
of duplicate calls being made so that you can argue for months about
how many calls you have left. It also reduces the level of continuity
and this can be important in making a simple problem last as long as
possible.

Secondly, it allows you and us to ensure that the service is being
abused by, for example, allowing members of your staff to get their
unlicenced copy of Quake II running without you finding out.

Thirdly, it allows everyone in your company to claim to be a
technological wizard while remaining as resolutely clueless at the end
of the contract as they are now. This means that each problem takes
progressively longer to be solved and gives you much greater
opportunity to complain about the quality of service or argue about
payment.

If you would like to ignore this and actually have some designated
contacts, please don't ever tell us who they are.

The Call Despatch number is 0800 [deleted]. No calls should be made to
this number. If you call it by mistake, they will ask for your name,
your company name and a brief (but as accurate as you can manage)
description of the problem. It is generally best to refuse to give
them this information and demand to be put through to a supervisor.
Verbal abuse is encouraged and staff also respond well to breathtaking
arrogance.

If you are unable to do this - hell, everyone has an off day now and
then - please do not give all of the information. If you give your
name, do not mention which company you are calling from or,
alternatively, give the wrong telephone number. Doing both helps keep
our support staff even busier. They also appreciate it when you leave
the office for the day immediately after you have made the call.

If you remember not to use the 0800 number and call us direct, please
do not ask for the Help Desk. This increases the chance that you will
be put through to someone who will forget to pass on your message to
the right people.

Alternatively, make a note of all the engineers' mobile telephone
numbers. They are an idle lot and, if it wasn't for you, they would
sit around all day doing nothing. Please call them direct as they do
not have any other customers to look after. Also, as they have
absolutely no lives outside work, you would be doing them a huge
favour getting them at home or on holiday. The one exception to this
is if you are following up on a call that we have already started
working on. That's when you really should call the 0800 number and run
up our support costs.

Our hours of support are from 1728 to 1730. If you have a problem
earlier during the day, please click randomly on every icon you can
find on your desktop. Do not under any circumstances keep a record of
what you did or of any error messages that might be produced. If you
are using a Microsoft product, please do this in regedit. Do not stop
until your have made the Windows registry look like a uuencoded Word
document. Then wait until 1728 and make your call.

Thankyou for your custom.

+++ End Draft +++

So, did I miss anything important?

Piers.
--
We're not net nazis. We're dot communists.
- Gargoyle (n.a.n-a.e)

Lady Kayla

unread,
Feb 17, 2001, 12:38:37 AM2/17/01
to
On Fri, 16 Feb 2001 23:50:01 +0000, madpierre <madp...@despammed.com> wrote:

[...]


>The Call Despatch number is 0800 [deleted]. No calls should be made to
>this number. If you call it by mistake, they will ask for your name,
>your company name and a brief (but as accurate as you can manage)
>description of the problem. It is generally best to refuse to give
>them this information and demand to be put through to a supervisor.
>Verbal abuse is encouraged and staff also respond well to breathtaking
>arrogance.

If you are put through to a female, please remember that she cannot
possibly understand the deeply technical problem that you are
having, and demand to speak to a real technical support person.[1]

[...]


>Alternatively, make a note of all the engineers' mobile telephone
>numbers. They are an idle lot and, if it wasn't for you, they would
>sit around all day doing nothing. Please call them direct as they do
>not have any other customers to look after. Also, as they have
>absolutely no lives outside work, you would be doing them a huge
>favour getting them at home or on holiday.

The best time to call any of our engineers on their mobile phone is
between 2am and 4am. They are generally the least busy at that time,
and would be delighted to assist you in any way that they can.

[...]


>So, did I miss anything important?

Not really.
--
Lady Kayla

[1] Bitter? Moi?

Jan Ingvoldstad

unread,
Feb 19, 2001, 10:24:01 AM2/19/01
to
On Fri, 16 Feb 2001 23:50:01 +0000, madp...@despammed.com
(madpierre) said:

> So, did I miss anything important?

Yes, lusers.

--
In the beginning was the Bit, and the Bit was Zero. Then Someone
said, Let there be One, and there was One. And Someone blessed them,
and Someone said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish
the Word and subdue it: and have dominion over every thing that is.

The Flying Hamster

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Feb 20, 2001, 4:30:24 AM2/20/01
to
On Mon, 19 Feb 2001 15:24:01 +0000, Jan Ingvoldstad <ja...@ifi.uio.no> wrote:
>On Fri, 16 Feb 2001 23:50:01 +0000, madp...@despammed.com
>(madpierre) said:
>> So, did I miss anything important?
>Yes, lusers.

He said "important"

--
The Flying Hamster <ham...@suespammers.org> http://hamster.wibble.org/
"The rest of this document assumes that senior management has already
stopped reading." -- RFC 2795

Jan Ingvoldstad

unread,
Feb 20, 2001, 7:11:45 AM2/20/01
to
On Tue, 20 Feb 2001 09:30:24 +0000, hamster...@nospam.wibble.org
(The Flying Hamster) said:

> He said "important"

Yes, and since he's trying to make an Emily Support or something,
forgetting that you're dealing with lusers _is_ an important thing.

That kind of sarcasm just doesn't work with lusers, so he'll end up
with generating more trouble than he had in the first place.

Of course, that may not be important to _you_, but I bet it's
important to him.

My advice to madpierre: Keep that document suggestion as an internal
joke, and don't let it ever come near any lusers, unless you think
it's funny to have people follow those instructions by the letter.

The Roach

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Feb 20, 2001, 2:18:06 PM2/20/01
to

> My advice to madpierre: Keep that document suggestion as an internal
> joke, and don't let it ever come near any lusers, unless you think
> it's funny to have people follow those instructions by the letter.

Hmm... let us be honest - the way most lusers do exactly the opposite of
what you are asking them to do (especially with regards to these 'how to
contact tech support' letters), I'd consider the number of people calling

and exhibiting luserish behaviour is at worst equal, probably smaller...

Helpdesk? No, haven't sat there in almost a year... still bear the
scars...

--
penI'yIn 'ej pechep
The Roach (www.roach.demon.nl - Filks, Stories, poems...)
(Spammer trap - when replying by e-mail, check headers for User-ID and
domain, else you're addressing my spambin...)

The Roach

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Feb 21, 2001, 2:44:10 PM2/21/01
to
In article <atmdMPG.14fd786...@news.lspace.org>,
pat...@lspace.org says...

> The average number of months it takes to burn out on a Hell Desk seems to
> be 18 (no, not nineteen - though that would accomodate a nice filk
> better).

In Europe, numbers I heard from the US seem to cut that down even more...

> You, sir, are singularly responsible for raising the average by
> an uncanny amount - how you survived 3 years or more of it, I still
> cannot fathom.

3 years? THREE years? LOL

I started working there on april 13th, 1994. The last day I worked there
(and handed out inordinate amounts of going-away pie and...) was april
13th, 2000. And yes, it was a wee bit doctored that way (I had taken one
day off on the twelfth both to make the pie and to make my going-away day
the thirteenth...

Tom Saul

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Feb 23, 2001, 3:04:04 PM2/23/01
to
Lady Kayla <lady...@suespammers.org> wrote in message
news:atmdslrn98s3in...@bunnywub.vom.tm...

> On Fri, 16 Feb 2001 23:50:01 +0000, madpierre <madp...@despammed.com>
wrote:
<snip>

> If you are put through to a female, please remember that she cannot
> possibly understand the deeply technical problem that you are
> having, and demand to speak to a real technical support person.[1]

I've seen the results of someone asking a colleague just that... I wouldn't
dare do it unless I was in an athletic starting position *and* had several
miles head start!

> [1] Bitter? Moi?

You could always use the brand new service; TeleSmite - smite people
from a distance and the comfort of your home or office :-)

Tom.


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