The UBER-LUSER from HELL who WOULD NOT DIE.

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Ben Cantrick (alias Macky Stingray)

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Jul 15, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/15/96
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It's summer. Times are slow. Although I work in what amounts to a
cinder-block jail cell with no windows, I do at least have an old
DecStation and a Pentium (even if it does run '95) to play with. I also
get to (ab)use a PowerMac, so I can run Escape Velocity. The air-conditioning
that keeps the machine room cool seeps in through the floor of the office.
This is another benefit for me, having the 90-mile-an-hour metabolism I do.
(Some of my cow-orkers hate it, though.)

Even so, my shifts crawl along. In particular, one. It's a 12 hour shift
on Sunday night that starts at Noon goes until Midnight. Rough, but at least
calls are usually at a minimum. (The phones usually go dead after 6.)

But once in a while, the peace is broken by a luser. And not any ordinary
luser. No, this is not the luser who:

- Can't speak English
- Speaks English really badly
- Wants to "set up their Win95 e-mail account on the world wide web"

...or any other garden variety luser, no! This is the: UBER-LUSER from
HELL who WOULD NOT DIE!


[RING, RING]

Me: "Hello, CNS Advising."
ULfHwWND: "Hi. I'm um... trying to get my Macintosh to work?"
Me: "..."
ULfHwWND: "I don't know much about computers..."
Me: (rolling eyes, thinking "tell me something I don't know") "Well what
seems to be the problem?"
ULfHwWND: "It doesn't work..."
Me: (Lowering head to desk, just in case what I think is going to be
necessary turns out to be necessary.) "How does it not work? Is there an
error message? What happens?"
ULfHwWND: "When I download Netscape, nothing happens."
Me: (Covers mouthpiece of phone. Hits head on desk a few times. <Wham!
THUD! Whack!>) "Well, if you double-click on the installer, it'll start-"
ULfHwWND: "Double-click?"[1]
Me: (I elected to use the cinder-block wall this time... <WHAM! THUD!
WHACK!>) "If you click on an icon, and then choose OPEN from the FILE
menu, you can run a program. Now find the Netscape installer and run
it. Netscape will allow you to install it. Then you can run Netscape."
ULfHwWND: "How do I find Netscape?"
Me: (Thinking, "Oh lord, why art thou so cruel? Why dost thou inflict thy
worst lusers on my shift? Why?? WHY?") "If you go to the FILE menu and
choose FIND, you can search for stuff with a certain name."
ULfHwWND: "Okay, should I type in "Netscape" for the name?"
Me: ("No, you should type in "CLUE."") "Yes, that would be a good idea."
ULfHwWND: "It's showing me two things. Which one do I choose?"
Me: ("Does one read "Shoot Luser"?") "You're looking for the Netscape
Installer."
ULfHwWND: "But they both say "Netscape.""
Me: (<SOB! CHOKE!>) "Yes, that's because we searched for files with the
word "netscape" in the name. Now is there one called "Netscape
Installer"?"
ULfHwWND: "Letsee... hang on..."
Me: (Mentally screaming, "TWO ITEMS!! IT FOUND TWO F**KING ITEMS! WHO
TAUGHT YOU TO READ? HELLEN KELLER!?") "Double-click on the one that
says "Netscape Installer"..."[3]
ULfHwWND: "Okay. It's saying it wants to "unstuff" the files."
Me: (<Sigh of relief>) "Great. It's going to put Netscape on your hard
drive now."
ULfHwWND: "It says it's done unstuffing now."
Me: "Now just run Netscape, and you should be on your way."
ULfHwWND: "How do I find Netscape?"
Me: (Covers mouthpiece and breaks down crying.)


I'm not cut out for this job. Thank god I'm quitting at the end of
the summer. On the other hand, the job has taught me a valuable lesson.
There is no amount of money that anyone can pay me to be phone tech
support ever again...


-Ben
-----
[1] If I ever, EVER make a joke about having to teach people to double-
click again[2], LART me.
[2] I used to do so often. Now the mere thought rends my sanity...
[3] Oh sure, THIS time we have no trouble with the concept.
--
"BGC: Because some of us believe women over 14 are still sexy."
=--------- http://ucsu.colorado.edu/~cantrick/home.html -------------=
*Ben Cantrick, diehard BGC otaku and Priss fan. ---> THE BGC DUBS SUCK! <---*
*Mac? Ha. "When I want to spend 50% of my time fighting an OS, I'll use VMS."*

Vladimir Gabrielescu

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Jul 16, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/16/96
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In <bcn3tWAf...@csking.demon.co.uk> Chris King <ch...@csking.demon.co.uk> writes:

[snip]

>It can be - just wait for a user to scream "HEEEELLLLPPPP !" and wind
>them up. ("You DID take a backup, didn't you ?" etc) They're cheaper
>than pets, just as entertaining and you don't have to take 'em to the
>vets to have them neutered.

I am not convinced that not having to take them to the vet to have them
neutered is a good thing. I would really like to know why you think so
'cause I'm dont have clue.

Vlad
--
Vladimir Gabrielescu NBCS Student System Programmer 1-908-445-5545
vgab...@toolbox.rutgers.edu http://nbcs.rutgers.edu/~vgabriel/
"Standards are so critical to the computer industry that they invent new
ones every six weeks." Bob Church in a.s.r


Christopher M Cooney (CS)

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Jul 16, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/16/96
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Chris King (ch...@csking.demon.co.uk) wrote:

: It can be - just wait for a user to scream "HEEEELLLLPPPP !" and wind


: them up. ("You DID take a backup, didn't you ?" etc) They're cheaper
: than pets, just as entertaining and you don't have to take 'em to the
: vets to have them neutered.

otoh, maybe that last part isn't such a bad idea...

Canadian

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Jul 16, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/16/96
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Chris King <ch...@csking.demon.co.uk> wrote:

>I hate that when my users start using excuses for lame stupidity.
>Example: user puts an entire month's correspondence in a single file,
>takes no backups, corrupts file. Gets all shirty when told that recovery
>of said file is impossible due to user not clicking on her "network
>backup" icon for over four weeks. "I was too busy to do that" she said.

My favourite moment of my current job came on the day when the server crashed
and a day's data was lost (backups *not* done every day)[1]. I'm doing a
contract programming job in an office of 5 people. Our server is run by a
larger company in the same building.

So I got two wonderful experiences in one day. The first was having the junior
sysadmin type -- you know, the designated groveler -- come upstairs to explain
what happened to everyone. I felt sorry for the poor sap, having been the DG
on many occasions in the past, but hey, better him than me.

The second wonderful experience was setting up backups for my office and having
*everyone* in the office -- all 5 people -- treat my docs like the Word O The
Diety Of Your Choice. It was great. Nearly nine months later they still
backup religiously, and daily!

[1] I kept all *my* data local. Like an ex-sysadmin is going to trust a
sysadmin to look after his data.


--
Chris Foley (chr...@iceonline.com) DNRC POPE OF CAPITAL LETTERS, HPK


Abby Franquemont-Guillory

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Jul 16, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/16/96
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In article <4sg7i5$c...@ccshst05.uoguelph.ca>,
Josh Tiefenbach <jo...@scis.org> wrote:
>On 15 Jul 1996 17:41:02 -0500, Abby Franquemont-Guillory <abb...@tezcat.com> burbled:
>>
>>See, now what always gets me is when people tell you this angrily,
>>as if they were furious about the fact that they don't know much
>>about computers. You know, like this:
>>
>[snip]
>>Me: Okay, and can you describe that?
>>They: (angrily)Look, I already said I'm not a computer person.
>
>What kills me is the people who use the 'I'm not a (computer|technical) person'
>line as an excuse not to engage in basic reasoning.
>
><sigh>

Heh. The other night I was having a beer with a friend of mine, and
he happened to say, "You know, I think if I had Internet access, I'd
be that guy asking the questions that are so dumb they're impossible
to answer." I thought about this, and said, "Well, let's see. What
if we try an experiment to see how you would do on the questioning
end of a tech support call."

"Okay," he said, "sounds like a plan." So I asked him to look
directly in front of him. "You should see a beer, your cigarettes,
and your lighter," I told him. "Do you see those three things in
front of you?"

"Yes," he said.

"Okay," I told him. "Now, what I want you to do is reach out
and pick up your beer with your hand." He did so flawlessly. "Okay,"
I said, "you're doing great. Now, I want you to move the beer so it's
close to your mouth, and take a sip and swallow it." This, too, he
did with no problem. "Now put the beer down in the same place where
you picked it up from a minute ago," I directed him, and again, no
problem following directions there.

"Allright," I told him, "now we're going to get a little bit
more complicated. I want you to pick up your cigarettes. Now, open
the lid. Okay, take out a cigarette, and place the filter end in your
mouth. The filter end is the one which is not the tobacco end. Great.
Now, you can put down the pack of cigarettes, and pick up your
lighter...." We went all the way through, and he handled it fine.

"See," I told him, "If you were the impossible to deal with
guy, then when I told you to pick up your cigarettes, you would have
gotten angry, and told me that last time, I told you to pick up your
beer, and you wouldn't have wanted to have anything to do with the
idea that this time, we were doing something different from taking a
sip of beer... and it would really piss you off when I tried to
explain that part."

But anyway. My friend was convinced, and we had another beer.
--
Abby Franquemont-Guillory | abb...@tezcat.net -- ne...@tezcat.net
USENET News Administrator | http://www.tezcat.com/~abbyfg/index.html
Tezcatlipoca Incorporated | Still the Infamous Devil's Advocate!
PGP Key Fingerprint = F3 7A 6C D9 ED 44 A5 10 8B 97 EF 64 67 C7 98 0D

hillary gorman

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Jul 16, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/16/96
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Abby Franquemont-Guillory (abb...@tezcat.com) wrote:
:
: See, now what always gets me is when people tell you this angrily,
: as if they were furious about the fact that they don't know much
: about computers. You know, like this:

Oh god. Please.

Support ticket #1:
From: luserbeyo...@netaxs.com
To: sup...@netaxs.com
Subject: Your modems don't work

Hello. I am writing to you because your modem pool is BROKEN. I pay a lot
of money and I don't think it is acceptable that I only connect at 9600
or else your modems don't even ANSWER. When will this be fixed?

-Luser B.T. Pale

From: sup...@netaxs.com
To: luserbeyo...@netaxs.com
Subject: re: your modems don't work, Ticket #1

Hi. Well, sorry you're having trouble. I think you need to look at your
slip/ppp configs or your modem settings. Our modems will answer at 28.8
if your end is set up correctly. A ring-through could be caused by a
broken modem here or else you are calling the hunt that has more lines
than modems, and you are getting a ring-through because the hunt is busy.

If you tell me more about your setup, where you dial in, etc, perhaps I
can help you.

Support ticket #:
From: luserbeyo...@netaxs.com
To: sup...@netaxs.com
Subject: Your modems STILL don't work

Look. I am not going to start going into details about my settings when
YOU have the messed up modems! My configs worked fine til friday. I
didn't change anything!!! The FACT is your alleged 33.6 couriers won't
answer at more than 9600. Deal with it.

----

After about 10 more of these, in which I BEGGED the luser to just let me
know what KIND of software he had, I started forwarding everything to
Avi, who told the guy that it was definitely on HIS end, and that he
should send me the software settings to be checked or cancel his account.
The guy wrote back with an "offer" to "keep the account at half price
through september, by which time hopefully" our modem problems would be
resolved. Avi told him that since the problem was NOT on our end, that
was a stupid idea. After another 10 emails back and forth, I FINALLY
found out that he was using MacPPP, he had set up another dialin number
by copying his original prefs, but he had left the port speed at 9600.

His final email to me said something like:

Thank you for pointing out my error with the port speed. I have changed
to 57,600 and now your modems work.

LUSER!!!!!!!

--
hillary gorman......................................hillary@netaxs.com
For Net Access questions, write to: <sup...@netaxs.com>
"believe me, it's ON THE LIST of things to do. now, where IS that list?"

Chris King

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Jul 16, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/16/96
to

In article <4sehdu$h...@xochi.tezcat.com>, Abby Franquemont-Guillory
<abb...@tezcat.com> writes
>In article <4se53j$m...@peabody.colorado.edu>,

>Ben Cantrick (alias Macky Stingray) <cant...@rintintin.Colorado.EDU> wrote:
>See, now what always gets me is when people tell you this angrily,
>as if they were furious about the fact that they don't know much
>about computers. You know, like this:
>
>Me: Okay, so what seems to be the problem?
>They: Um, it doesn't work. I think it's on your end.

Buggers always say that. It's never *THEIR* fault, it's always *OURS*,
even if they've made a complete bollix of their system !

>Me: In what way does what not work?
>They: Well, it's just, I mean, it doesn't work.

Try working out what "it" is in under four attempts, and you're a better
man than me...

>Me: Okay, what are you trying to do?
>They: The same thing I always do.

Yeah, like telepathy is part of my job specification.

>They: Do you know a lot about this kind of stuff?
>Me: Which stuff, sir?
>They: You know, computers, modems, the Internet, stuff like that.

I'd probably reply with:
FOOLISH MORTAL ! YOU DARE TO QUESTION MY KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE ?
DIE ! DIE ! DIE !
<click...>

[snip]

>They: (angrily)Look, I already said I'm not a computer person.

I hate that when my users start using excuses for lame stupidity.


Example: user puts an entire month's correspondence in a single file,
takes no backups, corrupts file. Gets all shirty when told that recovery
of said file is impossible due to user not clicking on her "network
backup" icon for over four weeks. "I was too busy to do that" she said.

>*sigh*


>
>> I'm not cut out for this job. Thank god I'm quitting at the end of
>>the summer. On the other hand, the job has taught me a valuable lesson.
>>There is no amount of money that anyone can pay me to be phone tech
>>support ever again...
>

>Hehehe. It can be better -- do phone tech support in the middle of
>disaster recovery. *grin*

It can be - just wait for a user to scream "HEEEELLLLPPPP !" and wind
them up. ("You DID take a backup, didn't you ?" etc) They're cheaper
than pets, just as entertaining and you don't have to take 'em to the
vets to have them neutered.

--
Chris King
ch...@csking.demon.co.uk

Turnpike evaluation. For information, see http://www.turnpike.com/

Josh Tiefenbach

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Jul 16, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/16/96
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On 15 Jul 1996 17:41:02 -0500, Abby Franquemont-Guillory <abb...@tezcat.com> burbled:
>
>See, now what always gets me is when people tell you this angrily,
>as if they were furious about the fact that they don't know much
>about computers. You know, like this:
>
[snip]
>Me: Okay, and can you describe that?
>They: (angrily)Look, I already said I'm not a computer person.

What kills me is the people who use the 'I'm not a (computer|technical) person'


line as an excuse not to engage in basic reasoning.

<sigh>

>Hehehe. It can be better -- do phone tech support in the middle of
>disaster recovery. *grin*

I dont do phone support. I have enough problems with people sticking thier heads
over the partition and asking me questions. :)

--
"Perl is the language of choice for net abuse"
-- Larry Wall

"No, I'm not going to explain it. If you can't figure it out,
you didnt want to know anyways..."
-- Larry Wall


Tim Irvin

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Jul 16, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/16/96
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In article <4shgp9$c...@news.onramp.net>, medw...@onramp.net wrote:

> My peeve is "Mark, I know you're at lunch, but..."

Oh, God. A nickel for every time I was assaulted with a trivial
question every time I was stuffing my face with a chile verde
burrito from the roach coach, and I could retire.

> My reply is something along the lines of "Good, then you'll let me finish
> it uninterrupted." At which point I go back to my reading (which alternates
> between 'reading for fun" and "reading for knowledge" - which basically
> amounts to the same thing...).

This is what I *always* want to say, but I don't have the guts. I want
to be you when I grow up.

--
Tim Irvin, zig...@netgate.net :: Softball '96: 20G / 13-6-1 / .500, 1 HR
WWW: http://www.netgate.net/~ziggy29/
"Someone who wears a tie to WWDC (the major Mac developers show)...
needs to rebuild his desktop file and zap his parameter RAM."
-- Guy Kawasaki

Chris King

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Jul 17, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/17/96
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Mark Edwards <medw...@onramp.net> wrote

>My peeve is "Mark, I know you're at lunch, but..."

I got fed up of doing being called out over lunch, especially as it was
the same users who kept bugging me - one made the fatal mistake of
ringing me to say she needed to print urgently and that the printer was
jammed.

Unfortunately, this was from a "storyteller", you know, one of those
uber-lusers who sends you an e-mail the length of "War and Peace" just
to tell you she's lost an icon. It took her ten minutes of *MY LUNCH
HOUR* to explain the problem - anyone else would say "My printer's
jammed, can you take a look at it ?", but oh no, she had to tell me how
*urgent* this printout was, and that it was so *important* - no it
bloody well wasn't, I know her better than that.

I just disabled the queue, went downstairs, switched the printer off and
left note saying "back at 2.00" - by this time she'd wasted 15 minutes
of my time, so I came back 15 minutes late. Unfortunately, it was
important, but she got told off for bugging me during lunch - what a
tragic shame.

>My reply is something along the lines of "Good, then you'll let me finish
>it uninterrupted." At which point I go back to my reading (which alternates
>between 'reading for fun" and "reading for knowledge" - which basically
>amounts to the same thing...).

If I locked the door, logged out of e-mail and took the phone off the
hook, they'd just stick messages under the door. Being on the 1st floor,
they're unlikely to tap on the window...

Chris

Chris King

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Jul 17, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/17/96
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Vladimir Gabrielescu <vgab...@lochaber.rutgers.edu> writes
>>It can be - just wait for a user to scream "HEEEELLLLPPPP !" and wind
>>them up. ("You DID take a backup, didn't you ?" etc) They're cheaper
>>than pets, just as entertaining and you don't have to take 'em to the
>>vets to have them neutered.
>
>I am not convinced that not having to take them to the vet to have them
>neutered is a good thing. I would really like to know why you think so
>'cause I'm dont have clue.

It's not worth wasting good money on vet's fees on a creature that's all
suicidal - would you take your pet lemming for its shots ? :)

If you have to neuter your users, any competant vet should be able to do
it. But an incompetant one could be more fun.
--
Chris King
ch...@csking.demon.co.uk

Turnpike evaluation. For Turnpike information, mailto:in...@turnpike.com

Mark Brady

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Jul 17, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/17/96
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Chris King wrote:
>
> If I locked the door, logged out of e-mail and took the phone off the
> hook, they'd just stick messages under the door. Being on the 1st floor,
> they're unlikely to tap on the window...

I tried that and they will slip notes under the door. The real lusers will
tape them to the front of your door and wonder why you don't notice them
until you walk back into your office. My luserboss would just bang on my
door and shout "I know you're in there but I have this little problem."
Of course, they never tell me when the system goes down or something burns
up (1) but then that's Danstar's second law (2).

(1) Muffin fan but I wanted the second law to be footnoted as (2)
(2) Danstar's Second Law - The amount of complaining is inversely proportional
to the seriousness of the problem.
--
Mark Brady <recovering sysadmin>
CONNECT! Corporation
14700 North Airport Drive, Suite 100
Scottsdale, Arizona 85260 (602) 951-6226 Fax: (602) 596-6950
Visit http://www.connectcorp.com for Quick, Java applet caching software

Chris King

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Jul 17, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/17/96
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aaron sommer <aaron_...@herringn.com> writes
>In article <bcn3tWAf...@csking.demon.co.uk>, Chris King

><ch...@csking.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>> Try working out what "it" is in under four attempts, and you're a better
>> man than me...
>
>Yup. My favorite so far was Netscape.
>
>Ms. Luser calls, asking how to make a Netscape plugin work. She's irate
>and annoyed, and I gather she's been trying to do it herself for the
>last half-hour. I decide to just go up there, do it myself, and let her
>feel stupid as I do it in 30 seconds or less.

My users say "sorry" a lot when they call me out. It seems that my
predecessor was pretty nasty to them, and declared all problems to be
impossible if not solvable instantly.

He was also pretty inept. When I prepared his machine for use elsewhere,
I noticed that Windows was set up for the Norwegian keyboard...

>Turns out that she's downloaded it and it was automatically decompressed.
>She's still dinking around with the compressed file, of course, completely
>ignoring the file named "Shockwave Plugin Installer" directly below it.

Oh no, that was too obvious for her.

I keep telling people to read the Message Of The Day, but they keep
banging a key to go past it. Well, that's not going to be the case much
longer, 'cos I've knocked up a piece of Visual Basic to display the MOTD
and prevent them doing anything for 30 seconds. Other apps load in the
background, but they can't dismiss the MOTD or switch away from it for
that time.

>Restart, install, restart, luser instantly launches netscape before I do
>anything. Lo and behold, Netscape 1.1N launches. Luser promptly turns to
>me and asks "when will it do something?"

WHAT ?! She downloads a plug-in, then expects Netscape to do something
just like that ?! She wants LARTing for even thinking that.

>Turns out there were 3 copies of Netscape on the machine. Luser hadn't
>bothered to delete the old ones or update the alias pointing at the app.

Only 3 ? But how many aborted installations littered her disk ?

David P. Murphy

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Jul 17, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/17/96
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mnm...@swva.net (Mike Mills) writes:

><grin>
>
>SOMETIMES the boss DOES back you up!

my boss _always_ backs me up. even when i've screwed up.
which is why i'm still here after three years.

ok
dpm
--
David P. Murphy mailto:mur...@connor.datametrics.com (work)
systems programmer mailto:d...@access.digex.net (personal)
http://www.access.digex.net/~dpm
COGITO ERGO DISCLAIMUM ftp://ftp.access.digex.net/pub/access/dpm

Dan Mallison II

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Jul 17, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/17/96
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hil...@netaxs.com writes:
> Abby Franquemont-Guillory (abb...@tezcat.com) wrote:
>
pitiful luser story snipped...

>
> --
> hillary gorman......................................hillary@netaxs.com
> For Net Access questions, write to: <sup...@netaxs.com>
> "believe me, it's ON THE LIST of things to do. now, where IS that list?"

To be included "on the list", and always at the TOP is:

Find previous list.(1)


Dan II


1) Usually in shirt pocket AFTER the wash is done.(2)

2) ARGH!(3)

3) But only because personal stuff is usually on the list also.
--
Howard D. Mallison II
Computer Operations Technician
UVa Medical Center Computing
hd...@galen.med.virginia.edu

electel t`iln'rve litser

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Jul 17, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/17/96
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Chris King posted this to alt.sysadmin.recovery. For shame, Chris King!:

: If you have to neuter your users, any competant vet should be able to do


: it. But an incompetant one could be more fun.

Fsck the vet. Get a sword and do it yourself. That's what *I* do. :)
Cheaper, easier, and even more fun!! };)

--
electel the exhausted of alt.sysadmin.recovery./apk.general
(ele...@junior.wariat.org) [http://junior.wariat.org/~electel/]
"damnit, i told you to type my name all lowercase! *LARTLARTLART*"
irc == Kemorlytas / electel / treind (DALnet/Undernet/LISC)
- its da new and improved crappy 5 line sig that sucks a lot! -

Mark Edwards

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Jul 17, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/17/96
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Abby Franquemont-Guillory <abb...@tezcat.com> burbled:


>>Hehehe. It can be better -- do phone tech support in the middle of
>>disaster recovery. *grin*

jtie...@uoguelph.ca (Josh Tiefenbach) wrote:
>I dont do phone support. I have enough problems with people sticking thier heads
>over the partition and asking me questions. :)

My peeve is "Mark, I know you're at lunch, but..."

My reply is something along the lines of "Good, then you'll let me finish


it uninterrupted." At which point I go back to my reading (which alternates
between 'reading for fun" and "reading for knowledge" - which basically
amounts to the same thing...).

Mark Edwards
-----------------
Any email, judged by me, to be of a commercial nature, will be reviewed
and billed at a rate of $500 per item.


Timothy Hunt

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Jul 17, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/17/96
to

In article <4sg7i5$c...@ccshst05.uoguelph.ca>,

Josh Tiefenbach <jo...@scis.org> wrote:
>
>I dont do phone support. I have enough problems with people sticking thier heads
>over the partition and asking me questions. :)

bizarre. You people with multiple heads, sticking them over partitions.
Do you sit on a disk or something?

Timothy

--
I said the above. No-one else.

Jason A. Wells

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Jul 17, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/17/96
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>Heh. I think I'm going to call the liquor store and tell them that "my beer
>is broken. I didn't change anything, and the last beer I had was just fine.
>What did you guys do to the beer?."
>They'd probably figure I was drunk and just hang up on me. Waitaminute...

SUPPORT: OK, can you see the can of beer in front of you?
LUSER: I think so, what does it look like?
SUPPORT: Well, it's a metal object, somewhat in the shape of a cylinder.
LUSER: What? I don't see anything like that here..
SUPPORT: Sir, are you drinking your beer from cans or bottles?
LUSER: I don't know..
SUPPORT: Is the beer held in a glass or aluminum container?
LUSER: Look, all I want to do is drink my beer..
SUPPORT: Please, sir, just answer the fscking question!
LUSER: I don't see why I have to know all this technical stuff
when I just want a beer..

>===========================================================================
>Eric L. Pederson | er...@winternet.com
>System Administrator and Troublemaker | er...@geeks.org
>===========================================================================
>"If operating systems are weapons, Solaris is a world-war-two German
>railway gun with a cracked breech block" - Charlie Stross

--jason
--
_O_ _O_
| Jason A. Wells (jaw...@crl.com) -==(UDIC)==- |

Alistair Young

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Jul 17, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/17/96
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In <4se53j$m...@peabody.colorado.edu>, cant...@rintintin.Colorado.EDU
(Ben Cantrick (alias Macky Stingray)) writes:
> I'm not cut out for this job. Thank god I'm quitting at the end of
>the summer.

Congratulations! You lasted longer than me.

I had a temporary job, when I was a student, doing actual-turn-up-
on-the-spot tech support. I kept the job for, let me see now, two and a
half days. [1]

> On the other hand, the job has taught me a valuable lesson.
>There is no amount of money that anyone can pay me to be phone tech
>support ever again...

After that experience, there's no amount of money that anyone can pay me
to be *any* kind of tech support ever again...

Alistair

[1] They fired me for giving a clue forcibly to an uberluser. The kind
who has half a clue, but the wrong half. [2] Not that I took it too
badly, as I soon discovered it was much easier to extract money
from gullible American tourists, of whom that town had an
inexhaustible supply, than to do any kind of real work.

[2] As in "knows enough to try to write scripts to do X, but not enough
to believe you when you tell him that X can't be done"

--
Alistair Young - Arkane Systems Software Development & PC Consultancy
e-mail: ava...@arkane.demon.co.uk http://www.bofh.net/~sloth
sl...@bofh.net Phone/Fax: +44 (1833) 638233 (24 hr.)
sl...@jurai.net Sysimperator, dominus regis deusque machinarum.
The opinions above ARE my company's, because I OWN it! [Team OS/2]
No quote here until this fscking Perl script works.


Chris King

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Jul 17, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/17/96
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Mark Brady <mark....@connectcorp.com> writes

>Chris King wrote:
>>
>> If I locked the door, logged out of e-mail and took the phone off the
>> hook, they'd just stick messages under the door. Being on the 1st floor,
>> they're unlikely to tap on the window...
>
>I tried that and they will slip notes under the door. The real lusers will
>tape them to the front of your door and wonder why you don't notice them
>until you walk back into your office.

The best way to stop them putting things under the door is to have a
good, solid draught excluder up against the door. All the notes stay in
the corridor, and hopefully get lost/blown away by draughts etc. The
only problem is that your co-conspirators can't stamp food flat and
shove it under the door, if for some reason you want to barricade
yourself in the room for extended periods :)

>My luserboss would just bang on my
>door and shout "I know you're in there but I have this little problem."
>Of course, they never tell me when the system goes down or something
>burns up (1) but then that's Danstar's second law (2).
>
>(1) Muffin fan but I wanted the second law to be footnoted as (2)
>(2) Danstar's Second Law - The amount of complaining is inversely proportional
> to the seriousness of the problem.

It's always a little problem when handed to you by your boss, until you
realise how much work it's going to entail. Then the problem suddenly
blows up in you face.

As for Danstar's 2nd law, if they're really wingeing about something,
they're either trying to avoid work, or trying to make your life a
misery by passing work on to you.

Chris King

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Jul 17, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/17/96
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Mike Mills <mnm...@swva.net> writes

>Chris King <ch...@csking.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>
>>>>There is no amount of money that anyone can pay me to be phone tech
>>>>support ever again...
>>>
>>>Hehehe. It can be better -- do phone tech support in the middle of
>>>disaster recovery. *grin*
>>
>>It can be - just wait for a user to scream "HEEEELLLLPPPP !" and wind
>>them up. ("You DID take a backup, didn't you ?" etc) They're cheaper
>
>WAY back when I was working phone tech support for a software/hardware
>company that sold specialized software to the steel industry
>(Structural Software, Inc.), I got a call from a lady who worked at
>one site - She told me I had to fix the problem because of our
>contract. Well, I knew about that, that was my job, and I certainly
>didn't need her to reiterate it.

Oh dear, an officious, bureaucratic luser. The worst sort to deal with.
If people won't cut me any slack due to overdue pettiness, they get the
same treatment dished out when they want something from me.

>So I dialed into her site (Norton CloseUp - 1990), and logged into our
>tech support account on their server.
>
>Then I realized that she had been playing with rights and basically
>stripped all my rights away. I could do NOTHING to help. When I
>mentioned this, I was told that I "didn't need access to fix it".

That's like asking a mechanic to fix your car and taking away his tool
kit. (She probably thinks they can strip down an engine with their bare
hands) Hadn't she thought about disabling the account between support
calls, or was that too much for her to cope with ?!

[Bobbit]


>SOMETIMES the boss DOES back you up!

My current one is great on that score. He's very supportive, even though
the entire team is over-worked and under-valued.
It's nice to know I'm working for a human being (for once).

My previous boss was a grade-A uber-bastard, and I don't care if he is
reading this. He repeatedly undervalued my work, questioned my integrity
and made several threats to sack me. It gave me great pleasure to slam
my resignation notice on his desk and tell him where to stuff his
miserable job. He's since been dismissed for driving away several other
staff, one of whom was told she wasn't working hard enough even though
she was doing 50-60 hour weeks and coming in at weekends.
--
Chris King
ch...@csking.demon.co.uk

Turnpike evaluation. For information, see http://www.turnpike.com/

KeA

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Jul 17, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/17/96
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Chris King (ch...@csking.demon.co.uk) wrote:

[SNIP]

: It can be - just wait for a user to scream "HEEEELLLLPPPP !" and wind


: them up. ("You DID take a backup, didn't you ?" etc) They're cheaper

: than pets, just as entertaining and you don't have to take 'em to the


: vets to have them neutered.

HEUREKA! That's it, we can't kill them, but neuter them all, and the
lusers will hopefully die out, but WWF would probably come up with a
program for their survival...

--
From the desk of k...@penti.sit.fi
http://www.sit.fi/~kea (And I'am not proud of it)
Remember: Down, not across!

Joe Bork

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Jul 17, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/17/96
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Chris King <ch...@csking.demon.co.uk> wrote:
[snip]

>
>If I locked the door, logged out of e-mail and took the phone off the
>hook, they'd just stick messages under the door. Being on the 1st floor,
>they're unlikely to tap on the window...
>

You know, I was just going to ask you what was so hard about knocking on a
1st floor window, when I noticed your UK address. Ah, yes, that explains it
all. Just out of idle curiosity (is there any other kind?), what is the
floor on the ground level called? I'd guess the "ground floor," but that
would be too obvious. I dunno, I always conjure up this mental picture of
these buildings floting about 8 feet above the ground... ("Oh yes, I work on
the first floor, but nobody can reach me...")

Ah, well, idle babblings. I just found out that I'm to be responsible for
maintaining a NetWare 4.1 network, as well as training a "new guy" to do the
day-to-day sysadmin stuff. I've never used NW4.1. It's going to be a long
week.

--Bork


Fan Li TAI

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
to

While cycling on the InfoBahn on 18 Jul 1996 01:16:14 GMT, I saw <ent...@monopoly.cs.umn.edu> scrawling <4sk38u$n...@epx.cis.umn.edu> in alt.sysadmin.recovery:

>Joe Bork <jb...@junior.wariat.org> wrote:
>
>>You know, I was just going to ask you what was so hard about knocking on a
>>1st floor window, when I noticed your UK address. Ah, yes, that explains it
>
></hiding>
>
>I work on the 1st floor of the computer science building, but we have no
>windows. Why? (besides the fact that some of us are allergic to the BBR...)
>Well, in this building, Floor 3 is the ground level. Yep. You figure it out.
>I have never seen this anywhere else.

Happens all the time back home. It's called "mezzanine". People
who build shophouses for sale do it all the time, call it "4 1/2 floors"
to escape govt regulations about 5 storey shoplots needing lift/elevator/
things to move you up and down. People who buy the shoplot would then
pay an independent contractor to cover it up and make it 5 storeys.
Ground floor, mezzanine, then 1st floor. Makes great sense... :)

-Tai


David Hobson

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
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jb...@junior.wariat.org (Joe Bork) wrote:

> all. Just out of idle curiosity (is there any other kind?), what is the
> floor on the ground level called?
> I'd guess the "ground floor," but that would be too obvious.

No, really, it is! Also you can have 'ground level' and '0' [1] [2]
Ooops. That could almost be construed as useful.

> as well as training a "new guy" to do the day-to-day sysadmin stuff

Bets on how long you'll get by without him calling you for a 'problem' ?

David

[1] Sometimes on lift panels instead of G.
[2] How the hell do you represent underground floors if not by -1, -2, -3... ?

--
David Hobson


Tim Irvin

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
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In article <4sgnai$o...@netaxs.com>, hil...@netaxs.com (hillary gorman) wrote:

[snip]

> His final email to me said something like:
>
> Thank you for pointing out my error with the port speed. I have changed
> to 57,600 and now your modems work.
>
> LUSER!!!!!!!

Kill. I mean, really... *kill*.

Sometimes I think our users are clueless, as all sysadmins do, but at
least I'm not at a university or an ISP. That would have to be BOFH
Hell for anyone who tires of dealing with clueless lusers.

--
Tim Irvin, HP-UX Miracle Worker and Oracle Guy
Lockheed Martin Missiles and Space, Sunnyvale, California
e-mail: ir...@lmsc.lockheed.com voice: (408) 742-0440
************ all standard disclaimers apply ************

Kate Wrightson

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
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In article <4sj2au$7...@crl11.crl.com>, Jason A. Wells <jaw...@crl.com> wrote:
>
>SUPPORT: OK, can you see the can of beer in front of you?
>LUSER: I think so, what does it look like?
>SUPPORT: Well, it's a metal object, somewhat in the shape of a cylinder.
>LUSER: What? I don't see anything like that here..
>SUPPORT: Sir, are you drinking your beer from cans or bottles?
>LUSER: I don't know..
>SUPPORT: Is the beer held in a glass or aluminum container?
>LUSER: Look, all I want to do is drink my beer..
>SUPPORT: Please, sir, just answer the fscking question!
>LUSER: I don't see why I have to know all this technical stuff
> when I just want a beer..

Recently, the Cheery Helpmeet <tm> and I were in our local homebrew
supply store and overheard the following (which I'd forgotten til this
thread popped up):

CUSTOMER: Ah wanna brew mah own beer.
STORE GUY: Okay. You'll need this handy beginner supply kit and this
kit for a basic light ale. [Note: a Bass clone.]
CUSTOMER: Ah don't want nothing too complicated.
STORE GUY: It isn't. Can you boil water and open a can?
CUSTOMER: Yep.
STORE GUY: Okay, then we'll get you going. Do you have empty bottles at
home?
CUSTOMER: Bottles? Cain't ah just put it in cans?
STORE GUY: Not unless you have a commercial canning factory at home.
CUSTOMER: Oh. What's them funny little green things you just put there?
STORE GUY: Hops, for flavor.
CUSTOMER: Ah don't want beer with flavor like one of them pussy
Heinekens, Ah want to make Bud at home!

By this point, we were ROFL. The guy stormed out of there angry, with
his motorcycle-gang-lady with him, muttering that this was too damn
complicated and he'd just suck it up and pay for the damn Budweiser.

-kate, I swear I love Georgia sometimes (and then we went home and saw
the TV ad for RVs where a guy shoots a watermelon with a sawed-off shotgun)
--
___________________________________________________________________________
ka...@rigel.econ.uga.edu|Join the Million Geek March! http://march.tico.com
blaze.cba.uga.edu/~kate|I don't speak for UGA, group-mentors, or the Cabal.

Ernie Dunbar

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
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Chris King (ch...@csking.demon.co.uk) wrote:

[snip]

: >Me: Okay, what are you trying to do?


: >They: The same thing I always do.

: Yeah, like telepathy is part of my job specification.

<sarcasm>

No. It's obvious that they have a far more superior intellect than we do.
Very obviously they normally communicate through telepathy, and have
trouble "coming down to our level" and communicating through the inferior
notion of verbal speech; Which, as we all know, is for the philistines
and cretins.

</sarcasm>

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do I look like someone who cares | covered in hope, and vasoline
what God thinks?" | still i can't fix this broken machine
-- out of Hellraiser Bloodlines | -- NIN "gave up"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I will proofread your commercial e-mail for $100 a page.

Roy Hooper

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
to

In article <ba918...@nazca.dircon.co.uk>,
David Hobson <Da...@nazca.dircon.co.uk> wrote:

>[2] How the hell do you represent underground floors if not by -1, -2, -3... ?

B1 B2 B3 B4
U1 U2 U3 U4
P1 P2 P3 P4

Take your pick.

--
Roy Hooper rho...@freenet.carleton.ca
System Administrator, "Mom! I let my mind wander and
National Capital Freenet it didn't come back!" - Bill Waterson

erik seielstad

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
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Chris King (ch...@csking.demon.co.uk) wrote:
: My users say "sorry" a lot when they call me out. It seems that my

: predecessor was pretty nasty to them, and declared all problems to be
: impossible if not solvable instantly.

nope - that standard luser procedure. Get somebody to come do it
for them, and offer shallow "appologies" for causing such trouble.

: I keep telling people to read the Message Of The Day, but they keep


: banging a key to go past it. Well, that's not going to be the case much
: longer, 'cos I've knocked up a piece of Visual Basic to display the MOTD
: and prevent them doing anything for 30 seconds. Other apps load in the
: background, but they can't dismiss the MOTD or switch away from it for
: that time.

I'll clue you in - it won't work. They'll still ignore the message
- they'll turn on their machine, go get a cup of coffee, and come back
and click that MOTD off the screen without reading it. In fact - I'm
willing to bet that the same luser will go to the boss and say they
need a new machine because their new 100 Mhz Pentium takes too long to
boot.

-erik
--
--
er...@acs.brockport.edu | SUNY College at Brockport,
Systems Programmer/Analyst | Brockport, NY 14420-2982

Brennan Reverend Bas Underwood

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
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In article <4sjm6v$6...@inet-server.sit.fi>, KeA <k...@penti.sit.fi> wrote:
>HEUREKA! That's it, we can't kill them, but neuter them all, and the
>lusers will hopefully die out, but WWF would probably come up with a
>program for their survival...

The World Wrestling Federation?

I can hear it now... "Gotta save the Lusers, ooh YEAH!"


--Brennan
--
bre...@rt66.com | static char msg[]="Bill Gates is the Anti-christ.";
| Add this message to every program you write! I do!

Stan Kalisch III

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
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-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE-----

On 16 Jul 1996, hillary gorman wrote:

> Abby Franquemont-Guillory (abb...@tezcat.com) wrote:
> :
> : See, now what always gets me is when people tell you this angrily,

> : as if they were furious about the fact that they don't know much
> : about computers. You know, like this:
>

> Oh god. Please.
>
> Support ticket #1:
> From: luserbeyo...@netaxs.com
> To: sup...@netaxs.com
> Subject: Your modems don't work
>
> Hello. I am writing to you because your modem pool is BROKEN. I pay a lot
> of money and I don't think it is acceptable that I only connect at 9600
> or else your modems don't even ANSWER. When will this be fixed?
>
> -Luser B.T. Pale

<...>

[some of incredible saga deleted]

> Support ticket #:
> From: luserbeyo...@netaxs.com
> To: sup...@netaxs.com
> Subject: Your modems STILL don't work
>
> Look. I am not going to start going into details about my settings when
> YOU have the messed up modems! My configs worked fine til friday. I
> didn't change anything!!! The FACT is your alleged 33.6 couriers won't
> answer at more than 9600. Deal with it.
>
> ----
>
> After about 10 more of these, in which I BEGGED the luser to just let me
> know what KIND of software he had, I started forwarding everything to
> Avi, who told the guy that it was definitely on HIS end, and that he
> should send me the software settings to be checked or cancel his account.
> The guy wrote back with an "offer" to "keep the account at half price
> through september, by which time hopefully" our modem problems would be
> resolved. Avi told him that since the problem was NOT on our end, that
> was a stupid idea. After another 10 emails back and forth, I FINALLY
> found out that he was using MacPPP, he had set up another dialin number
> by copying his original prefs, but he had left the port speed at 9600.

>
> His final email to me said something like:
>
> Thank you for pointing out my error with the port speed. I have changed
> to 57,600 and now your modems work.
>
> LUSER!!!!!!!

And I felt like a luser just for screwing up cancellation messages... ;-)


Stan

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Brandon Hume

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
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Josh Tiefenbach (jtie...@uoguelph.ca) wrote:
: I dont do phone support. I have enough problems with people sticking thier heads
: over the partition and asking me questions. :)

That is, of course, why you keep a broom handy next to your desk. Its
just like the game with the gophers popping out of the panel. "Hey...
*WHACK*"

--
Brandon Hume
- hu...@ra.isisnet.com: Technical Support/System administration
- Finger for Geek codes, PGP, /dev/zero, yadda yadda.

Joe Bork

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
to

David Hobson <Da...@nazca.dircon.co.uk> wrote:
>> as well as training a "new guy" to do the day-to-day sysadmin stuff
>
>Bets on how long you'll get by without him calling you for a 'problem' ?
>

Not too long, I'm afraid. He's a cow-orker. I have hope for him, though.
I opened up the Netware 4.1 box just before I left work work, and when I
came back, he was sitting in my chair[1] reading the installation manual.
After some selective questions on my part, it appears that he has a
reasonable grasp of the information as well. It may not be as bad as I had
first imagined..

--Bork
[1] which would normally irritate me a lot, but I made an exception

Bridget Kromhout

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
to

Joe Bork <jb...@junior.wariat.org> wrote:

>You know, I was just going to ask you what was so hard about knocking on a
>1st floor window, when I noticed your UK address. Ah, yes, that explains it

</hiding>

I work on the 1st floor of the computer science building, but we have no
windows. Why? (besides the fact that some of us are allergic to the BBR...)
Well, in this building, Floor 3 is the ground level. Yep. You figure it out.
I have never seen this anywhere else.

<hiding>
--
bridget ~ ent...@acm.cs.umn.edu ~ http://acm.cs.umn.edu/~entropi

Sean B Purdy

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
to

Recently, the esteemed Chris King, ch...@csking.demon.co.uk, imparted:
~ In article <4sehdu$h...@xochi.tezcat.com>, Abby Franquemont-Guillory
~ <abb...@tezcat.com> writes

~ >Hehehe. It can be better -- do phone tech support in the middle of
~ >disaster recovery. *grin*

~ It can be - just wait for a user to scream "HEEEELLLLPPPP !" and wind
~ them up. ("You DID take a backup, didn't you ?" etc) They're cheaper
~ than pets, just as entertaining and you don't have to take 'em to the
~ vets to have them neutered.

Therein lies the nub, as they say. Can't we bump up the radiation on
those PC thingies so that they're all infertilised[1] the minute they
come within 6ft of their computer?

[1] Oh all right, "made infertile" [2]
[2] OK, so we might have to wear lead underpants, but it's a small price
and all that....

Sean
--
Sean B Purdy, system administrator se...@fastnet.co.uk
Article marked as unread

Henry W Miller

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
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Ernie Dunbar (gr...@vortex.netbistro.com) wrote:
: Abby Franquemont-Guillory (abb...@tezcat.com) wrote:

: : > I'm not cut out for this job. Thank god I'm quitting at the end of
: : >the summer. On the other hand, the job has taught me a valuable lesson.
: : >There is no amount of money that anyone can pay me to be phone tech
: : >support ever again...

: Nobody likes tech support. Some people are just better at it than others.
: I am that someone. However, I'm going to school starting this fall to
: learn to program (this job told me I can do it, and that it's pretty cool)
: so's I can be a Sysadmin. (or something)

: : Hehehe. It can be better -- do phone tech support in the middle of
: : disaster recovery. *grin*

: Disaster as in "the shit has hit the fan, all routers between here and
: california are down, and the primary server is on fire," or disaster as in
: "This is Tim Robbins[1] of the Weather channel, and I'm here where
: Hurricane Andrew is going to hit the coast of Florida..."

No, disaster as in the goverment is gonna shut us down in 4 hours if YOUR box
isn't working, and the box definatly wasn't working. Happened to my dad once,
call at 2am, better fix it by 6. This was one of the 10- largerst banks in
the US. Fortunatly at that level he was talking to clued people. I don't have
money in that bank, never have.

Mark Stapleton

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
to

In a fit of apathy, chr...@iceonline.com (Canadian) wrote:
>The second wonderful experience was setting up backups for my office and having
>*everyone* in the office -- all 5 people -- treat my docs like the Word O The
>Diety Of Your Choice. It was great. Nearly nine months later they still
>backup religiously, and daily!

Unusual. Lusers generally remember that lesson for about a week, and then,
"Oops! I got too busy to push that 'Backup to Network' button again."

--
"Money is the root of all good."
Mark (mst...@insync.net)

Ingvar Mattsson

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
to

ent...@monopoly.cs.umn.edu (Bridget Kromhout) writes:

Entropi! I see you!!!

>I work on the 1st floor of the computer science building, but we have no
>windows. Why? (besides the fact that some of us are allergic to the BBR...)
>Well, in this building, Floor 3 is the ground level. Yep. You figure it out.
>I have never seen this anywhere else.

On a former job (as SA on Södersjukhuset (a hospital in Stockholm,
Sweden)), we had our offices on the ground floor. That's what the
signs on the floor said. That's what the elevator said. You had to go
up one flight of stairs to reach the ground floor, but... ;)

The main entrance was on the Upper Cellar Floor (or something). Weird.
Totally weird.
//Ingvar (and they had computers that...)

Lamont Alan Lucas

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
to

In article <4sk38u$n...@epx.cis.umn.edu>,

Bridget Kromhout <ent...@monopoly.cs.umn.edu> wrote:
>Well, in this building, Floor 3 is the ground level. Yep. You figure it out.
>I have never seen this anywhere else.

HA! You ought to come to UT. A full 25% of our campus is underground.
Our main math/physics building (18 stories or so) has the 4th floor as
ground level. My office is on the 5th floor, in the old graphics lab,
so we have no windows, and heavy tinting on our 8 inch by 8 inch portal
to the hallway. The more senior admin got to move across the hall where
he gets two arrow-slit windows by his desk. We have the ugliest
building on campus, and by damn, we're proud of it.

Oddly enough, I'm getting a tan somehow. Must be some odd effect of the
florescensents and my 20 inch monitor. I bet the contrast is up to
high.

I thought about getting a plant or something for my desk, but decided
that my monitor would cause it to mutate into something dangerous.
(then again, if it was something dangerous, I could put it near the
corner of my desk near the door. Maybe I could train it to react to the
word "install" ie:

EEstudent: Hi, I'm trying to run a 452342334x8999423423 element matrix
using some software written by dyslexic gerbils on our poor beleagured
solaris machine that is already overloaded by 1000 students attemping to
start up pine and netscape at the same time, and I was wondering if you
could help me by moving the software over to our hideously insecure HP
stations with the desktop that only the idiot savant's among us know how
to use with any regularity.

Me: (after typing and ignoring them for 2 minutes) Oh, let me help you,
Seymore! Install! (pointing)

Seymore: (tendrils lash out to the EEstudent, dashing glasses from his
face and simultaniously pressing multiple buttons on his watch)

EEstudent: Aieeee! I can't see! and my watch is beeping, (attempts to
bring watch close enough to face to see it, manages to knock himself
out)

Me: Good Seymore. (tosses him a defective pentium chip to snack on)

Then again, maybe I've been inside to long. Speaking as a species, do
we still exist as carbon-based O2 breathing lifeforms? Did we evolve
since I've been in here?


--
Lamont Lucas -- ECE Junior -- The University of Texas

Stephan Neuhaus

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
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What was it that Mark Brady <mark....@connectcorp.com> wrote
in <31ED1C...@connectcorp.com>? Ah, yes:

> (2) Danstar's Second Law - The amount of complaining is inversely proportional
> to the seriousness of the problem.

It works the other way, too. We had one of our major servers
fail, and it took the lusers three hours to notice that something
was wrong...

Stephan
--
To err is human; to really fuck things up requires the root password

Al Castanoli

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
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Sean B Purdy (se...@fastnet.co.uk) wrote:

[...]

: Therein lies the nub, as they say. Can't we bump up the radiation

: on those PC thingies so that they're all infertilised[1] the minute
: they come within 6ft of their computer?

: [1] Oh all right, "made infertile" [2]

Here we disagree - you see those PC thingies as infertilizers and
I see them as fertilizer. If the lusers want to poke their fingers
in fertilizer, why on earth don't they comprehend gigo? Should we
start saying siso so they'll understand?

--
Al Castanoli | afc...@texas.net | afn2...@afn.org
| ah...@rgfn.epcc.edu | <insert standard disclaimers>
"Computers save time like kudzu prevents soil erosion."

Joe Zeff

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
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gr...@vortex.netbistro.com (Ernie Dunbar) wrote:
>: > I'm not cut out for this job. Thank god I'm quitting at the end of
>: >the summer. On the other hand, the job has taught me a valuable lesson.
>: >There is no amount of money that anyone can pay me to be phone tech
>: >support ever again...

>Nobody likes tech support. Some people are just better at it than others.
>I am that someone. However, I'm going to school starting this fall to
>learn to program (this job told me I can do it, and that it's pretty cool)
>so's I can be a Sysadmin.

What I trained for is programmer. (I've done it a few times. When the
funding ran out at my last programming job, they *really* wanted to
keep me.) What I'm doing is phone tech support. Now that you've done
it too, remember what it's like next time you *call* for support! If
you ever forget, LART youself!
------------------------------------------------------------
Joe Zeff Earthlink Network
jo...@earthlink.net Senior Tech Support
(800) 395-8410 Extension 2615
"The only problem with troubleshooting is that
sometimes trouble shoots back."
------------------------------------------------------------


Joe Zeff

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
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ir...@lmsc.lockheed.com (Tim Irvin) wrote:

>Sometimes I think our users are clueless, as all sysadmins do, but at
>least I'm not at a university or an ISP. That would have to be BOFH
>Hell for anyone who tires of dealing with clueless lusers.

We have (basically) two types of techs here. The regular ones that
take random callers and the senior techs that return calls, fight
fires and take the callers nobody else can help. One nice thing about
being a senior is you don't have as many lusers/idiots blithering at
you. (The real bad ones never figure out how to leave a message.)

Elliot Smorodinsky

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96
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In article <4sk38u$n...@epx.cis.umn.edu>,
Bridget Kromhout <ent...@monopoly.cs.umn.edu> wrote:
>Joe Bork <jb...@junior.wariat.org> wrote:
>
>>You know, I was just going to ask you what was so hard about knocking on a
>>1st floor window, when I noticed your UK address. Ah, yes, that explains it
>
></hiding>
>
>I work on the 1st floor of the computer science building, but we have no
>windows. Why? (besides the fact that some of us are allergic to the BBR...)
>Well, in this building, Floor 3 is the ground level. Yep. You figure it out.
>I have never seen this anywhere else.

In Carnegie-Mellon University's Wein Hall, floor 5 is the ground
level. The building is built into the side of this really steep hill, you
see -- so what's the ground floor on one side is 5 stories above ground
on the other.


--
Elliot Smorodinsky val...@panix.com

Mark Brady

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Jul 18, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/18/96