Excessive Pressure From Wife
darryl
my life. My wife is trying to force me to have a vasectomy against my
will and it's really pissing me off.
A bit of background, we've got 3 lovely kids and current method of
contraception - rubbers. I don't mind too much, although it would be
better without, natch. My wife was recommended the merina coil by her
doctor because of heavy periods and the bonus is the contraception it
offers. This was a few months ago and she still hasn't had it
inserted. At first it was because her period had already finished
(you've got to have them inserted during the period). She also didn't
like the doctor doing it, she thought he looked like a "dirty old
man". Fair enough, we arranged for me to be there the next time, but
again, she wasn't able to get an appointment during her period.
But recently during our "discussions" (rows) about me having a
vasectomy she has told me she doesn't want the coil cecause she
doesn't want to get cancer and doesn't get heavy periods any more. It
sounds a bit dubious, but I'm certainly not going to force her, or
even pressure her to doing something she doesn't want to, even if her
decision is based on faulty logic. I also think she's using it as a
sort of bargaining chip - "if you won't have a vasectomy, I won't have
the coil". And I'm not convinced that if I did have the vasectomy she
wouldn't go and get the coil inserted for her heavy periods anyway.
Now you may think my logic is faulty too, but I don't want to have a
vasectomy. Reasons I have given to my wife are that I have spoken to 2
friends who have had it and they both strongly advise me not to do it
as they have had complications and "things are not the same". I
(rightly or wrongly) would feel less manly shooting blanks and,
finally have told my wife that if something were to happen in our
marriage - we split up or she dies I'd still like to have the
opportunity to father kids (I'm 39 By the way). I'm happy to continue
with condoms if needs be.
This last bit was probably the one causing most of the trouble, but I
felt I ought to be honest. Apart from this vasectomy issue the
marriage, I would say is good.
My wife's previous husband ran off with another woman and had a child
by her and I think my wife wants me to have the snip, not for
contraceptive reasons, but to stop me doing the same. I've no
intention of doing this at all.
This is the one issue that is weakening the marriage and has the
potential to wreck it. My wife is not very well informed and doesn't
understand that it isn't right to force someone into an operation they
don't want to have. She occasionally brings it up in company like "I'm
still trying to persuade Darryl to get the snip" etc...
Apologies for long post. But what should I do? I don't want the
marriage to be wrecked by this.
Goof
"darryl" <renw...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:b9a2da99.04070...@posting.google.com...
Firstly, don't do it for the wrong reasons.
Don't do it if you're not both in agreement.
Sort those out and then start on the "does it hurt" thread!
Good luck.
trifold
renw...@yahoo.com (darryl) wrote in message news:<b9a2da99.04070...@posting.google.com>...
> This is the one issue that is weakening the marriage and has the
> potential to wreck it. My wife is not very well informed and doesn't
> understand that it isn't right to force someone into an operation they
> don't want to have. She occasionally brings it up in company like "I'm
> still trying to persuade Darryl to get the snip" etc...
>
> Apologies for long post. But what should I do? I don't want the
> marriage to be wrecked by this.
First off, don't get the snip. You are perfectly right that no one
has the right to force you into having a vasectomy. Studies show that
men forced into vasectomies often don't like being vasectomised.
(What a surprise!) If you don't mind using rubbers, why get it done?
(At the same time, though, recognize you have no right to put pressure
on your wife--even subtle pressure--to start using the IUD.)
As for dealing with your marriage issues, maybe the main thing is to
reassure your wife of all the things you included in the post--that
you love her and your family with her. It sounds as if the heart of
her insistence on vasectomy may be psychological, a lingering fear
that you will treat her the same way as her former husband, and her
understanding that your continued fertility makes this possible. (I
wonder if many women harbor a fear of male fertility, since ours goes
on forever, and theirs disappears with menopause?)
You could also tell her what you told us: that you are worried about
possible complications, especially given what your friends have told
you. Lay off talking about the catastrophe issue--if the marriage
should breakdown or she and all your children should die, etc. And
stop saying you won't feel like a real man if you are shooting
blanks--that may just confirm her in her sense that you are thinking
about making more babies somewhere else. Finally, lay off talking
about the IUD thing. She may think you are saying sex with her isn't
as good as it could be if you didn't have to use rubbers. This would
only confirm her fears. Tell her you love sex with her just as it is.
Have more of it!
If you're really desperate and your back is to the wall, you could say
you realize that your fear of vasectomy is a little irrational. Maybe
she will respect this more than arguments based on logic. (BTW, I
also think you are within your rights to ask her to stop talking to
friends about your bc issues. But if she keeps bringing it up, just
laugh sheepishly and admit you're a whus. Women know most men are.
And most of your guy friends will agree. Don't make a big deal of
it.)
I hope others here have some advice. But you might also want to post
this query to alt.support. marriage.
Good luck,
Mike_C
Simple advice, DO NOT GIVE IN. I did, and will regret the decision
the rest of my life. I've had the oh so rare "complications", pretty
much constant pain/discomfort for 15 months now. Sometimes not that
bad, sometimes pretty bad. Probably lucky if I have averaged 3-4 hours
sleep per night since I've had it done.
Some people have had no problems, good for them. But the risks are
not worth it IMO, especially if you have one iota of doubt or are
getting pressured.
ROB
Darryl,
My advice to you is to go see a therapist, alone at first, then with
your wife. The issue caused one of my best friends his marriage and
I'd rather not see you head down this path.
A vasectomy isn't for everyone and definitely not for you. Some
people are under the mistaken impression that getting a vasectomy is
like neutering a dog in that it will keep him from "wandering"
All good medicine,
GREENFEATHER
David
> A bit of background, we've got 3 lovely kids and current method of
> contraception - rubbers. I don't mind too much, although it would be
> better without, natch. My wife was recommended the merina coil by her
> doctor because of heavy periods and the bonus is the contraception it
> offers.
Basically, I go along with the other contributors here - don't get it done
unless you are certain it's what you want.
FWIW, my wife had one inserted for heavy, irregular periods a couple of
years after I had my vasectomy, and in her case it certainly helped a great
deal.
> But recently during our "discussions" (rows) about me having a
> vasectomy she has told me she doesn't want the coil cecause she
> doesn't want to get cancer and doesn't get heavy periods any more.
I'd suggest that if she's been having heavy periods for a while, then it's
unlikely that they would suddenly change. Sounds like the timing of this
"change" and her wanting you to have a vasectomy are not totally unrelated.
> I also think she's using it as a
> sort of bargaining chip - "if you won't have a vasectomy, I won't have
> the coil". And I'm not convinced that if I did have the vasectomy she
> wouldn't go and get the coil inserted for her heavy periods anyway.
Sounds about right.
>
> Now you may think my logic is faulty too, but I don't want to have a
> vasectomy. Reasons I have given to my wife are that I have spoken to 2
> friends who have had it and they both strongly advise me not to do it
> as they have had complications and "things are not the same". I
> (rightly or wrongly) would feel less manly shooting blanks and,
> finally have told my wife that if something were to happen in our
> marriage - we split up or she dies I'd still like to have the
> opportunity to father kids (I'm 39 By the way). I'm happy to continue
> with condoms if needs be.
Well, a sample of two men isn't that representative to be honest, and there
are many, many men who will testify that shooting blanks does not have any
effect on them phsycologically. In fact, the studies into satisfaction with
vasectomy show a very close relationship between satisfaction with the
procedure, and satisfaction with the decision. IE those who are 100% happy
with the decision, are the most satisfied of all. But it is something we all
worried about before we were snipped.
The other reasons you give are sound reasons for not going ahead with it
until these doubts are resolved.
>
> This last bit was probably the one causing most of the trouble, but I
> felt I ought to be honest. Apart from this vasectomy issue the
> marriage, I would say is good.
Your wife should recognise that these are valid causes of concern for you,
and her. If the worst happened, would she want to retain the option of
having further kids by you?
>
> My wife's previous husband ran off with another woman and had a child
> by her and I think my wife wants me to have the snip, not for
> contraceptive reasons, but to stop me doing the same. I've no
> intention of doing this at all.
How would it stop this, and isn't there a flip side to the coin she hasn't
thought about? If you were to run off with another woman and wanted further
kids with her, then you could have it reversed and do just that. If there
are trust issues, then you having the snip isn't going to help. What's to
stop you screwing around with no likelihood of kids appearing unexpectedly?
Childfree couples will sometimes both get sterilised - then they are both
level and they both have to trust each other equally.
>
> This is the one issue that is weakening the marriage and has the
> potential to wreck it. My wife is not very well informed and doesn't
> understand that it isn't right to force someone into an operation they
> don't want to have. She occasionally brings it up in company like "I'm
> still trying to persuade Darryl to get the snip" etc...
How does she think that publicly discussing it in this way is more likely to
persuade you to get it done? Sounds like it's having the exact opposite
effect to me!
>
> Apologies for long post. But what should I do? I don't want the
> marriage to be wrecked by this.
It does sound to me like there is an element of you not wanting to do it
because she is pressuring you. It may be that if the pressure was off, you'd
be happy to consider it more favourably.
Firstly, I'd tell her that whilst the pressure is on, then you aren't able
to think clearly about it. You might need to make a bargain with her that
involves you giving it serious thought, as it may possibly be the right
choice for you, but certainly not with this sort of pressure. If she can lay
off the pressure, then you can think it through better. If ultimately you
get time to think, and you then don't want to do it then that is something
you both need to face later on.
You need time and space to consider it without pressure, and she needs to
realise this. She also needs to understand that her present strategy is
counter productive.
David
www.vasectomy-information.com
darryl
There is plenty of good advice and stuff to think about and I'm
certainly not rushing in to getting a vasectomy unless I'm 100% sure
and so long as the wife nags me, it ain't getting done.
anita
Opinion from a female here; don't do it! My husband had it done and
has intermittent pain and feelings of decreased sensation during
lovemaking. Our situation was we had an unplanned pregnancy and the
vasectomy was a spur of the minute thing during marital turmoil. I
agree with all the other posters who have said that if it is not a
100% thing on both partners part then it should not be done at all.
There are so many other birth control options available for your wife
she should just sit down with her gyn and discuss them and her
concerns. Like you said even if you were to have a vasectomy it would
not change her periods and she would probably end up doing something
herself anyway.
Anita
trifold
>I
> agree with all the other posters who have said that if it is not a
> 100% thing on both partners part then it should not be done at all.
Well, I don't know about that. It seems to me a man has a right to a
vasectomy if he wants one. Of course, what his wife might do as a
result of his choice is something he should consider very carefully
before acting.
anita
I agree that a man has a right to a vasectomy if he wants one, but if
he is in a committed relationship/marriage etc. then he should discuss
this option with his partner as it will affect their relationship
also. In this instance the wife is pressuring the husband for a
vasectomy in which no one should be pressured to have any type of
surgery done to their body without wanting it done theirself.
Ferdinand
and your wife has become emotionally charged, perhaps something of a
power struggle. The same thing happened with me. I hated the idea of
getting a vas; considered the whole thing a bit emasculating and
humilating. My wife and I backed away from the discussion a bit and
finally really anilized our objectives. In a rational discussion for
us - we wanted no more kids, pregnancy for her would be risky - we
decided that something permanent was the best solution. Analysis of
the various options led us to the conclusion that a vas was the most
logical option. It wasn't fun; glad that it's over with. I disliked
the experience. Once done, I can't tell that anything ever happened,
and I've been looking hard for any changes. My wife, like yours,
occasionally brought this subject up with others. This pissed me off
to no end. It's nobody's business but yours, IMHO. My wife agreed to
never tell anyone that I had had it done. I'm comfortable with this.
According to one source that I looked at, half of those that get a vas
never tell anyone. For whatever reasons, I don't want anyone to know
that I did. My wife respected what she considered to be an irrational
wish, and I went ahead with the op. Bottom line; back away from the
discussion and try to approach it from a more logical and analytical
approach. Acknowledge that if a vas is the logical thing to do, then
you'll do it.
Synx13
> Sadly, some women feel they have exclusive
> rights to some concepts (which also include child care for those
> other than their own
Y'know, there is a difference between taking on an obligation and
taking off an obligation. Forcing someone into an obligation (such as
having/raising/releasing a child) is bad. Forcing someone out of an
obligation (disallowing someone from having/raising/releasing a
(fourth) child) isn't necessarily bad. And another thing you don't
address is that a marriage, or any partnership, is an agreement that
both sides will have a say in things that affect each other.
By your reasoning, the answer is obvious. She shouldn't be able to
force him into getting a vasectomy, and he shouldn't be able to force
her to risk getting pregnant with an unwanted child. Therefore, he
should avoid the operation; she should find someone less needing of
the ego boost of being fertile to have sex with.
Condoms are about 86% effective... so if she's okay with that it's
fine. Between that and birth control pills, there's little chance of
pregnancy. But vasectomy is 99.9% effective, so would certainly
alleviate her concern about popping out #4. She has every right to
tell him to stop having sex with her if he won't vasectomize, although
I can't say that would make the marriage very healthy. ;)
Steve and Lisa
>
> Condoms are about 86% effective... so if she's okay with that it's
> fine. Between that and birth control pills, there's little chance of
> pregnancy. But vasectomy is 99.9% effective, so would certainly
> alleviate her concern about popping out #4. She has every right to
> tell him to stop having sex with her if he won't vasectomize, although
> I can't say that would make the marriage very healthy. ;)
And if he draws the pvp wild card after being forced into a vasectomy,
the marriage will be completely destroyed.....