Am I being a jerk
Jake D
to admit that I am not into surgical procedures period, and that some of
the horror stories on this site haven't helped alleviate my concerns.
What I haven't shared with my wife is the "psychological" aspect. I
have a hard time believing she is the same lady who was so concerned
about my sperm factories that she bought me a cup for softball even
before we were married. During sex she treated them like they were her
trophies.
Now it seems their services are no longer needed, and need to be done
away with. At the risk of sounding insecure, I have to ask what's next.
When the kids are grown and she doesn't need my paycheck, will I be
totally disposable?
Should I dare share this concern with her?
Giraud
you, in fact) to feel that their services (i.e. the *sperm*) are no
longer needed. That's OK, right? I doubt it's your balls that she
feels "need to be done away with." Remember that they do more than
produce sperm - they also produce hormones, and this does not change. A
vasectomy is not castration.
A vasectomy allows you to value the other aspects of sex. So unless she
shows no interest in sex now that its procreating role is over, I doubt
you have to worry about this. Do you have reason to think your wife had
only viewed you as a sperm donor? I have heard of men feeling this way
- not a good way to feel, I'm sure.
But this does raise good questions, and there have been men who found
that losing fertility was really hard or impossible to deal with. If
you are one, then you could have trouble accepting a vasectomy.
-Giraud
Steve
then decided to get it done w/o discussing it w/ her. She was
thrilled. I went into it w/ a lot of anxiety. Everything was OK the
first month or so, then I developed PVP that only went away 2.5 yrs
later after a reversal. The debilitating pain, my anger at the uros
that assured me that this couldn't happen, and was all in my head, and
some indirect anger at my wife almost destroyed our marriage. Get a
vasectomy for your reasons, at your decision.
My 2 cents worth - take it as you will!
Steve
Bruce L.
think it's called?
Why did this happen?
oldsport
vas. In my case it was almost entirely my own idea. My wife and I are
childless. I am very confident I don't want children but she wasn't
100% certain. As a compromise I froze enough vials of sperm to produce
a whole family and went ahead with the vas. Since the decision in my
case, was more mine than hers. I worried she would see me as
emasculated, and somehow desire men with their sperm intact more than
me. I'm only a few weeks post vas, but this hasn't been the case at
all, and my wife is very supportive. It' puts my mind at ease knowing
those vials are there and that I have an exit strategy if I did change
my mind and we wanted kids. Granted IVF is not as effective as mother
nature intended but it is better than nothing and the pyschological
relief is worth the cost. It's definitely something you have to go into
wanting though. Because if you do end up with complications there will
be a lot of bitterness. I recommend not telling anyone but your wife to
avoid feelings of insecurity. I did tell one friend and regret doing
even that. However he's been kind enough not to share it with anyone
else.
Luan
(he died 10 years ago) He met my sister after he had 2 children with his
first wife and he wanted no more (he was Japanese and my sister and I are
Norwegians.) He was 17 years older and they were together about 25 years
before he died of heart attack. She had to use birth control during her
whole time with him and that included an abortion and the dalkon shield
IUD disaster and pills which were not near as good as the pills today and
so on. She had some problems. He did thousands of vasectomies on other
men, he surely knew the outcome and the risks - and he surely loved her
too!! They were a very happy couple and she and our whole famliy miss him
a lot. I strongly regret not asking him more about vasectomy while he was
living, but for whatever reason he knew it was not for him! If you have
serious doubts for Gods sake don't do it. I can tell you about the
adjustment I went through knowing I was sterile - or suspectinbg actually
because I have not been tested and don't want to be. I tell my
girlfriends if they want to know they can get a sample from me and go have
it tested - but don't tell me! Just take whatever action you wish but if
you tell me.... So far they trust the operation and have not done
testing. So far nobody is pregnant. I am 58 and really don't want babies
myself but I am also single (divorced). I was planning to consider
marriage and had asked my Chinese girlfriend (44) to marry me 2 years ago
but with the complications I am having now I am not planning anything.
Until I am over this mess I am not going to even see The Love Of My life
again. In my strong opinion you are not a jerk at all... You best stay
the way you are and someday your wife will be very happy you followed your
gut feelings. This is a final decision - you will live with whatever
happens and if you go through with it I sincerely Hope you have good luck
but if things go wrong and I am here to tell you it is not anywhere near
100% safe, it will change you, and if it was not your idea then you may
resent forever the those who encouraged you. Luan
Giraud
I am curious: why do you not want to know? And what "if she told you?"
I can guess that you think it would upset you to *know*. Is this the
reason? It seems to me that not knowing would prevent any chance of
closure on any issues you have. I do not mean to pry, but since you
brought it up, I am curious.
Giraud
partyoffive
>From my point of view it sounds like there are already some "issues"
with intimacy post children in your relationship. Please do not
compound the problems by having a surgery that you both are not 100%
sure about.
A.
Steve
the reversal section (also under long-term problems section, I think),
titled "Steve and Lisa"
I experienced several different types of pain: congestive
epididymitis, painful granulomas, and pain related to my body's
autoimmune response to the sperm leakages from my reproductive system.
I also found that ejaculation was much less pleasureable than before
the vas (which thankfully returned after the reversal!).
I'm the wrong one to be talking to if you're looking for reasons to
have a vas!
;^)
Steve
Bruce L.
experienced a "blowout" 6 days later within seconds of ejaculating. It
took 7 miserable weeks to get back to normal, and I didn't think I ever
would. Very depressing. I've been ok for about 5 weeks now.
I read you and your wife's entire story, interesting. I thought *I* had
it rough. I find it very strange that nobody -- the V-doc nor my family
doc who recommended him -- EVER mentioned ANYTHING about any type of
possible problems. I thought it was as harmless as cutting my
fingernails. I've had about 25 pain-free ejaculations since the bad one
and I'm hoping I'll be ok, although the V-doc said I could have another
blowout at any time in the future. It's a great thing to have on your
mind when you're on top of your woman, and about to climax.
Could you comment on what kind of pain you had because of sperm leakage?
Was it a burning sensation on your thigh? (lymph node). That's one type
of "discomfort" I had during the 7 weeks, and asked about it here but no
one ever responded.
Mark
and least painful way. I had the same feelings about the thought of it
and felt very sick thinking about the procedure.
You need to deceide what you want to do. If you don't and you have some
side effects or extended discomfort, then you'll hold it against her.
It's not right for one person to want the other person to perform a
surgical procedure on themselves.
For me, I felt if my wife left me, I would not want any more children.
(Actually the thought of being single w. a V is interesting). Plus
watching her go through the entire child birth process twice, from the
1st trimester sickness, to the weight gain to the delivery...a few
weeks of discomfort was probably the least I could do.
Good luck in your decision.
Mark
Steve
leakage? "
Difficult question to answer, Bruce... I had different types of pain -
sometimes at different times, sometimes not - it was difficult then to
understand what was going on, and what pain was related to what issue -
especially at first when I knew nothing and had no resources (found
this site, and Kevin Hauber's site - www.dontfixit.org , about 1 1/2
yrs after the vas)....
I believe, based on my experience and my conversations with my doctor,
and what I think I learned was his opinion, that I had several types of
pain related to sperm leakage:
* painful granulomas. Granulomas formed almost immediately after the
vas, and they were very painful for me. I just never touched myself
'there' and dreaded visits to the uro. A gentle examination would
inevitably send me through the ceiling, and start an almost
debilitating cycle of pain that lasted a week or so. the thought of
doing a self-examination for testicular cancer was laughable - I
decided that I'd prolly die of testicular cancer because I couldn't
imagine examining my testicles that thoroughly.... the intensity of
pain from the granuloma varied, but was pretty constant. When I wasn't
hurting, I didn't want to touch myself because I didn't want it to
start hurting again... This was generally more of an acute pain - not
a generalized ache.
* pain from my body's autoimmune response to sperm leakage. I was
always sore throughout my testicles and scrotum. This was a
generalized ache that was difficult to pin down. Was sometimes present
when I was having problems with congestive epididymitis, also present
when the congestive epididymitis wasn't that big an issue. This one
puzzled me - my uro actually brought up the idea that it was related to
autoimmune response issues, which seemed to make sense.....was more of
an ache that a burning sensation - prolly different from what you
experienced on your thigh....
* 'blow-out' pain. I wouldn't really characterize this as from sperm
leakage. At times the epididymis on each testicle swelled to the size
of the testicle... Think 'blue balls' taken exponentially... This
would generally lead to an attempt at relieving the pressure through
sex - which of course didn't work, because the outlets had been cut and
tied off. A few times, the epididymides seem to have taken all they
could and simply had a blow out.... Fortunately, it only happened to
me 2 or 3 times - always during sex. It felt like someone jabbed an
ice pick into the scrotum - shudder - haven't thought about that for a
while - a good one to forget!
I hope all is better for you - fortunately the reversal made almost all
of this simply bad memories for me.....
Steve
Bruce L.
> Difficult question to answer, Bruce... I had different types of pain -
> sometimes at different times, sometimes not - it was difficult then to
> understand what was going on, and what pain was related to what issue -
> especially at first when I knew nothing and had no resources (found
> this site, and Kevin Hauber's site - www.dontfixit.org , about 1 1/2
> yrs after the vas)....
<SNIP>
> I hope all is better for you - fortunately the reversal made almost all
> of this simply bad memories for me.....
>
> Steve
Steve: Thanks for your detailed answers. I appreciate your time and
effort.
Retro
3316.bay.webtv.net:
> The wife has been after me to get the snip for over a year now. I got
> to admit that I am not into surgical procedures period, and that some of
> the horror stories on this site haven't helped alleviate my concerns.
Yea, there are some bad horror stories out there... on the other hand,
many vasectomies go 100% well...
> What I haven't shared with my wife is the "psychological" aspect. I
> have a hard time believing she is the same lady who was so concerned
> about my sperm factories that she bought me a cup for softball even
> before we were married. During sex she treated them like they were her
> trophies.
>
> Now it seems their services are no longer needed, and need to be done
> away with.
I would disagree -- your wife wants your bod, still. She just doesn't
want the bother of birth control. It doesn't sound as if she's going
off sex? You, on the other hand, seem to feel that being fertile is
important. And it seems to be an issue for some men. As other posters
have also said, it's your decision. Can you live with the idea of
being sterile?
Retro
Ugly
Your story is sad, and I can understand your point of view. I can't offer any real help
here but your first statement bothers me : "The wife has been after me to get the snip for
over a year now." What I have generally heard is that if it is not YOUR idea then don't
do it. If you don't feel comfortable with it for ANY reason then don't do it. I could be
blunt and tell her to get her own procedure done, but maybe both of you talking to a
doctor or counselor or someone like that may be helpful to understand what each other
needs, wants, and how to best resolve it. I wish you luck, and please don't get bullied
into something you aren't prepared to do.
-Sean
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Shooting blanks since May 2003 \ _/__
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EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE AN IDIOT
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