biomom's stuff
StepMom of 2
I have a really good relationship with my Sd's mom and I still get this very
same reaction from SD. I'm not sure what it is, but I can honestly say I
don't believe it's you at all.
Lynn (who has no advice on this but knows your *hurt*)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation
with the bricks that others throw at him or her.
David Brinkley
Sian Lee Reid wrote in message ...
>Okay, I'm back for another reality check...
>
>Biomom is very liberal about letting SD's stuff from her house travel with
>SD. Okay, I can see the advantages to that for SD; I'm also very
>attached to my 'stuff' and I hate having to be without it. I'm trying to
>be fine with this.
>
>But it drives me nuts.
>
>It drives me nuts, when I make the effort to take SD shopping and have her
>pick out things she likes and spend the money on them so that she will
>have them for our house, to have her bring pyjamas from her mom's. "I
>like the ones from my mom's better."
>
>She asked for a CD player for Christmas this year. We bought her one. So
>did mom. She brought the one from her mom's with her and set it up here
>for the rest of the holiday, ignoring the one we had given her. "I like
>the one my mom bought me."
>
>She brings pillows and nail polish and hair stuff... all of which I have
>bought her when she's expressed interest in them. I'm starting to wonder
>why I even bother, when all the thanks I seem to get is 'my mom's is
>better.'
>
>Erin, Anne, is this one of those big 'back off and only do the things I
>won't bloody well resent when they're thrown back in my face like this'
>signals? Or am I just being a completely unreasonable bitch, sick and
>tired of feeling as though I am in constant competition with a woman who
>won't even talk to me, let alone cosider my feelings on this? (Really,
>there are days I believe she puts SD up to this just to make me crazy, but
>I'm pretty sure that one is paranoia talking.)
>
>I just don't seem to be able to put this into perspective...
>
>Sian
>
Sian Lee Reid
Anne Robotti
>
> Erin, Anne, is this one of those big 'back off and only do the things I
> won't bloody well resent when they're thrown back in my face like this'
> signals? Or am I just being a completely unreasonable bitch, sick and
> tired of feeling as though I am in constant competition with a woman who
> won't even talk to me, let alone cosider my feelings on this? (Really,
> there are days I believe she puts SD up to this just to make me crazy, but
> I'm pretty sure that one is paranoia talking.)
Sian, I don't think this is paranoia talking at all! (to start with the
last sentence first, and work backward.) Why *else* would this kid be
doing this? About one or two things, sure. But to have you buy something,
over and over, just so she can make a point about how much better her Mom's
is? I smell a deeper issue. As in a "my Mom was a better wife to my Dad"
sort of issue.
Personally, I don't think it *matters* if you're being a completely un-
reasonable bitch. Your feelings are your feelings. And I can totally
understand why you feel the way you do. And yeah, I'd DEFINITELY be
fielding all requests for stuff with a "Go ask Dad." for a while. And
I'd also be honest with her about why! Sometimes I think we're so afraid
to let our guard down with our stepkids that we forget they're people
too. What would be wrong with saying, "You know, it really hurts my
feelings that you keep saying that the jeans we picked out together
aren't as nice as Mom's. They may not be, but I spent a lot of time with
you and we had a lot of fun picking them out, and I feel like you're
saying that doesn't mean anything to you." And what's the worst that
could happen? She could repeat it to BM? Fuck BM. (Yes, I know, Merry
Christmas to all and we're starting again.) :D She already hates you,
and she might have a chuckle at your expense. But if she cares about
*HER DAUGHTER* she should care what kind of person she's turning into
that would treat anybody this way. And if she doesn't, whose problem is
that?
Anne
Sarai
And what's the worst that
>could happen? She could repeat it to BM? Fuck BM. (Yes, I know, Merry
>Christmas to all and we're starting again.) :D
LOL! The professor is on a roll again......
Heather M.
Marie
you get her duplicate gifts if she is allowed to bring those from her other
home?
To many NCP have to spend $ on duplicate items because CP won't allow items to
travel from one home to the other. Why not take advantage of this in your
case, and either get the child something she doesn't have, or by bonds for
college? Why perpetuate the competitive feelings in the child or yourself?
Seems like it just leads to hard feelings.
This is not to say that if you bought the child something different - that
there will not be the comments that I like BM's gift better, but the
comparison's will not be so direct or necessarilly obvious to the child as
receiving duplicate items.
If BM of DH is asking about "which gift you like better", or even if your just
asking them to tell you how much they like a gift you gave them, they may feel
you are asking them to voice favoritism towards one parent (whether or not that
is your intent).
jane lawrence
>
> Okay, I'm back for another reality check...
>
> Biomom is very liberal about letting SD's stuff from her house travel with
> SD. Okay, I can see the advantages to that for SD; I'm also very
> attached to my 'stuff' and I hate having to be without it. I'm trying to
> be fine with this.
>
> But it drives me nuts.
>
> It drives me nuts, when I make the effort to take SD shopping and have her
> pick out things she likes and spend the money on them so that she will
> have them for our house, to have her bring pyjamas from her mom's. "I
> like the ones from my mom's better."
>
> She asked for a CD player for Christmas this year. We bought her one. So
> did mom. She brought the one from her mom's with her and set it up here
> for the rest of the holiday, ignoring the one we had given her. "I like
> the one my mom bought me."
>
> She brings pillows and nail polish and hair stuff... all of which I have
> bought her when she's expressed interest in them. I'm starting to wonder
> why I even bother, when all the thanks I seem to get is 'my mom's is
> better.'
>
> won't bloody well resent when they're thrown back in my face like this'
> signals? Or am I just being a completely unreasonable bitch, sick and
> tired of feeling as though I am in constant competition with a woman who
> won't even talk to me, let alone cosider my feelings on this? (Really,
> there are days I believe she puts SD up to this just to make me crazy, but
> I'm pretty sure that one is paranoia talking.)
>
>
> Sian
Don't hate me. If I were BM, I wouldn't be able to support you
in this. If my ex's SO told me that she didn't want BD to bring
her stuff to their house, I'd think it was weird. I don't think
it's any of my business what BD brings to their house (with the
exception of the animals). Maybe I could back her up about a
specific annoying thing, like a Bop-It. But if you're talking
about the kid not bringing all her "stuff," I'd have to stay out
of it. I want my kid to be considerate and everything, but of
course she wants to bring the stuff she likes with her. Hell,
she carts a ridiculous amount of stuff to school with her for no
reason that I can see.
I can tell you what would have an effect on my child. If her
father told her not to bring anything with her, she would cut
down to her absolute favorites. If they told her that they
liked buying her things and seeing her using them, she might
oblige to some extent to please them. But nothing on this earth
could convince her to go to her father's without her currently
favorite pajamas, nail polish, moisturizer, and jeans. Please
keep in mind that BD has absolutely no wish to throw anything in
anyone's face, either.
Don't hate me again. Why the hell are you in competition over
this anyway? This can't be about who's the best jeans,
toiletry, and nail polish buyer. That's not who you are.
Buying better stuff isn't how you define your role in the kid's
life. If you're thinking that you just want SD to say once that
you bought something better than her BM, you've got to get over
it. If it's in her head that it's being loyal to BM to say that
all the crap she buys is better, then you've just got to let the
kid have that. Kids get these ideas. With luck they grow out
of them. You don't want to buy into it, though.
jane
Anne Robotti
>
> But if you're talking
> about the kid not bringing all her "stuff," I'd have to stay out
> of it. I want my kid to be considerate and everything, but of
> course she wants to bring the stuff she likes with her. Hell,
> she carts a ridiculous amount of stuff to school with her for no
> reason that I can see.
But this kid *isn't* being considerate. She's being a regular
little bitch. And I'm sorry, but it shouldn't be allowed. I think
the most *inconsiderate* thing you can do is tell somebody that
you got a better gift from somebody else! On that level, it's just
a point of manners. It's not the stuff. It's the attitude that needs
to be nipped in the bud. And where's the DH when the SD is completely
disregarding Sian's feelings like this?!
>
> I can tell you what would have an effect on my child. If her
> father told her not to bring anything with her, she would cut
> down to her absolute favorites. If they told her that they
> liked buying her things and seeing her using them, she might
> oblige to some extent to please them. But nothing on this earth
> could convince her to go to her father's without her currently
> favorite pajamas, nail polish, moisturizer, and jeans. Please
> keep in mind that BD has absolutely no wish to throw anything in
> anyone's face, either.
Right, but your BD doesn't go there and say, "I'm not wearing the
brand new pajamas we just shopped for for two hours because my Mom's
are better. So is my nail polish and my shampoo and my lip gloss and
my clothes." This kid has a point to make, and somebody should find
out what it is.
>
> Don't hate me again. Why the hell are you in competition over
> this anyway? This can't be about who's the best jeans,
> toiletry, and nail polish buyer. That's not who you are.
> Buying better stuff isn't how you define your role in the kid's
> life. If you're thinking that you just want SD to say once that
> you bought something better than her BM, you've got to get over
> it. If it's in her head that it's being loyal to BM to say that
> all the crap she buys is better, then you've just got to let the
> kid have that. Kids get these ideas. With luck they grow out
> of them. You don't want to buy into it, though.
>
But where is this kid going to learn that her right to swing her
fist stops where Sian's face starts? Let the kid have that? Like hell.
Letting a kid be rude to you in your own house is a bad thing. If a
kid *is* rude to you in your own house, there are good and bad ways
to handle it. You could just deal with the behavior (ie, "that remark
hurt my feelings and I wish you wouldn't say it again" repeated 76000
times until she gets it.) You could deal with the underlying motives,
(ie, "are you trying to make a point? Because you're always saying
things like that and it seems to me that you're getting at something
else with it.") But I wouldn't ignore this either. If for no other
reason, because it's upsetting the OP! Ignoring behavior from other
people that upsets you gives you ulcers. Dealing with it and *then*
ignoring it, if that's the only option, would be much better.
Anne
jane lawrence
>
> >
> That's close, Jane, but it's not quite it. I don't *care* if she likes
> her Mom's stuff better. I'm not in competition with her Mom. I'd lose.
> I never play what I can only lose. However, I do not like to be made to
> feel constantly like nothing I do is good enough. Actually, do not like
> is probably too mild a phrase. I hate loathe and despise it is probably
> closer.
Oh, shit. Now I know you're going to hate me. This is about
you, Sian, not the kid. No one - and certainly no snotty
adolescent - can "make" you feel that nothing you do is good
enough. They can annoy you, hurt your feelings, and piss you
off, but feeling like nothing you do is good enough comes from
inside. She may be sowing seeds, but your soil is fertile (all
right, I have a problem with metaphors).
> When SD says 'I have nailpolish at my mom's. I sure wish I had
> some here.' I generally try to oblige and get her some. When she then
> ignores it and brings the stuff from her mom's over, I start to see a
> little red. If she wanted the stuff from her mom's, why not bring it to
> begin with?
I'm not getting why you don't say, "Next time maybe you should
bring it," or "Oh well." Why on earth would you try to "oblige"
her? That's not fair; I can see offering to lend her some of
your own. But she doesn't have nail polish! Sian, we're
talking about nail polish here. How did we get to the point
that lack of nail polish is making you feel inadequate?
>
> I am becoming more and more disinclined to buy any 'extras' for this kid
> at all, which may simply be the way I have to go. I'm not saying this is
> rational; as I mentioned, I *know* that it's comforting having familiar
> stuff around. [sigh] I could leave it to her dad, but DH is not the type
> to shop for pre-teen girl's underwear and body glitter. So no one _but_
> her mom would be buying for her.
Okay, but what's the problem with that? My experience is that
pre-teen girls are quite capable of procuring their own
underwear and body glitter. I feel no need to participate in
that, at least until the bra straps turn gray. Even then, I'd
think you could just give her some money and drop her and a
friend at JC Penney.
>
> I just don't like putting myself in situations where I am consistently not
> good enough. It's bad for my self esteem and bad for my attitude. I do
> not enjoy trying to restrain myself from being a complete harpy.
Sian, why *are* you buying her "extras?" Extras I buy for my SD
(and my BD) are things I pick up to please them. I only do it
when I'm pretty sure it will go over well and to tell you the
truth, I only do it when we're in sympathy with one another.
Even then, sometimes I miss. But it never makes me feel that
I'm not good enough.
So, please don't take this the wrong way, but it's not your SD's
bullshit that's making you feel not good enough. Or if it is,
then you shouldn't be putting that much power in the kid's
hands. It's not fair to yourself or to the kid. So what else
is going on here that I don't understand?
jane
Anne Robotti
>
> > When SD says 'I have nailpolish at my mom's. I sure wish I had
> > some here.' I generally try to oblige and get her some. When she then
> > ignores it and brings the stuff from her mom's over, I start to see a
> > little red. If she wanted the stuff from her mom's, why not bring it to
> > begin with?
>
> I'm not getting why you don't say, "Next time maybe you should
> bring it," or "Oh well." Why on earth would you try to "oblige"
> her? That's not fair; I can see offering to lend her some of
> your own. But she doesn't have nail polish! Sian, we're
> talking about nail polish here. How did we get to the point
> that lack of nail polish is making you feel inadequate?
> >
That's what I do with my SD, or did for a long time. I've started
cutting out anything that isn't going to have the end result of
making me happy. I've trimmed off a little meat along with the fat,
and had to put some stuff back in. But I made sure that it was the
choice to put it in, not feeling manipulated into it.
And Sian, how did we get to the point that lack of nail polish is
making you feel inadequate *especially* since the only reason she's
bringing up the nail polish is to try to *make* you feel inadequate.
Replace the script that says "MUST GET NAIL POLISH!!!!" with a script
that says, "SD doesn't have nail polish here. I bet she'll pack more
carefully next time." Just so it's not all about you when she says
she doesn't have something. I had to do this in self-preservation,
because I was REALLY feeling resentful of all the money I was spending
on my SD. Now I feel comfortable saying, "Are you hinting that I should
buy you some nail polish? I don't have the money right now." and
leaving it at that.
I still think that what's really bothering you is that hte kid is
purposely trying to get under your skin. It's just like when some of
our BM's do it. It's not that action that's so annoying, it's the
attitude behind it.
Anne
Anne
Sian Lee Reid
<jan...@excite.com> wrote:
> Don't hate me. If I were BM, I wouldn't be able to support you
> in this. If my ex's SO told me that she didn't want BD to bring
> her stuff to their house, I'd think it was weird. I don't think
> it's any of my business what BD brings to their house (with the
> exception of the animals). Maybe I could back her up about a
> specific annoying thing, like a Bop-It. But if you're talking
> about the kid not bringing all her "stuff," I'd have to stay out
> of it. I want my kid to be considerate and everything, but of
> course she wants to bring the stuff she likes with her. Hell,
> she carts a ridiculous amount of stuff to school with her for no
> reason that I can see.
But your BD goes back and forth three or four times a year. SD goes back
and forth every week. (possibly irrelevent, I know, I'm working on this)
>
> I can tell you what would have an effect on my child. If her
> father told her not to bring anything with her, she would cut
> down to her absolute favorites. If they told her that they
> liked buying her things and seeing her using them, she might
> oblige to some extent to please them. But nothing on this earth
> could convince her to go to her father's without her currently
> favorite pajamas, nail polish, moisturizer, and jeans. Please
> keep in mind that BD has absolutely no wish to throw anything in
> anyone's face, either.
I'm still with you here, sort of...
>
> Don't hate me again. Why the hell are you in competition over
> this anyway? This can't be about who's the best jeans,
> toiletry, and nail polish buyer. That's not who you are.
> Buying better stuff isn't how you define your role in the kid's
> life. If you're thinking that you just want SD to say once that
> you bought something better than her BM, you've got to get over
> it. If it's in her head that it's being loyal to BM to say that
> all the crap she buys is better, then you've just got to let the
> kid have that. Kids get these ideas. With luck they grow out
> of them. You don't want to buy into it, though.
>
That's close, Jane, but it's not quite it. I don't *care* if she likes
her Mom's stuff better. I'm not in competition with her Mom. I'd lose.
I never play what I can only lose. However, I do not like to be made to
feel constantly like nothing I do is good enough. Actually, do not like
is probably too mild a phrase. I hate loathe and despise it is probably
closer. When SD says 'I have nailpolish at my mom's. I sure wish I had
some here.' I generally try to oblige and get her some. When she then
ignores it and brings the stuff from her mom's over, I start to see a
little red. If she wanted the stuff from her mom's, why not bring it to
begin with?
I am becoming more and more disinclined to buy any 'extras' for this kid
at all, which may simply be the way I have to go. I'm not saying this is
rational; as I mentioned, I *know* that it's comforting having familiar
stuff around. [sigh] I could leave it to her dad, but DH is not the type
to shop for pre-teen girl's underwear and body glitter. So no one _but_
her mom would be buying for her.
I just don't like putting myself in situations where I am consistently not
Sian Lee Reid
<rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote:
> But this kid *isn't* being considerate. She's being a regular
> little bitch. And I'm sorry, but it shouldn't be allowed. I think
> the most *inconsiderate* thing you can do is tell somebody that
> you got a better gift from somebody else! On that level, it's just
> a point of manners. It's not the stuff. It's the attitude that needs
> to be nipped in the bud. And where's the DH when the SD is completely
> disregarding Sian's feelings like this?!
DH actually said something to her this time, to the effect of if she
doesn't like the stuff we buy her, she needs to tell us so we can change
our buying habits, and not just haul stuff over from her mom's (which I
have issues with anyways, because of my younger BD). She claims she
'forgets' what she has here.
And I know that I may be too sensitive about this stuff. DH doesn't think
it's a big deal, really. Of course, he's not the one doing the shopping
either. I don't think BM is encouraging her to bring stuff over here
simply because it bugs me because that would imply two things: 1) that
biomom could figure out that it might bug me (empathy is not biomom's
strong suit, and 2) that biomom could formulate a plan to bug me (planning
ahead is also not biomom's strong suit!) so I'll have to rule out malice
on her part! :)
SD is a self absorbed preteen. I don't have to like it, but I do have to
be adult about it. I'm prepared to do that; I just have to figure out how
to manage it in such a way that I don't grit my teeth everytime SD is due
to show up.
>
>
> But where is this kid going to learn that her right to swing her
> fist stops where Sian's face starts? Let the kid have that? Like hell.
> Letting a kid be rude to you in your own house is a bad thing. If a
> kid *is* rude to you in your own house, there are good and bad ways
> to handle it. You could just deal with the behavior (ie, "that remark
> hurt my feelings and I wish you wouldn't say it again" repeated 76000
> times until she gets it.) You could deal with the underlying motives,
> (ie, "are you trying to make a point? Because you're always saying
> things like that and it seems to me that you're getting at something
> else with it.") But I wouldn't ignore this either. If for no other
> reason, because it's upsetting the OP! Ignoring behavior from other
> people that upsets you gives you ulcers. Dealing with it and *then*
> ignoring it, if that's the only option, would be much better.
>
And that's where I'm trying to get to, however, I need to figure out how
much of this is just my baggage, left over from a few years ago. (Ask me
about pregnant and homeless sometime!)
Sian
Jennaii
the logical solution to me. And don't take it too personally that your SD
prefers her "other" stuff. I love my DH but sometimes his "gift giving" is
*NOT* to my taste:
He got me a silver watch. I prefer my gold watch (goes with alot more). He
got me strawberry bath gel and I really prefer raspberry (but sooner or later I
*WILL* use the strawberry. He got me a hairdryer without the brush attachment,
(it went back... ).
On the other hand he NEVER asks me why I usually wear my "old" watch instead of
the one he got me so I don't feel like he's "forcing my hand".
>DH actually said something to her this time, to the effect of if she
>doesn't like the stuff we buy her, she needs to tell us so we can change
>our buying habits, and not just haul stuff over from her mom's (which I
>have issues with anyways, because of my younger BD). She claims she
>'forgets' what she has here.
>
"This time: gonna do it RIGHT!" -- Bob Seger
Jennaii
jane lawrence
>
> jane lawrence wrote:
>
> >
> > I can tell you what would have an effect on my child. If her
> > father told her not to bring anything with her, she would cut
> > down to her absolute favorites. If they told her that they
> > liked buying her things and seeing her using them, she might
> > oblige to some extent to please them. But nothing on this earth
> > could convince her to go to her father's without her currently
> > favorite pajamas, nail polish, moisturizer, and jeans. Please
> > keep in mind that BD has absolutely no wish to throw anything in
> > anyone's face, either.
>
> brand new pajamas we just shopped for for two hours because my Mom's
> are better. So is my nail polish and my shampoo and my lip gloss and
> my clothes." This kid has a point to make, and somebody should find
> out what it is.
Maybe. Maybe the point's pretty clear. I'm not right there to
see, but it sounds like, "You'll never be as good as my mother"
stuff. It's not pleasant, but you've got to give it to the
kid. If they need to keep saying that stuff, there's no point
arguing with them. It's an impossible premise to argue with.
It's a fight you've got to stay out of. Yes, it's probably
possible to express the concept in subtler ways than saying it
outright, but Sian's SD is already doing that.
Also, I'm not sure Sian's SD means this to be as "in your face"
as it's coming out. You know how it is. Once you get
sensitized, everything the kid says or does annoys you. That's
what it sounds like with Sian here, because she's annoyed
whether the kid brings stuff from BM's house or she just talks
about it.
>
> >
> > Don't hate me again. Why the hell are you in competition over
> > this anyway? This can't be about who's the best jeans,
> > toiletry, and nail polish buyer. That's not who you are.
> > Buying better stuff isn't how you define your role in the kid's
> > life. If you're thinking that you just want SD to say once that
> > you bought something better than her BM, you've got to get over
> > it. If it's in her head that it's being loyal to BM to say that
> > all the crap she buys is better, then you've just got to let the
> > kid have that. Kids get these ideas. With luck they grow out
> > of them. You don't want to buy into it, though.
> >
> But where is this kid going to learn that her right to swing her
> fist stops where Sian's face starts? Let the kid have that? Like hell.
Anne, she's not swinging a fist. She's needling. Needling is
acceptable behavior. Annoying yes, but only as annoying as you
let it be. I think it's a big mistake to get sidetracked by the
medium, because I think the real problem is that Sian is hurt by
the message. It's not going to help if you force the kid to
express it a different way.
> Letting a kid be rude to you in your own house is a bad thing. If a
> kid *is* rude to you in your own house, there are good and bad ways
> to handle it. You could just deal with the behavior (ie, "that remark
> hurt my feelings and I wish you wouldn't say it again" repeated 76000
> times until she gets it.) You could deal with the underlying motives,
> (ie, "are you trying to make a point? Because you're always saying
> things like that and it seems to me that you're getting at something
> else with it.") But I wouldn't ignore this either. If for no other
> reason, because it's upsetting the OP! Ignoring behavior from other
> people that upsets you gives you ulcers. Dealing with it and *then*
> ignoring it, if that's the only option, would be much better.
>
This I disagree with. If this kind of behavior upsets you, it's
on you to get over it. This kid isn't doing anything majorly
wrong. She has a right to feel the way she does. If I'm
reading Sian's posts correctly, part of the problem is that most
of this stuff is too trivial to mention. SD has succeeded in
the child's art of rebellion just short of what you can penalize
for. Sure, you can ask her if she has a point to make. But what
the hell do you expect the kid to say, "Yes, I do. I hate you
for being with my father. He never should have left my mother.
You will never be as good as she is. My duty is to remind you
of that fact until the day you die." More likely, she'll look
up blankly and say, "What are you talking about, Sian? I was
talking about my nail polish."
jane
Dana
you buy SD the exact same thing as BM? If so, then I agree that if she asks
for it, you should ask if she has one at BMs and if she says yes, then tell
her to bring it from there. If she says anything, tell her that you are
sick of buying her things that she already has and brings over. Now, if you
are not buying the same exact things hence jeans and lotion and shampoo,
tell her that you do not mind buying those things, but she needs to let you
know what brand of whatever she likes. As for the expensive stuff, CD
players and things like that....it depends. If she just got a new one from
BM, maybe she is just like anyone else, does not want to leave new stuff
behind. If she has had the one from BM for a while, box that sucker back up
and take it back. When she asks why, tell her....you always bring one from
home and I am not going to waste money on things you never use. And stick
by it. Say no a few times when she asks or send her to DH. I know these
things may make you feel like you are overreacting, but like Anne said, your
feelings are important too. And I may sound bad, but every time I get SD
something that is either A. not used or B. not taken care of, it pisses me
off so bad. I keep thinking about that new skirt I could have bought or
that doll BD would play with that SD just tosses. Anyway, before I start to
ramble......I hope this helped.
Dana
"Anne Robotti" <rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:38669B30...@worldnet.att.net...
> jane lawrence wrote:
> >
> > But if you're talking
> > about the kid not bringing all her "stuff," I'd have to stay out
> > of it. I want my kid to be considerate and everything, but of
> > course she wants to bring the stuff she likes with her. Hell,
> > she carts a ridiculous amount of stuff to school with her for no
> > reason that I can see.
>
> But this kid *isn't* being considerate. She's being a regular
> little bitch. And I'm sorry, but it shouldn't be allowed. I think
> the most *inconsiderate* thing you can do is tell somebody that
> you got a better gift from somebody else! On that level, it's just
> a point of manners. It's not the stuff. It's the attitude that needs
> to be nipped in the bud. And where's the DH when the SD is completely
> disregarding Sian's feelings like this?!
>
> >
> > I can tell you what would have an effect on my child. If her
> > father told her not to bring anything with her, she would cut
> > down to her absolute favorites. If they told her that they
> > liked buying her things and seeing her using them, she might
> > oblige to some extent to please them. But nothing on this earth
> > could convince her to go to her father's without her currently
> > favorite pajamas, nail polish, moisturizer, and jeans. Please
> > keep in mind that BD has absolutely no wish to throw anything in
> > anyone's face, either.
>
> Right, but your BD doesn't go there and say, "I'm not wearing the
> brand new pajamas we just shopped for for two hours because my Mom's
> are better. So is my nail polish and my shampoo and my lip gloss and
> my clothes." This kid has a point to make, and somebody should find
> out what it is.
>
> >
> > Don't hate me again. Why the hell are you in competition over
> > this anyway? This can't be about who's the best jeans,
> > toiletry, and nail polish buyer. That's not who you are.
> > Buying better stuff isn't how you define your role in the kid's
> > life. If you're thinking that you just want SD to say once that
> > you bought something better than her BM, you've got to get over
> > it. If it's in her head that it's being loyal to BM to say that
> > all the crap she buys is better, then you've just got to let the
> > kid have that. Kids get these ideas. With luck they grow out
> > of them. You don't want to buy into it, though.
> >
> But where is this kid going to learn that her right to swing her
> fist stops where Sian's face starts? Let the kid have that? Like hell.
> Letting a kid be rude to you in your own house is a bad thing. If a
> kid *is* rude to you in your own house, there are good and bad ways
> to handle it. You could just deal with the behavior (ie, "that remark
> hurt my feelings and I wish you wouldn't say it again" repeated 76000
> times until she gets it.) You could deal with the underlying motives,
> (ie, "are you trying to make a point? Because you're always saying
> things like that and it seems to me that you're getting at something
> else with it.") But I wouldn't ignore this either. If for no other
> reason, because it's upsetting the OP! Ignoring behavior from other
> people that upsets you gives you ulcers. Dealing with it and *then*
> ignoring it, if that's the only option, would be much better.
>
> Anne
Sian Lee Reid
<jan...@excite.com> wrote:
> Also, I'm not sure Sian's SD means this to be as "in your face"
> as it's coming out. You know how it is. Once you get
> sensitized, everything the kid says or does annoys you. That's
> what it sounds like with Sian here, because she's annoyed
> whether the kid brings stuff from BM's house or she just talks
> about it.
No, I'm sure she doesn't mean it to be 'in your face' at all. The odd
time she gets 'in my face' about something (and have you ever known a
preteen girl who doesn't over SOMETHING, sooner or later?), I walk away.
I tell her she can talk to me about it again once she's had an attitude
adjustment, that I'm not going to put up with from her what I wouldn't put
up with from my friends, because, in fact, I'm under no obligation to like
her. I'm perfectly capable of reminding HER that I'm not one of her
bioparents. Saves her the trouble of reminding ME.
> >
This kid isn't doing anything majorly
> wrong. She has a right to feel the way she does. If I'm
> reading Sian's posts correctly, part of the problem is that most
> of this stuff is too trivial to mention. SD has succeeded in
> the child's art of rebellion just short of what you can penalize
> for. Sure, you can ask her if she has a point to make. But what
> the hell do you expect the kid to say, "Yes, I do. I hate you
> for being with my father. He never should have left my mother.
> You will never be as good as she is. My duty is to remind you
> of that fact until the day you die." More likely, she'll look
> up blankly and say, "What are you talking about, Sian? I was
> talking about my nail polish."
>
I can just see the look too. :) Hunh? Followed by that very slight eye
roll that indicates that an adult has yet again proven that the world
would make WAY more sense if it were run by teenagers.
What I'm hearing here is that this is my baggage, and there's no point
trying to work out the externalities of it, because they are neither
unreasonable, nor a problem. And, mostly, that's what I was looking for.
Hell, I'm the first to admit I have baggage... on the other hand, every so
often I shoulder the blame for something that's bothering my myself, and
it takes someone else to point out that no, the situation is entirely
unreasonable and needs to change.
The moral of this story? Never try to analyze yourself or your situation
when you are depressed. That way leads to madness...
Sian
Sian Lee Reid
<mid...@icok.net> wrote:
> I think that Anne and Jane both have good points. But,I am not clear. Do
> you buy SD the exact same thing as BM? If so, then I agree that if she asks
> for it, you should ask if she has one at BMs and if she says yes, then tell
> her to bring it from there. If she says anything, tell her that you are
> sick of buying her things that she already has and brings over. Now, if you
> are not buying the same exact things hence jeans and lotion and shampoo,
> tell her that you do not mind buying those things, but she needs to let you
> know what brand of whatever she likes. As for the expensive stuff, CD
> players and things like that....it depends. If she just got a new one from
> BM, maybe she is just like anyone else, does not want to leave new stuff
> behind. If she has had the one from BM for a while, box that sucker back up
> and take it back. When she asks why, tell her....you always bring one from
> home and I am not going to waste money on things you never use. And stick
> by it. Say no a few times when she asks or send her to DH. I know these
> things may make you feel like you are overreacting, but like Anne said, your
> feelings are important too. And I may sound bad, but every time I get SD
> something that is either A. not used or B. not taken care of, it pisses me
> off so bad. I keep thinking about that new skirt I could have bought or
> that doll BD would play with that SD just tosses. Anyway, before I start to
> ramble......I hope this helped.
>
We STRONGLY DISCOURAGE my SD from bringing things from here to her other
house. Some things, she does anyways (notably beanie babies) and we have
told her that if they cease to come back with her (ie, they disappear into
biomom's home permanently) then we will not be buying her any more. She
understands that.
We would STRONGLY PREFER that she not bring things from biomom's here. It
is less of a problem now than it was, but her younger sister (my BD) used
to be devastated when 'new' toys and things would leave with her sister.
It was bad enough that her sister left, and she couldn't understand where
she was going or when she'd be back. That part *is* getting better just
with BD's age. However, we have no say whatsoever in what SD brings from
biomom's.
Because we would prefer to have things not travel, if we think it is
important for SD to have something here, we try to provide it. It is
easier on biomom and it is easier on us. That means we tend NOT to
consult with BM about what SD is getting for birthdays and such, because
we figure if she wants one here, we need to provide one. (We make an
exception for rarely used articles like skates!)
I think that part of my problem is that *I* interpret SD's actions as
indications that she considers the home we provide 'deficient', and I'm
pretty sure that's my internal voice talking, and not SD's intention. I'm
not sure she's sophisticated enough to send that kind of message. Heck,
I'm not sure her biomom is!
As I think I may have posted before, I'm going to use a bit of the
'Robotti limit setting technique' to divest myself of the personal
investment I think I've inappropriately placed in these things. :)
Thanks!
Sian
Anne Robotti
>
> We would STRONGLY PREFER that she not bring things from biomom's here. It
> is less of a problem now than it was, but her younger sister (my BD) used
> to be devastated when 'new' toys and things would leave with her sister.
> It was bad enough that her sister left, and she couldn't understand where
> she was going or when she'd be back. That part *is* getting better just
> with BD's age. However, we have no say whatsoever in what SD brings from
> biomom's.
Wrong. You may have no say in what SD puts in her suitcase or bag and brings
to your house, but you absolutely do have a say in whether she gets to trot
it out in front of her sister and make her miserable! SD has all her clothes
here. She doesn't bring anything. If she did, and it was something that would
potentially cause a problem, DH would tell her when he picked her up that she
couldn't bring it. If (ha ha) BM dropped her off with it, we would either
tell her it had to stay in her room, or take it away from her until she returned
to BM. I don't see why this is such a big deal. I see this very much as a
"personal preferences" type of thing. It's not wrong for you (or me) not to
want stuff switched from house to house, especially since it's causing problems.
So that's your choice to make. Now enforce it.
Anne
Anne Robotti
Pretty please?
Anne
Sian Lee Reid
<rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote:
> Wow, is it really okay to say this? Could I please just say it once?
> Pretty please?
>
> Anne
I actually haven't found it has done a lot of harm. I do also remind her
that I would *prefer* to like her, because everyone is happier that way,
but that I don't *have* to, anymore than she *has* to like me all the
time. Sometimes she reacts better to me pointing out that her
schoolfriends wouldn't be friends with her either, if she acted with them
the way she acts with me.
I just figure that it reminds her that the fact people would prefer to
like her does not mean they will tolerate being treated badly, nor is
treating people badly a good way to get what you want.
As for is it okay to say, I think so, depending on how it's said and the
context. Others may disagree (wouldn't be the first time!)
Sian
Christine Coster
for a couple of weeks before Christmas, I ended up doing almost all of the
gift-buying for my Sd and SS. I put a lot of thought into it, and a lot of
time. I was therefore very disappointed on Christmas Day when shortly after
they opened their presents here, SS was playing with something he'd brought
over from BM's place and SD (age 12) got out her mobile phone that BM had
given her for Christmas. I felt like why had I bothered spending hours
shopping for them - maybe giving them money would have been better.
Chris
Sian Lee Reid <slr...@alfred.carleton.ca> wrote in message
news:slreid-2512...@192.0.2.1...
Didi Jakubowski
Santa in MI. We told her that my youngest had received that for her birthday
in Nov. as well. I don't know how many of you are familiar with it, but it is
a computerized interactive doll that comes with MANY small pieces to keep track
of. I suggested to DH that when he picked SD up Christmas afternoon he
strongly discourage BM from sending it with her as we would have to try to keep
the two dolls and accessories separate for the next week. Well, BM insisted
that SD HAD to bring it -- that it was her "favorite" present from Santa. All
the while knowing that BM will crucify my DH if any of the parts are
missing......
Needless to say that with 4 sets of Granparents here (my parents are divorced
and my ex's parents treat SD as their own as well) and 15 aunts and uncles, the
children were so inundated with gifts that SD hasn't even looked at Amazing
Ally since she brought it in the house and placed it in the LR.......
Touche!
Didi
Mother to Caitlin, 10, Patrick, 8, Meagan, 6, and Step-mother to Kayla, 7.
"A dead thing can go with a stream, only a living thing can go against it."
G.K. Chesterton
Dana
is ok.
Dana
"Anne Robotti" <rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:3867F243...@worldnet.att.net...
> Wow, is it really okay to say this? Could I please just say it once?
> Pretty please?
>
> Anne
>
Dana
Dana
"Sian Lee Reid" <slr...@alfred.carleton.ca> wrote in message
news:slreid-2712...@192.0.2.1...
> We would STRONGLY PREFER that she not bring things from biomom's here. It
> is less of a problem now than it was, but her younger sister (my BD) used
> to be devastated when 'new' toys and things would leave with her sister.
> It was bad enough that her sister left, and she couldn't understand where
> she was going or when she'd be back. That part *is* getting better just
> with BD's age. However, we have no say whatsoever in what SD brings from
> biomom's.
>
Someone
When it was pretty clear that she was trying to manipulate or lie or take
advantage of me somehow, I would remind her that I am not her parent and
that if she chooses to treat me that way then I will not go out of my way
for her either (which, by the way, would create serious ripples in her life
- like lack of rides to and from places, etc.). I also compared it to her
group of friends. I asked her how they would react if she treated them the
way she treats me.
I remind her that I do nice things for her because I care, but if she
continues to treat me like crap my level of caring will decrease over time
until we're just coexisting, which is not a pleasant place to be.
She was old enough where I could put the ball in her court.
Sian Lee Reid <slr...@alfred.carleton.ca> wrote in article
<slreid-2712...@192.0.2.1>...
: In article <3867F243...@worldnet.att.net>, Anne Robotti
: <rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote:
:
: > Wow, is it really okay to say this? Could I please just say it once?
: > Pretty please?
: >
: > Anne
:
: I actually haven't found it has done a lot of harm. I do also remind her
: that I would *prefer* to like her, because everyone is happier that way,
: but that I don't *have* to, anymore than she *has* to like me all the
: time. Sometimes she reacts better to me pointing out that her
: schoolfriends wouldn't be friends with her either, if she acted with them
: the way she acts with me.
:
: I just figure that it reminds her that the fact people would prefer to
: like her does not mean they will tolerate being treated badly, nor is
: treating people badly a good way to get what you want.
:
: As for is it okay to say, I think so, depending on how it's said and the
: context. Others may disagree (wouldn't be the first time!)
:
: Sian
: >
:
Sian Lee Reid
<som...@somewhere.com> wrote:
> This looks less and less like a situation that you're powerless over. I
> hope some of this helps.
It does. I went shopping yesterday and refrained from buying SD two pairs
of track pants in the size up from what she's wearing at the moment,
because in six months when she hits that size, track pants may be on the
'off' list again. Preteen tastes are pretty fickle. I knew that if I
bought them and then she refused to wear them, I'd be irritated, so I just
didn't do it. It irritates me to have to pay full price for clothes too,
but not as much as not having them worn!
And some of the irritation is a symptom of other things that _don't_ have
to do with SD in particular, and I've just got to remember that I can't
hold her accountable for her mom's attitudes.
So I'm way less ticked now than I was a week ago. I must confess that I
am wondering how many days in a row she is going to wear the pyjamas that
she brought from her mom's. She's been here since Saturday, and she'll be
here until the 6th, and I'm _not_ washing them (we established a couple of
years ago that biomom doesn't like the way I do my laundry, and she would
prefer I send her stuff back unwashed). Personally, two weeks in the same
pyjamas seems a little gross to me, but I'm not 10... :D
Sian
Someone
I think you're right, that there's no blatant issue of deficiency in what
you're providing for her, although I totally agree with you that this sort
of thing drives me absolutely bonkers.
We don't encounter this sort of situation too often, only because SD sees
her mom maybe one weekend per month and she just packs for a couple of
overnights. In fact, everything BM buys her comes here simply because she
is here almost 100% of the time.
We have had instances where we buy SD several paors of pants, for example,
then she visits her mom and cries that she had no pants to wear, so her mom
buys her more. That's fine, I don't particularly care, except when it
comes to the more expensive things that she really DOES need and we're
supposed to share the cost with BM, BM will turn around and say "well she
needed pants so I spent the money on pants instead." I have said to BM
"What SD thinks she needs and what she really does need are usually 2 very
different things." Which is when BM went off about how she refuses to call
us up for an inventory on her wardrobe before she takes SD shopping, etc.
(which was not what I was getting at, just trying to help her remember
teenage logic vs. reality) but anyway...
I think it might even help to draw a limit for yourself. It's totally up
to your own preferences, but let's take $100, for example. If something is
less than $100, you will just buy it and if it's a duplicate, OH WELL. Let
it go.
If something is over $100 then you will put more thought into the purchase.
How much will it bother you if SD comments on the value of the one you
bought vs. the one BM bought; call BM and find out if there is one there
already; etc.
Of course, you set your own amount depending on what value you can let go
and blow off and what value you can't.
Don't know if that helps, but I think using a fair share of discretion when
making purchases is never a bad thing.
: We STRONGLY DISCOURAGE my SD from bringing things from here to her other
:
Someone
: some here.' I generally try to oblige and get her some. When she then
: ignores it and brings the stuff from her mom's over, I start to see a
: little red. If she wanted the stuff from her mom's, why not bring it to
: begin with?
Sian, stop obliging. Obliging connotates doing something you wouldn't
normally do because you feel pressured to or obligated to. You are not
obligated to buy things for SD. If she says "I have such-and-such at my
mom's. I sure wish I had it here." then just remind her that next time she
packs she should think of that. "In the meantime, I have a great red that
would look good with that shirt. Want to try it?" You don't even have to
add the sharing of your things, you can leave it be at the reminder.
After knowing more of what is being said, it is pretty clear that this is a
game SD is playing with you, and you're playing right along. Stop playing
the game and I bet a lot of those awful feelings you're having about this
will give way.
: I am becoming more and more disinclined to buy any 'extras' for this kid
: at all, which may simply be the way I have to go. I'm not saying this is
: rational;
Of course it's rational. There's nothing wrong with not buying most of the
stuff the kid asks for.
as I mentioned, I *know* that it's comforting having familiar
: stuff around. [sigh]
Again, remind her to bring the things that bring comfort with her.
I could leave it to her dad, but DH is not the type
: to shop for pre-teen girl's underwear and body glitter. So no one _but_
: her mom would be buying for her.
Is there anything terribly wrong with that? Perhaps dad could get his
daughter a gift certificate to her favourite store once in a while and let
her pick out what she wants. If you're feeling this bad about doing things
for her. continuing to do things like this for her is only going to make
you feel worse. Take a break.
: I just don't like putting myself in situations where I am consistently
not
: good enough. It's bad for my self esteem and bad for my attitude. I do
: not enjoy trying to restrain myself from being a complete harpy.
This looks less and less like a situation that you're powerless over. I
Jennaii
why she comes to visit in 8 degree weather with only ratty t-shirts and holey
pants she says thats all she's got. Now we KNOW this isn't true because we
keep buying her sweaters and jeans and sending them home with her.
I have long wondered if SD does this intentionally so we will buy her new
clothes or if her MOTHER does this intentinally so we will buy her new clothes.
Either way, as long as we keep BUYING more the pattern is NOT likely to
change.
>
>We have had instances where we buy SD several paors of pants, for example,
>then she visits her mom and cries that she had no pants to wear, so her mom
>buys her more. That's fine, I don't particularly care, except when it
>comes to the more expensive things that she really DOES need and we're
>supposed to share the cost with BM, BM will turn around and say "well she
>needed pants so I spent the money on pants instead." I have said to BM
>"What SD thinks she needs and what she really does need are usually 2 very
>different things." Which is when BM went off about how she refuses to call
>us up for an inventory on her wardrobe before she takes SD shopping, etc.
>(which was not what I was getting at, just trying to help her remember
>
lois
I can give you a few ideas. First of all My husband and I are custodial
parents to his 2 teens and I have raised them for 8 years, one is 16
and the other is 14. We do not let them take anything to their moms
house ever since the time we picked them up early from their weekend
with her to go to a family function and forgot my step-sons clothes. Of
course he wasn't allowed by her boyfriend to take the clothes and
return them on their next weekend, so we stopped at a store and bought
something decent for him to wear. Ever since then what ever we buy them
stays here, she brings them sweats to go with her and we don't let them
take their good shoes or cd's or skateboards either. Why should we send
their good clothes or shoes just so she isn't forced to go and buy them
clothes. Now she has to buy them shoes, clothes and they only last them
a while because they don't wear them often and they grow out of them.
qalso around christmas time I tell them to list 3 things they want and
not to ask for duplicate stuff. She doesn't ask them what they want so
it is not a big problem. I think the CP wants to score brownie points
with her daughter and wants to show you that she provides what her
daughter needs and is afraid you will become a thorn in her side. It
happens to the best of us. If ever this happens again you should take
the gift back and donate the money to a charity in her name. This
should let her know that the world does not revolve around SD and she
should stop being so selfish and thank God she has a cool step mom.
I know my SD would'nt trade me for the world...Believe me I'm no
pushover and am pretyy strict, and she knows I love her.
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kevin
> Well as a person new to this chat stuff
>
kevin
--
EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS
#20. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
tkwalker
Sian Lee Reid <slr...@alfred.carleton.ca> wrote in message
news:slreid-3012...@192.0.2.1...
>I must confess that I
> am wondering how many days in a row she is going to wear the pyjamas that
> she brought from her mom's. She's been here since Saturday, and she'll be
> here until the 6th, and I'm _not_ washing them (we established a couple of
> years ago that biomom doesn't like the way I do my laundry, and she would
> prefer I send her stuff back unwashed)
Ewwwwww!!!! And how petty of biomother... Oh well, less work for you and
more work for her to gripe about.
Aloha,
Kina
Dana
"tkwalker" <tkwa...@gateway.net> wrote in message
news:84qka6$l8t$1...@news.laserlink.net...
>
> Sian Lee Reid <slr...@alfred.carleton.ca> wrote in message
> news:slreid-3012...@192.0.2.1...
> >I must confess that I
> > am wondering how many days in a row she is going to wear the pyjamas
that
> > she brought from her mom's. She's been here since Saturday, and she'll
be
> > here until the 6th, and I'm _not_ washing them (we established a couple
of
> > years ago that biomom doesn't like the way I do my laundry, and she
would
> > prefer I send her stuff back unwashed)
I hear you! I accidently shrunk SD pants (might I add they were very old
and stained!!). I still hear about it???
Dana
>
> Ewwwwww!!!! And how petty of biomother... Oh well, less work for you and
> more work for her to gripe about.
>
> Aloha,
> Kina
very petty!
Dana
>
>
lois
I'm glad to know there are other step-parents out there with problems
just like mine!