its time for a pity party
Amy Lou
Its that time of year (here in Australia) when the school year comes to an
end, school reports are out and some students get an award presented at a
special ceremony. Well my clever 16y/o ( DH's step son) is getting two
awards next week. Im very proud of course. I'll be going to the ceremony
without my DH due to his work commitments. Does he express any regret at
missing the ceremony? No. Im used to that. He doesn't normally show much
interest in my son's achievements. Today I found out our 8y/o is also
getting an award. When I told DH he expressed that he was "really pissed
off" that he couldn't attend. I know there is a vast difference between
feelings for step kids and bio kids but it still hurts that DH doesn't care
that he is missing his SS's ceremony, only his BS's. I don't blame DH for
this hurt, BTW. I know it is just one of the difficulties of being in a
blended family.
Amy
The Watsons
"Amy Lou" <amyl...@bigpond.com> wrote in message
news:RncCb.49188$aT....@news-server.bigpond.net.au...
*Hugs*
Jess
Amy Lou
> *Hugs*
>
> Jess
Thanks
Amy
Anne Robotti
wrote:
>I know there is a vast difference between
>feelings for step kids and bio kids but it still hurts that DH doesn't care
>that he is missing his SS's ceremony, only his BS's. I don't blame DH for
>this hurt, BTW. I know it is just one of the difficulties of being in a
>blended family.
You know though Amy, I agree there's a difference between *feeling* it
for a SK vs a BK, but honestly sometimes your husband just seems like
he's out to make a point. As a SP who (quite frankly) a lot of the
time *feels* exactly the way your husband feels, I try very hard not
to let it get to the point where I'm expressing my feelings in a way
that hurts my SD or my DH. If I had to miss something of SDs that I
knew was important to her, I would express regret. I mean, I wouldn't
beat my breast and moan, but I'd say, "Geez, I'm really sorry I'm
goign to miss that. Take lots of pictures for me, okay?" And I would
let DH know that I was sorry to be missing something that was
important to him because it's important to his daughter.
I get after all this time that your DH doesn't care about your son's
feelings, but shit, doesn't he care about yours either? To have said
nothing about missing your son's award and then make a big deal out of
missing the 8 year old's is just rude and hurtful.
Anne
Amy Lou
"Anne Robotti" wrote
>
> I get after all this time that your DH doesn't care about your son's
> feelings, but shit, doesn't he care about yours either?
Anne, of course he cares about my feelings and about my son's too. Get over
all that stuff that happened in the past. We have.
To have said
> nothing about missing your son's award and then make a big deal out of
> missing the 8 year old's is just rude and hurtful.
That's certainly how it felt to me. But that aside it really does work for
us that DH is completely honest about his feelings. I don't have any
unrealistic expectations, except now and again something like this happens
and it just makes me feel sad that DH doesn't feel for my kid the way I do.
Amy
Vicki Robinson
>Anne, of course he cares about my feelings and about my son's too. Get over
>all that stuff that happened in the past. We have.
>
>To have said
>> nothing about missing your son's award and then make a big deal out of
>> missing the 8 year old's is just rude and hurtful.
>
>That's certainly how it felt to me.
Your statements are inconsistent. Either he cares, and all this is in
the past, or you are hurt by his partiality. Which is it?
>But that aside it really does work for
>us that DH is completely honest about his feelings. I don't have any
>unrealistic expectations, except now and again something like this happens
>and it just makes me feel sad that DH doesn't feel for my kid the way I do.
I think that's pretty true of all blended families now and again.
Vicki
--
Just to think I used to worry about things like that.
Used to worry 'bout rich and skinny
'til I wound up poor and fat.
-Delbert McClinton
Melissa
>all that stuff that happened in the past. We have.
Then why did you post about this?
Love,
Melissa
"The old Tom didn't poison your fish either!"
-Carson Kressley, from Queer Eye
jane
>nothing about missing your son's award and then make a big deal out of
>missing the 8 year old's is just rude and hurtful.
>
>Anne
Oh, I don't know. If DH said this to me, I'd want to smack him.
I wouldn't miss SD receiving an academic award for anything. But if this were
a dance recital or something, I would be pissed to miss Lee's and relieved to
miss SD's.
I don't get the "hurt" thing. Really, it just seems to me like the person is
being manipulative or looking for something to bitch about. I don't expect DH
to love Lee like I do, or as he loves his own kids. I'd be: "God damn it,
please don't tell me we're back to this loving your kids shit. Of course I
don't love your kids like you do. NO ONE loves your kids like you do. Except
maybe their mother. Please, call her. See if she can go with you."
Really, nothing makes me lose patience faster. I'll go to your kid's stuff.
I'll spend a vacation day on it. I'll tell her she's wonderful. I'll pick out
the gift. I'll wear heels and pantyhose and makeup. Just don't act as though
it's something I enjoy doing. I'm earning serious brownie points and I will
call them in for my kid's stuff.
jane
Amy Lou
"Vicki Robinson" <vjr...@xcski.com> wrote in message
news:brcf8t$ocv$1...@allhats.xcski.com...
> In a previous article, "Amy Lou" <amyl...@bigpond.com> said:
>
> >Anne, of course he cares about my feelings and about my son's too. Get
over
> >all that stuff that happened in the past. We have.
> >
> >To have said
> >> nothing about missing your son's award and then make a big deal out of
> >> missing the 8 year old's is just rude and hurtful.
> >
> >That's certainly how it felt to me.
>
> Your statements are inconsistent. Either he cares, and all this is in
> the past, or you are hurt by his partiality. Which is it?
I don't understand why it has to be one or the other. As far as I can tell
DH cares about the 16y/o (and always has) but is much fonder of his own
children. That seems perfectly understandable to me but it still can be
hurtful.
>
>
> >But that aside it really does work for
> >us that DH is completely honest about his feelings. I don't have any
> >unrealistic expectations, except now and again something like this
happens
> >and it just makes me feel sad that DH doesn't feel for my kid the way I
do.
>
> I think that's pretty true of all blended families now and again.
That was exactly why I posted. I'm generally very happy with my blended
family, but the very fact that it is a blended family means there is
occasional disappointment.
Amy
Amy Lou
"Melissa" <laa...@aol.comspamzap> wrote in message
news:20031212115111...@mb-m03.aol.com...
> >Get over
> >all that stuff that happened in the past. We have.
>
> Then why did you post about this?
I felt hurt and wanted to discuss it.
Amy
Amy Lou
"jane" <janel...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20031212130118...@mb-m01.aol.com...
> >To have said
> >nothing about missing your son's award and then make a big deal out of
> >missing the 8 year old's is just rude and hurtful.
> >
> >Anne
>
> Oh, I don't know. If DH said this to me, I'd want to smack him.
So you'd be angry?
>
> I wouldn't miss SD receiving an academic award for anything. But if this
were
> a dance recital or something, I would be pissed to miss Lee's and relieved
to
> miss SD's.
So you understand why DH would say such a thing?
>
> I don't get the "hurt" thing. Really, it just seems to me like the person
is
> being manipulative or looking for something to bitch about.
You think I am being manipulative? I don't get that. I agree I was bitching
though. I wanted a pity party (only a small one). :)
I don't expect DH
> to love Lee like I do, or as he loves his own kids. I'd be: "God damn it,
> please don't tell me we're back to this loving your kids shit. Of course
I
> don't love your kids like you do. NO ONE loves your kids like you do.
Except
> maybe their mother. Please, call her. See if she can go with you."
I want some pity about that too please. I moved away from my own family and
from my son's paternal family to live with DH in another state. When 16y/o
is in something like an awards ceremony or a school play there is nobody
else handy who is interested in going with me. I feel a bit sad about that.
I don't blame anyone. Its just the way it is.
>
> Really, nothing makes me lose patience faster. I'll go to your kid's
stuff.
> I'll spend a vacation day on it. I'll tell her she's wonderful. I'll
pick out
> the gift. I'll wear heels and pantyhose and makeup. Just don't act as
though
> it's something I enjoy doing. I'm earning serious brownie points and I
will
> call them in for my kid's stuff.
You know, I don't expect DH to be interested in 16y/o's achievments but when
he does offer to come with me to a ceremony or whatever I'm very gratefull.
It is a brownie point thing. Its also a love deposit thing.
Amy
Kathleen
and I COULDN'T BELIEVE that my husband wanted to go! He went to
church with us that day too (which makes it twice in 2 years). He
didn't even go see me get baptized. It was pretty cool. I think we
are all feeling closer these days, but it's hard to tell what made him
want to be there.
I quit going to her games because it got to be dreadful waiting to
see what fit they would throw... in fact when we picked her up for
her birthday they threw a small fit and I could tell DH was dreading
that, so I kind of understand him not wanting to do that stuff.
With hope and heart,
Kathleen
--
The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.
~ J.R.R. Tolkien
: > >To have said
:
:
:
Amy Lou
"Kathleen" <lovebi...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:brei5f$2ap1n$1...@ID-108718.news.uni-berlin.de...
> Amy, I know exactly how you feel. My daughter got baptized recently,
> and I COULDN'T BELIEVE that my husband wanted to go! He went to
> church with us that day too (which makes it twice in 2 years). He
> didn't even go see me get baptized. It was pretty cool.
Yes that was pretty cool.
I think we
> are all feeling closer these days, but it's hard to tell what made him
> want to be there.
I know! Its because there is less stress (I get that from what you wrote
below).
>
> I quit going to her games because it got to be dreadful waiting to
> see what fit they would throw... in fact when we picked her up for
> her birthday they threw a small fit and I could tell DH was dreading
> that, so I kind of understand him not wanting to do that stuff.
Yeah I can understand that too.
Amy
~August
>
>
> As far as I can tell DH cares about the 16y/o (and always has) but is much
fonder of his own
> children. That seems perfectly understandable to me but it still can be
> hurtful.
<tossing pity pearls toward Amy>
Same situation in this house Amy. Me and the kids know that my husband will
do almost anything for my kids... including attending their ceremonies....
but *I* know that hubby cares about my kids because he cares about me - not
because he cares about my kids.
I love being able to share things concerning my kids with him, but at the
same time i realize that he is sharing that with *me, because of *me... not
because of the kids.
~August
Anne Robotti
wrote:
>> Your statements are inconsistent. Either he cares, and all this is in
>> the past, or you are hurt by his partiality. Which is it?
>
>I don't understand why it has to be one or the other. As far as I can tell
>DH cares about the 16y/o (and always has) but is much fonder of his own
>children. That seems perfectly understandable to me but it still can be
>hurtful.
This I'm really fascinated by. Wasn't it you posting for years that
your DH was mean to your son, didn't take his feelings into
consideration, etc? I thought the big problems in your marriage were
due to the fact that DH was always nasty to your son.
Anne
Anne Robotti
<lovebi...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> I quit going to her games because it got to be dreadful waiting to
>see what fit they would throw... in fact when we picked her up for
>her birthday they threw a small fit and I could tell DH was dreading
>that, so I kind of understand him not wanting to do that stuff.
>With hope and heart,
>Kathleen
Who throws a fit? SD? Why?
Anne
Anne Robotti
<august164...@hotmail.com> wrote:
>Same situation in this house Amy. Me and the kids know that my husband will
>do almost anything for my kids... including attending their ceremonies....
>but *I* know that hubby cares about my kids because he cares about me - not
>because he cares about my kids.
>
>I love being able to share things concerning my kids with him, but at the
>same time i realize that he is sharing that with *me, because of *me... not
>because of the kids.
>
August, are you okay with that, or not okay with it? It sounds very
sweet to me.
Anne
Kathleen
was embarassing and the first time I stood my ground calmly and we
both got asked to leave (with Kayla runing off crying), the second
time I just backed away. The rest of the times it's just lots of
dirty looks and loud talking about me to whoever will listen (oh and
threatening to call the police LOL), and I'm just not a fighter. I
have just opted out of those public appearances and let her be the
Mom - to the extent that she can fill those shoes.
With hope and heart,
Kathleen
--
The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.
~ J.R.R. Tolkien
"Anne Robotti" <arob...@deletemelscomm.net> wrote in message
news:1r4mtv4jnnh63pca4...@4ax.com...
: On Sat, 13 Dec 2003 02:15:23 -0600, "Kathleen"
jane
>
>So you'd be angry?
I wouldn't say "angry." Impatient. Exasperated. Annoyed.
>>
>> I wouldn't miss SD receiving an academic award for anything. But if this
>were
>> a dance recital or something, I would be pissed to miss Lee's and relieved
>to
>> miss SD's.
>
>So you understand why DH would say such a thing?
I don't get this. Whose DH? A thing like what?
>You think I am being manipulative?
No. I'd have no problem with my DH going on to his friends about this. I'd be
okay with him telling me straight up that it makes him sad that I don't love
his kids. I don't get it, but I don't take it personally either. What got me
was Anne's position that it would be rude or inconsiderate to fail to feign
disappointment over your kid's thing or to hide his disappointment over his
kid's thing. I hate that shit. It's way on the other side of my lying for
courtesy comfort zone.
jane
>Amy
~August
> >I love being able to share things concerning my kids with him, but at the
> >same time i realize that he is sharing that with *me, because of *me...
not
> >because of the kids.
> >
> August, are you okay with that, or not okay with it? It sounds very
> sweet to me.
> Anne
NOW I am pretty much ok with it. Thanks to this board (i have lurked here
for years :-) and some pre-marital counseling, i have learned how to deal
with the fact that even though i totally accept his children and have a
"protective, nuturing, wants whats best for them, i would take them in as my
own with no problems if they didnt have a mom of their own type of caring
feelings toward them", that it is ok for my husband not to feel the same way
toward my kids.
I very much wanted to blend our families so closely that the lines were
practically seamless, but just the fact that he thinks my kids are good
kids... that he doesnt dislike them when they are "bad kids" ;-) and that
he is willing to do for them practically anything that he would his own
kids.... Well, it wasnt easy at first, but i figured out that him loving me
enough to be that way with my kids even though he doesnt love them enough to
automatically/*naturally* want to be that way toward them.... well, i
think thats a pretty good situation in itself. But sometimes i do still
kinda wish that it was just the seven of us... and i have to push aside the
disappointment and rememeber to be grateful for what we do have.
~August
Amy Lou
"jane" <janel...@aol.com> wrote
What got me
> was Anne's position that it would be rude or inconsiderate to fail to
feign
> disappointment over your kid's thing or to hide his disappointment over
his
> kid's thing. I hate that shit. It's way on the other side of my lying
for
> courtesy comfort zone.
Ah! Now I get you and I agree. In the case of my DH's annoyance at missing
his kid's award ceremony he was simply being open and honest and we are both
comfortable with that level of honesty. I don't want him to lie for my
comfort. I don't want him to feel the same way about my kid as he feels
about his own kids. However even though I feel that way it can still be
disappointing when it is thrust in my face. I'm not suggesting that DH
should change his ways. It is just a fact of step family life that I will
and do occasionally feel hurt. So send me a hug. :) Actually don't bother
'cause I'm over the hurt already.
Amy
Amy Lou
"Anne Robotti" wrote:
>
> This I'm really fascinated by. Wasn't it you posting for years that
> your DH was mean to your son, didn't take his feelings into
> consideration, etc?
Oh Anne, you're so sweet to remember little old me. :)
I thought the big problems in your marriage were
> due to the fact that DH was always nasty to your son.
DH was nasty to my son, yes. And he was often verbally abusive towards me.
Turns out most of that was due to DH's inability to understand and express
his own feelings. When the penny dropped for me that I was enabling his bad
behaviour I started setting boundaries and getting tough with him.
Eventually he sought help and gradually changed from a constantly angry man
into a happy, nice person. Things just got better and better.
Amy
Amy Lou
"~August" wrote:
But sometimes i do still
> kinda wish that it was just the seven of us... and i have to push aside
the
> disappointment and rememeber to be grateful for what we do have.
Its very comforting to hear this. I'm so glad someone understands. BTW
thanks for the pity pearls. Anytime you want them back just holler. :)))
Amy
jane
>disappointing when it is thrust in my face. I'm not suggesting that DH
>should change his ways. It is just a fact of step family life that I will
>and do occasionally feel hurt. So send me a hug. :) Actually don't bother
>'cause I'm over the hurt already.
>
>Amy
Right. Well. I'm not much of a hugger, but I am trying to be supportive.
I've been thinking lately. I have decided that whining is underrated. I
caught myself whining about something recently, and the person I was with said
"Don't worry. This is a whine-friendly zone."
It was a revelation. When I thought about it, I don't mind other people
whining. It can get annoying if it's incessant or if the whiner gets stuck
there. Other than that, it's just an outlet. Go ahead and get it off your
chest and get back to business.
It used to seem pointless to me because the other person couldn't do anything
about it. Now, I'm thinking that that is value of it. If the other person can
do something about it, it begins to feel like manipulation. It puts pressure on
her to help you with the problem.
Anyway, I think you're better off whining here about this stuff than whining to
your DH about it. You feel bad. No point making him feel bad, too. I'm sure
not going to feel bad. I'm not going to hug you or throw pearls or anything,
but I'm good with it.
jane