A BIG BANG - STEP MOTHER/STEP SON
Peter O'Connell
Four years ago, I married my second wife. We have a healthy, joyous 2
1/2 year old daughter.
I've maintained close relationships with the two children from my first
marriage, a girl now 16, and a boy now 17. Although the two older
children live with their mother, they are around a lot, 14 evenings a
months, with two weekend sleep overs.
My second wife has been resentful of the time I devote to the children
from my first marriage, and resentful of the extra work she perceives
she has to to in caring for them. The resentful attitude has always
been noticable, but sort of glossed over by the older kids.
Until last week, when my 17 years old son called his step mother's
behavior "obnoxious". I had to agree with him. The scene that followed
was a BIG BANG with flying plates of food, hurtful insults, crying
babies, and, ultimately, a promise by my son that he'll never set foot
in my house again.
I'm heart sick about matters, and would appreciate any feedback.
kit...@richmond.freedomnet.com
In article <32FF56...@yale.edu>,
Peter O'Connell <Peter.O...@yale.edu> wrote:
>
>
> I've maintained close relationships with the two children from my first
> marriage, a girl now 16, and a boy now 17. Although the two older
> children live with their mother, they are around a lot, 14 evenings a
> months, with two weekend sleep overs.
>
Hmmmm ... this sounds good for the older kids....
> My second wife has been resentful of the time I devote to the children
> from my first marriage, and resentful of the extra work she perceives
> she has to to in caring for them. The resentful attitude has always
> been noticable, but sort of glossed over by the older kids.
O.k. Now for the questions:
1) Do you spend time with your older kids to THE EXCLUSION of your second
wife?
2) Do your older kids behave responsibly according to their ages (by this
I mean: pick up after themselves, help with the housework while they're
in your home, offer to help with thier half-sibling... etc.)?
3) Have your older children made ANY attempts to include your second wife
in "their" family?
If the answers to 2 and 3 are NO, and/or the answer to 1 is YES ... I can
understand her problem. But these answers are NOT evident from your
initial posting.
>
> Until last week, when my 17 years old son called his step mother's
> behavior "obnoxious". I had to agree with him. The scene that followed
> was a BIG BANG with flying plates of food, hurtful insults, crying
> babies, and, ultimately, a promise by my son that he'll never set foot
> in my house again.
Again, this is unclear, was it ONLY your wife doing the insults/flying
plates and food ? If your son was involved in the actions, than his
behavior is JUST as obnoxious!
>
> I'm heart sick about matters, and would appreciate any feedback.
Feedback: I get the feeling from your post that your wife is on the
OUTSIDE of your relationship with your new wife. You CAN NOT have a
happy blended family when you exclude one member. She has EVERY right to
be unhappy if she's excluded.
If your children aren't pulling their own weight when visiting, she has
EVERY RIGHT to be upset about "extra work" ... this includes cooking for
other people, cleaning up after other people, doing laundry etc. etc.
etc. all the normal household tasks are complicated EXPONENTIALLY when
you add just one person.
Then again, there is NO indication that the picture I've perceived is the
truth. Without more information it's VERY difficult to give
advice/feedback.
BUT - the fact that you DON'T mention her involvement or the kids'
picking up after themselves, and the points of contention are your
relationships and the extra work .... this TENDS to speak clearly towards
my reading being fairly accurate.
In any case, I would advise THERAPY for ALL FOUR OF YOU. Situations like
you describe tend to lead to hurt, resentment and ANOTHER DIVORCE. If
you love your wife AND your kids, please get family counseling to work
out the difficulties. OR you may want to just consider couple's
counseling to better understand each other and your respective positions.
Good luck!
HUGS
Cat
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Bambio
Peter O'Connell wrote:
>
> Four years ago, I married my second wife. We have a healthy, joyous 2
> 1/2 year old daughter.
>
> marriage, a girl now 16, and a boy now 17. Although the two older
> children live with their mother, they are around a lot, 14 evenings a
> months, with two weekend sleep overs.
>
> from my first marriage, and resentful of the extra work she perceives
> she has to to in caring for them. The resentful attitude has always
> been noticable, but sort of glossed over by the older kids.
>
> behavior "obnoxious". I had to agree with him. The scene that followed
> was a BIG BANG with flying plates of food, hurtful insults, crying
> babies, and, ultimately, a promise by my son that he'll never set foot
> in my house again.
>
--
I'm sorry that the situation got so out of hand. Also, it's possible
that your wife has a completely different version of the story. But I'm
basing my response upon your posting. Some questions that I had was --
did you realize your second wife had an attitude about your kids before
you married her? Have you been discussing this attitude for the past four
years and trying to seek ways to have her change her behavior?
Our blended family is by no means perfect. But, I would never have
married my husband if I had detected even the slightest resentment toward
my daughter. And, if it had emerged afterward, I think I would have
seriously considered major counseling at the minimum. We married each
other with the understanding there were children on both sides that were
top priority. On the occasions that we've been given the opportunity for
a bonus weekend or extra time with my stepsons, I've always felt happy
that he could have some extra time and never would bitch that it meant
extra work, etc.. I've received the same from my husband. He knows how
important my daughter is to me and supports any extra time that comes my
way.
I would have a hard time living with a spouse who resented my bio-kids
and I'm sure that's got to be giving you a sour taste. Perhaps it's time
to have a serious talk with your wife. If you lose your older kids
because of her, you'll never forgive her. You need to get the point
through her head that those kids are as important to you as your new
child is to her. Does she realize that this is the kind of thing that
breaks up a marriage?
Now, if your older kids have caused any of this, you might want to look
at that, also. But based on the posting I read from you, it sounds like
the blame falls to your second wife. You've not portrayed her in a very
favorable light. Hopefully, you can work this out.
Bambi
Mine: Joy's Mom :)
His: Chris and Taylor’s Step-Mom : {) :`)
Ours: Coming Summer 1997
Connie & John
Peter:
>Until last week, when my 17 years old son called his step mother's
>behavior "obnoxious". I had to agree with him. The scene that followed
>was a BIG BANG with flying plates of food, hurtful insults, crying
>babies, and, ultimately, a promise by my son that he'll never set foot
>in my house again.
>
I don't know what your wife has done, only that your son said she is
obnoxious and that you agreed with him. Since all I have is what
you've written, all I can say is:
I don't think you and your son should have shown your wife such
DISRESPECT in her own home.
Taking care of two teenagers for 1/2 the month is no easy task and it
becomes a great deal harder when the children are not yours and if
they are disrespectful . . . if their father condones their behaviour,
multiply the difficulty by 100.
This weekend, I had a 17 year old and a 15 year old here. It was a
very nice weekend. Mind you, if either one of them called me a name,
there'd be hell to pay.
Connie
rbran...@aol.com
Peter,
Am confused about a few things. Or maybe not. Are you saying
that you and your wife have not talked about this before now? And
you 'verbally' agreed with your son's 'obnoxious' comment?
In article <32FF56...@yale.edu>, Peter O'Connell
<Peter.O...@yale.edu> writes:
>Four years ago, I married my second wife. We have a healthy, joyous 2
>1/2 year old daughter.
>
>I've maintained close relationships with the two children from my first
>marriage, a girl now 16, and a boy now 17. Although the two older
>children live with their mother, they are around a lot, 14 evenings a
>months, with two weekend sleep overs.
>My second wife has been resentful of the time I devote to the children
>from my first marriage, and resentful of the extra work she perceives
>she has to to in caring for them. The resentful attitude has always
>been noticable, but sort of glossed over by the older kids.
'The extra work she perceives she has to do'? Even though your
children are older, there IS extra work I'm sure she has to do. My step-
children are in their early to late teens, too, and when they are here,
there are extra dishes, extra cooking, more laundry, more picking up,
etc. Yes, they do help out, but, yes, there is STILL extra stuff to do.
(I am in no way saying she is justified in feeling resentful. IMO, she
married you knowing you had these kids and the extra work is part
of the bargain.)
>Until last week, when my 17 years old son called his step mother's
>behavior "obnoxious". I had to agree with him. The scene that followed
>was a BIG BANG with flying plates of food, hurtful insults, crying
>babies, and, ultimately, a promise by my son that he'll never set foot
>in my house again.
>
>I'm heart sick about matters, and would appreciate any feedback.
I'm not real sure WHAT you're heart sick over. The fact that your son
is not coming back? The fact that your wife is probably very upset too?
Both? If I'm reading this wrong, please excuse me, but it sounds as if
your son was disrespectful to your wife, you agreed with him (maybe
verbally, but if not sounds as if your wife could tell you agreed with
him,)
they argued, and he left.
Peter, from what little you posted, it sounds as if for years your
children have not felt welcome in your house, and, now that your son
is reaching 'adulthood', he made a stand. I think I would get tired of
being resented for four years. But, then again, if I was your wife and
my stepson called me or my behavior obnoxious, I would hope that
my husband would stand up for me (even if he DID agree).
To me (and, again, if I get this wrong, I'm sorry. I'm trying to read
between the lines here), it sounds as if for four years your wife has
'resented' having your children over, you have (at least tacitly) agreed
with your children about your wife's attitude, and now it has all blown
up. It doesn't sound as if you understand what your wife's feelings
about all of this are. DOES she have valid reasons to feel resentful?
WHY does she feel that way? Do you help her out when the kids
are over? Is she included in what you three do? Do the kids help out?
Sounds as if counseling would be of a benefit, or even just everyone
sitting down and talking. It might be a good idea for you and your
wife to talk about what has been going on for the last four years and
for you to try to understand WHY she is so resentful first.
Good luck
Tracey
Lyn
Connie & John wrote:
>
> Peter:
>
> >Until last week, when my 17 years old son called his step mother's
> >behavior "obnoxious". I had to agree with him. The scene that followed
> >was a BIG BANG with flying plates of food, hurtful insults, crying
> >babies, and, ultimately, a promise by my son that he'll never set foot
> >in my house again.
> >
>
> obnoxious and that you agreed with him. Since all I have is what
> you've written, all I can say is:
>
> I don't think you and your son should have shown your wife such
> DISRESPECT in her own home.
>
> Taking care of two teenagers for 1/2 the month is no easy task and it
> becomes a great deal harder when the children are not yours and if
> they are disrespectful . . . if their father condones their behaviour,
> multiply the difficulty by 100.
>
> This weekend, I had a 17 year old and a 15 year old here. It was a
> very nice weekend. Mind you, if either one of them called me a name,
> there'd be hell to pay.
>
> Connie
I never saw the original post, but can read between the lines too that
I'll bet there is a lot more going on in that household than meets the
eye. I would bet that this step-mother thinks her stepson is "obnoxious"
and probably has some good examples. Maybe they are both "obnoxious".
Anyway, I have been called plenty of names by my step-kids..obnoxious
would be a gentle one. And I *know* that I'm not this awful person. They
have all kinds of issues about me that I have never been able to solve.
Their father used to deal with the name calling by sending them to their
rooms for 5 minutes. Nothing he did ever worked and his response was
that he couldn't *make* them do (or not do) things. Truth is he felt
guilty and powerless and we have all suffered for it. It happens less
these days because I finally have flipped out enough times after it
happens.
Yes, I have hit the ceiling after being pushed over the line one too
many times, not just for namecalling but for whatever difficult
interaction we have going on...pretty obnoxious of me. So maybe the
stepmom was being the more obnoxious one at this particular time so the
husband agreed with his son, but I'll bet that there have been other
times when the son was obnoxious. Did you agree with her then? Did you
support her? That would possibly have headed this off at the pass.
If your wife is truly an obnoxious person all the time around your kids
from your previous marriage, then it is your job to find out why. It
sounds like things are OK with your child together and she's not
generally obnoxious in your life together. Then it has to do with the
dynamics and the pressures and the problems associated with
step-parenting & blaming her for it will get you nowhere.
Lyn
Pam Jennings
> from my first marriage, and resentful of the extra work she perceives
> she has to to in caring for them. The resentful attitude has always
> been noticable, but sort of glossed over by the older kids.
>
> behavior "obnoxious". I had to agree with him. The scene that followed
> was a BIG BANG with flying plates of food, hurtful insults, crying
> babies, and, ultimately, a promise by my son that he'll never set foot
> in my house again.
Hi Peter-
As an experienced step-mother, I have to respond to your letter. I hope
you can receive this in the spirit in which it's intended, because I am
trying to be helpful.
First, if you haven't been a step-parent, it's tough to understand how
stressful it can be. Second, I have no doubt in my mind that there is
plenty of extra work involved in having two teenagers in the house for
14 evenings a month, and that it's not just "perceived extra work".
Third, resentments that laid low when you were first married may be
showing up more now that you have a toddler to complicate the situation.
(Involving extra time you both need to care for your young daughter, and
possibly some resentment that your wife and baby have to share your
attention so much of the time.)
In no way would I suggest that your teenagers should not be an important
part of your life (and of hers - she married you knowing that you had
children from a previous marriage). What I would suggest though, is
that this if this is the woman with whom you plan to spend the rest of
your life (and with whom you have to raise your youngest), you could
only benefit from trying to understand her point of view.
If you and your son have agreed from the beginning that your new wife
is behaving obnoxiously, then chances are she's picked up on that attitude
and feels like the enemy. This won't contribute to any positive communication.
Let her know that you want to hear about what she's feeling, and why
(when the other kids are not there), and that you want to communicate
so that everyone can feel happier being in the house together. You don't
mention how long you've been married, but this would have been a huge adjustment
for her at any time period.
I'd be happy to talk further about this if you're interested. Mind you
I know that I don't know the whole situation, and she may very well have
been in the wrong (and probably was, at least partially) but these things
are rarely one-sided, and the step-parent's side isn't an easy one to
be on. We spend a lot of time feeling like the enemy (but having a
very supportive husband has been my life-saver).
Best wishes!
- Pam
I guess that what I would sum
K. Doughty
>We married each
>other with the understanding there were children on both sides that were
>top priority.
Do you mean that the children come before your marriage? Is that how most
readers of this group have arranged their lives?
No disrespect, just curiosity.
SpunkyGrl
That wasn't the way it was in my parents marriage.... they came first.
That is probably why they had such an intensely love filled marriage - or
so it seemed to me.
On the other hand, as the child, I wondered why I didn't come first.....
This does not mean, of course that I was not very important to my parents.
I was loved and supported and they showed it frequently.
I actually think that people who put their marriages first are better off.
I think the kids are better off.
I could be wrong thos. ::shrug:::
Pat
stephanie gschwind <sgsc...@ezinfo.ucs.indiana.edu> wrote in article
<5dv63q$o...@dismay.ucs.indiana.edu>...
> I really think that the marriage is the foundation of the family.
> Everything else in the family depends on that structure--if it isn't
> sturdy, there will be consequences.
>
> Stephanie
>
> In article <19970213102...@ladder01.news.aol.com>,
Hi,
I agree...
I think families are healthier if the marriage is strong, and to do that
marriage has to be top priority.
I grew up in a family were this was true, and I as a child never felt I
should come first; My Dad always ask my Mom before they decide anything,
and so did my Mom to my Dad. They always help up each other to represent
their roles as head of the family, and they always formed a solid front
backing up eachother. And we kids felt more secure and happy knowing that
our parents love eachother and respected eachother.
Besides when more than one kid is involve, how can you make all of them the
one that comes first, that is not possible, because each one of them is
individual. there is only one husband or wife, and that person will be
there always for you, your kids will find their own life and leave, and you
won't be first for them then.
With the relationship between kids and parent there is not such thing like
a marriage ceremony between husband and wife where a lot of promises are
involve.
That doesn't mean that kids wont be important at all; When the parents are
together they will want the well being of those kids, and it will be a goal
for both of them together to make sure of that.
Priority list is more a problem in stepfamilies. But it shouldn't be
different; it is even helpful for the stepkids to see a model of marriage
that won't fail as the first model that they had of their parents marriage
( if it ended in divorce). Some day they will marry somebody and they will
want to be top priority for their husbands or wives too.
When a men and a woman get married, they bring each individual world into
their marriage and mix them together, after a marriage has occurred, there
doesn't exist "mine" and "yours", because you suppose to marry the person
in whom you can trust, even something so precious as a kid. You marry
someone because that person is the most wonderful person you could have
found......if there is someone better......you should have married that
one.
Cass4Short
>>Do you mean that the children come before your marriage? Is that how
most
readers of this group have arranged their lives?
No disrespect, just curiosity.<<
Not in my marriage, they don't. The children and the marriage have equal
billing, and this arrangement works. My husband's kids and their needs
must always be considered. But after they go off to live their lives, we
will be left with each other, and that fact cannot be disregarded. I
never agreed to put my life on hold for the sake of kids.