VENT: *So **Incredibly** Tacky*/Its Mother's Day Gift Grab Time Again!
Geri and sometimes Brian
day-care to see how her day went. She has been with BM this week and he will
pick her up after work in a couple of hours.
The *first* thing she told him was that BM *told her* that we are supposed to
take her to get her (BM) a mother's day gift. (Gee, no wonder SD is having a
hard time learning the lesson we have been trying to teach her that it is not
polite to ask for presents.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am torn between feeling kind of sorry for such a pathetic loser that she has
to try to manipulate us into buying her a gift through her child, (Sad, sad,
sad.) and anger that she has put us in this position. I would *not* use a
penny of our money for this, but unfortunately SD has some money in her
"treasure jar" from good days at school and the tooth fairy. So, it feels to
me like BM is basically ripping SD off.
Brian initially thought that we should do it, even though it was not SD's idea,
but I told him that we have a few days to think this over. I am so against
rewarding BM for this sick behavior. My idea is that, since she goes back to
her mom on Friday, we give her five of her dollars and send it back with her.
If BM wants a present, she has two days to take SD to buy it for herself,
because that is really what is happening, one way or another. Grrr.
(I guess if Cal can call the SM "Melon-head", I can call BM "Moorilyn")
Geri
"I am my cat's mom."
WhansaMi
Geri, is BM's boyfriend still in the picture, or not?
Mike's ex did this too, the first two Mother's Days (and BM's b-day) after the
divorce. Mike did not take them to get the gifts. From his perspective, yes,
they needed someone to take them to get the gift, but, since she (and they)
were living with her boyfriend, there was someone readily available to do that.
Having said that, I always take my kids to get their dad Father's Day,
birthday, and Christmas presents, although, to my knowledge, he's never
suggested to them that I have to. Since he's never had a significant other...
well, I'm the only candidate. He's never given them money, or taken them to
get the presents for himself (or, come to think of it, for *me*.... I guess he
sees that as Mike's domain, which is just as well, since it is!).
I guess I'd look at it like this: if I was the only thing standing between the
kid having something for mom for Mother's Day or not, I'd do it... for the sake
of the kid.
Sheila
Geri and sometimes Brian
As far as we know.
> From his perspective, yes,
>they needed someone to take them to get the gift, but, since she (and they)
>were living with her boyfriend, there was someone readily available to do
>that.
Indeed.
>I guess I'd look at it like this: if I was the only thing standing between
>the
>kid having something for mom for Mother's Day or not, I'd do it... for the
>sake
>of the kid.
I was thinking that perhaps a good compromise on this might be to get SD some
art supplies and let her create a gift. After all, I am told that mommies love
those home-made gifts.
WhansaMi
>>the
>>kid having something for mom for Mother's Day or not, I'd do it... for the
>>sake
>>of the kid.
>
>I was thinking that perhaps a good compromise on this might be to get SD some
>art supplies and let her create a gift. After all, I am told that mommies
>love
>those home-made gifts.
>
>
>
>Geri
Geri, sounds like a great idea to me! :-)
Sheila
jane
>take her to get her (BM) a mother's day gift.
OMG! I completely forgot to take Lee to buy her SM a gift! She should be old
enough to remember by herself.
On your issue, I don't see that it's a huge deal. SD should be buying her
mother a gift from her savings. I don't see why she has to do it while she's
with you and Brian if she's going home next Friday, though.
jane
Geri and sometimes Brian
>mother a gift from her savings. I don't see why she has to do it while she's
>with you and Brian if she's going home next Friday, though.
What my problem with it is that I see BM basically extorting money from SD to
get a gift, one way or another. That is what it boils down to. I don't
believe for a minute that SD remembered herself about it, because SD can barely
remember what she had for lunch on any given day. (Example: the kids are
having open house this week (another *treat* - we get to see BM do her fake
mommy routine again) and according to her teacher they have been practicing
giving "tours" of their classroom so they can give them to the parents. I
asked SD about this and she didn't have any idea what I was talking about, even
with several "hints".) Plus, she told Brian that her mom told her to tell us.
(Gee, we have a court order about not passing messages through the child.)
What a lot of nerve she has. (She will probably take us to court if we don't
get her a gift!)
Audra
> The *first* thing she told him was that BM *told her* that we are supposed
to
> take her to get her (BM) a mother's day gift. (Gee, no wonder SD is
having a
> hard time learning the lesson we have been trying to teach her that it is
not
> polite to ask for presents.)
>
Ick. I'll never forget the first year I was with DH & SKs and we had to go
shopping to get an *Easter* present for mommy. Easter present? DH says she
loses it if every single holiday/event/milestone isn't commemorated with a
gift. Last weekend when SD and I were wandering around the mall looking for
something for my mom, I complained how difficult my mom is to buy for, and
SD said she didn't have that problem...BM gave them lists of stuff she'd
like. I suppose there's nothing wrong with that. It just rubs me the wrong
way, so I know how you feel.
That said, I'd help SD pick a little something for BM. Before SKs were old
enough to do it on their own, DH and I did it every Mother's Day, Christmas,
Easter, Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, Yom Kippur, Boxing Day, Flag Day,
Groundhog Day, etc. ;-) It's weird enough that their mother makes such
an issue out of it. I didn't want it to become an issue on our side too.
What do you think of mother's day, for you? SS has always sent me a card,
and the girls either call, send cards or ignore it completely. Whatever
happens, the whole thing makes me pretty uncomfortable. I know BM *hates*
any acknowledgement of me as anything other than the anti-Christ, so when I
do get something from them, I feel a little funny about it because I hate
that they have to sneak stuff by BM. But if I don't get anything, I have to
admit I feel slighted. I'm so complex! :-D
--
Audra
"There are always flowers for those who want to see them."
~ Henri Matisse
Durango Dave
A card.
Breakfast.
A gift certifcate for cleaning the kitchen.
It's the thought that counts, right? Reinforce this to SD. Then
reinforce it again. And don't spend a dime.
Then, if BM hits the roof because SD didn't buy her a present, SD can
repeat the thought that you reinforced:
It's the thought that counts.
Geri and sometimes Brian
>and the girls either call, send cards or ignore it completely.
If they make something in school or if Brian takes her out and gets something,
that is cool, but from her, not such a big deal to me, because she doesn't
remember stuff like this on her own.
OTOH, I do like it when when *Brian* gets me something special for the day,
because he appreciates what I do (or put up with) for SD. I know that is from
the heart.
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
sometimes Brian) wrote:
<snipped>
>>I guess I'd look at it like this: if I was the only thing standing between
>>the
>>kid having something for mom for Mother's Day or not, I'd do it... for the
>>sake
>>of the kid.
>
>I was thinking that perhaps a good compromise on this might be to get SD some
>art supplies and let her create a gift. After all, I am told that mommies love
>those home-made gifts.
>
Yeah, we do. On my desk, behind my keyboard, is a tea light holder
made for me by YD and a little pinch pot and lid that I *think* is an
incense burner made for me by YS. They brought them home from school
2 yrs ago for Mother's Day.
Kitten
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Courage, Real courage, is no quick fix. It doesn't come in a bottle
or a pill, It comes from discipline. From taking everything life
hands you and being your best either because of it or in spite of it.
-- Ty Murray
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Geri and sometimes Brian
>reinforce it again. And don't spend a dime.
>
>Then, if BM hits the roof because SD didn't buy her a present, SD can
>repeat the thought that you reinforced:
>
>It's the thought that counts
Great idea! :-)
Barb
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
news:20020503190133...@mb-fh.aol.com...
Geri, while I will agree that it was totally out of line for BM to tell SD
to tell you guys to get her a gift, I think that it would make SD feel good
to be able to give her mom something for mother's day. Perhaps instead of
buying something....talk with SD about making something from the
heart...that's what the holiday is about any way. I would rather have a
home made card and a kiss and hug from my DD's any day over something store
bought.
I understand that you are angry over BM unenforcing(hmm is that even a
word?? oh well, it fits) what you are trying to teach SD about asking for
gifts, but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and be the bigger
person.
Barb
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Barb
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
news:20020503190133...@mb-fh.aol.com...
I suppose that I should add that I do help make cards or take DD4 to pick
one out for her dad... and, if I'm not broke(ha ha) I will let her pick out
a gift for him. It's just something I consider to be in the best interest
for DD...just cause I wouldn't get him gifts any more, doesn't mean that she
should feel left out about it. And, I would do this with her if he had a SO
or not.
Vicki Robinson
<I suppose that I should add that I do help make cards or take DD4 to pick
<one out for her dad... and, if I'm not broke(ha ha) I will let her pick out
<a gift for him. It's just something I consider to be in the best interest
<for DD...just cause I wouldn't get him gifts any more, doesn't mean that she
<should feel left out about it. And, I would do this with her if he had a SO
<or not.
When I remarried, my ex told the kids that it was DH's job to take
them shopping for Mother's Day. The kids were outraged. I remember
my older daughter saying "*He's* the one who made you our mother,
*he's* the one that has to help us for Mother's Day! Paul had nothing
to do with it!" They made it very clear to him that he's their dad,
and it's his job to take them shopping for me for Mother's Day, Xmas,
birthday, or any other day that needs recognition. I take them
shopping for him, too, or I did until they were old enough to go
themselves, I don't leave it up to his SO. They're *my* kids, it's
not her job.
It's moot now, since they're 18 and 15, but they were very clear about
our parental responsibilities.
(Go figure, though, I'm the one who reminds them to get some flowers
or bath oil or something for their dad's SO on Mother's Day.)
Vicki
--
Family and Divorce Mediation Resources
http://xcski.com/~mediator/
jane
>repeat the thought that you reinforced:
>
>It's the thought that counts.
Yabbut. You really don't want to set SD up for her mother's anger that way.
jane
jane
>get a gift, one way or another. That is what it boils down to. I don't
>believe for a minute that SD remembered herself about it, because SD can
>barely
>remember what she had for lunch on any given day.
But you know, Geri, that's what people do with kids SD's age. In an intact
family you expect the father to do the reminding, but you can see why BM might
not trust Brian to do that in your situation. There's nothing wrong with the
kid spending her own money from her allowance or whatever.
I can see how you'd prefer not to take SD shopping. I see that it would be
more comfortable if SD had brought money from her other home. But I can't get
a handle on how you've gotten to the "extorting money" point. Didn't you guys
all go out and buy MD presents for your mother from your allowance?
jane
Geri and sometimes Brian
>a handle on how you've gotten to the "extorting money" point. Didn't you
>guys
>all go out and buy MD presents for your mother from your allowance?
Yes, but they my mom and dad were together. I think it would be appropriate for
BM's boyfriend or whatever he is to take SD out to buy a present, if that is
what *she* wants to do and not what BM wants her to do (if you see the
difference). I don't think it is appropriate for BM to ask SD to ask us to
take her out to buy herself a present. (Although I am considering maybe
something from the 99 cent store might do it.)
Geri
"I am my cat's mom."
http://www.legodeath.com/
(Fun with Legos.)
Geri and sometimes Brian
>word?? oh well, it fits) what you are trying to teach SD about asking for
>gifts, but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and be the bigger
>person.
I think we have bullets embedded in most of our teeth from all the biting.
I don't know - we have been talking over ways to handle this. One of them is to
just do nothing and gamble that SD forgets about it - a very real possiblity.
I cannot tell you how tempted I am to take five of SD's allowance dollars and
mail them to BM and write, "We understand you instructed SD to tell us to buy
you a MD gift. Enclosed please find five of her allowance dollars. You may
take her to yourself your own gift", so she knows she is busted. Part of me
wants to take SD over to the 99 cent store and buy some disgusting Eu de Slutte
toilet water or something equally tacky. At this point, I don't know how it
will turn out.
Since it is our custody week, last night when we were talking to SD, I told her
that the very best MD present she could possibly give her mom would be for her
to get *all* of her good behavior stamps at school during this week - that I am
sure her mom would be totally proud of her. ;-)
Geri
"I am my cat's mom."
http://www.legodeath.com/
(Fun with Legos.)
Geri and sometimes Brian
>take her to yourself your own gift", so she knows she is busted.
I just got home from work - I am tired. I didn't complete the sentence. I
meant, "You may take her to the store yourself to buy your own gift."
rebecca
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
news:20020503190133...@mb-fh.aol.com...
> The *first* thing she told him was that BM *told her* that we are supposed
to
> take her to get her (BM) a mother's day gift. (Gee, no wonder SD is
having a
> hard time learning the lesson we have been trying to teach her that it is
not
> polite to ask for presents.)
Geri -
1. Kids are not reliable communicators. I know you don't think SD would
remember on her own, but you're receiving her interpretation of whatever got
said.
2. BM doesn't sound like the type who won't mind if she gets nothing. So to
shield SD, you're going to have to come up with something.
3. Telling SD that mommy will consider it a present if she behaves is
setting up SD for disappointment. If BM is hellbent on a present, nothing
else will make her happy.
4. Crafts, woman. Get some posterboard - trace her arms and cut them out -
glue them into a homemade card that says "I love you this much" (stop
gagging, you know BM will love it.) Get a rock out of the garden and paint
it. Buy a plant at K-mart and paint the pot it comes in. When you're done,
sure, BM gets the present. But you get the memory.
Rebecca
Anne Robotti
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
> I don't think it is appropriate for BM to ask SD to ask us to
> take her out to buy herself a present. (Although I am considering maybe
> something from the 99 cent store might do it.)
Geri, you don't want to do that. Really. It's petty and beneath you.
I completely understand where you're coming from on this. Our BM has no SO,
no contact with her family, and loses close friends at an alarming rate.
There was *never* anybody else to take her to buy anything, and DH flatly
refused to "spend one cent of our hard-earned money on that bitch, let her
buy herself a present out of the fucking money she stole from me."
I hated her too, but more than that I hated the thought of SD not having
something for her Mom on mother's day. It's such a special day. You can hurl
if you want, but it is. And if nobody else is going to do it, think of it as
something you guys can do for SD. Because wherever the suggestion came from,
now she wants to get her Mom something.
You can choose to do it or not do it, but if you're going to do it please
really do it. Don't use a mother's day gift to make a point, you'll hate
yourself in the morning.
I saw that somebody said to have SD make something and if her mother gets
angry to tell her what to say. FWIW, I think that's a piss-poor idea. If
there's really a chance that her mother might say something that will hurt
SD's feelings, take her and buy something. Really. Chuck hurt SD's feelings
once over a father's day present, and it was a disgusting spectacle. She
still remembers it.
Anne
Geri and sometimes Brian
>glue them into a homemade card that says "I love you this much" (stop
>gagging, you know BM will love it.) Get a rock out of the garden and paint
>it. Buy a plant at K-mart and paint the pot it comes in. When you're done,
>sure, BM gets the present. But you get the memory.
Will you come and do this? :-) I am so uncrafty. I can play Barbies or
Polly Pockets or do the Easy Bake Oven or Creepy Crawlers or go shopping.
Crafts are not my gig. (My sister gave SD this crafty thing that she thought
SD and I could work on together for Christmas - I still have not opened the
box.)
I don't know, Rebecca - the more Brian and I have been talking about it the
more we are thinking that BM should have given her SO this assignment and that
we are going to leave it to him. We have never acknowledged Mother's Day to
her before, so I am not sure why we should start now when it isn't (or should
not be) our job.
.
Geri and sometimes Brian
>really do it. Don't use a mother's day gift to make a point, you'll hate
>yourself in the morning.
I guess for now I am still so ticked off about the whole thing I have to bitch
about it for a while. We have a few days to decide exactly how to or not to
handle it.
rkbose
>
> Since it is our custody week, last night when we were talking to SD, I told her
> that the very best MD present she could possibly give her mom would be for her
> to get *all* of her good behavior stamps at school during this week - that I am
> sure her mom would be totally proud of her. ;-)
But would she? If SD did do it for her mother, tried extra hard, and
said, "Mom, this is your mother's day present!" -- and Mom *looked*
disappointed (not even if she said something) -- wouldn't that be
setting SD up for a disappointment? And maybe the feeling that good
behaviour stamps weren't worth having?
Mother's Day isn't so much about Mothers as about daughters and sons.
It's important that the kid feel that whatever she does is valued and
appreciated. One would think that a parent would make the kid feel this
about any present at all, but many don't. And it sounds like your BM is
one such.
Rupa
Anne Robotti
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
> >You can choose to do it or not do it, but if you're going to do it please
> >really do it. Don't use a mother's day gift to make a point, you'll hate
> >yourself in the morning.
>
> I guess for now I am still so ticked off about the whole thing I have to
bitch
> about it for a while. We have a few days to decide exactly how to or not
to
> handle it.
>
Right, exactly. Bitch to me girlfriend, I have SO been there! And FWIW I'm
in complete agreement with you about how you feel.
Anne
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
sometimes Brian) wrote:
<snipped>
>I don't know, Rebecca - the more Brian and I have been talking about it the
>more we are thinking that BM should have given her SO this assignment and that
>we are going to leave it to him. We have never acknowledged Mother's Day to
>her before, so I am not sure why we should start now when it isn't (or should
>not be) our job.
>.
Because if you do it, you are doing if for SD. Not for BM. For SD.
Barb
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
> Since it is our custody week, last night when we were talking to SD, I
told her
> that the very best MD present she could possibly give her mom would be for
her
> to get *all* of her good behavior stamps at school during this week - that
I am
> sure her mom would be totally proud of her. ;-)
>
> Geri
> "I am my cat's mom."
>
> http://www.legodeath.com/
> (Fun with Legos.)
>
You would be setting SD up for a huge fall with that. I really do hope that
you guys decide to either have SD make something or take her to buy
something....otherwise, there is going to be guaranteed to be some
disappointment for SD when she sees how disappointed her mom is. Just keep
telling yourself it's for the child..it's for the child...it's for the
child...
rebecca
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
> >4. Crafts, woman. Get some posterboard - trace her arms and cut them
out -
> >glue them into a homemade card that says "I love you this much" (stop
> >gagging, you know BM will love it.) Get a rock out of the garden and
paint
> >it. Buy a plant at K-mart and paint the pot it comes in. When you're
done,
> >sure, BM gets the present. But you get the memory.
>
> Will you come and do this? :-) I am so uncrafty. I can play Barbies or
> Polly Pockets or do the Easy Bake Oven or Creepy Crawlers or go shopping.
> Crafts are not my gig. (My sister gave SD this crafty thing that she
thought
> SD and I could work on together for Christmas - I still have not opened
the
> box.)
Oh, see, the doll thing? Not me. I'm so grateful I have a step-SON. He
screams and runs if even go near the doll row at the toy store. I vote
painting, then - you don't have to do much, just supply the paper and
paints. Even fingerpainting, tho SD is a little old now for that. Cut
sponges into shapes (potatoes work too) - she can dip and stamp the paper if
nothing else. Buy a cheap frame at the drug store, frame and wrap it. Grab
a cup of tea and chat with her while she paints.
On the BM side, SS says to me the other day "I sure do have an artsy
stepmom!" in exactly the cadence I could hear his mom saying it. And it
still makes me giggle that the Valentine he made her - um, well let's just
say, he didn't exactly make it, exactly. LOL. She hung it on her fridge.
Shhhhhhhhhh, no one tell, she'd be horrified. But SS was glowing when I
said he could give it to her.
Oh, another idea - bake cookies - let SD decorate 4 or 5 to take to her mom,
put 'em in a shiny tin. Let's see, what else have we done? 4X6 frame at
the drug store - $5 - paint it. Put a picture in it or send it over empty,
even. If you're feeling snarky, put a really happy candid of SD (while she
was with you guys of course) in it. If BM's really a bitch, it will kill
her. If she's not, she won't care.
We actually bought for Christmas, just took SS to the mall and gave him a
dollar limit. He picked some nice stuff - for a boy, he's a good shopper.
Every time he wandered toward the jewelry counter, we asked him how he was
going to pay for it.
Now - as for giving BM's SO the assignment, there's nothing wrong with that,
but I do think
1. Brian should let her know in advance - "Geri and I will take care of SD's
gifts for us, we assume you and SO are planning to do the same."
2. If SD continues to ask Brian/you, you may have to just suck it up and do
it. No matter what the situation with BM as a person, you do still want SD
to respect the position of "mother". Plus it's a really easy thing Brian
can do to show SD that her feelings for her mom are important to him. She's
not old enough yet to understand the complexities, I think. When and if she
comes to the conclusion that her mom's an idiot, you don't even want to be
in the *country*. This is something she's going to have to come to terms
with without you.
Rebecca
Geri and sometimes Brian
>but I do think
>
>1. Brian should let her know in advance - "Geri and I will take care of SD's
>gifts for us, we assume you and SO are planning to do the same."
>
You know, that is the weird thing. We have *never* bought gifts for the other
side, even from SD. It has never come up, never been an issue, and I know I
would not want SD to have her BM take her to get anything for us. (shudder) I
don't know why, all of a sudden, this is an issue now. Her other kids don't
get her MD gifts - in fact, from what SD tells us, they never even hear from
the oldest any more. I am completely puzzled why out of the blue BM would want
us to have SD get her a gift. (Unless she is trying to impress the new BF.)
Jennaii
>Part of me
>wants to take SD over to the 99 cent store and buy some disgusting Eu de
>Slutte
>toilet water or something equally tacky
I saw the perfect thing at a gag gift store: A doormat with the message "GO
AWAY!"
(Just kidding Geri.... JUST KIDDING.... put the car keys DOWN....)
"This time: gonna do it RIGHT!" -- Bob Seger
Jennaii
Geri and sometimes Brian
>AWAY!"
>(Just kidding Geri.... JUST KIDDING.... put the car keys DOWN....)
ROFL! You know, when I lived in Kansas City, I used to have that doormat.
(Really!) I got it at Kirkland's. I thought it was hilarious! I would
probably still have it, but the letters eventually faded out.
Barb
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
There's a store called Kirklands's?!?! /shudder/ that's my mom's first
hubby's name...didnt' know it was all that common
Geri and sometimes Brian
>hubby's name...didnt' know it was all that common
It is a chain. They have inexpensive decorative thingys They used to have a
web site, too.
www.kirklands.com
Kathy Cole
Brian) wrote:
> You know, that is the weird thing. We have *never* bought gifts
> for the other side, even from SD. It has never come up, never
> been an issue, and I know I would not want SD to have her BM take
> her to get anything for us. (shudder)
That's probably why you're so freaked out about it :). I'll agree with
the others who suggested you should send SD with a gift, just to protect
her from hurt feelings in case her mom is a dolt, which seems likely.
> I am completely puzzled why out of the blue BM would want us to
> have SD get her a gift. (Unless she is trying to impress the new
> BF.)
That seems very plausible.
Mona
'sale'. they asked parents to send in things that the kids could buy for
siblings and parents. Stuff like bath salts, inexpensive stuff. they gave
them fake $$. The sale was done for the 2nd grade b/c they were also
learning about the value of money. Naturally my ss bought stuff from
himself. Nothing for his father (never mind me). so I told him how selfish
he was and made him come up with a craft idea to make a gift for his father.
Now his father didn't think thing one about helping ss make a gift (or take
him to the store for a gift for me). And even though I'm the only mother my
ss has (his bio mom is dead), I doubt that I'll get a mother's day gift.
Unless its from my mom .. for being a stepmom and currently being preggo.
I don't think your sd should spend her $$ on a gift, but let her pick out
and pay for a nice card. I do know that sometimes kids need reminding of
holidays like mother's/father's day but the bm should not have told her she
was expecting a gift.
Monica
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
news:20020503194130...@mb-fw.aol.com...
> >Geri, is BM's boyfriend still in the picture, or not?
>
> As far as we know.
>
> > From his perspective, yes,
> >they needed someone to take them to get the gift, but, since she (and
they)
> >were living with her boyfriend, there was someone readily available to do
> >that.
>
> Indeed.
>
> >I guess I'd look at it like this: if I was the only thing standing
between
> >the
> >kid having something for mom for Mother's Day or not, I'd do it... for
the
> >sake
> >of the kid.
>
> I was thinking that perhaps a good compromise on this might be to get SD
some
> art supplies and let her create a gift. After all, I am told that mommies
love
> those home-made gifts.
>
>
>
Deborah M Riel
rebecca <justre...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>4. Crafts, woman. Get some posterboard - trace her arms and cut them out -
>glue them into a homemade card that says "I love you this much" (stop
>gagging, you know BM will love it.) Get a rock out of the garden and paint
>it. Buy a plant at K-mart and paint the pot it comes in. When you're done,
>sure, BM gets the present. But you get the memory.
>
>Rebecca
Fimo or Sculpey is great stuff for presents. It's a lot of fun to
use, and with some stick on magnets you can make wonderful
refrigerator magnets. Or you can make great little picture frames, or
just about whatever your imagination can handle. You (SD) can make
beads for earrings or a necklace, or just a silly figurine for a
shelf. It's the best stuff, really! It's also great just to have
around for school projects like those shoebox diaoramas that kids are
always having to make. I like to play with it, too :-)
Y'know, I didn't have a friendly divorce from my ex, but I'd never let
Father's Day, or birthday, or Christmas go by without being sure that
my son had something for his dad. It's the right thing to do. I also
make sure he has something for his SM. I've sent my son with cakes
that he's made, or bookmarks, or homemade Christmas decorations. I've
also provided the money for presents that he's wanted to buy for his
dad. I've even shopped for his SM's present, *and* returned it when
it wasn't the right size. My Ex doesn't forget me either, so it goes
both ways. We were so acrimonious towards each other 6 years ago, and
could barely speak to each other without fighting, but we always kept
up these social touches and now we are somewhat distant, but on decent
terms. I think all these things have helped to get us there.
I'm sure anyone who has read any of my posts knows by now that my son has
several of the same problems
that Geri's SD has, and has a tendency to forget things. He can also be
a tad self-centered. I don't think it's out of line to remind him of
ways to be kind to other people in his family--I am not above
reminding him to remember me on Mother's Day! I have reminded him, and
if he now forgets, it will bother me. These are lessons he
needs to learn--that there are special days for other people and he
should do something to recognize them, and one of my parental jobs is
to teach him. I *do* however, insist
that whatever he does comes from the heart. It doesn't have to be
store-bought, but it has to come from his heart.
I don't know where all this is going, maybe I'm just rambling at this
point. I guess my point is that it's not *necessarily* a bad thing
for a mother to remind her child that mother's day is coming up. And
it's not really weird to make sure a parent or SP isn't forgotten. I
think these are just kind of normal things we do with kids and split
families.
Deb
Geri and sometimes Brian
>holidays like mother's/father's day but the bm should not have told her she
>was expecting a gift.
We have been letting this just sit for now. Our plan for the moment is to do
nothing and see if SD even remembers about it.
I guess one of our problems with this gift for someone in the other house idea
is that it may crack a door we don't want opened at all. We have tried to keep
clearly defined boundaries between the households. In the past any time
blurring of these boundaries has been allowed to take place, the result has
never been good. So we have been pretty stringent about this (to a point that
maybe outsiders would have difficulty understanding). If we would do *this*
gift, then it may be expected that we will have to do Christmas, birthday and
other gifts for the other household people.
I believe that it is the responsiblity of the people in their house to handle
those things with SD, as they are not our family. She has an adult brother (who
lives in his mom's house with his girfriend(!!!!) as we recently found out -
peachy!), and a supposedly S2B stepfather who could take her.
Also, and this is kind of quibbley, but still kind of a thorn, AFAIC. I don't
know if SD gets an allowance at the other house. SD gets a quarters for each
school good behavior stamp at our house (six possible each day). Plus my mom
and dad send SD money in Valentine's cards, Easter cards, etc. and she has some
money from Brian's mom, too, as well as all her fives from the tooth fairy.
So, she has a few bucks amassed in her treasure jar at our house. If she
doesn't get any kind of allowance at her other house, it seems kind of unfair
for her mom to expect her to use her own money to buy her a gift - although
quite frankly, as long as she gets something, I don't think she cares.
I also don't know why this is an issue with BM anyway. Brian says that as long
as he has known her, her other children never remembered the day.
Geri
"I am my cat's mom."
http://www.legodeath.com/
(Fun with Legos.)
Geri and sometimes Brian
>Father's Day, or birthday, or Christmas go by without being sure that
>my son had something for his dad.
That is really nice if you like to have it structured that way. I think that
can work for some households, and that is great.
We would *not* want BM to do this for us. We don't see it as her place or her
responsibility to do these things for anyone in our family and we don't feel it
is our place to do it for anyone in hers. I take SD to buy gifts for Brian and
he takes her to buy gifts for me.
jane
>him to the store for a gift for me). And even though I'm the only mother my
>ss has (his bio mom is dead), I doubt that I'll get a mother's day gift.
This is a problem you have to take up with your DH. It's his job to make sure
SS knows what to do. It's your job to make sure that DH knows that you want
this.
jane
>Monica
Mika
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
> >I do know that sometimes kids need reminding of
> >holidays like mother's/father's day but the bm should not have told her
she
> >was expecting a gift.
>
> We have been letting this just sit for now. Our plan for the moment is to
do
> nothing and see if SD even remembers about it.
>
> I guess one of our problems with this gift for someone in the other house
idea
> is that it may crack a door we don't want opened at all. We have tried to
keep
> clearly defined boundaries between the households. In the past any time
> blurring of these boundaries has been allowed to take place, the result
has
> never been good. So we have been pretty stringent about this (to a point
that
> maybe outsiders would have difficulty understanding). If we would do
*this*
> gift, then it may be expected that we will have to do Christmas, birthday
and
> other gifts for the other household people.
Geri this is one of the problems I've been pondering in the whole situation.
I just didn't know how to word it the way you did. I agree that it may be a
door that you don't want to open. I understand what everyone says about
"Doing it for SD" and I agree with that too. But at the same time, what
seems like the best thing for the kid at the moment can do more damage in
the long run. I guess I'm big on looking at the long range effects. Not just
what will happen today.
Like you said, if you get a gift this time, the next time she will expect
more and the time after that and so on and who else is she gonna add to the
list. Then when you get fed up with her bs and stop, it will hurt SD more
than if you just don't start it in the first place.
Personally, I wouldn't spend a dime on a gift for BM. Not that I am trying
to be selfish but when it comes to money, you have to draw the line
somewhere. And regardless of what you were to buy, BM would probably hate
it, SD would see that in her face and would be upset. So why not just leave
it alone, let it pass, and if BM has the nerve to bring it up and upset SD,
chances are SD will not be upset for very long since she has trouble
remembering things anyway.
<snipped>
> Also, and this is kind of quibbley, but still kind of a thorn, AFAIC. I
don't
> know if SD gets an allowance at the other house. SD gets a quarters for
each
> school good behavior stamp at our house (six possible each day). Plus my
mom
> and dad send SD money in Valentine's cards, Easter cards, etc. and she has
some
> money from Brian's mom, too, as well as all her fives from the tooth
fairy.
> So, she has a few bucks amassed in her treasure jar at our house. If she
> doesn't get any kind of allowance at her other house, it seems kind of
unfair
> for her mom to expect her to use her own money to buy her a gift -
although
> quite frankly, as long as she gets something, I don't think she cares.
I especially wouldn't let or make her spend her allowance on a gift for BM.
That is money that she earned with you and Brian and received from people
totally not connected to BM. They shouldn't have to contribute to her
selfishness. That is money that SD should use and enjoy with you and Brian.
I agree with making a card or pet rock or something like that.
I guess money is just a touchy subject with me right now. Can't imagine
why!!! :-)
Mika
Amy Lou
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
>
> We would *not* want BM to do this for us. We don't see it as her place or
her
> responsibility to do these things for anyone in our family and we don't
feel it
> is our place to do it for anyone in hers. I take SD to buy gifts for
Brian and
> he takes her to buy gifts for me.
Geri, you seem very clear on this point. For what its worth I think it
sounds perfectly reasonable, and you said before that you have never helped
SD buy presents for the other households before so why start now. Instead of
just leaving it would it be possible for you or Brian to communicate your
thoughts on the subject to BM? A simple non blaming statement like "SD told
us we were supposed to help her get a mothers day gift for you. Dont know if
you are aware of this or not but anyway we prefer our existing arrangement
of leaving gifts to the families." This way you are putting the
responsibiliy back to BM and SD will be cleared of blame if BM ends up with
no pressy.
Amy
Geri and sometimes Brian
>just leaving it would it be possible for you or Brian to communicate your
>thoughts on the subject to BM? A simple non blaming statement like "SD told
>us we were supposed to help her get a mothers day gift for you. Dont know if
>you are aware of this or not but anyway we prefer our existing arrangement
>of leaving gifts to the families." This way you are putting the
>responsibiliy back to BM and SD will be cleared of blame if BM ends up with
>no pressy.
We have kind of pondered this. It is so tricky trying to communicate with BM
even as neutrally as possible. (Example: BM scheduled SD's next psychiatrist
appointment at a time she *knows* we have trouble making. Instead of getting
snarky about it, we left her a message telling her we would have trouble with
the time and asking if she could please (we said please twice) change it to
even half an hour later. We got not one, but three nasty messages stating she
was unwilling to do it. Today when I called over to the doctor's office just
to see if they had any other dates or times available, I was informed that BM
had called over first thing this AM and instructed them that the appointment
should not be cancelled without the consent of both parents. We are not the
ones who cancel appointments!) Anyway, back to the original point, we may
still talk some more about communicating this to BM if we can figure out a way
to do it without her getting defensive.
Kathleen
I would just *so* like to wring her neck, Geri. Must be my attitude
tonight. ;-)
With hope and heart,
Kathleen
Geri and sometimes Brian
>tonight. ;-)
Uck. Just got off the phone with her. I would like to join the neck wringing
club. At least we were able to get the appointment changed, but she had to
argue and argue first - even though the date we wanted to change it to was
acceptable to her and the time was on our custody time, so the only schedule it
disrupts is ours. Sheesh!
Jennaii
>responsibiliy back to BM and SD will be cleared of blame if BM ends up with
>no pressy.
>Amy
I agree. This way BM knows *exactly* what to expect. SD is cleared. And you
have made a firm stand on future "present" days.
rebecca
"Mika" <tajma...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:YLDB8.1490$Jk....@newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net...
> I especially wouldn't let or make her spend her allowance on a gift for
BM.
> That is money that she earned with you and Brian and received from people
> totally not connected to BM. They shouldn't have to contribute to her
> selfishness. That is money that SD should use and enjoy with you and
Brian.
> I agree with making a card or pet rock or something like that.
Couldn't disagree with you more. It's either SD's money, or it's Geri and
Brian's money. If there are rules about how much of it can be spent (like,
you have to save 1/4 of everything in your bank account) those rules should
apply. But any money which is SD's choice to spend, she should get to spend
on what she wants, even if it's on her mom.
Mika, I think your bitterness about the travel expense fiasco is coloring
your perceptions here. If Geri and Brian don't want to help with gifts, and
passively "forget" to help, well, that's one thing. To actively *prevent*
SD from getting a gift for her mother moves to active alienation.
rebecca
rebecca
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
> We have been letting this just sit for now. Our plan for the moment is to
do
> nothing and see if SD even remembers about it.
I think that's maybe workable. I do think you guys need to decide what to
do if SD continues to request your help. As for the BM thing, just send her
a note - "just wanted you to know that SD is concerned about who will help
her buy your mother's day gift. We assume/prefer that both homes will
continue to take care of gifts separately. Perhaps your bf/son would be
willing to assist SD."
If you don't want to crack the door, there's really nothing to talk about.
Just communicate the information.
> I also don't know why this is an issue with BM anyway. Brian says that as
long
> as he has known her, her other children never remembered the day.
Oh, that's easy~~
SD - "Mommy, mommy, Geri and daddy and I are having brunch on the Queen Mary
for mother's day, and then we're going to look around and play and daddy and
I got Geri a great big X for her mother's day present, can you believe it?
Won't that be so much fun?"
Rebecca
Geri and sometimes Brian
>long
>> as he has known her, her other children never remembered the day.
>
>Oh, that's easy~~
>
>SD - "Mommy, mommy, Geri and daddy and I are having brunch on the Queen Mary
>for mother's day, and then we're going to look around and play and daddy and
>I got Geri a great big X for her mother's day present, can you believe it?
>Won't that be so much fun?"
>
hasn't told her the X because she can't keep secrets very well. SD will be
with BM on MD, so she won't get to go for the brunch, though. I am not sure
how much she rats us out on activities, etc., at her mom's house. I think she
has/is learning discretion about stuff like that, at least to a point. (She
didn't want to say in front of her mom that her GirlBot was her favorite
Christmas gift to her doctor, so she whispered it in his ear.) OTOH, she is
also probably at the point where if she tells her mom that at our house we did
such-and-such, she knows her mom will try to top it.
I feel sorry for her. I think she is a good kid born into a bad situation.
rebecca
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
> I feel sorry for her. I think she is a good kid born into a bad
situation.
Oh, yep, I have that t-shirt. It's a personal challenge of mine not to
accommodate SS beyond reason because of his life circumstance. It is what
it is and he has to learn that not everyone in the world is going to wrap
themselves into knots about it to "fix" things for him.
Rebecca
Geri and sometimes Brian
>accommodate SS beyond reason because of his life circumstance. It is what
>it is and he has to learn that not everyone in the world is going to wrap
>themselves into knots about it to "fix" things for him.
My goal is just to treat SD like a regular kid, like she was here all the time
and basically try to be as normal a family as possible under the circumstances.
We don't want her to use her medical problems as excuses or reasons for
special treatment.
Mika
"rebecca" <justre...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:UrUB8.1023$pc6.1...@newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net...
>
> "Mika" <tajma...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> news:YLDB8.1490$Jk....@newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net...
> > I especially wouldn't let or make her spend her allowance on a gift for
> BM.
> > That is money that she earned with you and Brian and received from
people
> > totally not connected to BM. They shouldn't have to contribute to her
> > selfishness. That is money that SD should use and enjoy with you and
> Brian.
> > I agree with making a card or pet rock or something like that.
>
> Couldn't disagree with you more. It's either SD's money, or it's Geri and
> Brian's money. If there are rules about how much of it can be spent
(like,
> you have to save 1/4 of everything in your bank account) those rules
should
> apply. But any money which is SD's choice to spend, she should get to
spend
> on what she wants, even if it's on her mom.
Then we will just disagree.
>
> Mika, I think your bitterness about the travel expense fiasco is coloring
> your perceptions here. If Geri and Brian don't want to help with gifts,
and
> passively "forget" to help, well, that's one thing. To actively *prevent*
> SD from getting a gift for her mother moves to active alienation.
And I couldn't disagree with you more. But I don't feel like getting into an
argument at the moment so I'm not going into the bitterness you presume I
have over the travel expense fiasco in this thread. Now if you go back up
and read what I posted you will see that I did NOT say anything about
actively *preventing* SD from getting BM a gift for MD. In fact, I did say
that I AGREE with making a card or a pet rock or something like that. A lot
of others have also suggested making something rather than spending money.
So why are you ripping me for saying the same thing?
Mika
jane
>>spend
>> on what she wants, even if it's on her mom.
>
>Then we will just disagree.
>
jane
>Mika
Didi
> Couldn't disagree with you more. It's either SD's money, or it's Geri and
Brian's money. If there are rules about how much of it can be spent (like,
you have to save 1/4 of everything in your bank account) those rules should
apply. But any money which is SD's choice to spend, she should get to spend
on what she wants, even if it's on her mom.
I agree with you, rebecca. If it's her money, and she chooses to spend some
of it on a gift for her mom, she should be allowed to do so *and* she should
be given lots of praise for thinking of someone else.......
--
Didi
Mother of 4, Step-mother of 1
"Children, perfection, and sanity. You can only have 2 out of 3."
Anonymous
rebecca
And I couldn't disagree with you more. But I don't feel like getting into
an
> argument at the moment so I'm not going into the bitterness you presume I
> have over the travel expense fiasco in this thread. Now if you go back up
> and read what I posted you will see that I did NOT say anything about
> actively *preventing* SD from getting BM a gift for MD. In fact, I did say
> that I AGREE with making a card or a pet rock or something like that. A
lot
> of others have also suggested making something rather than spending money.
> So why are you ripping me for saying the same thing?
Mika,
I'm not ripping you. I've already said I'm a big present maker instead of
buyer. And it gives me heebies to spend *my* money on a gift for BM. But
to tell the kid she can't spend *her* money on a present for her mom, but
she could buy - oh - a doll, or some candy, or whatever - sends entirely the
wrong message to her. First it's her money, then it's not. In fact, it's
*only* not her money if she decides to spend it on her mom.
The BM is obviously difficult, and if she's really demanding purchased
presents then she's selfish and immature. But you can't expect SD to
maturely understand that she's being restricted for her own good - the
message she gets is (a) SM and daddy don't like mommy (b) mommy isn't worth
spending money on and (c) it's not really her money, even though SM and
daddy say it is.
If you really felt strongly, or the gift was really inappropriate, you can
always try to redirect, but I think it's a really bad idea to forbid a child
to spend their own money to buy a gift for a parent.
rebecca
Geri and sometimes Brian
>maturely understand that she's being restricted for her own good - the
>message she gets is (a) SM and daddy don't like mommy (b) mommy isn't worth
>spending money on and (c) it's not really her money, even though SM and
>daddy say it is.
>
>If you really felt strongly, or the gift was really inappropriate, you can
>always try to redirect, but I think it's a really bad idea to forbid a child
>to spend their own money to buy a gift for a parent.
A. and B. are correct, but we are not telling SD that. :-)
Fortunately and interestingly, the topic has not come up again with SD since
she brought it up the first day. The idea was clearly planted. We are not
bringing it up.
The only problem I would have with SD spending her money on a gift (and we
would send a set amount to the other house so that someone there could take her
to purchase the gift) is that it is her money from this house, which seems kind
of wrong to spend on someone from the other house if she also has money at her
other house.
Yes, her money is her money, and if she pushed the gift idea, we would probably
do it as outlined above. However, when we (Brian and I) were both growing up
we were required to take some of our money and make a savings account with it,
and we were not allowed to waste all our money on frivolous things. I think we
will probably put at least some direction on how the money is going to be
spent/saved for SD.
rebecca
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
>
> The only problem I would have with SD spending her money on a gift (and we
> would send a set amount to the other house so that someone there could
take her
> to purchase the gift) is that it is her money from this house, which seems
kind
> of wrong to spend on someone from the other house if she also has money at
her
> other house.
Yeah, I know. Principle of the thing meets reality, though...
>
> Yes, her money is her money, and if she pushed the gift idea, we would
probably
> do it as outlined above. However, when we (Brian and I) were both growing
up
> we were required to take some of our money and make a savings account with
it,
> and we were not allowed to waste all our money on frivolous things. I
think we
> will probably put at least some direction on how the money is going to be
> spent/saved for SD.
Oh sure. SS has to save 1/4 of any money he receives from us/our
families/at our house. I wouldn't let him buy porn, liquor or cigarettes,
his money or not. Probably wouldn't let him buy 500 gumballs with his
$5.00. Might set a price *limit* on gifts - that's what we did at
Christmas, he had to buy x presents with y amount of money.
But I mean, that kind of stuff is about teaching kids to manage money. Not
about forbidding them to buy a present for someone they care about. That's
all I was reacting to.
rebecca
Geri and sometimes Brian
>about forbidding them to buy a present for someone they care about. That's
>all I was reacting to
Right. And probably would not do that, no matter how we might grit our teeth.
Mika
news:20020508111743...@mb-fw.aol.com...
This is exactly what I was talking about. In my original post, I was
strictly referring to your situation Geri. Not every situation in general.
Which I think was misconstrued just a bit.
>
> Yes, her money is her money, and if she pushed the gift idea, we would
probably
> do it as outlined above. However, when we (Brian and I) were both growing
up
> we were required to take some of our money and make a savings account with
it,
> and we were not allowed to waste all our money on frivolous things. I
think we
> will probably put at least some direction on how the money is going to be
> spent/saved for SD.
I think you have every right to and should direct how the money is spent or
saved.
Mika
Jennifer
> I feel sorry for her. I think she is a good kid born into a bad situation.
Try not to feel sorry for her, if you can...my SD was also a good kid born into a
bad situation, but we always remembered that feeling sorry for her would be the
most disastrous reaction. We concentrated on knowing she was/is a Good Kid, and
figured that, while her situation was unpleasant, it was a hell of a lot better
than the situations many other children are born into around the world.
If you put the pity aside and try to avoid letting SD wallow in it (as she gets
older), then you'll most likely end up with the core of what she is...a good kid
:-)
Jennifer
Geri and sometimes Brian
>gets
>older), then you'll most likely end up with the core of what she is...a good
>kid
>:-)
That is our goal. :-)
Mika
>
>
> But I mean, that kind of stuff is about teaching kids to manage money.
Not
> about forbidding them to buy a present for someone they care about.
That's
> all I was reacting to.
If it's handled properly, *redirecting* the focus away from buy a gift to
making a gift can also teach money management to, and won't come across as
*forbidding* them to spend *their* money. I never said they should *forbid*
her to spend her money in the way you're coming across.
Besides, you say in one post that it's wrong to forbid a kid to spend their
money they way they want, then turn around in another post and say that you
wouldn't allow your SS to spend *his* money on porn, liquor or cigarettes.
Is it *his* money to spend how he wants or is it *his* money to spend how
you direct him to spend it? Either it's his money or it's not, judging by
what you said to me in another post.
So tell me why Geri and Brian don't have the same option in saying how SD
can spend her money, regardless of whether it's for
porn/liquor/cigarettes/gumballs or BM? The fact is, in their situation, I
agree with Geri, that it probably won't be in the best interest of anyone
involved for them to let SD spend money on BM for a present. Especially
since SD hasn't mentioned it again. Why open a can of worms that doesn't
have to be opened? In my post I was strictly referring to their situation.
Not every situation in general.
Mika
Mika
"jane" <janel...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20020507224442...@mb-cc.aol.com...
Easy. If it's money SD earned/received on Geri and Brian's time or from
their family and friends, then Geri and Brian should be able to direct her
to spend her money in ways they deem appropriate. If spending it on BM is
not considered appropriate, then don't let her spend it on BM.
Mika
rebecca
"Mika" <tajma...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:uzfC8.991$Q76....@newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net...
> If it's handled properly, *redirecting* the focus away from buy a gift to
> making a gift can also teach money management to, and won't come across as
> *forbidding* them to spend *their* money. I never said they should
*forbid*
> her to spend her money in the way you're coming across.
>
Sorry, then, when you said in your original post:
"I especially wouldn't let or make her spend her allowance on a gift for
BM."
I must have misinterpreted, that sounds like forbidding to me.
> Besides, you say in one post that it's wrong to forbid a kid to spend
their
> money they way they want, then turn around in another post and say that
you
> wouldn't allow your SS to spend *his* money on porn, liquor or cigarettes.
> Is it *his* money to spend how he wants or is it *his* money to spend how
> you direct him to spend it? Either it's his money or it's not, judging by
> what you said to me in another post.
Because her mother doesn't fall into the same category as liquor, porn or
cigarettes. Those (for me personally) are items I choose not to promote,
allow or condone for minor children in my home. Putting mom on that list is
inappropriate, and sends the child a very bad message about the esteem in
which his mother is held in my home. There is a vast difference between
teaching a child appropriate money management skills, putting moral limits
on things they can purchase as minor children in your control, and
attempting to put a boundary on their relationship with a parent.
> So tell me why Geri and Brian don't have the same option in saying how SD
> can spend her money, regardless of whether it's for
> porn/liquor/cigarettes/gumballs or BM? The fact is, in their situation, I
> agree with Geri, that it probably won't be in the best interest of anyone
> involved for them to let SD spend money on BM for a present. Especially
> since SD hasn't mentioned it again. Why open a can of worms that doesn't
> have to be opened? In my post I was strictly referring to their situation.
> Not every situation in general.
Geri and Brian can fly naked to the moon, for all I care. ;0p There are
all kinds of things they can do to short-circuit the problem, including just
communicating to BM that they prefer to keep presents separate. But "the
principle of the thing" has a way of biting you in the butt when a young
child that you care deeply for is looking to you for help in not
disappointing his/her mother, and you don't have any faith that mom's mature
enough not to hold the kid responsible.
Sometimes you can be right and hold onto what you think should be, or you
can meet the emotional needs of the kid. But not both.
rebecca
rebecca
> The fact is, in their situation, I
> agree with Geri, that it probably won't be in the best interest of anyone
> involved for them to let SD spend money on BM for a present.
Can't resist one P.S.
That's not what she said. Geri said she and Brian are concerned about
opening doors between the homes that should stay shut, since no one gets
along.
Geri and sometimes Brian
>cigarettes.
Hmmmmm - I will have to think about that one. :-)
Geri and sometimes Brian
That sounds entertaining. :-)
rebecca
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
> >Because her mother doesn't fall into the same category as liquor, porn or
> >cigarettes.
>
> Hmmmmm - I will have to think about that one. :-)
>
Geri and sometimes Brian
>> >cigarettes.
>>
>> Hmmmmm - I will have to think about that one. :-)
>>
>LOL - I was resisting the joke, Geri, dang it.
>
Caroline
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
>
> I was thinking that perhaps a good compromise on this might be to get SD
some
> art supplies and let her create a gift. After all, I am told that mommies
love
> those home-made gifts.
>
That's what I would do, I may throw in few artistic ideas too, that's about
it.
Caroline
Caroline
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
> >You can choose to do it or not do it, but if you're going to do it please
> >really do it. Don't use a mother's day gift to make a point, you'll hate
> >yourself in the morning.
>
> I guess for now I am still so ticked off about the whole thing I have to
bitch
> about it for a while. We have a few days to decide exactly how to or not
to
> handle it.
Geri, I understand you completely, but how about let the SD make something
to her mom, then before she takes off to her mom's house for Mother's Day,
go with her and buy a dozen of roses :) that will do.
Caroline
> Geri
> "I am my cat's mom."
>
Geri and sometimes Brian
>to her mom, then before she takes off to her mom's house for Mother's Day,
>go with her and buy a dozen of roses :) that will do.
Actually, SD has had a nasty cough and low grade fever for the past couple of
days and has spent her days sleeping pretty much. We are taking her to the doc
tomorrow AM just to make sure it is just a viral thing. (Last night her mom
calledand when we gave SD the message, she (SD) said she didn't feel good
enough to talk on the phone.)
Anyway, if SD brings up the MD thing again, we will have her make a card or
something. I don't see roses happening, though. BM has a SO for that.
jane
>not considered appropriate, then don't let her spend it on BM.
>
>Mika
You just can't tell a kid that it's inapproriate to spend her money on a gift
for her mother. You just can't do that.
jane
jane
>can spend her money, regardless of whether it's for
>porn/liquor/cigarettes/gumballs or BM? The fact is, in their situation, I
>agree with Geri, that it probably won't be in the best interest of anyone
>involved for them to let SD spend money on BM for a present. Especially
>since SD hasn't mentioned it again. Why open a can of worms that doesn't
>have to be opened? In my post I was strictly referring to their situation.
>Not every situation in general.
>
>Mika
I *am* talking about every situation. It's never a good thing for a kid to
hear you lump pornography, cigarettes, liquor and her mother under the same
rubric like that. What possible basis could there be for that categorization
that will not hurt the child?
jane
Jennifer
Ice floes cracking...gates of Hell opening...yup, I agree with Jane :-D~
I know it's horrible having to watch your SK use the money you've given her to
spend on BM.
I know it seems tacky to ask your child for a Mother's Day gift (though I've done
it).
I know it seems like an opportunity to control a situation and keep BM from
getting what she wants.
I know the BM doesn't deserve to have SK spilling out her piggy bank for her.
But. You have to be the biggest person you can be. If you can't stand letting
SK use her own money, then give her a few dollars--you know it won't hurt you
financially!!--and take her to a Hallmark store to buy a card and little gift.
Geri, as far as opening doors, I get that. But we're talking about this time,
this year. I don't think it benefits anyone to look ahead and presume buying now
means buying gifts for every holiday for decades, lol. It's not like there's
some legal obligation to continue buying gifts. DH and I have never bought
anything for BM, but if we were in your situation, we'd help out SD if it would
make her feel good about having something to bring to her mom.
I think it makes you a bigger person, a better person, if you can put your
animosity aside and just do this for the SK.
Jennifer
>
Jennifer
> "Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
> news:20020503194130...@mb-fw.aol.com...
> >
> > I was thinking that perhaps a good compromise on this might be to get SD
> some
> > art supplies and let her create a gift. After all, I am told that mommies
> love
> > those home-made gifts.
> >
> That's what I would do, I may throw in few artistic ideas too, that's about
> it.
LOL. We do love those home-made gifts. I suck at crafts, but my DD3 just
brought me the lamest thing from preschool that I love :-D Here's the deal:
Egg carton piece for "vase."
Play-Doh inside egg carton piece as support for "flowers."
Pipe cleaner flower stems.
Flowers made of colored tissue paper.
Name on bottom.
There, a bee-yoo-tee-ful gift :-)
Jennifer
Barb
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
> >But you can't expect SD to
> >maturely understand that she's being restricted for her own good - the
> >message she gets is (a) SM and daddy don't like mommy (b) mommy isn't
worth
> >spending money on and (c) it's not really her money, even though SM and
> >daddy say it is.
> >
> >If you really felt strongly, or the gift was really inappropriate, you
can
> >always try to redirect, but I think it's a really bad idea to forbid a
child
> >to spend their own money to buy a gift for a parent.
>
> A. and B. are correct, but we are not telling SD that. :-)
>
> Fortunately and interestingly, the topic has not come up again with SD
since
> she brought it up the first day. The idea was clearly planted. We are
not
> bringing it up.
>
Geri...your SD has lots of problems that would lead to her forgetting about
it...again, I gotta say that you are setting SD up for a fall if you don't
step in here. Either help make something, let her buy something, or tell BM
that you are sending some money and that her SO should take SD to buy a
gift.
BM has made herself clear on this and from all you've said, she's not a big
enough person to overlook it if she doesn't get a gift of some kind. I know
you don't want to do anything for BM, and I don't blame you there at
all...but this really isn't for BM, it's for SD...
The situation completely sux and I'm sure you hate it, but IMO this is
something you and Brian have to take some responsiblity for at least for the
sake of SD's feelings.
Barb
Barb
"Jennifer" <gaz...@theironpig.com> wrote in message
news:3CD9DAC6...@theironpig.com...
Awweeee....I love it.... I have a bouquet of tissue paper flowers with pipe
cleaner stems on top of the hutch in my dresser in my bedroom from DD13 a
couple of years ago...ya know, it probably litterally cost maybe a dollar to
make...but it's the best darn thing in the world to me...
From the heart is much better than from the store.
Barb
Geri and sometimes Brian
>that you are sending some money and that her SO should take SD to buy a
>gift.
We talked it over again tonight. SD brought up again this afternoon that she
wished she was going to be here this weekend to go to the brunch, but not a
word about a gift for the other house. We decided that if she brings it up, we
will get her the stuff to make a card (if she feels up to it).
The other household personnel has two days before MD to take SD to get a gift.
We will make it clear to BM that we think the households should remain doing
their own thing in this department.
Deborah M Riel
Mika <tajma...@hotmail.com> wrote:
>So tell me why Geri and Brian don't have the same option in saying how SD
>can spend her money, regardless of whether it's for
>porn/liquor/cigarettes/gumballs or BM? The fact is, in their situation, I
>agree with Geri, that it probably won't be in the best interest of anyone
>involved for them to let SD spend money on BM for a present. Especially
>since SD hasn't mentioned it again. Why open a can of worms that doesn't
>have to be opened? In my post I was strictly referring to their situation.
>Not every situation in general.
>
>Mika
>
>
I can't see this at all. Clearly SD doesn't hate her BM, even if
she's not the best BM in the world. She spends half her time with her
BM. I think it's in the best interest of SD to teach her to think
about other people in her family on their special days, whether you
like those people yourself or not. If SD doesn't mention it, she
should be reminded, IMO. I also don't think it's the responsibility
of BM's SO to take SD shopping for the mother's day gift. I have a
boyfriend of 5 years, and I'd never expect him to remind or take my
son shopping for my mother's day gift, and he'd never expect me to do
the same for his sons. My son has a father who should be helping my
son think about these things, just as I help my son think about
remembering his SM on mother's day or his father on father's day.
These are parental duties.
By the same token, I don't think it's necessarily the SM's duty to
take the SD shopping for the BM's gift either. I wouldn't expect my
son's SM to do that. I think it's the *parent's* job to be sure that
his or her own child doesn't forget the *other parent* on mother's or
father's day. That's how the kids learn. When they are older and on
their own, they can then choose to continue or ignore the holidays and
special days, but at least they've learned that it's possible to be
a giving and generous person towards other members of their family.
Deb
Geri and sometimes Brian
>son think about these things, just as I help my son think about
>remembering his SM on mother's day or his father on father's day.
>These are parental duties.
That just isn't how we do it in our family, nor do we plan to. We want as
little interaction between the families as necessary, much less gift giving.
Caroline
"Jennifer" <gaz...@theironpig.com> wrote in message
news:3CD9DAC6...@theironpig.com...
> Caroline wrote:
>> > >
about
> > it.
>
> LOL. We do love those home-made gifts. I suck at crafts, but my DD3 just
> brought me the lamest thing from preschool that I love :-D Here's the
deal:
>
> Egg carton piece for "vase."
> Play-Doh inside egg carton piece as support for "flowers."
> Pipe cleaner flower stems.
> Flowers made of colored tissue paper.
> Name on bottom.
>
> There, a bee-yoo-tee-ful gift :-)
>
> Jennifer
See? it works! :)
Caroline
Caroline
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
:) Well, as someone else said, it's the thought that counts.
Hope SD gets well.
Caroline
Geri and sometimes Brian
Thanks! I do, too. Brian just took her to the doctor this AM - they should be
back before long.
rebecca
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
> The other household personnel has two days before MD to take SD to get a
gift.
> We will make it clear to BM that we think the households should remain
doing
> their own thing in this department.
I think that's the right thing to do. That way, BM can be mad at you about
it if she really intended for you to get the gift. And you don't leave SD
twisting in the wind when her mom asks "where's my present?".
rebecca
Durango Dave
techniques...
Q: Who has ownership of this problem?
A: SD.
It is SD's responsibility to remember important dates like MD. It is
on her radar, it has been discussed, now it's time to let her handle
it. It is also her responsibility to decide upon what kind of gift is
appropriate - with some guidance, of course. Seems to me this is an
opportunity to teach some valuable life lessons - responsibility,
fiscal prudence, and setting personal boundaries.
Jennaii
>If SD doesn't mention it, she
>should be reminded, IMO. I also don't think it's the responsibility
>of BM's SO to take SD shopping for the mother's day gift. I have a
>boyfriend of 5 years, and I'd never expect him to remind or take my
>son shopping for my mother's day gift, and he'd never expect me to do
>the same for his sons. My son has a father who should be helping my
>son think about these things, just as I help my son think about
>remembering his SM on mother's day or his father on father's day.
>These are parental duties.
>
>By the same token, I don't think it's necessarily the SM's duty to
>take the SD shopping for the BM's gift either. I wouldn't expect my
>son's SM to do that. I think it's the *parent's* job to be sure that
>his or her own child doesn't forget the *other parent* on mother's or
>father's day. That's how the kids learn. When they are older and on
>their own, they can then choose to continue or ignore the holidays and
>special days, but at least they've learned that it's possible to be
>a giving and generous person towards other members of their family.
We're talking apples and oranges here. *My* DH will make sure SD, 11, has
something for her mother, and vise versa. But THEY have an amicable
relationship. Brian and Geri and exwife do NOT. They have *never* provided /
swapped gifts in the past.
FWIW if SD were with *us* over Father's Day and she DIDN'T have a gift for her
father, SD and I *would* go shopping for a little *something*. No, it's not my
responsibility, but I would do it gladly. Can't BM's boyfriend do the same?
"This time: gonna do it RIGHT!" -- Bob Seger
Jennaii
Jennaii
>it if she really intended for you to get the gift. And you don't leave SD
>twisting in the wind when her mom asks "where's my present?".
Exactly! And it gives BM plenty of time to ask her new *beau* to please handle
it.... (if he's dolt enough not to figure it out on his own...)
Mika
"rebecca" <justre...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:h4gC8.1488$r1....@newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net...
>
> > Besides, you say in one post that it's wrong to forbid a kid to spend
> their
> > money they way they want, then turn around in another post and say that
> you
> > wouldn't allow your SS to spend *his* money on porn, liquor or
cigarettes.
> > Is it *his* money to spend how he wants or is it *his* money to spend
how
> > you direct him to spend it? Either it's his money or it's not, judging
by
> > what you said to me in another post.
>
> Because her mother doesn't fall into the same category as liquor, porn or
> cigarettes. Those (for me personally) are items I choose not to promote,
> allow or condone for minor children in my home. Putting mom on that list
is
> inappropriate, and sends the child a very bad message about the esteem in
> which his mother is held in my home. There is a vast difference between
> teaching a child appropriate money management skills, putting moral limits
> on things they can purchase as minor children in your control, and
> attempting to put a boundary on their relationship with a parent.
I wasn't categorizing them together. I was just saying how you are
contradicting yourself. I didn't say at anytime to tell a child that you
categorize his BM with porn/liquor/cigarettes. I said "if handled properly"
you can direct the kids focus away from spending money to making a nice
gift. I never said anything about putting moral boundaries on their
relationship with a parent either. I fail to see how directing a child away
from spending money on a gift and putting the focus on making a gift is
putting a boundary on the relationship. You don't have to let on to the
child in any way that you think spending money on a parent is unacceptable
or inappropriate, therefore still maintaining the childs emotional well
being.
What is wrong with telling a child something like, "You know, I appreciate
the fact that you want to get BM a gift and that is great. But I have an
idea that I would really like to share with you. I saw this really neat
*whatever idea it is* the other day and I think BM would really like that.
So what do you say we make her one? I think she will especially like it when
she finds out that you made it with your very own hands with all the love
that you have in your heart for her." What pray tell, is so wrong with that?
Mika
Mika
"jane" <janel...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20020508205027...@mb-mj.aol.com...
And I never said you should tell the child that. I repeat, I said direct
their focus away from spending money to making something. Even if giving a
gift of any kind, whether bought or made, is felt to not be appropriate, it
can be handled where the child retains their dignity and emotional well
being.
Mika
Mika
I was merely pointing out how Rebecca was contradicting herself. In one post
she was saying the money either belongs to the kid and the kid should be
allowed to spend it how he/she wants. In another post she was saying that
she would not allow her SS to spend *his* money on porn/liquor/cigarettes.
To me she's contradicting herself. Either it's his money to spend on what he
wants or it's his money for her to tell him how to spend it, whether it's
spent on BM or those other things. I was not lumping them in the same
category. Notice, I said whether it's spent on BM OR those other things.
Not even in the same category.
Mika
Didi
> I was merely pointing out how Rebecca was contradicting herself.
O.k., you've said that now three times.
>In one post she was saying the money either belongs to the kid and the kid
should be allowed to spend it how he/she wants. In another post she was
saying that she would not allow her SS to spend *his* money on
porn/liquor/cigarettes.
O.k. Isn't that simply showing good judgment as a parent? The *law* says
that children cannot purchase porn, liquor, or cigarettes. I don't know of
any law that says that a child cannot purchase a gift for their mother --
particularly with their money.
> To me she's contradicting herself. Either it's his money to spend on what
he wants or it's his money for her to tell him how to spend it, whether it's
spent on BM or those other things.
Apples and oranges, Mika. To me, you're trying to stretch this point b/c
you have issues with the BM of your SD's, and you couldn't fathom
encouraging the girls to do something nice for her. That's fine, if it
works for you. Seems to me, though, that you waste a *whole* lot of time
and energy resenting this woman. But, that's just my opinion -- I,
personally, have a whole list of better things to do with my time,
though.....
--
Didi
Mother of 4, Step-mother of 1
"Children, perfection, and sanity. You can only have 2 out of 3."
Anonymous
rebecca
"Didi" <didi...@attbi.com> wrote in message
news:LFBC8.10759$WR1.4298@sccrnsc01...
Thanks, Didi. Obviously I'm not explaining myself well.
Rebecca
rebecca
"Mika" <tajma...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:FKzC8.2302$re5....@newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net...
> What is wrong with telling a child something like, "You know, I appreciate
> the fact that you want to get BM a gift and that is great. But I have an
> idea that I would really like to share with you. I saw this really neat
> *whatever idea it is* the other day and I think BM would really like that.
> So what do you say we make her one? I think she will especially like it
when
> she finds out that you made it with your very own hands with all the love
> that you have in your heart for her." What pray tell, is so wrong with
that?
Mika,
Nothing is wrong with that. But you didn't say that.
You said:
"I especially wouldn't let or make her spend her allowance on a gift for
BM."
And I said:
"If there are rules about how much of it can be spent (like,
you have to save 1/4 of everything in your bank account) those rules should
apply."
I don't see how I've been contradictory at all. I also suggested I thought
making gifts preferable to buying, and that redirecting might work well.
But let me ask you this: if the child is asking you if they can buy a
mother's day present for their mom with the money they have at your house,
because
1 for whatever reason their mom isn't giving them any money to do it.
2. they don't have money of their own at mom's house
3. no one there will take them shopping or
4. maybe they just want you to do it with them
You're really going to whip out a big "no way, you can't spend your own
money that way?"
rebecca
jane
>she was saying the money either belongs to the kid and the kid should be
>allowed to spend it how he/she wants. In another post she was saying that
>she would not allow her SS to spend *his* money on porn/liquor/cigarettes.
>To me she's contradicting herself. Either it's his money to spend on what he
>wants or it's his money for her to tell him how to spend it, whether it's
>spent on BM or those other things. I was not lumping them in the same
>category. Notice, I said whether it's spent on BM OR those other things.
>Not even in the same category.
>
>Mika
Mika, this was your question:
>> >So tell me why Geri and Brian don't have the same option in saying how SD
>> >can spend her money, regardless of whether it's for
>> >porn/liquor/cigarettes/gumballs or BM?
Porn, liquor and cigarettes can be banned simply because they are illegal for
SS to possess. IIRC, Rebecca did not say she would rule out gumballs per se,
but 500 gumballs.
In answering your question then, I don't see anyone saying that one's children
are free to purchase and possess anything they want. Our society does not even
allow us that option. So I agree that even if it is the child's own money,
they are not always free to spend it on what they want.
So setting all that aside, is it the same thing for Brian to tell his daughter
that she may not spend her own money on her mother as it would be for Rebecca
to tell SS he could not buy 500 gumballs? It is not. Rebecca can explain to
SS why she believes that owning 500 gumballs at one time would be a bad thing.
Cavities, chewed gum on the bed post, whatever. Brian can offer his daughter
no such explanation.
Even setting porn, liquor, and cigarettes aside, 500 gumballs can be banned
simply because they are bad for him. You can't put gifts for one's mother in
that category.
jane
Geri and sometimes Brian
this week. She was put on Amoxil for a sinus infection by the doctor this AM.
It looks like she may not even make it back to school this week, as the doctor
said she should not go back to school until she has been afebrile for 24 hours.
She is still running a low grade temp right now. Mostly all she has wanted to
do is sleep or read her books in bed - she has not even wanted to eat, and
usually she eats like a horse
I have been calling her mom's voice mail once a day and giving her an update on
SD's health, so presumably she will understand that making or buying gifts for
anybody has not been in the game plan, even if we were so inclined.
Audra
news:bc4bef16.02050...@posting.google.com...
> I'm going to try to apply some of my newly learned parenting
> techniques...
>
> Q: Who has ownership of this problem?
Yay Dave!
> A: SD.
The only problem with this answer is that Geri's SD is only 6 and has some
neurological issues that prevent her from remembering things and acting on
them appropriately. She might need more reminders than the average kid her
age.
> It is SD's responsibility to remember important dates like MD. It is
> on her radar, it has been discussed, now it's time to let her handle
> it. It is also her responsibility to decide upon what kind of gift is
> appropriate - with some guidance, of course. Seems to me this is an
> opportunity to teach some valuable life lessons - responsibility,
> fiscal prudence, and setting personal boundaries.
I think up to a certain age it's OK to help kids handle stuff like this,
while still teaching them those life lessons.
--
Audra
"There are always flowers for those who want to see them."
~ Henri Matisse
Mika
>
> Apples and oranges, Mika. To me, you're trying to stretch this point b/c
> you have issues with the BM of your SD's, and you couldn't fathom
> encouraging the girls to do something nice for her. That's fine, if it
> works for you. Seems to me, though, that you waste a *whole* lot of time
> and energy resenting this woman. But, that's just my opinion -- I,
> personally, have a whole list of better things to do with my time,
> though.....
Actually Didi, you don't know if I encourage the girls to do something nice
for BM. Just because I haven't said it doesn't mean that I don't do it. Yeah
I do have some issues with her. But I am working very hard to get through
them and put them behind me. There was a time in my life in the
not-so-distant past that I did waste a LOT of time resenting her. But not
anymore. Yeah I do get upset and angry at some of the stupid poopy things
she does. But it doesn't control my existence anymore. But in all fairness,
I don't think there is anyone in here who doesn't have those moments.
As far as the doing nice things for her. I may not *buy* gifts or take the
girls to *buy* gifts for her, but I have on many occasions helped them make
things for her. We have done a lot of things for her. Not for Mothers Day
since the girls are always with her for that. But for other occasions. And
sometimes for "just because" we wanted to. I have on a couple of occasions
found items that I felt compelled to give her just because I wanted to
extend my friendship. And this was from ME not the girls. So you can't say
with any truth that I can't fathom encouraging the girls to do anything nice
for her. Lately I have done things that encourage the girls, especially
SD14, to do things that a lot of mothers would be a blessing. But not her.
An example, and I've posted this before. SD14 called ME one day because she
was in a situation that she needed some advice on and was too scared to talk
to BM. We talked, she told me the situation, why she was afraid to tell BM
and asked me what she should do. Now this was a perfect opportunity for me
to chip away at their relationship in an effort to destroy BM, and bring SD
closer to me, if I were that bitter and resentful. It would have been really
easy for me to just say to SD, "Yeah I know how your mom is and I don't
blame you for being scared of her. She's a bitch and we both know it, so
maybe you had better not say anything and just call me to talk anytime you
have a problem" etc etc. But I didn't. I told her she needed to just go to
her mom and tell her what was going on and tell her that she would take
responsibility for what she had done and accept her punishment. I told her
that she needed to start opening up and talking to her mom more but that I
was always here for her if she needed me, and could call me anytime. I tried
to help take away her fear and break down the communication barriers between
them. Maybe that doesn't qualify in your book as encouraging the girls to do
something nice for BM but considering our situation with her, I think it's a
pretty good one.
Mika
Barb
"Geri and sometimes Brian" <gple...@aol.commotion> wrote in message
Geri, I'm truly surprised at you on this....do you honestly think that BM
with all you've said about her can see past herself to grasp that concept?
NOOOOO!!
I can so picture this scene..."What do you mean you were too sick to do/get
me something for mother's day?"
Therefore making SD not only feel bad for the forgotten holiday, but for
being sick as well, when she had no control over that.
Barb
Didi
I have *no* idea what you do or don't do outside of what you share here --
that's obvious.
Most of what you share here, though, is so blatantly colored by resentment
and bitterness towards their BM -- and like I said, if it works for you,
fine. I used to be where you are, and it aint a pretty place. Thank
goodness I got over it.....
I guess that I don't understand, though, why you feel the need to get so
defensive towards any post that remotely disagrees with you and your
position (historically, you either get defensive, or you ignore people who
differ with you). You were *instantly* defensive with Rebecca when she
challenged your opinion, and it escalated from there. You were stretching
it to try to make a point with Rebecca -- whether or not you admit it makes
no difference to me. My world still floats whether you can take
responsibility or not.
--
Didi
Mother of 4, Step-mother of 1
"Children, perfection, and sanity. You can only have 2 out of 3."
Anonymous
"Mika" <tajma...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:epEC8.2955$re5....@newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net...
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
wrote:
>
>"jane" <janel...@aol.com> wrote in message
>news:20020507224442...@mb-cc.aol.com...
>> >> But any money which is SD's choice to spend, she should get to
>> >>spend
>> >> on what she wants, even if it's on her mom.
>> >
>> >Then we will just disagree.
>> >
>> But why? How can you disagree with that?
>>
>
>
>Easy. If it's money SD earned/received on Geri and Brian's time or from
>their family and friends, then Geri and Brian should be able to direct her
>to spend her money in ways they deem appropriate. If spending it on BM is
>not considered appropriate, then don't let her spend it on BM.
That's a recipe for disaster.
Kitten
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You can always tell a Texan, but you can't tell him much. - Chris Wall
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Courage, Real courage, is no quick fix. It doesn't come in a bottle
or a pill, It comes from discipline. From taking everything life
hands you and being your best either because of it or in spite of it.
-- Ty Murray
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