NEED ADVICE (long)

[~ Joy ~]

I'm not a regular poster to ASSP, but I do read everybody's advice, and post
when I can give some advice. I'm hoping there's someone out there can help
me out.

To give you a quick background, DH and I have custody of 9 year old SD. I
have been in her life since she was 4. BM left when she was just a baby,
moved out of state, and has been in her life inconsistently. 3 years ago,
DH filed for child support, so BM decided to try to fight for custody. Even
though she hadn't been in the child's life, she was granted joint legal &
physical custody, supervised visitation, a call once a week, and $200 child
support. She visited twice in the beginning, hardly calls when she's
supposed to (missed SD's birthday in August) and we haven't heard from her
in over 6 months. BM is very sickly and suposively had heart surgery (she's
only 26). SD and I have a wonderful parent-child relationship, she calls me
*mom* and I'm very involved in her life. The last phone# we had for BM has
been disconnected, so SD hasn't been able to talk to BM when she wants. DH
and I let her know that's it's not her fault that BM left or isn't around,
and SD has pretty much figured out on her own that BM is a flake.

The other day, DH's mother (MIL) e-mails me and tells that that BM called
her. (BM and MIL do not have a good relationship.) She tells MIL that
she's been calling us every week and on holidays, but no one is ever home.
If this was the case, we'd be getting messages, plus we have Caller ID and
there have been no out-of-state phone #s. She tells MIL that she's on total
disability and that the state is paying child support (which is true). MIL
didn't say anything, and just let her talk. When I told DH about their
conversation, he was infuriated! How dare she call MIL with all these lies,
making us look like the bad guys! I agree with him. Anyway, he wants to
call BM tell her off! He's thinking of even cutting her off. His thinking
is if she's going to blame everything on us anyway, he'll give her reason
to. She will never take us to court (no $ & no brains) nor will she have a
chance to come visit any time soon (she's on disability, remember?).

In the past, when BM was calling inconsistently, this would confuse SD. She
had all these *why* questions that DH and I couldn't answer honestly without
badmouthing BM . With BM out of the picture for so long, our family life
has been smooth sailing. It breaks my heart to see SD upset or hurt over
something BM has done (or not done). It's almost like BM is an interruption
in our lives. BM was the one who chose to leave, not visit, not call. Now
all of a sudden she tells MIL that she wants a relationship with SD? What
do you think we should do? BM is the type of person who wants you to feel
sorry for her and it looks like her witchcraft worked on MIL. It will NEVER
work on DH and me. She's screwed up mentally and health-wise, and won't
ever have a normal mother-daughter relationship with SD. She has, in the
past, given me verbal permission to adopt SD, and now that we know where she
is, I might just take her up on her offer. But on the other hand, I think
she was saying that to get out of child support, and with SSI paying it, she
might not sign the papers.

Sorry for rambling on and on. How should we handle this situation? We
haven't told SD that BM called, and DH plans on calling her before
Christmas.

[Geri and Brian]

Joy, why is she getting $200 a month for child support? That doesn't make any
sense at all.

Geri
~~~~~~~~~~
"Cats don't have nine lives, just two - theirs, then yours."
~~~~~~~~~~
To e-mail us, dump the litterbox. :-)

[jane lawrence]

Ignore the phone call. She lied to her former MIL about why she
wasn't contacting the kid. BFD.

When my BD has asked me questions about why her dad did things,
I found it helpful to tell her that I didn't know. You DON'T
know. Reassure her that you love her.

Give your husband the "high road" speech. You know. "Honey,
just because she's telling lies, doesn't mean we have to stoop
to her level. Who cares what she says to your mother? She
knows better than to believe her. It's bad enough that SD has a
mother who never sees her, let's at least let her feel her
mother loves her at xmas."

That's what I'd do.

jane

[Kevin]

Did MIL believe her? If your relations between MIL and her son and
yourself have become strained through this, then it may be good to
straighten that out. If MIL was shaken by what she was told, once she is
disabused this once, she won't be taken in again. I wouldn't bother with
trying to change BM's behaviour - she'll only change if she wants to.

Kevin

In article <385D4A2F...@excite.com>, jane lawrence says...

--
"It was so cold that if the thermometer had been an inch longer we would
have frozen to death" - Mark Twain

[Anne Robotti]

Joy, this is the way I would handle it. Or at least the way I *hope*
I would handle it.

Don't get upset about her having lied to your MIL. If MIL believed
her, that's her problem and not yours. Tell MIL that BM lied if it
will make you feel better. Meanwhile, now that you have a number for
BM, have DH get in touch with her and explain (if you must) that *you* know
she lied and that he and you are more than willing to have her call
and visit SD, and you have no idea why she wouldnt' feel that if she
wanted to do so, she couldn't just call your house for real. Make
*that* the problem to be worked out. Because really, it is.

Anne

[~ Joy ~]

She doesn't get $200, she pays $200, I mean SSI does.

Geri and Brian <gple...@aol.comlitter> wrote in message
news:19991219154407...@ng-fy1.aol.com...

[Geri and Brian]

>She doesn't get $200, she pays $200, I mean SSI does.

Oh! I guess I misread your post. :-)