Cruddy Night
Deborah
I have had a horrid night. My ex and his SO came to pick up the kids
for their weekly two hour visit. Anyhow, they almost hit our van when
pulling into the driveway to get the kids. My hubby was upset.
Anyways, the kids arrived home late... my little one still had home
reading to do, my son had spelling and reading to do and my eldest had
History homework. My hubby had promised icecream treats so he went
outside when the ex and the kids pulled up. He took the eldest with
him to go get icecream and sent the younger children inside. He told
my ex that the children were late.. and to please try to be punctual
as the kids have had a long day and have homework etc... He also told
my ex to watch his driving.. and not to get so close to our van.
Anyhow, hubby leaves.. ex leaves.. Phone rings... my ex... apparently
he has a problem...Seems he took great offence that my hubby was
telling him when to have the kids back. He said....he is not their
father. Well i got mad..my SO is dad 90% of the time. Their "father"
lives less than one mile from us but refuses to see his kids except on
court ordered visitation even though I have stated he can see the kids
whenever he likes. SO spends his evenings helping with homework,
helping my son with Cubs, driving my daugher to art class..etc etc
etc. Their BD is still on the do as I say or I won't see the kids
bit. I have told him if he wants to take a more active role in the
kids lives, my SO will backoff... he refuses... My kids love their
step dad.. he takes an active role in their lives... their BD will
not.
Anyways, Biodad ending up screaming at me... calling me a "dozy Bitch"
and several other choice words before I hung up. Hubby came home.. I
was upset.. he calls exes home and exes SO will not allow ex to come
to the phone... he tells exes SO to tell ex that he will not tolerate
anyone speaking to me that way. She bitches at him, he bitches back..
stale mate i think.
Of course, our evening is ruined. My hubby is in a hugely fowl mood
and bitches about my baggage, my kids, my city... umm you get the
drift.
My ex has been a nasty bastard for three and half years now.. I can
not tolerate this anymore yet i am at a loss of what to do about it.
He makes digs about us to the kids when they have them.. he calls and
attacks my parenting skills, he attacks whatever he can. I just wish
he would go away. I have gone out of my way to try to have a
cooperative relationship with him. I have even tried to be nice to
his SO knowing she is telling my kids that I am not a good mom. the
kids are stuck in the middle of this and I hate it. They love their
dad. He is attacking me at ever turn and i am really tired of letting
it go.
If he buys the kids anything, the kids must leave it at his house. My
5 yr old was hysterical Sunday night because she forgot she was
wearing dads pantys and thought he would hate her for stealing.
Christmas eve was at his house and santa came there. The kids left
the next day and all their presents from his side of the family and
santa had to remain. the kids didn't see any of those gifts for two
weeks. they were heartbroken.
Two ppl attacked me tonight... first the ex, then the hubby... hmm do
i like men? LOL don't ask me that right now!
Deb
JOY
Deborah wrote in message <380762aa.103804511@news>...
>Hi Ppl
>
>I have had a horrid night. My ex and his SO came to pick up the kids
>
Sounds horrid alright. When I used to have horrid goings on like that I used
to write it all down in a letter to somebody and then throw the letter in
the bin. I wish I had discovered NGs years ago!! Feels good to tell somebody
doesnt it?
JOY
Nicole {Freezing in Wisconsin}
Hi Deb,
I'm sorry to hear of your horrible night :( I have a suggestion for
you, though, that has worked wonders for me. If you and DH can afford
it, how about a 2nd phone line with an answering machine hooked up for
BD? That way, if he calls and it's child related and important, you
have the option of picking up the call. If it's not important, just hit
delete... of course, make sure your regular phone number is
unlisted/unpublished so that he can't call that one to get to you.
We've done this with BM, because she called and screamed and yelled all
the time. Now either the kids answer it and we do NOT talk to her...
*she can call back and leave us a message*... or she gets the machine.
If it's important, she leaves a message. Most people won't scream into
an answering machine... it's evidence, ya know ;)
I wish you the best... and hope today is better for you!
Nicole
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Anne Robotti
to be a jerk to me. And I used to go out of my way to deal with her
to prove that I could, that I wasn't afraid to deal with her. Any of
that going on with your SO? Because otherwise, it seems like saying
something about getting the kids back... I wouldn't take that well
from an ex's SO either. That should be between the two of you, especially
since your ex would prefer it that way. And mentioning that he "almost"
hit the van seems a little weird, like kind of jumping on him about
nothing.
I don't think your ex was right to verbally attack you. And I think
that living a mile from his kids it's a shame that he's not more in-
volved. I don't know what to do about either of these things, except
to keep saying, "I won't deal with you if you can't be pleasant" and
hang up on him.
SD keeps everything we buy her here. I'm not such a fanatic about it
that she'd be crying if she forgot, but honestly, I buy her things so
she can use them here. If her Mom wants her to have the same things,
she can buy them. I don't see why I should spend my hard-earned money
to buy SD things to take to her Mom's. Maybe your ex feels the same
way. She does leave her Christmas presents here. Maybe you could talk
to your ex about the impression the five year old had gotten so he
would know to back off a little bit.
I know this doesn't help much, I can just sort of see the other side
on some of it. Like I said, the verbal abuse NO WAY. Of you OR your SO.
Maybe the ex is jealous? Maybe he's not happy in his own relationship?
Anne
Deborah wrote:
>
> Hi Ppl
>
> I have had a horrid night. My ex and his SO came to pick up the kids
Deborah
knows why? ... He blew last night about the kids (my oldest is 11 and
can show attitude :-), my ex being an ass, all the baggage that I
have and that he doesn't like it. He even knocked the city we live in
as being mine... I understand he was upset. But i didn't do anything
to cause lasts night blow up with the ex. I stayed in the house. I
just got the fallout when the ex called. He would never call and
freak at my SO.. oh no.. he saves that crap for me. Oh joy.
I hate having things unresolved. I just feel like things get done
around here and then get thrown on my plate. After all, I didn't go
out and talk to the ex regarding his lateness..My SO seems to think I
go to great lengths to avoid pissing of my ex. Well, maybe I
do..there are three kids involved. i don't disagree that the ex is
acting rotten and has for the last three years but having this verbal
banter is too much. I have an ex who I think loves his kids. I have
a SO who loves the kids. I think my ex is jealous of my SO. but the
ex is not involved with the kids. They wanted their dad but dad was
busy... my SO saw the kids needing and stepped up to the plate. I am
not going to stroke my exes ego and tell him that he is important and
wonderful to the kids. Its not my place and frankly, he should be
more involved but at the same point, my SO is involved and I am not
going to tell him to back off and watch the kids lack a father figure.
I am sorry that my ex is feeling "replaced' as dad but that is not my
doing. He blames me for all of this of course... he thinks i am
purposely involving the SO in the kids lives to hurt him. I didn't
have anything to do with it. My SO likes doing things with the kids.
the kids have to spend this weekend at their dads (if dad is gonna
pick em up) My son is suppose to go to a birthday party tomorrow and
my SO has said let their dad buy the present. The dad has refused.
Now, I can hold firm but in all likelihood if I don't buy the present,
my son will miss the party. If I buy the present, my SO will be
pissed off and think I have caved to my exes will once again. If my
ex would buy the gift great!, but he won't.
Arghhhh. I have always dealt with arguments that night so the next
day you can start of fresh. My hubby prefers to ignore them. I could
even see having a cool down period and then talking but not my SO. He
never wants to discuss it. I am not built that way. so its a
stalemate.
I get alot of strength from this newsgroup. somedays I wish i could
just slip into the floppy of this mutt cow puter and disappear for a
bit.
Anyhow, sorry to be so dramatic...somedays I just get tired of the
bullshit.
Thanks for your responses
Deb (testing new sig file)
"One bad relationship away from Lesbianism"
On Fri, 15 Oct 1999 11:43:56 GMT, Nicole {Freezing in Wisconsin}
<nic...@fastbytes.com> wrote:
>In article <380762aa.103804511@news>,
> dan...@home.com (Deborah) wrote:
>> Hi Ppl
>>
Dana
what happened with us (before DH and BM could not talk more than 1 minute
without yelling), is that I played the middle for a while and we all sat
down and talked. I know, but maybe if everyone wrote down their feelings or
talked maybe it would help?
Dana
Anne Robotti <rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:38070AF2...@worldnet.att.net...
> Deborah wrote:
> >
> > Hi Ppl
> >
Grace F Rohrer
by Deb...@home.com
Here are a couple of concrete suggestions:
1) don't let your husband talk to your ex. My ex is highly offended
anytime my husband does ANYTHING--my ex threatened to put my husband
through a meat grinder, when my husband was kindly delivering my
daughter's school books while I was in the hospital, and my daughter
would have to spend a few extra days at the ex's. It was a stupid
thing--they all could have been civil to eachother. Maybe it's the
testosterone.
2) get an answering machine. Let it screen all calls, especially
angry calls from ex's.
3) the minute your ex starts to swear at you, ever, hang up, and turn
on that answering machine. I have memorized the phrase, "if you
have anything important to say, talk to my lawyer" followed by
the action of hanging up the phone. It works, he calms down and
has yet to drag anymore laywers into anything.
4) tell your husband how much you appreciate him and everything he
does for your kids. Make sure to tell him often. BUT, when you
are both calmer, tell him you don't want him attacking you for
the situation he married in to. I'm sure he saw what it was like
before he took the vow, if he finds he honestly can't deal with it,
then give him is freedom to go.
Good luck,
Grace
Dana
Dana
Deborah <dan...@home.com> wrote in message news:3807d31a.1704760@news...
> >> Hi Ppl
> >>
ELD
so I may repeat what someone else had already said - forgive me if I do.
I'm sorry your night was ruined. It really sucks.
One thing I wanted to mention, which may help avoid these drawn out
arguments in the future is to not let your husband communicate these
requests (careful of the car, bring the kids home on time, etc.). Do it
yourself. If you can't bring yourself up to tackle the issue when it
happens, wait a day, then call him up or write him a letter about it.
But try not to let DH do the dirty work, it will only cause more grief.
Good luck.
Deborah wrote:
>
> Hi Ppl
>
ELD
Deborah wrote:
But i didn't do anything
> to cause lasts night blow up with the ex. I stayed in the house.
But that's probably part of why he's angry - he had to do something that
YOU should have handled.
I
> just got the fallout when the ex called. He would never call and
> freak at my SO.. oh no.. he saves that crap for me. Oh joy.
But, he should. He should discuss these things with you. You guys are
the parents. You guys have to figure it out. Involving the Steps when
nobody wants them involved (including the steps themselves) in this
stuff leads to problems.
> > dan...@home.com (Deborah) wrote:
> >> Hi Ppl
> >>
jane lawrence
>
> Even if it is a matter of Deborah preferring to ignore it all, I think
> that's not the most productive approach.
>
> Regardless of whether she has asked DH to handle EX or not, he is doing
> it, and she should be.
I don't see that. I think ignoring the ex is precisely what
deborah should be doing. Life is too short to spend arguing
with assholes. There's no percentage in confronting the ex when
he's trying to yank your chain. The more deborah reacts, the
more he gets what he's after, and the more the behavior will
continue.
Do you see what I am saying? The ex is looking for a fight.
That is the only reason he does what he does. He taunts deborah
and her DH in order to get one. The last thing you want to do
is reward his taunting and give him the fight he wants. IMHO,
deborah should engage with the ex as little as possible, and DH
should stay out of it all together. If the ex sees that he
can't get a rise out of them by showing up late and driving
close to their car (please! is this as high school as you can
get, or what?), he won't waste his time with it anymore. Trust
me, I know this guy - hell, I've been this guy; - he'll find
some other outlet.
>
> Eventually, DH may resent the fact that he is having to do all of this,
> and that he is getting the short end of the stick with these
> responsibilities, and that alone can put a real strain on a
> relationship.
I agree that DH going out and arguing with the ex is putting a
strain on the situation. However, I don't see that he is
obliged to act this way at all. He's having trouble dealing
with his own feelings of frustration and powerlessness. In
reality, DH is powerless over the ex, and the ex can get away
with a lot of things that upset DH. When he goes out to argue
with the ex, it only makes him feel worse because he's rubbing
his nose in his own impotence. That enrages him so much that he
comes back inside and dumps on deborah.
jane
jane lawrence
>
> LOL.. sorry hadn't checked the news group for a few days
>
> I would have gladly ignored the situation. I think that is the
> problem. See, I can't deal with the ex. Can't or won't . If i
> quesiton him or ask for some help, he blows. Its easier on me and the
> kids if i just ignore him. My DH has a real problem ignoring my ex.
I agree with Erin that the less DH is involved in your dealings
with the ex the better. In a more perfect world he would be
able to listen and support you and offer wisdom and sound
counsel. As it is, he's getting all hot about it and making
everything even worse.
Can you involve him less than you do? Can you encourage him to
distance himself? Maybe he could go see a friend on Sunday
evenings when the kids are coming home. If you need to blow off
steam, you can post a vent here. If you ask for advice, you can
usually get a fairly broad spectrum.
> My ex is constantly causing as much muck as he can. If I bring it up
> to him, he blows, swears, and generally freaks out either then or
> waits until the kids go there and tells them all about his feelings
> about mom.
>
> If I ignore it, yes I feel walked on, but isn't it better that I feel
> that way than have the kids put up with the snide comments about me
> when I am not there?
>
> My DH doesn't like the way I am treated by my ex and he doesn't like
> what the ex is doing to the kids. I guess he is really frusterated
> that this little piss ant can have so much power. He is trying to
> ignore it but its kind of like being slapped down repeatedly. He is
> at a loss too. If you ignore my ex and let him walk all over ya, he
> takes bigger liberties the next time.
>
> As for going the legal route... what a joke. I call my lawyer and
> tell him whats going on.... he tells me there is nothing I can do.
> The ex can legally bash me, he can legally give the kids heaps of
> emotional baggage and there is nothing that can be done to stop him
> short of an all out battle in the courts to completely remove the kids
> from him. Now, think about that. I am trying to protect my kids. I
> don't want them subjected to a emotionally exhausting legal dispute
> between thier parents. They love all of us. I think that would be
> more damaging than anything.
>
> I am hoping that my ex will stop being such a dick but he can't see
> what his behavior does to the kids. If he can, it doesn't outwiegh
> the jollies he gets hurting me. He knows the kids are the most
> important thing in the world to me. He knows hurting them, hurts me.
> He is a very bitter man. that bitterness and one upmanship is causing
> him to loose the kids. Its causing him to hurt them. I am just
> trying to minimalize the damage.
>
> what else can i do. I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard
> place here.
You know if you could stop him from being a dick, you wouldn't
be divorced. You can't. You have options - denying visitation,
going back to court, shooting him, - but none of them are
perfect. If I were you, I would concentrate on denying him the
opportunity to be abusive right now. Get a second line or an
answering machine. Hang up when he goes over the line. Start
exchanging the kids at a police station. Hire someone to
supervise exchanges at your home. That kind of stuff.
In the mean time, it's very sad that he is alienating his
children. I feel bad for the kids too. Growing up I had
friends whose parents were murder about this kind of stuff.
Even though they stayed married, they ran their partners down
all the time. My experience is that kids inevitably resented
the parent who dragged them into the fray. Nothing I've ever
seen in this world pisses people off as quickly and as
thoroughly as dissing their mothers, even if it's their fathers
who are doing it.
jane
ELD
> > I don't see that. I think ignoring the ex is precisely what
> deborah should be doing. Life is too short to spend arguing
> with assholes. There's no percentage in confronting the ex when
> he's trying to yank your chain. The more deborah reacts, the
> more he gets what he's after, and the more the behavior will
> continue.
>
> Do you see what I am saying? The ex is looking for a fight.
> That is the only reason he does what he does. He taunts deborah
> and her DH in order to get one. The last thing you want to do
> is reward his taunting and give him the fight he wants.
Yes, I do see what you're saying. I was just taking it from a narrower
perspective.
IMHO,
> deborah should engage with the ex as little as possible, and DH
> should stay out of it all together. If the ex sees that he
> can't get a rise out of them by showing up late and driving
> close to their car (please! is this as high school as you can
> get, or what?), he won't waste his time with it anymore.
Yes, I agree that ideally nothing should have been said. I also
maintain that any communication that needs to be done with ex should be
done by BM, not DH.