Does it EVER get better???
tkwalker
Ruth Berry <ru...@i-1.net> wrote in message news:38682D50...@i-1.net...
> I've been lurking and semi-posting for several weeks now. I JUST got
> married on October 2 of this past fall.
>
> I am discouraged. I am depressed. I am soooo close to throwing in the
> towel.
Oh-oh-oh... I know exactamundo how you feel. Please read on...
> How do you all do it? does it EVER get better ??? is it worth all the
> fight and hassle that you have to put up with ???
(snipped)
>I realized something...I shouldn't have HAD to tell
> him to correct her. If HE doesn't respect me, SHE never will. so,
> maybe I'm fighting a losing battle here. > anyone else with these
feelings? how did it work out for you?
He DOES respect you. If he didn't, I'm certain neither of you would have
wanted to get married in the first place. I, also, was ready to file
divorce papers during the first 6 months of my marrriage. We would argue
incessently about how SS was allowed to act towards me. I felt like an
underpaid babysitter with a spoiled brat! Here's some insight: Lay down
the law. Sit with your new DH and tell him your feelings. Let him know
that you want him to NOT allow his daughter to speak to you in that manner.
Would she speak to her friends that way? Then sit with your new SD and tell
her that you are roommates. You are not her mother, you are not her new
Best Friend; you are her roommate. You want to get along peacefully,
sharing a home AND a father/husband. Talk about the golden rule. Do unto
others goes a loooong way in this house. When my SS would ignore me or
backtalk, I finally starting doing the same when HE wanted something. It's
been a while since we've had to utilize the golden rule in that way,
however.
Try to remember why you got married. Hopefully it was for the *right*
reasons, and you can tap into that pure love when you get discouraged. What
finally worked for my DH and I was talking, talking, and more talking.
You're getting settled into a routine, getting to know each other on a
completely different level, and having to adjust to new personalities. Set
some limits, let everyone involved know *your* boundries (smart ass
comments, backtalk, silent treatment, etc.) and what you plan on doing if
confronted. First you have to know what you're going to do, though, so
spend some quality "me" time with yourself. (Bubble baths and dim lights
work wonders, as does watching sunsets by yourself.)
And yes, it DOES get better. We went from being on the verge of a divorce
to having an eerily perfect homelife and relationship. I wish you the best
of luck and if ever you need to vent, feel free to email me. I do know how
you're feeling.
Much Aloha,
Kina
Anne Robotti
of salt.
My SD, when I got her, never spoke to ANYBODY with respect. DH never
corrected her, indeed was never around when she was mouthing off,
cursing at people, throwing tantrums. Like you, I wanted to throw in
the towel. Some days I still do. I'm not answering that "getting easier"
question here. :D
But, the only thing that worked for me was to establish immediate
*personal* authority with my SD. It was exhausting and very difficult,
but well worth it. In other words, you corrected your SD and that's
good. Next time, don't wait for DH to back you up. The next time she
mouths off to you, try something like, "If you speak to me in that tone
again we're all going home. I won't give you another warning." Then do
it. Even if you and your daughter have to take the car and go alone,
do it. That's why God invented taxis. Make a big scene if you have to,
to get the car keys from DH. There's NOTHING you need at the mall more
than you need peace in your personal life.
You need to talk to DH about backing you up too. It would be so much
easier if he did. Not backing you up as in punishing her for things she
does to you, but backing you up by making her respect the limits you
set. In the situation I've outlined above, backing you up wouldn't be
saying something to her on his own, but leaving the mall with you and
her if she did it again. That way it's still your authority. You've
decided the appropriate course of action, you've implemented it. DH
just got out of your way. He needs to understand that he HAS to do this.
If you're wrong, he can tell you that in private and the two of you
can evaluate the situation together. Ask him questions like, "When X
happened, what would you have preferred I do?" Give him a chance to say
he'd have preferred you ignored it. Hear that. Then explain why you felt
in that situation you couldn't.
Also, if you're like me, you might be to the point where everything she
says sounds snotty to you. There was a particularly bad period here
where my SD couldn't say hello in the right tone of voice for me. See
if you can be honest with DH about this. Saying, "I know it wasn't really
snotty what she said. But you have to understand that she's angry with
me so much of the time and she's so rude that I'm very sensitive to it
right now" might go a long way.
Those are just my thoughts. Good luck and big hugs.
Anne
Ruth Berry wrote:
>
> I've been lurking and semi-posting for several weeks now. I JUST got
> married on October 2 of this past fall.
>
> I am discouraged. I am depressed. I am soooo close to throwing in the
> towel.
>
> How do you all do it? does it EVER get better ??? is it worth all the
> fight and hassle that you have to put up with ???
>
> tonight, my brat of a step daughter (in therapy, if you remember)
> mouthed off to me at dinner at the mall. I responded, she mouthed off
> again, and I snapped at her. her father was pissed at ME for talking to
> HIS daughter that way! I told him he needed to correct her lack of
> respect for me NOW. after discussing this through two hallways in the
> mall, he finally pulled her aside and told her that she was to speak
> with me with the same respect as she speaks to him. she denied any
> wrong and I spoke up, "OF COURSE she's gonna deny it!"
>
> THat was that. then when I left with my daughter and the two of them
> went to the movies, I realized something...I shouldn't have HAD to tell
> him to correct her. If HE doesn't respect me, SHE never will. so,
> maybe I'm fighting a losing battle here. I'm going to speak with our
> minister tomorrow for more clarity. tonight, I'm exhausted and feeling
> all used up and ready to go back to being a single parent of my 16 year
> old....
>
> anyone else with these feelings? how did it work out for you?
>
> THanks for listening, and thanks even more for your responses.
>
> --
> Ruth Berry
> Signature Images
> Panama City, Florida
> http://www.berryimages.com
Anne Haas
I agree with Kina - talk, talk, talk and more talk. ANY relationship requires
communication & many marriages break up because of the lack.
I had problems with my SD when we first got married (we had our first
anniversary this past Sunday). If you've seen any of my posts you will know
that I have had more than the typical teen problems with her in the past, but
that still didn't stop me from setting certain limits.
I knew coming into this marriage that certain things would be said. Some of
them really hurt. When she popped up with the standard "You aren't my mother!"
I just smiled and agreed, but she still had to live with me if she wanted to
continue living with her dad.
The worst time was when I picked her and some friends up from a wedding
reception on one of the local bases. I didn't know where the officer's club
was and spent close to an hour driving around the dimly lit base (in addition
to the 45 min drive just to get there). When I finally found it, I still had
to wait for them to be ready to go. I warned her when we got in the car that I
was in a grumpy mood & she better not push it. A few minutes later I was being
called a slut, a bitch and that the only thing I cared about was f**king her
dad.
I totally lost it. That had been her recent refrain lately and I was sick and
tired of hearing it. I stopped that car so fast that I'm surprised the kids
didn't get whiplash. I told her to get out of the car because I wasn't going
to listen to that type of filth. She told me to make her. I said okay & drove
up to the guard station. She jumped out of the car and took off. I spent
about a half hour in the guard station telling them what happened, with them on
the phone to the local police and with me on the cell to my husband. She did
eventually make her way home that evening. More was said, but this is getting
too long. :-)
About a week later, SD and I were talking. I told her that her comments really
hurt my feelings because she knew that I did a whole lot for her. Since that
time, about the worse thing she has complained about is my mothering her. :-)
Was that a rather extreme way to set a limit? Yeap. Am I proud of losing my
temper that way? Nope. My SD is very sensitive about hurting others feelings,
so I think the talk later helped. For the mothering accusations, I just
"threw" her own words back at her and told her that is just the way I am & I
mother everyone, including my own mother.
After a year now, she has pretty much learned how far she can push. She will
keep trying to see if she can get the limits stretched further. That's part of
her job as a teen. :-) Hee, hee. She asked me yesterday if we would drop her
curfew when she turned 16. Told her fat chance of that happening. Might
extend it an hour on the weekends, but that would have to be discussed with her
father. (Her curfew is 9 pm on school nights & midnight on weekends.)
Your SD is going into those wonderful teen years - also know as the "adult in
training" years (a term I much more prefer). She will test ALL limits - not
just yours. Might I suggest a contract with her? What are the limits & the
consequences of her actions? It has worked wonders with my SD as long as we
follow through on our end. She knows what will happen if she doesn't do
certain things. Ours runs the gamut of expected housework through her
disappearing acts. (Our daughter was diagnosed as manic depressive this summer
and that is the cause behind a lot - not all - of her behavior when she is not
taking her meds.)
Last week, part of the list of chores for her included dusting. She told me
she didn't feel like doing it. I said okay. Later, she wanted me to take her
to her current boyfriend's. I told her that I didn't feel like doing it. She
just looked at me and went & got the dust rag. :-)
DH and I have had many, many discussions concerning the consequences of her
behavior and how we will present a united front. He (and I) have slipped on
the consequences at times and have suffered our own consequences.
Subsequently, we have learned. You know some of the things she will spout off
to you about. Figure out in advance what you might say in "reaction." I have
a lot of "discussions" in my head. :-)
Hang in there, Ruth. It may never get better, but it might. Do talk with DH
about consequences to her behavior. Write up a contract, get DH's approval.
BOTH of you discuss it with SD (might want to do one with SS also). Get her
input on it. She might have some changes. She is the one who will have to
live with the consequences. I listed 3 consequences for each section of the
contract. I put in there that she didn't want a 4th cons. because it would not
be pretty. *g* I also stated that the contract was subject to change depending
on her maturity level and as she matures, the consequences will change. If you
would like a copy of what we wrote, email me and I will be happy to send you
one. (Just make sure the addy is correct since the one that shows up here has
NOSPAM in it.)
Sorry this is so long. I can relate to how you feel. It's rough.
Anne H.
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might
be the world."
2ndmum
thinking about dating a man with children is to run as fast as she can.
I am in a six year relationship (married for 5), and the children have
lived with us for the last 4 years. I also have a child from a
previous relationship and it is a constant battle with favoritism to
his daughter and my son. Up until 3 months ago the only thing we ever
fought about was the children. Our relationship is on the verge of
ending and I can honestly say that if we didn't have the problems with
the kids, and they hadn't come to live with us 4 years ago I don't
think we would be on the verge of splitting up. Don't get me wrong I
love my step-children almost as much as I love my own but if my
marriage ends I will never date/marry another man who has children that
are under the age of 20.
* Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet's Discussion Network *
The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet - Free!
Vicki Robinson
:
:my big issue is that I shouldn't HAVE to convince him to correct her when she
:is rude or lies or is disrespectful. right? or am I being way too naive?
:
:on top of this, DH's started being hateful to my daughter, who is a
:
:those are all great ideas that you outline, but I've done all that. I am
:usually kind when I explain things to SD, but last night, I got snippy right
:back at her. THAT's when DH noticed that *I* was rude to his daughter. don't
:that just take the cake?
Ruth, what were things like before you got married? Are all of these
dynamics a real surprise to all of you? Did you discuss things like
authority and discipline before you decided to tie the knot? How did
the kids relate to you and DH and each other before the marriage? Did
you have any family council-type discussions regarding ... well, all
of the things that come up in family life?
I'm wondering if you should now bring in a third party. Either a
counselor (if you want to explore the roots of the behavior) or a
family mediator (if you're not interested in any kind of therapy and
simply want to negotiate the rules of the household). I hope this
doesn't offend you, but your DH sounds like a child; first he won't
back you up even having promised to do so, and then he vindictively
takes revenge for your annoyance by picking on a child! That's just
bullying behavior. If he's pissed at you, he should address it with
you, not turn to your vulnerable daughter. Why is he afraid to
address you?
I think it's time for help. If he won't go, you can go anyway.
Vicki
--
Mediation and Alternative Dispute Resolution Resources:
http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/mediation/mediation.html
The alt.folklore.urban FAQ and archive can be found at
http://www.urbanlegends.com/
Didi Jakubowski
I was just married in August of this past summer, and I recently posted about
the very same thing (How do you get past this?). I wish that I had an answer
that would make it all better -- for both of us!
I guess that I try to keep in mind that marriage is difficult for all people in
the first couple of years (the "Newlywed" stage is a lot of b.s.), and it is
obviously more compounded by the fact that we each have children and exes from
previous relationships to enter into the equation. That kind of helps to get
me through the bad times -- the thought that it has to get better with time.
Feel free to e-mail me privately if you'd like to commisurate -- I *am* where
you are right now. :)
Didi
Mother to Caitlin, 10, Patrick, 8, Meagan, 6, and Step-mother to Kayla, 7.
"A dead thing can go with a stream, only a living thing can go against it."
G.K. Chesterton
Lynn Davis
> my big issue is that I shouldn't HAVE to convince him to correct her when she
> is rude or lies or is disrespectful. right? or am I being way too naive?
>
Hi Ruth,
I can't comment on how your DH is starting to treat your daughter;
I don't have any children of my own. But, your comment above
struck a chord with me. I've been married just over a year to my
DH. He has two sons (13 and 14). I'm also 38.
I used to feel the same way, but over the months my attitude has
changed. I've realized that my DH is in such an established
pattern with his kids that he either chooses to ignore the poor
behavior or doesn't even recognize it. It has been a touchy
subject in our house. So now, I do take the approach of 'convincing
him to correct them' and STOP short of thinking/feeling "DH,
can't you see this poor behavior yourself and put a stop to it?"
He's getting more sensitized (via me, his mother & one of my
close friends) to how the boys behavior is interpreted by someone
other than HIMSELF. I feel less and less that I have to convince
him to correct them, he's just doing it naturally; it's less
stressful for me to live with them, as a result.
I have to admit I've been ready to leave the relationship many
times in the past year, because of the very stuff you mention.
One big turning point for me was when my MIL stayed with us for
a week. SHE noticed this poor behavior and had a talking to
both boys about it. It made me feel like I wasn't totally out
of line in my thoughts/feelings.
One suggestion...if you like to read, there's a really good
book on practically every issue involved in step parenting:
The Enlightened Stepmother : Revolutionizing the Role
by Perdita Kirkness Norwood
Keep posting here, too!
Lynn
Boatinlady
I'm not taking mom's place.>>>
Ruth,
I used to be treated the same way by my ss. He would be rude, walk right by me
without saying "hi", and would totally ignore me the whole time he was at our
home. I spoke with dh about it, telling him that HE needed to correct the
problem.
What HE did was this. He took my ss, and went out for dinner. At dinner, he
explained to ss that the way he was treating me was not right. That his son
didn't have to love me, but he needed to treat me as he would want to be
treated himself.
Believe it or not, it worked!!!!! I believe I could have talked till I was
blue in the face with my ss, and nothing would have changed. BUT, dh talked
with him, and I truly noticed a difference right away.
IMHO, your DH should sit down and have a nice long chat with his son. And
SOON!!!!!
Pat
Laurie ATR
Ruth Berry wrote in message <38682D50...@i-1.net>...
>How do you all do it? does it EVER get better ??? is it worth all the
>fight and hassle that you have to put up with ???
I was in the same place as you this summer. I have no advise to give (not
knowing your husbands disposition). I wish you great luck and patience in
your undertaking. My divorce is final on the 12th of January... Obviously,
the fighting and hassle were NOT worth it to me. I am not happy with the
decission that I had to make, but it seems that the only time that there is
fussing and fighting anymore is when he comes to check on his mail on the
weekends. So much for the three happy years we had without the SD. Life
goes on. I suggest that you think of what you want and need, discuss this
with him and see if he cares in the least and/or is willing to stand up to
his daughter insted of question you.
Best of Luck,
Laurie
merrie
jane lawrence
>
>
> My problem is not so much THAT incident, but the whole attitude about how
> things are handled here. I have spoken to DH and he did agree to back me up,
> etc, yada, yada, yada.
>
> my big issue is that I shouldn't HAVE to convince him to correct her when she
> is rude or lies or is disrespectful. right? or am I being way too naive?
I don't know if it's naiveté, but you don't seem to be able to
accept that he has a different point of view. I'm not saying
his POV is right, either. People have different tolerance
levels for rudeness. Ignoring the lie about the check was an
option. Avoiding confrontation of unimportant things is not
evil. You think deceit and discourtesy are intolerable. DH
seems to think they're no big deal. My guess is that he feels
that you are forcing him to make scenes over things that don't
matter. If he thinks you're wrong, then getting him to back you
up will be like pulling teeth.
>
> on top of this, DH's started being hateful to my daughter, who is a
> wonderfully behaved 16 year old. I'm not blinded or seeing her through
> rose-colored glasses. anyone who knows her says how wonderful she is. She
> volunteered to help out in the church nursery last Sunday, and now they want
> to hire her. she's funny, respectful, smart, beautiful. and it just kills me
> to see that DH is getting back at me by picking on my daughter for my
> insistance that he correct his daughter's behavior.
I'm not taking sides in this. I suspect that DH could pretty
much write this whole paragraph about you, though. In his eyes,
his daughter is wonderful, you don't appreciate her, and you are
being hateful to her. He sees you finding fault with his child
and points out flaws in your child in defense of his own. He
doesn't think he's looking at his child through rose-colored
glasses any more than you do.
>
> those are all great ideas that you outline, but I've done all that. I am
> usually kind when I explain things to SD, but last night, I got snippy right
> back at her. THAT's when DH noticed that *I* was rude to his daughter. don't
> that just take the cake?
>
You need a marriage counselor. Unless you and your husband can
come to understand and accept each other's points of view,
you're not going to have much of a marriage even if you do stay
together. I'm leery of ministers as marriage counselors, for a
lot of reasons. If I were you I'd make sure that your minister
is skilled before I continued. Bad experiences with counseling
are worse than nothing.
Or you could walk now. Depends on whether you're up to a last
shot at it.
jane
Sarai
>married on October 2 of this past fall.
>
>I am discouraged. I am depressed. I am soooo close to throwing in the
>towel.
>
>fight and hassle that you have to put up with ???
>
>mouthed off to me at dinner at the mall. I responded, she mouthed off
>again, and I snapped at her. her father was pissed at ME for talking to
>HIS daughter that way! I told him he needed to correct her lack of
>respect for me NOW. after discussing this through two hallways in the
>mall, he finally pulled her aside and told her that she was to speak
>with me with the same respect as she speaks to him. she denied any
>wrong and I spoke up, "OF COURSE she's gonna deny it!"
>
>
>THat was that. then when I left with my daughter and the two of them
>went to the movies, I realized something...I shouldn't have HAD to tell
>him to correct her. If HE doesn't respect me, SHE never will.
Oh man, that sounds SO familiar...almost like a rerun of my life. It only
got better for me when I left, but at least it sounds like you guys go to
church (my ex refused to go) and can probably work this out. My ex just
wanted everything his way, no buts about it, so I really WAS fighting a
losing battle. I think the minister idea is a good one. Let us know what
happens *HUGE HUGS*!
Heather M.
MRBrunjes
being a parent is that I see my boyfriend's daughter for 2 days every other
weekend. :)
Second disclaimer (if that's the right word) - I was married for almost 16
years to a man that was non-communicative in general & emotionally
non-responsive specifically.
Lots of folks have given lots of advice here, either in direct response to
your post or previously to other posters. My favorites among the advice are
1) Draw up a contract that *all* parties must agree to, with the contract
being very specific as to expected behavior & responsibilities, &
consequences; 2) (mentioned in other threads) non-involvement - that's
where you leave any & everything to do with SD up to DH; and 3) the "do unto
others" method - where you don't do for her if she won't do for you.
Re 1 - everyone is in a new situation with new expectations that may not
even be realized by the parties concerned. Your SD may have been allowed to
always act as she pleases & up till the marriage you only saw the good side.
There are now new expectations of her & it may work better if they are
specifically spelled out. Also, consider allowing her to write in some
expectations & consequences not just of herself but of you & DH too. This
gives her some control over her life & lets you know what some of her
expectations/desires are. The major drawback with this whole idea, though,
is that DH may not back-up & adhere to the contract. If he doesn't support
it after it's set in place, it's not worth the paper it's written on for the
most part.
Re 2 - First the drawback with non-involvement is that you do have to
interact with SD & do want to have (& should have) some control over her
involvement in your life & that of BD. Although it seems as though DH has
his head in the sand, there will be some points at which giving into SD is
simply too inconvenient for him. She might want to go somewhere & he simply
can't take her. And, with non-involvement, you won't. She may begin to
value the contributions that you do make to her life. She may be heading to
the mall with friends & want some pocket money but DH isn't home. She won't
be able to turn to you. It might be best if you sit DH & SD down & explain
that you will no longer involve yourself in her life or support her in any
way. Non-involvement, at the least, relieves you of many responsibilities
you may have taken on.
Re 3 - The drawback with this method is that you can't always do tit for
tat. If she calls you foul names, you can't always respond in kind (either
'cause that's not the kind of person you or 'cause DH would then cry foul).
But anything she ever wants from you will have to be earned, big time!
The only one that can ever decide if you should leave your marriage is you.
That may be before you try any of the suggestions offered here or after. I
can try to pass on some learning that I picked up during my
marriage/divorce.
Regarding your ex's naivete regarding his daughter's behavior & whether you
have to point things out to him. Which is more important? That you not
*have* to point these things out to him? Or that he actually eventually
recognize them? A little story (sorry, I explain best with anecdotes). A
friend was having marital troubles - she didn't feel respected & felt she
did everything around the house. The truth is she did do everything around
the house & outside the house too. She had done for 20 years. Her DH had
gotten very used to that scheme of things. During their troubles, he said
that he would do things around the house too but he wanted to know how. For
instance, he wanted to know what he had to do to clean the bathroom. It
really bothered my friend that her DH expected to be told, quite
specifically, as if he were a child, how to clean a bathroom. He wanted to
do what she wanted him to do but he needed help & he asked her for it. The
sad (or not so sad) fact is that, yes, you may have to train your DH how to
be a better (or at least different) parent. It should definitely be
expected of you to train him in how you view the world - he really can't be
expected to just read your mind. Eventually he will know what his daughter
does that bugs you without his ever having to have you tell him. Just ask
yourself what is more important.
Regarding your DH's head in the sand. I now realize that some stress would
have been relieved from my marriage if I had just given in & taken
responsibility for alot of stuff - from finances to cleaning the house. I
would query my ex as to what he wanted, what he thought. The answer was
almost invariably "whatever you want" (I know this isn't quite your case).
I was pushing him to make all these decisions that he didn't really want to
make. They weren't hard decisions. Part of it was just that I'm way more
analytical than he was/is. He works more from his gut - I have to plan
things out first. He would have been mostly happy just doing what I told
him to. I got all hung up on "I shouldn't have to be the responsible one".
In your case... what if you can get your DH to agree - & continue to agree &
support - the idea that you're the boss; that you make the rules & set the
consequences? If he agrees, then it's your ball & you can run with it.
Only you can decide if you want that ball. And, even after agreeing, he
will eventually get resentful if you never let him in on any of the plans &
decisions. But could you live with his agreeing that you are the
tie-breaker? The one that gets to set the rules when he can't come up with
any idea?
Again, you are the only one that can decide if you have expended enough
energy to save your marriage.
Take care of yourself,
Melody
"Ruth Berry" <ru...@i-1.net> wrote in message
news:38682D50...@i-1.net...
> I've been lurking and semi-posting for several weeks now. I JUST got
> married on October 2 of this past fall.
>
> I am discouraged. I am depressed. I am soooo close to throwing in the
> towel.
>
> How do you all do it? does it EVER get better ??? is it worth all the
> fight and hassle that you have to put up with ???
>
> tonight, my brat of a step daughter (in therapy, if you remember)
> mouthed off to me at dinner at the mall. I responded, she mouthed off
> again, and I snapped at her. her father was pissed at ME for talking to
> HIS daughter that way! I told him he needed to correct her lack of
> respect for me NOW. after discussing this through two hallways in the
> mall, he finally pulled her aside and told her that she was to speak
> with me with the same respect as she speaks to him. she denied any
> wrong and I spoke up, "OF COURSE she's gonna deny it!"
>
>
> THat was that. then when I left with my daughter and the two of them
> went to the movies, I realized something...I shouldn't have HAD to tell
MRBrunjes
about picking out certain specific bad habits of hers to work on & letting
the rest slide for right now? Come up with a list that you can both agree
on that will always be adhered to. For instance, you'll put lying &
backtalk on there, while DH might put a few other things on there. You
might have to let some things slide for right now - like keeping her room
clean. When the initial list of things has been pretty much licked, then
move onto it other things that you both feel need to be worked on (but then
you have to keep her in check on the initial things too).
Take care of yourself,
Melody
"Ruth Berry" <ru...@i-1.net> wrote in message
news:386A10BE...@i-1.net...
> Jane,
>
> I respectfully disagree with just about everything you said about DH. he
does NOT
> accept her behavior as being okay. she is in therapy, and making itsy
bitsy steps
> toward being better. he thinks we should let her slide on a few lies and
disrespect
> issues so that we are not constantly "ON" her. I say if you let her know
it's okay
> to do 'sometimes' he is not setting any examples of expected character
from her.
> it's never okay to lie and it's never okay to be disrespectful. he
doesn't like
> confrontation and doesn't want to always be on her. it's not that his POV
is
> different about what he wants, it's that he doesn't want to be constantly
> confronting her.
>
> he doesn't think his daughter is "wonderful". he knows she has a lot of
problems,
> and we are all working on them. he knows I am being respectful to SD
(too much so
> in my opinion) and I am not usually hateful to her; that's why he got so
upset that
> I snapped at her, because I NEVER do that. he doesn't notice when she
does it
> because he is conditioned to her behavior. I need to ask him if he feels
I am
> forcing him to do things he is against. that is an important point.
>
> Thanks!
>
> Ruth
MRBrunjes
> I did make a list. the things on it are:
>
> lying
> manipulating situations
> disrespectful behavior to other family members (mouthing off)
> pouting when everyone doesnt' do what SHE wants
If I might suggest... the 2nd & 3rd items on your list are a bit vague-ish.
You know & I know what they mean but it might be helpful if you can zero in
on specific cases to deal with first. You did that somewhat in the 3rd case
by clarifying with "mouthing off" (a personal pet peeve of mine as well).
The pouting can sometimes be viewed as just more of 2 & 3. She is pouting
for effect - she wants to manipulate the situation to revolve around
herself. Course it is also a nicely specific thing too - you will simply
tell her that if she chooses to pout she can do so in her room. :)
Having No Lying, No Mouthing Off, & No Pouting as very specific rules &
putting very specific consequences with them should really help things. As
long as DH backs you up, hopefully you won't have too many more cases where
you snap back at her after a long or tiring day. She mouths off, then X, Y,
or Z happen. You might give her one warning to make sure she begins to form
a good definition of what you mean by mouthing off (though one would think
it would be self-evident) & then immediately upon the second offense, the
consequence takes effect!
> cleaning the room, etc. is not a condition upon which I will remain in my
> marriage, but the above things are.
I understand. Plus respect for people is much more important to establish
than respect for things.
> It's not so much "habits" as it is bad character traits which have been
allowed
> to go uncorrected. God, you should see this girl eat. it would make you
> nauseous. she gets both of her hands all greased up with food (palms too,
not
> just fingers) and shovels it in with both hands. then she'll place her
face
> down onto the plate to grab food with her teeth and eat it. her dad does
NOT
> even notice this. that's a disgusting bad habit, but I wouldn't consider
that a
> character trait gone bad like the lying and manipulating.
I won't say I have the best table manners on the planet but... :) I once
visited an ex-family member. Both he & his kids ate rather vigorously with
their mouths open... talked that way while eating too. I constantly had to
find a place to put my eyes during that meal I'll tell you! :)
>
> Ruth
Hope all begins to work out for you.
Take care of yourself,
Melody
MRBrunjes
your posts that, yes, I actually read first before responding. :)
Take care of yourself,
Melody
"Ruth Berry" <ru...@i-1.net> wrote in message
news:386A43DC...@i-1.net...
> > Your SD may have been allowed to
> > always act as she pleases & up till the marriage you only saw the good
side.
>
> you're kidding, right? LOL-no, BEFORE I would agree to marry him, he had
to
> agree to get her some help. I told him I couldn't and wouldn't live with
her
> the way she is.
>
jane lawrence
>
> Jane,
>
> I respectfully disagree with just about everything you said about DH. he does NOT
> accept her behavior as being okay. she is in therapy, and making itsy bitsy steps
> toward being better. he thinks we should let her slide on a few lies and disrespect
> issues so that we are not constantly "ON" her. I say if you let her know it's okay
> to do 'sometimes' he is not setting any examples of expected character from her.
> it's never okay to lie and it's never okay to be disrespectful. he doesn't like
> confrontation and doesn't want to always be on her. it's not that his POV is
> different about what he wants, it's that he doesn't want to be constantly
> confronting her.
Okay, then here you see a difference in your points of view. DH
thinks you should let her slide on some things and you think
that you should not let her slide. This sounds like what was
going on with your check example. He wanted to ignore it. You
insisted that he confront his child. This seems to be a pattern
in your disagreements with DH. Therefore, this is a conflict of
beliefs that you need to resolve.
As I said before, I don't care whether you leave him or not. If
you're going to stay together, you'll be miserable unless you
find a way to reconcile the differences in your points of view.
This isn't about who's right and who's wrong. This is about you
as a couple working together to resolve your differences.
jane
Didi Jakubowski
<some snipped>
> he thinks we should let her slide on a few lies and disrespect issues so that
we are not constantly "ON" her. I say if you let her know it's okay to do
'sometimes' he is not setting any examples of expected character from her.
You're right, IMHO....consistency is the key -- particularly when you are
trying to eliminate negative behavior.
sweet...@webtv.net
myself moving into a new home after only 1 month of us knowing each
other, we had alot to learn about each other. I had my ideas of how I
wanted "my" home to be ran. DH supported me mostly but, on some issues I
had to push a little harder.
All furnishings in the home were mine. ALL! I even had a room for SD
(furniture, some toys, etc..BM kept all SD's belongings) I didn't care
what happened to the stuff in SD's room but I did all the other. No
shoes on couch, don't touch my nick-nacks, etc. There's only one
bathroom and that meant sharing with everyone. I supplied SD with a few
bathroom frills of her own and allowed her to use "some" of my things
too yet, she rather have what was put on higher shelves or stored away
in the linen closet. After 4 confrontations with this and her excuse
being "she didn't want to use up her stuff" (I buy continuously for her,
she never does w/out and sometimes I think she has way too much for a 10
yo in the line of bubble bath and accesories) she was punished. She
picked up well (1 week) to grab her clothes from the bathroom after her
bath, (I ended up with a hamper in there for convenience) then it was
the shoes, 1 week later of us reminding her, that prob was licked too.
Another prob I saw was DH cutting her food for her. Food him and I could
cut with a fork. Ahem, she's 10. (she was babied alot) Maybe a tough
steak but Everything? I broke DH of this after slyishly inviting one of
SD's friend (1 yr younger than SD) over for dinner where she cut her own
dinner and even talked about the foods she was capable of cooking.
(small side dishes) I am teaching SD the ropes of the stove. DH thought
she was always going to get burned. She hasn't yet but, I'm sure she
will just like we all have. Ouch! We got her chores organized and for
the most she does them well, very well. BUT, I find it takes alot of
myself and DH to have to remind her. Constant reminders or questions,
did you? have you? We explained to her that the rules will change as she
gets older. Life will constantly change and we pointed out how far she
has come. We pointed out the clothes in the bathroom and how now that
never happens, or the shoes, or that she makes her bed everyday. We
praise her and when all goals are accomplished, we move on to the next.
Explaining what you want and doing it gradually is good, it takes time
and patience but, eventually it gets there. It gets better but, I have a
great SD to thank for it and a pretty good DH
Always,
Sylvia