Adult step-children and holidays
jane lawrence
>
> Ok, here's my dilemna.. I have 3 stepchildren in their 30's and all of a
> sudden, after I have been married to their dad for 17 years, they have decided
> to include both their stepdad and mom and myself and my husband in all family
> functions.
Can you take a cruise?
jane
jane lawrence
>
> x-no-archive: yes
>
> It sounds to me like your adult stepchildren have accepted your whole
> blended family fairly completely. It sounds like they love all of you, and
> assume that everyone is capable of sharing each other's lives without
> resorting to childish behaviour or squabbles over ancient history. I'm a
> bit confused as to how this fairly ideal resolution presents a problem for
> you.
>
> You always have the option of declining to attend. If you feel you cannot
> participate graciously in a larger family setting, then indeed, politely
> declining to attend is the best option (Note: politely declining does not
> mean saying "Because you've invited so and so, I won't be there." It means
> saying something like "Thanks so much for inviting me, but I have a previous
> engagement. I'm so very sorry. Your father will certainly attend, of
> course.").
I can see this for a wedding. Of course, it's much easier to
psyche yourself up for a once (or rarely) in a lifetime deal
like a wedding. When we're talking about that kind of event, I
generally give people the "you can do it" pep talk.
GKD's SKs are talking about every holiday. I can't pretend that
will be a tolerable situation for her. I have a pretty decent
relationship with the other coparents in my group, but I
wouldn't even consider spending all my holidays with them. In
fact, I can't imagine who would. I don't know what SKs are
thinking of, but it's not the comfort level of their guests.
I agree that GKD should either accept or politely decline. I
don't think anyone needs to explain such an obvious problem to
the adult children. I also understand why she's upset - this
means that she and her husband can no longer spend any holidays
with his children and grandchildren. That's a pretty horrible
prospect too. I imagine it will all work out over time and SKs
will realize that that is not what they want either and change
their position. Still, in the mean time, it must feel like
blackmail.
Two little points: 1) I don't see any reason to be angry with
the ex. I can't imagine it was her idea. 2) I'm stunned that
you - or they - imagine that DH would go without her.
jane
GDavis8733
sudden, after I have been married to their dad for 17 years, they have decided
to include both their stepdad and mom and myself and my husband in all family
cheek, but I do not want to spend every holiday with my hubby's ex. The first
year we were married, my husband left me and went back to his original wife and
kids. It wasn't that he missed her, it was the kids, and eventually after
counselling, he came back to me and we haven't had any problems since. I have
no problem just telling the kids that I am not comfortable with their plans,
however, they have also included my husband's family (parents, siblings) in the
invitations. This puts the grandparentsin a difficult situation since they are
aware of my feelings, and they are elderly and are usually not ready to decline
because this is their grandchildren's mother, after all. I actually am quite
livid that this is occurring after all these years and don't know who exactly I
should be angrier with, the kids or the ex? Any thoughts would be
appreciated. Thanks GKD
Anne Robotti
gives me HIVES to think of sitting down with my husband's ex for a
holiday! It's bad enough that I have to think about her every holiday
during the transfer/absence of SD! Once SD's over 18, my plan is never
to see BM again!
I guess that didn't help, huh?
Anne
Don't tell me I'll have to see her again <fingers in ears, "LA LA LA">
Vicki Robinson
:I actually am quite
:livid that this is occurring after all these years and don't know who exactly I
:should be angrier with, the kids or the ex? Any thoughts would be
:appreciated. Thanks GKD
Angry at the ex? Because she recieved an invitation to her own
children's home?
I think you have two options. Go, or don't. Your stepkids are
adults, they may invite whomever they wish to their home. Maybe they
thought that after 17 years everyone could relax and enjoy themselves.
(Frankly, that doesn't seem unreasonable. Why are you upset with your
husband's ex because *he* chose to leave you and go back to her many
years ago? That was *his* choice.)
In any case, you cannot dictate to your stepkids that they can't
invite you and their mother to the same event. The only control you
have is to decline the invitation if you really can't stand the
thought.
Vicki
--
Does it make any sense to say that I decompensate between
paradigms? Probably not. -Jane Lawrence
Yvette Campbell
the BM is just that - history - it is obvious that most people in your
blended family think that enough water has passed under the bridge that you
two should be able to coexist at family get-togethers...
If this isn't the case for you, (and it wouldn't be the case for me - ever)
then all you can do is to be gracious and exclude yourself from the family
function or holiday. No need to be nasty - just matter of fact - and get
away on your own or with other unconnected family members or friends...
Good luck working this out
Yvette
Deborah
grandparents over to your home for your own family gathering a few
days later.
I wouldn't be going..but I also wouldn't give up seeing my family
through the holidays.
Deb
On 14 Oct 1999 04:14:59 GMT, gdavi...@aol.com (GDavis8733) wrote:
>Ok, here's my dilemna.. I have 3 stepchildren in their 30's and all of a
>sudden, after I have been married to their dad for 17 years, they have decided
>to include both their stepdad and mom and myself and my husband in all family
>functions. I would like to be the kind of person who can just turn the other
>cheek, but I do not want to spend every holiday with my hubby's ex. The first
>year we were married, my husband left me and went back to his original wife and
>kids. It wasn't that he missed her, it was the kids, and eventually after
>counselling, he came back to me and we haven't had any problems since. I have
>no problem just telling the kids that I am not comfortable with their plans,
>however, they have also included my husband's family (parents, siblings) in the
>invitations. This puts the grandparentsin a difficult situation since they are
>aware of my feelings, and they are elderly and are usually not ready to decline
>because this is their grandchildren's mother, after all. I actually am quite
nancy g.
> GKD's SKs are talking about every holiday.
I'm not quite clear about exactly how many holidays she's talking
about. Is it really *every* one during the year? There are three
grown children. All three of them, apparently, have decided to invite
both their mother and their father to any family parties that they host.
I can't say that I think this is such a bad idea. After all, what's
their alternative? To say "Well, we're inviting Dad this time, so
Mom, you aren't welcome at our home for this holiday celebration"
and vice versa?
Do these three children alternate in hosting *every* family party
during the year? Doesn't Dad ever invite the children to come to his
house (where, I assume, Mom would know she wasn't invited), or doesn't
Mom ever have the party at her house? Doesn't any other relative on
one side or the other ever host the gatherings? Doesn't anyone ever
skip the party altogether and ... I don't know, go on a ski trip or
a cruise or something?
> I can't pretend that will be a tolerable situation for her.
> I have a pretty decent relationship with the other coparents
> in my group, but I wouldn't even consider spending all my holidays
> with them. In fact, I can't imagine who would.
But it's been *seventeen years* since this couple divorced. Their
children are all adults now, and have been adults for years. These
adult children are having a family party. Under those circumstances,
wouldn't you be able to go, along with your husband, to a party at
his children's house, even if his ex would be at the same party?
I agree that doing it for *every* holiday would be a bit much.
But then, I've always considered that getting dressed up and going
to someone else's house to sit around making small talk and watching
people drink and eat too much while they gossip about the ones who
aren't there is a pretty strange way to mark a celebration, anyway.
I'd much rather have a small group of friends over to my own house,
or perhaps go out somewhere together, rather than sit through a dozen
family gatherings a year, no matter *how* much I might like each
member of the family individually.
> I don't know what SKs are thinking of, but it's not
> the comfort level of their guests.
Again, what are their alternatives? Maybe for the past seventeen
years they've known that their mom and their dad are keeping "score",
tracking who visits who during which holiday season, seeing which
parents go to which child's house more times ... maybe they finally got
sick of all the negotiations that needed to be done every time there
was a holiday, and finally decided among themselves, "Look, we'll just
invite them both, and whoever wants to come, can come." I think that
sounds like a very sensible attitude. It was probably tough on the
kids seventeen years ago when their parents divorced. It shouldn't
*still* be causing them trouble in their current lives.
> I agree that GKD should either accept or politely decline. I
> don't think anyone needs to explain such an obvious problem to
> the adult children. I also understand why she's upset - this
> means that she and her husband can no longer spend any holidays
> with his children and grandchildren. That's a pretty horrible
> prospect too. I imagine it will all work out over time and SKs
> will realize that that is not what they want either and change
> their position. Still, in the mean time, it must feel like
> blackmail.
What have they been doing for the past seventeen years, that this
new plan is such a dramatic change? Is it possible that the kids have
been spending every holiday with their Dad, and that Mom hasn't been
able to see them on any of these occasions? Have they been inviting
Dad to spend each holiday with them while Mom sat home? Has Dad been
hosting all the family's gatherings all year round? There's too many
details that I don't know that make it a little hard to determine just
what kind of a change this new plan represents.
And how does Mom feel about all this? Maybe she's feeling as awkward
as Dad is about it. Maybe she'd be delighted to work out a plan where
she attends some of the parties and Dad attends the others, or one
where he arrives and leaves early, while she gets there late, just
as he's on his way home. There are plenty of compromises that could
be made here. I don't see it as an all-or-nothing decision.
> Two little points: 1) I don't see any reason to be angry with
> the ex. I can't imagine it was her idea.
I agree on this point.
> 2) I'm stunned that you - or they - imagine that DH would go
> without her.
I don't know about this one. If one of my adult children were having
a family holiday party, and I'd been invited, and I was willing to attend
even though I knew my ex would be present, and my new husband told me
that *he* didn't want to go (even though I did want to, and it's my
children we're talking about, and it's my ex that would be there) --
well, I'm having a hard time imagining such a situation taking place
in my real life so I'm not at all sure how I'd deal with it, but the idea
of going without him is at least a possibility, and I don't think it
should stun anyone that I'd consider it so. If *I* am willing to
attend, why in the name of heaven should *he* be the one to decide that
*we* shouldn't?
It seems like, in the long run, GKD needs to decide which she would
rather do -- be with her husband and his children and grandchildren
at a holiday party, or refuse to set foot in the same house as her
husband's ex.
I'm not trying to tell GKD what she should or shouldn't do. But
neither am I ready to agree with her that this is a horrible thing
the children have done to her family.
nancy g.
jane lawrence
I'm just going to snip little bits out.
>
> jane lawrence wrote:
>
> > GKD's SKs are talking about every holiday.
>
> I'm not quite clear about exactly how many holidays she's talking
> about.
All I know is that OP said it was all of them:
> [OP]...... they have decided
> to include both their stepdad and mom and myself and my husband in all family
> functions. I would like to be the kind of person who can just turn the other
> cheek, but I do not want to spend every holiday with my hubby's ex.
> Me:
> > I can't pretend that will be a tolerable situation for her.
> > I have a pretty decent relationship with the other coparents
> > in my group, but I wouldn't even consider spending all my holidays
> > with them. In fact, I can't imagine who would.
> nancyg:
> But it's been *seventeen years* since this couple divorced. Their
> children are all adults now, and have been adults for years. These
> adult children are having a family party. Under those circumstances,
> wouldn't you be able to go, along with your husband, to a party at
> his children's house, even if his ex would be at the same party?
>
God no. Never. Absolutely not. Under no circumstances. No
Way. No How. If you think I'm going to make nice and pretend
we are one big happy family when the kids are in their 30s,
you're out of your mind.
And I'm willing to consider just about *anything* if it's
important for the kids while they're growing up. If it were
important enough, I could and would do this on a rare occasion
now. Even when they're grown, I can't imagine that DH and I
will have any problem stumping up for the weddings, graduations,
or christenings. But there is no way in hell I'm going to spend
my holidays with our exes. Holidays are for family and
friends. They are not my family and they are not my friends.
> Me:
> > I don't know what SKs are thinking of, but it's not
> > the comfort level of their guests.
> Nancyg:
> Again, what are their alternatives?
What every one else does, trade off. There are a million ways
to split it up. You can alternate holidays at Mom's and Dad's,
go to Mom's in the morning and Dad's in the afternoon, have Mom
over one kid's house and Dad's over another. Celebrate at Mom's
a day early or Dad's a day late. All the things we do with the
kids now. Sure, it's a pain in the ass - big deal.
>
> > 2) I'm stunned that you - or they - imagine that DH would go
> > without her.
>
> I don't know about this one. If one of my adult children were having
> a family holiday party, and I'd been invited, and I was willing to attend
> even though I knew my ex would be present, and my new husband told me
> that *he* didn't want to go (even though I did want to, and it's my
> children we're talking about, and it's my ex that would be there) --
> well, I'm having a hard time imagining such a situation taking place
> in my real life so I'm not at all sure how I'd deal with it, but the idea
> of going without him is at least a possibility, and I don't think it
> should stun anyone that I'd consider it so. If *I* am willing to
> attend, why in the name of heaven should *he* be the one to decide that
> *we* shouldn't?
If it's fine with both people in the couple, it's fine with me.
I have trouble conceiving relationships where spending holidays
together is not important to the couple, but I am sure they
exist. I am also sure that OP is not in one of those
relationships. I'm sure she expects her husband to spend the
holidays with her doing whatever they agree on. They are a
couple. The kids are grown and gone. They have in-laws and
kids and BM. Now the couple is the center of the holiday. How
could DH possibly spend his holidays with the kids if there will
be no joy in it for his wife? At this stage of life, shouldn't
her pleasure in the day be his main concern?
You know, I think this may have been the most selfish thing I
have ever heard. I don't care how inconvenient the juggling and
negotiation over the holidays is. These people raised those
kids. Now the kids are telling them that they can never have a
joyful family holiday again.
jane
chris
How did you go with your own "family function" dilemma ie your SS's 18th
birthday party. Last I remember you were going to ask SS not to invite BM.
Is that what happened.
Chris
In article <qVkN3.380$aQ....@newsfeeds.bigpond.com>,
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Grace F Rohrer
step-children and hol.. by GDavi...@aol.com
decided
>
> to include both their stepdad and mom and myself and my husband in all family
> functions. I would like to be the kind of person who can just turn the other
> cheek, but I do not want to spend every holiday with my hubby's ex.
>
> year we were married, my husband left me and went back to his original
wife an
> d
> kids. It wasn't that he missed her, it was the kids, and eventually after
> counselling, he came back to me and we haven't had any problems since.
I have
>
> no problem just telling the kids that I am not comfortable with their plans,
> however, they have also included my husband's family (parents,
siblings) in th
> e
> invitations. This puts the grandparentsin a difficult situation since
they ar
> e
> aware of my feelings, and they are elderly and are usually not ready
to declin
> e
> because this is their grandchildren's mother, after all. I actually am quite
> livid that this is occurring after all these years and don't know who
exactly
> I
> should be angrier with, the kids or the ex? Any thoughts would be
> appreciated. Thanks GKD
Take each event as it comes: call the step child who sent you the
invitation and say, "I'd love to come, but I will be very uncomfortable
and not have a good time if your mother is there. Could you please
tell me if she is not coming, because then I'll be there with bells
on!" If it turns out there mother is going to be there--don't go--
but please allow your husband the option of going without you if
he so chooses.
I think you need to work on that anger a bit. After 17 years--you
have stayed married to your husband, without problems as you report.
It sounds to me like you have won this man for life. What are you
afraid of? That somehow is ex is going to win him back at this point?
The step kids are just trying to give everyone the opportunity to
share the joy of grandchildren. It doesn't seem to me to be fair
to be angry with them. But it does make sense to ask them to invite
you to functions their mother won't be at, if you are that uncomfortable
around her. Why be mad at the ex? It doesn't sound to me like
she's manipulating her kids to invite you and your husband. In fact
it sounds to me like somehow these kids ended up being pretty big-
hearted an generous and just wanting their own children to have
the benefit of knowing all their grandparents and step-grandparents!
I hope you are able to make some peace with yourself, and allow your
husband to enjoy his family and his grandkids!
Grace
Tracey
>negotiation over the holidays is.
And, boy, can it get inconvenient!! I'm feeling a bit
selfish because I'm NOT wanting to drive down to
Indiana for the holidays....and I'm NOT wanting to
have my stepkids come here for the holidays. It's
been YEARS since we (read: I) have had a nice
relaxed holiday. I've either been at my parents or
one or the other of the stepkids has been at the
house in all but one of the last 6 Christmases. And
both of those situations brings with it a level of
tension that makes Christmas not so fun and
relaxing for me :(.
--
Tracey
"Health is merely the slowest possible
way you can die."
--Solomon Short--
Vicki Robinson
:You know, I think this may have been the most selfish thing I
:have ever heard. I don't care how inconvenient the juggling and
:negotiation over the holidays is. These people raised those
:kids. Now the kids are telling them that they can never have a
:joyful family holiday again.
I was with you in theory up to this point. I don't share your view as
applying to my own life, but I can see your point as it applies to
yours. But I think you've overstated the case in this paragraph.
I'm the grown kid who insists on inviting everyone, and will not be
offended if they decline. If you've got, say 30 family members
(which, if you're counting grandparents and all the babies and spouses
and everyone, isn't exaggerating) and they all think that celebrating
together is Just The Thing, are they supposed to forgo that because
the adult kids' stepmother is still mad after 17 years? I found it
telling that she was trying to decide to be mad at the kids or the ex;
there's still some unresolved baggage about the ex beyond just not
being the kind of person she wants to spend Christmas with. And there
is nothing terrible about that, until she expects the entire extended
family to accommodate it.
I think that if it's important to her to see family at the holiday, she
could ask the people she wants to see over the day or week before or
after. But to tell the other 28 people that they're being selfish
because she doesn't want to be around her DH's ex and that now she can
never have a joyful family holiday again is ... sort of childish.
Like you said, there are lots of ways to work around this, but I think
she's the one with the aversion, which is of course not pathological.
She's the one who has to figure out the workaround that satisfies her.
ye...@my-deja.com
jane lawrence <jan...@excite.com> wrote:
I know that I'm responding late, but here goes. Both my parents are
divorced, and have been since I was 15 years old, they've spent every
Christmas together since their divorce (either at my brothers or my
mom's). I was the first person to ever "miss" a family Christmas nine
years ago when I lived in France for a year. My brothers were mad, they
thought I should've flown home for Christmas.
Thanksgiving is more casual, there's always a huge gathering, whoever
can come, friends, families, strangers..it's pretty much open house.
My dad has a SO, my mom does not. As far as we can tell she is ok with
family gatherings and being around my mom. We all really like her and
are glad that she chooses to come to family gatherings.
My fiance's parents are divorced both remarried, they've never been able
to be around each other easily, until this last year, his dad is
divorced again,and they all got together a few times at my fiances house
on his invitation. I know that now Holidays will be really confusing
between my fiance's children's holiday schedules, my family's schedule
and his family's schedule.
My dad and his SO, for the first time, are having Christmas at their
place, they've invited everyone except my mom, and set up a date
parameter for visits...Dec20 thru Jan04..and we're all welcome for all
or any part of it.
It's different, but we've known for a long time that our family
christmas would change. We'll adjust.
Things change, families change, flexibility is very important.
Rebecca
re-live unresolved childhood issues until you resolve them. I'm struck, in my
own life, by how true that has been.
I always saw my parents relationship as one with very rigid gender roles (dad
hunter-gatherer, mom nurturer) and was troubled by what I saw as my mom's
non-assertiveness in re: the relationship. So I married her. (Oh, sounds
weird.) At a very young age, I married an extremely passive man and expected
him to change into Mr. Assertive and self-confident.
Why he married me? Well, he felt abandoned by his dad, was raised by a very
dominant mother-figure, so I guess he married his mom, too. Then I divorced
him, and he got to go through the whole abandonment thing again, this time,
taking out all the anger he had at his father on me.
My SO and his ex similarly re-faced (are re-facing) issues from their own
childhoods in working out how they will (or will not) co-parent the child they
created together.
I've come to a place over the last few years where I think it should be a LOT
harder to get married - instead of requiring classes for divorcing people, how
about for married ones? Then maybe more of the issues re: different
backgrounds, psychology, expectations and life goals would come up *before*
marriage, instead of after divorce.
Vicki Robinson wrote:
> What's your theory?
lilblakdog
news:_bMO3.803$As1....@typhoon.aracnet.com...
> 6. After he got his PhD, he would be nicer because he would no longer
> feel he needed to prove he was smarter than me, better than me, etc.
> Note: I was wrong.
Ouch!
This was always a sore spot for DH and I. He had a severe complex about
it--I can only imagine kids called him stupid or some similar thing when he
was younger, because he was hell bent on believing that he knew everything I
did and then some.
He has never allowed me to explain the things that stepson goes through with
his asthma. I have asthma--DH and biomom don't. He insists that he
"knows". Therefore, signs that *I* can recognise go unrecognised by him
because he refuses to allow me to teach them to him.
Sometimes DH would be bugging me about some silly little thing and I'd play
getting upset. Stepson would ask what was wrong and I'd laughingly say,
"Your father's acting like an idiot." That would be the very end of a
pleasant evening.
My kingdom for a secure man!
lil
Louise Taylor
> In any case, my point here (and I do have one) is that Cindy's
> sentence up there prodded me to ask why so many of us ignore the
> warning flags and just walk right into the fire that we know is there.
> Is it that we think things will change? That we believe we can
> tolerate the heat? That we fool ourselves that the heat isn't really
> all that bad, and it beats being alone? That we are trying to relive
> childhood fires and this time make them come out right? That we're
> simply blinded by lust and love and refuse to see what's in front of
> us? All of these things?
> What's your theory?
Now you all have me thinking about my first marriage. First my childhood,
now the marriage from hell. I might have to stop reading this group
because I don't think I can handle many more growth experiences this
month. :-)
Seriously, all of the above. I married my ex for several reasons, most of
which are freaking tragic.
1. The only person to ever love me unconditionally was dead and at the
time, I believed that I would never find that again. Note: I was wrong.
2. My ex's version of love beat my family's version anyway you slice it.
Note: I was wrong.
3. His family would grow to love me in time. I wasn't marrying them, I
was marrying him. Note: I was wrong.
4. He would grow more secure and wouldn't be controlling with time.
Note: I was wrong.
5. He would learn to love some of the things that I did just as I learned
to love some of the things he loved. Note: I was wrong.
6. After he got his PhD, he would be nicer because he would no longer
feel he needed to prove he was smarter than me, better than me, etc.
Note: I was wrong.
7. I thought when he said I love you, it meant what I thought it was
supposed to mean. Note: I was wrong.
Seven wrongs don't make it right.
Louise
Louise Taylor
> Louise Taylor <lsu...@shell2.aracnet.com> wrote in message
> news:_bMO3.803$As1....@typhoon.aracnet.com...
>> 6. After he got his PhD, he would be nicer because he would no longer
>> feel he needed to prove he was smarter than me, better than me, etc.
>> Note: I was wrong.
> Ouch!
> This was always a sore spot for DH and I. He had a severe complex about
> it--I can only imagine kids called him stupid or some similar thing when he
> was younger, because he was hell bent on believing that he knew everything I
> did and then some.
I never did figure out the ex on this matter. He was in the Honors
Program at college that only accepted 20 people each year. In fact, he
beat me out for it but always felt that I should have been there instead
of him. I could tell him something, he would say it was wrong and
continue to say it was wrong even if I had documented evidence proving my
point. Eventually, I just quit trying. He worked overtime in trying to
prove me wrong at every turn.
> He has never allowed me to explain the things that stepson goes through with
> his asthma. I have asthma--DH and biomom don't. He insists that he
> "knows". Therefore, signs that *I* can recognise go unrecognised by him
> because he refuses to allow me to teach them to him.
Idiot!!!
> Sometimes DH would be bugging me about some silly little thing and I'd play
> getting upset. Stepson would ask what was wrong and I'd laughingly say,
> "Your father's acting like an idiot." That would be the very end of a
> pleasant evening.
> My kingdom for a secure man!
Lil, they are out there. I have one now but he wasn't where I thought to
find him. We even sing this little song we heard on Mr. Bumpy... I am
right and you are wrong, I am going to sing the I was right song. :-) We
have fun with it. I wouldn't have dared sung that song around the ex.
That would have been asking for him to throw something at me.
Louise
GDavis8733
agree with the person who said the Stepchildren probably just decided to invite
everybody and to heck with it, if they came fine, if not fine. I guess I am
just feeling uneasy that the BM has not had any contact with my hubby's family
in all these years, and now suddenly, is included in "my" family's holidays.
Especially when it has been known my hubby and I will not be available for TDay
since we are going out west to spend it with a recently transferred stepson. So
the TDay will be my hubby's kids, my hubby's family and his ex and her new man.
I'm just wondering why none of this bonding was thought about until now. Also,
TDay is the day we draw names for our Christmas exchange, is the ex to be
included in this also? Gee, I can only hope I get her name...........GKD
Merrie
Merrie