Vent - wish I could do SOMETHING
Zipadee
seems to be outside my circle. Just another in a long line
of events between DD and ex's live-in GF.
Last night, GF called my DD (age 16) at my house to
complain because DD had put GF's clothes in the dryer
when DD wanted to start a wash and GF's clothing was
in there. Isn't that the considerate thing to do?
GF was asleep at the time, it was late. My children
are at their dad's house a few nights each week and
they do their own laundry.
Of course, I only heard my DD's side of the conversation
and then I left the room but heard yelling from DD. She
was asking what GF wanted her to do - take it out and
leave it somewhere wet? Wake GF up and ask? I think
GF didn't want her to use the machines at all since
GF's stuff was sitting in there even though DD needed
to do her own (DD's) laundry. After a
few minutes of yelling back and forth, DD said she
had to go do her homework and hung up on GF. GF called
back and DD decided not to answer her phone. I'm also
told by my kids that GF acts like she owns the machines -
if their stuff is in there when she wants to use the machines,
she'll just take it out and leave it crumpled in a basket.
My DS tells me he FOLDS her stuff if he has to take it
out but she doesn't do the same for him.
DD waited til this morning to listen to the message GF left.
I don't know everything she said but DD is having some
friends visit from out-of-town over vacation (to visit DD
and a number of other local kids that took a group trip this
summer) and GF threatened to not allow the out-of-towners
stay at their house because DD hung up on her. To ME, this
sort of punishment, that adversely affects others, who have
already made travel plans is just not right. (As well as
out-of-scale for the crime of hanging up on GF). I would
let them stay at my house but I'll be away or DD would never
even have asked her dad about having friends stay there.
I'm hoping GF will calm down but the time my kids go
there this evening. I wonder where DD will find HER clothing
when she gets there.
Maybe I can just suggest to my ex that he buy GF her own
washer and dryer?
Thanks for listening.
-- Z
Tracey
Zipadee wrote:
> Maybe I can just suggest to my ex that he buy GF her own
> washer and dryer?
I don't know of many relationships between divorced people
where a suggestion like this would go over very well but if
you think it would, go for it. :)
I know you didn't particularly ask for suggestions and that's
good because I don't really have one. Seems like a no-win
situation for your daughter. I mean, let's see what the options
were when she realized she had laundry to do and GF was asleep
and GF's clothes were in the dryer:
1. Take wet clothes out of the washer, put in basket (to drip
all over the place) until her clothes were done then replacing
them into the washing machine.
2. Do what she did and dry them for GF.
Your daughter tried nr. 2 and got yelled at for it. Can't see
that number one would have made much difference in the reaction,
can you?
I hate no-win situations.
Tracey
The Watsons
"Tracey" <rbran...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:41C30E4F...@aol.com...
> I hate no-win situations.
The perverse part of me would do the second option, though I might put a
towel down so I didn't have to clean the floor later. ;D
The not so perverse part of me wonders if possibly the clothes DD dried were
clothes that shouldn'tve gone in the dryer? I've got a couple of shirts that
are drip-dry and a skirt that's dry clean.
Jess
DrLith
"The Watsons" <warped...@mail.net> wrote in message
news:rhEwd.732$ry.715@fed1read01...
Just as a matter of common laundry room ethics...I think in general it's a
bad idea to put someone else's clothes in the dryer (or the washer, for that
matter) unless they specifically ask you to, for the very reason that there
are some clothes that should not go in the dryer. It's better to be safe
than to ruin a $100 wool sweater. That said, it's also bad manners to chew
someone out if they do put your clothes in the dryer.
I don't know what's up with all y'alls washers, though, that a basket of
"wet" clothing would drip on the floor. Do you not have a spin cycle that
spins out nearly all the water?
The Watsons
"DrLith" <drl...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:cpv3uq$4cu$1...@ngspool-d02.news.aol.com...
> I don't know what's up with all y'alls washers, though, that a basket of
> "wet" clothing would drip on the floor. Do you not have a spin cycle that
> spins out nearly all the water?
Well, yeah, but there's still enough water left to drip a bit. *shrugs*
Jess
Tracey
DrLith wrote:
> I don't know what's up with all y'alls washers, though, that a basket of
> "wet" clothing would drip on the floor.
Would 'seep' be a better word to use, oh wise one? :P
Tracey
DrLith
Bi....
....
....
nah.
(DrLith is glad she works in an office with four walls and a door, so no one
can see her laughing uncontrollably)
*Calinda*
LOL...
The only solution I can think of for this girl, in the future, would be
to have take the clothes out of the washer and put into a basket..
finish her laundry and then put the wet clothes back into the washer.
How often does DD spend at each house? I know you're fairly close to
50/50, correct? Is there any way she would be willing (annoying, I
know).. to bring her laundry to your house and do it there?
What I can't stand about this type of situation is that from all you've
said previously, this girlfriend treats DD like she's an unwelcome guest
in her home with her father. Sad.
--
Cal~
Calinda dot Letter S at Gmail dot com
Tracey
DrLith wrote:
> "Tracey" <rbran...@aol.com> wrote in message
> news:41C3167...@aol.com...
>
>>
>>DrLith wrote:
>>
>>
>>>I don't know what's up with all y'alls washers, though, that a basket of
>>>"wet" clothing would drip on the floor.
>>
>>Would 'seep' be a better word to use, oh wise one? :P
>
>
> Bi....
>
>
> ....
>
> ....
>
> nah.
Ah, go ahead. A Christmas season going by without being called a
bitch is just not Christmas for me. LOL
>
> (DrLith is glad she works in an office with four walls and a door, so no one
> can see her laughing uncontrollably)
Glad to hear someone else sometimes loses it over silliness. :)
Tracey
Zipadee
>
> The only solution I can think of for this girl, in the future,
> would be to have take the clothes out of the washer and put
> into a basket.. finish her laundry and then put the wet clothes
> back into the washer.
>
> How often does DD spend at each house? I know you're fairly close to
> 50/50, correct? Is there any way she would be willing (annoying, I
> know).. to bring her laundry to your house and do it there?
The point of having clothing at each house is so that they don't
have to bring clothing back and forth. I always thought this was
better. I still do. The kids are at their dad's 2-4 nights a week.
I think GF's complaint was that some of the clothing ended up
wrinkled. Perhaps GF prefers to remove things immediately at
the end of the dryer cycle and she couldn't in this case.
I don't think anything was ruined.
This probably WAS a no-win situation. I'm not sure what the
point was of calling DD up to yell about it though. What
was DD supposed to do at that point, especially since she
wasn't even over there to do anything?
I can't really blame DD for hanging up on GF.
> What I can't stand about this type of situation is that from all
> you've said previously, this girlfriend treats DD like she's an
> unwelcome guest in her home with her father. Sad.
Yeah. I think GF wishes she didn't have to deal with the kids at all.
I have NO idea if my ex was even aware of this latest exchange.
In an email to him today about other things, I did include one
sentence suggesting he buy GF her own washer and dryer. Last summer
I did get him to buy additional laundry baskets when I heard that
GF would dump the kids' clean, folded laundry out if she wanted
an additional basket to use. But baskets are cheap.
-- Z
*Calinda*
@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com:
> *Calinda* wrote:
>>
>> The only solution I can think of for this girl, in the future,
>> would be to have take the clothes out of the washer and put
>> into a basket.. finish her laundry and then put the wet clothes
>> back into the washer.
>>
>> How often does DD spend at each house? I know you're fairly close to
>> 50/50, correct? Is there any way she would be willing (annoying, I
>> know).. to bring her laundry to your house and do it there?
>
> The point of having clothing at each house is so that they don't
> have to bring clothing back and forth. I always thought this was
> better. I still do. The kids are at their dad's 2-4 nights a week.
Normally, I'd agree with you, given the amount of time spent at each home.
> I think GF's complaint was that some of the clothing ended up
> wrinkled. Perhaps GF prefers to remove things immediately at
> the end of the dryer cycle and she couldn't in this case.
> I don't think anything was ruined.
>
> This probably WAS a no-win situation. I'm not sure what the
> point was of calling DD up to yell about it though. What
> was DD supposed to do at that point, especially since she
> wasn't even over there to do anything?
>
> I can't really blame DD for hanging up on GF.
>
>> What I can't stand about this type of situation is that from all
>> you've said previously, this girlfriend treats DD like she's an
>> unwelcome guest in her home with her father. Sad.
>
> Yeah. I think GF wishes she didn't have to deal with the kids at all.
> I have NO idea if my ex was even aware of this latest exchange.
> In an email to him today about other things, I did include one
> sentence suggesting he buy GF her own washer and dryer. Last summer
> I did get him to buy additional laundry baskets when I heard that
> GF would dump the kids' clean, folded laundry out if she wanted
> an additional basket to use. But baskets are cheap.
When you suggested this, did you tell him why you suggested it? I just
can't imagine saying something like that to my ex and have it go over
well. What does your ex think about the way his girlfriend treats your
daughter? Does he also treat the daughter like an unwelcome guest?
rebecca
"Zipadee" <phonef...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1103312937.4...@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
> In an email to him today about other things, I did include one
> sentence suggesting he buy GF her own washer and dryer. Last summer
Wow, you guys must get along. I think my head would explode if anyone
suggested that to me.
Been thinking about this, and while you don't have any control, really, over
what the gf does (within limits, I mean), you can control her attempting to
argue with your kid at your home, can't you?
I mean, would it make it easier or harder for your daughter if you simply
told your ex that you would prefer they save arguments or disciplining
they've decided to do for his time? He sees them quite often, it's not like
it would be a hardship or anything for him (or gf) not to yell at your kids
when they were with you.
What do you think?
rebecca
Zipadee
> When you suggested this, did you tell him why you suggested it? I
just
> can't imagine saying something like that to my ex and have it go over
> well. What does your ex think about the way his girlfriend treats
your
> daughter? Does he also treat the daughter like an unwelcome guest?
My ex and I do get along very well and he knew why I suggested it.
He treats the kids well at his house, not like unwelcome guests.
The kids tell me he does most of the cooking and he's the one
who drives them where they need to go. He certainly doesn't seem
to expect his GF to do his parenting.
He doesn't really understand why GF and the kids don't get along well.
He tries to keep out of it.
My ex, and to an extent, our son, are easy going and "go along to get
along" types. So DS, while he finds GF quite annoying, mostly tries
to avoid getting her annoyed at him. So that leaves the two females,
GF and DD, who each like getting their own way, to tangle from time
to time.
GF finds having their stuff around annoying though she has
plenty of her own stuff lying around. The kids say she is
stressed a lot about various things (work, etc). I suppose
if I had to live with people I didn't like, especially if
they dared to interfere with my having exclusive access to
the laundry machines (note the sarcasm) I would be too.
-- Z
Zipadee
> "Zipadee" <phonef...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:1103312937.4...@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
> > In an email to him today about other things, I did include one
> > sentence suggesting he buy GF her own washer and dryer. Last summer
>
> Wow, you guys must get along. I think my head would explode if
anyone
> suggested that to me.
My ex and I DO get along very well. People comment on it. He's fine
to be divorced from - now I don't have to live with him.
He just laughed at my suggestion. I suggested he put it in one of the
two rooms that GF has taken over for her stuff.
> Been thinking about this, and while you don't have any control,
really, over
> what the gf does (within limits, I mean), you can control her
attempting to
> argue with your kid at your home, can't you?
Not really. GF called DD on her cell phone.
> I mean, would it make it easier or harder for your daughter if you
simply
> told your ex that you would prefer they save arguments or
disciplining
> they've decided to do for his time? He sees them quite often, it's
not like
> it would be a hardship or anything for him (or gf) not to yell at
your kids
> when they were with you.
My ex wouldn't do this. He has no control over his GF's actions. He
doesn't always agree with how she does things. The first time GF
called ME to complain about DD, ex later told me he didn't know she
was going to call.
> What do you think?
I agree, there was no need to call DD at my house. I assume GF
was too angry to wait to complain to DD about her actions.
I did hear more of the story tonight. DD said she put GF's laundry
in the dryer and when it was dry, took it out and put it neatly in
a basket. DD did a wash and put her own stuff in the dryer but then
went to bed. She left it there the next morning (Thurs) when she
went to school and wasn't back there Thurs night.
Tonight when my ex picked up the kids he said that his GF is VERY
fussy about her laundry (ya think?) so he knows better than to
touch it. He thinks DD should have taken it out wet, done her own
laundry, then put GF's stuff back in the washer so it would be
where GF expected it to be and LOOK untouched. He also said
that GF, when she found DD's laundry still in the dryer,
took it out and threw it in another room. (How mature of her.)
Ex, to his credit, picked it up and put it neatly in DD's room.
Hopefully everyone has calmed down now. DD and DS went there
tonight.
-- Z
Melissa
That may be part of what's pissing GF off so much. She might feel totally
unsupported in her attempts to build relationships with his kids.
>GF finds having their stuff around annoying though she has
>plenty of her own stuff lying around. The kids say she is
>stressed a lot about various things (work, etc). I suppose
>if I had to live with people I didn't like, especially if
>they dared to interfere with my having exclusive access to
>the laundry machines (note the sarcasm) I would be too.
>
>-- Z
I have alot of sympathy for GF. She doesn't have kids right? It's not an easy
adjustment moving in with a man who has kids and see them frequently especially
when you're used to living alone. Plus it seems like Dad isn't that interested
in helping GF or the kids out as far as relating.
I used to be that GF. Having kids around was quite a big change, especially my
SO's 13 year old daughter. Sometimes SO wasn't very good at easing the
conflict. It made me nuts.
And I can TOTALLY relate to the stuff thing too. I leave crap everywhere but
seeing my living room filled with toys for the first time was jarring.
Love,
Melissa
"We're in fourth grade Jimmy we don't even know what ethical means."
-Eric Cartman
*Calinda*
> *Calinda* wrote:
>
>> When you suggested this, did you tell him why you suggested it? I
> just
>> can't imagine saying something like that to my ex and have it go over
>
>> well. What does your ex think about the way his girlfriend treats
> your
>> daughter? Does he also treat the daughter like an unwelcome guest?
>
> My ex and I do get along very well and he knew why I suggested it.
>
> He treats the kids well at his house, not like unwelcome guests.
> The kids tell me he does most of the cooking and he's the one
> who drives them where they need to go. He certainly doesn't seem
> to expect his GF to do his parenting.
>
> He doesn't really understand why GF and the kids don't get along well.
> He tries to keep out of it.
BINGO! He needs to stop staying out of it. He needs to get *both* his
*kids* to respect *her* and for *her* to start respecting *them*.. they
are inhabitants of that household, not some interlopers and he needs to
get them all to start respecting each other. His allowing his girlfriend
to treat his daughter like an unwelcome person in her home will only cause
the problem to continue.
> My ex, and to an extent, our son, are easy going and "go along to get
> along" types. So DS, while he finds GF quite annoying, mostly tries
> to avoid getting her annoyed at him. So that leaves the two females,
> GF and DD, who each like getting their own way, to tangle from time
> to time.
>
> GF finds having their stuff around annoying though she has
> plenty of her own stuff lying around. The kids say she is
> stressed a lot about various things (work, etc). I suppose
> if I had to live with people I didn't like, especially if
> they dared to interfere with my having exclusive access to
> the laundry machines (note the sarcasm) I would be too.
Yeah.. forget that the kids were there first, and she made a conscious
decision to move into their home with them. This would drive me batshit
as a parent.
*Calinda*
>>He tries to keep out of it.
>
> That may be part of what's pissing GF off so much. She might feel
> totally unsupported in her attempts to build relationships with his
> kids.
Guess I should've read the whole thread.. lol. I totally agree that the
dad needs to stop staying out of things.
*Calinda*
You are a better person that I, I suppose. I would be furious if my kids
were treated like this in their own homes on a regular basis.
Zipadee
> Zipadee wrote:
> > Hopefully everyone has calmed down now. DD and DS went there
> > tonight.
>
kids
> were treated like this in their own homes on a regular basis.
Well, we've cycled around to the fact that, whether I'm furious or not,
there's really little I can do. One can't control what goes on
in the other home, etc. What I do is vent here.
The only success I've had was in something small - I got him to
buy more laundry baskets last summer which helped a bit because
now there are enough and if the kids leave their clean, folded
clothes in a basket in their own rooms, GF no longer needs
those baskets and won't dump their stuff out to get a basket.
I agree with other posters that my ex should be more involved
but he seems to think that the relationship between DD and GF
is theirs to work out. I did suggest family counseling to him
at one time but he doesn't think it's necessary.
If GF ever contacts me about my "problem" children again (as she
did once, a few months back), I may suggest to HER that she
look into family counseling or couples counseling because her
real problem is the kids' dad.
-- Z
The Watsons
> If GF ever contacts me about my "problem" children again (as she
> did once, a few months back), I may suggest to HER that she
> look into family counseling or couples counseling because her
> real problem is the kids' dad.
Something else you can suggest too-next time gonzofreak calls your
daughter's cell phone, she can either not answer it, answer it and tell GF
to wait until next weekend when they'll talk then, or tell GF to talk to her
father about it and then turn off the cell phone. ;)
Jess
DrLith
"*Calinda*" <CalindaD...@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message
news:Xns95C35D9FD...@130.133.1.4...
> BINGO! He needs to stop staying out of it. He needs to get *both* his
> *kids* to respect *her* and for *her* to start respecting *them*.. they
> are inhabitants of that household, not some interlopers and he needs to
> get them all to start respecting each other. His allowing his girlfriend
> to treat his daughter like an unwelcome person in her home will only cause
> the problem to continue.
You are right, but it's a very difficult thing to pull off, though.
Especially if you have two very headstrong people who are neither of them
blameless in creating the situation. I'm not trying to defend the GF at all
here. But it is difficult, as a parent, to criticize or chastize another
adult in the midst of one of these spats. Uck.
I'm just glad to be out of that situation, personally--I think some adults
just "get" the idea of treating others respectfully, and others don't. It's
hard enough to teach your kids to treat others with respect; I don't need
the additional project of having to teach an adult in my household what I
expect in terms of "respect." I am *so* glad that my BF is a profoundly
respectful person (as well as brave and honest and thrifty and reverent and
. . . ) and he treats my kids with respect, even when they don't return the
favor. That makes it ever so much easier to call the kids on the carpet when
they start to disrespect him.
Zipadee
When she called at first, we didn't know it was her. The caller-id
showed the call was coming from their house but for all we knew,
it was her dad calling not the GF.
After my daughter ended the unproductive conversation by hanging
up, GF called back and DD just didn't answer that time.
What DD told me today was that one thing that really bugs her is
the double standard GF has. DD is expected to treat GF's possessions
as sacred but GF doesn't do the same in return. She took DD's
stuff out of the dryer and threw it in another room because she
was angry. Seems like GF expects to have exclusive access to
the laundry machines whenever she wants but doesn't acknowledge
that the kids might need the machines sometimes too.
There were no further blow-ups this weekend though I'm told GF
was acting all annoyed. And, DD says that she and her dad were
commiserating about "why is GF like this?" Now, this shocks me,
that ex is being so disrespectful and agreeing with DD
(even if GF IS acting badly). I have no idea how GF treats ex,
I'm not around them much. But I have no idea what her good
qualities are that make him tolerate the bad ones.
But he tends to try and not get her mad at him. A few years ago,
at our daughter's Bat Mitzvah, GF got all annoyed because she
wasn't given the honor of lighting one of the birthday candles
at the reception so apparently she walked out of the reception
in a snit and my ex had to track her down. For our son's
Bar Mitzvah 2 years later, ex implored DS to let GF have
some honor and DS did because "otherwise she'll be mad".
She really doesn't have the SM role,I think she feels
like a saint just for tolerating their existence.
-- Z
*Calinda*
>
> "*Calinda*" <CalindaD...@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message
> news:Xns95C35D9FD...@130.133.1.4...
>> BINGO! He needs to stop staying out of it. He needs to get *both*
>> his *kids* to respect *her* and for *her* to start respecting
>> *them*.. they are inhabitants of that household, not some interlopers
>> and he needs to get them all to start respecting each other. His
>> allowing his girlfriend to treat his daughter like an unwelcome
>> person in her home will only cause the problem to continue.
>
> You are right, but it's a very difficult thing to pull off, though.
> Especially if you have two very headstrong people who are neither of
> them blameless in creating the situation. I'm not trying to defend the
> GF at all here. But it is difficult, as a parent, to criticize or
> chastize another adult in the midst of one of these spats. Uck.
I don't know, but just based solely on this third hand info, it doesn't
sound like the kid involved was at blame at all. Taking stuff, drying it
and folding it neatly doesn't sound like a bad thing, on the face of it.
But I do see what you're saying in that it is difficult to pull off
overall. Particularly since the father seems perfectly happy to have his
daughter be treated like an interloper in her home by his girlfriend.
That kind of stuff drives me batshit, but as Zip said.. not much she can
actually do about it. It may drive a huge wedge between father and
daughter at some point, though.
> I'm just glad to be out of that situation, personally--I think some
> adults just "get" the idea of treating others respectfully, and others
> don't. It's hard enough to teach your kids to treat others with
> respect; I don't need the additional project of having to teach an
> adult in my household what I expect in terms of "respect." I am *so*
> glad that my BF is a profoundly respectful person (as well as brave
> and honest and thrifty and reverent and . . . ) and he treats my kids
> with respect, even when they don't return the favor. That makes it
> ever so much easier to call the kids on the carpet when they start to
> disrespect him.
Yes, I agree, I too am glad that SO is respectful of my kids and as far as
I've seen, they have been respectful of him. They know what it's like to
be treated like garbage by a SP, and are grateful to him that he does not
treat them that way.
The one time there was even any difficulty was the situation I had posted
about in regards to his friends home. As a parent, if I were living with
another adult, I would expect both kids and the other person to be
respectful of each other and their things. I wouldn't want a double
standard that went in either direction...
Melissa
>the double standard GF has. DD is expected to treat GF's possessions
>as sacred but GF doesn't do the same in return. She took DD's
>stuff out of the dryer and threw it in another room because she
>was angry. Seems like GF expects to have exclusive access to
>the laundry machines whenever she wants but doesn't acknowledge
>that the kids might need the machines sometimes too.
Well yeah I can imagine how an adult in the home might feel that way. I
personally wouldn't consider my laundry a priority over someone else's, but
there are many parents and step parents on this group who would.
>She really doesn't have the SM role,I think she feels
>like a saint just for tolerating their existence.
>
>-- Z
>
Or maybe she's just not comfortable around the kids, and feels like no one is
helping her out in that area. Has your daughter ever considered that GF may
often feel left out of what is now her home too? I'm not saying that's the
case but trying to walk a mile in this woman's shoes might help her understand.
Not that it's in your control but it wouldn't hurt GF to do the same at some
point.
rebecca
>
> If GF ever contacts me about my "problem" children again (as she
> did once, a few months back), I may suggest to HER that she
> look into family counseling or couples counseling because her
> real problem is the kids' dad.
>
Well, as good as it might feel to say it, I don't see that as leading
anywhere productive. You know, on the surface, it seems so clear - gf
should just know that the kids need access to washer/drier too. But if you
have no kids, you live with some... sometimes... and they aren't always
consistent about when they do their laundry, they fold yours wrong and put
it somewhere you aren't expecting. Well, yeah, I'd be disconcerted myself.
A little TMI. I always do laundry the same day of the week. I fold it the
same way, I put it the same place. And if I don't finish that day, I leave
it overnight.
And I'd be unnerved about it if someone else moved it around.
There, I've said it.
Communication is a two-way thing, you know. And I can have some sympathy
for a girlfriend whose lover is commiserating with a teenager about what a
nutjob she is, rather than trying to establish some communication between
two people he knows better than they know each other.
However you disagree with her, I wouldn't go on trying to make this into any
big deal. If daughter needs help dealing, someone should suggest to her
that she have a quick chat with the girlfriend along the lines of "when I
need to do my laundry, and yours is in the washer and you aren't around,
what do you _want_ me to do with it? I'd be happy to handle it however you
want."
This is one of those interpretation things. Cal's hearing "this stepchild
isn't welcome in my home" and I'm hearing "leave my freaking laundry alone,
I'm a little rigid about how I like it."
Oh, and if I did call my stepson's mom about a problem, and she suggested
couples counseling for me and my husband? Bet your ass I'd _never_ do it
again. So if that's what you want to achieve, by all means, go for it. If
she calls you, maybe try a little sympathy instead of acting defensively.
Maybe it'd help.
rebecca
*Calinda*
> This is one of those interpretation things. Cal's hearing "this
> stepchild isn't welcome in my home" and I'm hearing "leave my freaking
> laundry alone, I'm a little rigid about how I like it."
First off, this isn't the first thing that Zip has said about the
girlfriend going nuts over the kids things, even when they have folded the
clothes, she's tossed them to the floor. And there were a few other
things as well, IIRC.
This is why I hear the child isn't welcome. She's continued to toss the
kids things around, as if they don't matter and it's sort of a pattern
with her. Their feelings don't seem to matter, and their stuff is
inconsequential to her.
Kids are people with real feelings and deserve to be treated that way.
Second, this wasn't the girlfriends home to start with. This was the
father's and his children's home long before she moved in. She is the one
that should be making adjustments to fit into the family, though they
should be making room for her. She is acting like this was her home first
and the kids came in, dragging all their unwanted baggage behind them.
And I recall when I stated my dislike of my own children's treatment by
their step mother and how she didn't allow them any space at her house for
them, everyone told me I was out of line to complain, as this was her
house first.
So, are people really saying that regardless of the situation, the Adults
in the house can treat the kids any way they wish, rightly or wrongly..
they can be rude, petty and nasty and behave in ways they would never
tolerate from a child just because they're the grown up?
Melissa
>should just know that the kids need access to washer/drier too. But if you
>have no kids, you live with some... sometimes... and they aren't always
>consistent about when they do their laundry, they fold yours wrong and put
>it somewhere you aren't expecting. Well, yeah, I'd be disconcerted myself.
>
Exactly.
>And I can have some sympathy
>for a girlfriend whose lover is commiserating with a teenager about what a
>nutjob she is, rather than trying to establish some communication between
>two people he knows better than they know each other.
>
If I was GF and found out about this I'd be livid. Really it says alot about
how Dad is contributing to this situation.
>This is one of those interpretation things. Cal's hearing "this stepchild
>isn't welcome in my home" and I'm hearing "leave my freaking laundry alone,
>I'm a little rigid about how I like it."
>
Yeah me too. Like I said I reallly can see where GF is coming from on some
things (though I wouldn't react like she does).
Melissa
>Second, this wasn't the girlfriends home to start with. This was the
>father's and his children's home long before she moved in. She is the one
>that should be making adjustments to fit into the family, though they
>should be making room for her. She is acting like this was her home first
>and the kids came in, dragging all their unwanted baggage behind them.
>
Boy do I disagree with that in a *BIG* way. Everyone needs to be giving a
little here. Otherwise you're just creating a living hell for the entire
family. Sadly Dad needs to be leading the way on this, and he just isn't.
*Calinda*
> Like I said I reallly can see where GF is coming from on some
> things (though I wouldn't react like she does).
I guess I can't. I would never move into someone's home and behave like a
spoiled little princess. And I don't understand why some people do that.
I would not permit my kids to disrespect my SO, but I wouldn't like it if
my SO would treat my kids and their things as if they weren't welcome in
their home, either.
*Calinda*
>>
>>Second, this wasn't the girlfriends home to start with. This was the
>>father's and his children's home long before she moved in. She is the
>>one that should be making adjustments to fit into the family, though
>>they should be making room for her. She is acting like this was her
>>home first and the kids came in, dragging all their unwanted baggage
>>behind them.
>>
>
> Boy do I disagree with that in a *BIG* way. Everyone needs to be
> giving a little here. Otherwise you're just creating a living hell
> for the entire family. Sadly Dad needs to be leading the way on this,
> and he just isn't.
Uhh. Maybe you missed the part where I said they should be making
adustments as well.
I don't like it and I think it is wrong, wrong, wrong, when a parent moves
another adult into the home and the kids and their needs get pushed off to
the side as inconsequential.
I don't understand why anyone thinks that just because they are an adult
they can treat the others in ahousehold as intruders. Unwanted baggage.
Melissa
>> Like I said I reallly can see where GF is coming from on some
>> things (though I wouldn't react like she does).
>
>I guess I can't. I would never move into someone's home and behave like a
>spoiled little princess. And I don't understand why some people do that.
First off we're hearing this third hand.
Secondly I would think you of all people would understand how sometimes people
get upset and aren't as composed as they would like to be.
>I would not permit my kids to disrespect my SO
But this guy does. Not only that but apparently he's sitting around with his
teenaged daughter talking about what a nut GF is.
Gee I wonder why GF is so angry?
>but I wouldn't like it if
>my SO would treat my kids and their things as if they weren't welcome in
>their home, either.
>
>--
>Cal~
Perhaps GF felt that by having her laundry moved, her things weren't being
respected.
People can be weird about laundry. My mother is one of those people. For the
life of me I don't get why, but the woman absolutely loses it if anyone else
touches her clothes. I have a friend who will let me help her clean her house,
but would never let me do her family's laundry because I just won't do it
right. SO and I send our laundry out to be done. Recently we had a long term
house guest and offered to send his laundry out with our own, but the idea of
strangers toucing his clothes creeped him out. For some people it's a very
personal thing.
Obviously laundry is something that the new household needs to work on. It's
not a big dramatic thing. It's the kind of crap that comes up when families
blend, and a problem that can be worked on. Hopefuly DD and GF can learn to
see things from each other's perspective.
Amy Lou
"*Calinda*" wrote
>
> So, are people really saying that regardless of the situation, the Adults
> in the house can treat the kids any way they wish, rightly or wrongly..
> they can be rude, petty and nasty and behave in ways they would never
> tolerate from a child just because they're the grown up?
I don't think anyone is actually saying a SP *can* behave that way. However
I see that people still reckon a SP has to be *backed up* no matter what.
Dad and DD commiserating together over GF's quirky ways seems to be a big no
no. And that GF is a grownup seems to mean that she must be respected, no
matter how she behaves.
Amy
Melissa
I wonder how we'd be reacting if this had gone on between a DD and her BM.
*Calinda*
>>
>>> Like I said I reallly can see where GF is coming from on some
>>> things (though I wouldn't react like she does).
>>
>>I guess I can't. I would never move into someone's home and behave
>>like a spoiled little princess. And I don't understand why some
>>people do that.
>
> First off we're hearing this third hand.
> Secondly I would think you of all people would understand how
> sometimes people get upset and aren't as composed as they would like
> to be.
Why thank you.
>>I would not permit my kids to disrespect my SO
>
> But this guy does.
Seems to me it's the exact opposite. He allows his girlfriend to toss
their *clean* laundry around, and their shoes out the door, etc.
> Not only that but apparently he's sitting around
> with his teenaged daughter talking about what a nut GF is.
>
> Gee I wonder why GF is so angry?
Right. She's angry, so take it out on the kids. They can't defend
themselves against her anger.
>>but I wouldn't like it if
>>my SO would treat my kids and their things as if they weren't welcome
>>in their home, either.
>>
>>--
>>Cal~
>
> Perhaps GF felt that by having her laundry moved, her things weren't
> being respected.
You'd think they took her clean clothes and toss them on the floor..Like
she does to theirs.
> People can be weird about laundry. My mother is one of those people.
> For the life of me I don't get why, but the woman absolutely loses it
> if anyone else touches her clothes. I have a friend who will let me
> help her clean her house, but would never let me do her family's
> laundry because I just won't do it right. SO and I send our laundry
> out to be done. Recently we had a long term house guest and offered
> to send his laundry out with our own, but the idea of strangers
> toucing his clothes creeped him out. For some people it's a very
> personal thing.
>
> Obviously laundry is something that the new household needs to work
> on.
This new 'household' is four years old!
> It's not a big dramatic thing. It's the kind of crap that comes
> up when families blend, and a problem that can be worked on. Hopefuly
> DD and GF can learn to see things from each other's perspective.
Girlfriend needs to grow the hell up.
*Calinda*
> And that GF is a grownup seems to mean that she must be respected, no
> matter how she behaves.
I *so* disagree with that. Respect is earned.
*Calinda*
> I wonder how we'd be reacting if this had gone on between a DD and her
> BM.
I think any adult that acts as this one reportedly is, I'd suggest
counseling for that adult as they aren't acting very grown up.
I don't like it when kids get mistreated, I make no bones about that.
Melissa
>their *clean* laundry around, and their shoes out the door, etc.
It seems to me like he's not doing anything here.
>Right. She's angry, so take it out on the kids. They can't defend
>themselves against her anger.
Oh please. You're acting like this is some huge tragedy that's going to scar
the kids for life. It was pissy behavior. DD and GF should both be able to
recover from the incident without therapy.
Cal, blending families is hard work. It also takes a long time. Vicki has
often says that it takes at least seven years. I've done it both as a stepkid
and as a stepmom. Little incidents get blown up and blown out of proportion
sometimes. Newly blended families don't have the history together, they don't
know the unwritten rules of one another's households. These kinds of things
are going to happen, but what's important is how everyone learns to cope and
deal with the problems that come up.
>> Perhaps GF felt that by having her laundry moved, her things weren't
>> being respected.
>
>You'd think they took her clean clothes and toss them on the floor..Like
>she does to theirs.
>
Again I don't see the tragedy, but I don't have a thing about laundry. I'll
bet at one time or another my own mother did this to me or one of my brothers
though.
>
>Girlfriend needs to grow the hell up.
It seems to me like everyone in that house has some growing up to do, starting
with Dad. He needs to be taking the lead here, and working on bringing people
together. I don't see anything changing until he does.
*Calinda*
> It seems to me like everyone in that house has some growing up to do,
> starting with Dad. He needs to be taking the lead here, and working
> on bringing people together. I don't see anything changing until he
> does.
I agree that the dad is the biggest problem in the mix. His allowing it
all to continue without getting involved is pretty shitty, for his
daughter and his girlfriend.
Melissa
>> It seems to me like everyone in that house has some growing up to do,
>> starting with Dad. He needs to be taking the lead here, and working
>> on bringing people together. I don't see anything changing until he
>> does.
>
>I agree that the dad is the biggest problem in the mix. His allowing it
>all to continue without getting involved is pretty shitty, for his
>daughter and his girlfriend.
>--
>Cal~
>
Absolutely. He's not treating any of them with very much respect.
*Calinda*
> I agree that the dad is the biggest problem in the mix. His allowing it
> all to continue without getting involved is pretty shitty, for his
> daughter and his girlfriend.
Also, please don't get me wrong. I don't think the kids should have free
reign to mistreat the girlfriend or her things, either. Not at all.
I think they all need to work out their differences and make adjustments.
But this is the children's home, and it's not like they're adults that can
move out if things aren't working for them.
rebecca
"*Calinda*" <CalindaD...@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message
>Their feelings don't seem to matter, and their stuff is
> inconsequential to her.
>
> Kids are people with real feelings and deserve to be treated that way.
Okay, but you're making a _gigantic_ assumption, here. And making it in
such a negative way that there's really no easy way back. She's with the
dad. Dad sees the kids a lot. So at some level, she understands and
accepts the commitment, even if it's more intellectual than practical right
now. That gives everyone something to work with.
Since Zip really does have _zero_ control over this, the only positive
things she can do are (1) try to gently influence dad when she can/when it's
appropriate; and (2) teach her kids really really good communication skills.
Because where the situation could go downhill is if the daughter adopts
exactly your attitude. "You screwed up my laundry" doesn't have to become
WW3. And a teenage stepkid who can rationally approach someone with a "I'm
feeling unwelcome because you're always freaking out on me over things, can
we figure out a better way" has got a better chance than one who acts out in
other ways.
So from a practical perspective, the best thing - maybe the only thing - Zip
can do is teach her daughter the art of polite, clear communication.
>
> Second, this wasn't the girlfriends home to start with. This was the
> father's and his children's home long before she moved in. She is the one
> that should be making adjustments to fit into the family, though they
> should be making room for her. She is acting like this was her home first
> and the kids came in, dragging all their unwanted baggage behind them.
I don't see that at all. I see you broadly applying your own difficult
situation to someone else, based upon some surface similarities. Zip's ex
sees the kids, is commited to them, gets along with Zip, and just doesn't
seem to get that he's not helping the gf and the daughter find their way.
Your ex is an idiot.
I love you - you know I do - but the situation's hitting your great big fat
emotional hotbutton, and you aren't responding rationally. Surely you can
see that?
And last, but not least, I'll point out that some of the moments that have
brought me closest to my stepson are the ones where we butted heads, and
sorted it out together. He cracks up when he talks about some of our early
fights, and honestly, so do I. These are all things that people in intimate
living situations have to go through, and coming out the other side can lead
to some good things.
rebecca
rebecca
"rebecca" <justre...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:xrtxd.3873$9j5....@newsread3.news.pas.earthlink.net...
>
> "*Calinda*" <CalindaD...@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message
> news:Xns95C4DABC7...@130.133.1.4...
>
>>
>> father's and his children's home long before she moved in. She is the
>> one
>> that should be making adjustments to fit into the family, though they
>> should be making room for her. She is acting like this was her home
>> first
>> and the kids came in, dragging all their unwanted baggage behind them.
>
> I don't see that at all. I see you broadly applying your own difficult
> situation to someone else, based upon some surface similarities. Zip's ex
> sees the kids, is commited to them, gets along with Zip, and just doesn't
Yikes - committed, I mean.
And while I'm back, I totally disagree that the onus is on the stepparent to
completely adjust to fit the family unit. Blending only works if all the
old families work to adjust and make a new one, you can't absorb one side
into the other without a universe of resentment happening.
Remind me, does your SO have kids? I'm pretty sure you have no idea how
completely whacked that statement you made is.
rebecca
Amy Lou
"Melissa" wrote:
> It seems to me like everyone in that house has some growing up to do,
> starting
> with Dad. He needs to be taking the lead here, and working on bringing
> people
> together. I don't see anything changing until he does.
And quite often when a person tries to step in and 'take the lead' it is
misconstrued as taking sides. Its not an easy thing to do without upsetting
at least one, if not both, of the parties.
Of course for us guys sitting outside of this actual drama it is easy to see
the best course of action. For the people living it - well they just have to
figure it out for themselves. Zip is kind of watching from the side line,
not really being able to do anything except watch.
Amy
Nikki Murphy
snip
> A little TMI. I always do laundry the same day of the week. I fold it
> the same way, I put it the same place. And if I don't finish that day, I
> leave it overnight.
>
> And I'd be unnerved about it if someone else moved it around.
>
> There, I've said it.
>
Oh good, now you've gone first I'm free to talk. Notice how quiet I've been
in this thread so far?!
I hate finding SS's laundry in the dryer when I want to use the dryer. Not
to mention, I'd do his laundry if he'd put it in the basket but for some
reason he's never quite grasped that. So when he fills the basket at the end
of the week when I've done all my laundry, I get him to do a load of his own
stuff. With reminding, it does go from the washer to the dryer. Then, he'll
bog off to his Dad's house or his Mum's house and I wanna use the dryer and
I have to get his stuff out first!
You betcha it annoys me. Sometimes I get it out and fold out (in a good
mood). Sometimes I get it out and leave it to get all creased in a basket,
sometimes I leave the basket downstairs, sometimes I put it in his room.
Sometimes, I'll put it where he has to trip over it, like I do with his
trainers. Very, very rarely have I taken it out and unceremoniously dumped
it all on his bed. But I've done it.
Call me a freak if you want.
Nikki
Nikki Murphy
"*Calinda*" <CalindaD...@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message
> On Mon, 20 Dec 2004 03:23:43 GMT, Melissa wrote:
>> on.
> This new 'household' is four years old!
>
>> It's not a big dramatic thing. It's the kind of crap that comes
>> up when families blend, and a problem that can be worked on. Hopefuly
>> DD and GF can learn to see things from each other's perspective.
>
> Girlfriend needs to grow the hell up.
> --
> Cal~
>
> Calinda dot Letter S at Gmail dot com
I read somewhere (in a Gestalt theory book on establishing stepfamilies)
that it takes around 7 years to truly establish a new blended family
dynamic.
Have you ever been a stepmother, Cal? Because I totally relate to the GF in
this situation. Her anger, her behaviour, everything. Heck, I think she is
me. Or at least how I was about 5 years ago.
Nikki
*Calinda*
>
> "*Calinda*" <CalindaD...@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message
> news:Xns95C4DABC7...@130.133.1.4...
>
>>Their feelings don't seem to matter, and their stuff is
>> inconsequential to her.
>>
>> Kids are people with real feelings and deserve to be treated that
>> way.
>
> Okay, but you're making a _gigantic_ assumption, here.
Disagree. My comments are not based on just this one post. They are
based on previous posts as well.
> And making it
> in such a negative way that there's really no easy way back. She's
> with the dad. Dad sees the kids a lot.
Dad doesn't 'see' the kids a lot. They live with him. They always have,
from what Zip has said.
> So at some level, she
> understands and accepts the commitment, even if it's more intellectual
> than practical right now. That gives everyone something to work with.
From this and the other posts that Zip has made, it's clear, at least to
me, that she resents it as well.
> Since Zip really does have _zero_ control over this, the only positive
> things she can do are (1) try to gently influence dad when she
> can/when it's appropriate; and (2) teach her kids really really good
> communication skills. Because where the situation could go downhill is
> if the daughter adopts exactly your attitude.
I've not suggested the daughter adopt any attitude. She should go to her
father and ask her what she should do, and ask him to help her. I don't
think he did the girl any favors by dicussing whether the girlfriend was
right or wrong, but I don't see him doing any favors for the situation at
all.
> "You screwed up my
> laundry" doesn't have to become WW3.
It's *silly* to get bent out of shape when someone touches their laundry!
The kid didn't toss it out on the floor, unlike her, if you recall. If
laundry is such a BFD, then take care of it, don't leave it laying around.
She is acting as if she's the only one in the house. With kids, that's
just not gonna happen.
> And a teenage stepkid who can
> rationally approach someone with a "I'm feeling unwelcome because
> you're always freaking out on me over things, can we figure out a
> better way" has got a better chance than one who acts out in other
> ways.
I have never said the kid should freak out or act out or anywthing. But I
do say the girlfriend is acting irrational and she's acting like she
doesn't want them there.
Remember this isn't the first thing she's over-reacted to. And she's
involved Zip in it as well, so it's not as if Zip isn't aware.
> So from a practical perspective, the best thing - maybe the only thing
> - Zip can do is teach her daughter the art of polite, clear
> communication.
I would not and have not disagreed with that.
>> Second, this wasn't the girlfriends home to start with. This was the
>> father's and his children's home long before she moved in. She is
>> the one that should be making adjustments to fit into the family,
>> though they should be making room for her. She is acting like this
>> was her home first and the kids came in, dragging all their unwanted
>> baggage behind them.
>
> I don't see that at all. I see you broadly applying your own
> difficult situation to someone else, based upon some surface
> similarities.
Disagree.
> Zip's ex sees the kids,
!!! I hate that "See's the Kids". They *live* there- BIG difference from
just stopping over now & then. They always have.
> is commited to them, gets along with Zip, and just doesn't
> seem to get that he's not helping the gf and the daughter find their
> way.
No, that is agreed, he is making it worse all around leaving them to
flounder around.
> Your ex is an idiot.
Beside the point, though. I'm not reacting to my ex.
> I love you - you know I do - but the situation's hitting your great
> big fat emotional hotbutton,
I do hate it when adults act like this.
> and you aren't responding rationally.
> Surely you can see that?
No, I absolutely disagree. I object to that observation of yours, truly I
do.
I get upset when I see this crap happening to kids. If she was an adult
and had the choice to live with this situation or not, it's one thing.
But she is forced to live in a hostile home, due to choices not of her
own. Her father has brought this hostile situation into her life and then
turns his back on it, rather than help the situation. I hate that. It
angers me.
*Calinda*
No, but I have been a grownup. This woman is acting like a spoiled child.
*Calinda*
>
> "rebecca" <justre...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:xrtxd.3873$9j5....@newsread3.news.pas.earthlink.net...
>>
>> "*Calinda*" <CalindaD...@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message
>> news:Xns95C4DABC7...@130.133.1.4...
>>
>>>
>>> Second, this wasn't the girlfriends home to start with. This was
>>> the father's and his children's home long before she moved in. She
>>> is the one
>>> that should be making adjustments to fit into the family, though
>>> they should be making room for her. She is acting like this was her
>>> home first
>>> and the kids came in, dragging all their unwanted baggage behind
>>> them.
>>
>> I don't see that at all. I see you broadly applying your own
>> difficult situation to someone else, based upon some surface
>> similarities. Zip's ex sees the kids, is commited to them, gets
>> along with Zip, and just doesn't
>
> Yikes - committed, I mean.
>
> And while I'm back, I totally disagree that the onus is on the
> stepparent to completely adjust to fit the family unit. Blending only
> works if all the old families work to adjust and make a new one, you
> can't absorb one side into the other without a universe of resentment
> happening.
And I said *exactly* that. Please re-read. It seems that part was missed
in my original post. They all need to make
> Remind me, does your SO have kids?
Yes. But they're adults.
> I'm pretty sure you have no idea
> how completely whacked that statement you made is.
But I never said she was the *only* one making adjustments. But she did
move into a home that already was intact, and the onus on being an adult
is hers, sense she is the adult.
Vicki Robinson
>Dad doesn't 'see' the kids a lot. They live with him. They always have,
>from what Zip has said.
Define "live with." She said they were there 3 - 4 days a week, with
separate wardrobes at his house and at her house.
How would you define their primary residence?
Vicki
--
Power may be justly compared to a great river; while kept within its
bounds it is both beautiful and useful, but when it overflows its banks,
it is then too impetuous to be stemmed; it bears down all before it,
and brings destruction and desolation wherever it goes." -- Alexander Hamilton.
*Calinda*
> You betcha it annoys me. Sometimes I get it out and fold out (in a
> good mood). Sometimes I get it out and leave it to get all creased in
> a basket, sometimes I leave the basket downstairs, sometimes I put it
> in his room. Sometimes, I'll put it where he has to trip over it, like
> I do with his trainers. Very, very rarely have I taken it out and
> unceremoniously dumped it all on his bed. But I've done it.
See, I don't think it's out of line to dump it on his bed, if it's clean
but left in the dryer and you need the dryer & baskets.
It's the dumping of folded laundry on the floor that I think is irrational
and childish.
*Calinda*
> Define "live with." She said they were there 3 - 4 days a week, with
> separate wardrobes at his house and at her house.
Yes, three to four days a week is living with him.
> How would you define their primary residence?
Shared custody. 3 to 4 days a week is about as close to 50/50 shared
parenting as you can get, IMO.
Melissa
>
>--
>Cal~
>
That's because you haven't been there. You have no idea how hard blending
families can be. That's not a slight, it just is. I don't think anyone can
understand until they've been there in come capacity.
Melissa
You honestly think this was just about laundry?
Zipadee
Whew! Lots of posts since my last one.
Sometimes I get annoyed that my kids' laundry is in a machine
or a basket when I need to use it too. I either move it to the
dryer, take it out of the dryer and place it neatly in a basket,
or put clean/folded stuff neatly on the bed (so it stays folded).
It would never occur to me to do something that makes MORE work
for them. After all - if they weren't doing their own laundry,
I would be doing it and laundry is not one of my favorite chores.
I also manage it a bit by occasionally suggesting to them that
they start a laundry at a time when they'll be around to finish
it, not right before they'll be going to the other house.
After all, I sometimes leave laundry in the dryer for awhile,
why should I be unforgiving if they do?
As for where my kids live - they live in 2 places. Whenever we
fill out school paperwork, they get my address as primary (because
I live in the town where they go to school) but get Dad's as well.
They refer to both places as home, if relevant, or as Mom's house
or Dad's house. Legally, we have joint legal custody and I have
primary physical.
I am "in charge" of their schedule because I'm very organized about
such things. I arrange things based on the structure we've agreed on
and I let me ex know of how their activities fit into the schedule.
He DOES rely on me to tell him when/where to get the kids. Major
activities get discussed with him before the kids sign up. Fortunately
we live close enough that he can get them to activities and friends
too.
I'm a big fan of trying to make a problem go away without trying
to change other people. This worked well with a problem I had
with my ex bringing the kids to me very late years ago. So we
changed the schedule so he wasn't bringing them to me on weekends
but to school the next morning because he wouldn't get them to
school late. Fixing this laundry problem
would involve getting a second set of machines, that's why I
suggested it to my ex. I wasn't really joking. He wasn't
offended. Even if he thinks it would be impractical, I think
he could recognize that it would help.
I do think GF resents the kids. She changed careers in recent years,
now she's a middle school teacher, and she says her students like
her, so she can't understand why DD and DS don't seem to like her.
She figures it's something wrong with them. I guess she's different
as a teacher than a "roommate" - she doesn't have to share laundry
machines with the students!
-- Z
rebecca
"Nikki Murphy" <n...@impactwp.com> wrote in message
news:JLGdnb1hrqE...@eclipse.net.uk...
>
>
> Call me a freak if you want.
Freak. ;-p
rebecca
"Zipadee" <phonef...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1103557839.1...@c13g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
>
> I do think GF resents the kids. She changed careers in recent years,
> now she's a middle school teacher, and she says her students like
> her, so she can't understand why DD and DS don't seem to like her.
> She figures it's something wrong with them. I guess she's different
> as a teacher than a "roommate" - she doesn't have to share laundry
> machines with the students!
>
Well, generally, if a stepparent and a stepchild are having a lot of
trouble, it's the birthparent's fault. So from that perspective, if you
really do get along with the ex, it might prove more helpful to deal with
the issue directly. This is not about another set of laundry machines.
This is about they need his help to communicate, and his passive 'hands-off'
attitude has created a vacuum where the kids and the gf have a nice little
resentful power struggle going on.
Like some others, I can totally envision a situation where I got pissy
about something that on the surface seems silly. Let's see, SS frequently
leaves his crap laying around the house. If he doesn't clean it up before
running off to mom's, I do sometimes dump it in his room. Literally.
Wherever there is space, or on top of stuff if there isn't. If he
complains, I suggest to him that next time, cleaning up before leaving the
house would be a good idea.
So - Cal - does that qualify me for creating a hostile and unwelcoming
environment? Because I thought it was qualifying me for a slightly
intolerant neatnik. I do the same thing to anyone here who leaves things
around. Everyone knows what's going to happen if they leave shit
everywhere.
Now, what I don't do is involve BM. What I'm getting from that is that gf
isn't getting the support she needs from BD, and is (I don't know if
consciously) reaching out to one of these kids' parents for some kind of
help/support.
Maybe she is a hostile bitch, I don't know. I'm kind of feeling sorry for
her, though. If DH weren't super supportive of me as a stepmother, I'd be
resentful and hostile about all the work and sacrifices, too.
rebecca
Tracey
*Calinda* wrote:
>>"You screwed up my
>>laundry" doesn't have to become WW3.
>
>
> It's *silly* to get bent out of shape when someone touches their laundry!
It's silly for you. It's not silly for others. Just like the
damage done to your garage recently. Some people would think
it was silly for you to get bent out of shape about that. Others
wouldn't. And that's not a dig at you, Cal. Not at all. But
how accurate would it be for your ex to say that, because you
lost it because of that incident, that you don't want your
daughter around or any of the other things that you've said
about the GF here?
> The kid didn't toss it out on the floor, unlike her, if you recall. If
> laundry is such a BFD, then take care of it, don't leave it laying around.
> She is acting as if she's the only one in the house. With kids, that's
> just not gonna happen.
What's the big deal with tossing it on the floor? The floor is
fairly sanitary, no? Not like it was thrown out in the just tilled
garden right before a good hard rain. On days when I'm just sick
of it all, our kids' stuff gets thrown all over the place. Some-
times in the trash.
>
>>And a teenage stepkid who can
>>rationally approach someone with a "I'm feeling unwelcome because
>>you're always freaking out on me over things, can we figure out a
>>better way" has got a better chance than one who acts out in other
>>ways.
>
>
> I have never said the kid should freak out or act out or anywthing. But I
> do say the girlfriend is acting irrational and she's acting like she
> doesn't want them there.
Bad mommy admission here but sometimes *I* don't want *our* kids
here either. And sometimes I act irrationally. And sometimes, after
I act irrationally, I then am irritated for days. Hey, that's what
parents, both bio- and step-, sometimes do.
> Remember this isn't the first thing she's over-reacted to. And she's
> involved Zip in it as well, so it's not as if Zip isn't aware.
And many of us overreact to multiple things on different days, too.
It usually doesn't say much about our overall feelings about the
entire situation. Just that we're not coping well *at that time*.
<snip>
>>Your ex is an idiot.
>
>
> Beside the point, though. I'm not reacting to my ex.
Well, I think it's safe to say that some of us disagree with you
on this one. Look, Cal, I *know* there are certain areas where
I can't stay objective. I try very hard, but I do realize that
I just can't because of my own experiences. But I've read the
same posts you have and I'm not getting the same visceral re-
action to them that you are and others seem to not be getting
that reaction either. So, it's pretty safe to say, IMO, that
it's your own situation and your own feelings about your situ-
ation that's coloring your reaction.
Tracey
*Calinda*
>>It's *silly* to get bent out of shape when someone touches their
>>laundry!
>
> You honestly think this was just about laundry?
No, actually I don't. From what Zip has said now and in the past says to
me she resents their intrusion on her life. The laundry is her just being
very passive agressive.
*Calinda*
>
> Like some others, I can totally envision a situation where I got
> pissy about something that on the surface seems silly. Let's see, SS
> frequently leaves his crap laying around the house. If he doesn't
> clean it up before running off to mom's, I do sometimes dump it in his
> room. Literally. Wherever there is space, or on top of stuff if there
> isn't. If he complains, I suggest to him that next time, cleaning up
> before leaving the house would be a good idea.
This woman is tossing clean, folded clothes onto a floor. These are kids
that are leaving their clothes laying around.
And geez, they're doing their laundry, not snorting coke.
> So - Cal - does that qualify me for creating a hostile and unwelcoming
> environment? Because I thought it was qualifying me for a slightly
> intolerant neatnik. I do the same thing to anyone here who leaves
> things around. Everyone knows what's going to happen if they leave
> shit everywhere.
Not if he's leaving his stuff laying around, etc. This wasn't the case.
They left their folded laundry in a basket. If the GF needed a basket,
set the folded clothes on the bed, or floor, even. But no need to get all
pissy and throw them into a pile on the floor.
The whole irrationality of what's a kid to do, if they have a limited
amount of time just gets to me.
> Now, what I don't do is involve BM. What I'm getting from that is
> that gf isn't getting the support she needs from BD, and is (I don't
> know if consciously) reaching out to one of these kids' parents for
> some kind of help/support.
I agree that she is, but she's reaching out to the one person in the whole
mix that can't do anything.
> Maybe she is a hostile bitch, I don't know. I'm kind of feeling sorry
> for her, though. If DH weren't super supportive of me as a
> stepmother, I'd be resentful and hostile about all the work and
> sacrifices, too.
So, of course, lets take the hostility that should be directed at the
other adult out on the kids, who have no options. I don't see you as
being that kind of person.
*Calinda*
>
>
> *Calinda* wrote:
>
>>>"You screwed up my
>>>laundry" doesn't have to become WW3.
>>
>>
>> It's *silly* to get bent out of shape when someone touches their
>> laundry!
>
> It's silly for you. It's not silly for others. Just like the
> damage done to your garage recently. Some people would think
> it was silly for you to get bent out of shape about that. Others
> wouldn't.
I don't see how you can compare damaging the home, then blowing it off and
folded laundry in a basket. They just aren't comparable.
> And that's not a dig at you, Cal. Not at all. But
> how accurate would it be for your ex to say that, because you
> lost it because of that incident, that you don't want your
> daughter around or any of the other things that you've said
> about the GF here?
It is not about one thing. I'm not drawing my conclusions on one post.
It's the pattern she's shown to the daughter that indicates to me that she
would like nothing better than the daughter to just go away..
>> The kid didn't toss it out on the floor, unlike her, if you recall.
>> If laundry is such a BFD, then take care of it, don't leave it laying
>> around. She is acting as if she's the only one in the house. With
>> kids, that's just not gonna happen.
>
> What's the big deal with tossing it on the floor? The floor is
> fairly sanitary, no?
It was folded laundry. I can well imagine what kind of trouble if that
kid has dumped the GF's folded laundry on the floor, to get a basket. Or
if that kid had left the wet clothes in a basket. It's like the kid can't
win. She can do nothing right.
> Not like it was thrown out in the just tilled
> garden right before a good hard rain. On days when I'm just sick
> of it all, our kids' stuff gets thrown all over the place. Some-
> times in the trash.
The story Zip told orignially was that the laundry the girlfriend tossed
was not laying around all over the place. It was folded, in a basket.
>>>And a teenage stepkid who can
>>>rationally approach someone with a "I'm feeling unwelcome because
>>>you're always freaking out on me over things, can we figure out a
>>>better way" has got a better chance than one who acts out in other
>>>ways.
>>
>>
>> I have never said the kid should freak out or act out or anywthing.
>> But I do say the girlfriend is acting irrational and she's acting
>> like she doesn't want them there.
>
> Bad mommy admission here but sometimes *I* don't want *our* kids
> here either.
I think that's normal. Sometimes I wish I didn't have fulltime cusotdy of
my kids with no breaks either. But that's not the feeling I get from what
Zip has said in her posts, current and past.
> And sometimes I act irrationally. And sometimes, after
> I act irrationally, I then am irritated for days. Hey, that's what
> parents, both bio- and step-, sometimes do.
Yes, I do know this. But the pattern that has been posted is that IMO,
the girlfriend is doing whatever she can, consciously or not, to make the
daughter not want to live there anymore.
>> Remember this isn't the first thing she's over-reacted to. And she's
>> involved Zip in it as well, so it's not as if Zip isn't aware.
>
> And many of us overreact to multiple things on different days, too.
> It usually doesn't say much about our overall feelings about the
> entire situation. Just that we're not coping well *at that time*.
>
> <snip>
>>>Your ex is an idiot.
>>
>>
>> Beside the point, though. I'm not reacting to my ex.
>
> Well, I think it's safe to say that some of us disagree with you
> on this one.
That's fine. I disagree. I react to what I see are kids being mistreated
by adults in their lives. I don't like it much, whether they're my kids
or not.
This was a *huge* issue with my ex. He hated it when I became concerned
for the well being of kids that weren't mine. He thought it unnatural of
me to want to try to help. He thought it unnatural to care about anyone
other than my own two kids.
Seriously, this was a big problem for him. It hasn't changed, as I still
feel the pain of what I see as injustices against kids who can't do
anything about it. This really and truly doesn't have anything to do with
my own kids and my ex. I've always been this way. One of a very few
things my ex and I would argue about.
> Look, Cal, I *know* there are certain areas where
> I can't stay objective. I try very hard, but I do realize that
> I just can't because of my own experiences. But I've read the
> same posts you have and I'm not getting the same visceral re-
> action to them that you are and others seem to not be getting
> that reaction either. So, it's pretty safe to say, IMO, that
> it's your own situation and your own feelings about your situ-
> ation that's coloring your reaction.
That's fine. I am not saying you're wrong to have the opinion that there
is nothing wrong with the behavior of the girlfriend. I disagree, as I'm
sure you can tell.
Deborah M Riel
*Calinda* <CalindaD...@gmailRemove.com> wrote:
>I agree that she is, but she's reaching out to the one person in the whole
>mix that can't do anything.
Sure she could. She *could* say to her DD "oh, BTW, your dad's GF
called and she seemed upset about ABC. Maybe you could consider doing
XYZ the next time you're there." That's all. Then it's up to the DD
to either do XYZ or not. If DD wanted to discuss the incident, then
Zip could either discuss it or not, saying that since she's not there,
she can't really form an opinion. Or, she could turn it into a
discussion about ways to get along in situations where you don't always
see eye to eye with another person that you have to have a lot of
contact with. Those are important things to learn because there's
*always* going to be someone like that at some point or another in
your life.
It's not a whole lot different from a kid's teacher calling with a
complaint about classroom behavior. Just emotionally different, I
guess, depending on the relationship you have with the ex or the ex's
GF.
Deb R.
>Cal~
>
*Calinda*
> These are kids
> that are leaving their clothes laying around.
S/B these _aren't_....
Lee
*Calinda* wrote:
> On Mon, 20 Dec 2004 03:48:23 GMT, *Calinda* wrote:
>
>
> Also, please don't get me wrong. I don't think the kids should have
> free reign to mistreat the girlfriend or her things, either. Not at
> all.
>
Ok, I just have to come out of lurkdom - it's "free rein", not "free
reign". Sorry, one of my pet peeves...
Lee, heading back into obscurity.
*Calinda*
> Ok, I just have to come out of lurkdom - it's "free rein", not "free
> reign". Sorry, one of my pet peeves...
> Lee, heading back into obscurity.
Okay. Thanks for that heads up :-)
Sorry.
Vicki Robinson
>The story Zip told orignially was that the laundry the girlfriend tossed
>was not laying around all over the place. It was folded, in a basket.
The original story was that the SD needed to wash her clothes. The
GF's clothing was in the washer, still wet, so SD put GF's wash in the
dryer, washed her own clothes, put GF's dry clothing in a basket and
dried her own.
The tossing clean, folded laundry had happened at an earlier time, and
the problem was solved when Dad bought extra baskets so that no one
had to empty one to use it.
Melissa
>machines with the students!
>
>-- Z
Do your kids ever hear you make remarks about GF like this?
>I do think GF resents the kids.
But you know, that's somewhat normal. The kids probably resent her too. Dad
may resent that everyone can't just get along. Resentment alone isn't so much
of a problem. It's how you handle it.
Melissa
>trouble, it's the birthparent's fault.
I really had to fight the urge to quote this several times. :)
Lee
*Calinda* wrote:
> On Mon, 20 Dec 2004 18:04:23 GMT, Lee wrote:
>
>
> Okay. Thanks for that heads up :-)
> Sorry.
No need to apologize. And thanks for taking my post in the spirit in
which it was indended ;->
>
>
>
Melissa
>So, of course, lets take the hostility that should be directed at the
>other adult out on the kids, who have no options. I don't see you as
>being that kind of person.
>
>
>--
>Cal~
I don't know anyone who hasn't at one time or another lashed out at the wrong
person when angry at least once in awhile. I don't know one parent who hasn't
done it to their kids at least once, and I'll bet plenty of kids have done it
to their parents.
Again if this was a bio relationship I don't think you'd be having this
reaction.
Lee
Argh! "Intended", not "indended." Argh.
>
>>
>>
>>
>
Melissa
>It's the pattern she's shown to the daughter that indicates to me that she
>would like nothing better than the daughter to just go away..
>
Cal you've never met GF. You're hearing this all third hand from a source that
while well meaning is hardly objective. How on earth can you come to these
conclusions?
*Calinda*
> The original story was that the SD needed to wash her clothes. The
> GF's clothing was in the washer, still wet, so SD put GF's wash in the
> dryer, washed her own clothes, put GF's dry clothing in a basket and
> dried her own.
Yes, this was the most recent. She also folded the GF's clothes. What
else was she to do.
> The tossing clean, folded laundry had happened at an earlier time, and
> the problem was solved when Dad bought extra baskets so that no one
> had to empty one to use it.
Right. But it's a pattern. The girlfriend had one problem solved for
her, so she's created another laundry problem.
*Calinda*
>>Well, generally, if a stepparent and a stepchild are having a lot of
>>trouble, it's the birthparent's fault.
>
> I really had to fight the urge to quote this several times. :)
And it might surpise you, but I totally agree that the BF is the biggest
problem here.
*Calinda*
> No need to apologize. And thanks for taking my post in the spirit in
> which it was indended ;->
Oh gosh, no offense was taken. I have my own pet peeves. I've recently
noticed an increase in the usage of "Should of" instead of "Should've".
Drives me crazy. :)
And to be honest, my spell-checker isn't working well and I tried it both
ways before sending, neither of which looked right so I just posted it
with the one that looked 'less wrong' to me. I should've checked the
dictionary.
Zipadee
> > she doesn't have to share laundry
> >machines with the students!
> >
> >-- Z
>
> Do your kids ever hear you make remarks about GF like this?
Absolutely not. I just said that here. I think it was Ex who told me
that GF believes she gets along well with kids and doesn't understand
why things aren't better with DS and DD.
> >I do think GF resents the kids.
>
> But you know, that's somewhat normal. The kids probably resent her
too. Dad
> may resent that everyone can't just get along. Resentment alone
isn't so much
> of a problem. It's how you handle it.
Well, yes, and I don't think she handles it well.
Let me correct one thing some folks have misunderstood about the
current situation. GF did NOT contact me about this incident.
She called DD (who was at my house at the time) on DD's cell phone.
I just overhead DD's side of the conversation and she told me
about it afterwards. GF did call me once in the past and I posted
about that incident at the time.
As for whether GF threw laundry on the floor THIS time, yes, she
took DD's stuff out of the dryer the next day and rather than putting
it an a basket (which WAS available), she threw it into the next
room in the basement. Ex picked it up and put it in DD's room.
A past problem, of dumping folded clothes out to get a basket,
HAS been resolved by the purchase of more baskets.
I get annoyed about my kids leaving stuff around too. Sometimes
I make them deal with it right away, other times I move it aside
or to their rooms. What I don't do is throw it outside.
-- Z
Melissa
>> But you know, that's somewhat normal. The kids probably resent her
>too. Dad
>> may resent that everyone can't just get along. Resentment alone
>isn't so much
>> of a problem. It's how you handle it.
>
>Well, yes, and I don't think she handles it well.
Ok let me try this again. It's not about GF alone. This is a family problem,
not just a GF problem.
Lee
*Calinda* wrote:
>
>
>
> Oh gosh, no offense was taken. I have my own pet peeves. I've recently
> noticed an increase in the usage of "Should of" instead of "Should've".
> Drives me crazy. :)
Oh, yeah. And "could of" instead of "could've". Check out this link:
http://www.wsba.org/media/publications/barnews/2004/nov-04-cumbow.htm
It's a really interesting article about misspellings and misused
grammar. (And where I confirmed my feeling about "free rein" before
breaking bad on you ;->)
>
> And to be honest, my spell-checker isn't working well and I tried it both
> ways before sending, neither of which looked right so I just posted it
> with the one that looked 'less wrong' to me. I should've checked the
> dictionary.
;-> If you follow the link I posted above, you'll see that the writer
points out that dictionaries are not arbiters of proper usage. A
dictionary merely codifies how the language is actually used, not how it
should be used.
Lee
>
>
*Calinda*
> Cal you've never met GF. You're hearing this all third hand from a
> source that while well meaning is hardly objective. How on earth can
> you come to these conclusions?
Do you not see any of the behaviors that have been reported as any sort of
passive agressive, conscious or otherwise, by the girlfriend over the
whole laundry thing? One problem had an easy solution, so she's now found
some other whole problem. If it wasn't so darn sad, it's almost be funny.
As for the issue of whether I'd object whether it is a bio parent or step
parent.. no. I don't think so... I've seen some bioparents treat their
kids like crap, and I've stated how much I think that sucks too.
It seems to me that you are doing the exactly what I've been accused of,
taking the side of the girlfriend just as much as you think I'm taking the
other side, for emotional reasons of your own.
Melissa
>taking the side of the girlfriend just as much as you think I'm taking the
>other side, for emotional reasons of your own.
>--
>Cal~
But Cal I haven't denied that. In fact I've used my own experiencesas an
example. Actually I don't think anyone who sees things differently than you
would deny that. Of course we can see where GF is coming from. Also as a kid
from a blended family I can see why DD is so hurt.
>Do you not see any of the behaviors that have been reported as any sort of
>passive agressive, conscious or otherwise, by the girlfriend over the
>whole laundry thing?
Sure. What I don't see is why they're so awful. You're seeing a kid with a
wicked stepmom. I'm seeing a blended family that's having some issues.
*Calinda*
> Sure. What I don't see is why they're so awful. You're seeing a kid
> with a wicked stepmom. I'm seeing a blended family that's having some
> issues.
I am not saying she's some wicked person. I'm saying that she may not
even be aware of what she's doing or why. I do feel, from the things that
have been said that she doesn't want to really blend the family, though.
Melissa
Well you did call her a spoiled rotten princess.
>I'm saying that she may not
>even be aware of what she's doing or why.
Yeah I tend to agree with you on that.
>I do feel, from the things that
>have been said that she doesn't want to really blend the family, though.
>
>--
>Cal~
>
Well we don't know her so I'm not sure how you could come to that conclusion.
But then on the flip side I see her saying that she doesn't understand why they
kids don't like her as a sign that she wants them to. My guess is sometimes
she wants it all to work out, and sometimes she wonders why she ever moved in
with this guy in the first place. But we don't know. GF isn't the one
posting, and the person who is posting isn't hearing this straight from GF
either.
*Calinda*
>>I am not saying she's some wicked person.
>
> Well you did call her a spoiled rotten princess.
I believe I said she was acting like one. If not, that's what I meant..
she's acting like a spoiled rotten princess. I'm not saying that she's a
bad person. I just get the feeling she doesn't want to deal with the
kids, and is looking for something to complain about.
Sioux
"Zipadee" <phonef...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1103300545.8...@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
>I guess this is just a vent because this one really
> seems to be outside my circle. Just another in a long line
> of events between DD and ex's live-in GF.
Disclaimer:
I am going to play devil's advocate here. So don't take offence please.
I am not trying to attack you, just show another prospective. Keep in mind
that I'm steaming about my SO's Ex butting in way too often. Especially over
things that she wouldn't see as wrong if she knew the whole story.
>
> Last night, GF called my DD (age 16) at my house to
> complain because DD had put GF's clothes in the dryer
> when DD wanted to start a wash and GF's clothing was
> in there. Isn't that the considerate thing to do?
It may be the considerate thing to do at your house, but perhaps SM has
asked her not to do that.
SM may be angry for MANY different reasons. It could be that she had clothes
that shouldn't be dried, or had "unmentionables" in there that she didn't
want her to see. It could be that she was mad that SD left her clothes in
the dryer for her to fold. She could be mad that she waited till the last
possible minute to do her laundry. It could have been her work clothes for
Monday that she had planned to throw in the dryer instead of ironing them
before work. The possibilities are endless.
> GF was asleep at the time, it was late. My children
> are at their dad's house a few nights each week and
> they do their own laundry.
>
> Of course, I only heard my DD's side of the conversation
That is key...you are only hearing one side of the story.
> and then I left the room but heard yelling from DD.
Does DD yell at you like that? What would be the consequences if she did?
>She
> was asking what GF wanted her to do - take it out and
> leave it somewhere wet? Wake GF up and ask?
And you don't know how she answered that. It is not impossible that SM has
asked DD to do a specific thing. Would DD admit that to you? That she
doesn't want to do what SM has asked?
>I think
> GF didn't want her to use the machines at all since
> GF's stuff was sitting in there even though DD needed
> to do her own (DD's) laundry.
That is your opinion, but you don't live there. You don't know what the
situation really is.
>After a
> few minutes of yelling back and forth, DD said she
> had to go do her homework and hung up on GF. GF called
> back and DD decided not to answer her phone.
I am seeing that DD showed her some serious disrespect here. I ask this, why
is she calling her about this? Is it to be mean and that she is jumping on
her over this as it was an excuse to verbally abuse her? Or, is she trying
to resolve an issue and getting attitude, yelled at, and hung up on?
>I'm also
> told by my kids that GF acts like she owns the machines -
> if their stuff is in there when she wants to use the machines,
> she'll just take it out and leave it crumpled in a basket.
You really have to keep in mind that your kids may only tell you what they
want to (half the story), or what they think will get a rise out of you (SM
is an unreasonable bitch).
No offence, but it seems to work. That something as simple as laundry can
get you so worked up that you feel compelled to contact their dad over it. I
completely understand feeling like you have to defend your children.
However, to a large extent that is their fathers job when it involves his
household.
At the same time I don't like the suggestion that Dad be the SM police
either. The kids have to learn what is expected of them at their house,
respect their SM, and not go running every time they hear something they
don't like.
Don't get me wrong, if there is a serious problem it should be addressed.
> My DS tells me he FOLDS her stuff if he has to take it
> out but she doesn't do the same for him.
So what you are saying is that it is ok when DS does it, but not DD?
Something isn't clicking here?
SM doesn't ream him for doing it? That says to me this fight was about
something else.
>
> DD waited til this morning to listen to the message GF left.
> I don't know everything she said but DD is having some
> friends visit from out-of-town over vacation (to visit DD
> and a number of other local kids that took a group trip this
> summer) and GF threatened to not allow the out-of-towners
> stay at their house because DD hung up on her. To ME, this
> sort of punishment, that adversely affects others, who have
> already made travel plans is just not right. (As well as
> out-of-scale for the crime of hanging up on GF). I would
> let them stay at my house but I'll be away or DD would never
> even have asked her dad about having friends stay there.
First of all, you don't get to decide who stays at SM's house. It is a
privilege that she allowed SD. If my SD gave me attitude, yelled at me, hung
up on me, then wouldn't answer my calls because she was angry that she got
called on something that she did wrong, I may consider taking away a
privilege.
> I'm hoping GF will calm down but the time my kids go
> there this evening. I wonder where DD will find HER clothing
> when she gets there.
If DD was worried about HER clothing, she wouldn't have left it in the dryer
for SM to deal with.
>
> Maybe I can just suggest to my ex that he buy GF her own
> washer and dryer?
That is ridiculous! They all need to learn to coexist. There is a lot of
compromising that all parties have to do. Having separate but equal hasn't
worked before you know. :P
>
> Thanks for listening.
> -- Z
>
Zip I feel for you. It isn't easy to be in a blended family for anyone. It
is really hard to not have control over what happens to your children half
of the time. It is also really hard to have EVERY little thing that you do
ripped apart and analyzed by an ex who is only getting half of the story.
I wish I had a solution for you, about the only thing I can say is to have a
little faith in your ex, and to choose your battles. Perhaps SM needs to
have a family meeting to discuss expectations, responsibilities and respect.
~Sioux
Sioux
*Calinda*
>
>> My DS tells me he FOLDS her stuff if he has to take it
>> out but she doesn't do the same for him.
>
> So what you are saying is that it is ok when DS does it, but not DD?
> Something isn't clicking here?
> SM doesn't ream him for doing it? That says to me this fight was about
> something else.
>
I read that as DS folds the girlfriend stuff if he has to take it out, but
GF does not do the same in return.
*Calinda*
> First of all, you don't get to decide who stays at SM's house. It is a
> privilege that she allowed SD.
WTF.. this was that girls house, before it was the girlfriends house. How
is that a priviledge?
Sioux
"*Calinda*" <CalindaD...@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message
news:Xns95C5A65EC...@130.133.1.4...
>DD is having some
> friends visit from out-of-town over vacation (to visit DD
> and a number of other local kids that took a group trip this
> summer)
Having friends stay at her house is a privilege. How is that a right just
because SD was 'there first"??
Like it or not, it is also GF's house now and she has a bigger say in who
stays there than DD or BM.
heather m.
"Melissa" <laa...@aol.comNOSPAM> wrote in message
news:20041220141908...@mb-m07.aol.com...
>>>
>>> But you know, that's somewhat normal. The kids probably resent her
>>too. Dad
>>> may resent that everyone can't just get along. Resentment alone
>>isn't so much
>>> of a problem. It's how you handle it.
>>
>>Well, yes, and I don't think she handles it well.
>
> Ok let me try this again. It's not about GF alone. This is a family
> problem,
> not just a GF problem.
>
>
> Love,
> Melissa
Well I flat out think it's a Dad problem. Sheesh. If I was Dad, I would
have asked her why she threw DD's clothes in the basement after I picked
them up and I would have told her she was quite shitty to do so. Then, GF
would have probably asked me (the Dad) why I didn't make them do things
better or more her way or whatever. Anyway, what I'm saying is (if it makes
sense) that Dad is cleaning up after everyone and not communicating.
I think Dear ol' Dad is shitty to not have asked GF why he threw the clothes
in the *basement* of all places when there was a basket available, I would
have been pissed if it was my kid. I also think Dear ol' Dad is shitty for
laughing with DD for what a nut job his GF is. To tell you the truth, I
think GF *knows* all of this and probably figures if kids weren't around Dad
wouldn't be laughing about her. I think Dad is an ass for wanting GF around
but not respecting her one bit.
And honestly, GF is probably clueless in all of this and the way she is
acting. These sorts of situations can happen, it did with me when I was a
very young step-mom with my son's father who was a total Dick Head. I
couldn't *stand* my SD because I thought if she went away then ex would
treat me better and would help out with son more. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Anyway, my point is, I saw how I was trying to make the ex act a certain way
or behave a certain way or you could even say I was *hoping* he'd act a
certain way and I thought having SD around as little as possible would help
in that. Crazy? Yes. I was very young and very dumb.
So looking at this again, I think Dad is a passive shit head that likes his
regular sex with his nutjob gf and doesn't respect her at all, and at the
same time he's got these kids that he wants around but doesn't respect them
either enough to ask gf why she threw one's laundry in the basement. I
think gf is somewhat immature and naive and doesn't really know what she is
dealing with or getting herself into and while her actions are a bit shitty,
I tend to think she is floundering here and doesn't have a good grasp on the
sort of situation she is in.
Heather
Zipadee
> "Zipadee" <phonef...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:1103300545.8...@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
> >I guess this is just a vent because this one really
> > seems to be outside my circle. Just another in a long line
> > of events between DD and ex's live-in GF.
>
> Disclaimer:
> I am going to play devil's advocate here. So don't take offence
please.
> I am not trying to attack you, just show another prospective. Keep in
mind
> that I'm steaming about my SO's Ex butting in way too often.
Especially over
> things that she wouldn't see as wrong if she knew the whole story.
> >
> > Last night, GF called my DD (age 16) at my house to
> > complain because DD had put GF's clothes in the dryer
> > when DD wanted to start a wash and GF's clothing was
> > in there. Isn't that the considerate thing to do?
>
> It may be the considerate thing to do at your house, but perhaps SM
has
> asked her not to do that.
Hello Sioux,
I refer to her as GF, not SM, because ex and GF are not married.
They don't represent themselves as married and GF does not claim
to be the kids SM. She is their dad's GF. That's how they view her.
> SM may be angry for MANY different reasons. It could be that she had
clothes
> that shouldn't be dried, or had "unmentionables" in there that she
didn't
> want her to see.
True, but that isn't what she said. She told DD that she should not
have done anything with it even though DD wanted to do a laundry.
DD just shouldn't have done her own laundry then because GF's stuff
was sitting in there. DD felt she couldn't wait to do her own laundry
because she needed something for the next day.
>It could be that she was mad that SD left her clothes in
> the dryer for her to fold.
There is no assumption that when one person leaves clothing in
the dryer that anyone else has to fold it.
> She could be mad that she waited till the last
> possible minute to do her laundry.
While *I* don't even agree with leaving things til the last minute,
what harm does it do GF if DD doesn't do her own things til the
last minute?
> It could have been her work clothes for
> Monday that she had planned to throw in the dryer instead of ironing
them
> before work. The possibilities are endless.
So it's okay for GF to leave clothing in the machines so others cannot
do laundry but it's a terrible thing for someone else in the house to
do
something similar? And when someone else attempts to deal with
the problem in the way they consider most helpful, which may not
be what GF wanted, it's okay to throw the other person's laundry
into another basement room?
While I can see that many things are different between adults and
children, I can't see that access to laundry machines is one of
those things.
> > GF was asleep at the time, it was late. My children
> > are at their dad's house a few nights each week and
> > they do their own laundry.
> >
> > Of course, I only heard my DD's side of the conversation
>
> That is key...you are only hearing one side of the story.
>
> > and then I left the room but heard yelling from DD.
>
> Does DD yell at you like that? What would be the consequences if she
did?
Yes DD sometimes yells at me. We don't always talk in calm voices.
Yelling doesn't necessarily have consequences of its own. We don't
get into big shouting matches though.
> >She
> > was asking what GF wanted her to do - take it out and
> > leave it somewhere wet? Wake GF up and ask?
>
> And you don't know how she answered that. It is not impossible that
SM has
> asked DD to do a specific thing. Would DD admit that to you? That she
> doesn't want to do what SM has asked?
Yes she would admit that.
>
> >I think
> > GF didn't want her to use the machines at all since
> > GF's stuff was sitting in there even though DD needed
> > to do her own (DD's) laundry.
>
> That is your opinion, but you don't live there. You don't know what
the
> situation really is.
>
> >After a
> > few minutes of yelling back and forth, DD said she
> > had to go do her homework and hung up on GF. GF called
> > back and DD decided not to answer her phone.
>
> I am seeing that DD showed her some serious disrespect here. I ask
this, why
> is she calling her about this? Is it to be mean and that she is
jumping on
> her over this as it was an excuse to verbally abuse her? Or, is she
trying
> to resolve an issue and getting attitude, yelled at, and hung up on?
Well, I ask you, what do you think GF hoped to do by calling her?
Why did GF not wait til DD was next at dad's house? There was NOTHING
DD could do about it from my house. If all she said was "next time
please do X", I don't think DD would have reacted the way she did.
GF was yelling at her, that's why DD eventually hung up on her.
Even I could tell the conversation was going nowhere.
DD finds it hard to respect someone who expects to be treated
better than she treats others.
> >I'm also
> > told by my kids that GF acts like she owns the machines -
> > if their stuff is in there when she wants to use the machines,
> > she'll just take it out and leave it crumpled in a basket.
>
> You really have to keep in mind that your kids may only tell you what
they
> want to (half the story), or what they think will get a rise out of
you (SM
> is an unreasonable bitch).
>
> No offence, but it seems to work. That something as simple as laundry
can
> get you so worked up that you feel compelled to contact their dad
over it. I
> completely understand feeling like you have to defend your children.
> However, to a large extent that is their fathers job when it involves
his
> household.
Oh I definitely agree with you, it is their father's job. He doesn't
see it that way and does nothing. Shrug. The one time (in the past,
not now) that GF contacted me directly to complain about something
DD had done she said to me that she couldn't get Ex to do anything
about it.
Also, it wasn't that I was "compelled to contact their dad over it".
That sounds like a big deal. I email him frequently, generally to
keep him informed about something with the kids' schedules. And
we chat at times if he picks the kids up at my house. In my
situation (cordial between ex and I), it is no big deal that
I suggested other machines and he didn't take offense at my
discussing it. He told me that GF gets all upset when someone
touches her laundry so even he doesn't dare. He certainly seemed to
think that GF was overreacting.
> At the same time I don't like the suggestion that Dad be the SM
police
> either. The kids have to learn what is expected of them at their
house,
> respect their SM, and not go running every time they hear something
they
> don't like.
>
> Don't get me wrong, if there is a serious problem it should be
addressed.
>
> > My DS tells me he FOLDS her stuff if he has to take it
> > out but she doesn't do the same for him.
>
> So what you are saying is that it is ok when DS does it, but not DD?
> Something isn't clicking here?
> SM doesn't ream him for doing it? That says to me this fight was
about
> something else.
DS doesn't like to get into conflict with GF and goes the appeasement
route (much as his dad does). DD and GF get into power struggles
regularly, I think. So probably GF WILL more quickly take offense
at something DD does.
Also, DS has sometimes folded dry clothing of GF's while this time
DD put wet clothes into the dryer then took them out. I believe DD
put them neatly in a basket but didn't fold them.
> > DD waited til this morning to listen to the message GF left.
> > I don't know everything she said but DD is having some
> > friends visit from out-of-town over vacation (to visit DD
> > and a number of other local kids that took a group trip this
> > summer) and GF threatened to not allow the out-of-towners
> > stay at their house because DD hung up on her. To ME, this
> > sort of punishment, that adversely affects others, who have
> > already made travel plans is just not right. (As well as
> > out-of-scale for the crime of hanging up on GF). I would
> > let them stay at my house but I'll be away or DD would never
> > even have asked her dad about having friends stay there.
>
> First of all, you don't get to decide who stays at SM's house. It is
a
> privilege that she allowed SD. If my SD gave me attitude, yelled at
me, hung
> up on me, then wouldn't answer my calls because she was angry that
she got
> called on something that she did wrong, I may consider taking away a
> privilege.
Would you call your SD at someone else's house to yell at her?
But DD is not GF's SD. And DD did not get called about something she
did "wrong" but about something she did that didn't match GF's
preference which she didn't know of. Also,
while discipline is possible about some things, it isn't right to
affect other people's travel plans to discipline one person.
The people who are coming to visit are coming from several states
away and are part of a group reunion. They have made their
travel plans. If they are not allowed to stay over, it will affect
the whole group, not just DD. Find some other way to discipline her
if necessary.
I know some people will find it irrelevant but it isn't GF's
house. Ex owns it and he and the kids have been there for
more years. GF moved in a few years ago.
> > I'm hoping GF will calm down but the time my kids go
> > there this evening. I wonder where DD will find HER clothing
> > when she gets there.
>
> If DD was worried about HER clothing, she wouldn't have left it in
the dryer
> for SM to deal with.
DD wasn't worried about her clothing.
She left it in the dryer, yes. She did NOT leave it for GF to deal
with.
It would either have been left in the dryer (if no one else needed the
dryer) or anyone could have just placed it in the basket that was
sitting right there. Ex must have felt that GF's behavior was
out-of-bounds
because he picked DD's clothing up from where GF threw it and put
it in the basket.
> >
> > Maybe I can just suggest to my ex that he buy GF her own
> > washer and dryer?
>
> That is ridiculous! They all need to learn to coexist. There is a lot
of
> compromising that all parties have to do. Having separate but equal
hasn't
> worked before you know. :P
> >
> > Thanks for listening.
> > -- Z
> >
> Zip I feel for you. It isn't easy to be in a blended family for
anyone. It
> is really hard to not have control over what happens to your children
half
> of the time. It is also really hard to have EVERY little thing that
you do
> ripped apart and analyzed by an ex who is only getting half of the
story.
GF doesn't know to what extent this issue has been discussed. She and
I seldom discuss anything of substance.
> I wish I had a solution for you, about the only thing I can say is to
have a
> little faith in your ex, and to choose your battles. Perhaps SM
needs to
> have a family meeting to discuss expectations, responsibilities and
respect.
I wasn't looking for a solution for me. There isn't one. I get along
with my ex just fine but have NO faith in his ability to deal with this
because mostly he tries to stay out of it. He's said so. There's NO
battle here for ME, I just listen to what my daughter says, I'm not
fighting anyone. I vent HERE.
I think also, Sioux, that you ARE a SM with appropriate privileges.
Like Geri. But the GF in this situation is not. My kids are teens
and I do believe that it makes a difference how old the kids are
when a new adult enters the picture. How old are your children?
-- Z
heather m.
"Sioux" <quin...@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:g_qdnbGmcNM...@comcast.com...
Well I think she'd like it to be "her house" but Dad isn't acting in a way
that says it's "her house" also. I think she wants it to be, and is angry
that it's not, and resents the children for it. Dad is the asshole here,
IMO. What you say above would be feasible if Dad were backing GF up and
respecting her like he should.
Heather
>
>
Sioux
"*Calinda*" <CalindaD...@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message
Is the issue that GF isn't folding their laundry? I thought it was
understood that the SK's do their own laundry. That includes folding.
It is super that they have folded her laundry, but that doesn't mean she has
to fold theirs. It may have made her mad even. True it would be nice, I wish
I had someone to fold mine!
I was hearing that the issue was GF being mad at SD for switching her
laundry, and perhaps for leaving clothes in the dryer for her to fold. I
have no idea what her preferences about laundry are. DD should, and if she
doesn't by now, she should ask. Perhaps there has been a lack of
communication
IMO BM shouldn't be involved AT ALL in how GF does her laundry...that is
insane! This is an issue that THE KIDS need to work out at their Dad's house
with Dad and GF.
*Calinda*
> "*Calinda*" <CalindaD...@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message
>>>> My DS tells me he FOLDS her stuff if he has to take it
>>>> out but she doesn't do the same for him.
>>>
>>> So what you are saying is that it is ok when DS does it, but not DD?
>>> Something isn't clicking here?
>>> SM doesn't ream him for doing it? That says to me this fight was
>>> about something else.
>>>
>> I read that as DS folds the girlfriend stuff if he has to take it
>> out, but GF does not do the same in return.
> I hear you, and that is true. That isn't the issue though... is it?
It is what you responded to in the reply I quoted, where you said
something doesn't add up.
> Is the issue that GF isn't folding their laundry? I thought it was
> understood that the SK's do their own laundry. That includes folding.
Right, but what he is saying is if he has to take her stuff out of the
dryer, he folds it, but does not have that favor returned.
> It is super that they have folded her laundry, but that doesn't mean
> she has to fold theirs.
Absolutely not.. she doesn't have to toss it in the basement, though.
That is just petty and childish, IMO.
> It may have made her mad even. True it would
> be nice, I wish I had someone to fold mine!
>
> I was hearing that the issue was GF being mad at SD for switching her
> laundry, and perhaps for leaving clothes in the dryer for her to fold.
> I have no idea what her preferences about laundry are. DD should, and
> if she doesn't by now, she should ask. Perhaps there has been a lack
> of communication
I don't think it's a "perhaps" here. It is a colossal lack of
communication.
> IMO BM shouldn't be involved AT ALL in how GF does her laundry...that
> is insane!
The second she calls or emails the BM, the BM is involved. The second she
calls the daughter and starts yelling at her, while at the BM's house,
she's involved, at least indirectly.
> This is an issue that THE KIDS need to work out at their
> Dad's house with Dad and GF.
Geez Louise.. Why the hell is the onus on fixing this shit on the KIDS?
Shouldn't it be the GF discussing her concerns with the Dad, at which
point the two of them present their desires to the children in how things
should be handled? The onus is on the GF here. Though I agree with those
that say the biggest fault lies in the dad putting his head in the sand.
If this were me, and I were having issues with SO's kids I would talk to
him privately, and then we would come to an agreement or compromise and
then deal with it together. I would expect to be respected, but that
would have to work both ways, IMO.
rebecca
"*Calinda*" <CalindaD...@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message
>
> It's *silly* to get bent out of shape when someone touches their laundry!
> The kid didn't toss it out on the floor, unlike her, if you recall. If
> laundry is such a BFD, then take care of it, don't leave it laying around.
> She is acting as if she's the only one in the house. With kids, that's
> just not gonna happen.
No sillier than it is to get pissed when your daughter dings the garage.
People care about different things, Cal, and what bothers one person
immensely may not affect another at all. GF is living with teenagers that
don't like her, I guarantee you that they're getting some back on her, no
matter how much they might be telling their mom otherwise. Seems to me that
GF is acting as if she's living in a house with people that don't respect
her. And she is.
Maybe she's not handling it well, but it's really freaking hard to love
someone, live with their kids, and not feel stressed or awkward or
uncomfortable sometimes. When SS was little, he always wanted to sleep with
us, that made me batshit. Now he wants to play his music at top volume and
leave dishes and dirty clothes on the floor everywhere. Part of living with
other people is hashing out expectations about this kind of stuff.
>
>> Zip's ex sees the kids,
>
> !!! I hate that "See's the Kids". They *live* there- BIG difference from
> just stopping over now & then. They always have.
>
Oh, whatever. Semantics, Cal. Zip's father is involved with his children
in a significant way. It's still not comparable to your situation.
>
> But she is forced to live in a hostile home, due to choices not of her
> own. Her father has brought this hostile situation into her life and then
> turns his back on it, rather than help the situation. I hate that. It
> angers me.
It's a big leap from GF tossing some laundry around to "a hostile home".
This is petty bickering. The girl's a teenager, no court in the country is
going to make her split homes if she chooses not to.
I can totally see OP's frustration and irritation. But this is not an issue
to take any great big stand over.
rebecca
rebecca
"*Calinda*" <CalindaD...@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message
> I do feel, from the things that
> have been said that she doesn't want to really blend the family, though.
Hey, maybe she doesn't. These aren't babies, they're teens, and she and the
dad don't have kids of their own. What's wrong with her wanting to be just
dad's girlfriend? If they can keep on an even keel until the kids go to
college, then she can reclaim her house, the kids _do_, in many respects,
become visitors, and everything's happy.
I've never heard Zip say she's putting pressure on the dad to stop sharing
custody, she's respecting that he wants the relationship. But there isn't
any law that says she has to want a deep and fulfilling relationship with
someone else's kids, and it doesn't make her a bad person if she doesn't
want to be a stepmom. Being a stepmom sucks.
rebecca
Sioux
> Sioux wrote:
>> "Zipadee" <phonef...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
>> news:1103300545.8...@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
>
Hiya!
> I refer to her as GF, not SM, because ex and GF are not married.
> They don't represent themselves as married and GF does not claim
> to be the kids SM. She is their dad's GF. That's how they view her.
I understand that. Still she is an adult that deserves respect from the
children.
>> SM may be angry for MANY different reasons. It could be that she had
> clothes
>> that shouldn't be dried, or had "unmentionables" in there that she
> didn't
>> want her to see.
>
> True, but that isn't what she said. She told DD that she should not
> have done anything with it even though DD wanted to do a laundry.
> DD just shouldn't have done her own laundry then because GF's stuff
> was sitting in there. DD felt she couldn't wait to do her own laundry
> because she needed something for the next day.
Ok, so the conflict is...
GF wants to have unlimited use of the machines in her home and doesn't want
anyone to handle her clothes. Is that unreasonable? Perhaps.
Yes, the children are not guests, but members of the household. They should
have access to them as well I absolutely agree.
If Gf has repeatedly requested that they not touch her clothes at all, be
they in the dryer or the washer, they should respect that.
They should work out a time to do their laundry, or wait till the machines
are free. If they aren't given time to do it, that should be addressed.
I know that at my father's house I wouldn't dream of touching my SM's
laundry. She would flip! I waited until they were empty, and thought ahead
to make sure I had clothing. I would ask to use the machines if they were
full and I needed them. True you said GF was asleep and she couldn't ask.
IMO she should have waited, asked Dad, or thought ahead.
>
>>It could be that she was mad that SD left her clothes in
>> the dryer for her to fold.
>
> There is no assumption that when one person leaves clothing in
> the dryer that anyone else has to fold it.
>
>> She could be mad that she waited till the last
>> possible minute to do her laundry.
>
> While *I* don't even agree with leaving things til the last minute,
> what harm does it do GF if DD doesn't do her own things til the
> last minute?
It doesn't, but it may be why there was a sense of urgency for DD to get it
done, and overlook GF's preferences.
>
>> It could have been her work clothes for
>> Monday that she had planned to throw in the dryer instead of ironing
> them
>> before work. The possibilities are endless.
>
> So it's okay for GF to leave clothing in the machines so others cannot
> do laundry but it's a terrible thing for someone else in the house to
> do
> something similar? And when someone else attempts to deal with
> the problem in the way they consider most helpful, which may not
> be what GF wanted, it's okay to throw the other person's laundry
> into another basement room?
I'm not condoning her behavior. It is just not always as simple as it seems.
>
> While I can see that many things are different between adults and
> children, I can't see that access to laundry machines is one of
> those things.
>
>> > GF was asleep at the time, it was late. My children
>> > are at their dad's house a few nights each week and
>> > they do their own laundry.
>> >
>> > Of course, I only heard my DD's side of the conversation
>>
>> That is key...you are only hearing one side of the story.
>>
>> > and then I left the room but heard yelling from DD.
>>
>> Does DD yell at you like that? What would be the consequences if she
> did?
>
> Yes DD sometimes yells at me. We don't always talk in calm voices.
> Yelling doesn't necessarily have consequences of its own. We don't
> get into big shouting matches though.
Well, GF may object to being yelled at in that way. I know that I will not
tolerate any of my kids/Sk's yelling at me. True mine aren't teenagers yet
though lol.
>>
>> >After a
>> > few minutes of yelling back and forth, DD said she
>> > had to go do her homework and hung up on GF. GF called
>> > back and DD decided not to answer her phone.
>>
>> I am seeing that DD showed her some serious disrespect here. I ask
> this, why
>> is she calling her about this? Is it to be mean and that she is
> jumping on
>> her over this as it was an excuse to verbally abuse her? Or, is she
> trying
>> to resolve an issue and getting attitude, yelled at, and hung up on?
>
> Well, I ask you, what do you think GF hoped to do by calling her?
> Why did GF not wait til DD was next at dad's house? There was NOTHING
> DD could do about it from my house. If all she said was "next time
> please do X", I don't think DD would have reacted the way she did.
I can't speak for her. She may be a wicked unreasonable witch who likes to
yell and put down the kids.
She probably called to resolve an issue while it was fresh. Not looking for
DD to do something about it, but to acknowledge her requests, and let her
know what she prefers.
>
> GF was yelling at her, that's why DD eventually hung up on her.
> Even I could tell the conversation was going nowhere.
> DD finds it hard to respect someone who expects to be treated
> better than she treats others.
I'm sorry to hear that they yell at each other like that. I hope that they
can learn to communicate in a more effective way.
>
> Oh I definitely agree with you, it is their father's job. He doesn't
> see it that way and does nothing. Shrug. The one time (in the past,
> not now) that GF contacted me directly to complain about something
> DD had done she said to me that she couldn't get Ex to do anything
> about it.
>
> Also, it wasn't that I was "compelled to contact their dad over it".
> That sounds like a big deal. I email him frequently, generally to
> keep him informed about something with the kids' schedules. And
> we chat at times if he picks the kids up at my house. In my
> situation (cordial between ex and I), it is no big deal that
> I suggested other machines and he didn't take offense at my
> discussing it. He told me that GF gets all upset when someone
> touches her laundry so even he doesn't dare. He certainly seemed to
> think that GF was overreacting.
It is really cool that you can talk like that with your ex. It's too bad
that he can't talk like that with GF.
It sucks that in order to get along they cater to her, but on the other hand
it does take compromising to make relationships work.
She's freaky about her laundry.... they all know it, so why not respect it?
>
>> > DD waited til this morning to listen to the message GF left.
>> > I don't know everything she said but DD is having some
>> > friends visit from out-of-town over vacation (to visit DD
>> > and a number of other local kids that took a group trip this
>> > summer) and GF threatened to not allow the out-of-towners
>> > stay at their house because DD hung up on her. To ME, this
>> > sort of punishment, that adversely affects others, who have
>> > already made travel plans is just not right. (As well as
>> > out-of-scale for the crime of hanging up on GF). I would
>> > let them stay at my house but I'll be away or DD would never
>> > even have asked her dad about having friends stay there.
>>
>> First of all, you don't get to decide who stays at SM's house. It is
> a
>> privilege that she allowed SD. If my SD gave me attitude, yelled at
> me, hung
>> up on me, then wouldn't answer my calls because she was angry that
> she got
>> called on something that she did wrong, I may consider taking away a
>> privilege.
>
> Would you call your SD at someone else's house to yell at her?
No, I wait, but my SD isn't 16 with a cell phone. I just may call her to
discuss things if she were.
>
> But DD is not GF's SD. And DD did not get called about something she
> did "wrong" but about something she did that didn't match GF's
> preference which she didn't know of.
Either way SM or GF, she is an adult in the house that is an authority
figure. She had a problem, addressed it, and got disrespected.
>Also,
> while discipline is possible about some things, it isn't right to
> affect other people's travel plans to discipline one person.
> The people who are coming to visit are coming from several states
> away and are part of a group reunion. They have made their
> travel plans. If they are not allowed to stay over, it will affect
> the whole group, not just DD. Find some other way to discipline her
> if necessary.
It was probably just a threat to show how serious she was anyway.
>
> I know some people will find it irrelevant but it isn't GF's
> house. Ex owns it and he and the kids have been there for
> more years. GF moved in a few years ago.
That is a DANGEROUS way to look at it. It is her house, she lives there. It
doesn't matter who's name is on the deed.
>
>> > I'm hoping GF will calm down but the time my kids go
>> > there this evening. I wonder where DD will find HER clothing
>> > when she gets there.
>>
>> If DD was worried about HER clothing, she wouldn't have left it in
> the dryer
>> for SM to deal with.
>
> DD wasn't worried about her clothing.
> She left it in the dryer, yes. She did NOT leave it for GF to deal
> with.
Then who?
> It would either have been left in the dryer (if no one else needed the
> dryer) or anyone could have just placed it in the basket that was
> sitting right there. Ex must have felt that GF's behavior was
> out-of-bounds
> because he picked DD's clothing up from where GF threw it and put
> it in the basket.
>
Yes, it was an overreaction, and GF shouldn't have thrown it like that, but
did she do it because it was left in the dryer, or because of the argument
and disrespect that she got over it?
>> >
>> > Maybe I can just suggest to my ex that he buy GF her own
>> > washer and dryer?
>>
>> That is ridiculous! They all need to learn to coexist. There is a lot
> of
>> compromising that all parties have to do. Having separate but equal
> hasn't
>> worked before you know. :P
>> >
>> > Thanks for listening.
>> > -- Z
>> >
>> Zip I feel for you. It isn't easy to be in a blended family for
> anyone. It
>> is really hard to not have control over what happens to your children
> half
>> of the time. It is also really hard to have EVERY little thing that
> you do
>> ripped apart and analyzed by an ex who is only getting half of the
> story.
>
> GF doesn't know to what extent this issue has been discussed. She and
> I seldom discuss anything of substance.
It isn't important if GF knows...Does DD know? Does your ex know? That is
where an unhealthy dynamic gets set.
>
>> I wish I had a solution for you, about the only thing I can say is to
> have a
>> little faith in your ex, and to choose your battles. Perhaps SM
> needs to
>> have a family meeting to discuss expectations, responsibilities and
> respect.
>
> I wasn't looking for a solution for me. There isn't one. I get along
> with my ex just fine but have NO faith in his ability to deal with this
> because mostly he tries to stay out of it. He's said so. There's NO
> battle here for ME, I just listen to what my daughter says, I'm not
> fighting anyone. I vent HERE.
Gotcha, sorry for implying that you were behaving in a negative way.
>
> I think also, Sioux, that you ARE a SM with appropriate privileges.
> Like Geri. But the GF in this situation is not. My kids are teens
> and I do believe that it makes a difference how old the kids are
> when a new adult enters the picture. How old are your children?
>
> -- Z
>
I agree it does make a difference, but the underlying concepts are the same.
*Calinda*
>
> "*Calinda*" <CalindaD...@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message
> news:Xns95C5473F1...@130.133.1.4...
>>
>> It's *silly* to get bent out of shape when someone touches their
>> laundry! The kid didn't toss it out on the floor, unlike her, if you
>> recall. If laundry is such a BFD, then take care of it, don't leave
>> it laying around. She is acting as if she's the only one in the
>> house. With kids, that's just not gonna happen.
>
> No sillier than it is to get pissed when your daughter dings the
> garage.
How can you compare this laundry business (both this new one, and the old
one) with breaking a part of the house, then getting out and saying what's
the big deal? It wasn't just a 'ding'. Did I over-react. Absolutely.
But it was not a little scratch. Both the garage and the car are damaged.
> People care about different things, Cal, and what bothers one
> person immensely may not affect another at all. GF is living with
> teenagers that don't like her, I guarantee you that they're getting
> some back on her, no matter how much they might be telling their mom
> otherwise. Seems to me that GF is acting as if she's living in a
> house with people that don't respect her. And she is.
She doesn't have to live there. She made the choice to move into a home
with kids. Unlike the kids, who have no choice.
> Maybe she's not handling it well, but it's really freaking hard to
> love someone, live with their kids, and not feel stressed or awkward
> or uncomfortable sometimes. When SS was little, he always wanted to
> sleep with us, that made me batshit. Now he wants to play his music
> at top volume and leave dishes and dirty clothes on the floor
> everywhere. Part of living with other people is hashing out
> expectations about this kind of stuff.
EXACTLY. Rather than toss clean clothes to the basement floor, or dump
them on the floor or call and yell at someone for putting the clothes in
the drying.... hash things out. The person that should be acting grown up
*is* the grownup.
>>> Zip's ex sees the kids,
>>
>> !!! I hate that "See's the Kids". They *live* there- BIG difference
>> from just stopping over now & then. They always have.
>>
>
> Oh, whatever. Semantics, Cal.
I *completely* disagree. You head on over to ASD and ask any of the dad's
if this is semantics.
> Zip's father is involved with his
> children in a significant way.
Again, I object to the way it was worded. It implies something other than
what it really is. They live there. They have lived there long before the
GF moved in, as well.
> It's still not comparable to your
> situation.
You keep bringing my ex into this. I never once have.
The KIDS live there and always have. This is their home and was long
before she moved in. The onus is on her, as the adult, to work out the
rules with the dad, not to go apeshit on the kids. How can they know what
to do if she hasn't told them? Maybe in the past that WAS the rule for
what to do with wet laundry?
>> But she is forced to live in a hostile home, due to choices not of
>> her own. Her father has brought this hostile situation into her life
>> and then turns his back on it, rather than help the situation. I
>> hate that. It angers me.
>
> It's a big leap from GF tossing some laundry around to "a hostile
> home". This is petty bickering.
It's a pattern of hostility. Tossing clean clothes into the basement is
hostile.
> The girl's a teenager, no court in
> the country is going to make her split homes if she chooses not to.
So, the girls options are: live with a hostile woman that doesn't want her
around, or move away from her dad? Those options suck. Why can't the
solution be the girlfriend grow up? The dad grow up and start acting like
a dad?
> I can totally see OP's frustration and irritation. But this is not an
> issue to take any great big stand over.
What I see is your being an apologist for the bad behavior of this woman,
for reasons I don't really understand. I don't understand why the bad
behavior of a grownup gets a pass like this.
rebecca
>
> GF was yelling at her, that's why DD eventually hung up on her.
> Even I could tell the conversation was going nowhere.
> DD finds it hard to respect someone who expects to be treated
> better than she treats others.
Ah, the silver lining. Then it's good that your daughter has the chance to
learn how to get on with someone she doesn't really respect now. Because
once she's in the world, she'll have to suck up a world of people who have
control/influence over her life that she wouldn't necessarily pick for
herself. College professors, bosses, tax auditors, policemen, co-workers,
etc.
>
> I know some people will find it irrelevant but it isn't GF's
> house. Ex owns it and he and the kids have been there for
> more years. GF moved in a few years ago.
Yeah, that's irrelevant.
>
> DD wasn't worried about her clothing.
> She left it in the dryer, yes. She did NOT leave it for GF to deal
> with.
So you're upset at the idea that the SM might have dealt with your
daughter's clothes in some way she chose, because she needed the dryer and
your daughter's clothes were left in it? Um, isn't the reverse of that why
you're upset? And you betcha, if my SS ran out to his mom's leaving his
clothes in my dryer, they'd be in a heap on his bed.
And p.s. I don't financially own the dryer, my DH does. And that doesn't
make a lick of difference.
rebecca
*Calinda*
> So you're upset at the idea that the SM might have dealt with your
> daughter's clothes in some way she chose, because she needed the dryer
> and your daughter's clothes were left in it? Um, isn't the reverse of
> that why you're upset? And you betcha, if my SS ran out to his mom's
> leaving his clothes in my dryer, they'd be in a heap on his bed.
Is tossing it to the basement floor the same as folding it and putting it
in a basket?
Why couldn't gf just toss it into a basket that was nearby or on the bed?
Why be petty and toss it on the basement floor. That seems vindictive and
childish. The daughter didn't act that childish.
rebecca
"*Calinda*" <CalindaD...@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message
> On Mon, 20 Dec 2004 22:56:21 GMT, rebecca wrote:
>
> How can you compare this laundry business (both this new one, and the old
> one) with breaking a part of the house, then getting out and saying what's
> the big deal? It wasn't just a 'ding'. Did I over-react. Absolutely.
> But it was not a little scratch. Both the garage and the car are damaged.
My garage is a falling down heap, I wouldn't even notice another scratch.
My car? Might notice, might not. If my 'dry flat' silk tank got thrown
around, left somewhere where it got musty/dirty or was generally manhandled
by anyone else, yeah, I'd notice. And before you say the kid was perfectly
and enormously respectful, just stop. You weren't there, you're really
making a lot of assumptions. Whatever happened, the GF was upset enough to
call her to let her know.
So completely dismissing the GF's concerns isn't going to go anywhere good.
Cal, you always want the adult to act like one, and that's great. I like
that about you. But in reality, that's never going to happen 100% of the
time. And also, in dealing with a stepchild/child who is complaining about
a situation at the other home, you have to listen with a grain of salt.
>
> She doesn't have to live there. She made the choice to move into a home
> with kids. Unlike the kids, who have no choice.
Everyone in the situation has choices.
>>
>> Oh, whatever. Semantics, Cal.
>
> I *completely* disagree. You head on over to ASD and ask any of the dad's
> if this is semantics.
>
>> Zip's father is involved with his
>> children in a significant way.
>
> Again, I object to the way it was worded. It implies something other than
> what it really is. They live there. They have lived there long before
> the
> GF moved in, as well.
Alrighty, then. Lemme give you a big - so what? - there. They lived alone
with dad first. Big whoop. It's interesting that when some people started
offering possible defenses for the girlfriend's actions, both you and the OP
whipped out this as an argument. Yep, dad was committed to his children
first. Now he's committed to his children and his girlfriend. The depth or
importance at any one time of either of those commitments is entirely dad's
business to manage. He doesn't appear to think that his girlfriend and his
daughter arguing about laundry is creating a hostile home. And that's his
decision to make.
Families change. Parents get divorced and recouple. Someone gets a new job
and moves. Someone stops working. New kids come into the picture. Older
kids want to change their custody schedule. You can't expect or mandate
that a relationship between any two people in a family is always going to
have the same intensity, depth, or priority over time.
> The onus is on her, as the adult, to work out the
> rules with the dad,
Yep, again, great in theory. But I have found that if you sit around
waiting for the person who has the onus to do what you expect, you can be
left waiting a long time. Sometimes the person with the onus disagrees with
you. Sometimes the person who has the onus doesn't realize they do.
Sometimes the person with the onus thinks everything is just fine when you
think the sky is falling.
>
> It's a pattern of hostility. Tossing clean clothes into the basement is
> hostile.
Really? How do you know they were 'tossed' and not 'gently placed'? How do
you know if they were on the floor or on a table? Is the basement finished?
Maybe there's a carpet? Maybe she did it right in front of dad, after dad
told her she was overreacting - like 'here, she's your kid, you deal with
this?'. How long were the clothes on the floor? Was the floor clean?
Hostile would have been pouring soda on them, or giving them to the dog. Or
throwing them away. Those actions I can accept on their face as hostile.
But you're interpreting - filling in details that you don't know.
> So, the girls options are: live with a hostile woman that doesn't want
> her
> around, or move away from her dad? Those options suck. Why can't the
> solution be the girlfriend grow up? The dad grow up and start acting like
> a dad?
Why can't the girl plan better when to do her laundry? Why can't she ask
her stepmom when the situation arises, what to do?
> What I see is your being an apologist for the bad behavior of this woman,
> for reasons I don't really understand. I don't understand why the bad
> behavior of a grownup gets a pass like this.
Because she's not beating the kid. Because she's not pressuring dad to move
to another state and abandon his children. Because being pissy about
laundry is just not worth the time.
rebecca
*Calinda*
> Because being pissy about
> laundry is just not worth the time.
But it's worth causing all these problems for the family over.
Well, I've stated my views, nothing that has been said has changed my
mind. I think this woman and the BD need to start acting like two grown
ups, instead of a child and an ostrich. This whole thing smacks of saying
it doesn't matter about anyone else, as long as the GF is happy cuz she's
the grown up here, regardless of whether she's acting like one or not.
But what I think doesn't matter. I wouldn't let this shit go on in my
home, but this isn't my home. So I will stop posting about it.