Almost a Step-Mom
jane lawrence
>
> Hi:
> I just found this group and wanted to write to say Im glad to know it exists!!
> Im getting married in 3 months to a divorced man who has a 5 year old daughter
> daughter - who is adorable and I love- but I never expected to have so many
> mixed feelings, that for me have been unexplainable, at times Ive questioned my
> personal character for feeling the things I feel sometimes about this child,
> her mom and him.
Boy are you in the right place.
> <snip> Am I being way too sensitive?
Too sensitive? Nah. He's lucky you didn't vomit all over the
rug.
jane
jane lawrence
>
>
> Do tell us about you. We love to have new contributors :)
>
See that, Anne? They're "new contributors," not fresh blood.
Subtle difference, I know.
jane
Jem1472
I just found this group and wanted to write to say Im glad to know it exists!!
Im getting married in 3 months to a divorced man who has a 5 year old daughter
daughter - who is adorable and I love- but I never expected to have so many
mixed feelings, that for me have been unexplainable, at times Ive questioned my
personal character for feeling the things I feel sometimes about this child,
about it to says that im the lucky one because our children will live with both
parents, ect...which is quite a bit of positve thinking, I dont presume to live
"happily ever after", I see all of this as a great challange that I belive
(most of the time!) is worth it.
As the wedding date nears I find myself more and more troubled about the future
- and Ive found in your messages a lot of the situations Ive imagined and sure
I will have to confront (some I already have), and I feel less alone in my
struggles.
Ive had a hard time finding my place sometimes, he and his ex call each another
"mommy and daddy" when they speak, he says its habitual because of their
daughter using these names when referring to the other parent, I told him every
child does that and i dont know any parents who 100% of the time call each
other mommy and daddy when the kids arent around, and that most importantly, it
makes me feel like a big third wheel in this whole situation. He said he
understood, apologized and said it would stop. I asked him not to tell her I
feel this way, only because I really didnt feel it was my place to say so, its
like its their family and Im something separate. When he started calling her by
name it was all to obvious and she followed suit (I gathered from answering
machine messages).Well, an already long story shortened: The first time his ex
and I met in person (they live 8 hrs away, visits are bi-monthly and full
summer) she called him daddy and then said to me "oh, Im sorry, I know that
really gets to you". They both still slip and say it and I feel foolish for
ever bringing it up, I just break inside when I hear his ex wife saying "hi
daddy, its me mommy' on the answering machine. Am I being way too sensitive?
This is the only thing Ive asked of him in regards to his ex wife and daughter.
I know Ill be dealing with these things for a long time to come and need to
know that its possible to handle - many thanks to all who read this!
Anne Robotti
weird as hell and I think you were perfectly right to bring it up. I'm
*GLAD* they both recognize your feelings to the point where they would
make an effort to stop. Only time will tell whether the "ex" is slipping
to be a bitch or slipping because they've done it for so long. Don't
feel like a fool for standing up for yourself. This is a skill that will
stand you in good stead later on.
Soooooo... tell us a little more so we can have fun picking apart your
situation. (you know, new stepparent, we all smell the blood in the
water and begin circling with our advice.) :D Seriously, how about a
nice long post telling us the pertinent things about your situation. If
they're still friendly enough to call each other mommy and daddy, it
could mean one of two things. Either neither one of them (or one of them)
isn't ready to let go yet, or they're one of the couples who have hon-
estly decided to put everything they feel aside for the sake of their
child. But, the latter comes with its own little set of complications and
troubles. Because, that's the situation where you're *most* likely to
end up feeling like a third wheel, and if that bothers you now it'll
bother you more when you're married. So far, what is your role in parenting
the little girl, vs. what do you want it to be? Are you looking for more
of a role than they seem to want you to have? Is the child respectful to
you and happy with your presence? Because, if she is and everything is okay
with the *situation*, sometimes you're better off just backing off and letting
the two of them get on with the business of parenting, bringing up your con-
cerns as they arise to your DH and letting him and his ex deal with them as
they see fit.
It's a hard road, don't get me wrong. But it can be very rewarding. Just make
sure everybody's on the same page going in.
Anne
TYounger
Lord knows this is true. I'm in one of those relationships where *most*
everything is put aside for the well being of the child. Being here - in
the newsgroup - really gives me perspective though, about how much
*worse* things could have been, I was just lucky that when I jumped in
headfirst without looking, the pool actually had water in it... Some
folks aren't so lucky.
Do tell us about you. We love to have new contributors :)
Tamara
> Anne Robotti said...
Marlene
> jane lawrence <jan...@excite.com> wrote:
> Jem1472 wrote:
> > <snip> Am I being way too sensitive?
>
> Too sensitive? Nah. He's lucky you didn't vomit all over the
> rug.
>
> jane
Oh Jane, you and I are on the same page on this one. My response to them
calling each other "mommy and daddy" would've been "Ewwwwwww"
My ex and his SO call each other "nanna" and "pappy" (or something close
to that) because his SO has a son who has made her a grandma. I'm just
glad I don't have to hear it.
Marlene
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Before you buy.
Sandra Brackeen
once our marriage was over...I think your right in feeling the way you do
and POOH on how anyone else thinks Its your life to live is it
not????anyway how did she know You had a problem with it anyway???did he
tell her????not cool if you want my opinion he should have just stopped
calling her mommy and she'd have figured it out after awhile//.....now you
have this exwife thinking your insecure....which you are not and dont think
you are........just ignore her little comments that she makes shes doing it
to irritate you.......and this too shall pass................good luck
Jem1472 <jem...@aol.com> wrote in article
<19991004042808...@ng-bk1.aol.com>...
each
> other mommy and daddy when the kids arent around, and that most
importantly, it
> makes me feel like a big third wheel in this whole situation. He said he
> understood, apologized and said it would stop. I asked him not to tell
her I
> feel this way, only because I really didnt feel it was my place to say
so, its
> like its their family and Im something separate. When he started calling
her by
> name it was all to obvious and she followed suit (I gathered from
answering
> machine messages).Well, an already long story shortened: The first time
his ex
> and I met in person (they live 8 hrs away, visits are bi-monthly and full
> summer) she called him daddy and then said to me "oh, Im sorry, I know
that
> really gets to you". They both still slip and say it and I feel foolish
for
> ever bringing it up, I just break inside when I hear his ex wife saying
"hi
> daddy, its me mommy' on the answering machine. Am I being way too
sensitive?
Dana
jane lawrence <jan...@excite.com> wrote in message
news:37F812BB...@excite.com...
> Jem1472 wrote:
> >
> > Hi:
> > I just found this group and wanted to write to say Im glad to know it
exists!!
<snip>
> Boy are you in the right place.
>
> > <snip> Am I being way too sensitive?
>
> Too sensitive? Nah. He's lucky you didn't vomit all over the
> rug.
>
> jane
It makes me want to vomit just reading it! I don't know how you kept it
together!
Dana
--
Where is yonder anyway?
Merrie
We just recently (9/21/99) had a thread called "Sticky situation..."
that was about someone's SO inadvertently calling his ex "sweetie". There
were about 50 responses, so you'll have to look it up for yourself. It
seemed many people confessed to slipping up.
The more important thing is how your SO reacted to your issue. He
seemed to do the right thing for you.
Merrie
Jem1472 <jem...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:19991004042808...@ng-bk1.aol.com...
> Hi:
> I just found this group and wanted to write to say Im glad to know it
exists!!
> daddy, its me mommy' on the answering machine. Am I being way too
sensitive?
Jennaii
private...
>He said he
>understood, apologized and said it would stop. I asked him not to tell her I
>feel this way, only because I really didnt feel it was my place to say so,
>its
>like its their family and Im something separate. When he started calling her
>by
>name it was all to obvious and she followed suit (I gathered from answering
>machine messages).Well, an already long story shortened: The first time his
>ex
>and I met in person (they live 8 hrs away, visits are bi-monthly and full
>summer) she called him daddy and then said to me "oh, Im sorry, I know that
>really gets to you". They both still slip and say it and I feel foolish for
>ever bringing it up, I just break inside when I hear his ex wife saying "hi
>daddy, its me mommy' on the answering machine. Am I being way too sensitive?
>This is the only thing Ive asked of him in regards to his ex wife and
>daughter.
>I know Ill be dealing with these things for a long time to come and need to
>know that its possible to handle -
Jennaii