Charing Cross
Amanda Angelika
Well I think I'll need a bit of luck since they told me to give up smoking or they
wouldn't give me hormones. I did try to give up, I got some herbal tobacco and tried
to wean myself off the addiction. But although I was doing quite well for a while cut
my intake of actual nicotine laden Vanilla and Rum flavour tobacco from about 2 and a
half ounces smoked in hand rolled filtered roll-ups to about half an ounce mixed with
a lot of herbal tobacco. I can honestly say this doesn't work LOL I seem to be
smoking more than ever now like about 2 ounces of tobacco and about 4 ounces of
herbal muck (dried moss) LOL.
So if the National Health are too afraid to offer me treatment in case it might kill
me I dare say I may need some reliable alternative sources for hormones so I can kill
myself and relieve the National Health from any responsibility for my death.
Course I suppose putting that statement in writing does rather place the ball back in
their court and show the flaw in the policy of refusing treatment on the basis of
smoking, which is not as yet an illegal drug.
--
Amanda
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
AMaÑda AÑge1iKa ßerry
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Web Design Folio - (shameless plug)
----------------------------------------------------------
www.artberry.net or www.angelika.me.uk (own site)
www.cheapaschips.cc *NEW*(Roberts Emporium - Cardiff's finest Flea Market)
www.kink-club.com (Cardiff's Premier Fetish, BDSM and tranny party venue)
----------------------------------------------------------
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i-wa-musp
"Amanda Angelika" wrote ...
>
> Wish me luck I'm going to Charing Cross on Monday :)
>
Well lets hope the F*&%"rs get your appointment right [1] :)
oh and yeah.... good luck an all that :-)
<snip a bit>
>
> So if the National Health are too afraid to offer me treatment in case it
might kill
> me I dare say I may need some reliable alternative sources for hormones so
I can kill
> myself and relieve the National Health from any responsibility for my
death.
>
> Course I suppose putting that statement in writing does rather place the
ball back in
> their court and show the flaw in the policy of refusing treatment on the
basis of
> smoking, which is not as yet an illegal drug.
>
hmmmmm...
Do I detect a touch of what we brits (and Fuckbrits for that matter LOL)
would term as Bolshiness? Tsk Tsk, this will never do ;)
Heres hoping that the failed attempt to give up the wicked weed will not
impact too strongly... (as an aside, have you read what the Fascists at the
Lancet are seriously proposing?... total abolition !!! as in smoking should
be made illegal !!! LOLOLOL..... )
Seriously... hoping all goes well.... <Fingers Crossed> let us all know
woncha?
i-w-m (aka JD in a previous incarnation)
[1] When will the NHS get the idea that their days as acting as gatekeepers
are *Rapidly* drawing to a close... as in 'anyone' with the cash and the
motivation can get letters etc and hop on a plane to warmer climes for that
which they seek.... and the days of treating patients at gender clinics as
idiots (supposedly to test resolve and determination) are increasingly seen
as both bad practice (medically) and downright bloody rude.....
ooops sorry ... hit the rant button by mistake....
PS... are you ever going to share your 'Shiny New Name' with us?.... been
waiting to hear for such a long time now.... go on, whisper it... promise I
wont tell :-)
Amanda Angelika
news:bqq24t$25t7hp$1...@ID-28537.news.uni-berlin.de
and didst say:
| "Amanda Angelika" wrote ...
||
|| Wish me luck I'm going to Charing Cross on Monday :)
||
|
| Well lets hope the F*&%"rs get your appointment right [1] :)
|
| oh and yeah.... good luck an all that :-)
|
|
| <snip a bit>
||
|| So if the National Health are too afraid to offer me treatment in
|| case it might kill me I dare say I may need some reliable
|| alternative sources for hormones so I can kill myself and relieve
|| the National Health from any responsibility for my death.
||
|| Course I suppose putting that statement in writing does rather place
|| the ball back in their court and show the flaw in the policy of
|| refusing treatment on the basis of smoking, which is not as yet an
|| illegal drug.
||
| hmmmmm...
|
| Do I detect a touch of what we brits (and Fuckbrits for that matter
| LOL) would term as Bolshiness? Tsk Tsk, this will never do ;)
LOL Well yeah but I could tell I was being patronised the last time I went ;) I think
the conversation went something like, "You can take us to Court if you want". To
which I replied "do you think it's worth it then?" He seemed a bit unnerved by that
reply LOL ;) BTW I seem to have inherited ASSrs, everyone else seems to have left I
feel like some sort of survivor ;)
| Heres hoping that the failed attempt to give up the wicked weed will
| not impact too strongly...
Well yes, I did point out that I probably needed a blood Test and some explaination
as to why I already have some breast development before they decide what sort of
treatment they should or shouldn't give me. I think on the first appointment they
play mind games a bit to work out if you are a full shilling. I suppose I must of
passed that test since they gave me another appoinment :)
(as an aside, have you read what the
| Fascists at the Lancet are seriously proposing?... total abolition
| !!! as in smoking should be made illegal !!! LOLOLOL..... )
Yes it was on the News today. Course as I've always maintained if the government was
seriously interested in the health issues they wouldn't use such issues as an excuse
to raise tax on tobacco. Of course if they were going to make it illegal it would
cost millions to the tax payer not only in lost revenue but because you can get free
nicotine patches on the NHS if you are on benefits and of course statistically
smoking is highest among the poorer members of society then it is among the middle
classes. Course the other aspect is crime would mushroom because suddenly there is a
whole society of Junkies hooked on an "illegal" drug and also a lot of what are at
present legitimate businesses would go down the pan.
| Seriously... hoping all goes well.... <Fingers Crossed> let us all
| know woncha?
Thanks. I hope so :) Mind I always enjoy the ride on the train :)
| i-w-m (aka JD in a previous incarnation)
Hi JD :)
| [1] When will the NHS get the idea that their days as acting as
| gatekeepers are *Rapidly* drawing to a close... as in 'anyone' with
| the cash and the motivation can get letters etc and hop on a plane to
| warmer climes for that which they seek.... and the days of treating
| patients at gender clinics as idiots (supposedly to test resolve and
| determination) are increasingly seen as both bad practice (medically)
| and downright bloody rude.....
|
| ooops sorry ... hit the rant button by mistake....
Well I suppose it makes some sense insofar it helps one to consider what one really
wants. I suppose the trouble with the NHS it's easy to get on the train and just
follow things through. Wherase if you go private the fact it'll cost an arm and a leg
does at least show that one is commited to a course of action. I suppose in way they
would rather people went private, well it saves money and there is no liabilty to the
NHS for mistakes.
| PS... are you ever going to share your 'Shiny New Name' with us?....
| been waiting to hear for such a long time now.... go on, whisper
| it... promise I wont tell :-)
Ah well there is a way of finding this out. And I'm sure the net sleuths have worked
this out already, basically if you go to www.tinyurl.com/q5hx it'll take you to some
paintings I have up for sale on Ebay UK, these listings will give you my initials,
but if you click on any of the thumb nails it will give you the listing page with the
artists full name. I always whisper loudly ;)
Paula
I managed to give up for about 3 months using these, they're alot more user
firendly than patches and you can get them on prescription (the nurse who
gave me the prescription said to me "as you have to pay for your
prescritions, I'll give you two months worth).I am smoking again now though
but plan to give up in the new year as I still have a stack of the lozenges
which have a BBE date of may 2004.
I'm not sure, but I think that the reason you were asked to give up smoking
is because the hormones would be less effective while smoking, rather than
pose any risk to your health (please correct me if I am wrong).
Good luck with your appointment and I hope everything goes how you want it
to.
Paula
"Amanda Angelika" <manic...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:bqq779$25or2i$1...@ID-172934.news.uni-berlin.de...
Rachelle.Moore
Dec 2003 12:16:10 -0000 did post or cause to be posted in
soc.support.transgendered
<bqpsoq$23qg6q$1...@ID-172934.news.uni-berlin.de>:
>Wish me luck I'm going to Charing Cross on Monday :)
Good luck! You'll do fine. They're there to help, and you're there
to be helped.
>Well I think I'll need a bit of luck since they told me to give up smoking or they
>wouldn't give me hormones. I did try to give up, I got some herbal tobacco and tried
>to wean myself off the addiction. But although I was doing quite well for a while cut
>my intake of actual nicotine laden Vanilla and Rum flavour tobacco from about 2 and a
>half ounces smoked in hand rolled filtered roll-ups to about half an ounce mixed with
>a lot of herbal tobacco. I can honestly say this doesn't work LOL I seem to be
>smoking more than ever now like about 2 ounces of tobacco and about 4 ounces of
>herbal muck (dried moss) LOL.
>
>So if the National Health are too afraid to offer me treatment in case it might kill
>me I dare say I may need some reliable alternative sources for hormones so I can kill
>myself and relieve the National Health from any responsibility for my death.
>
>Course I suppose putting that statement in writing does rather place the ball back in
>their court and show the flaw in the policy of refusing treatment on the basis of
>smoking, which is not as yet an illegal drug.
I gave up smoking twice, the first time for nine years. At that time
a workplace no-smoking policy was going into effect, and this tipped
me over, motivation-wise, into actually desiring to stop. Also at
that time, the company I worked for offered a subsidized cessation
program (called "Smokestoppers"). That was an excellent program,
because it offered a range of strategies and a smorgasbord of
information designed to make it easier to stope and stay stopped.
There was aversion therapy (just a bit: sniffing the "butt-bottle" and
"pinkie-puffing"... ah, the memories. :) There was
propaganda/horror-show pictures. There was cognitive behavioral
therapy (which in retrospect happened to be the part that benefited me
the most). And there were simple rules of thumb and mechanical
strategies, which were also quite helpful for me.
I started again when I started school, and stopped after a few months
when I started coughing horribly ("smoker's cough," a very dry, deep
cough that's uncontrollable and goes on for several minutes). For the
first time in my life I took up smokeless/"chewing" tobacco, and for a
few years I did both, off and on. But whenever I started smoking, the
"smoker's cough" would come on after a shorter and shorter period.
The last time I smoked, it was only a few weeks before I had to stop.
(I'm pretty sure, or at least I hope, that in my case the cough is
psychogenic: Body's way of saying, "please, please, don't do this to
me!"
So for about three years now I haven't had a cigarette. The
occasional rectal tobacco suppository is all I really need (joking!:)
I go off the chewing tobacco for up to 48 hours out a time; it's a
*trip,* because I get so spacy. Time seems to infinitely prolong
itself, and I'll tend to veg into a nap-like state at the drop of a
hat.
The most useful things to know are (1) craving is proportional to the
speed that nicotine is metabolized out of the body (the more slowly,
the less craving, which takes one to three days, depending on what you
eat) and (2) the cravings, when they come, only last for a few seconds
(less than 30 seconds).
But, really, one has to look at external motivators, too. In both
cases (I realize now) I had strong enough motivators to tip me over
into Stopping forever: not being able to have an ashtray with one or
two cigarettes always going in it at work (or three if it was a busy
day:), and feeling like I might cough my lungs up during a coughing
spasm.
And I have to mention: the last two or three times I smoked, from the
first puff I was aware of an unpleasant sensation: a tiny muzziness or
cloudiness of visual and aureal perception, like a slight grey mist
and a bit of cotton in my ears. And I think of that in terms of the
carbon monoxide content of smoke, which displaces oxygen in hemoglobin
and begins to starve the brain of oxygen.
-
Rachelle
Nagai
Amanda Angelika
news:bqq9r8$p0i$1...@news8.svr.pol.co.uk
and didst say:
| have you tried nicotine lozenges?
| I managed to give up for about 3 months using these, they're alot
| more user firendly than patches and you can get them on prescription
| (the nurse who gave me the prescription said to me "as you have to
| pay for your prescritions, I'll give you two months worth).I am
| smoking again now though but plan to give up in the new year as I
| still have a stack of the lozenges which have a BBE date of may 2004.
That is a good idea actually I didn't know one could get Lozenges, they would
probably be better. I was going to get some patches, but I seemed to do so well in
cutting down at the beginning that I thought it probably wouldn't work since I got
down to half an ounce of tobaco in a week although I was mixing it with herbal tobaco
but this is probably less nicotine than 20 cigarettes a week, which is a bit low for
even the weaker patches I would have thought?, And of course patches tend to give a
constant dose of Nicotine wherease cigarettes give you a hit, so Lozenges would
perhaps approximate that a bit better
One problem I have found is painting ie doing art. I started doing a load of pictures
to sell on E-bay and I notice that the state of contemplation I seem to get into is
like a sort of perpetual "Condor moment" which makes it almost impossible not to
smoke and I don't think it is just the nicotine it is the act of smoking which seems
to be part of the creative process for me, I just have to have a cigarette in one
hand and a paintbrush in the other; my smoking increased again. So it seems to me the
only way I could give up smoking is by not painting. But that would be silly bacause
Painting can be quite profitable sometimes :) So maybe the Lozenges wouldn't be a bad
idea they might help keep the cigarettes down and they do have the advantage of
providing some oral gratification without chewing my paintbrush handles ;)
The trouble is I don't really want to give up LOL
| I'm not sure, but I think that the reason you were asked to give up
| smoking is because the hormones would be less effective while
| smoking, rather than pose any risk to your health (please correct me
| if I am wrong).
Well it doesn't do the complexion any good either so they say. Though saying that
although I'm nearly 45 people still seem to think I'm 10 years younger so it hasn't
really affected me yet (unless they are trying to flatter me <g>). But Hormones do
alter the skin I believe and women are perhaps more suseptibe to effects of smoking
on the complexion than guys. But then I have heard people say that Hormones can
improve the complexion. So I suppose if I did give up maybe I would end up looking 16
again LOL ;)
| Good luck with your appointment and I hope everything goes how you
| want it to.
Yes thanks I sometimes feel a bit usure about what I really want, and wish I could be
a bit more certain. In the beginning SRS seemed quite important, but when you realise
it is possible to live as a woman without it, things don't seem so imperative. The
other thing I find when I paint I seem able to go to a place in my head where it
doesn't matter what gender or sex I am and it does seem to provide a kind of escape
route. But that would be OK if I could make a living from it, so there is no getting
away from it really I need some therapy and treatment of some sort.
Amanda Angelika
news:sz4Ab.51$6d7...@news-binary.blueyonder.co.uk
and didst say:
| And fantastic artwork too!
Oh thanks <blushes> :)
Amanda Angelika
news:6MLQPxyijTiqaQ...@4ax.com
and didst say:
| Being "Amanda Angelika" <manic...@hotmail.com> on or about Fri, 5
| Dec 2003 12:16:10 -0000 did post or cause to be posted in
| soc.support.transgendered
| <bqpsoq$23qg6q$1...@ID-172934.news.uni-berlin.de>:
|
|| Wish me luck I'm going to Charing Cross on Monday :)
|
| Good luck! You'll do fine. They're there to help, and you're there
| to be helped.
Thanks Rachelle, that's probably the best way to look at it really :)
That does seem pretty useful
| I started again when I started school, and stopped after a few months
| when I started coughing horribly ("smoker's cough," a very dry, deep
| cough that's uncontrollable and goes on for several minutes). For the
| first time in my life I took up smokeless/"chewing" tobacco, and for a
| few years I did both, off and on. But whenever I started smoking, the
| "smoker's cough" would come on after a shorter and shorter period.
| The last time I smoked, it was only a few weeks before I had to stop.
| (I'm pretty sure, or at least I hope, that in my case the cough is
| psychogenic: Body's way of saying, "please, please, don't do this to
| me!"
I do cough a bit but not usually very deep, but do get a bit of a croopy sounding
cough when I have a heavy cold sometimes which is a bit worrying
| So for about three years now I haven't had a cigarette.
That's very good :)
| The
| occasional rectal tobacco suppository is all I really need (joking!:)
LOL ;)
| I go off the chewing tobacco for up to 48 hours out a time; it's a
| *trip,* because I get so spacy. Time seems to infinitely prolong
| itself, and I'll tend to veg into a nap-like state at the drop of a
| hat.
Yes some safer way of getting a nicotine buzz is probably a good thing trouble with
smoking herbal tobacco is there is probably just as much carbon dioxide in them if
not more and you don't get the nicotine.
| The most useful things to know are (1) craving is proportional to the
| speed that nicotine is metabolized out of the body (the more slowly,
| the less craving, which takes one to three days, depending on what you
| eat) and (2) the cravings, when they come, only last for a few seconds
| (less than 30 seconds).
Well I just found tobacco suddenly seemed like the most beautiful substance in the
world and I just had to have a proper cigarette, then another, then another,
then...etc
|
| But, really, one has to look at external motivators, too. In both
| cases (I realize now) I had strong enough motivators to tip me over
| into Stopping forever: not being able to have an ashtray with one or
| two cigarettes always going in it at work (or three if it was a busy
| day:), and feeling like I might cough my lungs up during a coughing
| spasm.
Yes I find working in or being in a place where smoking is not allowed does help and
it has helped me to cut down in the past. But of course when I'm painting it's
usually in my own space.
| And I have to mention: the last two or three times I smoked, from the
| first puff I was aware of an unpleasant sensation: a tiny muzziness or
| cloudiness of visual and aureal perception, like a slight grey mist
| and a bit of cotton in my ears. And I think of that in terms of the
| carbon monoxide content of smoke, which displaces oxygen in hemoglobin
| and begins to starve the brain of oxygen.
I sometimes wonder why on earth I took it up. I know when I was in my teens I used to
belong to this church and they used to have summer camps and "youth weekends"
meetings that went on over a few days and you stayed with people all over the
country. Course being in church for a few days it was difficult to grab a cigarette
and I remember getting home one night after a fairly long ride back from somewhere
and lit up and it made me feel really ill. I was seeing stars and almost blacking
out, and went nausious and nearly threw up. It was a bit like a scene from the
excorsist LOL. Cause I should have given up then, but obviously I never learn. I went
to art college after that and it was seen as cool to smoke American cigarettes
Camels, Winson or Marlboro or even French Cigarettes like Gouloises or Gitanes. I
still smoke quite aromatic tobaccos now, Vanilla flavour in fact :) Maybe Premarin
Cigarettes would be the answer they'd certainly be aromatic LOL ;)
Nagai
> Behold Nagai at <martyn...@yahoo.com> Spake unto us in news scroll
> news:sz4Ab.51$6d7...@news-binary.blueyonder.co.uk
> and didst say:
> | And fantastic artwork too!
>
> Oh thanks <blushes> :)
>
> --
> Amanda
Seriously though, I am very tempted by some of your paintings, but as I am
saving up for a house, (back with parents at the mo ;o( I realise that I
could spend more money on things to put in there, rather than save to
actually buy the house!
I wish I had a talent like that. Don't waste it!
Amanda Angelika
and didst say:
Yes this is the trouble and of course the more stuff you buy the bigger the house
you'll need to put it all in ;)
| I wish I had a talent like that. Don't waste it!
Thanks :) Well since I discovered Ebay I might be able to do more with it. It
certainly possible to sell. Though it's not always easy to get as much as one would
necessarily like but there are other online galleries to so I think there are more
opportunities to make a living even as a relatively unknown artist these days.
Mind I do know one guy, one of my ex tutors actually, who gets about 15k for his
paintings it's a bit of a contrast with my 14.99 on Ebay ;) But ya never know I might
get there one day :)
Mind in saying that I have sold large detailed works for 1500 ukp in the past and
even exhibited at the Royal Academy Summer Exhibition once, (mind that is difficult
because I had a different name at the time ;)
Mind I can sell the ones on Ebay cheap because they are fairly small and the
overheads of putting things on ebay are very reasonable, well the turn over is fast
and you don't need to frame anything and the only transport cost is the walk to the
post office. With real galleries of course they also charge 50 0r 60% commission so
when they say paintings are availible for a fraction of their gallery price they are
right really it's true you really can sell art for much lower prices on Ebay even as
low as 1/10 of the gallery price which I think it's really good, it makes art far
less elitist and it's fun dealing more directly with the public. Mmm maybe I should
write a book about it ;) LOL
--
Amanda
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
AMaÑda AÑge1iKa ßerry
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Web Design Folio - (shameless plug)
----------------------------------------------------------
www.artberry.net or www.angelika.me.uk (own site)
www.cheapaschips.cc *NEW*(Roberts Emporium - Cardiff's finest Flea
Market) www.kink-club.com (Cardiff's Premier Fetish, BDSM and tranny
party venue)
----------------------------------------------------------
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Jennifer Usher
"Paula" <ma...@NOSPAMtvpaula.fsnet.co.uk> wrote in message
news:bqq9r8$p0i$1...@news8.svr.pol.co.uk...
> I'm not sure, but I think that the reason you were asked to give up
smoking
> is because the hormones would be less effective while smoking, rather than
> pose any risk to your health (please correct me if I am wrong).
Sorry, but you are wrong. One of the side effects of estrogen is an
increase in clotting factors. One of the side effects of smoking is
vasoconstriction. Now, if the veins and arteries are constricted, and the
blood is more likely to clot, then there is a significant increase in the
chances of stroke or heart attack...especially if there is any
atheroschlerosis present.
Put in simple terms, smoke while taking estrogen, and you greatly increase
the chances of dying from a heart attack or a stroke.
--
Jennifer Usher
Jennifer Usher
> Well I think I'll need a bit of luck since they told me to give up smoking
or they
> wouldn't give me hormones. I did try to give up, I got some herbal tobacco
and tried
> to wean myself off the addiction. But although I was doing quite well for
a while cut
> my intake of actual nicotine laden Vanilla and Rum flavour tobacco from
about 2 and a
> half ounces smoked in hand rolled filtered roll-ups to about half an ounce
mixed with
> a lot of herbal tobacco. I can honestly say this doesn't work LOL I seem
to be
> smoking more than ever now like about 2 ounces of tobacco and about 4
ounces of
> herbal muck (dried moss) LOL.
A tip on stopping smoking. The physical withdrawl only lasts about 48 to 72
hours. After that, it is all mental. Make it through three days, and you
can beat it completely.
--
Jennifer Usher
Amanda Angelika
news:fwNAb.3167$_r6....@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net
and didst say:
Thanks Jen. Yes I think the totally stopping method is possible the only way. Mind I
suppose you really have to *want* to give up and that has to be a personal commitment
and decision in order to succeed. The trouble with the Charring Cross "we wont give
you hormones unless you give up" method is, it's more likely to make a person lie
through their back teeth ;) It seems a shame they try to play mind games like that
because one would rather have a clear picture and make informed choices for oneself
as an adult, and be able to be totally honest with ones therapist than be treated
like some sort of child or mental incompetent. Their attitude is quite insulting
really. No wonder people call the psychiatrists block heads sometimes it is quite
amazing, although I refuse to believe they are really *that* bad, but I suppose it
does explain why some people have an aversion to shrinks of one sort another LOL
--
Amanda
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
AMaÑda AÑge1iKa ßerry
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Web Design Folio - (shameless plug)
----------------------------------------------------------
www.artberry.net or www.angelika.me.uk (own site)
www.cheapaschips.cc *NEW*(Roberts Emporium - Cardiff's finest Flea
Market) www.kink-club.com (Cardiff's Premier Fetish, BDSM and tranny
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ju...@nomail.com
>| A tip on stopping smoking. The physical withdrawl only lasts about
>| 48 to 72 hours. After that, it is all mental. Make it through three
>| days, and you can beat it completely.
Just so. It's also the habit thing - what to do with your hands when
they're not holding a cigarette. Just a thought - Christmas and the
New Year with all those parties is just about the worst time to stop.
Leaving it until after, say, the middle of January when life is back
to normal, may be easier.
Another thing is about language and the thought process. Using
expressions like "giving up" suggests unwilling deprivation and that
doesn't help at all 'cos you're always thinking "can't" rather than
"don't want to". It has to be a positive choice and not a "got to" to
put you in the right frame of mind, in fact just as Amanda expressed
it -
>and that has to be a personal commitment and decision in order to succeed.
And a third point ...... Like many others, I've stopped quite a few
times. Normally, one says after a while "I've done it" or something
similar which then leads to the slippery slope of "I can have just one
and it will be ok".
This last time for me I've taken what I believe to be the AA approach.
I truly believe that if I have just one then I'll be hooked again and
I'll be straight back on the stuff as though I've never been away from
it. So I haven't definitely left it behind me but I also haven't had
one for about 20 years.
>The trouble with the Charring Cross "we wont give you hormones unless you give up"
It's interesting that, to the best of my knowledge, the only two
places who think this way are CX and Wylie at Sheffield. It has been
suggested by many that it's actually nothing more than little men
getting us to jump through hoops in order to satisfy their little
power kick.
Other parts of the NHS don't require this and there are literally
millions of women on HRT or the Pill who may be invited to leave
smoking behind them but it's certainly not a quid pro quo. Difficult
to justify their thinking, one would imagine.
However, I guess that if you want the hormones, it's them or the
private route which isn't always available. But I do wish they were
on our side or just a little more even handed.
Julia
Amanda Angelika
news:3fd4617a...@news.ision.net.uk
and didst say:
Well I must admit this time it wasn't quite so heavy. They are talking more in terms
of "cutting it down".
I think at the end of the day this is more to do with forcing me to consider the
issues of whether I want to go on hormones at all, and I suppose it is certainly
achieving this end. ( this is probably not the place to disguss those personal issues
really) But it seems apart from denial of hormones that CX don't use hormones as a
diagnostic tool.
However that said they will be giving me appoinments every few months and so I am
told by most people they play simular sorts of games with everyone at the beginning,
and a lot of people do get homones at some point. So the good thing is I am getting
therapy for this and I dare say I will get hormones out of them eventually :)
ju...@nomail.com
>Well I must admit this time it wasn't quite so heavy. They are talking more in terms
>of "cutting it down".
Less moral blackmail sounds good. If you want not to smoke then you
won't. But seriously, have you even known anyone to cut down for more
than a week or two? I don't think I have.
>I think at the end of the day this is more to do with forcing me to consider the
>issues of whether I want to go on hormones at all, and I suppose it is certainly
>achieving this end. ( this is probably not the place to disguss those personal issues
>really) But it seems apart from denial of hormones that CX don't use hormones as a
>diagnostic tool.
I don't see why it shouldn't be discussed here, unless you consider it
to be such a private thing or with associations that are no one else's
business and I guess we'd all respect that view.
As for whether you want to go on hormones or not, this must be
difficult. I started after a long period of therapy in which I came
to terms with my situation and so "I knew" ........ or should that
really be "I thought I knew"? But once on them, then I did know
almost immediately and it's stayed that way ever since.
Most of the people I know who've started on them have stayed the
course. There is one who didn't but, after her, I think I run out of
names. It is said that a very large proportion of those who start do
stop simply because of the effect on their sex life - something they
regard as an undesirable side effect - and if that's the case, then so
be it. Personally, once quiescent, any subsequent stirring of the
male processes would have been too awful to contemplate and it would
feel as though my body was letting me down.
I can look back and think that if this cup could have been taken from
me, then that would have been the better solution. That it couldn't
means I'm following the best road available to me and I can not now
imagine a male existence, whether for a minute, an hour or a life
time.
But I was interested in your last comment above that seems to suggest
denial of hormones can be diagnostic too - I'd never thought of it
like that before.
>I dare say I will get hormones out of them eventually :)
If they're right for you, then you'll just not give up and you'll get
them eventually.
Best wishes for your journey
Julia
Amanda Angelika
and didst say:
| After her visit to CX, Amanda commented
|
|| Well I must admit this time it wasn't quite so heavy. They are
|| talking more in terms of "cutting it down".
|
| Less moral blackmail sounds good. If you want not to smoke then you
| won't. But seriously, have you even known anyone to cut down for more
| than a week or two? I don't think I have.
Yes I know what you mean, I know people who have stopped for years, but sometimes you
find even people who have stopped will occassionally lapse for a period, if under
stress. One thing I do find since I started mixing it with Herbal tobacco is that I
rarely smoke a roll up that is all pure tobaco, I seem to find thats too strong now,
so I have cut down my intake of Nicotine although I probably smoke just as many. I
also find if I go out visiting friends, particularly if they don't smoke themselves I
can disipline myself not to smoke for and hour or two and prefer not to really. I
think I'm much less addicted to actual nicotine than I was, but the act of smoking is
definitly something I still enjoy and find difficult to give up. Mind I used to enjoy
biting my nails and that was a bad habit, but when I wanted to have nice long painted
nails I stopped chewing them away to nothing; practically over night. So habits can
be stopped, but having another better habit to take their place usually helps :)
|
|| I think at the end of the day this is more to do with forcing me to
|| consider the issues of whether I want to go on hormones at all, and
|| I suppose it is certainly achieving this end. ( this is probably not
|| the place to disguss those personal issues really) But it seems
|| apart from denial of hormones that CX don't use hormones as a
|| diagnostic tool.
|
| I don't see why it shouldn't be discussed here, unless you consider it
| to be such a private thing or with associations that are no one else's
| business and I guess we'd all respect that view.
Well I think everyone does what they feel is right for themselves and there are
issues in my head about whether I want to be non-op or post-op. How credible I feel
as a woman, and how credible and real I want to be or feel it is possible to be.
Course such issues are discussed here all the time, but I'm not one to evangelise
really and I certainly haven't come to any fixed decision about things and even when
and if I do. I think I would rather get on with my life as the person and type of
woman I am rather than argue the issues on Newsgroups.
I think the bottom line is whatever one does, one can never really be the woman that
one perhaps should have been and one has to make the best of what one has and/or what
is possible to alter, and make the decisions that one feels are right for oneself and
find a happy place where the torment of obsessive disatisfaction which seems to be
ones lot as a gender dysphoric individual (maybe that is a woman's lot in anycase).
Of course this sort of status stuff that goes on, on Usenet about individual choices;
what is right, and what is wrong, who and/or what is real and who/what is fantasy is
the smoke of the fire of that personal dysphoria/disatisfation I suppose it is sad
that some people never really seem to find a cure. Maybe as Leonard Cohen says "there
aint no cure" LOL
| As for whether you want to go on hormones or not, this must be
| difficult. I started after a long period of therapy in which I came
| to terms with my situation and so "I knew" ........ or should that
| really be "I thought I knew"? But once on them, then I did know
| almost immediately and it's stayed that way ever since.
I want to really. I suppose I'm just a bit scared of the unknown. I'm being a big
sissy about it LOL The other thing is I suppose I'm still throwing a bit of a huff
about the smoking issue. "Take them away! I don't want them" I'll smoke 200 a day
instead and give me all your Nicotine patches and lozenges now! LOL ;)
| Most of the people I know who've started on them have stayed the
| course. There is one who didn't but, after her, I think I run out of
| names. It is said that a very large proportion of those who start do
| stop simply because of the effect on their sex life - something they
| regard as an undesirable side effect - and if that's the case, then so
| be it. Personally, once quiescent, any subsequent stirring of the
| male processes would have been too awful to contemplate and it would
| feel as though my body was letting me down.
I suppose one issue that bothers me is the fact that eventually one becomes reliant
on HRT i.e on tablets for ones continued health, because one ends up damaging and
eventually if you have surgery, getting rid of (destroying) the organs that enable
one's body to function naturally and unaided. I think this issue is the sticking
point for me. Yes I want to be a woman, but I wish I already was one :)
I suppose talking about already being a woman though. In a sense apart from my
natural hair which is pretty poor (which isn't something that hormones can really
save at this late point unfortunately) physically I don't seem to have serious
problems in terms of being seen as a woman I don't have a *desparate* need to
feminise myself to appear female. I already have some physical attributes that are
more conventionally "female" than "male", I suppose in a way even if there are no
genetic reasons (I'm still awaiting blood test results on that) I have enough
physical anomallies to almost consider myself a psedo hermaphrodite.
But obviously in the light of the first point this just makes the decision more
difficult, because it isn't difficult for me to be a woman up till now it has come
almost naturally in many ways.
| I can look back and think that if this cup could have been taken from
| me, then that would have been the better solution. That it couldn't
| means I'm following the best road available to me and I can not now
| imagine a male existence, whether for a minute, an hour or a life
| time.
Well yes there is that. I certainly can't imagine going back to living as a guy. In
many ways I never did entirely "pass" I seem to have been seen as "gay" or as
"transgender" all my life and that had nothing to do with crossdressing or my
sexuality but all the other factors of just being more like a girl than a boy. I'm a
lot happier living as a woman, I feel like I'm coming home, but I think I'll always
be a little odd :)
| But I was interested in your last comment above that seems to suggest
| denial of hormones can be diagnostic too - I'd never thought of it
| like that before.
Well there has to be some advantages in Smoking I suppose LOL
|| I dare say I will get hormones out of them eventually :)
|
| If they're right for you, then you'll just not give up and you'll get
| them eventually.
Yes I think so. I think the thing is to live a day at a time and not try to take on
the whole issue and implications of being transsexual in one go. The other thing in
regard to hormones of course is although there are issues involved, they should bring
positive advantages into my life even if one does eventually become reliant on them.
This can't really be said about smoking you become reliant or addicted to cigarettes
and most possibly *all* of the effects of smoking are ultimately bad, well they sort
of kill you really. Oh well we all got a go one day suppose ;)
| Best wishes for your journey
Thanks :)
ju...@nomail.com
Note - I really enjoyed your post. So expressive and aware. Thank
you for the trouble you took in expressing yourself.
>I also find if I go out visiting friends, particularly if they don't smoke themselves I
>can disipline myself not to smoke for and hour or two and prefer not to really.
My friend Cheryl, who's a moderate to heavy smoker, has no trouble in
not smoking when she visits me for an evening but then a) we never
stop talking and b) if I've made one, which I always have, she's
always eating shortbread. I wonder which is worse for her?
> the act of smoking is definitly something I still enjoy
And there really is the rub. If only it were not so for you. Perhaps
that might be something to explore - where is the enjoyment?
I recall lighting the last one for me, not knowing it was the last
one, and suffering the most awful racking coughing fit. I threw it
out of the car window (yes, bad girl!) with the thought "there must be
better ways of killing yourself". I think that thought was motivation
enough and, as the last one I had was not at all enjoyable, it
probably made choosing to stop a lot easier.
>Well I think everyone does what they feel is right for themselves and there are
>issues in my head about whether I want to be non-op or post-op.
>...... and I certainly haven't come to any fixed decision about things and even when
>and if I do.
I wonder if even thinking of that decision might be premature until
after a period on hormones. Once you've experienced them and know
whether they are or are not for you, don't you think that would have a
very powerful influence on the choice that you make.
I'd not even try to think about the "what ifs" until you've tasted the
fruit 'cos what ever you think now is likely to alter after the event,
depending on whether it tastes like a strawberry or a lemon to you.
I recall after a period on the hormones and knowing they were for me,
that I was thinking about the difference between living under a
testosterone based regime as I had and under a oestrogen based regime
as I then was. The difference was so great that I wanted to store the
"man" feelings somewhere so I could remember where I'd come from. A
few days later I woke up knowing that the knowledge of how it felt to
be under testosterone had left me and that I never needed to know it
again because I knew where I belonged - I think of that as the
beginning of the rest of my life.
>one can never really be the woman that one perhaps should have
>been and one has to make the best of what one has
Oh, wise lady. I hear TS people bandying the word "woman" about and I
think how inappropriate. I am, to use the full expression, a male to
female transsexual - I wish I was all female, even all male
(perhaps!), but I'm not. But you'll find yourself in a very small
minority holding that view and one does perhaps need to think
carefully about the definition of words like woman, female etc before
being too dogmatic.
>....... the torment of obsessive disatisfaction which seems to be
>ones lot as a gender dysphoric individual (maybe that is a woman's lot in anycase).
Just because (if) you feel it oppressively, need not mean it's
obsessive - there's a world of difference. For a start, one can be
healthy, the other is not.
It could just be a natural "let's get it on" reaction. I feel there's
a time that's given to us that I think of as the "in-between" time
when it's possible without too much discomfort to manipulate what one
does to suit the circumstances of the time. But once that in-between
time has been exhausted then the female element stamps her foot and
says "I've been waiting here for too long".
>Maybe as Leonard Cohen says "there aint no cure" LOL
Ah, feeling cheerful tonight, I see!
>I want to really. I suppose I'm just a bit scared of the unknown. I'm being a big
>sissy about it
Oh, no you're not. It really is life changing. If oestrogen is what
your brain has been crying out for all this time then that's a big
step. Trust yourself - you will know when it's time and you will
know, after a while, if it's right. All you have to do is listen to
your body - a skill you can acquire.
>I suppose one issue that bothers me is the fact that eventually one becomes reliant
>on HRT ....... and ... if you have surgery, getting rid of (destroying) the organs that enable
>one's body to function naturally
True and there's no absolutist answer. However, try this for size:
suppose for a moment you are TS, then you are a mixture already and
having spent your life up to now trying to adjust your brain to fit
your body, you may perhaps choose to modify your body to fit your
brain and see if the results are any more satisfactory.
We're not "normal" and what ever you choose, even the choice to do
nothing, is a compromise.
>In a sense apart from my natural hair which is pretty poor (which isn't
>something that hormones can really save at this late point unfortunately)
Don't forget that any form of anti-androgen (not available from CX as
I understand) will stop the production of 5 DHT and, over time,
restore your hair to where it was about 7-10 years before you start on
HRT. However, I wear a wig and I have a friend in your principality
who had hair transplants. There are solutions.
Incidentally, 1mg of Finasteride per day has the same effect as an
anti-androgen and may, just may, be available from CX or your GP. You
get the 5mg tablets and use a pill cutter.
>I'm a lot happier living as a woman, I feel like I'm coming home,
They're your words, no one else's!!! And do notice there's no
equivocation there unlike in many of your other observations.
It is also exactly how I feel.
>but I think I'll always be a little odd :)
And I can't imagine having this experience that's given to so few of
us and then not being "a little odd". Odd is merely different, not
less, not more. One of my expressions is "not better, not worse, just
different" and that has many applications.
>Yes I think so. I think the thing is to live a day at a time and not try to take on
>the whole issue and implications of being transsexual in one go.
Just so. Trust yourself. Listen to your body - it will tell you,
though I fear it will just be the still small voice which has to be
listened for with some care, else it gets drowned in the noise around
you.
>The other thing in regard to hormones of course is although there are issues involved,
>they should bring positive advantages into my life even if one does eventually
>become reliant on them.
The first positive advantage they will give you is certainty - am I or
am I not? It is said that a well known shrink in our field is of the
view that diagnozing a TS is impossible, confirming one is easy.
Thereafter I think of it this way - without a shred of proof, I might
add.
You've either got a female BSTc or not.
If you haven't, then oestrogen will simply lower your sex drive and
fail to engage with your psyche. This leads to the simple question
"what the hell am I doing here" and you find you're not TS and have a
different issue to address.
However, suppose you have got a female BSTc then (and this is the
supposition bit) without oestrogen you're just like a woman with
permanent PMS. Try the oestrogen and it engages with the female
receptors on your BSTc and your brain says "at last and about time
too" and you are at peace in the same way that a woman deals with PMS
or the menopause. Because it leaves you at peace, you can then move
forward with the rest of your life - but the price is that you're
hooked on the stuff.
In my thoughts
Julia
Amanda Angelika
and didst say:
| Amanda continued -
|
| Note - I really enjoyed your post. So expressive and aware. Thank
| you for the trouble you took in expressing yourself.
Thanks :) Well I did eventually feel able to talk about it. But it took me a day or
so to rationalise my thoughts about stuff.
|
|| I also find if I go out visiting friends, particularly if they don't
|| smoke themselves I can disipline myself not to smoke for and hour or
|| two and prefer not to really.
|
| My friend Cheryl, who's a moderate to heavy smoker, has no trouble in
| not smoking when she visits me for an evening but then a) we never
| stop talking and b) if I've made one, which I always have, she's
| always eating shortbread. I wonder which is worse for her?
LOL Yes eating something like chocolate as a substitute does have it's attractions,
but I have a tendence to put weight on quite easily unfortunately. And that would
probably be just as bad if not worse particularly since hormones, so people say, can
also make one put weight on. I've been doing OK latelely on the weight front and I do
feel a lot better about myself, my clothes are fitting me a bit better like I don't
feel like I'm trussed up and bits of me are bursting out in annoying places. Course
giving up smoking and starting hormones could be the worst posible scenario for the
weight. I'm going to have to be really careful about what I eat :)
|| the act of smoking is definitly something I still enjoy
|
| And there really is the rub. If only it were not so for you. Perhaps
| that might be something to explore - where is the enjoyment?
Well it seems to be in the contemplational element, particularly when I am doing art.
One stands back rolls a cigarette and studies what one has done and how to improve
and/or alter it. I sort of go into a trance like meditative mind set when I'm
painting and I have been working like that since art college (about 22 years ago now)
where they had a "strict" no smoking policy which everyone from the lecturers down
totally ignored (bloody artists) LOL. It does seem to be part and parcel of the way I
work and very difficult to change, and even if I did there is a chance it would
affect my work. I suppose the bottom line is I don't want to give up at all, the only
reason I am even dreaming of it is the hormone issue, it's terrible in it ;)
| I recall lighting the last one for me, not knowing it was the last
| one, and suffering the most awful racking coughing fit. I threw it
| out of the car window (yes, bad girl!) with the thought "there must be
| better ways of killing yourself". I think that thought was motivation
| enough and, as the last one I had was not at all enjoyable, it
| probably made choosing to stop a lot easier.
That's pretty good really. Mind I think if I didn't do art I could give up fairly
easily. With art though it seems smoking is part of the creative process for me now.
|| Well I think everyone does what they feel is right for themselves
|| and there are issues in my head about whether I want to be non-op or
|| post-op. ...... and I certainly haven't come to any fixed decision
|| about things and even when and if I do.
|
| I wonder if even thinking of that decision might be premature until
| after a period on hormones. Once you've experienced them and know
| whether they are or are not for you, don't you think that would have a
| very powerful influence on the choice that you make.
Yes I think that's a good point
| I'd not even try to think about the "what ifs" until you've tasted the
| fruit 'cos what ever you think now is likely to alter after the event,
| depending on whether it tastes like a strawberry or a lemon to you.
Ah I don't like Strawberries (I like the colour and the look but not the taste), I'll
suck the lemon on the top of a cocktail drink though ;) Now if they taste like
oranges I'll be hooked LOL ;) Apparently Jaffa Oranges were my mother's big craving
when she had me and I quite like oranges :) Though My Mobile network is T-mobile. So
the World isn't entirely Orange yet LOL ;)
| I recall after a period on the hormones and knowing they were for me,
| that I was thinking about the difference between living under a
| testosterone based regime as I had and under a oestrogen based regime
| as I then was. The difference was so great that I wanted to store the
| "man" feelings somewhere so I could remember where I'd come from. A
| few days later I woke up knowing that the knowledge of how it felt to
| be under testosterone had left me and that I never needed to know it
| again because I knew where I belonged - I think of that as the
| beginning of the rest of my life.
Yeah I guess it could work like that I shall have to wait and see I guess :)
|| one can never really be the woman that one perhaps should have
|| been and one has to make the best of what one has
|
| Oh, wise lady. I hear TS people bandying the word "woman" about and I
| think how inappropriate. I am, to use the full expression, a male to
| female transsexual - I wish I was all female, even all male
| (perhaps!), but I'm not.
Yes I was asked if I felt like a woman, and I said "well no not really, I never have
had a clear gender identity..." She then asked me why I do it? ie Live as a woman? to
which I replied "It makes me feel like myself". She was writing all this down. I
suppose it shows I'm not delusional and have applied enough logic to my situation. I
suppose if I had used the off patt answer "I feel like a woman trapped in a man's
body" there are a dozen ways such a statement can be challenged and questioned, and
is too simplistic really.
But you'll find yourself in a very small
| minority holding that view and one does perhaps need to think
| carefully about the definition of words like woman, female etc before
| being too dogmatic.
Yes I suppose a lot of people give the more "off pat" answer. But I suppose I have
been living as a woman for long enough now to realise it's not quite that simple. But
I must have some notion of my "true" gender identity at some level because I get
upset if people get it wrong. I said I seem to have a clearer idea of what I don't
want to be seen as (i.e a man in a dress) than what I actually am though :) (not
that I dislike CDs I might add)
Course they also ask questions like "What you *want* from CX?", "Why you felt a need
to come?" I smiled and said "Oh that's easy, the obvious answer is "I want/ed a sex
change <g>" But I said at this stage, now I'm here it's probably the support that I
need and hormones at some point :)
|| ....... the torment of obsessive disatisfaction which seems to be
|| ones lot as a gender dysphoric individual (maybe that is a woman's
|| lot in anycase).
|
| Just because (if) you feel it oppressively, need not mean it's
| obsessive - there's a world of difference. For a start, one can be
| healthy, the other is not.
| It could just be a natural "let's get it on" reaction. I feel there's
| a time that's given to us that I think of as the "in-between" time
| when it's possible without too much discomfort to manipulate what one
| does to suit the circumstances of the time. But once that in-between
| time has been exhausted then the female element stamps her foot and
| says "I've been waiting here for too long".
Yes it does seem to go that way or has done at certain turning points up till now.
Which is pretty much why I wanted to go to CX.
It was New Years eve 2001 and I went out to a big free public Rock Concert in Cardiff
Civic Centre, which is about 100 yards from my home it was -8 degrees and I was all
on my own that night for some reason wandering through the crowd looking for friends
and somehow I went totally introspective and looking around at all the "other" women
it suddenly hit me that I felt sort of imitation and unreal and it really totally
bothered me that I had the wrong bits, not that anyone would have noticed given the
temperature <g> but in a way that kind of made it feel like I had the right bits and
sort of made the disatisfation feel all the stronger. By the time they were letting
the fireworks off I was crying, but knew or felt that I knew what I needed to do, and
I suppose that is basically what prompted me to go to CX.
Mind that evening did eventally end a bit more happily because when I got home some
friends called in to see me and we had a party :) But I suppose that moment was
heralded by a grand firework display over richly carved grandiose white marble
Neoclassical buildings to strains of Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" which I seemed able to
imagine and almost physically hear in my head, so I can't grumble really. It's always
a good idea to have one's Epiphanies at appropriate times. I don't know what they put
in the Beer these days LOL ;)
|| Maybe as Leonard Cohen says "there aint no cure" LOL
|
| Ah, feeling cheerful tonight, I see!
Yeah LOL I quite like Leonard Cohen :) My favorite song at the moment is that new
version of the old Tears for Fears song "Mad World" sang by Gary Jules, the words are
quite amazing I'd never noticed them before. I suppose that's a sad song but
beautiful all the same. It reminds me of London and the total chaos that is The
British Railway Network and Paddington Station which always seems to be running a
skeleton service when I go to London because of some fault on the track, so you end
up being packed into a train carriage like a sardine and there are people fainting
everywhere and you think it must have been like this in the Blitz, does Hitler's
Luftwaffe now run the Railways here? It's the Great British Spirit LOL ;)
|
|| I want to really. I suppose I'm just a bit scared of the unknown.
|| I'm being a big sissy about it
|
| Oh, no you're not. It really is life changing. If oestrogen is what
| your brain has been crying out for all this time then that's a big
| step. Trust yourself - you will know when it's time and you will
| know, after a while, if it's right. All you have to do is listen to
| your body - a skill you can acquire.
Yes I shall see I guess :)
|| I suppose one issue that bothers me is the fact that eventually one
|| becomes reliant on HRT ....... and ... if you have surgery, getting
|| rid of (destroying) the organs that enable one's body to function
|| naturally
|
| True and there's no absolutist answer. However, try this for size:
| suppose for a moment you are TS, then you are a mixture already and
| having spent your life up to now trying to adjust your brain to fit
| your body, you may perhaps choose to modify your body to fit your
| brain and see if the results are any more satisfactory.
Yes that's true and it's not as if I haven't modified some aspects of my body
already. Like I don't have as much facial hair as I might otherwise obsessive
plucking about 8 years ago got rid of that, and of course wearing bras alot does seem
to train the figure a little over time (paricularly if there is a little there to
start with). The other changes have perhaps been quite subtle, but others have
commented that my appearence has seemed to have softened over the years, and the only
thing I can think has caused those sort of changes has been living as a woman and a
strong desire and will to look female. But I suppose one could also interpret that as
learning to make the best of what I already have :)
| We're not "normal" and what ever you choose, even the choice to do
| nothing, is a compromise.
Yes that's true, I'm not sure "doing nothing" is not really an option in the long
run. I think I could put things off and try to manage in a kind of denial state, but
the issues are not going to go away on their own and although I don't like to be a
drain on the NHS some sort of treatment or therapy seems to be necessary I can't seem
to get away from that. Well lets hope they invested all the taxes I paid on those
cigarettes wisely ;)
|| In a sense apart from my natural hair which is pretty poor (which
|| isn't something that hormones can really save at this late point
|| unfortunately)
|
| Don't forget that any form of anti-androgen (not available from CX as
| I understand) will stop the production of 5 DHT and, over time,
| restore your hair to where it was about 7-10 years before you start on
| HRT. However, I wear a wig and I have a friend in your principality
| who had hair transplants. There are solutions.
Unfortunately I started going thin on top at about 25. I remember thinking even then
"Oh dear bang goes my sex change" ;) I doubt if it will grow back much. But I wear
wigs. I've been wearing wigs for 8 years now, even when I was more "half and half",
so I'm certainly used to wigs :) But as you say there are new options available. But
as with everything really it depends on the cost :)
|
| Incidentally, 1mg of Finasteride per day has the same effect as an
| anti-androgen and may, just may, be available from CX or your GP. You
| get the 5mg tablets and use a pill cutter.
Yes I think someone gave me some of those once, I havn't tried them. But this is as
you say someting I could probably get from my GP without too much trouble.
|| I'm a lot happier living as a woman, I feel like I'm coming home,
|
| They're your words, no one else's!!! And do notice there's no
| equivocation there unlike in many of your other observations.
| It is also exactly how I feel.
Well yes there's nothing like experience :)
|| but I think I'll always be a little odd :)
|
| And I can't imagine having this experience that's given to so few of
| us and then not being "a little odd". Odd is merely different, not
| less, not more. One of my expressions is "not better, not worse, just
| different" and that has many applications.
Yes Well I think having artistic talents is "Odd" to, but such things are very
positive things and that is what I meant by using that word :)
|| Yes I think so. I think the thing is to live a day at a time and not
|| try to take on the whole issue and implications of being transsexual
|| in one go.
|
| Just so. Trust yourself. Listen to your body - it will tell you,
| though I fear it will just be the still small voice which has to be
| listened for with some care, else it gets drowned in the noise around
| you.
Yes I dare say say that's true, life can be quite complicated on times :)
|| The other thing in regard to hormones of course is although there
|| are issues involved, they should bring positive advantages into my
|| life even if one does eventually become reliant on them.
|
| The first positive advantage they will give you is certainty - am I or
| am I not? It is said that a well known shrink in our field is of the
| view that diagnozing a TS is impossible, confirming one is easy.
|
| Thereafter I think of it this way - without a shred of proof, I might
| add.
|
| You've either got a female BSTc or not.
|
| If you haven't, then oestrogen will simply lower your sex drive and
| fail to engage with your psyche. This leads to the simple question
| "what the hell am I doing here" and you find you're not TS and have a
| different issue to address.
Yes. I think it is possible to get carried away with the status stuff in the NGs, and
sometimes with other "trans" people in RL. People sometimes get jealous if you have
"transitioned" more than them, and they have issues themselves that they have not
dealt with. But one thing is certain that going the TS route is no bed of roses, and
you realise that as an individual you have to do what you have to do. But obviously
if there was a way out where one could be happy, even if that meant *not* being TS,
there is certainly nothing wrong with being TG if it makes one happy :)
| However, suppose you have got a female BSTc then (and this is the
| supposition bit) without oestrogen you're just like a woman with
| permanent PMS. Try the oestrogen and it engages with the female
| receptors on your BSTc and your brain says "at last and about time
| too" and you are at peace in the same way that a woman deals with PMS
| or the menopause. Because it leaves you at peace, you can then move
| forward with the rest of your life - but the price is that you're
| hooked on the stuff.
Yes as you say this is the scary thing about starting hormones, this sort of make or
break discovery thing. At this stage it's probably best if I wait and see and realise
that it doesn't really matter what one is as long as one is happy :)
Now if everyone on these Newsgroups thought like this there would probably be fewer
flames LOL ;)
| In my thoughts
ju...@nomail.com
[Smoking]
>LOL Yes eating something like chocolate as a substitute does have it's attractions,
>but I have a tendence to put weight on quite easily unfortunately. And that would
>probably be just as bad if not worse particularly since hormones,
It's true - hormones do seem to add weight but the converse could be
that one needs less comfort eating (no, I'm not sure I believe that
either!). I know so little about it but aren't these nicotine patches
and substitutes supposed to be quite good?
>I've been doing OK latelely on the weight front and I do
>feel a lot better about myself,
Oh isn't that such a good feeling. Sometimes I feel as though I might
nearly have a waist and can get into a size 14 skirt without being cut
in half. It's wonderful.
[What you get out of it]
>Well it seems to be in the contemplational element,
People often talk about "helping one concentrate" and I seem to recall
always lighting up at such times. Do you recall the Strand ad and the
music? So evocative.
>It does seem to be part and parcel of the way I
>work and very difficult to change, and even if I did there is a chance it would
>affect my work. I suppose the bottom line is I don't want to give up at all, the only
>reason I am even dreaming of it is the hormone issue, it's terrible in it ;)
No, it's not terrible at all, it's choice and freedom and what I
notice in your words is the dilemma - at no point have you closed the
door with "I can't". Perhaps, should you decide that smoking may not
be for you, then you might try to disentangle the smoking/painting
link first. With such a sword hanging over you, it feels to me as
though choosing not to smoke would be quite difficult.
>Mind I think if I didn't do art I could give up fairly
>easily. With art though it seems smoking is part of the creative process for me now.
A picture of a cherubic faced little man sitting in a boat house not
too far from where you live and complete with cigarette comes to mind.
I had occasion to think only yesterday of "Now, as I was young and
easy under the apple boughs ....."
The association that comes to my mind with what you're saying is
always having one after a meal or in a pub and I wonder if it's only
the same sort of habitual link rather than actually making the process
really better (or am I talking rubbish?).
[Choices]
>Ah I don't like Strawberries (I like the colour and the look but not the taste), I'll
>suck the lemon on the top of a cocktail drink though ;) Now if they taste like
>oranges I'll be hooked LOL ;)
I had originally thought of saying Satsuma but thought that Strawberry
would get the point across better - back to the drawing board!
>Yeah I guess it could work like that I shall have to wait and see I guess :)
Well, no responsible person would ever try and talk you into taking
them so yes, it's up to you to decide the whether or not. It can only
ever be your choice for you.
But I do find it interesting that you are at peace with smoking, a
trait generally reckoned to be very unhealthy and yet you seem to
worry about the addictive and health issues of hormones - could you
say something about that?
[What's in a name]
>Yes I was asked if I felt like a woman,
I think my feeling about that would be "how could I know", even "do
all women feel the same"? But then I'd probably get into even more
trouble. The nearest I could get to answering such a question would
really be "I prefer to be treated with as a woman" and I do know that
to be true.
>I seem to have a clearer idea of what I don't want to be seen as
>(i.e a man in a dress) than what I actually am though :) (not
>that I dislike CDs I might add)
Yes, I can identify fully with that and this is where the "out" and
"stealth" debate could surface. I'm beginning to feel that it's quite
a differentiator about the nature of the individual.
>now I'm here it's probably the support that I
>need and hormones at some point :)
And the converse is true too - if you didn't need it then you'd not go
all the way to London, so it definitely has a purpose.
[Rock Concert in Cardiff]
>I felt sort of imitation and unreal and it really totally
>bothered me that I had the wrong bits, not that anyone would have noticed given the
>temperature <g> but in a way that kind of made it feel like I had the right bits and
>sort of made the disatisfation feel all the stronger.
Perhaps you needed that particular experience to move you on a little.
As you've said and implied throughout your writings, the transsexual
process is a journey. Perhaps you'd used up all of my in-between time
at that point in your life and needed to take a step, which you then
took.
It feels to me as though you're taking this journey quite slowly and
steadily and that is something I've done. Partly, it was a financial
thing but also I wanted to take my time, knowing I was ready for the
next step. I respect the care that you're taking of yourself. You
may not agree, but I think it shows a marked degree of self respect as
a core value which will stand you in good stead.
I do know a couple of girls who rushed through it all and seem now to
be rootless, not really knowing where they belong.
As an aside, isn't it so easy to be alone in a crowd? I went to the
Hyde Park anti-war march and felt quite alone among the 2 million
until a friend called me up and said "I'm alone, can I walk with you"
and somehow we found each other - oh, it was cold that day!
>I was crying, but knew or felt that I knew what I needed to do, and
>I suppose that is basically what prompted me to go to CX.
Do you recall the feeling behind the tears? Not necessarily pain or
anguish, it could just as easily have been the relief of knowing. It
might be interesting to see if you could revisit that.
>strains of Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" which I seemed able to
>imagine and almost physically hear in my head, so I can't grumble really.
Good stuff. I'm a Sibelius Violin Concerto or ....... and here
follows a list from Bach forward with one thing in common - a great
big sentimental tune!
>I don't know what they put in the Beer these days LOL ;)
When I was playing soldiers at school and we went to Pirbright, it was
always reputed to be Bromide in the tea - who needs Spiro, Androcur or
Goserelin?
>My favorite song at the moment is that new
>version of the old Tears for Fears song "Mad World" sang by Gary Jules, the words are
>quite amazing I'd never noticed them before.
Oh, I wish I knew it but I don't think I've ever heard it. I'll ask
Mandy or Kirsty (my electros). They'll point me in the right
direction.
I'm still quite rooted in the songs of my youth (late 50s and 60s)
with a sprinkling of other things.
[Taking the fateful step]
>Yes I shall see I guess :)
Now, now. Don't rush it! Only if and when you're ready. <g>
[Appearance]
>others have
>commented that my appearence has seemed to have softened over the years, and the only
>thing I can think has caused those sort of changes has been living as a woman and a
>strong desire and will to look female. But I suppose one could also interpret that as
>learning to make the best of what I already have :)
About as female a behavioural pattern as you're likely to meet.
[Choices]
>Yes that's true, I'm not sure "doing nothing" is not really an option in the long
>run.
It is in the general case so I infer that you're saying that it's not
an option for you. If not, then so be it. You will know.
[Getting treatment]
>I don't like to be a drain on the NHS some sort of treatment or
>therapy seems to be necessary I can't seem to get away from that.
>Well lets hope they invested all the taxes I paid on those cigarettes wisely ;)
Is this what really lies at the root of your equivocation - a feeling
that "perhaps I don't deserve it"? Supposing for a moment that my
interpretation is valid, would that be just you or all TS folk? Are
you, I wonder, suggesting that you are any the less deserving than any
other category of NHS client? Because if you are, then for the first
time I'm not remotely in agreement with you. Could you say more about
that.
[Hair]
>Unfortunately I started going thin on top at about 25.
Me too!
One of the things about wigs is that they are amazingly cost
effective. Just compare the cost of a decent wig with having your
hair styled and probably coloured every few weeks! I quite like my
wig, just not hanging it on the bed post at night.
Silly story - I was up at my little boat and a friend (who knows my
situation) was helping me cut and dispose of the reeds at the mooring
when a gust of wind comes along and blows my wig off. Once I realized
no one had noticed and that it had not gone in the river, I thought it
hugely funny..... but it could have been very different and he would
have been very embarrassed.
[On being odd]
>Yes Well I think having artistic talents is "Odd" to, but such things are very
>positive things and that is what I meant by using that word :)
Indeed they are. I have a friend who has had the most wretched life
and is quite without formal education and yet she writes poetry at
which I can only marvel. Such oddness, as with yours, is much to be
valued.
>Yes I dare say say that's true, life can be quite complicated on times :)
I love your prevarications! I so want to tease you about them but
feel it inappropriate to do so - but only at the moment.
>Yes. I think it is possible to get carried away with the status stuff in the NGs, and
>sometimes with other "trans" people in RL.
Indeed. I do have TS friends but none are local to me and I do not
move in the scene at all. I'm much happier pushing a trolley round
the supermarket or playing with my little boat than, for example,
going to The Village at a weekend.
>People sometimes get jealous if you have"transitioned" more than them,
>and they have issues themselves that they have not dealt with.
Yes, but you've immediately got the right perspective (well, you are
an artist). It's their problem, not yours. You can feel sympathetic
if you choose, but you're clearly not tempted to take their feelings
in to your life, which sometimes is the object of their behaviour.
Another little saying that I find quite helpful is "own your own
feelings" - a dictum which includes taking responsibility for what you
do feel while not picking up the prejudices of others.
>if there was a way out where one could be happy, even if that meant *not* being TS,
>there is certainly nothing wrong with being TG if it makes one happy :)
I think it would be infinitely preferable.
The things I take every day will almost certainly shorten my natural
life span, there's that horrid surgery and all the learnings we have
to make. No, I did not embrace this. I did embrace that finally I
came to a sense of knowing and was glad to understand my situation but
I wish it had been something else that I found to be what lay behind
my strange journey through life.
>Yes as you say this is the scary thing about starting hormones, this sort of make or
>break discovery thing. At this stage it's probably best if I wait and see and realise
>that it doesn't really matter what one is as long as one is happy :)
Indeed. If you are happy as you are then perhaps hormones are
inappropriate in your case, certainly at this particular time, though
you don't speak of happiness or fulfillment. If they become important
then while not rushing head long in, I'd not try too hard to wring
another few months of maleness out of life - it's very debilitating.
>Now if everyone on these Newsgroups thought like this there would probably be fewer
>flames LOL ;)
True but some folk are very unhappy and have to go through this
process of disruption and assertion to have some chance of coming out
the other side.
Julia
Amanda Angelika
and didst say:
| Amanda got more writer's cramp <g> .........
|
| [Smoking]
|| LOL Yes eating something like chocolate as a substitute does have
|| it's attractions, but I have a tendence to put weight on quite
|| easily unfortunately. And that would probably be just as bad if not
|| worse particularly since hormones,
|
| It's true - hormones do seem to add weight but the converse could be
| that one needs less comfort eating (no, I'm not sure I believe that
| either!). I know so little about it but aren't these nicotine patches
| and substitutes supposed to be quite good?
Yes I should try something and at least think in terms of cutting down my smoking.
|| I've been doing OK latelely on the weight front and I do
|| feel a lot better about myself,
|
| Oh isn't that such a good feeling. Sometimes I feel as though I might
| nearly have a waist and can get into a size 14 skirt without being cut
| in half. It's wonderful.
:) Yes I used to be a fair bit thinner about 10 years ago. I had a little A line mini
skirt I used to wear that was size 14, (US size 12) but when I tried it on recently.
I was most disappointed to find I couldn't hardly get it round my waist and my bottom
was too big for it really making just that little bit too short LOL So I definitely
could lose some more, though usually dress a bit more conservatively these days ;)
|
| [What you get out of it]
|| Well it seems to be in the contemplational element,
|
| People often talk about "helping one concentrate" and I seem to recall
| always lighting up at such times. Do you recall the Strand ad and the
| music? So evocative.
No my recollection of Cigarette ads has got a bit sketchy over the years. I can
remember the Old Condor pipe tobacco ad though.
|| It does seem to be part and parcel of the way I
|| work and very difficult to change, and even if I did there is a
|| chance it would affect my work. I suppose the bottom line is I don't
|| want to give up at all, the only reason I am even dreaming of it is
|| the hormone issue, it's terrible in it ;)
|
| No, it's not terrible at all, it's choice and freedom and what I
| notice in your words is the dilemma - at no point have you closed the
| door with "I can't". Perhaps, should you decide that smoking may not
| be for you, then you might try to disentangle the smoking/painting
| link first. With such a sword hanging over you, it feels to me as
| though choosing not to smoke would be quite difficult.
Well that's true I quite like the idea that I can give it up if I really wanted, and
there is no such thing as "can't" with giving up smoking because if I was marooned on
a desert island, with no cigarettes, as long I had some food and water I wouldn't
die. So it's not like cigarettes are totally essential really even if one is addicted
it is possible to give up even if it's difficult :)
|| Mind I think if I didn't do art I could give up fairly
|| easily. With art though it seems smoking is part of the creative
|| process for me now.
|
| A picture of a cherubic faced little man sitting in a boat house not
| too far from where you live and complete with cigarette comes to mind.
| I had occasion to think only yesterday of "Now, as I was young and
| easy under the apple boughs ....."
:)
| The association that comes to my mind with what you're saying is
| always having one after a meal or in a pub and I wonder if it's only
| the same sort of habitual link rather than actually making the process
| really better (or am I talking rubbish?).
Well there are definitely habit links. I know people who are almost non-smokers but
will smoke a few in the pub. I noticed the other week when I was in a Weatherspoon
pub in town it was very difficult not to smoke with a half or Lager. Course most of
my friends smoke to which doesn't make giving up easy.
| [Choices]
|| Ah I don't like Strawberries (I like the colour and the look but not
|| the taste), I'll suck the lemon on the top of a cocktail drink
|| though ;) Now if they taste like oranges I'll be hooked LOL ;)
|
| I had originally thought of saying Satsuma but thought that Strawberry
| would get the point across better - back to the drawing board!
Yeah I can eat Satsumas like strawberries ;)
|| Yeah I guess it could work like that I shall have to wait and see I
|| guess :)
|
| Well, no responsible person would ever try and talk you into taking
| them so yes, it's up to you to decide the whether or not. It can only
| ever be your choice for you.
|
| But I do find it interesting that you are at peace with smoking, a
| trait generally reckoned to be very unhealthy and yet you seem to
| worry about the addictive and health issues of hormones - could you
| say something about that?
Well I think the main concern seems to be the issue of eventually becoming totally
reliant on something external to the body. No matter how much you try to or want to
eradicate or hide male traits or to see testosterone as a poison. One thing is true
every one needs hormones of one sort or another for the body to function normally.
Taking female hormones will alter the way one's body can function "unaided". Course
having an orch, and/or SRS will of course almost entirely remove ones ability for
your body to function unaided and consuming hormone tablets is a necessity to
maintain normal health.
But actually I think writing that down like that does make it somewhat easier to
rationalise that <Thanks for asking me that question :) >. I mean taking hormones is
no different that having to consume foods with vitamin C in when you think about it.
The body is reliant on a lot of things it can't create itself, so why should hormonal
requirements necessarily be any different? I ask myself :)
| [What's in a name]
|| Yes I was asked if I felt like a woman,
|
| I think my feeling about that would be "how could I know", even "do
| all women feel the same"? But then I'd probably get into even more
| trouble. The nearest I could get to answering such a question would
| really be "I prefer to be treated with as a woman" and I do know that
| to be true.
Yes it's very abstract. And in anycase if I really know I am a woman then why would I
feel like one? Surely I would just feel like myself as opposed to someone else or an
externally imposed label. It's a silly question, but I suppose it's trick question
really intended to lead you into questioning what that feeling might be.
|| I seem to have a clearer idea of what I don't want to be seen as
|| (i.e a man in a dress) than what I actually am though :) (not
|| that I dislike CDs I might add)
|
| Yes, I can identify fully with that and this is where the "out" and
| "stealth" debate could surface. I'm beginning to feel that it's quite
| a differentiator about the nature of the individual.
Yes, well there is no point in being "out" if you can pass and function perfectly
fine as a woman and that is the state of existence that you find complete fulfilment
in. I wonder if I could be totally stealth, obviously most of my friends know my
history because they have known me for years. But when I meet new people who may or
may not realise what I am I find they seem to respond to me quite normally so since
I'm happy to be seen as a woman and that seems to be all I really want it isn't
necessary to be out. I suppose the question as to whether to be "out" depends on how
much baggage one has from the past. I don't suppose I have much baggage really my
male existence wasn't particularly "male" in many ways.
|| now I'm here it's probably the support that I
|| need and hormones at some point :)
|
| And the converse is true too - if you didn't need it then you'd not go
| all the way to London, so it definitely has a purpose.
Yes that's true :)
| [Rock Concert in Cardiff]
|| I felt sort of imitation and unreal and it really totally
|| bothered me that I had the wrong bits, not that anyone would have
|| noticed given the temperature <g> but in a way that kind of made it
|| feel like I had the right bits and sort of made the disatisfation
|| feel all the stronger.
|
| Perhaps you needed that particular experience to move you on a little.
| As you've said and implied throughout your writings, the transsexual
| process is a journey. Perhaps you'd used up all of my in-between time
| at that point in your life and needed to take a step, which you then
| took.
Yes I think that's true :)
| It feels to me as though you're taking this journey quite slowly and
| steadily and that is something I've done. Partly, it was a financial
| thing but also I wanted to take my time, knowing I was ready for the
| next step. I respect the care that you're taking of yourself. You
| may not agree, but I think it shows a marked degree of self respect as
| a core value which will stand you in good stead.
I hope so :)
| I do know a couple of girls who rushed through it all and seem now to
| be rootless, not really knowing where they belong.
I suppose it is very difficult then to go through stages one may have missed so
probably take a ling time to adjust.
| As an aside, isn't it so easy to be alone in a crowd? I went to the
| Hyde Park anti-war march and felt quite alone among the 2 million
| until a friend called me up and said "I'm alone, can I walk with you"
| and somehow we found each other - oh, it was cold that day!
Yes. It's funny really I can quite enjoy my own company,and can be a bit introverted
I suppose, but sometimes if I'm in a crowd I can feel very alone and get very
maudlin.
|| I was crying, but knew or felt that I knew what I needed to do, and
|| I suppose that is basically what prompted me to go to CX.
|
| Do you recall the feeling behind the tears? Not necessarily pain or
| anguish, it could just as easily have been the relief of knowing. It
| might be interesting to see if you could revisit that.
Yes that's true. It's interesting I remembered it. I mentioned it to my doctor when I
first discussed the whole thing with him. It was very much an important moment of
realising that I had to take another step along the road.
|| strains of Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" which I seemed able to
|| imagine and almost physically hear in my head, so I can't grumble
|| really.
|
| Good stuff. I'm a Sibelius Violin Concerto or ....... and here
| follows a list from Bach forward with one thing in common - a great
| big sentimental tune!
:) There was a lovely bit of Bach on MP3.com called Bach's Concerto Fmin "Largo" I
was going to paste in the URL for the 128kps audio stream, but unfortunately Mp3.com
are down at the moment. Lucky I downloaded it :)
|| I don't know what they put in the Beer these days LOL ;)
|
| When I was playing soldiers at school and we went to Pirbright, it was
| always reputed to be Bromide in the tea - who needs Spiro, Androcur or
| Goserelin?
I used to be into photography, course they put bromide into photographic paper. I
used to think I was a bit of a girl because I was spending too much time in the
darkroom and used to think maybe if I ate it I would grow boobs LOL ;)
|
|| My favorite song at the moment is that new
|| version of the old Tears for Fears song "Mad World" sang by Gary
|| Jules, the words are quite amazing I'd never noticed them before.
|
| Oh, I wish I knew it but I don't think I've ever heard it. I'll ask
| Mandy or Kirsty (my electros). They'll point me in the right
| direction.
You would probably recognise the old Tears for Fears version. If you have Kazaalite
just put "Mad World" in the search box and a nice 320kps CD quality file pops up ;)
|
| I'm still quite rooted in the songs of my youth (late 50s and 60s)
| with a sprinkling of other things.
Yes I've rediscovered the 50s and 60s on MP3 :) (Not available in any shops LOL) Well
I have about 700 mp3s on my second harddisk and play them through the stereo, I also
listen to broadband streaming radio stations a lot there are some nice ones available
through Winamp. :)
| [Taking the fateful step]
|| Yes I shall see I guess :)
|
| Now, now. Don't rush it! Only if and when you're ready. <g>
:)
| [Appearance]
|| others have
|| commented that my appearence has seemed to have softened over the
|| years, and the only thing I can think has caused those sort of
|| changes has been living as a woman and a strong desire and will to
|| look female. But I suppose one could also interpret that as learning
|| to make the best of what I already have :)
|
| About as female a behavioural pattern as you're likely to meet.
Yes I suppose it is really :)
| [Choices]
|| Yes that's true, I'm not sure "doing nothing" is not really an
|| option in the long run.
|
| It is in the general case so I infer that you're saying that it's not
| an option for you. If not, then so be it. You will know.
Yes that's true
| [Getting treatment]
|| I don't like to be a drain on the NHS some sort of treatment or
|| therapy seems to be necessary I can't seem to get away from that.
|| Well lets hope they invested all the taxes I paid on those
|| cigarettes wisely ;)
|
| Is this what really lies at the root of your equivocation - a feeling
| that "perhaps I don't deserve it"? Supposing for a moment that my
| interpretation is valid, would that be just you or all TS folk? Are
| you, I wonder, suggesting that you are any the less deserving than any
| other category of NHS client? Because if you are, then for the first
| time I'm not remotely in agreement with you. Could you say more about
| that.
Well I suppose I shouldn't think like that really. I know I have a friend who is
post-op and went through CX and she was always complaining (bitching) about all the
"trannies" "not real transsexuals", wasting the time of the NHS and how you see some
sights if you go in the group therapy bit <cough> LOL.
So I suppose I have a bit of a complex there about living up to this "Real TS status"
so I don't waste the time of the National Health being one of those pesky trannies
LOL. I really shouldn't be thinking like that. I have genuine issues and a genuine
need for therapy and so do many many others who may or may not be strictly TS, so
it's silly really.
I suppose in my case I can't say I have ever paid a lot in Tax, though if I carry on
painting it is true to say I suppose that I will still be contributing to the
exchequer long after I'm gone, maybe I shouldn't worry I'm painting my own money
blank cheques for the future ;) So yeah, maybe the state does owe me a living, a sex
change, and free paint and canvas LOL ;) And people can rename the Turner prize the
Amanda Prize in about 100 years ;) Remind me to widen the door so I get my head
through LOL ;)
| [Hair]
|| Unfortunately I started going thin on top at about 25.
|
| Me too!
|
| One of the things about wigs is that they are amazingly cost
| effective. Just compare the cost of a decent wig with having your
| hair styled and probably coloured every few weeks! I quite like my
| wig, just not hanging it on the bed post at night.
Absolutely true. A hairdo can cost as much as 40 ukp and will be needed at least once
a month my last Wig cost 80 UKP and will last around 6 months to a year so isn't to
bad all things considered :) Mind I do have plenty of hair at the sides I think if I
get a bit more flush I might try some sort of semi-permanent hair system and have
extensions put in and stuff. Those sort of things are expensive, but it would be nice
to have hair that I didn't have to take off at night, even if only for a while it
would be a nice treat :)
| Silly story - I was up at my little boat and a friend (who knows my
| situation) was helping me cut and dispose of the reeds at the mooring
| when a gust of wind comes along and blows my wig off. Once I realized
| no one had noticed and that it had not gone in the river, I thought it
| hugely funny..... but it could have been very different and he would
| have been very embarrassed.
Yes that could have been awkward. I know Cardiff can be a bit windy in certain places
because of all the concrete and office blocks and things (wind funnels). I don't like
the wind. But always make sure things are well nailed on ;)
| [On being odd]
|| Yes Well I think having artistic talents is "Odd" to, but such
|| things are very positive things and that is what I meant by using
|| that word :)
|
| Indeed they are. I have a friend who has had the most wretched life
| and is quite without formal education and yet she writes poetry at
| which I can only marvel. Such oddness, as with yours, is much to be
| valued.
Yes true :)
|| Yes I dare say say that's true, life can be quite complicated on
|| times :)
|
| I love your prevarications! I so want to tease you about them but
| feel it inappropriate to do so - but only at the moment.
LOL, Well it's possibly being Welsh ;) I dunno. Not that I sound very Welsh, I come
from Monmouthshire really, though I think art college made me a bit posh. Put ideas
in my head above my station LOL ;)
|
|| Yes. I think it is possible to get carried away with the status
|| stuff in the NGs, and sometimes with other "trans" people in RL.
|
| Indeed. I do have TS friends but none are local to me and I do not
| move in the scene at all. I'm much happier pushing a trolley round
| the supermarket or playing with my little boat than, for example,
| going to The Village at a weekend.
Well I have TS friends quite local, but I live in the middle of a city, so I suppose
that does give one the opportunity to meet others similar to oneself.
|| People sometimes get jealous if you have"transitioned" more than
|| them, and they have issues themselves that they have not dealt with.
|
| Yes, but you've immediately got the right perspective (well, you are
| an artist). It's their problem, not yours. You can feel sympathetic
| if you choose, but you're clearly not tempted to take their feelings
| in to your life, which sometimes is the object of their behaviour.
Yes that's true
| Another little saying that I find quite helpful is "own your own
| feelings" - a dictum which includes taking responsibility for what you
| do feel while not picking up the prejudices of others.
Yes :)
|| if there was a way out where one could be happy, even if that meant
|| *not* being TS, there is certainly nothing wrong with being TG if it
|| makes one happy :)
|
| I think it would be infinitely preferable.
Yes, though I suppose it's in for a penny out for a pound ;)
| The things I take every day will almost certainly shorten my natural
| life span, there's that horrid surgery and all the learnings we have
| to make. No, I did not embrace this. I did embrace that finally I
| came to a sense of knowing and was glad to understand my situation but
| I wish it had been something else that I found to be what lay behind
| my strange journey through life.
Well I think once you realise that it would have been better to be born the right sex
to start with there isn't a lot one can do but go along the road to wherever it takes
you.
|
|| Yes as you say this is the scary thing about starting hormones, this
|| sort of make or break discovery thing. At this stage it's probably
|| best if I wait and see and realise that it doesn't really matter
|| what one is as long as one is happy :)
|
| Indeed. If you are happy as you are then perhaps hormones are
| inappropriate in your case, certainly at this particular time, though
| you don't speak of happiness or fulfilment. If they become important
| then while not rushing head long in, I'd not try too hard to wring
| another few months of maleness out of life - it's very debilitating.
Well there doesn't seem much point in hanging about much longer, I'm not getting any
younger and we only live once.
|| Now if everyone on these Newsgroups thought like this there would
|| probably be fewer flames LOL ;)
|
| True but some folk are very unhappy and have to go through this
| process of disruption and assertion to have some chance of coming out
| the other side.
Yes it does seem that way.
--
Amanda
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
AMaÑda AÑge1iKa ßerry
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Web Design Folio - (shameless plug)
----------------------------------------------------------
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www.cheapaschips.cc *NEW*(Roberts Emporium - Cardiff's finest Flea
Market) www.kink-club.com (Cardiff's Premier Fetish, BDSM and tranny
party venue)
----------------------------------------------------------
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ju...@nomail.com
[Smoking]
>Yes I should try something and at least think in terms of cutting down my smoking.
I believe some things are available on the NHS but am not certain.
Perhaps CX might help - after all, they've a vested interest.
[Shape]
>:) Yes I used to be a fair bit thinner about 10 years ago........
>though usually dress a bit more conservatively these days ;)
I had a few things from a while ago and I can't believe I used to get
into them yet I know I did.
I'm quite a conservative dresser though if I felt better about my face
(none too pretty) and assorted skin tags on my neck, I might feel a
little more adventurous. Where I do count my blessings is that in
spite of my height (6' 2"), I have no hang up about being tall, I can
buy my clothes in ordinary shops and I'm only a 41 in shoes which is a
real boon.
>I know people who are almost non-smokers but
>will smoke a few in the pub...........Course most of
>my friends smoke to which doesn't make giving up easy.
But there you touch on a key point - smoking seems to be an
associative thing - smokers know smokers and attend smoking
establishments, aka pubs, whereas non-smokers etc etc. Until I came
out as TS, I didn't know socially anyone who smoked.
[Smoking cf hormones and addiction]
>Well I think the main concern seems to be the issue of eventually becoming totally
>reliant on something external to the body........... or to see testosterone as a poison.
And here one gets into an much wider "medical ethics" debate. My son
would certainly be dead if he didn't take Flixotide daily and have
Salbutamol available as a reliever. Is that ok or not?
And then there's all the other things that people take - anti
depressants, beta blockers, HRT etc etc. Are you putting all these
things into the same category or is, somehow, fulfilling the TS need
different and perhaps less worthy?
As I'm sure you know, testosterone is no poison as women too have
testosterone in their body produced by the adrenal glands - it's just
they need a much smaller amount than for a man and should you choose
to deal with your male issues, then your adrenal gland would produce
the normal female equivalent quantity.
>The body is reliant on a lot of things it can't create itself, so why should hormonal
>requirements necessarily be any different? I ask myself :)
Indeed - just the same as my question above.
My mother had an overactive pituitry gland and the whole thing was
attacked with radiotherapy which killed her pituitry and she was kept
alive for the last 20 years of her life with externally supplied
hormones. Was that unethical? ...... I quite see and respect the
natural selection argument but not just for one section of society -
it's a general case, not specific to one group, irrespective of
whether that group be TS or diabetics.
As an aside, I shudder to think what a blunt instrument both the
hormones and the quantities prescribed must have been in those days
(mid 50s to early 70s).
[What's in a name]
> It's a silly question, but I suppose it's trick question
>really intended to lead you into questioning what that feeling might be.
I have heard it said that CX are prone to such games.
>Yes, well there is no point in being "out" if you can pass and function perfectly
>fine as a woman and that is the state of existence that you find complete fulfilment
>in.
I share that view but a lot here don't.
>I wonder if I could be totally stealth, obviously most of my friends know my
>history because they have known me for years. But when I meet new people who may or
>may not realise
If I might share my story. In the early days, I took the PC view so
often and so vociferously espoused here - I was a TS and had no need
to hide it. I transitioned in the same little village - they knew, at
least in so far as people talked about me and I understand that some
did - and all my friends knew. And so I just got on with being an out
TS and telling my story as necessary.
But gradually, imperceptibly, my attitude changed. I met more and
more people who only knew Julia and to whom "he" had no relevance and
so I came to where I am now. "He" is history, not just to me but to
those who knew him at first hand - one of my oldest friends even
talked about losing the only male friend he'd ever had!
To express it another way, I wrote a while ago -
"But in the same way that I don't tell all and sundry I am
hypoglycemic, think Death in Venice the greatest of films, my parents
were called Diana and Ted and so on, nor do I feel any need to tell
them I am a TS unless our relationship gets to a point where it is
appropriate.
Life is too short, I've told the story far too many times and I have
other fish to fry."
I'd suggest that what ever you think now may not necessarily be what
you think in a few months or years time. This is a case of letting
time pass and learning from the process. Getting stuck in the same
time frame is like being in a siding when, instead, you could be going
somewhere.
[Crying in the park]
>It's interesting I remembered it. I mentioned it to my doctor when I
>first discussed the whole thing with him. It was very much an important moment of
>realising that I had to take another step along the road.
Clearly that was a very important time for you. One stage completed
and another due to begin.
I've been taught to say "thank you" to myself under those
circumstances - partly for the learning, partly for the memory of the
achievement and partly 'cos I can leave some unwanted baggage beside
the road when I found I didn't need it any more (I'm now thinking of
Hazel's body when he went to the Owsla in the sky).
[Music]
I can see I'll have to pick your brains about a few things!
[Getting treatment]
And this is what it's really all about, as we both well know.
You wrote
>|| I don't like to be a drain on the NHS
and I asked
>| Is this what really lies at the root of your equivocation - a feeling
>| that "perhaps I don't deserve it"?
to which you said
>Well I suppose I shouldn't think like that really
You rarely use the obfuscation of "should" or "ought" and yet, where
does it crop up and in what context??? <g>
>I know I have a friend who is post-op and went through CX and she was
>always complaining (bitching) about all the "trannies" "not real transsexuals",
>wasting the time of the NHS and how you see some sights
>if you go in the group therapy bit <cough> LOL.
I have the same post-op friend, different name, different hospital,
different surgeon and she's complaining about how the new Gender
Recognition Bill (GerBil) will let all the "riff raff" through.
This is where you have to think it through for yourself and come to a
view about the various treatments available to TS folk and the
attitudes that go with them.
>So I suppose I have a bit of a complex there about living up to this "Real TS status"
>so I don't waste the time of the National Health being one of those pesky trannies
Perhaps, but it's no different to any other client who's attending for
diagnosis before getting to the treatment stage.
Just think of all those biopsies, smears and chest X rays carried out
on a just in case basis. I'm having a blood test right now for my
thyroxine level - should I not have it because we don't really know
whether it's abnormal, do you think?
>LOL. I really shouldn't be thinking like that. I have genuine issues and a genuine
>need for therapy and so do many many others who may or may not be strictly TS, so
>it's silly really.
Right - and while you're at it, get rid of the other "shouldn't"
that's crept in there. It sounds much better starting from "I have
genuine issues and ........"
[Tax]
You are entitled and it's nothing to do with taxes - it's our
definition of the word "civilization" and I happen to agree with "from
each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs".
[art college]
>....... made me a bit posh. Put ideas in my head above my station LOL ;)
Didn't make you TS though, did it?
[On the scene]
>Well I have TS friends quite local, but I live in the middle of a city, so I suppose
>that does give one the opportunity to meet others similar to oneself.
My nearby university town has about 20 TS folk but they're so busy
being TS ......
[Knowing]
>Well I think once you realise that it would have been better to be born the right sex
>to start with there isn't a lot one can do but go along the road to wherever it takes
>you.
Exactly. It's the old saying that "I wouldn't start from there".
Well, nor would I, but I wasn't even born when my hand was dealt and I
can't just throw my cards in 'cos there's no new deal.
>Well there doesn't seem much point in hanging about much longer, I'm not getting any
>younger and we only live once.
But you're not hanging around. You're thinking, exploring, learning
and deciding. Just consider ...... this discussion didn't happen by
accident. You started it and with a purpose that hopefully will be
fulfilled.
When you're ready you'll do what ever feels just right for you at that
moment in time.
Julia
Jennifer Usher
<ju...@nomail.com> wrote in message
news:3fdb8335....@news.ision.net.uk...
> I'm quite a conservative dresser though if I felt better about my face
> (none too pretty) and assorted skin tags on my neck, I might feel a
> little more adventurous. Where I do count my blessings is that in
> spite of my height (6' 2"), I have no hang up about being tall, I can
> buy my clothes in ordinary shops and I'm only a 41 in shoes which is a
> real boon.
There is a lot to be said for dressing conservatively. It helps you avoid
unwanted attention for one thing. Hmmm, a 41...what does that translate to
in American sizes? I am thinking about a 10 or 11, which is what I wear.
> >Well I think the main concern seems to be the issue of eventually
becoming totally
> >reliant on something external to the body........... or to see
testosterone as a poison.
>
> And here one gets into an much wider "medical ethics" debate. My son
> would certainly be dead if he didn't take Flixotide daily and have
> Salbutamol available as a reliever. Is that ok or not?
A lot of people need certain medications. There is nothing unethical about
this.
> And then there's all the other things that people take - anti
> depressants, beta blockers, HRT etc etc. Are you putting all these
> things into the same category or is, somehow, fulfilling the TS need
> different and perhaps less worthy?
In addition to my hormones, I take two medications for diabetes, an
anthistamine, and several others for various reasons. It all helps keep me
healthy. I see nothing wrong with taking any of it.
> As I'm sure you know, testosterone is no poison as women too have
> testosterone in their body produced by the adrenal glands - it's just
> they need a much smaller amount than for a man and should you choose
> to deal with your male issues, then your adrenal gland would produce
> the normal female equivalent quantity.
Well, most women would consider male levels of testosterone to be "poison."
Between the changes in their voice, and their facial hair, they would likely
be very unhappy.
> >The body is reliant on a lot of things it can't create itself, so why
should hormonal
> >requirements necessarily be any different? I ask myself :)
>
> Indeed - just the same as my question above.
There is nothing wrong with taking hormones. Ethically or otherwise.
> My mother had an overactive pituitry gland and the whole thing was
> attacked with radiotherapy which killed her pituitry and she was kept
> alive for the last 20 years of her life with externally supplied
> hormones. Was that unethical? ...... I quite see and respect the
> natural selection argument but not just for one section of society -
> it's a general case, not specific to one group, irrespective of
> whether that group be TS or diabetics.
Of course not.
> As an aside, I shudder to think what a blunt instrument both the
> hormones and the quantities prescribed must have been in those days
> (mid 50s to early 70s).
Probably...
> >Yes, well there is no point in being "out" if you can pass and function
perfectly
> >fine as a woman and that is the state of existence that you find complete
fulfilment
> >in.
>
> I share that view but a lot here don't.
I really don't understand those who don't. If you don't really want to be a
woman, why go to all this trouble.
> >I wonder if I could be totally stealth, obviously most of my friends know
my
> >history because they have known me for years. But when I meet new people
who may or
> >may not realise
>
> If I might share my story. In the early days, I took the PC view so
> often and so vociferously espoused here - I was a TS and had no need
> to hide it. I transitioned in the same little village - they knew, at
> least in so far as people talked about me and I understand that some
> did - and all my friends knew. And so I just got on with being an out
> TS and telling my story as necessary.
I couldn't do that...
> But gradually, imperceptibly, my attitude changed. I met more and
> more people who only knew Julia and to whom "he" had no relevance and
> so I came to where I am now. "He" is history, not just to me but to
> those who knew him at first hand - one of my oldest friends even
> talked about losing the only male friend he'd ever had!
No one here in San Francisco, at least as far as I am aware, ever knew me
before my transition. Even if they know my situation, they still only know
me as Jennifer. It makes a big difference.
> To express it another way, I wrote a while ago -
>
> "But in the same way that I don't tell all and sundry I am
> hypoglycemic, think Death in Venice the greatest of films, my parents
> were called Diana and Ted and so on, nor do I feel any need to tell
> them I am a TS unless our relationship gets to a point where it is
> appropriate.
Exactly. Funny thing. A few months ago, I met this man through a local
Internet site. We met, hit it off, and well, it quickly got to the point
where I had to tell. Funny thing. We are still going out. Our
relationship is not all I would like, but he seems to be more and more
accepting. In fact, I just got back from another date. I like him a lot.
I think he really likes me, but he still needs to work out everything in his
own mind. It sort of ran counter to everything people said. He is
definitely straight. Which is what I wanted. I really think he would make
a fine husband...but that will be a while coming.
--
Jennifer Usher
Amanda Angelika
and didst say:
| Amanda followed up thusly:
|
| [Smoking]
|| Yes I should try something and at least think in terms of cutting
|| down my smoking.
|
| I believe some things are available on the NHS but am not certain.
| Perhaps CX might help - after all, they've a vested interest.
Yes mind that's something I can get from my doctor
|
| [Shape]
|| :) Yes I used to be a fair bit thinner about 10 years ago........
|| though usually dress a bit more conservatively these days ;)
|
| I had a few things from a while ago and I can't believe I used to get
| into them yet I know I did.
Yeah we can't still be growing ;)
| I'm quite a conservative dresser though if I felt better about my face
| (none too pretty) and assorted skin tags on my neck, I might feel a
| little more adventurous.
I'm not very adventurous most of the time. I suppose I have a sort of casual look,
which sort of suits me a long denim skirt a little black woollen cardy with a hood
(very fashionable) and some denim deck shoes. But inspite of the fact that I don't
dress over the top and dress to blend in as a woman. I don't suppose there will be a
day in my life where I will not enjoy and appreciate being able to be myself without
attracting undue attention.
Where I do count my blessings is that in
| spite of my height (6' 2"), I have no hang up about being tall, I can
| buy my clothes in ordinary shops and I'm only a 41 in shoes which is a
| real boon.
That's good :)
Well maybe I shouldn't mention my height. I'm fairly little :) I too have smallish
feet UK 6-7 (40) which of course is well within off-the-peg women's shoes sizes.
|| I know people who are almost non-smokers but
|| will smoke a few in the pub...........Course most of
|| my friends smoke to which doesn't make giving up easy.
|
| But there you touch on a key point - smoking seems to be an
| associative thing - smokers know smokers and attend smoking
| establishments, aka pubs, whereas non-smokers etc etc. Until I came
| out as TS, I didn't know socially anyone who smoked.
That's amazing. I know some people who don't smoke or who have given up but not many,
given the fact that I believe there may be more non-smokers than smokers about these
days this is possibly unusual.
| [Smoking cf hormones and addiction]
|
|| Well I think the main concern seems to be the issue of eventually
|| becoming totally reliant on something external to the
|| body........... or to see testosterone as a poison.
|
| And here one gets into an much wider "medical ethics" debate. My son
| would certainly be dead if he didn't take Flixotide daily and have
| Salbutamol available as a reliever. Is that ok or not?
|
| And then there's all the other things that people take - anti
| depressants, beta blockers, HRT etc etc. Are you putting all these
| things into the same category or is, somehow, fulfilling the TS need
| different and perhaps less worthy?
Oh no, I wasn't putting it in terms of "ethics" in regard to TSs generally I was
thinking more of my own personal decisions, not preaching.
| As I'm sure you know, testosterone is no poison as women too have
| testosterone in their body produced by the adrenal glands - it's just
| they need a much smaller amount than for a man and should you choose
| to deal with your male issues, then your adrenal gland would produce
| the normal female equivalent quantity.
That's a good point.
|| The body is reliant on a lot of things it can't create itself, so
|| why should hormonal requirements necessarily be any different? I ask
|| myself :)
|
| Indeed - just the same as my question above.
|
| My mother had an overactive pituitry gland and the whole thing was
| attacked with radiotherapy which killed her pituitry and she was kept
| alive for the last 20 years of her life with externally supplied
| hormones. Was that unethical? ...... I quite see and respect the
| natural selection argument but not just for one section of society -
| it's a general case, not specific to one group, irrespective of
| whether that group be TS or diabetics.
Very true
| As an aside, I shudder to think what a blunt instrument both the
| hormones and the quantities prescribed must have been in those days
| (mid 50s to early 70s).
Yes I saw a program about the Pill how it revolutionised sex in the 60s (the
permissive generation) and yet was discovered to cause cancer in the 70s and 80s,
because of the amount of hormones used. Course the program was presented from a
Feminist angle and blamed Men for this.
| [What's in a name]
|
|| It's a silly question, but I suppose it's trick question
|| really intended to lead you into questioning what that feeling might
|| be.
|
| I have heard it said that CX are prone to such games.
Yeah. Mind I suppose thorough assessment is necessary, you get people into things
like "enforced feminisation" and fetishism and people who say they are full-time but
live only P/T. So although I don't necessarily think such things rule out gender
dysphoria and transsexuality, are areas that need to be examined and found out. I
think it would be difficult to fool them, but people do apparently.
|| Yes, well there is no point in being "out" if you can pass and
|| function perfectly fine as a woman and that is the state of
|| existence that you find complete fulfilment in.
|
| I share that view but a lot here don't.
True. I think Laura Blake (although not strictly TS but TG) is probably the chief
exponent of the "out" school, but I don't think being "out" is something that
everyone would want to live with or need.
Yes I think one has to do what is right for oneself. It may sound selfish and lacking
in political conscience to some to be "stealth", but then they have a different type
of identity and must do what satisfies their needs, one cannot impose one persons
needs on another.
| [Crying in the park]
|
|| It's interesting I remembered it. I mentioned it to my doctor when I
|| first discussed the whole thing with him. It was very much an
|| important moment of realising that I had to take another step along
|| the road.
|
| Clearly that was a very important time for you. One stage completed
| and another due to begin.
Very true
| I've been taught to say "thank you" to myself under those
| circumstances - partly for the learning, partly for the memory of the
| achievement and partly 'cos I can leave some unwanted baggage beside
| the road when I found I didn't need it any more (I'm now thinking of
| Hazel's body when he went to the Owsla in the sky).
Ah I have the MP3 of the song :) Brilliant book. It was a long time ago when I read
it (early 80s?) but really enjoyed it. The film is good to. Actually the wonderful
thing about the landscape in which it is set, Watership down, is that it's a real
place just outside Basingstoke and although I'm not certain about this I think the
main line from Cardiff to London Paddington might actually go through it, (the Iron
Road) though I think it might depend on which train one travels as to which line one
takes, but I always look out for it I know one time I came back via Basingstoke so
must have gone through it then, but there are lots of chalk downs round there and
there are lots of places that look like Watership Down :) Actually there is a site
all about the real Watership Down Complete with pictures (see link) which is very
interesting and brings it all to life really.
http://www.mayfieldiow.freewire.co.uk/watershp/index.htm
| [Music]
|
| I can see I'll have to pick your brains about a few things!
Yes I've got well into MP3s ;)
| [Getting treatment]
|
| And this is what it's really all about, as we both well know.
|
| You wrote
|||| I don't like to be a drain on the NHS
|
| and I asked
||| Is this what really lies at the root of your equivocation - a
||| feeling that "perhaps I don't deserve it"?
|
| to which you said
|
|| Well I suppose I shouldn't think like that really
|
| You rarely use the obfuscation of "should" or "ought" and yet, where
| does it crop up and in what context??? <g>
;)
|| I know I have a friend who is post-op and went through CX and she was
|| always complaining (bitching) about all the "trannies" "not real
|| transsexuals", wasting the time of the NHS and how you see some
|| sights if you go in the group therapy bit <cough> LOL.
|
| I have the same post-op friend, different name, different hospital,
| different surgeon and she's complaining about how the new Gender
| Recognition Bill (GerBil) will let all the "riff raff" through.
LOL
| This is where you have to think it through for yourself and come to a
| view about the various treatments available to TS folk and the
| attitudes that go with them.
Yes that's true. Well since Laura started calling me "Fuckbrit" I seem to have
acquired an attitude already somewhere along the line LOL
|| So I suppose I have a bit of a complex there about living up to this
|| "Real TS status" so I don't waste the time of the National Health
|| being one of those pesky trannies
|
| Perhaps, but it's no different to any other client who's attending for
| diagnosis before getting to the treatment stage.
That's True
| Just think of all those biopsies, smears and chest X rays carried out
| on a just in case basis. I'm having a blood test right now for my
| thyroxine level - should I not have it because we don't really know
| whether it's abnormal, do you think?
Well actually I think preventative medicine probably saves money really.
|
|| LOL. I really shouldn't be thinking like that. I have genuine issues
|| and a genuine need for therapy and so do many many others who may or
|| may not be strictly TS, so it's silly really.
|
| Right - and while you're at it, get rid of the other "shouldn't"
| that's crept in there. It sounds much better starting from "I have
| genuine issues and ........"
Yes that's true. I suppose they do try to put you off a bit though at the beginning
well my Local Health Authority was dragging it's feet a bit and reminding me of how
much it all costs. But I know at least two people in Cardiff who have had GRS at CX
so why should I not be entitled to treatment? I asked myself.
| [Tax]
| You are entitled and it's nothing to do with taxes - it's our
| definition of the word "civilization" and I happen to agree with "from
| each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs".
Yes that's a good point.
| [art college]
|
|| ....... made me a bit posh. Put ideas in my head above my station
|| LOL ;)
|
| Didn't make you TS though, did it?
I don't think so :) Although when I was there I was very quiet and into
Fundamentalist Christianity. The whole place was teaming with trannies and I never
noticed. I have met people years later who tell me everyone thought I was weird,
probably because I was too normal and seemed to be in a world of my own I was very
quiet in those days I must admit people used to say I didn't have a personality, and
in hindsight it does seem that before I came out as "T" and started living as a woman
I was very withdrawn. I suppose I was suppressing so much of my true self there
wasn't much left. I wish I had known back then what I know about myself now, course
these days it hard to shut me up, I'm making up for lost time I think :)
| [On the scene]
|| Well I have TS friends quite local, but I live in the middle of a
|| city, so I suppose that does give one the opportunity to meet others
|| similar to oneself.
|
| My nearby university town has about 20 TS folk but they're so busy
| being TS ......
:)
| [Knowing]
|| Well I think once you realise that it would have been better to be
|| born the right sex to start with there isn't a lot one can do but go
|| along the road to wherever it takes you.
|
| Exactly. It's the old saying that "I wouldn't start from there".
| Well, nor would I, but I wasn't even born when my hand was dealt and I
| can't just throw my cards in 'cos there's no new deal.
That's true. Although I think the Employment Service have something available called
the New Deal LOL
|
|| Well there doesn't seem much point in hanging about much longer, I'm
|| not getting any younger and we only live once.
|
| But you're not hanging around. You're thinking, exploring, learning
| and deciding. Just consider ...... this discussion didn't happen by
| accident. You started it and with a purpose that hopefully will be
| fulfilled.
|
| When you're ready you'll do what ever feels just right for you at that
| moment in time.
Yes that's a good point :)
ju...@nomail.com
>Hmmm, a 41...what does that translate to in American sizes?
Sorry, I've no idea - I'm a European.
It's an English 7.5 if that's any help and the largest or second
largest standard size stocked by most mainstream women's shoe shops in
the UK though some, serving mainly the younger market, now go up to 43
or UK 9.
>A lot of people need certain medications. There is nothing unethical about
>this.
and later
>There is nothing wrong with taking hormones. Ethically or otherwise.
You might think that, I might think it ...... but there are others who
do not and the expression of their views on what many would see as an
ethical or philosophical question is helpful to my own personal
development.
I seem to learn more by exploring uncertainties than from exposure to
absolute positions. Thus I have learned so much thanks to the
willingness and generosity with which Amanda has shared some part of
her journey.
Good luck with your new relationship. I'm finding the truth of Jackie
Collins' observation - The world is full of married men <sigh>.
Julia
Amanda Angelika
| Jennifer joined in -
|
| >Hmmm, a 41...what does that translate to in American sizes?
|
| Sorry, I've no idea - I'm a European.
|
| It's an English 7.5 if that's any help and the largest or second
| largest standard size stocked by most mainstream women's shoe shops in
| the UK though some, serving mainly the younger market, now go up to 43
| or UK 9.
This easy to follow Internationl shoe size conversion chart should help :)
http://www.dancesport.uk.com/shoes/conchart.htm
Actually I had to look up the European size and convert it to the English ones myself
EU41 is UK7.5 US10. I'm about EU40 UK6.5 US9. Well I think that's cleared that up,
not so keen on the Japanese sizes though, according to that I'm size 25 LOL
--
Amanda
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
AMaÑda AÑge1iKa ßerry
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
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----------------------------------------------------------
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Deb Marsh
> The trouble is I don't really want to give up LOL
Lie about it then - worked for me 8-)
Debs
Amanda Angelika
news:tinDb.199534$Ec1.7...@bgtnsc05-news.ops.worldnet.att.net
and didst say:
<g> I'm not very good at lying and it doesn't help when they use tactics like for
example "Have you got any Pets?" and when you are in mid sentence describing your cat
or whatever, ask "Have you given smoking yet?" I suppose I should answer with
something like "Life is Hell but it ain't that hot" or something equally Surreal, in
fact I think I did say something like that come to think of it, but it didn't work.
But as you say lying is probably my best bet really :)
--
Amanda
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
AMaÑda AÑge1iKa ßerry
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Web Design Folio - (shameless plug)
----------------------------------------------------------
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Market) www.kink-club.com (Cardiff's Premier Fetish, BDSM and tranny
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Jennifer Usher
<ju...@nomail.com> wrote in message
news:3fdd8b82...@news.ision.net.uk...
> Jennifer joined in -
>
> >Hmmm, a 41...what does that translate to in American sizes?
>
> Sorry, I've no idea - I'm a European.
I know European sizes are metric. American sizes...well, they are sort of
confusing.
> It's an English 7.5 if that's any help and the largest or second
> largest standard size stocked by most mainstream women's shoe shops in
> the UK though some, serving mainly the younger market, now go up to 43
> or UK 9.
I know English sizes are also different from American sizes also. Oh well,
not a big deal.
> >A lot of people need certain medications. There is nothing unethical
about
> >this.
>
> and later
>
> >There is nothing wrong with taking hormones. Ethically or otherwise.
>
> You might think that, I might think it ...... but there are others who
> do not and the expression of their views on what many would see as an
> ethical or philosophical question is helpful to my own personal
> development.
True...
> I seem to learn more by exploring uncertainties than from exposure to
> absolute positions. Thus I have learned so much thanks to the
> willingness and generosity with which Amanda has shared some part of
> her journey.
Good point....
> Good luck with your new relationship. I'm finding the truth of Jackie
> Collins' observation - The world is full of married men <sigh>.
I know. This guy has never married. I really like him. In fact, I am
sitting here waiting for him to call. We will probably go out again
tonight. Last night we visited some of the locations from the movie
Vertigo, which was shot here in San Francisco. The best was the door of the
apartment where Jimmy Stewart's character lived. It is still there, and
looks a lot like it did in 1953.
--
Jennifer Usher
Jennifer Usher
> Actually I had to look up the European size and convert it to the English
ones myself
> EU41 is UK7.5 US10. I'm about EU40 UK6.5 US9. Well I think that's cleared
that up,
> not so keen on the Japanese sizes though, according to that I'm size 25
LOL
Thanks. That is what I thought. I have one pair of flats from France that
are metric sized, and I think they are something like a 41 or so.
--
Jennifer Usher
Jennifer Usher
> <g> I'm not very good at lying and it doesn't help when they use tactics
like for
> example "Have you got any Pets?" and when you are in mid sentence
describing your cat
> or whatever, ask "Have you given smoking yet?" I suppose I should answer
with
> something like "Life is Hell but it ain't that hot" or something equally
Surreal, in
> fact I think I did say something like that come to think of it, but it
didn't work.
> But as you say lying is probably my best bet really :)
No, your best bet is to quit smoking. Lying would be a distant second.
--
Jennifer Usher
ju...@nomail.com
>I'm not very adventurous most of the time. I suppose I have a sort of casual look,
>which sort of suits me a long denim skirt a little black woollen cardy with a hood
>(very fashionable) and some denim deck shoes. But inspite of the fact that I don't
>dress over the top and dress to blend in as a woman. I don't suppose there will be a
>day in my life where I will not enjoy and appreciate being able to be myself without
>attracting undue attention.
I think I dress in what is called the "classic" style, aka a bit old
fashioned. I prefer straight skirts, heels, some make up etc. It
seems to keep me out of trouble - ah! perhaps that's what's wrong.
As you put it so much more eloquently than I would, the opportunity
simply to be is just so good.
>Well maybe I shouldn't mention my height. I'm fairly little :)
There was a time when I'd have felt envious but I've a friend (who in
the bad old days I used to fancy something rotten!) who's the same
height as me and she wears anything up to 4" heels and she's lovely.
It's taught me not to worry and I don't.
>I too have smallish feet UK 6-7 (40) which of course is well
>within off-the-peg women's shoes sizes.
This is such a boon. A TS friend takes a UK 10 and she finds buying
shoes very difficult and quite stressful.
[Smoking]
>I know some people who don't smoke or who have given up but not many,
>given the fact that I believe there may be more non-smokers than smokers about these
>days this is possibly unusual.
The official figures across the UK are, I believe, 78% non smokers,
22% smokers but please don't beat me up if they're wrong!
I think it's become very much a cultural and therefore a location
issue. Look, for example, at the cancer/heart attack figures for
Tyneside and Liverpool (probably Cardiff, too) to see what I mean.
The problem with this is that the laws are made in the South East,
where smoking is much less common and draconian laws could have a
serious effect on sub-communities within the country where smoking is
still commonplace.
But it's like the Euro, no matter what you or I think about it, it's a
question of when and not one of if. As an example, a PCT near to
where I live is opening discussions about limiting smoking in public
places in the town centre and a market town nearby is talking about
similar restrictions; this market town (Woodbridge, Suffolk) has a
very significant tourist trade that they must feel will not be damaged
by such a move.
Even more telling, I think, is the Government response to recent
medical requests to ban smoking in public - they didn't say yes or no,
they said it's "premature" which I took to mean "you stir up public
opinion enough and we'll follow".
It looks to me increasingly like an orchestrated campaign 'cos over
the last fortnight hardly a day has gone by without some survey or
study saying "stop".
[Hormones]
>Oh no, I wasn't putting it in terms of "ethics" in regard to TSs generally I was
>thinking more of my own personal decisions, not preaching.
Then I'm sorry. I misunderstood.
[Pill]
>Yes I saw a program about the Pill how it revolutionised sex in the 60s (the
>permissive generation) and yet was discovered to cause cancer in the 70s and 80s,
>because of the amount of hormones used. Course the program was presented from a
>Feminist angle and blamed Men for this.
I think this was at the time when scientists were supposed to be
trusted - why, we even found "a man came on to tell me just how white
my shirt could be" and they were assuring us that milligrams of a
substance "couldn't possibly do any harm". Later it became
"micrograms couldn't possibly .....", but you tell that to any parent
of a hyperactive child who got their hands on an orange drink
containing tartrazine.
It is, incidentally, why I choose to use the patch to supply my
oestrogen - the dose is measured in mcgs not mgs and the first pass
through the liver is eliminated.
It's the same argument about the safe level of radiation - always
being revised downward.
As for the 60s and the permissive generation - I was there! I know
'cos I can't remember! (who said that?)
[What's in a name]
>Yeah. Mind I suppose thorough assessment is necessary, you get people into things
>like "enforced feminisation" and fetishism and people who say they are full-time but
>live only P/T.
Sort of played with the "been there, done that" T shirt but only round
the edges. I found I didn't need it any more.
>I think it would be difficult to fool them, but people do apparently.
I'm sure - but is that of any account? Isn't it more important to
provide the right care for those who need it than to make one's
priority ensuring that fantasists don't slip through in to the
programme?
My instinct is that the issue is more one of fooling oneself rather
than fooling a gatekeeper. Anyway, no gatekeeper is ever infallible
and I'm broadly of the caveat emptor school on this one.
[Out/stealth debate]
>Yes I think one has to do what is right for oneself. It may sound selfish and lacking
>in political conscience to some to be "stealth", but then they have a different type
>of identity and must do what satisfies their needs, one cannot impose one persons
>needs on another.
I understand the academic argument that being stealth is selfish - we
should all be out there with our sandwich boards.
But there's another side to this too, there are plenty of people who
know me and my story and in that regard, just by being who I am, I am
moving the debate forward by influencing people at a one to one level
as are thousands of other TSs just like me and you, all across the
country. It's interesting to speculate which approach has the greater
effect.
[Watership Down]
I read it aloud to my kids and my then partner - as you say, a good
book. The song was the first song my son recognized and to us it will
always be "bunny song" - he was about two.
Thank you for the link - I'll be following it up.
[Getting treatment]
>Yes that's true. Well since Laura started calling me "Fuckbrit" I seem to have
>acquired an attitude already somewhere along the line LOL
When someone offers an opinion, I tend first to think how much I might
value an opinion emanating from that particular source.
>Well actually I think preventative medicine probably saves money really.
Just so. It has been suggested that enabling a TS to live a full and
active life is a net contribution to society so you've got some sort
of economic justification on your side if that makes it any easier.
>Yes that's true. I suppose they do try to put you off a bit though at the beginning
>well my Local Health Authority was dragging it's feet a bit and reminding me of how
>much it all costs. But I know at least two people in Cardiff who have had GRS at CX
>so why should I not be entitled to treatment? I asked myself.
Exactly. The trouble with our condition is that there is a fair
degree of well publicized fetishism and wishful thinking on the
periphery and so perhaps it's not too surprising if society says
"well, you're going to have to show some determination to get a place
in the queue" and that, in turn, rubs off on to the client who asks
herself "am I really?" and "do I deserve this?".
But I think it's no different to any other condition that is capable
of treatment - it goes with being part of a civilized society.
Would you say that's what you're doing? (The determination not the
fetishism <g>)
[Art college]
>I don't think so :) Although when I was there I was very quiet and into
>Fundamentalist Christianity. ........ I was very withdrawn. I suppose
>I was suppressing so much of my true self there wasn't much left.
The siren call of conviction can be very persuasive to those who are
not willing or ready to explore and to take responsibility for
themselves. Just letting someone else "tell" you can be easy if
ultimately unfulfilling.
But again, that's just another episode that's in the past rather than
the present - you wouldn't be who or what you are without the marks
from the journey so far.
So I'm just wondering where things are for you now.
Julia
Amanda Angelika
news:EeyDb.6483$Pg1....@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net
and didst say:
Yes that makes sense, that would be 7.5 in UK sizes. Actually that chart is very
useful. I know from my own experience UK shops and shoe manufactures will sometimes
round off the figures up or down when doing size conversions for shoe labeling. Which
probably explains why a UK size 6 will fit me fine when it's and EU40 but not so well
when its an EU39. Mind I have bought sandals that are an EU39 before now and
according to that chart that's only UK5.5 but in practice one seems to find that they
will round a UK size 6 down to an EU39 on occassions so that probably expains that.
It's confusing though :)
ju...@nomail.com
>I know. This guy has never married. I really like him. In fact, I am
>sitting here waiting for him to call.
Oh well, someone has to be lucky - good for you. My train will come
along one day.
> Last night we visited some of the locations from the movie
>Vertigo, which was shot here in San Francisco.
My abiding memory of the place is that we always seemed to need to be
at other end of El Camino Real from where we were. I was working
briefly in Palo Alto and, apart from a stop off at Stanford, I think
the only thing I ever saw was that wretched road.
Julia
ju...@nomail.com
>No, your best bet is to quit smoking. Lying would be a distant second.
I think stopping is a choice that she may or may not make but I do
agree that lying seems simply to confuse the relationship.
Anyway, a non-smoker can always tell but the smoker doesn't realize
this. It's not about the breath, but the clothes, the hair, just
walking into the room .........
Julia
Amanda Angelika
news:EeyDb.6484$Pg1....@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net
and didst say:
Yes that's the sensible attitude I suppose.
But I'm not going to want to give up as a response to what is basically blackmail and
even if I did give up for a while just to get hormones off them, it is very likely
that I would just start back up again as soon as I get them.
Really speaking they have warned me of the health risks and it should be up to me to
really whether I give up or not, at the end of the day I'm adult I don't really
appreciate being patronised and treated like some sort of mental incompetent just
because I happen to think I'm a woman.
In fact if anything it would harm my self esteem to submit to such blackmail, at
least lying might enable me to get the hormones and keep my self respect :)
So I think in this instance lying and persistence are definitely the best bet
otherwise they might think I'm being submissive or something LOL ;) Well to be honest
I think there's a hidden agenda in everything they ask me. I quite enjoy it really
it's like playing chess.
Last time I left I said to my Therapist "course you know I'm quite mad don't you?..Oh
I'm not supposed to tell you that am I!? LOL" it made here smile anyway. Actually it
was quite a good session and actually went over time well I think its only supposed
to last about half an hour but lasted more like an hour so was quite good really I
think we both enjoyed it :)
Jennifer Usher
> | Thanks. That is what I thought. I have one pair of flats from
> | France that are metric sized, and I think they are something like a
> | 41 or so.
>
> Yes that makes sense, that would be 7.5 in UK sizes. Actually that chart
is very
> useful. I know from my own experience UK shops and shoe manufactures will
sometimes
> round off the figures up or down when doing size conversions for shoe
labeling. Which
> probably explains why a UK size 6 will fit me fine when it's and EU40 but
not so well
> when its an EU39. Mind I have bought sandals that are an EU39 before now
and
> according to that chart that's only UK5.5 but in practice one seems to
find that they
> will round a UK size 6 down to an EU39 on occassions so that probably
expains that.
> It's confusing though :)
I used to sell shoes, and some of them were labeled for several systems, but
most had only American sizes. The American system is a bit convoluted. Men
and women have different size systems. Childrens shoes are based on the
men's system which means that when a girl reaches the point where she has to
wear women's shoes her size usually jumps up a bit numerically, which can be
very confusing. It also gets confusing when a woman has small enough feet
wear a girls size, which is sometimes a good way to save money, especially
with athletic shoes.
--
Jennifer Usher
Jennifer Usher
<ju...@nomail.com> wrote in message
news:3fdf1ecd....@news.ision.net.uk...
> Jennifer wrote:
>
> >I know. This guy has never married. I really like him. In fact, I am
> >sitting here waiting for him to call.
>
> Oh well, someone has to be lucky - good for you. My train will come
> along one day.
I am not sure where we are going, but yes, he is a prize catch. The only
real drawback is that he is slightly shorter than me. But he is very good
looking, sort of a cross between Pacino and deNiro. And beautiful brown
eyes. I know this. If he asked, I would marry him in a heartbeat.
> > Last night we visited some of the locations from the movie
> >Vertigo, which was shot here in San Francisco.
>
> My abiding memory of the place is that we always seemed to need to be
> at other end of El Camino Real from where we were. I was working
> briefly in Palo Alto and, apart from a stop off at Stanford, I think
> the only thing I ever saw was that wretched road.
Ah, that is further down South. I love the City. This place is home for
me. I am going back to Alabama for 25 days, and I am dreading it. Yes, I
want to see my daughter, and be there for the birth of my grandaughter. I
have friends I haven't seen in over a year. And there are several places I
am longing to eat at. But over three weeks without cable cars, sourdough
bread, and Coit Tower...it will be hard.
--
Jennifer Usher
Jennifer Usher
<ju...@nomail.com> wrote in message
news:3fdf1ee3....@news.ision.net.uk...
> Jennifer commented:
>
> >No, your best bet is to quit smoking. Lying would be a distant second.
>
> I think stopping is a choice that she may or may not make but I do
> agree that lying seems simply to confuse the relationship.
Smoking and hormones are not a good combination. It simply compounds the
risks of a heart attack.
> Anyway, a non-smoker can always tell but the smoker doesn't realize
> this. It's not about the breath, but the clothes, the hair, just
> walking into the room .........
That is true.
--
Jennifer Usher
Amanda Angelika
and didst say:
Well the UK sizes are not quite so complicated, men and women's shoes more or less
follow the same pattern and according to that conversion chart more or less follow
the US men's sizes within 1/2 a size eg a UK6.5 = male US7. In practice though I
would say men's shoe sizes do seem to differ from women's sizes since I used to be a
7 in men's shoes but of course tended to wear socks in those days and rarely wore
slip-on shoes or sandals I found out quite early on though, that with some women's
shoe styles I'm a UK6 and in others such as boots it's better to go for a UK7. This
of course makes it even more confusing :)
Amanda Angelika
news:caODb.7688$0s2....@newsread2.news.pas.earthlink.net
and didst say:
Maybe you could pack a hamper and pinch a cable car "Come in car 49 ...Car 49...?"
LOL ;)
--
Amanda
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
AMaÑda AÑge1iKa ßerry
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Web Design Folio - (shameless plug)
----------------------------------------------------------
www.artberry.net or www.angelika.me.uk (own site)
www.cheapaschips.cc *NEW*(Roberts Emporium - Cardiff's finest Flea
Market) www.kink-club.com (Cardiff's Premier Fetish, BDSM and tranny
party venue)
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Helen Smith
Angelika <manic...@hotmail.com> writes
>I think there's a hidden agenda in everything they ask me. I quite
>enjoy it really
>it's like playing chess.
>
Well then, tell her you're not a Queen, you don't bash the Bishop and
don't like being the Pawn in her game!
--
Helen :>
ju...@nomail.com
>I am not sure where we are going, but yes, he is a prize catch. The only
>real drawback is that he is slightly shorter than me.
Doesn't this go with our journey. At 6' 2" plus heels, if I limited
myself to men taller than me (say 6' 6") then I'd never get anywhere -
mind you, I'm not getting anywhere any way <g>.
>If he asked, I would marry him in a heartbeat.
Just don't let him know that - or is it too late? And good luck with
him.
>I am going back to Alabama for 25 days, and I am dreading it. Yes, I
>want to see my daughter, and be there for the birth of my grandaughter.
Um, but think if you were not welcome there - enjoy what you have.
My children (25 & 23) seem reasonably content to see me intermittently
on a one to one basis but not so keen to welcome me into their social
groupings.
But they're still my children.
Julia
ju...@nomail.com
>Smoking and hormones are not a good combination. It simply compounds the
>risks of a heart attack.
What you say is true but lots of people do smoke and it is a legal
activity. So it comes down to personal choice and Amanda is starting
from the position that she smokes and enjoys doing so.
I mind CX is playing such a blatant power game in this - it's bad
enough coming to terms with being TS in the first place that one
doesn't need even more hurdles placed in one's way, especially at the
beginning.
If we started down the road of "what's good for one", then we'd finish
up banning most prepared foods and drinks on the basis of their salt,
sugar, MSG and alcohol content etc etc and one then is faced with the
question of "who decides what is ok and what is not".
I don't like the habit but, within what is legal, people have the
right to choose.
Julia
Amanda Angelika
news:Jv$OZ7CGOB4$Ew...@exwick.demon.co.uk
and didst say:
LOL That's a good idea ;)
Deb Marsh
news:EeyDb.6484$Pg1....@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net...
> No, your best bet is to quit smoking. Lying would be a distant second.
Aha! the Habit Police position. 16+ years of HRT and ciggies and I haven't
dropped dead yet. (Nothing like tempting fate though eh?)
Give your tall black hat a bit of a brush and press that large white collar.
Lying is often expedient and, let's be fair about this, a practice which few
of us are strangers to eh?
Do what you have to do. Harm no other in the process. Don't adhere to
foreign or imposed moralities unless there is something in it for ya.
Lord! Ain't life hard enough already? Smile and store a few vices up your
sleeve
to keep the tedium at bay.
Debs 8-)
Jennifer Usher
> | No, your best bet is to quit smoking. Lying would be a distant
> | second.
>
> Yes that's the sensible attitude I suppose.
>
> But I'm not going to want to give up as a response to what is basically
blackmail and
> even if I did give up for a while just to get hormones off them, it is
very likely
> that I would just start back up again as soon as I get them.
There is only one good reason to give up smoking. And that is because you
want to live a longer, healthier life.
> Really speaking they have warned me of the health risks and it should be
up to me to
> really whether I give up or not, at the end of the day I'm adult I don't
really
> appreciate being patronised and treated like some sort of mental
incompetent just
> because I happen to think I'm a woman.
I agree. They should not patronize you, or try to blackmail you. Even if
you are doing something that is rather foolish. <g>
> In fact if anything it would harm my self esteem to submit to such
blackmail, at
> least lying might enable me to get the hormones and keep my self respect
:)
My former doctor would simply ask me if I was still smoking, how much, and
then say "You know you should quit." Well, one visit I got to tell her, "I
have quit." She never nagged me, and she knew that was the best approach.
She was a good doctor, and I miss her a lot.
> So I think in this instance lying and persistence are definitely the best
bet
> otherwise they might think I'm being submissive or something LOL ;) Well
to be honest
> I think there's a hidden agenda in everything they ask me. I quite enjoy
it really
> it's like playing chess.
That is rather sad. Getting treatment should not be a game.
> Last time I left I said to my Therapist "course you know I'm quite mad
don't you?..Oh
> I'm not supposed to tell you that am I!? LOL" it made here smile anyway.
Actually it
> was quite a good session and actually went over time well I think its only
supposed
> to last about half an hour but lasted more like an hour so was quite good
really I
> think we both enjoyed it :)
I had an experience like that. My doctor referred me to a
nurse-practitioner who did some counseling of transsexuals. We talked for
over two hours (this was supposed to be a one hour session) and then she
told me she was not even going to charge me for it.
--
Jennifer Usher
Jennifer Usher
> Well the UK sizes are not quite so complicated, men and women's shoes more
or less
> follow the same pattern and according to that conversion chart more or
less follow
> the US men's sizes within 1/2 a size eg a UK6.5 = male US7. In practice
though I
> would say men's shoe sizes do seem to differ from women's sizes since I
used to be a
> 7 in men's shoes but of course tended to wear socks in those days and
rarely wore
> slip-on shoes or sandals I found out quite early on though, that with some
women's
> shoe styles I'm a UK6 and in others such as boots it's better to go for a
UK7. This
> of course makes it even more confusing :)
Shoe sizes are not very standardized. One company might run big, and
another might run small. Sometimes they are not consistent within their own
lines.
--
Jennifer Usher
Jennifer Usher
> Maybe you could pack a hamper and pinch a cable car "Come in car 49 ...Car
49...?"
> LOL ;)
Well, that might be a bit hard. They run on tracks like a train...and then
you would have the pinch the miles of cable, and the system to run it
underground.
I rode one this afternoon. It was a lovely day, and I was standing on the
side (sort of a running board). That is the best way to ride one,
especially on the line that goes down a hill towards Fisherman's Wharf. The
view is breathtaking!
--
Jennifer Usher
Jennifer Usher
<ju...@nomail.com> wrote in message
news:3fe04026....@news.ision.net.uk...
> Jennifer advised:
>
> >Smoking and hormones are not a good combination. It simply compounds the
> >risks of a heart attack.
>
> What you say is true but lots of people do smoke and it is a legal
> activity. So it comes down to personal choice and Amanda is starting
> from the position that she smokes and enjoys doing so.
I know...
> I mind CX is playing such a blatant power game in this - it's bad
> enough coming to terms with being TS in the first place that one
> doesn't need even more hurdles placed in one's way, especially at the
> beginning.
I agree, they are out of line.
> If we started down the road of "what's good for one", then we'd finish
> up banning most prepared foods and drinks on the basis of their salt,
> sugar, MSG and alcohol content etc etc and one then is faced with the
> question of "who decides what is ok and what is not".
True. Something we discussed in nutrition class. Not so much the idea of
banning them, but that they are not part of a healthy diet, especially for
someone who is on a low-sodium diet.
> I don't like the habit but, within what is legal, people have the
> right to choose.
Yes, and Charing Cross is overstepping what is proper. But I can see their
point of view concerning the health risks. But no, they should not play
games like this.
--
Jennifer Usher
Jennifer Usher
<ju...@nomail.com> wrote in message
news:3fe03f7c....@news.ision.net.uk...
> Jennifer wrote:
>
> >I am not sure where we are going, but yes, he is a prize catch. The only
> >real drawback is that he is slightly shorter than me.
>
> Doesn't this go with our journey. At 6' 2" plus heels, if I limited
> myself to men taller than me (say 6' 6") then I'd never get anywhere -
> mind you, I'm not getting anywhere any way <g>.
I know, though I am only 5'10"...
> >If he asked, I would marry him in a heartbeat.
>
> Just don't let him know that - or is it too late? And good luck with
> him.
No, I learned that lesson before. I am letting things go along at their own
pace.
> >I am going back to Alabama for 25 days, and I am dreading it. Yes, I
> >want to see my daughter, and be there for the birth of my grandaughter.
>
> Um, but think if you were not welcome there - enjoy what you have.
True.
> My children (25 & 23) seem reasonably content to see me intermittently
> on a one to one basis but not so keen to welcome me into their social
> groupings.
>
> But they're still my children.
I realize that the reason I am dreading it, and part of the reason that I
love here so much, is that here, in San Francisco, I have never been anyone
but me. My past history of attempting to be a man, and failing miserably,
does not exist.
--
Jennifer Usher
Jennifer Usher
"Deb Marsh" <raptor...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:QJ_Db.473958$0v4.21...@bgtnsc04-news.ops.worldnet.att.net...
> "Jennifer Usher" <jenni...@earthlink.net> wrote in message
> news:EeyDb.6484$Pg1....@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net...
>
> > No, your best bet is to quit smoking. Lying would be a distant second.
>
> Aha! the Habit Police position. 16+ years of HRT and ciggies and I haven't
> dropped dead yet. (Nothing like tempting fate though eh?)
So? You have an increased risk. You may well die of something else, but
you may also have shortened your life. I agree, it's your choice. Just not
a very smart one.
> Give your tall black hat a bit of a brush and press that large white
collar.
>
> Lying is often expedient and, let's be fair about this, a practice which
few
> of us are strangers to eh?
Of course. But lying to one's doctor is usually not that good an idea.
> Do what you have to do. Harm no other in the process. Don't adhere to
> foreign or imposed moralities unless there is something in it for ya.
The issue is not one of morality.
> Lord! Ain't life hard enough already? Smile and store a few vices up your
> sleeve
> to keep the tedium at bay.
Yes, dying early does tend to end the boredom.
--
Jennifer Usher
ju...@nomail.com
aimed at the older market I might add, so not for me!
We found that sizes varied according to whether the lasts and hence
the shoes were made in the UK (some were), Italy (boots), the Indian
sub-continent or South America, so it's no great surprise that one
takes a 6 in this and a 7 in that.
The other thing we found was that half sizes sold significantly less
than half the sum of the whole sizes on either side and this was
simply because of the number of retailers who just would not stock the
half sizes. Moral - go to a decent retailer to get the selection and
keep half sizes in the catalogue.
Julia (UK 7.5)
ju...@nomail.com
>I realize that the reason I am dreading it, and part of the reason that I
>love here so much, is that here, in San Francisco, I have never been anyone
>but me. My past history of attempting to be a man, and failing miserably,
>does not exist.
Do tell us how you got on when you get back.
You're very brave just to make the attempt and it has to be worth
doing all you can to keep the links working. I'll not be having any
more children and I don't suppose you will either so we have to make
the best of those we've already got and, poor kids, they have to make
the best of us as parents, too.
Julia
Jennifer Usher
<ju...@nomail.com> wrote in message
news:3fe1cc7e....@news.ision.net.uk...
> I did an assignment for a well known up market ladies shoe maker -
> aimed at the older market I might add, so not for me!
No, I don't go for the older look myself.
> We found that sizes varied according to whether the lasts and hence
> the shoes were made in the UK (some were), Italy (boots), the Indian
> sub-continent or South America, so it's no great surprise that one
> takes a 6 in this and a 7 in that.
Yes, I know of one style that got just a bit smaller when they went from
being made in Brazil, to being made in China.
> The other thing we found was that half sizes sold significantly less
> than half the sum of the whole sizes on either side and this was
> simply because of the number of retailers who just would not stock the
> half sizes. Moral - go to a decent retailer to get the selection and
> keep half sizes in the catalogue.
Yes, some styles jump up whole sizes, and some places just don't carry
half-sizes. A lot of casual styles simply do not come in half sizes
anymore. Especially the cheaper ones.
--
Jennifer Usher
> Julia (UK 7.5)
Jennifer Usher
<ju...@nomail.com> wrote in message
news:3fe1cd08....@news.ision.net.uk...
> Jennifer noted
>
> >I realize that the reason I am dreading it, and part of the reason that I
> >love here so much, is that here, in San Francisco, I have never been
anyone
> >but me. My past history of attempting to be a man, and failing
miserably,
> >does not exist.
>
> Do tell us how you got on when you get back.
Oh, I will be in touch the whole time. My trusty lap-top will travel with
me.
> You're very brave just to make the attempt and it has to be worth
> doing all you can to keep the links working. I'll not be having any
> more children and I don't suppose you will either so we have to make
> the best of those we've already got and, poor kids, they have to make
> the best of us as parents, too.
After several years of hormones I doubt I could have one if I wanted to.
And yet, I have also found out that my biological clock works just fine. I
mourn not having a child to which I would be mom. I guess one of my
fantasies, which is not likely to happen, would be for my boyfriend to marry
me, we hire a surrogate mother, and I get my very own crumb cruncher to
raise. My grandchild gets an aunt or uncle, my daughter gets a sister, and
I get to what I really want..
--
Jennifer Usher
> Julia
Amanda Angelika
news:3fded1f1....@news.ision.net.uk
and didst say:
| Amanda wrote
|
|| I'm not very adventurous most of the time. I suppose I have a sort
|| of casual look, which sort of suits me a long denim skirt a little
|| black woollen cardy with a hood (very fashionable) and some denim
|| deck shoes. But inspite of the fact that I don't dress over the top
|| and dress to blend in as a woman. I don't suppose there will be a
|| day in my life where I will not enjoy and appreciate being able to
|| be myself without attracting undue attention.
|
| I think I dress in what is called the "classic" style, aka a bit old
| fashioned. I prefer straight skirts, heels, some make up etc. It
| seems to keep me out of trouble - ah! perhaps that's what's wrong.
:) Classic styles are good, it means you can buy good stuff and know it won't go out
of fashion. That said I don't think classic styles suit everyone. I think if one is
fairly tall and thin they are great. But I'm sort of short and round. I know a friend
of mine who is TS was giving me some advice on what I should wear the first time I
went to CX, she suggested some penny loafers. So I went into town and tried some on,
but found they just seemed to look a bit odd on me. In the end I bought some loafers,
but instead of being flat they had quite chunky low platform wedge style heels, but
they suited me quite well, even if they are a bit of a teenage style, but actually
quite young sort of chunky androgynous styles do seem to suit me whereas more dainty
shoes might not work so well. Well I used to wear black Doc Martin boots with a long
black dress (sort of gothic style) without attracting the wrong sort of attention ;)
| As you put it so much more eloquently than I would, the opportunity
| simply to be is just so good.
Yes :)
|| Well maybe I shouldn't mention my height. I'm fairly little :)
|
| There was a time when I'd have felt envious but I've a friend (who in
| the bad old days I used to fancy something rotten!) who's the same
| height as me and she wears anything up to 4" heels and she's lovely.
| It's taught me not to worry and I don't.
Best way to be :)
|
|| I too have smallish feet UK 6-7 (40) which of course is well
|| within off-the-peg women's shoes sizes.
|
| This is such a boon. A TS friend takes a UK 10 and she finds buying
| shoes very difficult and quite stressful.
Yes it's a shame they don't make a nice range in bigger sizes. I suppose there are
places that cater for women with larger feet, but I dare say they are expensive. But
generally apart from things like trainers and doc Martin boots which tend to be a bit
androgynous the only other popular source of larger sizes tends to be fetish shops,
which are fine if you want a pair of thigh length boots or 6" heel stilettos but not
so
good for normal styles. The other thing of course the proportions of some styles only
work within a certain size range which again can cause problems.
|
| [Smoking]
|| I know some people who don't smoke or who have given up but not many,
|| given the fact that I believe there may be more non-smokers than
|| smokers about these days this is possibly unusual.
|
| The official figures across the UK are, I believe, 78% non smokers,
| 22% smokers but please don't beat me up if they're wrong!
That's interesting. Mind you wonder how many people lie about that. I know a friend
of mine smokes and was saying whenever he has a medical in work, or has to fill in a
survey form he always says say's he doesn't smoke, it seems a lot of people lie about
that so one would imagine the figures could be quite inaccurate and the true figure
could be more 50/50 or even totally the other way around, it's hard to say :)
| I think it's become very much a cultural and therefore a location
| issue. Look, for example, at the cancer/heart attack figures for
| Tyneside and Liverpool (probably Cardiff, too) to see what I mean.
| The problem with this is that the laws are made in the South East,
| where smoking is much less common and draconian laws could have a
| serious effect on sub-communities within the country where smoking is
| still commonplace.
Well yes that's a fair point.
| But it's like the Euro, no matter what you or I think about it, it's a
| question of when and not one of if. As an example, a PCT near to
| where I live is opening discussions about limiting smoking in public
| places in the town centre and a market town nearby is talking about
| similar restrictions; this market town (Woodbridge, Suffolk) has a
| very significant tourist trade that they must feel will not be damaged
| by such a move.
|
| Even more telling, I think, is the Government response to recent
| medical requests to ban smoking in public - they didn't say yes or no,
| they said it's "premature" which I took to mean "you stir up public
| opinion enough and we'll follow".
|
| It looks to me increasingly like an orchestrated campaign 'cos over
| the last fortnight hardly a day has gone by without some survey or
| study saying "stop".
Yes but governments always do that as an excuse and justification to put tax up on
cigarettes, this is their main concern I think (budget time coming up soon).
As to making it illegal. I think it's very unlikely, it would create a whole crime
subculture in the same way as drink Prohibition did in the US. One would end up with
Smoke-easies and people being arrested for growing tobacco in window boxes LOL. If
they think dope is problem, they've seen nothing. One would just end up with total
civil disobedience, it would also make smoking more attractive to the young, so I
think it would be a political and social disaster, it just won't work ;)
| [Hormones]
|| Oh no, I wasn't putting it in terms of "ethics" in regard to TSs
|| generally I was thinking more of my own personal decisions, not
|| preaching.
|
| Then I'm sorry. I misunderstood.
That's OK. I'm not really one to preach to other people or base their needs on mine,
it doesn't work and is basically why most most people disagree with Laura at some
point ;)
|
| [Pill]
|
|| Yes I saw a program about the Pill how it revolutionised sex in the
|| 60s (the permissive generation) and yet was discovered to cause
|| cancer in the 70s and 80s, because of the amount of hormones used.
|| Course the program was presented from a Feminist angle and blamed
|| Men for this.
|
| I think this was at the time when scientists were supposed to be
| trusted - why, we even found "a man came on to tell me just how white
| my shirt could be" and they were assuring us that milligrams of a
| substance "couldn't possibly do any harm". Later it became
| "micrograms couldn't possibly .....", but you tell that to any parent
| of a hyperactive child who got their hands on an orange drink
| containing tartrazine.
LOL;)
| It is, incidentally, why I choose to use the patch to supply my
| oestrogen - the dose is measured in mcgs not mgs and the first pass
| through the liver is eliminated.
Oh well I could have stereo patches nicotine on one arm and hormones on the other :)
| It's the same argument about the safe level of radiation - always
| being revised downward.
Yes well one thing is certain something causes us to die off eventually. I always
like my grandmother's attitude, one of her sayings was "We all eat a speck of dirt
before we die" ;) . I wish I'd met her properly really, she died when I was only 18
months old, (8 children 5 miscarriages and chronic asthma) but I seem to have
inherited something of her sense of humour I think :)
| As for the 60s and the permissive generation - I was there! I know
| 'cos I can't remember! (who said that?)
LOL.
| [What's in a name]
|
|| Yeah. Mind I suppose thorough assessment is necessary, you get
|| people into things like "enforced feminisation" and fetishism and
|| people who say they are full-time but live only P/T.
|
| Sort of played with the "been there, done that" T shirt but only round
| the edges. I found I didn't need it any more.
Yes I think we all go through phases and stages. If I'm honest, I used to like
looking at pictures of shemales, but seem to be repulsed by the offending member
these days and think they would look a lot better if they had SRS. (Or at least put
it away) Which would sort of defeat the object I suppose LOL
|
|| I think it would be difficult to fool them, but people do apparently.
|
| I'm sure - but is that of any account? Isn't it more important to
| provide the right care for those who need it than to make one's
| priority ensuring that fantasists don't slip through in to the
| programme?
|
| My instinct is that the issue is more one of fooling oneself rather
| than fooling a gatekeeper. Anyway, no gatekeeper is ever infallible
| and I'm broadly of the caveat emptor school on this one.
Yes I agree there
| [Out/stealth debate]
|
|| Yes I think one has to do what is right for oneself. It may sound
|| selfish and lacking in political conscience to some to be "stealth",
|| but then they have a different type of identity and must do what
|| satisfies their needs, one cannot impose one persons needs on
|| another.
|
| I understand the academic argument that being stealth is selfish - we
| should all be out there with our sandwich boards.
Well some of us are, Even if Armageddon is more interesting than being TS to some
<cough> ;)
| But there's another side to this too, there are plenty of people who
| know me and my story and in that regard, just by being who I am, I am
| moving the debate forward by influencing people at a one to one level
| as are thousands of other TSs just like me and you, all across the
| country. It's interesting to speculate which approach has the greater
| effect.
Yes very true. I find I don't mind people knowing if they get to know me. It's mainly
strangers and first impressions that concern me. I fear that knowing I'm TG/TS might
colour their whole perception of me before they get to know me and I would rather
have my womanhood colour their perception of be from the beginning.
| [Watership Down]
|
| I read it aloud to my kids and my then partner - as you say, a good
| book. The song was the first song my son recognized and to us it will
| always be "bunny song" - he was about two.
|
| Thank you for the link - I'll be following it up.
Actually now you come to say (apart from reading it myself) I read Watership Down out
loud to my Mother after my father died suddenly in 1984. I think we were both in such
a state, particularly my mother it was good therapy and something to look forward to.
I'd almost forgotten all about that shows the state I was in to I suppose. My mother
mentioned it the other day though and it came back to me.
| [Getting treatment]
|
|| Yes that's true. Well since Laura started calling me "Fuckbrit" I
|| seem to have acquired an attitude already somewhere along the line
|| LOL
|
| When someone offers an opinion, I tend first to think how much I might
| value an opinion emanating from that particular source.
Yes, that's true :)
|| Well actually I think preventative medicine probably saves money
|| really.
|
| Just so. It has been suggested that enabling a TS to live a full and
| active life is a net contribution to society so you've got some sort
| of economic justification on your side if that makes it any easier.
Well yes if I'm honest although I have always been an artist. I have experience long
periods of unemployment and social difficulties to that made it difficult to
integrating into a work environment where people are very gender conforming, I've
also experienced direct and quite blatant discrimination in the past not through
crossdressing so much as being perceived as "gay" I have always been quite "feminine"
and seen as "different" and in the past it was something I found difficult to
understand, it made me very withdrawn to. This seems to be changing. I'm also finding
other opportunities opening up I didn't seem to know existed before. In a way the
fact that I have been transitioning and been receiving treatment does seem to be
making a difference. I seem to be waking up really after a very long sleep, it's
strange. I suppose the other thing that strikes me is one doesn't actually realise
how heavily gender issues have impacted your life until you start coming out of the
woods
|| Yes that's true. I suppose they do try to put you off a bit though
|| at the beginning well my Local Health Authority was dragging it's
|| feet a bit and reminding me of how much it all costs. But I know at
|| least two people in Cardiff who have had GRS at CX so why should I
|| not be entitled to treatment? I asked myself.
|
| Exactly. The trouble with our condition is that there is a fair
| degree of well publicized fetishism and wishful thinking on the
| periphery and so perhaps it's not too surprising if society says
| "well, you're going to have to show some determination to get a place
| in the queue" and that, in turn, rubs off on to the client who asks
| herself "am I really?" and "do I deserve this?".
Yes that's very true
| But I think it's no different to any other condition that is capable
| of treatment - it goes with being part of a civilized society.
Yes and of course even "sexual" problems sometimes need therapy and there is a whole
branch of counselling devoted to that, and of course "transsexuality" or gender
dysphoria can cause problems in a number of areas to.
| Would you say that's what you're doing? (The determination not the
| fetishism <g>)
Well I think I would have given up by now and even if there is some fetishism, there
are definitely issues that run much deeper, right back to childhood really. I seemed
to think I was the wrong sex even then, on occasions, and there were a lot of
situations where I seemed to be "different".
I considered faking my own death at 8 and wonderered if I could come back to school
as a girl (as a fictional cousin) I had it all planned how I would hide a dress in
the shrubbery in the park (so my parents wouldn't find out) and change sex on the way
to school every morning. I never did it, but was an entertaining idea at the same LOL
;) I also used to prey to Devil that my feet wouldn't grow too big so I could wear my
mother's shoes, and hope that passing aliens would beam me up and give me a
miraculous sex change and sort of shift reality and the time continuum enough so that
no one would notice LOL I also wondered if there was an opposite universe where I was
a girl and if I closed my eyes and tried hard enough I wondered if I could wake up in
that reality, it almost seemed to work for a while until it wore off like giddiness
and I landed back on planet earth.
| [Art college]
|| I don't think so :) Although when I was there I was very quiet and
|| into Fundamentalist Christianity. ........ I was very withdrawn. I
|| suppose I was suppressing so much of my true self there wasn't much
|| left.
|
| The siren call of conviction can be very persuasive to those who are
| not willing or ready to explore and to take responsibility for
| themselves. Just letting someone else "tell" you can be easy if
| ultimately unfulfilling.
|
| But again, that's just another episode that's in the past rather than
| the present - you wouldn't be who or what you are without the marks
| from the journey so far.
Well there seems to be a lot of innocence involved in this journey. Like as a child
you don't know why you are being bullied or you feel isolated and are different to
others and even in adulthood it takes time, It's only in hindsight that things seem
to become clearer.
| So I'm just wondering where things are for you now.
Well yes it's also important to interpret ones past experiences with an open mind to,
until one knows for certain what one is.
Jennifer Usher
<putyoursp...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:ncc8uvg8kkiofd83k...@4ax.com...
> On Thu, 18 Dec 2003 14:49:39 GMT, "Jennifer Usher"
> <jenni...@earthlink.net> wrote:
>
> >There is only one good reason to give up smoking. And that is because
you
> >want to live a longer, healthier life.
>
>
> You care about the health of your non-smoking friends and loved ones,
> especially those living with you.
>
> You work in a dangerous environment and going to a designated safe
> smoking area is an inconvenience and decreases your productivity
>
> You don't want people to smell tobacco on you, in your clothes or hair,
> or see nicotine stained teeth or fingernails
>
> You could do without ashtrays all over the place.
>
> You have better things to spend all that money on... like a new (Ho ho
> ho! Merry Christmas!) wig for Helen :o\
Yes, those are all good reasons. And I might add, you get tired of burning
holes in your favorite clothes. It happened to me more than once. Very
upsetting.
--
Jennifer Usher
Amanda Angelika
and didst say:
Oh gosh, tell me about it...Now that is a good reason. I only noticed last night I
have burnt a hole in my favourite Denim Skirt :( Still at least it's only a small
hole and you can get away with holes in Denim and there's always darning, but I'd
rather not really. So that is a good reason to give up. :)
--
Amanda
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AMaÑda AÑge1iKa ßerry
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Jennifer Usher
> | Yes, those are all good reasons. And I might add, you get tired of
> | burning holes in your favorite clothes. It happened to me more than
> | once. Very upsetting.
>
> Oh gosh, tell me about it...Now that is a good reason. I only noticed last
night I
> have burnt a hole in my favourite Denim Skirt :( Still at least it's only
a small
> hole and you can get away with holes in Denim and there's always darning,
but I'd
> rather not really. So that is a good reason to give up. :)
I know what you mean. I have had some nice things that ended up with a
hole. It is one reason I am glad that I quit.
Jennifer
ju...@nomail.com
>:) Classic styles are good, it means you can buy good stuff and know it won't go out
>of fashion.
No, it's me that's out of fashion!
I'm with you on absolutely flat shoes - they just don't work - except
for serious walking and on the boat. Some sort of heel seems to make
such a difference.
[Smoking]
>Yes but governments always do that as an excuse and justification to put tax up on
>cigarettes,
Um, but there's such an organized smuggling racket into the UK now
that I think the greater differential between UK and mainland prices
only serves to make such a trade ever more lucrative and diminishes
the Chancellor's income.
This, coincidentally, is the living proof that a convergent tax system
in the EU is also in the "when" rather than the "if" category.
>I think it's very unlikely, it would create a whole crime
>subculture in the same way as drink Prohibition did in the US.
I agree with you completely - it's going to be the softly, softly
approach as, for example, with the relatively recent ban on smoking in
Pizza Hut places.
[Pill]
>Oh well I could have stereo patches nicotine on one arm and hormones on the other :)
Not from CX as I understand it. They only dish out pills as far as I
know.
[Out/stealth debate]
>I have experience long periods of unemployment and social difficulties
>that made it difficult to integrating .......... I've also experienced direct and
>quite blatant discrimination in the past not through crossdressing so much
>as being perceived as "gay"....... it made me very withdrawn to.
This is such a common problem, wouldn't you say. I think it's also at
the heart of the out/stealth debate. Given the prejudice and
difficulty that we encounter on an every day basis and in such an
unthinking way, it is, for some, easier simply to live and move in the
shadow world of the "different" and then proclaim to society at large
that "I never wanted to be in your gang anyway".
But while that logic has a siren sound, it doesn't satify me. I
didn't go through all this simply to move in the shadow world. I did
it so I could take my place, rightfully and easily, in the mainstream
(doesn't mean I have to vote Tory, of course!). There's a lot of
knocks along the way but it's what I'm doing, it's what I deserve and
I'll be satisfied with nothing less. I feel I "hear" the same
struggle within your words.
>I'm also finding other opportunities opening up
I often feel like a sort of fisherman (I've never tried one, to be
honest!) standing on the river bank with the current carrying all
sorts of stuff past me. Some things I don't see too well, some I'll
see better when my vision is clearer but what I choose to pick up and
what I choose to allow to float past sets out who and what I am and
the journey I'm making.
>I think I would have given up by now ....... and there were a lot of
>situations where I seemed to be "different"
Sure and none of us is superhumanly strong and self determinent. We
can only deal with so much at a time and in a particular way. And
that's where you seem to be at - biting off what you can chew and
leaving the rest on the plate until you've finished the present
mouthful. It really is the best way - you don't choke, you can do
things in the right sequence, you benefit from the learning and
strength of each mouthful - oh there's heaps of advantages.
.
>I considered faking my own death at 8 and wonderered if I could come back to school
>as a girl
Oh I prayed nightly and then later I threatened god - I won't believe
if you don't make me a girl. That little fight finished up as a draw
- he/it didn't make me a girl and I still don't believe!
>Well there seems to be a lot of innocence involved in this journey. ....
>It's only in hindsight that things seem to become clearer.
Isn't knowing and asserting something against all the combined wisdom
of the world (I am a girl) the ultimate in innocence as in "I can
discount all the science and all the knowledge in the world because I
have the gift of insight into my own self". Could you do that without
the gift of innocence, I wonder. Is the beginning of the loss of
innocence at school the time when we start trying to conform to
society's expectations of us rather than standing by our convictions.
>Well yes it's also important to interpret ones past experiences with an open mind to,
>until one knows for certain what one is.
My therapist has helped me to learn that there are indeed some things
we do perhaps need to understand before we can handle and manage their
historical influence but there are also other things that can simply
be left lying at the roadside as we make our journey through life
simply because we just don't need to carry that particular burden any
further.
And, as I'm writing these last paragraphs, believer or not, I couldn't
help bring to mind Paul's first letter to the Corinthians - Ch 13 -
but the older authorized version, if you please. Sheer poetry.
Julia