Socialising EXERCISES -(or, tricks)- one can do...
MrUK4U
I understand that some people do NOT wish to even socialise, atall...; and,
that's perfectly ok - I don't seek to criticise them if they are quite happy to
stay that way...; so, feel free to do whatever it is you wish to do...; or,
whenever you are feeling ready to go change, then, by all means go for it...
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AND, FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO DO WISH TO LEARN TO SOCIALISE MORE
But, as to me, I constantly think of changing myself, all the time...; as I see
it, the more socialising things I can get up to...; then, the more likely I
will be able to learn to socialise properly, one day???
Here are a few of my own methods which I wish to share with all those of you
who may find it hard to talk to/or, socialise with others..
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IDENTIFYING WHERE ONES MOST MAJOR SOCIALISING DIFFICULTIES LIES
I also like to try and identify where my major problems are in regards to
socialising...; which situations do I find most difficult to deal with...these
are mainly...
>parties (not knowing anybody, atall/who to talk to/or, how to stand)
>pubs (a totally uncontrolled atmosphere where absolutely anything might
happen, next?!)
>giving speeches (too many people staring at me, all at once...being the centre
of attention-I really can't stand it...makes me feel far too deeply
self-concious...like, maybe, my face will go red/and, then, I feel incredibly
uncomfortable PANIC like just wish to RUN!)
>talking to the opposite sex (will she totally reject me, or, not?!)
>dealing with people who are being highly agressive, or, rude...(without
getting really mad at them...but, just answering them, quite calmly, back, and,
still keeping cool/friendly/fairly humourous about it all.
Like sticking up for my rights...when somebody else is trying to walk all over
them...many times I tend to freak out, and, walk/run away from getting involved
in any sort of socialising conflicts...and, then, end up feeling such a sorry
looser!
For example, I recall, once, I was standing up in a queue...when a
couple...came and stood right in front of me?! I really didn't know what the
hell to say, next??? Not wishing to seem rude, or, attract any unnecessary
attention to myself. So, I pretended I'd forgotten something...and, just walked
away from the queue...then, came back again to join it at the bottom, instead.
But, inside, I felt damn angry as sheer bitter hell!)
>swimming/undressing(brings up two fears...one, I can't swim, and, haven't had
enough courage to go, and, learn, yet.../and, two, I feel scared having to go
take my clothes off in front of other people who might be staring at me?!)
>/-etc.
...If I can ever go face dealing with any of these major situations, then, I
feel I've really made it, and, big time!/LOL
-(Not that doing it just, once, tends to make me feel much better other than
purely, temporarily, alone. Instead, I have to do it, again and again, if I'm
ever going to feel, well and truly, comfortable about doing it on any regular
basis.)-
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NON-TALKING EXERCISES
1) Sometimes, I've gone down to my local library...just to sit down and
read...with the aim to, very quietly, be around people. I don't even have to
stare at anybody...; just stare at books...; whilst also learning.
2) Other times, I would dress up to go out during morning/or, evening rush
hour...just to get the feeling of what its like to be walking along with large
crowds crammed full of people. Remember walking is also exercising.
3) I would go along to museums/galleries/I enjoy arts/sciences...so, at the
same time, I'm quietly socialising, I also feel I'm learning a lot, as well.
4) I go and visit parks...it's really surprising just how many public parks
there are being located just about all over the place...; again, I'm with the
crowd...; but, silent. My main aim being to sit down, and, enjoy the
views...some parks are incredibly beautiful...I remember Kyoto Gardens in
London's Holland Park...or, The Serpentine Lake in Hyde Park/-etc. Or else, I
go there with the primary aim to go take some serious
exercise(walk/run-jog/sprint/stretch/bounce, or, kick a ball around/-etc).
5) Other times, I would go either for a long walk.../or else, for a long public
transport journey...frequently changing buses/trains/tubes...exploring going
somewhere, and, seeing sights I've never seen, before???
When, I just tend to stay in all the time, alone...; this really does feel like
doing something entirely 'different'.
6) I would, occassionally, go along to a restaurant...-(this tends to make me
feel, exceptionally, self-concious, by the way)-...and, either I order
something to eat outside.../or, if I feel really brave...I will stick around
and eat/drink it there whilst sitting down. (Extremely rare!)
7) I would go along to visit churches...; there are some really beautiful
churches...; with incredible architecture, as well as, rare
artworks...paintings/sculptures...and, the people there might be doing mass...I
will go join in with them...either silently praying, alone.../or else, reading
along with them from the pamplets/hymn books/-etc.
8) I would go see a show...cinema/theatre/concert...where I didn't have to talk
just watch whilst still being a part of the crowd. Shakespeare/and, ballet/and,
also, music appeals to me a lot. So, it can be a really memorable way of
getting to spend the evening. One you never ever forget.
Drawback: Can be really expensive! Though, sometimes, you can go to open air
concerts/or, shows/or, theaters that are FREE. Generally, to find out about
these events I go down to my local libary, and, read leafets.
9) ???
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TALKING EXERCISES
For me, I try to set myself the goal...of, at least, trying to talk to a
stranger, at least, once, whenever I go out...; or else, to either family/or,
friends, over the telephone/or, preferably, by going along to visit them...that
is, if I'm feeling in the right mood???!!!
But, of course, it's ok to allow yourself to fail at your goals, occassionally,
too...so, you don't never need to go putting yourself down...if you thought of
trying, but, later on, totally freaked out! Because, if it were really easy,
then, you most probably wouldn't be Social Phobic, in the first place?! If you
fail just say to yourself...there will be plenty of other times to still
succeed. Remember to keep on thinking positive(and, toss out all
negatives)!/;-)
1) Ask somebody for the time?
2) Ask someone for directions?
(NOTE: It doesn't matter if you aleady know the time.../or, already know the
directions...what matters here is that you are trying to talk to someone. Even
if the conversation is only brief...; then, that's ok. 'What's the time,
please?' '7 o'clock.' 'Thank you!' And, then, you immediately leave.
Otherwise, this can be a way to get to break the ice...and, then, lead on to
further questions...thus, showing such persons that you are, truly, interested
in them...and, not just the time/directions. Usually, me, I only get up to the
ask time/direction part/then, freak out with total shyness...and, so, I'm
off...before I can ever work up enough courage to say anything else.)
3) Ask people about their hobby/or, pet? This can, sometimes, lead to them
telling you a lot...; and, thus, having a far longer conversation.
Like in the park, sometimes, I see people exercising...and, I go up to them and
ask what sort of exercise is that? Where did you learn it from? And, how long
have you been doing it for? Do you teach it, or, do you take lessons? Could you
teach me? Where are your lessons? How much? Do you need special clothes? Is it
easy to learn/or, hard? How long does it take to get really skillful?/-Etc..
I once found myself standing at the bus stop...and, there was this long haired
guy with a skateboard sitting down. I asked him all sorts of questions about
it. We didn't, actually, talk long...as his bus soon came for him...but, at
least, we talked...I find if both fun, and, interesting talking to strangers
who I've never met, before...providing our conversation proves to be FUN!
4) Talk to down-and-out -lonely- people on the street...how did their life
become like that?
I've done this before...; and, managed to hold quite a long conversations once
or twice...speaking to both a boy(said he came from Dublin; and, after having
spent all his money; had no money left to get back home?!)/and, a girl(she said
her family owned a shop; but, then, one day the business went broke; and, so,
that's how she ended up on the streets).
.
5) Join clubs/or, college courses -(part time/or, full time/day/evenings, to
suit yourself)- where the people there share your own interests. For instance,
I love art(s)...; and, I also enjoy computing & programming...; too, I like
martial arts. So, I've been along to join martial arts clubs.../as well as,
going to college to go and study art(s)/computers & programming. But, really
beneath it all, my main aim, I think, was to learn to socialise...as well as,
develop other skills/and, gain some sort of qualification.
-(Because, you see to date I have nil official qualifications...namely, the
courses I go on, I don't tend to stick with right up until the end...but, hell,
at least, I tried...one has to give oneself points for giving it a go...as
opposed to just sitting there merely dreaming about trying things out, maybe,
one day, sooner or later?!)-
A good opportunity here to socialise is when you get better at something than
another one is...; and, then, they might come up to you to help teach them. In
this way, I've actually went and visited other students homes.../or, even
invited them into mine...not regularly, I admit, less than a mere handful of
times, in fact...when I felt they appeared truly trustworthy enough to
me...and, luckily, so far, everything went well.
6) Sometimes, I will even go into a shop...and, talk to the shop
assistant(s)...just ask them perfectly straight forwards questions...which is
related to them doing their job, answering customers questions...how much is
this? And, do you have anything cheaper.../or, possibly, more expensive?/-Etc.
I know, this suggestion might seem very lame to some people. But, for me, on
days when all I tend to do is keep myself strictly to myself...; it's like
taking a huge step up the ladder towards doing 'some' socialising as oppposed
to doing absolutely 'none!'
Er...problems you can have with this one...is being tempted to buy more stuff
than you do, actually, need. So, you have to be careful about going totally mad
with money/or, credit cards! The aim is just ask questions...; then, have a
quick chat, maybe...; then, suddenly, leave...saying you'll come back.
Otherwise, if it's really cheap/or, something I'm truly interested in, I might
quite simply buy it!
7) For those people who tend to have problems talking to the opposite sex(which
includes me)...then, I try to talk to anybody of the opposite sex...be they
truly attractive to me, or, not...the aim is not to go to bed with them,
necessarily...the aim is to see if you can, successfully, hold a conversation
with them, or, not? And, in this way, -I hope- ones self-confidence with
talking to members of the opposite sex should improve?
I was going down the shops to get a newspaper on Sunday. When I, suddenly saw a
girl come out of the paper shop walking right in front of me. And, I thought,
wow, she looks really GREAT! And, I started following her, at first, from some
way behind...; and, then, after following along for some time...I decided to go
up to her, and, talk...in case, otherwise, she might tend to think I'm just
another silly nutter?!
I can't honestly remember exactly what my 1st opening line was, but, I must
have introduced my name/I live in this area/and, do you live in this area,
too...she told me she was Egyptian...and, spoke perfect English...said she went
to college. And, I said I went to college, too...studying computers &
programming/-etc. We talked. We laughed. Before I knew it, I'd already walked
the girl all the way right up to her door. I told her where I lived, too. But,
just never had enough guts to go back there!
8) Sometimes, when I cannot even think of anything to say...; I just say
anything that come into my mind...lol...usually, with utterly unpredictable
results?!
9) ???
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EXCEPTIONAL EXERCISES
I tend to suffer from a lot of fears/phobias...; the best way I feel to deal
with fear is go and face it...; as sooner or later you might have to,
anyway...; so, why not, try and face it voluntarily. Like on those days when
you feel most exceptionally strong.
heights(I would love to go sign up for something like a bungee jumping
class/or, a parachute jump/or, learn how to fly a private airplane - with
suitably qualified instructors, of course...because, I'm NOT recommending
suicide to anyone!)
deep water(I would love to go sign up for a cannoeing class/wearing a life
jacket, of course...I once saw this happening on the River Thames with a class
of mostly young children being taught by adults)
travelling far(I tend to travel only inside of London...but, very seldom,
indeed, anywhere outside of it...my aim always being to go out same day/come
back same day...but, maybe, one day I would love to travel far outside of
London, as well, and NOT come back same day...; then, another day, even go
abroad which I still haven't done, yet...; they say France is the nearest
country next to England...and, it's possible to go there by ferry boat the same
day/and, come back in the same day, too, as well.)
/-etc.
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ANY OTHER SUGGESTIONS, PLEASE
Now, I leave it up to other people to make a few suggestions of their
own...and, I certainly very much look forwards to reading through
these...maybe, I will even go try it out, sometime, myself...if their
suggestion seems particularly appealing to me...and, then, report back here if
it, actually, worked or not?!/-Thanks!
WhereDoIBelong
That's quite a bunch of valuable info for me, alltough I
see myself in 90% of the ways you try to handle things,
or end up, the other 10% in which we seem to differ, is that
some things (like trying to eat something on a terrace/restaurant) are
things I silently allready put beside me, and I don't even bother
trying them.
Your courage postings here mean SO much for me. For me, there are
quite a few techniques u use I never tried, and I'm thinking of using
your coping techniques to actually try to socialize again, because I
personally (if I'm really honnest) allready gave up on even trying to
socialize at all.
I look forward to your postings, for me they open a whole lot of
"hope", knowing there are people that have equally (or maybe even
more) problems as I have, and they still do all their best at
succeeding.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for this encouraging post MRUK4U,
there are a bunch of tips that will keep me busy for at least a month,
doing my best at picking up the trying as a restart for myself.
Thank U. :)
MrUK4U
You're welcome! And, thanks for replying to me. As, sometimes, I wonder if
anybody is interested in what I post here, or, not???/LOL/And, if not...then,
why on earth should I bother with posting for, atall?! So, when you say a few
suggestions I've made does, actually, help you...; or, at least, let you think
a bit about it...; then, I feel very much comforted, indeed. So, thank YOU, one
hell of a lot, too!/;-)
TRAVELLED TO LONDONS CITY CENTRE - THE WEST END
Anyway, today, I used my 1 months travel pass to go and take a bus to London's
city center...The West End.
EAT IN A RESTAURANT - HOUSE OF FRASER STORE
And, then, I went into the shop, House Of Fraser, on Oxford Street. And, in
there, I brought some restaurant food to go and eat. This is something I hardly
ever do...; like the last time I did it would be whole entire months! But, I
wrote in to this Social Phobic newsgroup...that I would TRY...and, so, this
encouraged me to DO IT!
I must say, though, it sure wasn't too very easy...I took the backmost corner
seat facing the wall in order to hide myself from others view...and, like all
the time, I'm constantly looking around me...to see who the hell is 'staring'
to go watch me eat...; then, very quickly, looking away, again...as, I know, if
i stare at them...then, they are going to stare back!
But, basically, I couldn't really fully concentrate on eating the food...as,
all I was thinking is who is looking?! Now, you could say it was a total waste
of food/money, then...but, certainly, not to me. The point is I TRIED doing
something which I hardly ever do...and, DID IT, quite successfully, too!/;-)
NATIONAL PORTRAIT GALLERY
I also went to visit the National Portrait Gallery...and, saw beautiful girls
who were also visiting...and, even followed a few around the gallery...without
trying to seem far too obvious about it?!
Of course, in the interim time...I was learning more and more about the arts.
And, discovering seeing brand new up and coming artists work, as well.
Unfortunately, my memory is not too good on remembering names, though...; but,
I do recall seeing loads of sculptures/drawings/paintings.
And, it also inspired me to go, and, try my hand at practicing art(s), all over
again. Who knows, maybe, I will even try going back to college...and, this time
apply to do an art course(my big dream in life-to do what I always wanted to
do-which is, art). But, that will mean I'll need to get a portfolio of work put
togeather real quick. As September -college enrollment month- is coming up
fast!
ASKED A GUY FOR THE TIME
When I came back on the bus...I asked one guy the time(he was sitting next to a
girl)? -(Sometimes, I have asked people the time, before...and, they just
totally ignored me?!/LOL)-...but, he was both friendly, and, polite, and, gave
me the time...10 minutes past 12:00 midnight!
SPOKE TO ANOTHER GUY ON A NEXT BUS
I had to change to get another bus...; and, then, as I was on that one...a guy
came and sat opposite me...he had a beer with him, and, was smiling. At first,
we both looked at one another, rather cautiously...not too sure if the other
was friendly or not?! But, I just smiled back. He said this drink is NICE! And,
I agreed with him...saying something really inane like, GOOD!/;-) And, then, I
asked him where is he from? And, he answered me, Poland. I told him I'm from
this area (where the bus is in, right now). But, pretty soon my bus stop came
up...and, I said, 'sorry, I have to get off, now'. And, he replied, 'good
luck!' And, I wished him back, 'good luck!'
THE UNSPOKEN ABOUT FAILURES...
Now, above, you'll notice I'm ONLY talking about the successes here...; I'm NOT
talking about the failures...; and, believe me there were MANY of those, too.
Like I saw, at least, 4/5 girls who I fancied in the streets...I even tried
following them around, for a while...but, basically, every single time, I
totally freaked out when it came to going up to, and, actually, chatting with
them??? What the hell to say...will they be interested, or, not?!
Like, believe it or not, but, the last thing I saw when walking home was this
tall leggy blonde girl who had gotten off the same bus as me...and, was walking
home in the exactly same direction, right in front of me...but, I just couldn't
think of what the hell to say to her???!!!
And, was far too afraid she might feel my following her far too closely is like
a male being really scary...so, I sort of kept a safe distance...staying about
10 or so yards back.
And, I also feared coming across as being far too pushy...like if I were to,
quite suddenly, walk up to her, and, then, invite her home or something...she
might feel totally shocked?!
So, I just silently gave up, and, let her go her way...when she turned down a
different road - I sort of felt relief...1 less worry off my mind sort of
thing...whilst I just, simply, went the other way, instead. I had a real good
look...and, it's a nice memory to take with me to bed...so, that's ok!
PS: I could add some more, though. Like when I was in London's city centre...I
also visited Soho-the red light district. And, there I knocked on a few
prostitutes doors...where they advertise with signs saying, 'Models!' They
answered the door wearing only their underwear...(sometimes, see
through?!).../of course, I didn't have any money on me, atall-so, my aim was
NOT to go get laid/but, only just to take a real quick LOOK...; I merely made
the enquiry...'How much are your services?'...and, then, when I got the reply
back...I, very quickly, left...acting as though I just couldn't afford it!
>>>
Subject: Re: Socialising EXERCISES -(or, tricks)- one can do...
From: WhereDoIBelong Wher...@belong.be
Date: 29/08/03 16:09 GMT Daylight Time
Message-id: <ajqukvg5i0lheqrne...@4ax.com>
MrUK4U
CASUALLY, ASKING AROUND FOR JOBS???
Going into shops/or, buildings...and, then, asking them for a job? Because, I'm
unemployed...and, usually, at worst, all they can say to me is, quite simply,
no!
So, far to date I've had no acceptances...; some replies I received have
been...; 2 doors away from us there is a job agency.../or, no jobs available,
right now; but, you could try leaving us your C.V./-Etc.
-(Still, for me, being Socially Phobic. Just the mere act of going up to a
total stranger...and, asking them for anything, atall...is still learning a bit
more about how to talk with complete and total strangers...even, if only our
chat is like real brief. I can go away saying to myself...I spoke to somebody
'new' today.)-
By which I mean to say...every time I try doing this...a large part of my mind
is telling me...DON'T bother! You'll only get REJECTED, anyway. So, why even
try?!
But, another part of my mind says...; if you don't TRY...then, you will NEVER
ever succeed. So, if you do want to SUCCEED...then, you also gotta TRY!
SUCIDAL DEPRESSION TENDENCIES WHEN HUNTING FOR WORK-CAN'T COPE WITH TOO MUCH
REJECTION-TAKING THINGS FAR TOO PERSONALLY
Let me explain, something else...in regards to going out to hunt for
work...such as going down to an unemployment office, regularly. I used to go
there...but, then, found I'd get myself, constantly, REJECTED! The potential
employers all kept on saying the same things...we don't want you because of...
>No qualifications
>No previous job history/with checkable references
>No previous job experience/and, thus, provable skills
/-etc.
It got to a certain point, where after having gotten myself rejected so
incredibly MANY times...; I just felt this whole world doesn't want me...; nor
never has wanted me...; instead, it just wants me to live my whole entire life
as being nothing else but an unemployed bum!
And, that's when I tipped right over the scales into really DEEP DEPRESSION
thinking mode...where you, suddenly, loose all sense of humor, as everything
has become utterly meaningless, now-including laughter/including existence,
even...and, each next thought grows more and more, increasingly, NEGATIVE...; I
even started thinking about suicide, and, really quite seriously. However,
luckily enough, I didn't actually do it.
I think, what happened there...was, in fact, a 1-off...like if you've NEVER
experienced suffering from very SERIOUS DEPRESSION, before??? Then, you really
don't know how in the hell to deal with it?! It feels like you've run right
smack into this brick wall...that, quite simiply, refuses to move...going
deeper and deeper into a darker and darker tunnel...and, could there be light
at the end of it...you really don't think so?! Instead, everything just seems
to be closing in on you...getting far darker and darker still...
It's only, once, you've already been there/done that...; then, you KNOW that
these real BAD MOODS will, eventually, pass...; the big challenge is coping
with the extremely SAD, and, altogeather DESPERATE feeling...HOLDING ON WHEN
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LEFT TO HANG ON TO???!!!
But, like I said, once you've already come through it...and, LIVED...then, you
know that NEXT time...all you have to do is, quite simply, do nothing. Just
keep hanging on...and, then, eventually, these feelings will pass....
Then, once, the serious depression had stopped. I never went back to another
job center/or, unemployment office/agency, regularly, ever again.
Instead, I would just, quite casually, stop inside of places, and, ask them for
work on occassion - whenever I felt confident enough be be able to bear the
rejection of doing so(by telling myself, if they say, no, it really don't
matter, and, at least, I tried)?! But, when I found the rejection was getting a
bit too much for me by asking around, regularly...and, each time getting
rejected, again and again ...then, I'd stop asking...before it seriously
depressed me, all over once more...and, just be content with living at home off
my mum, instead.
MY EMPLOYMENT HISTORY
See, I never worked in a real job not even once in all of my entire 40 years of
life!
I have on occassion done...'government based training schemes' for 'unemployed
people'...where they didn't really pay me...instead, they threatened to cut off
my unemployment benefits money if I didn't do it! So, I just felt forced
to...having no other choice?!
I remember being on one of these yearly government based schemes...to teach me
general office duties(receptionist/typing/data entry
clerk/cleaning/canteen/-etc).
In the end, though, I went and dropped out of it after around 9 or so months.
In particular, I've always found that though I tend to get along with 99% of
people-or else, they ignore me...there is always that 1% who tend to wind me
up, and, just won't ever stop?!
Personality conflicts, I guess...but, 'normal' people know how to develop
appropriate coping strategies on how to deal with this...not getting along with
another...but, me, I don't have any idea, atall, whatsoever of how to deal with
it...(that is, apart from RUN)...so, I just feel myself getting more and more
fully wound up!!!
Also, the job itself - or, at least, certain parts of it...really did depress
me an awful lot...as I wasn't enjoying doing those parts, atall...namely,
cleaning-I don't mind cleaning up my own mess/but, cleaning up other people's
mess doesn't, in fact, interest me, atall! So, I learnt from that rather
miserable work experience...there are certain jobs that I truly cannot take!
Also, I have tried doing a 2 weeks voluntary training work. Doing computer
sales office admin work. Take orders over the phone/note down the computer
parts wanted/order, then, recieve the parts-check they are all there/then, pass
these parts on to the correct department...so, that they can finally
assemble/and, build a custom computer.
But, unfortunately, I could NOT get along with my job supervisor, atall. He
would be, constantly, picking on me for every single day, and, sometimes, even
every single minute...teasing me to death! And, I really didn't know how to
deal with that?! I, basically, sulked/went all silent/yet, that only seemed to
be encouraging him to do it further! So, in the end I started going in there,
later and later, in the day...until by the 3rd week...I, quite simply, refused
to go back in there, anymore. I quit(rather than EXPLODE)!
THE FUTURE
Judging by my past history...I really wonder if I would be any good at working
for real...
Like would I be able to get there on time...punctuality, I must confess, was
never my greatest thing! I hesitate/I doubt myself/in short, it often takes me
a long long time just working up enough self-confidence to go out of my own
house...and, then, wonder off into the streets...to go and face having to deal
with all different sorts of people...some who might like me.../and, some might
not?!
That sort of endless worrying is one of the main reasons why I tend to get to
places late...; that is, if I actually ever do manage to make it out of the
house, atall?! Because, sometimes, I feel so damn bad about myself...and,
thinking that everybody is going to, really and truly, HATE me...just in the
same way that I do, really and truly, HATE myself...that there's just no point
in going out...that's when I, simply, give up, and, stay inside all day/night
long, instead!
Too, if I do manage to go to work...and, then, find I just CANNOT get along
with certain people. Or, say we were getting along, before...; but, then,
something changes...and, we no longer get along...; then, my tendency is to
AVOID/RUN...and, NOT stay.
Thus, with these sort of internal problems to have to cope with...I really
don't know if I will ever be able to hold down, and, keep a normal job?!
ALTERNATIVE JOB POSSIBILITIES FOR ME TO GO EXPLORE
My guess is...I'm either going to have to do something where I'm self-employed.
Or, I'm going to have to beg on the streets(not very likely being socially
phobic, and, finding it ever so hard to speak to strangers)?! Or, I'm going to
have to do some sort of non 9 to 5 job...such as being an artist...; and,
perhaps, selling my art work through agents...who can do the 9 to 5 for me,
instead. (Only trouble is, I'm NOT a trained artist...and, that's why I might
need to have to go to college, first, instead.)
THE REAL BIG ISSUES ARE MONEY/SELF-ESTEEM
However, I'm constantly aware...that, right now, I'm living with my mum. That's
the only person who, well and truly, cares about me.../and, who is willing
enough to help me out both, financially, and, with accommodation.
As for all the rest of the family, either they couldn't care less about
me.../or, honestly, don't wanna know-through being far too grudgeful, or,
jealous minded.../and, are basically what I do regard as being utterly
unreliable, and, totally untrustworthy as far as I'm concerned?! I wouldn't
even want to go live with them...even if I were PAID to go do it...as I do NOT
believe we will ever get along...in short, it would be WAR! And, I can never
quite see myself trying to go life their type of lifestyle.../or, choosing
their type of friends!
But, my mum is 77+...and, so, I figure she won't always be here to help me...;
maybe, as she grows older she might not even be able to help herself,
anymore...; and, then, indeed, will need my help??? But, when I can't even help
myself!!!
That's why, for me, the bottom line is...I need be able to learn to help
myself, first...and, also, to be able to stand up, effectively, on my own two
feet, all alone...by having both a job, and, MONEY!
Because, without money...then, I just feel real empty inside/and, extremely
damn miserable...like I have to go live the whole of my entire life being stuck
inside of a gutter, and, just can't come out?! Not working...does something to
your self-esteem...you are so aware that you're NOT the man of the house...and,
that your have to go live off somebody else, instead...be that either the
state/or, your family(mum). I want to be a man/not, just merely a bum!
And, so, that's why I feel I do, quite truly, want to work...; and, be a
'valuable', and, 'contributing' member of society. Who other people will both
look up to, and, respect. Otherwise, I feel everybody -(including family)- is
just looking down their turned up noses at me...like I'm worth absolutely
NOTHING, instead!
MrUK4U
I realise that learning to confront, and, deal with my own Social Phobic issues
is NOT going to be particularly easy...lol...sure, it might be real easy to sit
here, and, merely THINK about changing oneself...; but, it's extremely damned
difficult to, actually, get up/go out there/and, make even ANY changes,
atall...both to myself, and, to my behaviours in regards to living with, and,
dealing with other people.
Possibly, because, doing NOTHING is both perfectly simple, and, straight
forwards...; but, doing SOMETHING to change yourself can often prove to be
really quite complex...; as you never really know exactly what is going to
happen, next?! Will you succceed/or, fail?! Get rejected/or, accepted?
Furthermore, will you be able to deal with that rejection?! And, indeed, will
you be able to deal with that acceptance, as well(when you know that deep down
you never, actually, accepted yourself)?! So, trying to face up to confronting
dealing with the 'unknown'...is, always, going to prove a real tough/and, scary
exercise for me...?!
Like, right NOW, for instance...I should be OUT there...and, I should be going
and trying to make lots of brand 'new' friends/acquaintance relationships/close
relationships...
So, what the hell am I doing by still staying in here for???!!! And, being on
this computer, constantly, typing away...?!
Answer: right now, I do NOT feel confident...(even, though, I did manage to go
out, yesterday, and, do quite a bit...); right NOW, I do NOT feel I even wish
to show my face outside of that frigging door! Instead, I just want to keep on
hiding away by staying inside where it feels ever so completely SAFE...and,
therefore, not in the least bit RISKY...; for that reason, I haven't even
bothered to get myself fully dressed/or, even wash/dry my hair, yet? And, the
constantly NOT being ready to go out...; gives me just another excuse to NOT do
it!
...That's how it's always been...; and, doubtless, that's how it always will
be...; namely, me having to go live with my ever changing constant wild mood
swings(up/down). So, there will be times when I choose to, quite deliberately,
stay in...; as well as, there will be times when I'm feeling far more
self-confident.../or else, just am feeling far more brave, and, willing to go
take RISKS...when I will be able to go out.
But, there is really no point in me expecting of myself the wholly
impossible...that I will keep on going out there, constantly, all the time,
non-stop...; or, that every single time when I go out there...especially, when
I feel my own self-hate is coming on real strong...that I will go and make
freindships/or, try talking to others...because, I won't!...not unless I'm
feeling real strong enough inside.
CHOOSING TO LIVE IN, EITHER, FANTASY/OR, REALITY???
For me, it's going to take loads of effort, and, sacrifices...like, especially,
I'm going to have to learn to deal with 'living in reality'.../and, have to
almost completely give up 'living in fantasy-land!'
For example, I'd much rather stay in, and, watch TV/video/or, open a porno mag.
to go see a beautiful girl...than, gather the guts togeather...to go and meet
one outside, in reality. All this sort of really backwards
thinking/acting...has just got to change...; so, that I can get on with living
my life in 'going forwards' mode...instead, of 'going backwards' mode! I think,
that TV/videos/porn, all tend to keep one chained to NEVER 'living in reality!'
Which is pefectly ok...if that's all you want to get out of life(or, for the
moment, at least, anyway)...; but, otherwise, one just has to work on getting
rid of these things that are really doing nothing else for you...; but, to
merely keep on holding you back! I'm not really saying NEVER look at
TV/video/porn ever again...; but, I'm saying, one has to set some firm limits
here...; and, not allow things to continue to reach excess!
And, boy, reality is a tough thing to have to go and deal with. I mean, it's
not like perfect porn/or, fantasy...where the plot is, always, pretty damn
straight forwards/and, always, runs ever so real nice and smooth just like
silk/the girl never ever talks back; or, says, no; or, in any way, atall,
disagrees with you! But, in reality, both people, and, situations are wholly
unpredicatable...sometimes, situations turn out to be either good, or,
bad/people might turn out to be either good, or, bad/or, they could even be
both good/bad, at once?! So, we just don't know what will happen next, do we???
And, even then, if things start off being perfectly smooth-that doesn't
necessarily mean it's always going to stay that way...; in short, in reality,
seldom do things keep on running perfectly smooth...; but, expect, there are
going to be loads of lumps, and, bumps! So, in that sense, dealing with reality
can be a hell of a lot far more deeply disappointing...; than, dealing with
perfectly smooth fantasy ever is!
However, the good part is...that, at least, you would be 'working on' having
relationships in 'real life' that can both develop, and, grow...; rather, than
knowing you are, forevermore, stuck inside of this total
'fantasy-world'...which can only ever lead to your going absolutely
nowhere???!!! Fantasy realationships don't even have a snowball in hell's
chance of 'growing'...; instead, they just simply stay exactly the
same...namely, none!
So, dealing with 'living in reality' means...one has really no other choice but
to be BRAVE! As reality is NOT always going to be a TOTAL FUN experience!
Sometimes, it can even prove to be a TOTAL NIGHTMARE! Then, I'm sure, I will
wish to slip back into my usual former habitual thinking...that 'living in
fantasy' is SAFE! And, so, I want nothing more to do with 'living in reality',
anymore! For it HURTS.../it leaves me feeling lonely, sad, bitter, and, real
sore inside...and, healing up can take absolute ages...; that is, if ever?!
But, that's the sort of price one just might have to pay...if we wish to ever
give ourselves the chance to go 'live in reality', I guess.
Thus, I'm sure, that by me stepping out there, and, into reality...that there
will be many times when I can fully expect to get myself hurt...; and, also,
there will be many times when I will wish to go run, and, hide...by coming
straight back home, and, staying inside...so, that I won't never have to get
hurt ever, again...just like being the hopeless romantic who deep down
inside...I, really and truly, am...; but, then, sooner or later...my realist
side will wish to wake up, once more...and, then, force me into going back out
there, again...back to dealing with the possibly that one just might get
oneself, seriously, hurt?! Sometimes, living with that fear, alone...can be
exciting(like living on the edge...)/and, thus, fun...; other times, it's just
a really sad utterly overwhelming feeling of experiencing sheer blind
terror(when you can't even move)!
CONCLUSION
All I can say is...yesterday, I had a real excellent day...where I both went
out, and, also, took plenty of risks...even to the point where I thought taking
absolutely endless risks was merely just having some FUN!!! -(Instead, of my
usually thinking of taking risks as being completely dead scary?!)- In other
words, the more and more risks, I took...the more and more fun it was...; and,
also, the far bigger the risk I took was - then, proportionately, the much
bigger the fun was, too, as well.
But, today, all I feel is like scared...to go out there! What if...things do go
wrong?! What if...I take risks...but, not every single day can I manage to
completely get away with it?! What if...I try and go too far by having totally
miscalculated the risk...; and, then, end up taking far too big a risk...;
which, then, goes all completely wrong?! What if...I can't handle it.../-etc.
So, all this just goes to prove to me...that just because I took risks,
yesterday...; does NOT mean I will be able to go take risks, everyday...;
because, I most certainly won't!
MrUK4U
I went out this morning. I actually went out there to go, and, get a newspaper.
I left around 5:00 AM very early morning. As I wanted to go visit the news
stand at Victoria station...where I know they sell newspapers, very early.
But, when I got to the news stand by no 2 bus at Victoria station. They told me
I had the wrong change...as, normally, on weekdays...The Daily Mirror newspaper
does cost 32p...; but, on Saturdays the cost is 45p. First, I had forgotten all
about it was, Saturday?! And, second, I had brought with me only 35p. Thus, I
needed 10p more in order to be able to buy myself the newspaper.
I could have asked the news stand owner themselves...as I'm a regular customer
there...surely, you can let me off paying the extra 10p? Or, at least, allow me
to pay you back another time, instead? But, I felt far too afraid...what if
that might lead into me having an actual argument with them.../like what if
they happened to refuse my request point blank?! Not wishing to feel anymore
embarassed than I already was...so, I simply shut up, and, said absolutely
nothing!
Then, I decided to go walking off...without the paper having been brought as
yet? I thought to myself...I, now, have 2 choices left open to me...either I go
all the way back home...and, go pick up 10p to come back out here, again.../or,
I go and figure out how to get enough courage togeather to go ask somebody out
here to lend me 10p?
See, I've heard lots of nasty stories about beggars being mistreated by others.
Some, simply, say, no...and, then, walk off rather scornfully! Others are
verbally rude, and, tell beggars to go f*** off! And, yet, others, actually,
physically hit out at them...slapping/kicking, or, punching! And, so, that's
basically why I felt rather scared to go ask any complete strangers for change.
Well, next thing, I know, I'm jumping on a no 36 bus...; and, I'm going off
travelling on it...to somewhere I don't even know...as I've never travelled
along that particular bus route, before? Basically, it's very cold...and, I
decided I'd much rather be on a warm bus...than, having to go standing
around/or else, having to go walk on the streets.
Anyway, when I get off the bus...I ended up at a newspaper shop...in there the
people seemed to be rather warm, and, friendly. So, after thinking about it for
a while...in order to summon up enough courage...
I went in there, and, explained my full story to them...I wanted to go buy the
newspaper called: The Daily Mirror...but, I find myself 10p far too short. Will
they be able to accept 35p from me, instead, of the full 45p? Quite luckily,
they agreed. And, in fact, were very nice to me about it. Saying it's, no
problem.
Thus, I was able to climb back on a no 7 bus(I think? Or, maybe, it was a no
23...)...from Bayswater Road...which took me to Oxford Street.../then, switched
to taking a no 2 bus from Baker Street...to go all the way back home,
again...with the newspaper...and, without having to pay any more money for it,
than, I already had on me...; nor, having to go beg anyone on the street for
money, neither.
This reminds a little bit of the famous Shakespeare play with the title...
ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.
;-)
But, then, again,...from ever since I've come back inside of the home...after
having gone out there this morning...I've done nothing else, but, sleep...;
and, even when awake I come over to the computer to type...; but, still haven't
serious considered going out, nowhere?! I think, the COLD has something to do
with the way I'm feeling, too...; when it's this COLD I just feel I do NOT wish
to go back out!
So, I guess, to hell with socialising...; that can get to wait for another day!
-(Plus, I must remember to go back to the shop keepers who, very kindly, let me
off paying 10p extra...to pay them back their 10p? So, something for me to do
whenever I do next go out...)-
MrUK4U
-(I might give up for a day, or, so...; but, after a while, I just know I have
to 'try', again...)-
I'm seriously considering to start going back to college, again. Even though
I've dropped out, twice, before in the past. And, like last year...I didn't
even bother to apply to go to college...as I feared I would just, simply, end
up dropping out, again...so, why the hell even bother to apply?!
But, this year September I feel, well and truly, sick of hanging around inside
of the home, all the time...; doing/acheiving virtually next to nothing...;
that is, apart from feeling really sad, and, sorry for myself...for being such
a total complete under-acheiver!
Therefore, I might as well go out to college, and, 'try' and get some
qualifications(as I currently do have nil qualifications)...something I can use
to show potential employers.
It's not that I'm not interested in studying, atall...; in fact, I really enjoy
studying subjects I like...; but, I have loads of difficulties learning to
socialise, properly?!
...meeting new people(will they like me?/or, for that matter, will I like
them...)/staying freindly with them/praying, and, hoping our freindship won't
ever change/worrying about will they always like me, or, not?! Or, suddenly, go
off me for whatever reason...learning to get comfortable with socialising, and,
not wanting to just, simply, RUN!
There are some days when I, actually, feel comfortable with socialising...;
mainly, I suppose because I'm feeling really good inside of myself.../and, feel
I look ok on the outside, too, as well. But, there are other days...when I just
hate it having to socialise...I do NOT feel good either inside/nor do I feel I
look good outside...then, it's run and hide time, again...on such days I can't
even step foot anywhere outside of the house...thus, I miss many days going to
college/miss homework/feel wholly left behind/end up
quitting/depression/negative thoughts, I'm utterly useless, and, always will be
an unqualified/unemployed going nowhere bum for all the rest of my entire
life...!/-Etc.
Anyway, so far, I've reached the stage where I went out, and, got myself some
college propectus brochures...
...and, now, I'm moving on to the next stage...which is choosing the
courses...hoping I didn't waste all of my money by having choosen wrongly?!
And, also, applying for the courses...so far, I've already applied to do 2
courses...ECDL-European Computer Driving Licence & Web Design...both course to
run at Brixton College.
...and, next is going along, now, to do the college pre-course interviews,
today...they said, I must come along for the interviews...Tuesday 2nd September
between 10AM-7PM...so, the time is, now, 10:00AM almost on the dot...and, so,
I'm off...
...will, report back here, later on, how the results of these college
interviews went???
blacknblue
> ...and, next is going along, now, to do the college pre-course interviews,
> today...they said, I must come along for the interviews...Tuesday 2nd September
> between 10AM-7PM...so, the time is, now, 10:00AM almost on the dot...and, so,
> I'm off...
>
> ...will, report back here, later on, how the results of these college
> interviews went???
Hey, hope all went well with your interviews. Interviews? I haven't
ever heard of such a thing? why do you have to do interviews for
college. I just pay for the courses and show up for class. I'm
currently taking Oxyfeul welding, networking, operating systems, and
electircal repair. I hate going to class, but its going better than
my job at the golf course went:o)
LilithOMalley
>ever heard of such a thing? why do you have to do interviews for
>college. I just pay for the courses and show up for class. I'm
>currently taking Oxyfeul welding, networking, operating systems, and
>electircal repair. I hate going to class, but its going better than
>my job at the golf course went:o)
>
Hi, In my experience -----
Usually upon entering a college you meet with an advisor who helps you plan out
your stragedy. It is an interview of sorts.
There is also an interview ( or more) before you are accepted, especially to a
prestigious school. It is not uncommon to be asked to present an essay also for
the initial interview. Lil
MrUK4U
Hi, and, thanks for the well wishes. Much appreciated.
And, I sure hope you will be able to pass all of your own college exams,
too!/;-)
PRE-COLLEGE ASSESSMENT TESTS, AND, INTERVIEWS
Yes, over here in England...they have pre-college assessment exams...mainly
standard english/and, also, standard numeracy tests. In order to fully
determine which level of ablity class you will best fit into???
For example, if a person can't even add up say, 2+2...then, there is really no
point, atall, in letting them go join in with a class that might involve higher
level mathematics?! So, that's why these pre-assessment tests can prove to be
very useful, indeed, to both pupil, and, teacher.
SUCCESSFULLY, GOT ON THE ECDL-EUROPEAN COMPUTER DRIVING LICENCE COURSE
One of the college courses that I applied for is called, the ECDL-European
Computer Driving Licence...which is a widely recognised qualification, all over
Europe...which basically proves you understand how to use basic
computers...spreadsheets/word-processor/database/-etc.
Once the above ECDL course is passed...; then, later on, it might be possible
to go for the more Advanced ECDL.
MORNING - THE FIRST HANDS ON ASSESSMENT TEST I DID - ECDL RELATED
Anyway, during the morning...I went along to Brixton college to join up for
doing ECDL...and, at first, the lady interviewer -who I met in room B106-
seemed to be really sceptical about me...because I'm not a great talker
whenever it comes to convincing anyone about myself...I talk
shyly/quietly/falteringly...also, my body language is such...that I hardly ever
look anyone directly in the face/or, eyes...instead, I tend to look down on the
ground, or, off elsewhere...she kept on saying, maybe, I should try doing a
pure 100% beginners course, first...in fact, the actual term she mentioned was,
a CLAIT beginners course. But, knowing a complete beginners course would merely
bore me to death(thus, I'd drop out, again!)...so, I told her, repeatedly, once
more...I already know how to type.../and, also, how to operate MicroSoft
word-processor software such as Word/-etc.
So, finally, she decided to put me to the test...by telling me to go sit in
front of a computer located in the same room...and, copy type out some text
from a piece of paper she placed beside me...into MicroSoft Word. When done.
She, next, asked me to change the font size...so that all text has changed to
become, font size 14.../and, that I must also underline the title.../and,
center the title, as well. Of course, as somebody who has touch-typed for
endless years(from 14-40)...; and, also, who is familiar with having used
Word-processing packages before (MicroSoft Notepad/Wordpad/Edit/Word)...I found
these things most exceedingly easy to do...and, therefore, was very quickly
able to do it in, quite literally, like next to no time...as soon as she'd
spoken...it was, already, done! Thus, she eventually changed her mind...and,
let me get on the course.
-(I also saw another guy come in there...who she told to go, and, take the same
hands on computer test...and, when she asked him to change the font size...he
just said, he doesn't know how to do it? And, the same thing with
underlining/centering the title? So, I guess, not everybody who goes to college
knows too much about using computer basic software packages. She told that guy
that he would have to go take the CLAIT beginners course.)-
PAID £10.00 TO JOIN THE ECDL COURSE/AND, RECIEVED BACK COLLEGE PHOTO CARD/WITH
MY STUDENT ID NUMBER.
I went down to the office reception with the necessary registration paper
form...paid £10.00(being given a reduced rate course fee, because, I'm
unemployed...; however, normally, some of these courses cost 100's/or, even
1000+ to go join for full fee-payers.) And, then, a guy took my photo all for
FREE(his camera took 4 photos/he used one/and, gave me back the excess 3 to
keep for myself)...; and, stuck it on a photo card/this card also carries a
student ID number...to identify myself as, now, being a regular Brixton college
student./;-)
EARLY EVENING - THE SECOND ASSESSMENT TEST I DID - WEB DESIGN, RELATED
I also applied to do a Web Design course in room B108. However, for that one I
was told to go and do a English/literature assessment. Which took 30 minutes. I
think, the question went...
QUESTION: Write about the advantages/disadvantages of technology?
...I think, I may have covered 2 sides of writing paper for this test. Well, I
won't actually get back any answer concerning this college application, yet...;
as they say there is a 24 hours wait so that the test results can be assessed,
first...; and, so, I must come back on Friday to go see Paul Riley the Web
Publishing teacher.
-(A guy who I'd seen, before...but, not studied under him, yet...when I used
to be a pupil going to the same college 2 years back, but, then, dropped out!
He asked me what happened on the last course I did? I told him I didn't
complete it...due to all sorts of reasons...; he said, well, if I think I'm,
quite likely, to drop out of this course, as well...then, I should tell him all
about my intentions, immediately. Of course, I said absolutely nothing...other
than to merely nod my head, silently.)-
LATE EVENING - THE THIRD & FORTH ASSESSMENT TESTS I DID - (WITH THE ULTIMATE
AIM OF GOING TO UNIVERSITY)/ACCESS COURSE, RELATED
I also applied to do another course...after discussing this with a tutor
called: Bill Wilcox. I told him that, ultimately, I would like to get into
university...but, do have no qualifications.
His reply was, that there are Access courses available...which will allow an
unqualified, and/ or, older persons to be able to get into university...at some
later date providing the final exams are passed. But, initially, you will need
to do both a level 3 English & Numeracy assessment tests, first. If that proves
you are not a suitable candidate for getting onto an Access course...; then, it
may still be possible to get on a pre-Access course, instead. But, the
assessment results will determine which particular Access course you will be
placed on. Also, I have to come back and see him on Monday in room B103...when
he will tell me exactly what my results were.
The last tests of the day...in regards to the maths numeracy part...my worst
subject in the whole wide world! I think, took around 30 minutes long...and,
was around 30 questions. Most of the questions I found easy enough,
though...so, I can very safely say I got, at least, more than half right...;
however, the other half I'm really not too sure about...because with a few
questions...fractions/percentages/-etc. I had to 100% guess?!?!?!
And, concerning the english test part...the question was...
QUESTION@ How do you think we can improve the standard of our education?
...again, I completed 2 sides of writing paper in half an hour in order to
answer this. I like writing English, so I really loved answering the question,
no problem. However, I'm not atall sure I answered it like a level 3 English
student should?! I have a feeling that my
grammar/spelling/punctuation/style/-etc. might not all have been quite right.
But, nevertheless, I fully enjoyed the process of being able to express myself
through using words.
LEARNING DIFFICULTIES - PHYSICAL/MENTAL - HAD A DISCUSSION ABOUT THIS
Oh, yes, and, on one of the forms it asked if I might have any learning
difficulties? So, I wrote down next to physical disability: ulcerative
colitis/stomach ulcer. And, this then led to another interview...with a girl
called: Sharon.
I told her than whenever I'm unwell, I tend to stay home from between 1 week -
up to a few weeks having to keep on taking tablets.
Also, she asked me about if I have any mental illness? And, I said I have
self-assessed Attention Deficit Disorder...but, that it's mild...rather than
major...which is why I've still not bothered to go get myself checked out by a
psychiatrist.
I also said I'd dropped out of college, previously, I think, because I had
taken on far too many courses, all togeather at once...without being fully
prepared to handle that having not been in serious study for years...as it
involved far more work that I had ever, quite truly, expected?!
Her advice was, that I should be careful not to select far too many courses, at
once. But, try to take on only what I know I can handle dealing with. As to the
rest physical/mental illness...she took a few quick notes...and, then, read
these back to me...to see if I agreed with what she had written down...I nodded
my head that, indeed, I did.
Her final suggestion to me was that I should come and visit her for 1
hour...every week...in order to check how the courses are coming along...and,
if I am having any difficulties. She also said, checking in with her is not
compulsory...; so, if at any time I do decide I don't need any further
help...then, all I have to do is, quite simply, say so.
CONCLUSION
That was it, I left Brixton college for the day...feeling really pretty damned
exhaused...both physically/and, emotionally. A bit of a nerve wracking
experience, in fact...; will they accept me or not...; especially, bearing in
mind, that I did very deliberately choose to drop out of doing courses there,
last time??? As well as, I had to travel there, twice, once on foot during the
morning(forgot to take along my bus pass)/then, back on foot towards home.
Then, I went back again, later on, during the late evening 5PM-7PM.
My worry now is...what about the other colleges(Adare/Clapham/Morley/-etc.),
and, their courses I should also be applying for? Namely, art(s)/martial
arts/languages/improving maths/-etc. I want to go join these, too. But, then,
I'm thinking what if I take far too much on all at once, just like last time I
did...; then, that might just totally freak me out...; and, cause me to
dropout, again, once more?!
Well, I really don't know if I will try joining any more college courses,
yet...; I'll just have to see how each day goes by...; whether I feel up to it
or not???
Today, I've joined Brixton college, as an almost full-time student..3-4 days
per week. But, I worry about having to go and socialise, constantly, even when
not feeling up to it?! And, I also worry I might drop out of these courses,
altogeather(just like I previously did)?! But, at the same time, I feel proud
that, at least, I'm giving it a go this September...unlike last year year
September...when I just, simply, gave up...without even trying to apply to go
and attend college. This year I' ve been, really and truly, brave...; and,
didn't completely coward out of it!.
blacknblue
> GREETINGS
> Today, I've joined Brixton college, as an almost full-time student..3-4 days
> per week. But, I worry about having to go and socialise, constantly, even when
> not feeling up to it?! And, I also worry I might drop out of these courses,
> altogeather(just like I previously did)?! But, at the same time, I feel proud
> that, at least, I'm giving it a go this September...unlike last year year
> September...when I just, simply, gave up...without even trying to apply to go
> and attend college. This year I' ve been, really and truly, brave...; and,
> didn't completely coward out of it!.
Hey, that sounds good man! I can relate to the dropping out thing. I
dropped out of school at NAU (Northern Arizona University) over 2
years ago, and dropped out of Eng 102 here at Cochise College a little
more than a year ago. I don't really know anyone here so it isn't a
concern that people might know me as the guy who quits. I think the
reason I quit previous times is that I was more concerned with
improving my sp than going to learn material...during class I would go
through thoughts in my head like "I should be asking more questions",
"I should be telling the teachers my stories like that kid who always
raises his hand"...this impaired my ability to focus on what was
actually being taught and I never really paid attention to a damn
thing anyone else said...I was too caught up in analyzing the classes
level of anxiety (or lack of)...After awhile I was behind everyone and
felt like a stupid f*cking azz
I find if I do my reading assignments, and other assignments I'll
feel a lot better about going to class. In class I still fell pretty
f*cking anxious, but Iam able to take in everything that is being said
if my focus is on learning instead of trying to overcome social
anxiety.
As far as eye contact goes...I really don't worry about it. If I'm
asking the pro a question I just focus on the words coming out of my
mouth and don't look eye to eye until I'm done with my
question...otherwise I'll stumble and forget what I'm saying because
I'm too worried about how good my eye contact looks.
I guess what I'm trying to say is just be yourself man. If you
don't say a f*cking word because thats what you feel like then oh
well. Just keep up with assignments and don't procrastinate! This
will help your anxiety more than anything!
Best of wishes...keep in touch
laterz
MrUK4U
carefully, more than, twice./;-)/Thanks, and, good luck to you, too.
But, I was wondering...did you ever manage to complete any courses you took?
LilithOMalley
>Date: 9/3/2003 5:11 AM Eastern Standard Time
>Message-id: <20030903051149...@mb-m16.aol.com>
>
>Hi, and, thanks for ALL of the tips. I read through everything you said,
>carefully, more than, twice./;-)/Thanks, and, good luck to you, too.
>
>But, I was wondering...did you ever manage to complete any courses you took?
>
I have bipolar disorder in addition so it took me years , but yes, I not only
finished one degree, but two. I dropped courses many times. Once I explained to
schools why, they helped me anyway they could.
The Americans with Disibilities act covers mental illness too. I watched video
taped classes and completed distance learning courses online. It can be done -
and if you want it you will find a way. Just remember to reach out. There
aren't many people that have not had mental illness touch their friends or
families. There is still stigma, but it is not as bad as it once was. Good
luck!
Lil
blacknblue
> Hi, and, thanks for ALL of the tips. I read through everything you said,
> carefully, more than, twice./;-)/Thanks, and, good luck to you, too.
>
> But, I was wondering...did you ever manage to complete any courses you took?
oh yea, Ive completed about 30 credit hours or so...
MrUK4U
>>>
oh yea, Ive completed about 30 credit hours or so...
<<<
That's really cool!/;-)/I really wish I had your sort of strong staying
power...; but, I'm afraid, I might be far too weak!
Still, with me, persistence is everything...so, because I suffer from
ADD-Attention Deficit Disorder...my attention span is, therefore, never
constant...but, always wondering off towards something else, instead...yet, if
I'm, quite seriously, intrested in studying something...then, I will go back
and keep on trying, again and again...non-stop!
For example, in order to learn HTML(how to write web pages)...it would,
normally, take a person say 2 weeks - with a good book...something like HTML
Made Simple...published by Butterworth & Heinemann...around 200 pages of large
print. But, with me, it took maybe 4 years to go learn it...inconsistently
studying both on/and, off!
So, you can see from the above, that compared to a 'normal' person...studying
for me is, always, going to be a really big struggle!
However, one learns all sorts of strategies to cope with ADD. From dealing with
it.../or, just being aware of what might be most likely to cause it.
Dealing with it...
For example, I need to be, well and truly, very deeply interested in
studying/learning all about the subject...I have to most thoroughly enjoy
it...otherwise, I will just NOT be able to stick with it for too very long.
Being aware of what might cause it...
Also, the other thing that will turn my attention off...is if there are too
many stranger people around me...who I feel might not like me.../or, are
otherwise untrustworthy, or, are behaving agressively(either physcially/or,
teasing...nearly all of my school reports said...good pupil, but, far too
easily distracted!)...then, this too will tend to totally distract all of my
attention completely away from studying.
I will aim to avoid such people by just dropping out of any course I'm taking.
Avoidant Personality Disorder, I guess?! Or else, maybe, it's just me behaving
really cowardly./LOL/I admit, I am a complete coward when it comes to having to
go deal with any human confrontation...99 times out of 100 I will RUN!
MrUK4U
and, support, especially, in regards to my going to learn...by explaining to me
how you dealt with it. So, I thought, if she can do it...; then, so can I,
too??? I think, it was your own posts/emails to me...about this...that made me,
finally, make up my mind to go and give going back to college yet another
try...after, previously, having dropped out of there, twice...and, who knows,
this time might be, thrice?!
Anyway, thanks very much, again! Deeply appreciate it./;-)
However, I must acknoweledge, too, that I do want it...and, really very
badly...so, even without anybody elses encouragement/or, support...I do fully
intend to get it...go through college/then, onto university...and, eventually,
hope to obtain a degree. As this has always been my lifelong ambition...as was
drummed into me by my mother when young. So, overall, I think, I'm doing
this...not just purely to please me, alone...but, also, to please my parent.
MrUK4U
COMPUTER DRIVING LICENCE
Well, I been back to Brixton college, today, this evening, leaving my home
around 4:15 PM.
First, I went to Nat West bank to go and cash a check for £50.00. in order to
pay for college course fees. The cashier gave me back 5 x £10.00 notes. This
should allow me to go sign up for, at least, 5 seperate college courses.
Then, outside of the bank there is a bus stop...where I took a no 2 bus taking
me off towards Brixton College.
Initially, I went into room no 108. Where I saw one of my old college tutors,
Mr. Marsh. I told him I was looking to find, Paul Riley...the guy who had,
originally, signed me up for Web Design. Because, I wanted to know the results
of how my english test had gone? Mr. Marsh said that he had the results with
him there. And, then, he told me I'd gotten 34/out of 40...which, he remarked,
was really good. I said, I wonder what you have to do to get 40? He replied,
they don't let anybody get the full 40!
He, then, suggested to me...that because he already knows what I'm capable
of...as he's, already, seen me typing away really fast, before, doing 60+
wpm./-etc. That I should really be doing a Level 3 course...instead, of Level
2. So, for that purpose he put me through to another room...to go and meet a
lady called, Margaret(sorry, I forgot her last name?)...a new college tutor who
I've never met before.
In the same room as Margaret...I even saw my old college tutor. Abdullahi
Awale(whoose course I had, previously, 2 years ago dropped out of,
unfortunately). On seeing one another...we both rather nervously laughed
togeather...; and, also, shook hands, quite respectfully. Whilst he was
there...he witnessed my whole signing up process with this other course tutor
called: Margaret...; most probably, he might have been thinking to himself...oh
no...not him...because, he'll just drop out, again?!
Anyway, she discussed with me such things as do I know anything, atall, about
HTML-HyperText MarkUp Language. I told her, yes/and, DHTML-Dynamic HTML/and,
Javascript/VBScript-Visual BASIC Script/CSS-Cascading Style Sheets/the
DOM-Document Object Model/ASP-Active Server Pages/-etc.
Well, Margaret seemed fairly impressed that I already knew a fair bit about the
subject that I was trying to sign up for...; and, so, she agreed to sign me up
for the course to last a full year long. I went down to the registration
office, and, paid my fee of £10.00.
So, now, it's official I'm signed up at Brixton to take 2 college courses. 1
day per week, each. Monday mornings 9-12, I do Web Design in room A122. And,
Thursday evenings...12:30-5:30 I'm doing ECDL-European Computer Driving Licence
in room A125...which is the room directly opposite A122...(I went and checked
this...just to make sure I can find my way around both very quickly and
easily).
Originally, I had expected to sign up for Web Design to last only a few weeks
long - but, that was on the Level 2 course. But, having switched over to doing
this Level 3 more advanced course...it's going to last a whole year long,
instead...which I got to admit feels rather frightening??? The longer things
last for...the more likely it is I will drop out, eventually?! Because, I get
bored/or, I fall behind after missing far too many lessons/or else, my mind
just wonders off elsewhere/-etc. Nevertheless, I'm fully determined to 'try'.
WENT ADARE COLLEGE AND SIGNED UP TO DO 3 COURSES...TAI CHI/LIFE
DRAWING/PAINTING ON CHINA
After leaving Brixton College...I next decided to go and visit the Adare
College on Leigham Court Road. I really wasn't too certain about which courses
I might choose to do there. But, as it is...I signed up to do 3...
>Painting on China-Tuesday evenings.
>Tai Chi-Thursday evenings.
>Life Drawing-Friday mornings.
And, each college course cost me £10.00 each.
CONCLUSION
Thus, today I signed up for 4 college courses each costing £10.00...after
withdrawing £50.00 cash...meaning I spent altogeather £40.00...leaving me with
just £10.00 further to spend.
I think, I will spend that last £10.00 on taking a Tai Chi course on Saturdays
at Clapham College. But, because it was very late in the evening...I didn't
think it was possible to go sign up for the Clapham College course, today.
Instead, that will have to wait until when tomorrow comes, along.
KEEP ON WONDERING AM I TAKING ON FAR TOO MUCH, ALL TOGEATHER AT ONCE?!
I've also been thinking about going to visit Morley College near Westminister.
As I wanted to do a couple of language courses...especially, French(when I
inquired at the Adare-they said they were already full?!)/Japanese. Too, I
wanted to do Yoga/and, Fencing/as well as, many others.../-etc.
But, I guess, some of this other stuff which I wanted to take might just have
to wait...; as I'm getting slightly worried here that I might be taking on far
too much?!
It's always been really easy for me to go and sign up for absolutely endless
things, initially...; but, when it comes to getting down to the actual nitty
gritty of having to go turn up there, and, regularly...well, that's the really
hard part for me...where I can very easily fall down...many times, I go to
merely just 1 single class, alone...and, then, never turn up there ever, again,
anymore!
SOCIAL PHOBIA THOUGHTS/FEELINGS
Er...in regards to Social Phobia feelings...lol...I haven't even bothered to
mention anything about it...but, I can assure you...it's NOT been too very
easy...having to go meet/deal with loads of complete stangers...many times the
way I felt was that nobody really likes me...I don't fit in here...I feel both
ugly/and, unfit/no longer quite so young...also, I find it extremely difficult
to both make/and, keep eye contact/-etc.
Loads of really negative thinking going on.
But, I just have to keep on telling myself to competely ignore any negative
thoughts...and, just get on with thinking about other things...like making
quite sure the time of each course I'm signing up for...isn't going to
clash/and, over-lap with one another?! That's how I deal with Social Phobia
feelings, sometimes, by putting my mind elsewhere, instead...
LilithOMalley
>Message-id: <20030903174635...@mb-m07.aol.com>
>
>Just wanted to say, thank you very much Lil for all or your kind
>encourgement,
>and, support, especially, in regards to my going to learn...by explaining to
>me
>how you dealt with it. So, I thought, if she can do it...; then, so can I,
>too??? I think, it was your own posts/emails to me...about this...that made
>me,
>finally, make up my mind to go and give going back to college yet another
>try...after, previously, having dropped out of there, twice...and, who knows,
>this time might be, thrice?!
>
>Anyway, thanks very much, again! Deeply appreciate it./;-)
>
>However, I must acknoweledge, too, that I do want it...and, really very
>badly...so, even without anybody elses encouragement/or, support...I do fully
>intend to get it...go through college/then, onto university...and,
>eventually,
>hope to obtain a degree. As this has always been my lifelong ambition...as
>was
>drummed into me by my mother when young. So, overall, I think, I'm doing
>this...not just purely to please me, alone...but, also, to please my parent.
>
You are most welcome and good luck! Lil
John Jay
wrote:
>>Subject: Re: Socialising EXERCISES -(or, tricks)- one can do...
>>From: mru...@aol.com (MrUK4U)
>>Date: 9/3/2003 5:11 AM Eastern Standard Time
>>Message-id: <20030903051149...@mb-m16.aol.com>
>>
>>Hi, and, thanks for ALL of the tips. I read through everything you said,
>>carefully, more than, twice./;-)/Thanks, and, good luck to you, too.
>>
>>But, I was wondering...did you ever manage to complete any courses you took?
>>
>
> I have bipolar disorder in addition so it took me years , but yes, I not only
>finished one degree, but two.
It's always nice to hear someone with similar problems doing well.
Congrats.
blacknblue
Hey, glad to hear your signed up for some classes:) I think 4 or 5
is a good amount. I bet its gonna be hard since youre older to go to
college with a bunch of young guys and gals. Accept the challenge, if
you fail...oh well, shit goes on. The anxiety is a given...i don't
know how long you've had it, but probably a long ass time...when you
think of giving up also think of the skills and selfrespect you can
gain from finishing those courses. Even if your sp does not improve
one percent from going to college youll still be getting your
education. It can be painful but its no more painful than sitting at
home feeling guilthy.
peaCe
MrUK4U
Hey, glad to hear your signed up for some classes:) I think 4 or 5 is a good
amount.
<<<
Yea, I guess, it is...only I'm also going to have to go sign up for some more
college courses, too, as well.
Because, there are so many things which I've left out...including martial
arts(fencing/iaido-or, japanese sword drawing/yoga/keep
fit/dance/-etc.)/languages(french/japanese)/and, some others, as
well(keyboard/-etc).
You see, although I know it might be taking on a bit too much...I still can't
resist this golden opportunity...because, normally, these courses would cost me
both an arm and a leg! But, being I'm unemployed, and, can prove it...; so,
they are being given to me at a concessionary fee rate of just
£10.00...instead, of me having to pay 100's/1000's!
That makes me want to take on all the courses that my weekly time-table can
still manage...by filling in many of the gaps. So far, I still have days/times
that are FREE...; of course, I have to leave myself some FREE time to both
rest, and, relax...; but, not too much, as otherwise, I think, I'll simply
'waste' it in doing absolutely nothing?! When I could be gaining some further
useful skills, and, qualifications -(I have nil qualifications?!)-, instead.
>>>
I bet its gonna be hard since youre older to go to
college with a bunch of young guys and gals.
<<<
Yes, it is as difficult as sheer hell!/LOL/It's like you see all of these sexy
young things...; but, they are like half your age, say, very young 20's, or,
even in their younger still teens(17+)...; and, you feel you have no right to
go chasing after them.../or, even looking at them...because you are, simply,
far too old...like double their age...(and, NOT getting any younger/lol)?!
And, when it comes to dealing with the guys...ha!...really pretty scary...as, I
know, just how hot-headed and agressive dealing with younger guys can
be...also, they are so much younger/stronger/fitter than me...that I feel like
if we ever have to fight...then, most definitely, I'm going to be the one who
is going to loose like every single time!
Also, it's hard for me to say go and join in with doing young men's
sports...such as say football/-etc. Because, quite frankly, I'm totally out of
shape to be able to do that(permanent stomach ulcer/artritis in the knees,
occassionally/sciatia-lower back/hip pain both on and off/-etc.). So, I can't
really run too fast. I'm not strong enough-can be easily pushed or bounced
around. I don't have the same stamina as them. Nor do I have the same degree of
physical co-ordination.
(See, last time I was in college...which was 2 years back; when I had quit
after only going there for no longer than 6 months, I tried playing football
with the guys...and, oh boy, all I remember is a feeling of total DISGRACE! I
couldn't match any of them, atall...not even one single one...! I fought this
is it...; old age has got me f****d!)
I really don't mind people being far better than me, though...; that's
perfectly ok...; in fact, I find it very highly 'inspiring'...making me wish to
do far better, and, constantly seek to improve myself, in order to catch up
with them???
But, what I do mind is other people looking straight down their noses at
me...or, seeing me as nothing but a bit of a joke...being like utterly weak,
and, useless...when compared to them. Boy, do I, really and truly, HATE
that..it makes me feel very ANGRY inside...I feel, well and truly,
INSULTED...after all, nobody likes to feel SCORNED, I guess?!
To be perfectly honest, I do have this strong highly competitive nature in
me...and, it's been that way right throughout my life...from ever since I was
young. So, I dislike loosing very much.../and, I also strongly dislike coming
in as 2nd best.../for me, only 1st place will do...; but, then, again, the
reality is...that I have no other choice but to accept...1000th place,
backwards, now-a-days!/LOL
>>>
Accept the challenge, if
you fail...oh well, shit goes on.
<<<
Yes, I figure...if I take on far too many courses, all at once. Then, simple,
all I have to do if the pressure gets to be far too much for me...is drop
courses which I feel I really do not NEED! Such as those which do offer me no
'official' qualifications at the end. Certainly, all of the 'keep fit' classes
can be dropped.../and, also, the art classes, as well.../because, I can choose
to go do these at any other time.
And, even if I end up quitting, everything, altogeather...I still can feel
fairly proud of myself for having, at least, 'tried' this year. Which is far
better than I did last year...; when I just gave up, completely...and,
therefore, didn't even bother with applying to go back to college, atall!
>>>
The anxiety is a given...i don't
know how long you've had it, but probably a long ass time...
<<<
I've had it, quite simply, forevermore! Or, for at least as long as I can ever
recall...which is going all the way right back into very youngest
childhood...and, I'm talking pre-teens...maybe, actually, even during
infancy...when I recall feeling very deeply uncomfortable having to go into
infants school...to mix with other playground infants!
>>>
when you
think of giving up also think of the skills and selfrespect you can
gain from finishing those courses.
<<<
Yes, increasing my self-respect is, in fact, what it's all about. Without
having any qualifications, atall, to prove that I'm worthy...just like all the
rest of them...then, I actually feel like being nothing else but a total
unemployed dum bum...who has to go live all the rest of their life being stuck
in the gutter...and, just can't get themselves out of there?!
>>>
Even if your sp does not improve
one percent from going to college youll still be getting your
education.
<<<
Yes, I kinda figured that, too...like even if I went to just say only 1 single
class, alone...and, then, dropped out, competely...then, that would still mean
I've moved on just a little bit further in the 'learning' process.
>>>
It can be painful but its no more painful than sitting at home feeling
guilthy.
<<<
Yea, exactly, sitting still at home all day/night long...doing what amounts to
actually acheiving virtually NOTHING?! Most certainly, does not make me feel
good. So, I thought to myself...if I really must go 'waste' time...; then, why
not 'waste' it by going off to college, instead?!
>>>
peaCe
<<<
Thanks very much for your reply...; and, sincerely, I wish you every possible
GOOD LUCK, and, SUCCESS to you, too!
;-)
MrUK4U
jeep...1 of the girls said, 'hello', to me...then, next, offered me a
ride...'do you want a lift?'
My immediate reaction was to instantly say, 'no thanks!'
Basically, they were not really my type.
But, nevertheless, the incident really made me wonder...what if...they had been
my type...would I as a Social Phobic person have choosen to go ride inside a
car with 3 girls??? Answer, is still a great big, NO!
(Because, I simply wouldn't have had enough guts!)
blacknblue
> I was walking down the Chelsea area...when I came across 3 girls in their
> jeep...1 of the girls said, 'hello', to me...then, next, offered me a
> ride...'do you want a lift?'
>
> My immediate reaction was to instantly say, 'no thanks!'
I hate that 'hurry up' feeling I get when I'm confronted with a
unexpected question... Ill just answer the question before I have
a chance to think about it...then get myself into some shit I want
nothing to do with!
> Basically, they were not really my type.
> But, nevertheless, the incident really made me wonder...what if...they had >been
> my type...would I as a Social Phobic person have choosen to go ride inside a
> car with 3 girls??? Answer, is still a great big, NO!
> (Because, I simply wouldn't have had enough guts!)
Yep! I had one of the most popular girls in school ask me to
homecoming my junior year in high school and turned her down because I
was too much of a little bitch :(
None
>
>>Basically, they were not really my type.
>>But, nevertheless, the incident really made me wonder...what if...they had >been
>>my type...would I as a Social Phobic person have choosen to go ride inside a
>>car with 3 girls??? Answer, is still a great big, NO!
>>(Because, I simply wouldn't have had enough guts!)
> Yep! I had one of the most popular girls in school ask me to
> homecoming my junior year in high school and turned her down because I
> was too much of a little bitch :(
Hey at least you didn't get your balls stuck in the zipper.
Then again I think I could get over that if I'd get Cameron Diaz for it...
John Jay
That was several years later though.
MrUK4U
Recently, I read a newsgroup message which you'd posted to me in
reply./-Thanks!
But, I'm sorry, I didn't manage to answer you.
You see, on the previous day...I remember reading through loads of newsgroup
posts...and, I mean, LOADS...because, to tell you the truth, I did nothing else
all day/night long...I think it was from 9AM - 9PM! And, I also sent in like 10
or so replies. That's when I started feeling really rather ridiculous...; don't
I have nothing better to do in life than to live inside of newsgroups?!
Then, whenever the next day comes...all I do is read...but, don't even bother
to respond...(actually, I've responded just, once, today...with a post of 1
word long...saying, ...cool/;-)...and, of course, this 2nd one, right
now...)...because, I don't want my day to be totally taken over with just
attending entirely to newsgroups non-stop...straight from morning through
untill night!
Part of my own Social Phobia treatment, as I see it, is to get off this damned
computer, and, just get out there more. It's ever so easy to stay in...; and,
NOT go out...; so much simpler/safer to NOT have to go face dealing with PUBLIC
life...by just staying away from it all...by letting yourself get obsessed with
remaining ALL ALONE at the computer for all of 24 hours non-stop! But, I'm
fully determined to go, and, try much harder to get over this stinking peice of
s*** phobia!
Today, this evening, I went out to the park...and, did some running. I also met
a guy in the park who was running, too, in front of me...and, who had stopped
to walk, instead. I decided why not try and chat to him?
My opening line was...'do you run all the way around this entire park? Because,
me, many times, I've tried it...and, never yet managed to complete doing even a
single lap without stopping...maybe, having to go stop say, 10/or, 20 times!'
He laughed, and, said, he is exactly the same. Also, starting to run...; and,
then, stopping to walk.
In the long conversation we had...
He said, his name was Omar...from Cameroon. He lives in South Norwood. And,
that he was aged 20.
I told him, that I'm Paul, and, was born here in London/England. That I live in
West Norwood. And, am currently aged 40.
Anyway, I joined him in going around the park, twice. And, it was fun finding a
running partner for once. Sometimes, he would leave me way behind. Other times,
I would leave him...whenever he stopped to walk. And, so we took turns passing
one another. Also, it was fun having somebody else to talk to...who shares your
same interests in life...rather than running around the park, all alone, rather
like a zombie...(lol)!
I told him I like martial arts...but, I'm nothing more than a complete and
total beginner...because, I never stick with physical training too long...but,
instead, I tend to quit always far too soon...before my physical skills can get
to improve...then, I'm back to square 1, again, being totally unfit!
I also showed him a forward roll over...first, on soft grass.../then, next, I
did it on hard solid concrete.../also, I demonstrated a few martial arts moves
to him...by doing a solo pattern.../and, finally, did some pre-arranged light
contact sparring with him...showing him 3 possible variations of how to execute
one particular move.
But, very quickly, I added that I really don't know what the hell I'm doing
here...as I'm just a mere 'white belt' beginner...and, if he really wishes to
go learn it, properly...then, he needs to get in touch with somebody who is,
well and truly, professional. And, I told him about where in the area there are
a few martial arts clubs...; and, also, what their prices were, alike.
I also told him the last martial arts lesson I attended was Brazillian
Capoeria(dance like style). He said, yes, he has heard of it...; and, they do
very gymnastic like moves. He said, he really loves that style. I agreed, yes,
me too. It was utterly AMAZING as I remember! And, I must go back there, one
day...as soon as I am feeling up to it(not always in the mood to go
socialising).
I asked him what sort of sports he likes? He said, football/and, he also used
to do gymnastics, too...; but, when much younger...around aged 12.
I said, hey, I always wanted to go and learn gymnastics...as I wanted to learn
how to do forwards/backwards flip somersaults. And, did he think it was
possible to go teach yourself?
He said, no, it's best to get proper training, instead...; otherwise, you could
end up breaking your back, or, something like that?! Whereas, in a proper class
situation...they give you real easy exercises to do, at first...then,
gradually, increase this to become harder and harder still...then, in around 4
months time, or, so...you should be able to do forwards/backwards flips easy!
I don't actually remember what the time was when we stopped walking/running.
But, it must have been around 8PM. Then, we decided to go home togeather...as
we both were heading off in the exact same direction...West Norwood -my own
destination- comes, first.../then, South Norwood -his desitination- is on top
of it.
At first, we thought about taking bus...; but, then, I said I would much prefer
to continue walking/running. So, we both walked, and, jogged home, instead.
Along the way home, he told me he is unemployed, and, currently looking to find
a job. At the moment he is going to Croydon college...as he is still learning
to speak English, properly...as he has only been here for 1 year. He also said,
he speaks both French/Italian...and, had visited those places, too.
And, I replied, I'm also unemployed...and, had recently applied to go to
Brixton college...but, hadn't gone there, yet?!
And, that I'm amazed that he knows how to speak so many languages...as I'm only
fluent in one, alone, which is English...though, I have applied to go to
college to study learning French. That I've never had a passport, yet...but,
maybe, one day?!
I told him, basically, one gets used to living in a certain situation...having
lived like that for all of your whole life...this regular routine, then, sort
of makes you feel extremely safe...and, then, you just don't wish to go taking
any brand new risks?!
He said, he can fully understand that. And, that he needs to learn to take a
few more risks, himself, too.
Also, whilst we were walking past a pizza shop...I went and brought him a can
of Fanta fizzy orange drink...; and, one for myself, as well. Because, so much
running tends to leave one feeling weak/exhausted/dehydrated ...so, we both
needed to replenish ourselves with fluid. He politely thanked me, of course.
Eventually, I left him standing at a bus stop near my road. And, gave him my
telephone number to call.
As far as I'm concerned, if I can find a regular running partner...then, this
will inspire me to keep on running like multiple times per week. Whereas,
otherwise, all I tend to do is just run merely, once, a week.../or, even, once
a month.../or, at worse, only once every 3 months/and, that's it!
Anyway, he said that his aim was also to go running around Brockwell Park for,
at least, 3/4 times per week. And, in that way, he believes he will eventually
be able to cover doing laps through the park, non-stop. So, we seem to have
similar goals...which is why I decided to give him my phone number.
Oh yes, and, I remember one incident...where it had gotten late...and, already,
the park gates were shut...with hardly anybody else to be seen inside of the
park??? Then, we both knew it was time to leave before the gates shut!!!
As we were in the process of figuring how to get the hell out of there...we ran
into a teenager girl with her bike...who, also, couldn't find a way to get
out?! So, she asked us to lend her a hand in jumping over the fence...; Omar
climbed over the fence, first...; and, then, she handed him some papers to
hold...; and, I helped her lift her bike up high over the fence...as she didn't
seem to have enough strength?! Then, she climbed over. And, me, next. I was
getting really worried I was going to look a right fool, though...in attempting
to climb over the fence...just in case I tripped, and, fell or something?! But,
as it was, this part of the park fence is fairly short...no more than around
chest height...and, I'm 5ft 8in...so, in fact, I found climbing over it really
easy. -Thank goodness!
Well, the time now is nearly 11:30 PM...and, I'm wondering if I should go back
out there, again?! I'm feeling rather weak/tired, though...after being up since
very early morning...around 6, or, 7AM!
But, even if I don't find enough courage to go out anywhere else, tonight. The
fact is I did go out...-(quite unlike, yesterday)-...and, I did make an attempt
to go and meet people, as well. So, I'm still in the process of trying to learn
to socialise a bit...
But, if I'm being perfectly honest. The truth is I still don't trust strangers,
atall! I still don't know how to judge who is good or bad?! Instead, I just
feel every single time I go out, and, meet complete strangers...it's like
taking a really BIG risk...will I be, well and truly, sorry, or, not???!!!
And, I'm still not sure I want to be really close to anybody...for
friendship/or else, more...instead, I just want to keep everyone at a totally
'safe' purely surface distance away from me.
Somehow or other, though, I'm going to have to work at bringing nearly all of
my socialising barriers, right down...; and, damn, learning to do that is going
to be about as hard as HELL is!
Like I remember being on the bus, today...this was before I went into the park.
And, I saw a girl I liked the look of. Not perfect...; but, nevertheless, nice.
And, there was just NO WAY I could figure out how to talk to her?! -(However,
talking to a person of the same sex as me...somehow, has NEVER seemed quite as
highly threatening...as trying to talk to somebody of the opposite sex?!)- All
I could think of on the bus is...if I said something to her...then, everybody
else would hear it/and, be listening in to every single word...and, I do NOT
want the whole entire bus...crammed full with loads of people...hearing me
attempt to go chat up a girl?! In fact, I do wish these muvverfukkers would
just, quite simply, mind their own frigging business! Anyway, so, that's the
main reason why I said, absolutely nothing...; and, just came off the bus
without even talking, atall.
MrUK4U
good experiences, for me, alone...; but, also, some bad. Well, tonight I
suffered having a bit of a bad experience. However, what truly matters here is
not that the experience was bad in itself...but, just how good/bad will be ones
reaction towards it?! Namely, will one be able to deal with it, quite
effectively, or not???
5:00 AM - Had a bit of a problem night, I'm afraid.../(and, indeed, it was a
full moon, too...that I had noticed high up in the sky...before I'd even begun
my journey going out!).
I went out really early to go get a newspaper for my mum...at Victoria station
news-stand. Brought it, and, then, decided to go do some walking...ending up in
the West End city centre, Soho -(red light district)- area...which was pretty
much closed shut/and, largely, empty of people...; then, next decided to move
on walking towards Oxford Street, instead.
The police saw me...as I was passing through a back street.../but, they were in
an unmarked car...wearing plain clothes, though...; so, I really couldn't tell
if they were, actually, police or not?! Basically, what happened was...when I
saw their unmarked car/with 2 plain clothes people in it watching me...I didn't
know if they were criminals or not...looking to go find some trouble???!!! So,
very quickly, I decided to go take another turning....well, big mistake,
because their car followed me along...and, straight into a dead end...with
nowhere else to go!
They came out of their car. And, told me to stand up against the
wall...searched all through my coat, and, trousers pockets...took my
name/address...asked me all kinds of really stupid questions...do I do drugs?
No. Do I live in this area? No, I live in West Norwood. They said, that's far
away from here...; so, what am I doing in this area walking through darkly lit
dead end streets? I answered, I thought that this road was going to be a short
cut leading me into Oxford Street. Anyway, they did a radio check on me...after
asking me if I'd ever been in trouble with the police, before? I told them, no.
The radio check proved to be negative. Finally, they let me go...saying that
they would be keeping the notes they had taken on me down at the police
station...; but, I forget which?! As I was just happy to be released...; and,
not have to spend the rest of the night being locked up!
God, I hate it...the feeling of being picked on, and, for really no good
reason, atall?! I mean, it's meant to be a FREE country, right...where one
should be able to go whereever you please/whenever you please...well,
unfortunately, it's not! If the police see you, and, decided they don't like
your face/clothes/race/build/-etc. Then, they will try to hassle you loads! I
just hope I don't go running into those same silly fukkers, again...!
But, my mind is made up not to worry about it, too much. Because, it isn't the
first time that I've been stopped by the police. They used to stop me an awful
lot, especially, when I was younger. As, I guess, they figure that all younger
people are into drugs/gangs/or else, are interested in becoming potential
criminals! So, the best way I've learnt to go deal with such things is just,
quite simply, ignore it...and, just move on.
In other words, by letting ourselves concentrate far too much on purely
negative things...then, we do give those negative things complete control, and,
also, total power over us...because, we've become utterly obssessed with such
thoughts...and, therefore, can think of absolutely nothing else! But, if we do
NOT attach ourselves to negative thoughts, atall...just let them both
come/then, go...without trying to, rather desperately, hold on to these same
thoughts...then, we find they really do have very little, or, even no power
over us, whatsoever!
My intention is to continue walking out late at nights...; and, not let this
foolish incident bother me...; so, as to prevent me from doing that, anymore.
Namely, I have a right to walk FREELY in -(what is meant to be?)- an entirely
FREE country!
mad mitch
"MrUK4U" <mru...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20030911103132...@mb-m26.aol.com...
Yes! A shame this had to happen with your good experience of the day
before. Did the friend you met out running phone you?
To prove you are not alone with experiences like this, I have a mentally
disabled friend who prefers to sleep all day and be up at night. He lives
in the country and often goes out walking 3-4 in the morning and has, like
you, been arrested. For some unknown reason, the police seem unable to
comprehend why anyone would want to be out at that time of night, for no
other reason that to listen to the wild life and be alone with nature.
As an even more horrible example, another friend I once knew had a heap to
drink at the pub one evening and then he walked out into the country and sat
quietly and peacefully on a hillside, looking at the sky and waiting for the
dawn. He truly just wanted to see the sunrise. I can understand this
perfectly but the police NOT ONLY arrested him, but they dragged him into a
psychiatric hospital where they duly INJECTED him with a large dose of
anti-psychotic medication. I saw him a few days after, dead, numbed,
staring into space, walking on the spot and twitching and having spasms due
the medication. This was a young lad of 19, into TV, football, girls -
totally and completely sane.
Just be careful Paul - this is a true story! I really would not like
something like this to happen to you, you would never go out again!!!! :(
Just be warned that sometimes the police really do earn the dubious honour
of being referred to as "pigs".
Michelle
MrUK4U
Yes! A shame this had to happen
<<<
Thanks very much for the sympathy.
Also, I read your stories all about what happened to the other two guys you
mentioned...; wow, they got hit on by the police even far worse than me, then!
-(Pigs, is NOT a term I tend to use very much.../though, some others do tend to
use it one hell of a lot...; and, perhaps, quite understandably! Myself, I was
brought up to respect the police...and, indeed, I still do. For without law and
order.../where in the hell would we all be?!)-
>>>
with your good experience of the day before.
<<<
I don't think I've ever had the experience of...an entirely ALL GOOD day/or, an
entirely ALL BAD day, before?! Instead, both...GOOD/BAD moods, and, GOOD/BAD
situations...are, ever-constantly, CHANGING...and, for all of 24 hours long!
Thus, what I'm actually trying to say here is...I could, if I wished
it...choose to write only about the BAD things that ever happened to me, during
the day.../or, I could choose to focus only on the GOOD things that ever
happened to me, during the same day.../and, so, it's really all down to my own
personal choice about exactly which way the 'spotlight focus' will precisely
tend to turn to, and, highlight???
Thus, speaking strictly for the record here...these are, very carefully, EDITED
postings...; and, do NOT include absolutely ALL and EVERYTHING that ever
happened to me during any particular day, atall!
Usually, I will merely attempt to address say one, two, maybe, three or four
incidents...that, actually, happened...and, that's it. Anything else, which I
think might be...
>boring(whenever I go out...I see/experience 100's/1000's of things...but, I
don't even bother with reporting on it ALL!!! For that would, quite simply,
take far too damned long!!!
Outside I
see...river/lakes/canals/trees/flowers/birds/bees/grass/concrete/architect
ure/cycles/cars/motor-bikes/busses/areoplanes/weather/shops/people/babies/
girls/boys/men/women/the aged/able bodied/disabled/friendly/mean/-etc.
The list just goes on and on and on...quite endlessly...and, yes, I do remember
-(at least, some of)- these...but, just don't always bother to report it.)
>irrevelant(also, I might just tend to think that such info. is NOT, quite
truly, relevant for this particular newsgroup...because, it in no way relates
to Social Phobia feelings...
...or else, is more suited for posting into another newsgroup...such as say, I
suffer from a stomach ulcer...which would mean, any problems that I've been
experiencing on that score... I'd try writing about that to the stomach ulcer
newsgroup, instead. And, so on...)
>far too deeply shocking(...if I've really gone and put my big mouth.../or,
foot in it, and, BIGTIME...and, do feel much too deeply embarassed to be able
to confess about it to others...then, of course, I just simply shut up, and,
say absolutely nothing!)
>Inside of my mind's eye, I either tend to...think, and/or, imagine, all sorts
of thoughts, constantly, all the time...as, in fact, a large part of my
day...perhaps, by far the largest part...is just spent doing nothing else, but,
merely THINKING...these, internal thoughts, too...I don't always bother to set
down.
/-etc.
...thus, all of the above things, and, more...I will have, quite deliberately,
choosen to EDIT out of the picture, altogeather...which means instead of
getting the FULL PICTURE of exactly how my day went.../you are only getting a
quite closely CROPPED DOWN PICTURE!
>>>
Did the friend you met out running phone you?
<<<
First, let me, carefully, point out...the guy who I met whilst out
walking/running in the park...Omar...I only ever saw or met just, once, in all
of my entire life. By which I mean to say, I would NOT classify him as being a
true 'friend', yet. Instead, I would merely classify him as being merely no
more than a one off passing acquaintance...; that is, until we ever do get to
meet, again???
And, now, onto more fully answering your question...no, I haven't heard from
him.../nor seen him, yet. But, then, I haven't been back down to Brockwell Park
to go and run, yet, neither.
As I understand it...he explained to me he is still studying at college how to
speak English, properly.../and, also, is looking rather desperately to find
some work...and, going from following his own account...is much too poor to be
able to afford either a home phone/or, mobile phone of his own...so, my guess
is, quite likely, he is much too poor to be able to afford to make regular
phone calls, too?!
Thus, my greatest likelihood in meeting him, again, is seeing him in the park
doing some jogging. He said, he goes there around 5-6PM(evening). Well, me,
normally, I go there around 6-7AM(morning)...long before anybody else ever
wakes up...so, that way I can get to run, alone...with no people
staring!/Otherwise, I might go into the park at any other wholly unpredictable
time, such as whenever my mood finds it necessary to go off, and, do some
running...but, most certainly, I never was one for sticking to exact time
schedules. In other words, I won't be going down to the park just merely to go
find him there?! Instead, I go there purely to please me...; and, serve my own
selfish interests -(which is to keep fit)-, alone.
If I'm perfectly open and honest about it...then, I really have to
admit...after going off to the park for years and years, now...and, choosing to
talk to just a few very highly select people...-through, very rarely,
indeed!/Something like only one time in every 2/or, 3 months-...but, still,
every now and then, I do manage to do it...so, I've come to meet a few who I
was quite keenly interested in going and exercising with, and, on a regular
basis...but, then, -apart from just, once- all of the rest of them I never ever
saw/or, met, again?! Thus, I tend to look at things, perfectly
realistically...meaning, 99 times out of 100 I will not see them ever, again,
anymore...; but, still do have plenty of hope of finding that, very highly
precious, 1%!
Thanks very much, indeed, for your tremendously kind, and, generous interest
towards me.
I have to admit, I do love reading through ALL of your own posts, too.
And, sincerely, I hope you have a VERY lovely day!/;-)
mad mitch
> -(Pigs, is NOT a term I tend to use very much.../though, some others do
tend to
> use it one hell of a lot...; and, perhaps, quite understandably! Myself, I
was
> brought up to respect the police...and, indeed, I still do. For without
law and
> order.../where in the hell would we all be?!)-
>
Don't get me wrong, I have a healthy respect for the police, but I have a
healthy fear too. You know as well as I do the incidences of wrongful
imprisonment that have occured in this country.
Michelle
MrUK4U
>>>
Don't get me wrong, I have a healthy respect for the police, but I have a
healthy fear too. You know as well as I do the incidences of wrongful
imprisonment that have occured in this country.
Michelle
<<<
AGED 25
Yes, I do. In fact, when I was around 25...the police came and nabbed me off
the streets...because, I was running(jogging)!
They said, as soon as I saw their Panda car...I had started to run. I
protested, of course, that I was just merely doing some running exercise.
They, next, claimed there are burgular robbers in the area...even, though, I
had absolutely nothing on me...such as carrying an armchair/or, even a single
plastic bag?!
They told me to stand up against the wall to be searched...with my hands over
my head...and, don't drop my hands...or else, you know what happens next?!
When a crowd started to gather around. One officer said to the next...we can't
do this here on the street. Then one told me, 'you're nicked!'...; immediately,
dumped me into their panda car, and, we went straight off down to the police
station...(you feel like you're being kidnapped/and, there is absolutely
nothing you can do to resist?!)
...and, locked me up in a tight, small, and, damn utterly stinking jail
cell...with a filthy toliet bowl/a PVC sleeping couch/and, a small unopened
window being located at the top of it...(I was worried about who else they
might bring to put in here with me??? A drunk/a druggie/a
homo/-etc.)...somewhere, I'd never been before?!
Later on, they let me out...after deciding my identity really did check out,
ok...; told me, sorry, and, they would give me a car lift right back to the
place where they had, originally, found me...kept me waiting for around 1/2 an
hour long, quite expectantly...then, came and told me they are far too
busy...so, I must go walk...and, find my own way back, all alone!
Well, so much for me having any deep trust in the police. Becuase, I know, all
too well...that there are both good/bad officers out there...some of who do
abuse their powers, quite simply, purely for the sheer FUN of it.../or, so that
they can get to bump up their criminal catching statistics for that day!
AGED 8
Another time, I was aged around 8 years old...and, walking off down the road
towads school...I just came out of my house...and, had crossed over the
road...there was a young white policeman...repeatedly punching a black African
lady in the face, again and again...
...it was obvious that she was no fighter, atall...as she didn't even attempt
to go block the punches...but, just took them straight loud smack bang whallop
right in the face!
Of course, pretty soon, a small crowd of other people walking down the street
came along, and, gathered...but, still the officer didn't stop hitting her!
I think, the people looking on...were far too deeply afraid to go up, and, do
anything about it...just in case they might, possibly, get arrested
themselves?!
Ever since, then, from when I was young...I learnt, there are some police
offers who are just NOT be be trusted, quite simply, NEVER EVER! So, for
me.../just like for you.../no they are not ALL angels.
MrUK4U
MY FIRST DAY GOING BETWEEN 2 COLLEGE(S)
Brixton College
I knew I had to wake up, early, to go to Brixton college...in order to start
doing a Web Design course. So, I slept fairly lightly...as opposed to going
into any deep sleep...thinking, I might soon have to go wake up?!
I got there late...as class started at 9AM morning...and, I'm used to sleeping
until, at least, 10AM. So, being punctual, and, on time is something I'm really
going to have to work on?! I think, I left my home at 9AM...which is exactly
just when the class is starting...which is not atall unusual for me to do
whenever it comes to attending appointments!
Plus, I actually went to sleep at 4AM. So, waking up at 8AM...had meant I'd
only gotten in just merely 4 hours rest, alone...; normally, I need to have a
full 8 hours rest in order to fully recover from all that had gone on during
the day, before...; this left me feeling really quite sleepy right throughout
the rest of the day...
Going there in the morning was, also, made extremely difficult because, no 1,
there was rush hour traffic jam to have to go deal with...let's just put it
this way, it would have been far faster walking there...; than, choosing to go
take bus! And, no 2, I'd completely forgotten to take along my college photo ID
pass.../so, I felt I had no other choice, but, to get off the bus/cross over
the road/then, take the bus straight back home, again...find my pass...and,
then, go back off to college, again, once more.
When I did, eventually, get down to Brixton College...and, had found the
correct classroom? First, I made my excuses for having turned up there 1 hour
late! And, I found much to my utter amazement that the class was really very
small...-(I had been fully expecting to see a big class of, at least, over 10+
people)-...instead, I saw around 5 or 6 pupils, altogeather...mostly
men-including me...and, I saw one teenage girl/and, another girl, possibly, in
her mid-20's. And, the teacher herself, Margaret, is a woman, too.
The first hands on exercises to be practiced on the computer. I found really
pretty easy. It was just create some HTML tables...by following the
instructions being shown inside of a self-teaching step by step book. When
finished. I asked the teacher if she thought what I'd done was ok? And, she
replied, yes. So, no problems there. As I already knew all of that stuff,
before, anyway.
The teacher also gave us some home work to do. We are meant to create a web
site...which is, at least, 10 pages long...on any subject of our own
choosing...I think, I will choose to create an Aikido martial arts web
site...as this is a subject I'm rather keenly interested in. And, the homework
question is to write about which subject we would like to choose? But, I forgot
what the other question was about??? Except, I remember we were asked to write
out at least 1/2 a page in answer to each of these 2 questions.
Rushed off home...to go and put my Web Design papers down. And, also, to get a
drink/and, some salad food. When I left home...the time was around 1PM...and,
my next lesson starts at 1PM...so, late, as usual!
Clapham College
1PM-3:30, I took beginners French. Again, I was late getting to the class. But,
this time I had one further excuse...-(that is, apart from being stuck in
really slow moving rush hour traffic!)-...the class still needed to be paid
for, first...; and, so, I had to wait a further 1 hour long...in a really slow
moving queue at the reception office...then, paid my £10.00...before being
allowed to go into the lesson itself...; so, I got into the actual classroom at
around 3PM...with just 1/2 an hour still left to go...of what was meant to
be...a full 2 an 1/2 hour lesson!
The beginners French I found to be fairly easy, as well. Especially, at this
complete beginners stage. As I'm more like intermediate level of ability.
The homework is to practice pronunciation of the french alphabet. Same letters
as in English...; but, some letters do have entirely different sounds.
A=ah/b=bay/c=say/-etc.
After French class...I went back home, again. Feeling quite glad...because, I
now have plenty of time left to go before my next class will be due to start at
6:30 PM.
At home, I had a drink, or, two.../but, I can't recall if I actually ate
anything?
5:00 PM - Went to Brockwell Park to go and do some walking/running. I did
around 2 laps. Very slow! But, I know, I have a number of keep fit (Tai
chi/Yoga) college classes coming up...and, I want to feel fit enough to be able
to keep up with these?!
6:30 PM-8:30 PM
Brixton College
I went and did Keyboard OCR. Unfortunately, the rest of the class seems to be
complete beginners...who are entirely new to the business of learning to touch
type...without looking at the keyboard keys...they are also very young, mere
teenager kids...who look like they've only just come out of school. And, the
class is mostly ALL 99% girls...both, I, and, another guy, are the only
exceptions to this rule. Needless to say, I felt most extremely shy...and, just
sat in a quiet corner seat...; and, pretty much, stayed hidden there...; trying
my best not to have to speak...just type, type, TYPE whilst staring at the
screen...; though, occassionally, I did have to talk either to the teacher,
repeatedly.../and, also, once, to the other guy who sat directly behind me-when
he initiated the conversation. The college Typing Tutor program has 15 lessons,
altogeather...I managed to complete doing 13 of these...; and the class shut
down as soon as I was starting on the 14th lesson...; I really felt
disappointed with myself...as I wanted to be able to complete all 15 lessons.
The teacher came and looked at my work...apparently, impressed...she said, she
would recommend I take a typing test sooner than all the rest of the class.
Being surrounded by all of these VERY young people...; makes me feel so
incredibly old!
Too, I'm the fastest typist there -(also, the least accurate, however?! Each
and every single sentence I type contains multiple mistakes!!!)-...I'm doing
60wpm on average...whilst all the rest of the class is doing only
around...20wpm on average, instead. But, this also serves to raise my acutely
self-concious awareness levels...even to the point where I think absolutely
everybody keeps on listening/watching only just me, alone!
I left this class feeling really pretty awkward...being surrounded by so MANY
girls...and, not really knowing what the hell to say to anybody there? Complete
strangers! Thus, I just very quietly left.
CONCLUSION
Overall, I've really enjoyed going back to college, so far. There is a strong
feeling of triumph going on inside of me that says...YES, I DID IT!/;-)
Partly, because, the college day has not proven itself to be far too hard on
me, yet?! And, the lessons have been really dead easy enough.
But, on the other hand, I can't honestly say I've learnt anything that is
entirely 'new', today...; and, I wonder if the classes which I've signed up
for, are not all far too simple?! Still, I'm sure, it will get much harder as
time rushes on by...; otherwise, it's likely I may start feeling most utterly
bored to death!
Well, I dropped out of college, last time, 2 years back. So, this time around,
I didn't wish to go take on college classes that were far too difficult for
me(which is why I decided to go leave out maths, altogeather, completely)...;
as I feared the extreme difficulty might put me off?! However, I must be
careful not to go the other way, instead...; and, so let the sheer simplicity
go put me off, neither! Because, either way, I could end up dropping out of
college classes.
Too, I confess, the day has been slightly hectic...having to rush straight off
from one college, Brixton/home...; then, hop over by bus off to the next,
Clapham/home...; then, back, again to, Brixton/home!
I'm finding it rather difficult...needing to both sleep(not getting enough
sleep-when I wish to go walking around streets, late at night, as well))/wake
up on time...; and, getting ready to go meet strict time schedules. As soon as
one class is done with...; I might not actually be able to go home to go take
refreshements...; but, instead, just proceed straight off to the next college
by bus. This means, I may need to bring along tablets(to treat stomach ulcer)
inside of my pocket/and, also, carry some water with me/or else, carry just
enough money with me to go buy a drink inside of the college canteen.
Studying...aiming for qualifications...has got to be far better, than, sticking
around at home both doing and acheiving absolutely nothing?! Thus, I feel I've
gone and made the right decision for myself by choosing to go back into
college...; which is something I should have been doing before, all along!
However, in terms of socialising...I've not really been trying, I'm afraid.
My own guess is this...sometimes, one goes to class...and, feels a very strong
affinity with say one or two others who you may meet there. And, yet, in other
classes...everybody seeems to be ever so damned cold/distant...like they don't
even really want to make friends...instead, they just want to get the whole
lesson, very quickly, over and done with...and, then, just simply go off home.
I think, that so far, most people aren't putting in much time to communicate
with one another...instead, they just do their work, then, completely
dissapear, afterwards. Which is fine with me, as well. But, if I really want to
make friends/find companionship...then, I'm going to have to either go to
different classes, elsewhere, where people are far more open, and, friendly
with one another...; or else, will need to go and force myself into having to
go make friends with others here. Still, this is just the beginning of my
classes...; and, so, there are many more classes which still haven't even
started, as yet, including keep fit(tai chi/yoga), and, art(paint & drawing on
China/Life Drawing)...where I will get to see/meet many more people...so, who
knows exactly what is still to come, I don't?!
My next college class will be in 3 days time...18th September...Brixton
College...12:30PM-5:30PM...ECDL/European Computer Driving Licence. This gives
me a few days to go take a break from having to endure keeping to really
tight/strict schedules...; and, just what a HUGE relief that is!/;-)
O_Zean
Can you tell us something baout the way you cope with dates or
appointments. I mean, let's say you know you are going to have an
appointment next friday. So you know you will have to socialize (date
with a girl or appointment for an interview etc). What do you do to
deal with this nervous-breaking situation. How do you kill time in the
meantime. I for instance think it will just fine and so on and the
next minute, my mind starts to beg me to stop this conversation and at
the end I call the person, but in the meanwhile I forgewt what I
asaying and at the end I don't what I told the other person and I
start thinking I was a jurk.
Well, thanks
mad mitch
> Ever since, then, from when I was young...I learnt, there are some police
> offers who are just NOT be be trusted, quite simply, NEVER EVER! So, for
> me.../just like for you.../no they are not ALL angels.
I had a run in at aged 11. I ran away from boarding school and caught the
midnight train to London. I arrived at Kings X at about 1.00 in the morning
and asked the first person I saw how to get to Heathrow Airport. As you
know, Heathrow is miles from Kings X and no transport at that time in the
morning. The guy I spoke to took me to the station master and he turned me
over to the police.
They took me back to school where I was treated as a hero!!!
MrUK4U
I love your posts, MR UK. Very clear and open.
<<<
Thanks.
-(Though, I doubt if everybody here would tend to agree with you?!/LOL/Some
find my post just far too rambling, and, long...; others, that I tend to
express things with far less than entirely correct grammer...thus, making the
posts extremely difficult to read...or, worse still, they might find what I
have to say just NOT interesting!/LOL)-
Personally, I can agree with ALL of the above points of view. Maybe, that's a
part of being Socially Phobic...which leads us into doing really far too much
over-thinking...thus, leading one, also, into being able to see loads of
different points of view...including both agreeing.../as well as, opposing
sides, too.
ASKING THE OPPOSITE SEX OUT ON A DATE
As to dates, sorry, I don't know. As, quite frankly, to date(no pun,
intended/lol)...even at 40 years old...I've still not been out on even 1 single
date with a girl, yet?! I just freak out completely whenever it comes to asking
girls out!!! And, so, basically, I never even tried doing that, before???
I can't say girls are exactly lining up to go out with me,
neither...unemployed/no car-can't even drive/middle aged-not as young, fit,
and, handsome as before I was when I was say half my current age of 40...;
though, even back then when I was younger...; then, I would have been simply
far too shy to go ask any girl out?!
But, nevertheless, there have been certain specific times in my life when such
a golden opportunity did, indeed, present itself to me...-(I liked her/she
liked me)-...where it was quite obvious that the girl wanted me to go ask them
out...but, I'm afraid, I just didn't do it!!! And, I guess, they were really
far too shy to go ask me out for themselves?! So, yes, what a TOTAL MESS!!!
I often think that, many times, the Socially Phobic person...looks back on
their entire lifetime...as being a whole entire series of MISSED golden
opportunies....!!!!!!!!!!!! Which, ultimately, makes you feel inside like being
a TOTAL FAILURE all throughout your life! I know, it makes me...'look back in
ANGER!'
Why must I feel I'm just NOT worthy of having respect/love/affection/success
just like others do???!!! It's almost as if all I ever do with my life is to
go, and, self-sabbotage it!!!
-(I think, I might just NEED to go and get some serious CBT/Cognitive
Behaviorial Therapy, or, some other talk therapy in order to resolve dealing
with this, constant...'self sabotage' issue...which, otherwise, I just CANNOT
seem to be able to resolve myself, effectively?!)
DEALING WITH MORE ORDINARY APPOINTMENTS
Quite frankly, nearly all appointments that have to deal with meeting new
people/or, even old acquaintances/or, even family, as well, sometimes...scares
the living daylights out of me...from just merely THINKING about it?!
How will I look to the other parties concerned...will I be able to make the
right impression on them to impress...will they love me/or, hate me...accept
me/or, reject me...will they be freindly/unfriendly...polite/or, mean?!
These deeply self-concious innermost thoughts leads to endless worrying...long
BEFORE the appointment has actually happened...; and, all DURING the actual
appointment itself...; and, also, constant worrying AFTERWARDS about how -I
imagined- things had gone, as well?!
Sometimes, far too much worrying done BEFORE the appointment...means I just,
simply, end up cancelling it, and, don't go!
I cancel such things as dentist appointments...-(or, other medically invasive
procedures such as blood test injections/-etc.)...-which involves both
PAIN(physical)/UNDRESSING(emotional)/and, being FORCED into having extremely
close physical proximity being next to a TOTAL STRANGER...as well as, having to
talk with them, constantly...most of whom I just don't even know, or, trust?!
Due to PROCRASTINATION...and, especially, whenever I'm feeling particularly
FEARFUL about doing something which I've never done before...going somewhere
where I've never been before...meeing people who I've never ever met before...I
might just keep on putting appointments off, again and again. One time I'd made
a G.P. appointment to go see a shrink...(this was when I was
Agoraphobic-housebound)-...and, after putting the thing off -that is, having
missed the appointment, altogeather- and, for the 3rd time...the shink came,
and, told me over the phone...that they were going to CANCEL it
themselves.../lol/...thus, saving me from having to go do any further
CANCELLING.
Too, very rarely do I know exactly what will happen...if I will cancel any
appointment, or, not...until when the very last minute comes along??? And,
only, then, do I discover if I really did/or, didn't go...
Once, going right back to teenage years...when I was 14...I was entered -after
having studied for a full year in school- to go take an English exam. But, too
much pre-nerves worrying/stress...-(mainly, worrying about how to deal with the
socialising aspects.../and, NOT the English test, itself-which is my fav.
subject)-...meant that I, quite simply, didn't turn up! (Which is a whole
entire year...just wasted...and, gone right down the bloody drain! How did/do I
feel about it...absolutely -beyond words- AWFUL!)
Other times, I worry and worry so much...BEFORE leaving to go...so, that I end
up leaving my home right at the very same moment when that appointment was
meant to begin...meaning I nearly ALWAYS get there quite seriously LATE!
A 9AM appointment has me leaving the home at exactly 9AM on the dot...or,
maybe, even just after it. Which, I think, is mainly due to doing far too much
pre-worrying about what exactly might happen, next?!
Today, I had to go to college for a first ECDL(European Computer Driving
Licence) course lesson. Well, the time I should have gotten there was
12:30PM...and, in fact, I reached there at 1:30PM. As soon as I entered the
classroom by knocking/then, opening up the door...with everybody staring at
me...I had to explain to why I'm ever so late! Well, I lied, instead of telling
the real truth...sheer FEAR of having to go meet 'new' people! I simply said, I
had completely FORGOTTEN that I had a class lesson on at this time?! And, quite
luckily everybody just laughed...; and, the teacher said, someone else had told
her the exact same thing. But, there were no really bad repercussions, yet?
The big problem is, when one gets there like LATE, constantly, all the time!
Then, you can get into dreadful, and, humiliating -(I find)- arguments with
teachers.
In that case, I might decide to completely drop out of going to those classes,
altogeather...just in order to avoid getting into any further arguments with
teachers.
Man, I've missed out on such golden opportunities to learn(dropping out of
courses, which I've already gone, and, PAID for!)...because, I became much too
fearful of going back there...and, having to talk with the teacher about being,
constantly, late!
CONFRONTATIONS with anybody, well and truly, SCARES me to DEATH! Because, I
think, the person(s) who I am having a CONFRONTATION with...is/are going to,
really and truly, absolutely HATE my guts...and, I just don't know how the hell
to handle dealing with that, atall???!!!
It's like they are getting upset at ME...and, I can both see/feel it...; and, I
can also feel myself...getting upset back/and, I'm sure, they can observe this,
too...; and, then, I just feel I gotta RUN...get the f**k out of here...as the
feeling of constant bitter TENSION hurts far too much!
But, I can only fully concentrate whenever I'm feeling relaxed/NOT far too
stressed, this is why I prefer many times to do most of my studying,
alone...with nobody else's emotions being there to come along, and, distract me
from getting on with studying. Too, studying, alone...I can get to choose my
own times/hours.
I never really learnt how to deal with negative emotions...and, still don't get
it, how to deal with this, effectively, atall?! Without letting it just
completely wind you up!!!
Sometimes, I think, I should go on an ASSERTIVENESS training course...which,
recently, I saw being advertised in college...but, no, I never had the
guts...as it seems to me that such courses...(unlike other non-personal
courses...where the WORK is the full FOCUS of everything)...FOCUS strictly on
YOU-and, YOUR behaviours, alone...as well as, in front of everybody else! So,
who knows, maybe, one day...I will, eventually, find enough guts to go do
this???
I could, in fact, go on for far longer here...; but, I don't want people to
accuse me of doing my usual endless rambling...; so, therefore, I'll stop!
>>>
Well, thanks
<<<
And, thanks, back to you, too./;-)
MrUK4U
Sounds to me like the cops treated you really very well, then./;-)
I mean, Kings Cross area of London...is, also, -(for those people who don't
already know...; such as our American friends)- a Red Light District
area...full of pimps/whores/kerb crawlers in cars/drug pushers/-etc.
So, the fact that you were aged only 11...and, could have been very easily
taken advantage of...by going up, and, speaking to the first person who you
saw...yet, still didn't manage to run into any serious trouble, atall,
there...is, truly, VERY lucky, indeed!
RAN AWAY MYSELF, ONCE, WHEN YOUNGER
I recall running away myself, once...also, oddly enough, co-incidentally,
somewhere around age 11. Basically, my mum started to beat me-hit me with a
bucket-which broke against my hand trying to block it...until I was
bleeding...and, still she wouldn't stop?!
So, I ran off right through the door...and, then, off down the road, crying my
eyes out, all the time...only when I'd gotten down to the public main road...I
find myself thinking all of a sudden, now, what the hell to do next?! I don't
know anywhere to go to.../nor, who to trust???
Anyway, to cut a long story real short...; eventually, I ended up at the police
station...; where my mum came an collected me...; man, that was really some
unforgettable night?! One of the worst parts about it for me, at that age, was
the police were, actually, laughing! Obviously, thinking to themselves this is
really FUNNY!
But, the good thing was that my mum cooled down a lot, and, stopped beating me
for around a fortnight/up to a month...then, the beating all started back up
over, again./LOL
mad mitch
Hardly a question of LOL I would have thought!!! What did you do as a kid
to warrant getting constantly beaten by your Mum??? One good thing I can
honestly say about my parents is that they never ONCE hit me. Mind you, I
was slapped round the face once by a NUN......but that is another story!!!!
Michelle
MrUK4U
Hardly a question of LOL I would have thought!!!
<<<
Well, as I see it...it's a lot easier when we've already grown up, and, our
parents are wholly unable to beat us, anymore...-(even if they may still want
to.../but, now-a-days, I'm physically bigger...; and, they are
smaller/weaker)-...to go laughing about it all.
Though, of course, I would agree that, at the time, it was NOT even in the
least bit funny to me, atall! Instead, I would just be crying both of my eyes
out!
As I see it, I went through 3 of the following stages...
1> I think, the child in many ways idealises their parents...realising that's
the ONLY parents they will ever have here on earth...-(plus, the bible
says...always honor thy mother and father)-...imagining even if they are
getting wrongfully beaten...that it is all their own fault...they must be
bad/evil to really deserve this dreadful sort of punishment...so, they blame
themselves...but, most definitely, NOT their parents...who they tend to view as
somehow being perfect, and, therefore, beyond judgement.
2> Then, as one reaches teenagehood...one tends to become really incredibly
judgemental about our parents...and, start to see all sorts of wrongs in
them...almost blaming them for absolutely everything, and, more! This is the
all out war stage...between parents, and, kids fighting back to take their
fullest possible REVENGE!
3> However, at some point, in time...during adulthood...you, quite suddenly,
realise that nobody is perfect...; and, this includes YOU, too, especially?!
That we all, in fact, are capable of making mistakes...; and, indeed, that
without the sheer blessing of forgiveness...then, the whole wide world around
us would be in a far bigger mess than it already is!!! At this stage we stop
judging our parents ever so much...; and, just try to learn to accept them
exactly as they are...warts and all.../and, NOT as being perfect super-human
beings...which is asking for the, truly, impossible!
As I've come to more fully understand it, now-a-days...my parent(single mum)
parents beat them, regularly...so, they didn't really know any other way of how
to, most effectively, bring up children...thus, they, quite naturally, assumed
that beating kids for every time they did something WRONG...was the RIGHT thing
to do. Thus, I can't really blame my parent for, basically, being totally
ignorant, and, therefore, NOT knowing any better?!
>>>
What did you do as a kid to warrant getting constantly beaten by your Mum???
<<<
Well, you know kids...lol...they do loads of wrongful things.
Constantly running around rather stupidly to show off, and, making loads of
non-stop NOISE...even when people are either trying to sleep.../or else, do
have a real bad headache/-etc.
Accidentally...broke the windowb/broke the furniture/broke the vase. Also,
somebody went and knicked my jumper/new running shoes, at school?!/-Etc. And,
that's a hell of a lot of pressure to put on poor people...who really can't
afford to buy these things in the first place! Having to go, constantly,
replace things, again and again...!
Too, I think, my mum had an awful lot of pent up stresses being put on
her...when she didn't know any other way of letting these out...-(that
particular generation of people didn't believe too much in going off to see
shrinks...-there was a huge stigma attached to anybody attempting to do
this!-...not unless they were, quite forcibly, being put into a
madhouse!)-...apart from to go and take out all of her pent up stresses on me,
instead!
>>>
One good thing I can honestly say about my parents is that they never ONCE hit
me.
<<<
You really don't know just how LUCKY you were, then./;-)
Because, in many of the families who I, personally, knew both the kids, and,
their parents...their parents did beat them, and, regularly, too.
Maybe, it's more of a cultural background thing. In some cultures beating kids
is regarded as being entirely, 'normal'. Nothing, truly, bad.../or, even
extraordinary about it, atall. Instead, it's seen as being the...one and only
way to keep the kids in line.../as well as, showing them exactly who's boss!
>>>
Mind you, I
was slapped round the face once by a NUN......but that is another story!!!!
<<<
Yes, my mum originally wanted me to go to a Catholic school...; as we were
Roman Catholics. And, I have heard many stories that inside of such schools the
nuns can be extremely strict! So, maybe, I was really very lucky, then...; that
all of the Catholic schools were already full up...; thus, instead, I went to
an ordinary public comphrensive -all boys- school...; not that that was too
much fun, neither, I can assure you...in the end I ran away from there at only
14...and, there was no way in the world that I was ever going back!
Can't help, but, to wonder to myself, though...; why do you think the nun had
choosen to slap you around the face for???
>>>
Michelle
<<<
-Paul
blacknblue
> Monday 15th September 2003
>
> MY FIRST DAY GOING BETWEEN 2 COLLEGE(S)
>
> Brixton College
>
> I knew I had to wake up, early, to go to Brixton college...in order to start
> doing a Web Design course. So, I slept fairly lightly...as opposed to going
> into any deep sleep...thinking, I might soon have to go wake up?!
>
> I got there late...as class started at 9AM morning...and, I'm used to sleeping
> until, at least, 10AM. So, being punctual, and, on time is something I'm really
> going to have to work on?! I think, I left my home at 9AM...which is exactly
> just when the class is starting...which is not atall unusual for me to do
> whenever it comes to attending appointments!
Im that way too:)
> Plus, I actually went to sleep at 4AM. So, waking up at 8AM...had meant I'd
> only gotten in just merely 4 hours rest, alone...; normally, I need to have a
> full 8 hours rest in order to fully recover from all that had gone on during
> the day, before...; this left me feeling really quite sleepy right throughout
> the rest of the day...
>
> Going there in the morning was, also, made extremely difficult because, no 1,
> there was rush hour traffic jam to have to go deal with...let's just put it
> this way, it would have been far faster walking there...; than, choosing to go
> take bus! And, no 2, I'd completely forgotten to take along my college photo ID
> pass.../so, I felt I had no other choice, but, to get off the bus/cross over
> the road/then, take the bus straight back home, again...find my pass...and,
> then, go back off to college, again, once more.
that sucks ass!
It might be best to stay at these low level classes...not because you
are at that level, but it may be helpful to keep it easy to get into
the flow of things...collegenstuff
I used to feel that way in high school math. I was one of the
smartest ones in class. I used to love answering questions that were
very complicated for others in the class to show that I was head and
shoulders ahead of them, but every time I answered questions a huge
wave of anxiety/ panic would come over me(even though I felt superior
to others in class that fucking anxiety still came in the same
form)...it was like the same anxiety I would get when the teacher
would ask me a question I had no clue as to wwhat the answer was...so
I felt really stupid/inferior...both ways I felt all eyes were on
me...
> I left this class feeling really pretty awkward...being surrounded by so MANY
> girls...and, not really knowing what the hell to say to anybody there? Complete
> strangers! Thus, I just very quietly left.
>
> CONCLUSION
>
> Overall, I've really enjoyed going back to college, so far. There is a strong
> feeling of triumph going on inside of me that says...YES, I DID IT!/;-)
>
> Partly, because, the college day has not proven itself to be far too hard on
> me, yet?! And, the lessons have been really dead easy enough.
>
> But, on the other hand, I can't honestly say I've learnt anything that is
> entirely 'new', today...; and, I wonder if the classes which I've signed up
> for, are not all far too simple?! Still, I'm sure, it will get much harder as
> time rushes on by...; otherwise, it's likely I may start feeling most utterly
> bored to death!
Thats how I felt about my class at the start, but they have gotten a
hell of a lot harder already!
> Well, I dropped out of college, last time, 2 years back. So, this time >around,
> I didn't wish to go take on college classes that were far too difficult for
> me(which is why I decided to go leave out maths, altogeather, completely)...;
> as I feared the extreme difficulty might put me off?! However, I must be
> careful not to go the other way, instead...; and, so let the sheer simplicity
> go put me off, neither! Because, either way, I could end up dropping out of
> college classes.
> Too, I confess, the day has been slightly hectic...having to rush straight off
> from one college, Brixton/home...; then, hop over by bus off to the next,
> Clapham/home...; then, back, again to, Brixton/home!
>
> I'm finding it rather difficult...needing to both sleep(not getting enough
> sleep-when I wish to go walking around streets, late at night, as well))/wake
> up on time...; and, getting ready to go meet strict time schedules. As soon as
> one class is done with...; I might not actually be able to go home to go take
> refreshements...; but, instead, just proceed straight off to the next college
> by bus. This means, I may need to bring along tablets(to treat stomach ulcer)
> inside of my pocket/and, also, carry some water with me/or else, carry just
> enough money with me to go buy a drink inside of the college canteen.
>
> Studying...aiming for qualifications...has got to be far better, than, sticking
> around at home both doing and acheiving absolutely nothing?! Thus, I feel I've
> gone and made the right decision for myself by choosing to go back into
> college...; which is something I should have been doing before, all along!
>
> However, in terms of socialising...I've not really been trying, I'm afraid.
The way I see it, if you really want to try and socialize, try finding
a club...such as chess, hiking or whatever you're into...like martial
arts...socializing in college can be pretty tough because...at least
in my case I tend to judge my college performance on how many words I
say in class even if I just talk a bunch of complete bullshit that
goes nowhere...instead of focusing on developing responsibility by
attending class, paying attention, doing hw assignments...and not
procrastinating...that will help your anxiety more than just throwing
up a bunch of conversation openers intended as therapy for your
anxiety...In my expierence all my conversations that Ive
started...with theraputic goals being my motivating factor, have ended
up either having to listen to someone ramble on and on about some
topic I could give less of a shit about(In which case I find it
impossible to pay attention) or the person the conversation is
directed to knows my intentions and just gives me a "bullshit" look
and finds someone else to talk to who has more interesting things on
their mind:(
> My own guess is this...sometimes, one goes to class...and, feels a very strong
> affinity with say one or two others who you may meet there. And, yet, in other
> classes...everybody seeems to be ever so damned cold/distant...like they don't
> even really want to make friends...instead, they just want to get the whole
> lesson, very quickly, over and done with...and, then, just simply go off home.
> I think, that so far, most people aren't putting in much time to communicate
> with one another...instead, they just do their work, then, completely
> dissapear, afterwards. Which is fine with me, as well. But, if I really want to
> make friends/find companionship...then, I'm going to have to either go to
> different classes, elsewhere, where people are far more open, and, friendly
> with one another...; or else, will need to go and force myself into having to
> go make friends with others here. Still, this is just the beginning of my
> classes...; and, so, there are many more classes which still haven't even
> started, as yet, including keep fit(tai chi/yoga), and, art(paint & drawing
> China/Life Drawing)...where I will get to see/meet many more people...so, who
> knows exactly what is still to come, I don't?!
The yoga class and especially the art class should be much easier to
meet people and possibly make friends. I used to have an art class
with a teacher who would cratique(sp?) each piece. He loved my stuff
and always said there's such emotion/anger expressed in this persons
art he's a genius. Damn that made me feel good but also very anxious.
But what was really great about that class is I got to see other
peoples art and comment on what I liked/didn't like about their
work...wed come up with some pretty crazy conversations about music,
politics and other stuff. Man we really made our conversations very
artistic/humorous...one of the paintings I did was of a cat taking a
shit which got me a lot of attention:)
> My next college class will be in 3 days time...18th September...Brixton
> College...12:30PM-5:30PM...ECDL/European Computer Driving Licence. This gives
> me a few days to go take a break from having to endure keeping to really
> tight/strict schedules...; and, just what a HUGE relief that is!/;-)
Sorry I was late to respond to your post...Ive been pretty anxious
about having to go to trial for my dui I got about a month ago. I
really cant stand the thought of having an attorney, jury, judge and
what the hell am I going to say I was drunk as shit driving....but
somehow my attorney says I am pleading innocent...ok I guess thats
what Ill do, I just hope I don't have to spend 30 days in jail!!!! If
that happens, say goodbye to college this semester for me:(
Bnb
MrUK4U
Just wanted to say, thanks a lot for responding to my VERY long post. I
honestly wasn't expecting anybody to have enough patience to go reading through
that lot...; so, I'm rather amazed you did seem to manage it?! Thanks, again.
ABOUT COLLEGE CLASSES, IN GENERAL
Yes, I think, you are right when you said it's best to start with doing things
that are really easy...just in order to learn how to get into the flow of
things...; and, that, eventually, the classes are going to become a LOT more
harder?! That's when I'm going to wish they had stayed really easy...lol...so,
I guess, it's a case of me doing endless complaining no matter how easy/or,
hard the classes are?!
ART CLASSES
And, I note what you said, that art classes are really cool. Because, generally
speaking, they tend to be a lot more informal, and, therefore relaxed.
I found it really funny when you said you drew a cat doing a do doo...lol.
YOGA CLASSES
As to yoga classes...I'm really not too sure about that...after having never
done it, before? I guess, there are going to be both sexes there, as well.
Which is bound to make me feel really nervous in itself. Wondering how damn odd
I'm going to look...when I can't even get none of the exercises, right?! And,
what if, the teacher starts picking on me, personally...; by pointing me out
before the whole entire class...; and, saying, no, you got to do it this way,
instead! Anyway, I'm trying NOT to think too much about going to Yoga
classes...in case I end up freaking myself out, totally. And, just do it when
the day comes...and, then, see how everything goes.../or, if I do wish to go
back there ever again???
IN REGARDS TO YOUR TRIAL
Also, I truly wish you the very best of luck with your trial coming up. I must
admit, that trying to go put myself in your shoes...that would NOT be something
I would be too much looking forwards to doing, neither!!!
Sincerely, GOOD LUCK!/;-)
mad mitch
> YOGA CLASSES
>
> As to yoga classes...I'm really not too sure about that...after having
never
> done it, before? I guess, there are going to be both sexes there, as well.
> Which is bound to make me feel really nervous in itself. Wondering how
damn odd
> I'm going to look...when I can't even get none of the exercises, right?!
And,
> what if, the teacher starts picking on me, personally...; by pointing me
out
> before the whole entire class...; and, saying, no, you got to do it this
way,
> instead! Anyway, I'm trying NOT to think too much about going to Yoga
> classes...in case I end up freaking myself out, totally. And, just do it
when
> the day comes...and, then, see how everything goes.../or, if I do wish to
go
> back there ever again???
>
You are exceedingly brave doing all this Paul, good on you. I had an
opportunity to start Yoga a couple of weeks ago, I really wanted to go, but
ultimately I chickened out.
I get over anxious about the stupidest things, not only like you do by being
the one that is pointed out but things like "what if my stomach grumbles
really loudly and everyone hears and starts laughing"? (My stomach really
does do that in silent social situations. Repeatedly.) Then there is this
nervous cough I get in social situations. Then there is"what if I mishear
the instructor?" and she says "time for students to leave" and I go to walk
out, when actually what she said was "time for position three". I worry
enormously about doing something REALLY embarrassing like suddenly having
really LOUD uncontrollable sneeze and spew out a load of gunge all over
someone's back or another really embarrassing one is (blush) fart. I mean
what if I stretched into some position and I made a really LOUD one of
those. Oh god. No wonder I didn't go!!!
Michelle
MrUK4U
You are exceedingly brave doing all this Paul, good on you. I had an
opportunity to start Yoga a couple of weeks ago, I really wanted to go, but
ultimately I chickened out.
<<<
LOL/But, remember, I haven't even gone and done it, yet...; which means, I
still have plenty of time to go chicken out?! And, quite honestly, whenever it
comes to having to go and face dealing with fearful issues...I NEVER quite know
if I will go...not until the very last appointment minute???!!!
Sometimes, I may even put on my clothes to go...; but, then, somewhere along
the journey -(even up to the point where I actually get to the place, as well)-
due to far too much worrying about it...I will, eventually, turn back-heading
straight for home.../or, simply, go off somewhere else -such as the park- which
I see as being far less fearful, instead.
>>>
I get over anxious about the stupidest things, not only like you do by being
the one that is pointed out but things like "what if my stomach grumbles
really loudly and everyone hears and starts laughing"? (My stomach really
does do that in silent social situations. Repeatedly.)
<<<
Yes, I've experienced my stomach making all sorts of unpredictable grumbling
noises, as well.
>>>
Then there is this
nervous cough I get in social situations.
<<<
Sometimes, my throat goes really dry...whenever I'm feeling really
nervous/tense...and, then, I try to cough to clear my throat...only instead of
clearing it with that one chough...it feels even more blocked up than
before?!...thus, leading to me doing more endless choughing...and, starting to
feel more and more deeply embarassed-just wanting to both HIDE/RUN!!!
>>>
Then there is"what if I mishear
the instructor?" and she says "time for students to leave" and I go to walk
out, when actually what she said was "time for position three".
<<<
Now, that's really funny./LOL/Yes, it is indeed possible to get to mishear
instructions, sometimes, I agree!
>>>
I worry
enormously about doing something REALLY embarrassing like suddenly having
really LOUD uncontrollable sneeze and spew out a load of gunge all over
someone's back
<<<
Yes, this idea, too, does also go through my mind...everytime...I sneeze...will
something come out?! And, where will it land...on who??? Will they accept my
sincere apologies...or, will it lead to a big argument, or, FIGHT?!
>>>
or another really embarrassing one is (blush) fart. I mean
what if I stretched into some position and I made a really LOUD one of
those. Oh god. No wonder I didn't go!!!
<<<
Farting is one of my biggest fears...; the sound/the lingering stink! That's
why whenever I go to keep fit/or, martial arts classes...I try NOT to eat
anything, atall...for, at least, 2 hours long...which should give me enough
time to practice both belching/burping to get all of the wind out of my system,
first...; but, instead, I just will merely drink, alone.
>>>
Michelle
<<<
-Paul/;-)
mad mitch
> 3> However, at some point, in time...during adulthood...you, quite
suddenly,
> realise that nobody is perfect...; and, this includes YOU, too,
especially?!
> That we all, in fact, are capable of making mistakes...; and, indeed, that
> without the sheer blessing of forgiveness...then, the whole wide world
around
> us would be in a far bigger mess than it already is!!! At this stage we
stop
> judging our parents ever so much...; and, just try to learn to accept them
> exactly as they are...warts and all.../and, NOT as being perfect
super-human
> beings...which is asking for the, truly, impossible!
>
Yeah - God - where would we be without forgiveness??? !!!
> As I've come to more fully understand it, now-a-days...my parent(single
mum)
> parents beat them, regularly...so, they didn't really know any other way
of how
> to, most effectively, bring up children...thus, they, quite naturally,
assumed
> that beating kids for every time they did something WRONG...was the RIGHT
thing
> to do. Thus, I can't really blame my parent for, basically, being totally
> ignorant, and, therefore, NOT knowing any better?!
>
As I understand, smacking is no longer allowed in this country. And I think
also there is a "child's right" law, where if you are a child and get
hit/smacked, you can literally sue your parents.
> Accidentally...broke the windowb/broke the furniture/broke the vase. Also,
> somebody went and knicked my jumper/new running shoes, at school?!/-Etc.
And,
> that's a hell of a lot of pressure to put on poor people...who really
can't
> afford to buy these things in the first place! Having to go, constantly,
> replace things, again and again...!
>
I was taught at a very young age not to lie, and if I did anything wrong
then I must "own up". Whenever I broke/damaged something I almost enjoyed
telling my Mum as she would say "Well done Michelle, accidents do happen,
but you are very, very good to own up and I am really proud of you"
(Sometimes even a piece of choccie!!!) Somehow my brother and sister never
got the hang of this and never quite trusted this concept, so whenever
ANYTHING was damaged or broken, even if it was by my brother or sister, I
would voluntarily take the blame and tell Mum that I broke it when I
didn't!!!! In fact I turned into the most outrageous liar. I do wonder,
looking back, how my Mum never cottoned on to why I was so accident prone
but my brother and sister never did any damage whatsoever.
? (as you would say)
> You really don't know just how LUCKY you were, then./;-)
>
> Because, in many of the families who I, personally, knew both the kids,
and,
> their parents...their parents did beat them, and, regularly, too.
>
My brother was hit once. He was given a severe spanking with a hairbrush on
his bum by my Dad. Mind you, he was punished for standing on the road,
dressed up as a Red Indian catapulting stones at car windows.
> Can't help, but, to wonder to myself, though...; why do you think the nun
had
> choosen to slap you around the face for???
I was about 7-8 and I didn't have any concept of lying and used to tell
outrageous stories to my classmates about owning a herd of wild horses and
the like........ At the time we were forbidden to write in biro and we had
to use pen and ink and I went through a phase of going into school every day
saying I couldn't do my homework because we had run out of ink. The Mother
Superior phoned my mother and discovered that we had about 3 bottles of ink
in different colours but I still went on lying.
One day it just got too much for one of the nuns and when I said I couldn't
do my homework because we had run out of ink she gave me a whopping great
slap round the face in front of the whole class!
I was simply MORTIFIED :( But I did not have a clue what I had done wrong.
Lying just came so naturally that I had simply no idea that she was slapping
me for having lied.
What were you like at school? Were you well behaved? Did you make friends
OK? How did you get on with authority?
Key question.......were you good at sport?
Michelle
None
> As I understand, smacking is no longer allowed in this country. And I think
> also there is a "child's right" law, where if you are a child and get
> hit/smacked, you can literally sue your parents.
Around here you can even sue your parents in paying for your uni degree
provided they can afford it.
> I was taught at a very young age not to lie, and if I did anything wrong
> then I must "own up". Whenever I broke/damaged something I almost enjoyed
> telling my Mum as she would say "Well done Michelle, accidents do happen,
> but you are very, very good to own up and I am really proud of you"
> (Sometimes even a piece of choccie!!!) Somehow my brother and sister never
> got the hang of this and never quite trusted this concept, so whenever
> ANYTHING was damaged or broken, even if it was by my brother or sister, I
> would voluntarily take the blame and tell Mum that I broke it when I
> didn't!!!! In fact I turned into the most outrageous liar. I do wonder,
> looking back, how my Mum never cottoned on to why I was so accident prone
> but my brother and sister never did any damage whatsoever.
> ? (as you would say)
I have no idea what to say.
> Key question.......were you good at sport?
I've always hated sports, music and drawing. Then again I even go to the
gym, sometimes.
MrUK4U
STRICT NUNS
And, thanks very much for that truly interesting post. So, the nun slapped your
face...simply, because you, habitually, lied! This story is really odd to
me...because, as I never experienced dealing first hand with nuns...therefore,
my image of them tends to be very NICE people...but, reading this type of story
makes me want to think all over, again?!
SMACKING KIDS
As to smacking no longer being allowed in this country(and, I presume you mean
UK???)...I have heard they no longer tend to do it in schools, anymore...which
leads to a lot of unruly children...who end up being totally suspended/or,
kicked out of school...then, they just end up doing street crime, I suppose?!
But, as to kids suing their parents for having beaten them. I only heard of
that in America. I'm not too sure I've heard of that happening in England,
yet?! Personally, though, I tend to believe that most kids who get
smacked...would NEVER even dream of going to sue their parents...partly,
because they don't even know how to do that sort of thing.../and, even more so
due to sheer family loyalty.
ME
>>>
What were you like at school? Were you well behaved? Did you make friends
OK? How did you get on with authority?
<<<
I was, certainly, brought up to be VERY well behaved by my mum. Who would beat
the sheer living daylights out of me...when I was NOT well behaved! So, I
guess, this sort of behaviour carried over to when dealing with others, as
well.
Because, I was well behaved...therefore, I did make a lot of friends at
school...but, not in a loud way...just in a quiet shy way. I guess, people were
not frightened of me...as they, quite often, felt I was far more frightened of
them?! Thus, I had a sort of gift of bringing out shy people right out of
themselves...because, immediately, they recognised in me seeing somebody who
was even far more afraid, and, shy than themselves!
But, on the other hand, I'm not too sure I ever, truly, trusted anyone at
school...not even those who I went to visit their homes...or, who I took home
to come and visit mine. I just felt that your school friend can turn against
you in the blink of an eye! So, one minute you are getting along really well
with them...; then, next minute it's bad mood/or, show off fights...;
basically, I went through school days never really knowing exactly what to
expect...or, who to trust/distrust?!
Maybe, that's why even now-a-days, when I see old school friends...I still feel
I don't really know, or, trust them?! Especially, so, as they've changed a hell
of a lot, now...with the lenghty passage of time... So, usually, whenever I see
old school pals...I don't stop...just keep on going the other way, and, as fast
as possible! Rude, I know...; but, I just don't want to get involved in any of
that old crap!
As to getting on with authority...lol...most of the time, I did get along
really well with my teachers.
But, there were one or two odd occassions...when I let the bad boys influence
my behaviour...like the whole entire class was making loads of stupid
noise...and, like nobody, atall, is paying any attention to the lesson?!
So, next thing, I choose to join in with making loads of noise, too...; then,
sure enough the teacher picks me out of the whole crowd...and, drags me all the
way down the stairs to go see the headmaster. Well, I ran off home, instead, as
soon as the movverf**king teacher had let me, physically, go!
But, then, such events were really like a one-off...; and, extremely rare!
Normally, I did NOT wish to get any bad school reports from my teachers...in
case my mum heard of it...and, started to beat me!
>>>
Key question.......were you good at sport?
Michelle
<<<
I was terrible at school sports!/LOL
Football(I was uncoordinated)/Rugby(I was too scared of getting booted in the
face)/Tennis(more lack of co-ordination)/trampolining(quite simply, scared to
death I might fall off the damn thing; then, onto the floor?!-which is why I
wouldn't even dare to go join in!)/Running/athletics(I was too heavy, and,
slow)/-etc.
In fact, many times I, quite deliberately, didn't even bother to bring along
any of my school training kit -(shirt/shorts/training shoes)- with me. So, that
I didn't have to go do PE-Physical Education training classes. -(I forgot what
the alternative was, though...possibly, write out endless lines....'I will
bring my training kit with me, next time!')-
Though, at home time, I did go over to fields, and, practice kicking football
with my closest school friends...; and, truly, enjoyed it...loads of FUN! Just
didn't enjoy the formal school training environment, I guess. Informal training
was perfectly fine with me...as there seemed to be far less 'pressure' being
placed on you to succeed...and, also, you could work out with those who you
both knew/and, trusted.
But, otherwise, I felt I was dealing with total strangers who I really don't
know or trust???...thus, bringing out the deeply self-concious/social phobic
part of me. In that state, I get so nervous and worried and tense that strange
people are staring at me...or, that I won't look good enough/or, be able to
please them...that I just can't seem to function, properly, if hardly, atall?!
Also, at home, I would do stretching/and, yoga.../and, also, study martial
arts...especially, weapons, nunchaku(2 peices of stick tied togeather with
either string/or else, chain).../and, also, broomstick, as well. I would train
with these for endless hours. Thinking, what fun...as the weapon made a loud
whishing noise...the faster and faster you weilded it...it sort of went from
being visible...to being an invisible BLUR!!!
-(But, strangely enough, even though I knew where certain martial arts clubs
were located...and, I would go along there just to merely watch...I never went
there to, actually, go join in...because, I feared sticking out like a sore
thumb!...so, social phobia was still with me, then, even at young school
age...something I've still not quite grown out of, yet???...because, I still
fear going along to keep fit clubs...and, that everybody there is going to
stare?!)-
So, it wasn't that I wasn't intrested in sports, exactly...just that, as
always...(and, the same thing now-a-days, too)...I like to do my very OWN thing
whenever I'm in the mood...and, NOT what somebody else expects me to go
do.../or, when I'm NOT in the mood to go do it, such as, regularly at some
fixed time/day!
My moods tend to change, constantly, all the time...manic-depression mood
swings...and, when I'm NOT in the mood to do something I won't(depression
stage)! And, when I'm feeling manic(up stage)...I won't ever stop doing
it...not until when the manic feeling wears off, completely(3 days max)...and,
then, I go back to feeling depressed, again...and, NOT wishing to get up, and,
do absolutely anything!
This is why, all throughout my life I've NEVER been, really and truly,
fit...because, as my mood swing, quite suddenly, changes...I just STOP
exercising, altogeather.
A QUESTION FOR YOU...
And, were you any good at fitness lessons at school, too?
-Paul/;-)
O_Zean
Good post! I was the rotten apple in sports. i remeber sitting at the
end of the row, next to nobody. I chose to sit at the end, cause that
meant I would sit next to 1 person and not 2. I knew I would be picked
last. One day I hurt my ancle and I refused to tell it to the teacher.
NExt week I continued playing and you know the rest of the story.
There was one thing I hated. That was climbing ropes. I never climbed
one in my life and still, They let me pass sports. Was that cause I
was shy? Was that cause I was no trouble? Was that for my listening
skills? If someone told me to become goalie or defender, I did that
without arguing. If someone told me to sit down, I sat down. If
soemone told me to open my mouth, I trasnformed into a doll....... I
hated taking showers. One day , the teacher ordered to get a shower. I
still remember that day. One day they laughed about my .... And I had
a high voice, so I talked like a girl. I was lucky to be tall. That
was my GOD.....I was tall..GOD bless my lenght!!1 Otherwise I wouldn't
be talking in here.
well, that was all
O_Zean
MrUK4U
And, a pleasure to be able to hear from you, again./;-)
Brave of you to continue with playing on a broken ankle...; but, why did you
not choose to go tell it to the teacher...so, that maybe, they would let you
off games? Too much shyness, I guess?! Sometimes, our shyness...can lead to
making bad things become a hell of a lot worse...by, simply, not opening up,
and, admitting exactly how we are feeling inside.
You were lucky to be tall, then. Because, I was just average build/height. In
fact, I was average at just about everything. I think, this was not because I
didn't have extrely HIGH ambition. But, due to sheer
shyness/self-conciousness/not wishing to become the centre of attention...so, I
always very strongly held back from ever letting myself really go. I think, it
is important to be able to just let go of all your inibitions in order to
really excel at sport...those who are self-concious hold back...and, by holding
back I don't think you can excel?! Anyway, in all of my school years...it was
always my ambition to go win a medal. And, guess what, I never ever did even
win one...much to my deepest disappointment...making me feel like being a TOTAL
BORN LOOSER!
-(Well, except when I was really small around age, 8...and, CHEATED...lol...in
the 3 legged race...where you were meant to go hop in a sack until you got to
the end of the 100 yards tape. Well, let's just say I ran a hell of a lot more
than I hopped./Ha!/Though, I didn't exactly feel good about myself, afterwards,
for having CHEATED in order to, so desperately, WIN?!)-
And, yes, I agree with you...that I pretty much did whatever I was told to do
by others during games, and, that was that.
Also, when teams were being picked...I tried to go and hide myself near to the
back of the class crowd...so, that I wouldn't be picked, first...thus, I
usually got picked last, instead...as one of the least capable.
As to changing rooms...; oh boy, simply, blue murder! I didn't want to go in
there, atall. I didn't want anybody to SEE me changing(sometimes, I would
delieberately try to be the last one to get changed)?!
I felt most actutely embarassed about the way my body looked...; because, I
never did view it as being perfect, atall?! Thus, I actually felt very ashamed
of it, instead.
And, as to taking baths naked, afterwards, with the rest of them...completely
forget it, altogeather! I didn't wish anybody to go see my d**k...; or, make
fun of it! (This was an all boys school...and, boys will most mercilessly make
fun of absolutely anything they see...especially, the more shy they know you
are...then, the more fun they will tend to make of you, as well!)
I'm really not too sure myself how I managed to pass through PE-Physical
Education classes(considering many times I, quite deliberately, did NOT turn up
with any PE training kit?!)...; but, somehow or other, I did?!
-(Passing with only average marks, of course.../average...UGH.../when all I
ever wanted was to, well and truly, be The Best.../maybe, that was the real
problem expecting far too much from myself-maybe, more than I was ever fully
capable of???)-
Well, GOOD LUCK, and, thanks a lot for posting! Keep on posting.../;-)
O_Zean
> Hi O_zean,
>
> And, a pleasure to be able to hear from you, again./;-)
Great to hear your posts again and again. i learn a lot and I feel
connected.:)
>
> Brave of you to continue with playing on a broken ankle...; but, why did you
> not choose to go tell it to the teacher...so, that maybe, they would let you
> off games? Too much shyness, I guess?! Sometimes, our shyness...can lead to
> making bad things become a hell of a lot worse...by, simply, not opening up,
> and, admitting exactly how we are feeling inside.
exactly..shynesss. I was too afraid to tell him that I was shy. That
would fuck up his mind and he could have told it to the class, making
it worse. Fucking extroverts!! they will bever win!
>
> You were lucky to be tall, then. Because, I was just average build/height. In
> fact, I was average at just about everything. I think, this was not because I
> didn't have extrely HIGH ambition. But, due to sheer
> shyness/self-conciousness/not wishing to become the centre of attention...so, I
> always very strongly held back from ever letting myself really go. I think, it
> is important to be able to just let go of all your inibitions in order to
> really excel at sport...those who are self-concious hold back...and, by holding
> back I don't think you can excel?! Anyway, in all of my school years...it was
> always my ambition to go win a medal. And, guess what, I never ever did even
> win one...much to my deepest disappointment...making me feel like being a TOTAL
> BORN LOOSER!
You told earlier that you tried to stay normal and at the same you
feel rejected cause you haven't won any competitions. But if you look
back, that is becasue you chose to NOt win. Right?? But is ok to NOt
win. What cares is that you know you are better than the rest or some
of them. Adn you were cause the other ones did try to make the best of
you and you tried to just hang out..So you are better then them!:)
>
> -(Well, except when I was really small around age, 8...and, CHEATED...lol...in
> the 3 legged race...where you were meant to go hop in a sack until you got to
> the end of the 100 yards tape. Well, let's just say I ran a hell of a lot more
> than I hopped./Ha!/Though, I didn't exactly feel good about myself, afterwards,
> for having CHEATED in order to, so desperately, WIN?!)-
IT is time for the shy people among us to CHEAT and be normal.
Everybody cheats, MRUk. .....soi why can't shy people do it? SHYNESS
ROCKS!
>
> And, yes, I agree with you...that I pretty much did whatever I was told to do
> by others during games, and, that was that.
> Also, when teams were being picked...I tried to go and hide myself near to the
> back of the class crowd...so, that I wouldn't be picked, first...thus, I
> usually got picked last, instead...as one of the least capable.
well, at least it protected you from your fear. And that is what
matters in school. right?
>
> As to changing rooms...; oh boy, simply, blue murder! I didn't want to go in
> there, atall. I didn't want anybody to SEE me changing(sometimes, I would
> delieberately try to be the last one to get changed)?!
GRRRR....don't talk about it. I get nervous!
>
> I felt most actutely embarassed about the way my body looked...; because, I
> never did view it as being perfect, atall?! Thus, I actually felt very ashamed
> of it, instead.
>
> And, as to taking baths naked, afterwards, with the rest of them...completely
> forget it, altogeather! I didn't wish anybody to go see my d**k...; or, make
> fun of it! (This was an all boys school...and, boys will most mercilessly make
> fun of absolutely anything they see...especially, the more shy they know you
> are...then, the more fun they will tend to make of you, as well!)
Boys=pain....is this correct???? Boys are bad! That is true huh?
>
> I'm really not too sure myself how I managed to pass through PE-Physical
> Education classes(considering many times I, quite deliberately, did NOT turn up
> with any PE training kit?!)...; but, somehow or other, I did?!
>
> -(Passing with only average marks, of course.../average...UGH.../when all I
> ever wanted was to, well and truly, be The Best.../maybe, that was the real
> problem expecting far too much from myself-maybe, more than I was ever fully
> capable of???)-
>
mmmmm, you did great. If i was in your school, I would nbe your
friend. :)
mad mitch
> LOL/But, remember, I haven't even gone and done it, yet...; which means, I
> still have plenty of time to go chicken out?! And, quite honestly,
whenever it
> comes to having to go and face dealing with fearful issues...I NEVER quite
know
> if I will go...not until the very last appointment minute???!!!
>
> Sometimes, I may even put on my clothes to go...; but, then, somewhere
along
> the journey -(even up to the point where I actually get to the place, as
well)-
> due to far too much worrying about it...I will, eventually, turn
back-heading
> straight for home.../or, simply, go off somewhere else -such as the park-
which
> I see as being far less fearful, instead.
>
EXACTLY!!! I do just the same!!! Sometimes I am half way somewhere and do
an about turn. If there is anyone watching, I rout around in my hand bag
first and then put on this expression of "Oh my goodness I have forgotten
something" because it does look rather odd if you do an about turn in the
middle of the street!
> Yes, I've experienced my stomach making all sorts of unpredictable
grumbling
> noises, as well.
I once had the nickname at one job of "grumble tum". I am glad it was good
natured teasing because although I was mortifyingly embarrassed, I was the
only woman at the board meetings and in some weird way, they found it
amusing but not in an unkind way. I tried EVERYTHING! I used to stuff
myself with food before the meeting, but sure enough after a few minutes it
would start, and everyone around the table could hear it. Oh boy :(
Michelle
mad mitch
> And, were you any good at fitness lessons at school, too?
>
I was brilliant up until the age of 11. Things took a large downturn when I
started at boarding school.
Although I was useless with grown ups and authority I was OK with kids my
own age. I did actually manage at the all girls boarding school to insist
on a football team, which the nuns eventually allowed. All the girls loved
it. The nuns refused to have anything to do with it, so it was usually one
of us that had the whistle.
One of my main memories of sport at boarding school was icy cold winter
weather, where me breath almost froze as I breathed it, and hanging around
on the hockey pitch waiting for a bit of action.
The sports class I used to love was called Pirate, where we would take out
ALL the gym equipment in the gym, rails up the walls, bars across the room,
ropes, gym horse, trampoline, bouncy mats etc and there would be one girl
who had to run and "tag" all the other girls, but we were only allowed on
the equipment and weren't allowed to touch the floor. Once you were tagged,
you were out, and if you touched the floor you were out and the last one
tagged was the Pirate next time. It was brilliant fun, shimmying up ropes,
grabbing a bar, leaping onto the gym horse. I was always the Pirate!!!
Did you ever play kids games like tag, release me, what's the time Mr Wolf,
and Simon says do this?
And hey, how about bike riding?
Michelle
MrUK4U
brave-who can stand heights...me, I never could stand heights, atall...as they
just make me feel extremely dizzy)!/;-)
Nor do I remember playing that particular game, unfortunately??? Though, the
word Pirate certainly does sound very highly familiar to me...; maybe, I'm
getting confused, though, with having listened to far too many children stories
about people who were Pirates?!/;-)
Tag, I seem to recall us playing, before...; though, I can't remember exactly
what the rules were to our own game???
I'm not too sure I ever even heard of...what's the time Mr Wolf?! What's that
one all about???
Simon says do this...I think, I have heard of before...must have played it, at
least, once, as well...but, just can't remember nothing?!
Funny, how we forget all of the loads of fun things we used to do as kids???
Though, I can certainly seem to remember the bad times...such as being beaten,
very well, just like it were, yesterday, in fact!
Bike riding./LOL/I always wanted a bike when I was young(as all my other best
friends did have one)...; and, I recall I was promised one...; only, then,
later on, they went and changed their mind...to go and use the money to buy
something else, instead! Man, I was crying my eyes out for, at least, 2 whole
days, almost, non-stop...; but, afterwards, I could see that NOT having a bike
was NOT the end of the world, neither! After that, I really didn't worry too
much about not having a bike, anymore.
In fact, even now-a-days, I still tell myself that I need to go buy myself a
bike. As it would sure beat the hell out of walking. Like if I can, sometimes,
walk 10/or, 20+ miles(both to get there, in the first place.../and, then, to
come back, again)...then, just imagine how far out I might be able to go
travelling if I ever had a bike???!!!
-(The only problem I have with bikes...is getting myself run over by a car?!)-
Then, again, if I ever had a car...wow...then, I'd NEVER come back home?! And,
everywhere I go to...instead, of being in London...; would end up being outer
London, instead...; such as I might go and visit Brighton Beach,
everyday./LOL/However, as it is I still have to go pay to take sufficient
amount of driving lessons.../as well as, pass the driving test???
But, right now, as I can't even afford to go take driving lessons, atall...;
therefore, I guess, it will still be a long time before that particular dream
can ever come true...?!
Yes, thanks very much for the recollection of my childhood, all over
again.../now, that was, truly, interesting; especially, to me.
GOOD LUCK
;-)
MrUK4U
8:00 AM - Well, I woke up knowing that I have 1 long college lesson to go and
attend, today...which is between 1PM-5:30PM...ECDL/European Computer Driving
Licence.
WENT MORNING JOGGING IN BROCKWELL PARK
10:00 AM - Decided to go over to Herne Hill's Brockwell Park...; very slowly
jogged down there...(West Norwood/Tulse Hill/Herne Hill). Traffic jam making
taking the bus seem even far slower, than, walking!
Inside of the park...
First, I saw an indian looking girl walking in front of me...going in the
opposite way which I, usually, use to go all around the park...; yes, some
people actually choose to 'walk' laps around the park.../as opposed to choosing
to go 'run!'
I started walking along behind her doing a few simple wrist turning
exercises...; and, all the time, thinking about going to chat with her...; but,
then...
MET A BUM IN THE PARK, CALLED, KEV
A guy sitting on a park bench...saw me, very quickly, came and grabbed my hand,
and, shook it rather vigourously - like he, already, knew me from somewhere,
before...; then, invited me to come and sit down with him, which I did...; as,
otherwise, I felt it might be being rather highly impolite to refuse his
request?!...; saying -whilst smiling at me- 'don't worry, I'm NOT going to bite
your head off!'
We, then, talked -somewhat, inanely/stupidly- about how some girls just run
around the park doing lap after lap...and, how amazingly fit they are!!!
Then, quite suddenly, the guy lays on me his true reason for stopping me...;
asking me to lend him some money, 80p???
I told him, sorry, but, I have no money, atall, on me...; and, in fact, I even
choose to show him my pockets...; just my keys, and, my bus pass.
He, then, seemed to immediately loose all further interest in talking to me,
anymore...all further conversation having, very quickly, dried up...; and,
also, judging from the deeply dissapointed expression he wore on his face?!
Thus, very quickly, I decided it's time to take my leave being in this
non-relationship...where this guy ain't even in the least bit interested in me,
atall...his only interest seems to be gettng some poor sukker to go lend him
some money! So, we both very politely said, goodbye, to one another.
I, then, ran on...seaching to find where that Indian girl had gone to??? And,
thinking what a total asshole I was in choosing to stop to go talk with that
dum park BUM! Not that he'd made it very easy on me to refuse...; after,
literally, grabbing me!
MET A SPANISH SELF-TAUGHT(APPARENTLY) MARTIAL ARTIST, CALLED, GOYO GOMEZ
Then, after having run on for a while...I stopped when I saw a guy practicing
doing martial arts with a 5ft thick wooden stick.
At first, I watched him. Then, I asked him what style of martial arts is that,
Shaolin(the way he swung that stick reminded me of having seen a girl teacher
swinging it in a similar way at a kids Shaolin lesson)? He replied, no, it's
not any style...as he is all self-taught. I said, well, for somebody who is
self-taught, you are really very good(and, I meant it)!
Then, I stood there and tried to imitate doing his movements...even though I
had no stick. The guy came over to me, and, gave me his stick. And, so, I
-tried to- imitate some of the moves that he was doing. He said, I was a really
fast learner. -(I often practice swinging around a broom stick, at home.)- And,
I showed him some of my own moves...; and, he said, you move your stick very
different from me. And, then, I discussed some of my own theory with him on the
art of stick swinging...such as the 8
gates...vertical(2)/horizontal(2)/diagonal(4).
After a while, he told me his name is, Goyo. And, he is from Madrid/Spain.
I told him, my fav. artist in the whole wide world is the Spanish artist,
Picasso/and, also, I love, Goya.
He also said he is into computers, as well. And, from the way he talked about
computers...I very quickly figured out he knows a hell of a lot more about it
than I, actually, do. For example, he mentioned using the Operating System,
Debian Linux. Which I myself have never used, before??? I said to him, I need
somebody to teach me that one...; but, first, I need it to be loaded onto my
own computer system. He said, he'd be happy to come over to my house, and, load
it there for me. So, I just simply said, ok.
Normally, I would NOT go to other peoples homes.../nor invite them to come to
mine.../especially, if I'd only just met them in either the street/or, park.
However, for me, it's all a question of instinctive feelings...; either you,
immediately, feel like you can trust someone, or, not?!
This guy, is like 2 inches shorter than me...I'm 5ft 8in/so, he must be around
5ft 6in. And, he is similarly built to me...sort of average/medium build...not
fat/not slim/somewhere in between. And, his manner seems to be placid/easy
going...which is similiar to my own manner, as well. Thus, I didn't feel too
intimidated by him. Nor him me, apparently.
Also, he seems to be very highly intelligent, as well, knowing an awful lot
about computers...; and, I deeply appreciate people who are brainer than me,
especially, at things I'm also, very seriously, interested in...; who knows,
maybe, they can teach me something...; as well as, I would like to learn to be
able to speak Spanish...; and, too, would love to practice martial arts with
somebody else...; and, learn about how to use Linux OS. Thus, it seemed to me
this guy maybe could offer me a lot more...if only I decided to stick with this
relationship for a while.
We, then, went out of the park...; walked over the road...and, across the zebra
crossing on Tulse Hill...; and, into his house...somewhere inside of Tulse Hill
Estate. Where I saw a small single floor flat...; a bike at the
entrance.../and, a brown-ginger cat on the bed(the cat ran under then bed when
I tried to stroke it-not familiar enough with me, yet, I guess?!).../and, also,
a computer in the far right hand corner. He took up a packet of CD ROM's...;
and, said, pointing to a particular CD...this is the one we will need to load
Linux from...; and, also, you can get to run it from off the actual CD itself.
Then, we both walked off to my home. I asked him if he wished to take bus(as I
had my bus pass with me)? But, he said, he didn't have any bus pass/nor
sufficient money. I would have offered to go pay his bus fare...; but, then, I
didn't have any money on me, neither! Anyway, as it was an especially lovely
sunny day, therefore, it was no problem to just walk...maybe, say 15 minutes to
get up to West Norwood where I live - which is the next district along from
Tulse Hill.
When I got home...we both went into the room where my computer is located. And,
then, I turned it on. And, he inserted the CD ROM into my machine. But,
unfortunately, we encountered some problems. We needed to get into the
BIOS...so, we could set the machine to go boot from CD ROM. Only trouble is the
BIOS was password protected...and, I couldn't even remember what the password
was, atall?! Thus, we decided the next best thing to do was to burn a copy of
his CD...; and, thus, I went and got a blank CD ROM.../and, he did the work of
using my computer to burn a copy. For which I, very gratefully, thanked
him./:-)
We, also, practiced doing some martial arts togeather...including empty
hands.../as well as, stick. I have 2 broomstick size sticks at home...so, he
used one/and, me the other one.
It was really very interesting sparring with him, indeed...his empty hand
techniques were really quite good...as every time I tried to touch him...he
would, quite suddenly, block it...; and, then, effectively, push me away...;
thus, proving he is really very well co-ordinated/and, has really good strong
techniques.
-(Yet, he didn't say he was taught...; but, that instead he was
self-taught...and, his reactions were mostly entirely instinctive.)-
And, working out with the sticks was also very interesting, indeed...in that he
uses the stick very differently from me...; and, also, I was able to practice
doing some body evasions.
-(You see, working out alone...it's very hard to learn proper
timing/distance/co-ordination/force/balance/-etc. As these are all things one
NEEDS to work on learning with, at least, one partner.)
Anyway, as the time, ran on to being around 1:00 PM. And, I knew I had a
college lesson to go to...but, really didn't wish to say so. He said, he has
got to go to work. And, so, I led him downstairs to the door...; and, he left.
I did offer to go walk with him down the road...; but, he said, that's ok as he
already knows the way.
So, I went back inside of the home...and, looked to go find my college
papers...realsing I'm going to be LATE, again, just like I was last week...and,
this ECDL teacher...Lola Henry seems to be really quite strict!
LATE, AGAIN, TO ECDL/EUROPEAN COMPUTER DRIVING LICENCE, COLLEGE COURSE
1:30 PM - 5:30 PM I went into Brixton College, ECDL/European Computer Driving
Lesson, late(just like last time)! On entering the classroom...the teacher,
Lola Henry, looked at me rather sternly...and, I didn't even bother to say
absolutely anything. Instead, I just very quietly tried to sneak off and into a
corner chair. Then, she asked me, why I had come so late?! And, I said...sorry,
I had some difficulty finding my papers. She said, she would talk to me,
afterwards.
There was another problem where I had forgotten to bring my 3 & 1/2 inch floopy
disk. But, she finally gave me a FREE repalcement.../after, first, having
threatened me with going to buy one for myself!
Then, I did the lesson...which was in the form of two 'mock' exam paper tests.
Some of the class were slow in only managing to complete just 1 test paper,
alone. But, me, I did both. In fact, I think, I was the first to finish.
I got most of the questions, right. But, some wrong...due to having not read
the question, properly?! For example, it said give two sentences...and, I only
wrote 1. Or, it said, write two lines...and, I'd written 4. Really stupid
mistakes like that. Lola said, if you don't pay full attention to what the test
questions are asking you...then, you will FAIL!
6-8PM - ERROL, FROM MY ECDL COURSE CLASS CAME BACK HOME WITH ME
Anyway, at the end of the lesson, I offered a guy there called, Errol...to come
home with me...so, that I could show him a few things on my computer. I had met
Errol on another government course called, Hamnet. And, we had also exchanged
phone numbers togeather...; and, so, had spoken to one another over the phone,
and, fairly regularly. So, I didn't feel I was dealing with a total complete
stranger, here, altogeather. I thought, it might be interesting getting to know
him some more. I also knew that he did some boxing...; and, I wanted to learn
that.
When we got to my home. I first noted that my mum was, also, in...; but, was
sleeping...; so, there wouldn't be any need for introductions, yet.
Then, I showed him the backgarden. And, afterwards, we both went off to the
room where I keep the computer. There I showed him how to do some QBASIC
programming. And, also, some, Pascal(not teaching it/just showing). As well as,
taught him some Visual BASIC programming...where we built a Windows Notepad
word-processor application(not fully working)...which he saved to his ECDL
disk. Finally, the time was getting past 8PM...and, it was, already, dark. So,
he decided it's time to go home.
I walked down the road with him. And, left him at the bus stop...when his bus
came...and, he decided to get on it.
8PM + LOST MY WALLET, AND, CREDIT CARDS/-ETC.???!!!
But, as Errol had got up to leave my home.../I remember putting my hand in my
back pocket...only to discover my wallet had gone(in there I keep my bus
pass-id photo card/college pass-id photo card/credit cards/library
card/-etc.)???!!!
So, even before I had walked with him down the road...I was wondering...is he a
THEIF, or, not?! But, I just felt far too deeply embarassed to say anything...
I desperately tried to think really very hard, indeed, when was the last time I
had the wallet with me??? I remembered I had it at my last college class
(ECDL)...because, I had to take it out to...get into college, and, past college
security.../also, I took it out to write down my college ID number on the test
papers I was given...so, there is no question, atall, that I did have it all
during that evening.
And, I think, I had it when I came out of college, too. Because, I remember
asking Errol if he was going to take bus...then, when I checked my bus pocket,
I'm pretty sure, it was still there.
So, all I could think of was...my tendency is to take out my wallet, and, leave
it on my computer desk at home. I did leave the room a few times when Errol was
there. So, it is possible he could have stolen it, then.
But, I also like to leave doubts, as well. It's possible, I could have
misplaced it elsewhere. Or, it's possible that somebody could have pickpocketed
me on the streets as we were both walking to my home. It is also possible,
bearing in mind that I didn't take bus home...; but, walked it...; that I
didn't have it on my person as I left college...; for example, I took it out to
write my college ID card no. on the test papers...; so, maybe, I left it inside
of the college classroom...on the desk(but, I can't believe I'd be so damn
stupid as to leave something so important just lying around on a desk where
anybody can go pick it up)?!
CONCLUSION
So, anyway, at the end of the day, I'm still learning to deal with SP/Social
Phobia.
I brought 2 friends home/and, also, went and visited 1 friends home. (Normally,
I don't bring nobody home/or, go visiting anybody elses home...so, this means
I'm trying to learn to socialise more). And, it was fun sharing the pleasure of
their company.
However, I also unfortunately lost my wallet...(quite honestly, don't know if
it was stolen, or, not?!) And, therefore, had to go and phone all of the credit
card companies to send me replacement
cards(VISA/Mastercard/Harrodscard/Frasercard/-etc)...; as well as, having to go
and get replacement college id/photo...bus travel id/photo cards,
tomorrow...and, replacement art gallery cards(Tate Gallery/RAOA-Royal Academy
Of Arts)/-Etc. And, I'm not too sure if there was any money inside of the
wallet, as well?!
I really should take far better care to take notes of the things I carry inside
of my wallet...; such as which cards/and, what are the phone numbers I will
need to contact if anything goes missing/-etc. That way I can be sure exactly
what is lost, or, not?! As it is, I'm still not too sure...how much I did
remember...and, how much I might have completely forgotten having kept inside
of my wallet???
And, this is life, good times/bad times...up/downs...not day is every going to
be entirely perfect!
mad mitch
> Yes, playing Pirate does sound like a hell of a lot of fun(especially, for
the
> brave-who can stand heights...me, I never could stand heights, atall...as
they
> just make me feel extremely dizzy)!/;-)
>
> Nor do I remember playing that particular game, unfortunately??? Though,
the
> word Pirate certainly does sound very highly familiar to me...; maybe, I'm
> getting confused, though, with having listened to far too many children
stories
> about people who were Pirates?!/;-)
>
> Tag, I seem to recall us playing, before...; though, I can't remember
exactly
> what the rules were to our own game???
There were two kinds of Tag - one was just touch and your it, and the other
was Release Me, you have to be touched three times, and on the first two,
once touched you had to stand with your arms out until someone else touched
you to release you. On the third touch you were it.
> I'm not too sure I ever even heard of...what's the time Mr Wolf?! What's
that
> one all about???
As far as I remember, there is a Mr Wolf, and the others say "What's the
time Mr Wolf?" and he says "It's 3 O' clock" and he counts - one, two, three
and you step forward three paces, then you have to stand completely still,
if you move you are out. The secret is that when you get a long number like
eleven, then you run up and touch Mr Wolf, but if you don't make it in time
and he turns round and catches you running, you are out. (I dunno, the
things that amused us as kids!!!!)
> Simon says do this...I think, I have heard of before...must have played
it, at
> least, once, as well...but, just can't remember nothing?!
Simon stands facing everyone else and he says "Simon says do this" and he
takes up a position, right arm in the air or whatever and everyone copies.
He goes on saying "Simon says do this" until suddenly he says "DO THAT!"
And if you do it, then you are out. It's amazing how hard it was to stay
completely still when he says "DO THAT!" it's some kind of instinct that
makes you do it. Last one in becomes Simon.
> Funny, how we forget all of the loads of fun things we used to do as
kids???
> Though, I can certainly seem to remember the bad times...such as being
beaten,
> very well, just like it were, yesterday, in fact!
We forget loads - how many dreams have you had? How many do you remember?
Use that comparison to life and how much of life have we forgotten? I used
to like doctors and nurses - I was really upset when I cut all the fingers
off my toy fluffy monkey and bandaged them up and they never got better!!!
Another time, for "realism" I lay down and poured red poster paint all over
my head and my sister was the ambulance who arrived to bandage me up. The
baby sitter who was looking after us at the time came to check up on us and
she FREAKED OUT!!! Nearly called an ambulance!!!
> Bike riding./LOL/I always wanted a bike when I was young(as all my other
best
> friends did have one)...; and, I recall I was promised one...; only, then,
> later on, they went and changed their mind...to go and use the money to
buy
> something else, instead! Man, I was crying my eyes out for, at least, 2
whole
> days, almost, non-stop...; but, afterwards, I could see that NOT having a
bike
> was NOT the end of the world, neither! After that, I really didn't worry
too
> much about not having a bike, anymore.
What a deprived childhood you had!!!! This is unfair!!!! Not only were you
hit but geez, not to have a bike? That is criminal!!! Let's hope God/fates
are fair and you become a big success with LOADSA money, good health, a
lovely wife and 2.3 kids!!! ;)
> In fact, even now-a-days, I still tell myself that I need to go buy myself
a
> bike. As it would sure beat the hell out of walking. Like if I can,
sometimes,
> walk 10/or, 20+ miles(both to get there, in the first place.../and, then,
to
> come back, again)...then, just imagine how far out I might be able to go
> travelling if I ever had a bike???!!!
>
Bike riding is great - you can ride out into the country, or at least you
can from here, we are right on the edge of London. Take some sandwiches and
something to drink and a frisbee - nice way to spend the day. We have cycle
paths everywhere around here - you live more in Central London don't you? I
doubt they make such good allowances for bikes round where you are.
Reminds me of a joke. A motorway and a road go into a pub for a drink and
they leave a friend outside. The barman says "Why is your friend not coming
in for a drink" and the motorway says "You don't want him in here, he's a
cyclepath" (Psychopath????)
Or how about, a motorway and a road go into a pub for the drink and the
motorway says to the barman "I'll have one for me and one for the road"!!!
> -(The only problem I have with bikes...is getting myself run over by a
car?!)-
Yes, particularly on roundabouts.
> Then, again, if I ever had a car...wow...then, I'd NEVER come back home?!
And,
> everywhere I go to...instead, of being in London...; would end up being
outer
> London, instead...; such as I might go and visit Brighton Beach,
> everyday./LOL/However, as it is I still have to go pay to take sufficient
> amount of driving lessons.../as well as, pass the driving test???
>
> But, right now, as I can't even afford to go take driving lessons,
atall...;
> therefore, I guess, it will still be a long time before that particular
dream
> can ever come true...?!
I don't drive. I used to when I lived in the country, but I really can't
drive in London. I lost my nerve one day at a roundabout and have never
driven since. Left the car right where it was in the middle of all the
traffic and rang my sister to go get it!!!! If and when you become
successful then driving lessons would be a good investment, I think you
would enjoy a long drive to Scotland, music playing, watching the scenery
change, it's awesome going from the green flatness to the hills, and then
the highlands. Mind you, Brighton is a lot closer!!!!
> Yes, thanks very much for the recollection of my childhood, all over
> again.../now, that was, truly, interesting; especially, to me.
>
Yes - me too! :)
Good luck
Michelle
mad mitch
You sound very trusting, inviting people back to your flat and how do you
manage to talk to complete strangers like that? I would NEVER have the
courage. Is this something you have only been able to do recently? Would
you say you have fixed the worst of the SP?
It is very useful to have a file somewhere with all details of credit
cards/store cards etc. Including phone number of who to phone if card is
lost or stolen. Does make life a lot easier.
Maybe Errol is a thief. I think you have to be prepared for that.
Hope things are going well.
Michelle
"MrUK4U" <mru...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20030926100313...@mb-m05.aol.com...
Meryl
I played all of these games or variations, except Pirates.
>
>Or how about, a motorway and a road go into a pub for the drink and the
>motorway says to the barman "I'll have one for me and one for the road"!!!
>
I love this one:)
>
>Yes, particularly on roundabouts.
ROFL. Ask Doug about roundabouts;)
Meryl
MrUK4U
Wow! You do more in a day than I do in about 3 years!!!
<<<
I think, we ALL do LOADS in any one single day. But, we don't necessarily
bother to go describing it in total detail. And, that is whether we choose to
go out, or, not?!
If we really were to try and describe it in FULL explicit raw detail...exactly
how our day went...then, I'm sure, we'd end up writing a whole entire
book...explaining just ALL that had happened to us on ONE single day!
As to me going about here, there, everywhere...; well, you see, I'm still
relatively young/fit/strong/energetic/and, am even on Steroid pills(doctor
prescribed), as well...so, that's why, I guessl when I start I find I really
CAN'T stop!
Actually, what goes through my mind is...sometimes, I have NO energy,
atall...and, then, I won't even move outside of the home.../or, even get up out
of bed!
So, when I do find I have enough energy to move...; I do my BEST to use it to
the MAX...; and, just keep on moving, moving, MOVING!
>>>
You sound very trusting, inviting people back to your flat
<<<
I don't trust no strangers, atall. It might seem that way on the surface...but,
deep down, as far as I'm concerned there is no real closeness between us,
whatsoever...because to me they are still strange(people to be kept at a SAFE
distance)! Even people who are strangers who I've known for long years...are
still strange! Come to think of it...some of my own family...are still strange!
As to the issue of trust...; sometimes, one instinctively...knows who to trust
or not...; and, just how far one can trust them or not...; like trusting
someone so much...doesn't mean you don't still have any doubts about
them.../nor, that you trust them completely, altogeather, like they were
perfect God?!
Also, some people seem to be awfully agressive-those I prefer to stay the hell
away from! And, some people seem to be much more laid back, warm, friendly,
and, polite. Then, I just feel I CAN trust them to some, more or less, degree.
As to inviting strangers home.../I don't think I've invited home more than
anymore than a mere handful of strangers, altogeather. I don't necessarily feel
entirely comfortable with them being inside of my home, neither. I always
wonder are they going to steal anything. Or, will they be rude towards my
family members(mum)?! And, the truth is I never really relax, properly, not
until when they've left my home.
But, this I feel is something I must learn to do...learn to trust...learn to
take a few risks...learn to open up myself...learn to deal with people who are
strangers...without thinking every stranger out there is just either going to
KILL me/or else, totally ROB/or, RIP me off! I mean, how can you learn these
things if you NEVER ever try???!!!
>>>
and how do you manage to talk to complete strangers like that? I would NEVER
have the courage.
<<<
Say you yourself do own a dog. And, then, you go over to the park to walk your
dog, regularly. And, inside of the park you see somebody else walking their
dog. Somehow, you don't feel like you are two total strangers, anymore...;
because, there is this common bond, and, understanding between you. That you
both share exactly the same interests in life. And, thus, you feel you already
know one another.
Well, it's the same for me...when I go into a park...and, I see a martial
artist practicing their art. I LOVE martial arts...and, always have done from
ever since youngest childhood. If I see martial arts being performed either on
TV/or else, in a class/or, a demo...I go and watch, right away, instantly. Just
CANNOT resist!
So, when I see a martial artist in the park performing their art...I, quite
naturally, can't resist going up to them... and, asking...what style is
that/where did you learn it from/who is your teacher/where is the club
located/how much do the lessons cost/how long have you been training for/do you
take any other styles/what is your rank/do you teach/would you be willing to
teach, or, spar with me/can we share togeather a few techniques right here on
the spot/-etc.
So, when you both share the same interest togeather...; it somehow seems
entirely natural to want to talk about it. Almost effortless, actually. As you
can't help being extremely curious. Thus, the conversations just, simply,
flows....
>>>
Is this something you have only been able to do recently?
<<<
It's not something I tend to do, every day. But, every now and then, somebody
looks really friendly/ok...and, that makes me act a hell of a lot braver, at
least, on the outside...than, I might actually be feeling inside...where I
still have many doubts?!
When I go up to somebody -(who doesn't look like they would feel too offended
by my obvious intrustion on their training?!)- and ask them all kinds of
questions about martial arts. Sometimes, they are friendly.../and, sometimes
NOT!
>>>Sometimes, they just IGNORE me.
ME: 'Do you do martial arts?'
THEM: Shake of head to say, no. And, then, silently, they run off!
>>>Sometimes, they STOP training...making me feel really GUILTY for having so
RUDELY interrupted them...and, then, they walk off.
>>>Sometimes, they TALK to me...; but, seem VERY guarded...like they don't want
to talk to me, atall...or, share any training secrets.
>>>Sometimes, they are warm, open, friendly...that's when I start to feel
trust.
...But, every single time, I go up to a martial artist in the park...it takes a
certain amount of guts...and, wondering to myself...are they going to like me
or not?! Are they going to be friendly or not?! So, I really wouldn't say it's
something I find really easy to do.
And, even when I'm talking to them...I still wonder if they have a temper...how
bad is their temper...and, say if we were to spar togeather...would they beat
me up, quite literally...or else, go very gently with my total beginner self?!
Thus, at no point do I feel totally comfortable when dealing with stranger
martial artist people, atall. Bearing in mind, these people might well be
skilled enough to, actually, quite literally, KILL me, that is, if they -at any
moment- wished to do so!
>>>
Would you say you have fixed the worst of the SP?
<<<
My SP was...I don't trust dealing with strangers.
My current condition is still...I don't trust dealing with strangers!
So, for me, absolutely nothing has changed.
It's like one goes through the physical imitation motions...of pretending to be
non-SP...going up to strangers and talking to them....inviting them home,
occassionally/or, going into their home when invited...but, none of this is to
say I, all of a sudden, trust strangers! I don't!
I still worry what the hell might happen next...; how could it all go wrong?!
And, exactly how very badly wrong could it go...!!! The only time I trust a
stranger...is when they are gone. So long as I'm in a strangers company...then,
all that goes through my mind is doubt, doubt, DOUBT?!
Do I like them(or, is it just merely my own imagination)? Do they like me(or,
are they just merely pretending)? Do they have some sort of ulterior motive?
Are they criminal/(or, linked with criminals)?/-Etc.
But, I also know that if I'm ever going to learn to deal with SP??? Then, I
also have to learn to go and face dealing with these doubts...
Ok, let's say, you want to go learn to swim...because, you can't, yet!
But, you HATE having to stick your face/nose into water...as it feels like you
can't breath, properly?! And, even like you are about to DROWN(PANIC)!!!
Well, you can either practice learning to swim on DRY LAND(dreaming)...; or, at
some point, you're going to have to face learning to swim in real water...and,
even getting your face wet underneath water, as well.
To me, this is the same as learning to socialise...the only way to learn is to
try doing it for real...and, not just purely in imagination, alone...imagining
myself socialising I find just doesn't get me nowhere! Thus, I have to take the
risk of doing it for real.
Because, I 'did it' for real...doesn't mean I 'like' doing it for real...or,
that I feel 'comfortable' doing it for real...instead, it just means I'm
'trying' to LEARN how to do it for 'real'...by 'doing it' for real.
To me, this is all purely an experiment...and, a constant learning experience.
40 years old, and, still haven't learnt to socialise, yet?! How much older do I
have to grow...before...I ever decide to 'start' learning to socialise???
Surely, now, would be about the 'right' time...
>>>
It is very useful to have a file somewhere with all details of credit
cards/store cards etc. Including phone number of who to phone if card is
lost or stolen. Does make life a lot easier.
<<<
Yes, I agree. And, in future, I will be attending to doing this really, very
carefully, indeed.
>>>
Maybe Errol is a thief. I think you have to be prepared for that.
<<<
Actually, I found my missing wallet...and, it still contained all of my missing
credit cards/-etc. inside of it. Somebody had handed the missing wallet in to
the college security guards. So, in the end, I'm glad I didn't say
anything...and, just stayed completely silent...Errol is NOT a theif...and,
thank goodness I didn't go and say so!
>>>
Hope things are going well.
Michelle
<<<
Well, I'm still going to college. And, still doing 'new' courses...as they
become due...yesterday, I did 'Painting on China'...and, tomorrow(today) it
will be 'Art Workshop/and, Yoga'. Wondering how the hell all of that will go...
But, then, you know SP people...they worry far too damn much! So, for this
reason, I prefer to tell my worrying mind to, quite simply, shut up...and, just
go to sleep...then, when I wake up...go off to classes...and, see how it goes
from there, afterwards??? As opposed to worrying myself to DEATH, long
before...; because, then, I would never go to any classes, atall!
GOOD LUCK/;-)
MrUK4U
And, thanks very much for that excellent explanation of all of those childhood
games. Yes, now, I do believe I can remember them ALL. Thanks to you!/;-) And,
a really GREAT reminder it is, too.
<<<
Subject: Re: Socialising EXERCISES -(or, tricks)- one can do...
From: "mad mitch" mad....@NOSPAMntlworld.com
Date: 30/09/03 20:10 GMT Daylight Time
Message-id: <ZNkeb.3614$QH3...@newsfep4-winn.server.ntli.net>
mad mitch
"Meryl" <map...@ozemail.com.au> wrote in message
news:s2vjnvg2hvgogg0pv...@4ax.com...
> ROFL. Ask Doug about roundabouts;)
>
Doug???? ...............................
mad mitch
not have done your mistrust of strangers any good!
Does anyone trust strangers Paul? I don't think you are alone with this.
And I agree with you that knowing whether you can trust someone is a gut
feeling. Some people can do this, some can't. My Dad just trusts everyone
regardless, whereas my Mum has very strong feelings and intuition about
people. I personally find trust quite a broad issue - do you trust them not
to steal? Not to be violent towards you? Not to break your confidence? To
be honest and not be two faced to you?
Michelle
"MrUK4U" <mru...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20030930214011...@mb-m19.aol.com...
MrUK4U
Well, I went to my 1st Art Workshop class...we drew still life...vases on a
table...with a cloth backdrop. The teacher said, she wanted to see what level
of ablity we were at. I got to admit my stuff was just mere outline scribble!
She, then, gave us some homework...go home, and, set up a still life to
draw...just like we did in class. And, she also gave us some papers to
read...to teach us how to shade/do proper perspective/-etc. She said she would
know if we read these papers or not...by seeing if our homework drawing had
improved or not?!
Anyway, that was one class out of the way...; and, so one less thing to go
worrying about...; if I will be able to handle it or not...I did!
MY 1ST YOGA CLASS
And, I also went to my 1st Yoga class. The 'beginners' class was not as
difficult as I had imagined it might be.
It was mostly gentle stretching...; and, you were not forced or reprimanded if
you couldn't do a certain move...; but, instead, the teacher was very kind,
patient, forgiving.
Yoga postures -(unlike say, aerobics, which is done really fast)- are done
really slow...and, with lots of slow deep breathing.
At the end of the class, I actually felt far better than when I had, first,
went in there. More calm/relaxed/positive thinking.
I was going to leave the Yoga evening class -just like I left my 1st class this
morning- without having even said a single word to anybody there, but, the
teacher, alone...; but, then, I said to myself I must try. So, I went up to a
girl...who had been practicing right beside me...; and, asked her, 'do you feel
much better?' She said, 'a little bit.' And, we both laughed!
However, our conversation wasn't long. But, the main thing was I tried chatting
with a stranger...and, even the opposite sex, as well...which is definitely,
most unusual, for me! I, usually, find it a lot more easier going up, and,
talking to guys, instead.
CONCLUSION
Anyway, another college day done, for me. And, I still have a few more 'new'
classes to go try. Including 'Drawing from life'??? And, 'Tai Chi'. With plenty
of more 'new' people to go and meet, I'm sure.
But, if you were to, quite seriously, ask me...has my Social Phobia changed
much, deep down inside? Then, I would have to admit to you...no, absolutely
nothing has changed, atall.
I still have no close relationships/or, girlfriend. I still don't go asking
girls out. And, the guys who I hook up with...to practice martial arts...-(it's
VERY difficult to learn martial arts, alone...proper
timing/distancing/balance/technique/-etc. So, you really and truly need to work
out with a partner.)- I don't feel close to them, neither. Instead, it's just a
'distant' thing. Hi...let's practice...goodbye.
So, ultimately, I still feel very much, all alone, as ever I did before was I
going to college.
But, at least, going to college offers me 2 things...
1) The chance to get a few qualifications...; as I have NONE!
2) The chance to go and socialise with others...; by, simply, being around
others more. I may, or, may not choose to take such chances...depending on if I
feel 'brave' or not...and, most times -(99 out of 100)-, I feel utterly
cowardly, instead...; but, at least, the opportunity to go and socialise is
there.
I believe that if you put yourself in the right place/being in amongst the
right people...people who share your same interests in life...; then, at some
point or other...when you see an opportunity that is far too tempting to be
able to leave - then, you will take it.
So, I believe that, eventually, my really big opportunity will come along for
me to go and take...; all depending on what it is I want at whichever
particular moment in time...bearing in mind wants/needs can, also, change?!
And, that what we wanted, yesterday...; is NOT necessarily what we will want,
today...; or, what we want, today...might NOT necessarily be what we will want,
tomorrow?!
Anyway, according to what I feel I want at the moment...then, I must make sure
I've put myself in the right place, first, to go and get it. And, so, this is
what I'm mostly working on learning to do...
.
GOOD LUCK, Michelle, and, ALL!/;-)