I'm scared of mirrors etc.
Adrian
scared of mirrors and reflections of myself. I can only see how depressed I
look and how sad I look and I think other people will think I am a real sad
case - in reality I am a fairly intelligent and sensitive (shy) bloke.
I keep trying to look at myself in the mirror in a more relaxed way but
can't relax and the more I try to relax the harder it becomes. I have molded
my consciousness into something that is neurotic, edgy, nervous and badly
lacking confidence - and that is not attractive to anyone - I know!!
How did all this come about? A long time ago I just started having intrusive
thoughts, and started to analyse far too much, and before I knew it became a
bad habit that I have never managed to kick. Now it has embedded itself so
far into my psyche that I feel it's there to stay - unless I have a brain
transplant but I can't see that ever happening somehow!!!
Sometimes I think I must think I am giving them dirty, aggresive looks or
glances. Well, I feel they are perceived as dirty looks. I think that
because I am so often feeling nervous, anxious and scared around unfamiliar
people (or strangers) my eyes reflects this uneasyness. I wish I smiled more
at people and tryed to stop thinking 'what will people think if I look at
them the wrong way' and things like that. Because I feel quite negative
about myself as a person, I tend to think that when somebody looks at me
(for no apparent reasons) that i am being negatively evaluated. This in turn
leads me to feeling a little bit hostile towards the person, and I guess
this must sometimes come across with the way my gaze is directed at that
person. Often, I will try to avoid eye contact but I have to make a
conscious effort to do this. I always like to sneak a glance to see if I'm
being watched - if I am being watched I hate this as I wonder what the hell
the person is looking at, and I feel a little bit provoked and angry at
times.
I know this is my problem, and I have to try to deal with it, but it is very
very hard to come to terms with and is in part the cause of my bad
depressive episodes.
Does anybody here understand where I am coming from, and experience similar
stuff to this on a day to day basis? I would like to hear from you,
regardless.
Kind Regards
Richard
mruk4u
been me writing about me. To give you an example...
I was going down a set of moving escalator stairs...; and, there was
this guy coming up the other end. He just kept on and on staring at
me...wouldn't take his eyes off me not even for one single
moment...well, I started staring back...hoping my staring at him back
would teach him to stop staring...but, no, he just kept on
staring...well, finally, I decided I'd had quite enough of this
nonsense...and, I suddenly went and stuck two fingers up at him; thus,
giving him the V-sign!
Frankly, I felt most deeply ashamed of myself, afterwards...; how could
I have acted so rude?! But, I just didn't like the guy STARING at
me...; what is he staring at me for...; after all, I don't know him...;
and, if he's a homo in love with me...then, I'm not a homo so I don't
need him to be staring at me! If not a homo, then, what is he staring
at me for...if it's not because I'm ever so handsome/then, it must be
because he thinks I'm particularly 'ugly'...but, there again, I
wouldn't want him staring at me for thinking I'm ugly, neither. My
sheer FUSTRATION comes from thinking...I DON'T want this thing to
happen...and, yet, it IS happening...like being caught up in a
NIGHTMARE!...this, then, causes me to feel ANGRY and behave rather
WILDLY(trying my best to escape)!
Anyway, the above is just one incident that has happened to me in the
past. I could tell you about 1000+ more dead similar stories. Whenever
people stare...I immediately start to feel extremely uncomfortable.
Why? Well, whenever I look inside of the mirror...I'm certainly NOT
happy with what I see...I wish I were more handsome/more tall/more
athletic looking/-etc. Therefore, if I'm not happy with what I see
inside of the mirror. It is very difficult for me to imagine, then,
that anybody staring...will be happy to be looking at me...my idea is
they are looking at me with bad thoughts going through their
head...this guy is so ugly/-etc. That's why I find it really head to
deal with when anybody STARES!
A short stare lasting for only a few seconds is perfectly fine...so
long as the person eventually looks away...to me, that's just natural
people checking other people out...; but, any prolonged stare...very
quickly starts to really bug me, and, totally gets on my nerves!
Sometimes, I even wonder if the staring is a challege to a fight? I
mean, if you are staring at someone...and, you can see that they don't
like it -judging from their body language- that the staring is making
them feel increasingly uncomfortable...then, surely, the polite right
and proper thing to do is, simply, look away. But, no, some people
don't seem able to take a hint...and, just continue trying to make you
become as increasingly uncomfortable as is possible...then, I feel they
are just begging for trouble...by enjoying seeing your utter
discomfort, and, thus, taking things to the max!
I'm not saying here, I regularly go around fighting people who do stare
at me...; because, 99 times out of 100...I don't want to go make a
spectacle of myself in full public view...which means I am the one who
will rush to go the other way...; but, then again there is that 1 time
in 100 when I just don't feel like backing down atall...that's when I
find myself staring right back straight into their face...then, they
will usually sense the challenge and do back down...by looking away.
But, those who don't look away...; when I've gone and challeged
them...; then, anything can happen, next?! And, basically, they asked
for it...