A page from 2day's diary
Sylvain Van der Walde
> (names have been changed to protect the innocent)
> 8/26/99
Elise.
We do *understand* what you're going through. Have you seen your doctor about
it? You should; you have a mental *illness,* after all. Please tell us more
about what you have tried to do to help yourself.
> well d-day (first day school) is next monday. If I drop out of school
> this time, that’s it. I will just never go back. Husband has basicly been
> home the entire summer with no work. Either things pick up next month or
> it’s bankruptcy time. What the hell I am doing here I don’t know.
> Complaining about things doesn’t help. Denial only works for a limited
> time. Sooner or later reality hits. Phil Henry was on the radio talking
> about reincarnation. The idea is that you choose your life before your
> born. Each new life is a chance to learn something new. It’s also
> possible for enemies in one life to meet again in the next life and become
> friends or lovers. The main thing I am learning in this life is how it
> feels for everyone to hate me. I also know what it feels like to be
> unable to love anyone. If there is some truth to reincarnation, I can’t
> figure out the benefit or purpose of picking out this existence. I don’t
> see how I can “learn” to overcome my inherent mental and emotional
> limitations and thereby progress. They are simply there and immutable,
> like my height and skin color. I am extremly selfish and suprisingly
> shocked at how little I get of helping others. If only it felt better I
> would do it more often. My soft spot seems to be small animals like dogs
> and cats. The thought of someone hurting a small furry creature is enough
> to bring forth thoughts of violence and hatred to my normally nonhostile
> nature. I will go farther than describing myself as nonhostile. I am a
> coward when it comes to defending my own integrity and dignity. I lift
> not one finger when it comes to people stepping on my face. But I will
> jump in front of a leaping, ready to bite german shepard to protect my
> little dogs. I am verbally unable to defend myself. I cannot banter or
> even express the simplest of thoughts. This is most likely due the fact
> that my thoughts and ideas are fuzzy to begin with. Every word, look, and
> gestere in a conversation is analyzed and interpreted in the worst
> possible way. These thoughts are in turn accompanyed by nervousness and a
> racing heart. A conversation, I suppose, is supposed to be an exchange of
> thoughts and ideas. A relaxing experience, I guess, in which your own
> thoughts can become more crystallized. I almost never experience this.
> But it does sound wonderful and beutiful to me, to be able to share ones
> self in complete comfort and ease. I bet most people don’t understand this
> particular flaver of misery. It is a strange disability, unrecognized
> and not understood by most people, but rightly so. What does it mean not
> to be able to talk? That’s what it boils down to. Oh what a joy it is
> to me. I guess I didn’t know what the hell I was doing when I picked
> out this life and I don’t know now either.
Regards.
Sylvain Van der Walde (Mr).
swa...@swalde.u-net.com
(London, England, UK).
Just Me
I don't hate you and don't think you are unlovable.
I see a lot of "me" in your post....I'm still kinda living in a denial kinda
state, but I have read a lot on there that gives me hope. Please, don't
give up & try to be hopeful!!!
Hugs again!!!
Joe
>8/26/99
=============================
When they criticize and make fun of me,
don't they see the tears in my smile ?
Don't they realize there's just one of me,
and it has to last me a while ? ~ Sandy in Grease :)
MzPami
>well d-day (first day school) is next monday. If I drop out of school this
>time, that’s it. I will just never go back.
Hi Elise
Maybe you should think about taking a light schedule : ) Sometimes these things
are best tackled in *baby steps*.
Husband has basicly been home
>the
>entire summer with no work. Either things pick up next month or it’s
>bankruptcy time.
I can understand that, but my situation is I'm working my ass off and getting
no where real fast!
> What the hell I am doing here I don’t >know. Complaining
>about things doesn’t help. Denial only works for a limited time. Sooner or
>later reality hits.
Sometimes venting helps : )
<<read and snipped>>
Elise, have you seen a doctor? It sounds to me that you have some serious
depression goin on along with your SP. There is help out there, you just have
to take the first step.
Pam
>