When D, her elder sister graduated, 3 years ago, my mother &
stepfather, their only living grandparents, bought D a $75 drum as a
Last spring, they bought D a used car. T couldn't drive, and was
younger, so that's fine. I said to her, "When you're driving, and
graduated, I'm sure grandma and grandpa will do the same for you."
Because, of course, it never occurred to me, because I'm REALLY REALLY
STUPID, that anyone could favour any grandchild so blatantly as to buy
one a car and not the other one, in due course.
T doesn't have her license yet so it remains to be seen. But. When
they sent D & her partner to Mexico,this past Christmas, both T and I
kind of went....gee....um......when T got $75 for Christmas. We
thought there was a core inequity. However, this was explained away by
telling us that actually, the trip to Mexico was a graduation present
Well, fine. That took some swallowing, but T worked with it. It was a
little cool there for awhile, because the favouritism is so blatant in
so many ways, but I worked with the girls and I tried to help T frame
it up in a positive way as best I could, and ok, she made a real
effort to see this in the most favourable light. So fine.
On Wednesday, T graduates. Tonight my mother called me up, and said,
like it was a total mystery to her, "What did we get D for her
graduation? I forget." I said, "Um. You got her and M a trip to Mexico
this past Christmas." To which she responds, "Oh, no, that was a
Christmas present." I'm going, "Uh, no. No, you told us very clearly
that it was a graduation present. You'll recall that T got $75 for
Christmas and you said the trip to Mexico was a graduation present.
You're going to have some trouble telling her now that it was a
Christmas present." To which my mother responds, "Well, no, it wasn't
for graduation, it was for finishing school. They're different." I
say, perfectly calm, perfectly cool, "Ah. How, exactly, are they
different?" She gets flustered and says, "Well, they just are. They're
different." I say, "Oh. Well. T will also be finishing school next
month. At the same time as she graduates." My mother gets all
flustered and starts sort of babbling and I say, "Look, D's right
here, talk to D" Because I know that if I talk to her further, I'm
going to have to kill her. So D goes on the phone, and when asked what
she got for grad, she says, "Drums." D is 19 and afraid of pissing
I am as angry as ever I get. I am FURIOUS. I am SO MAD.
I don't give a fuck what people get, but this is gonna HURT T and
JESUS H CHRIST IN THE ROSEBOWL PARADE, hasn't she been HURT ENOUGH
I am severely pissed.
I think what's going to happen, is if they don't figure it out, and
fast, I"m going to walk away from this. I'm going to walk away from my
mother in order to avoid killing her. She's never going to change. She
has *always* engaged in gross favouritism. Everybody knows it,
everybody sees it. Even D said, just before she took the phone today,
to a friend next to her, "Oh, it's my grandmother. She plays just
Right now, I'm really having trouble not hating my mother. I know that
I need to not do that, for my own sake. I didn't, when she did it to
me. (For my grad, I got a necklace & earrings set, and my sister got
six weeks in Europe.). When it was me, I just rolled my eyes and stood
back from it. But this time, it's my kids. And I just don't think I
can stand back from that. It's doing them BOTH a lot of harm.
It's not like she's ever parented me anyway. I've done without a
functional mother all this time. I can certainly do without a nominal
one. Nobody needs this shit.
Damn Cele, that is shit, total shit! Doesn't she care about hurting T? I
think the one big question is this...... Is she doing this intentionally? Do
you really think that she thinks this is a big thing? Apparently this has
been her behavior all her life and she thinks at this time that it is fine.
Regardless, for your sake and your children, you need to express your
feelings of hurt because you are feeling hurt from the past and for what is
happening to T. You know how T feels because you felt it also years ago. Mom
isn't going to change over night but maybe (because don't we get wiser with
age??) she will come to a realization ff you talk to her about T and her
pain. Of course I bet you have tried talking to her, hence the total anger
at this point. Sometimes it is ok to write off someone, even if only
temporary, for one's own sanity.
Good luck and hugs!
PS..... Paul.... take all weapons out of her house! :)
I wished I had words of wisdom for you. Sometimes a good rant is necessary.
I understand your pain. I had a relative show serious favoritism and it hurt
really bad. My mom always felt as though she had to overcompensate for that
That's horrible. I know almost everyone, at one point or another, has shown
some sort of favorites... Even if it was a teacher in school, bosses at
work, hell, even family. It really sucks. I know for a fact that my dad
favored me. I was his little girl. He never, ever, however, made it so
blatantly obvious where it really hurt my brothers or anyone. It was just
small little things, like a motorcycle ride on a Friday night for fun and
ice cream just because I asked. Nothing horribly obvious that would make me
feel more loved, wanted or appreciated than my brothers. My mom has always
shown favorited with both my brothers. They're mama's boys, and she's
always given just a little extra to them that she never gave me, but again,
it was nothing that ever hurt me or made me feel less.
To be honest, I had wondered, for the last little while, if something like
this would happen to me. I know I have one aunt and uncle (my mom's sister)
who just love B, and they have no grandchildren of their own. They treat
him and spoil him worse than what the average child gets spoiled by
grandparents. I was scared that there might be favorites with this next
baby, wondering if they'd treat it the same way, and, actually, I think my
auntie and uncle are the most excited since we found out it was a girl.
There hasn't been a girl in the family since me (over 20 years ago!)
Maybe a break from your own mom is what YOU need. We don't need to read in
the papers about a murder ;) where some crazy lady goes all apeshit on her
mother! What she is doing, and has done, just doesn't seem right, but it
also seems that there's nothing you can really do about it. If talking to
her is like yelling at the next teen horror movie's next victim, where you
yell out, "NO! DON'T GO UPSTAIRS!!! GO OUTSIDE, YOU STUPID GIRL!" then
what's the point? Everyone else hears you, but the one who does need to
hear you listens like a bowl of hair, what are you left to do?
I really have no advice. It's such a stupid situation, and it really is a
situation you, and BOTH the girls should have to be in.
I'm with Kate on this one. I'm going through a similar love/hate experience
with my Mother and I just don't understand how some people can be so utterly
devoid of thought. Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away from
those that hurt us, I mean I wouldn't put up with it in a stranger, so why
should my family be any different? Perhaps it's time to take a stand.
Big hugs Cele :)
I want to say first, you're mom is wrong, i agree 100%.
Now I wanna tell you a story bout a boy named sue ( tom actually lol )
I was about 13 years old, maybe close to 14, and I lived in a "state run"
( provinvial for you Canuck friendly types ) group home. Now I could write
you a book about the bad food but that's irelevant to this particular story.
So the deal at this place is if anything "big" happens ( two kids fight,
group dynamics aren't what staff want, or whatever ) the whole unit gets
locked down, we are forced to wear PJ's and scrub walls with toothbrush's
for days and days. ( ok I know I said i woudn't get into the food, but in a
"tighthouse" which is what they called this lockdown, only peanut butter and
bread is served, and did I mention this IS NOT A CORRECTIONS unit LOL) ok
but enough of that.
So me and this kid ( names have been changed to protect the guilty ) Andrew
are sent to pick up some clean towels on another wing. Andrew decides it
might be funny to pull the firealarm ( it should be noted Andrew is fairly
new to the "home") and I thinking spending Christmas here scrubbing walls
and eating bread and peanut butter would really suck stopped him.
The unit director called us into his office when he heard what happened and
I was put into a locked room with nothing in it other then a bed for 2
weeks. They told me I had used physical force to stop him ( I put my hand
over the pulldown alarm, but i digress ), and that any physical force
equaled violence. Merry Christmas.
To get to the point,I ran into the ( now former ) unit director a few years
ago ( I often speak in highschools and to other high risk teens about drugs
and heroin in particular ) during a talk I was giving at a detention center
and I asked him if he remebered the above incident.
He said I needed to learn that the world was anything but fair. He told me
that a man who got the raw end of the stick and still come out on top would
go far in this world.
My point is your daughter can walk away having learnt a lesson much more
valuable then any car.
Take care Cele and good luck :)
Thanks, V. I really did just want to rant - didn't expect any
solutions. I figure, if one was obvious, I'd've probably spotted it by
It's tricky, the whole overcompensation thing, because it can become a
vicious cycle. I try not to do that, but rather to refuse to
participate in my mother's favouritism by condoning it. I dunno. No
Anyway, I've moved on to more recent stresses. LOL
>Damn Cele, that is shit, total shit! Doesn't she care about hurting T?
My mother is very....self absorped. She's not mean, she just has often
not noticed that there are other people around the planet, and that
she's impacting them. She does what she pleases and doesn't so much
damn the consequences as fail to notice there *are* any.
>I think the one big question is this...... Is she doing this intentionally? Do
>you really think that she thinks this is a big thing? Apparently this has
>been her behavior all her life and she thinks at this time that it is fine.
Not exactly introspective, is my mother. I doubt she gives it much
thought at all, truth be told. Until I finally let it be known I'm not
amused, and then she immediately goes into defensive mode.
>Regardless, for your sake and your children, you need to express your
>feelings of hurt because you are feeling hurt from the past and for what is
>happening to T. You know how T feels because you felt it also years ago.
Nah, I'm pretty much disinterested in the past, except insofar as it
reinforces for me that I'm not imagining things and it's not crazy of
me not to want her to be subjected to this.
>Mom isn't going to change over night but maybe (because don't we get wiser with
>age??) she will come to a realization ff you talk to her about T and her
>pain. Of course I bet you have tried talking to her, hence the total anger
>at this point. Sometimes it is ok to write off someone, even if only
>temporary, for one's own sanity.
She'll never change. She is what she is. Most of the time I don't get
myself especially bothered. It's only when it affects my kids that I
FWIW, she seems to have registered she's about to fuck up bigtime, and
is treading carefully, so we might be able to pull this out of the
weeds with a bit of luck. One thing at a time, dontcha know.
>Good luck and hugs!
>PS..... Paul.... take all weapons out of her house! :)
Heh. Paul's a long way away for taking weaponry! Only 16 1/2 more
That whole story sucks, and rings true, too. I work with a lot of kids
in group homes, and they aren't happy places, by and large, are they?
Lamentably, my daughter's already had plenty of opportunity to learn
that life's not fair, and really doesn't need additional assistance
from my mother. T has already been through abduction on her way to
school, among other things, just because she was, well, walking to
And my mother knows it. So I think for me it's more about the fact
that, knowing the kid's history, my mother *chooses* to behave as she
does - I mean, life isn't fair, but it doesn't need any help from us
to make it worse, does it?
Anyhow, I'm glad things have (presumbly) improved for you. It's an
impressive accomplishment, to make it out of the social services
system as a child, and I wish you well.
>On Mon, 30 May 2005 04:14:32 GMT, Cele <clte...@shaw.ca> the
>following was posted in blue crayon:
>>OK, so T is graduating on Wednesday. Against all odds, the kid is
>>graduating, and on time. And those of you who've been here awhile,
>>know what she's been through and how hard it's been for her to get
>She is an inspiration for doing so. I hope she writes a book about
>this all. It will so help other young women to succeed too.
She made it! She says she wants to take psychology & work with street
kids. She'd be awesome at that....
><snip gifts of drum, car, trip to mexico for D & M>
>>I am as angry as ever I get. I am FURIOUS. I am SO MAD.
>>I don't give a fuck what people get, but this is gonna HURT T and
>>JESUS H CHRIST IN THE ROSEBOWL PARADE, hasn't she been HURT ENOUGH
>Yep...she's been hurt and yes, that is enough.
>>I am severely pissed.
[wry smile] Thanks. I think the validation is what I needed, & I
>>I think what's going to happen, is if they don't figure it out, and
>>fast, I"m going to walk away from this. I'm going to walk away from my
>>mother in order to avoid killing her. She's never going to change. She
>>has *always* engaged in gross favouritism. Everybody knows it,
>>everybody sees it. Even D said, just before she took the phone today,
>>to a friend next to her, "Oh, it's my grandmother. She plays just
>>Right now, I'm really having trouble not hating my mother. I know that
>>I need to not do that, for my own sake.
>That may be exactly what you need to do.
>When they wrote the rule book that said that only bad children hate
>their mothers, they were wrong.
Nah. I don't want to not hate her for *her* sake, I want to not hate
her for *my* sake. Hate is really destructive....makes you miserable.
I don't wanna be miserable. I'm just walking away from it. I don't
need the shit. I seem to be very much in a 'who needs it?' phase.
Maybe because these days, with Paul, I'm seeing how lovely life *can*
be, I have less tolerance for the crap. I dunno.
She did clean up her act enough to recognise she'd better tread
carefully. I think my stepfather intervened, finally. She talked to me
and when I was pretty firm about what I saw, she talked to D. The
story now is that they're going to take T out and buy her a gift for
$150 and then give her a trip later. I'll believe it when I see it.
But it buys a bit of time. So we shall see.
>No one would ever dare say that after all that you've put up with and
>I think you have very good reason to walk away from her. She hurts
>your children. It may look like she's only hurting T but in giving D
>stuff, she's playing with their relationship. This is harming both of
>the girls and you.
To be sure.
>You've tried hard not to have it come to this point. You've bent over
>backwards and yet, here you are.... it isn't YOU. And sometimes
>cutting out the infection is the only way to cure it. Sorry this
>sounds harsh but you're doing the same things over and over again to
>try, single-handedly, to keep your family together and it hasn't
>worked. You've been taking step after step after step... and it
>hasn't worked. Time to do something different.
>> I didn't, when she did it to
>>me. (For my grad, I got a necklace & earrings set, and my sister got
>>six weeks in Europe.). When it was me, I just rolled my eyes and stood
>>back from it. But this time, it's my kids. And I just don't think I
>>can stand back from that. It's doing them BOTH a lot of harm.
>heh.. yeah. Sorry. I shoulda read. I'm leaving the above because if
>the two of us have come to the same conclusion, then it's gotta be the
We're in a holding pattern. I think she's beginning to catch on that
if she fucks it up, I"m outta the relationship. Good. If that's what
>>It's not like she's ever parented me anyway. I've done without a
>>functional mother all this time. I can certainly do without a nominal
>>one. Nobody needs this shit.
>((((( Cele )))))
>Yeah.. you derved better than that. Thankfully, you did better for
Too bad the world doesn't give us all what we deserve, huh? But then,
>I'm with Kate on this one. I'm going through a similar love/hate experience
>with my Mother and I just don't understand how some people can be so utterly
>devoid of thought. Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away from
>those that hurt us, I mean I wouldn't put up with it in a stranger, so why
>should my family be any different? Perhaps it's time to take a stand.
Thanks. You're right. And I did take something of a stand, in that,
when she finally decided to talk to me about what to get Taylor, I
didn't let her get away with changing her story even though she
certainly tried. So now, we'll see what happens next. But I'm almost
disengaged enough to not care all that much.
On some days, anyway.
>Maybe a break from your own mom is what YOU need. We don't need to read in
>the papers about a murder ;) where some crazy lady goes all apeshit on her
>mother! What she is doing, and has done, just doesn't seem right, but it
>also seems that there's nothing you can really do about it. If talking to
>her is like yelling at the next teen horror movie's next victim, where you
>yell out, "NO! DON'T GO UPSTAIRS!!! GO OUTSIDE, YOU STUPID GIRL!" then
>what's the point? Everyone else hears you, but the one who does need to
>hear you listens like a bowl of hair, what are you left to do?
>I really have no advice. It's such a stupid situation, and it really is a
>situation you, and BOTH the girls should have to be in.
Thanks, xkatx. You pretty much have it down, in your description of
talking to my mom. Lately, though, there's been a bit of a
rapproachment, in that my stepdad appears to be getting the picture.
He usually does get it long before she does. He doesn't stand up to
her, but he does work quietly in the background to make things more
sane. He has now indicated to T that he's aware of the situation and
will be addressing it. So that's good.
What's sad, is that it's necessary. I mean, him making sure she's
treated fairly, doesn't change the fact that she's not receiving the
same kind of love. Or any love, for that matter, from her grandmother.
I think we're all playing it by ear.
You know what the real bottom line is? The bottom line is that my
mother is shallow, with a capital S. Shallow. She doesn't think past
her own needs, wants desires. She doesn't care that other people have
them too, including family. She's into self gratification and doesn't
notice the rest of the world. She tantrums like a four year old and
she does as she pleases. T is just fallout from that approach to life.
Occasionally, she will rear her head and notice, somewhere, on some
level, that she might have slipped up, and will make some nod in the
general direction of the slip up, and then go back to feeding at her
own trough. And that's the way it is, the way it has always been, and
at 72, it's not going to change. It is the way it is. So, as I've said
to T, we can take it, or we can leave it, but we're not gonna change
Possibly, the lesson she has to offer us all, is that there are better
ways to be.
Anyhow, thanks for your support.
Hey, maybe we'll get together in August! We're tossing around coming
out of the Yukon via the Mall.
> Hey, maybe we'll get together in August! We're tossing around coming
> out of the Yukon via the Mall.
> Be well.
If you come to WEM, make sure you plan for some time in Kidtropolis... my
kids absolutely adored it and it was relatively inexpensive ($20 for a half
day.) Trust me, it's totally worth it. If you want more information, let
me know, I also have pics. ;)
Thanks, Christine. Bring it on! :-)
The pics entitled wem etc are the ones of Kidtropolis.