self introduction (spoilered about self harm)
jafo
Hello all,
Guess I just didn't know where to turn. My therapist, who at least has
a sense of humor, suggested one visit that I not cut my arms unless I
was planning on wearing a long sleeve shirt. Made the same suggestion
about shorts vs. long pants on another visit when I had cut my legs.
First off, I guess I'm angry cause I'm disabled & have 7 full-time
docs. Next, I lost my main caretaker, my dad, last year. One of my
several disabilities is that I'm a pain patient at a pain clinic. I
don't just miss my father's love & support, but when the pain killers
the pain-doc gives me didn't work, dad would even help out around the
house, even doing laundry.
The woman in my life left me, not cause I harm myself. She actually
believed that I was just real clumsy. Instead, she told me that she
got tired of watching me suffer in pain, and wanted out. In a way, I
don't blame her. I want out too.....
For me, the cutting is kind of a release. Like if I'm real tense, or
get back news from one of the seven dwarves (my nickname for the seven
doctors that I see), I might cut my arm or my leg. It may sound crazy,
but it's like for once I'm in control. It's not the dwarves hurting
me, it's not the chronic pain, it's not one of the other disabilities
I'm stuck with, It was ME causing the pain. I'm in control while I
watch the blood. I even found a way to hide some of the cutting by
scratching a sore on my scalp. I can always brush my hair over it, but
it bleeds well enough when I scratch the old scab off with my
finger-nails to be satisfying.
Yea, I also see a shrink who put me on an anti-depressant for the pain
related depression, but only my talk therapist knows about the
self-harming that I do.
I know that there aren't any magical answers or pixie dust that will
fix my problem. I wasn't even sure that I had to spoiler this first
post, but I NEVER want to hurt another human being EVER, in any way
shape or form. All of the anger is directed at me. Even the suicide
attempts I've made were all directed at hurting me, not getting back at
any one else.
Well, I guess I've taken-up too much time for an unknown's first post.
I promise the group that I will try & be as supportive as I am able.
Right now I'm waiting for surgery on a shoulder for a torn rotator
cuff. The cutting was almost fun the day I came home from my first
surgical assesment, and the doc said that I could just "suck up" the
pain until surgery. What a swell example of humanity, and I'm the
crazy one cause I wanna check-out & get away from people like this.
Thanks in advance for any replies,
JAFO (just another f**king observer)
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couldn't think of anything clever to say