on the edge
Emily
still haven't committed to cutting, but I'm getting close. My main
thought is cutting is better than suicide, and it may provide a bit of
relief. If the cutting doesn't provide relief, I may turn to thoughts
of killing myself. (well o.k., those thoughts are there, but I may
consider them more seriously).
If cutting doesn't work, I may end up in the p-ward. I can't go there. I
know going to the p-ward would just be running away from my problems,and
wouldn't actually solve anything--just put it off. Plus, if I go to the
p-ward, I'd have a p-doc I don't like too much. I don't dislike him, but
there isn't really a connection. Plus, he doesn't think I'm bipolar, so
I'll be back on antidepressants for sure, and then once I'm better, and
leave, I'll go manic, and be taken off of them and back on the roller
coaster. sigh.
So, maybe I'll not cut, but maybe I will, and maybe it will help, and
maybe it won't. I'm definitely getting close.
Emily
lisa in mass.
If you cut, you cut. Not a good thing at all, but not the end
of the world. It will make things more difficult when it comes
to work and dressing for interviews, etc. If you kill
yourself, it is the end of the world. If you think you're
really close and don't want to go in-patient, there's always
your day program, which would at least give you an outlet and
more support than you have now. Still running away, though,
since it will keep you from facing what's going on at work,
which sounds like it's the main source of your problems right
now.
Can you get up any indignation for what they've put you
through at work? Sounds like an impossible situation. Try to
turn your anger outward if you can. Be pissed at your boss, be
pissed at the company for not giving you enough well-trained
help to do your job well.
As you said in your last post, there's other jobs. Try not to
quit this one unless you have something else lined up. You
deserve the unemployment benefits should they try to replace
you.
It'll be ok, Emily. In fact, it'll be better. Put in your
resume with the company working with disabled folk. You might
end up with something you love that you're well-suited for.
This job isn't good for you. There are plenty of others. It's
not worth ending it all over a temporary situation.
I'll be up or awhile longer if you want to post or email.
-lisa