crying
Emily
to control the tears. It's not good to be crying at work--I try to stop
it as much as possible--but some tears get through.
I know it mostly started when I looked over notes from the big wig that
visited yesterday. My department did not do well. I knew it wouldn't.
My boss has not said anything about the visit to me, I was at work, but
not part of the walk through the department. I did talk a little to the
DSM before he left--to share a few of my concerns, but I really didn't
get to say all I wanted. Partly, he didn't have much time, and partly it
was hard for me to say anything at all. I know my boss will mention the
bad review my department got. I will feel like crap for it, because
it's my department after all, and I should make it look great. Never
mind that I don't have the resources needed to make it look great.
Yesterday was a particularly bad day though. I was WAY slower than I
usually am, and we were no where near done with stuff by the time
required. The kid who opened with me also did a bad job of things. He is
usually faster than other openeners, but that is because he doesn't do
stuff well. I kept having to stop what I was doing to ask him to redo
things, or do things for the first time that he claimed he had done etc.
And, he does things so differently from how they are supposed to be
done, or how common sense would dictate they be done, that when he does
try to do them right, he takes forever. (for example, not using a scrub
brush to clean things, but trying to use a paper towel only, and then
complaining that it won't come clean...putting dirty dishes in the sink
without emptying them into the trash first, so he has to wash the sink
and then rewash all the gunk that stuck to the dishes etc.)
Our reptile habitats were dinged because the glass was dirty. The glass
was covered with white fingerprints--the kid had wiped the glass and
then fed the reptiles crickets dusted with calcium. He got calcium dust
on his hands, and left fingerprints all over the glass, but didn't
re-wipe it--he had already wiped it once! Then, there were a few forms
not filled out entirely. The parts were missing were things filled out
only at the beginning of the week--Mondays. I usually fill these forms
out (but whomever opens that part of the department would), and they are
ALWAYS complete. Well, I went back and sure enough two of the forms
were missing some minor information. Of course, I filled them out on
Monday, but I was drugged with benadryl, so of course I missed
something. But, any little tiny miss means a fail for that part of the
review--it's the new company standard, and even though the reviewer is a
good guy and will understand himself why things may not be perfect, he
can't pass us on that part if they aren't. It just kinda sucks. So,
reading the evaluation really bummed me out, because we did so badly,
and I didn't really get a chance to explain everything to the guy
either. Not that it matters. I just feel as if I am a failure because I
can't be perfect at it.
So, I know my job is bad for me (or at least my mental health).
I talk every week in therapy about how sucky my job is. When I was on
my LOA, I was dreading returning to work. I made plans to find a new job
instead of returning to this one. I knew I'd have to return for a bit,
but I was going to look for new work. I never really did. Sometimes work
would be o.k. My problem now is, I want to move to another city. I
can't move until my lease is up in January. I can't see fining a job for
such a short time. Obviously, I wouldn't say "I'm gonna move in nine
months" when looking. But, I think it would be incredibly hard to find a
job where I move if I've been at my new job for such a short time.
Also, I want to return to school. I've got a school and program in mind.
I could complete the program partly on-line and partly in classes where
I want to move. I am thinking I could transfer to another store in the
city I want to move to. If I do that, then I'll have a job where I move,
and I can look for another job while I'm there. It's far easier to find
a job when you already have one. And, it would be easier to find a job
in that city when I'm actually living there. But, I honestly don't know
if I can hang on long enough for that. sigh.
This is far longer than I intended. I just can't stop crying, and I know
my job contributes. But, I need a pay check (as it is, I can barely
make ends meet) and I need health insurance. My insurance may be sucky,
but it is still better than being uninsured. (I paid about $8,000 in
medical bills last year, yet somehow never reached my $2,000 out of
pocket maximum. However, my insurance paid way more than I did in
medical bills for me!)
Emily
lisa in mass.
(((((Emily)))))
Sorry that all I have to offer is a virtual hug. I did read
your post and sympathise, however.
-lisa
Emily
>>
>
> (((((Emily)))))
> Sorry that all I have to offer is a virtual hug. I did read
> your post and sympathise, however.
>
> -lisa
Thanks lisa. I'm glad I've got a nice weekend with the family to look
forward to. Maybe I'll get some things sorted out next week in therapy
as well. I kind of doubt it, as I don't generally do anything different
once I leave therapy, but who knows. Or, perhaps I won't even talk
about work at all, but instead about other stuff that's been on my mind
since failing lamictal. Dunno.
Emily
lisa in mass.
I'm glad you'll have the weekend to decompress. Family's more
important than work, anyway. I hope it goes well.
Also glad you'll finally see your therapist, too. I know you
missed seeing her last week, especially with your nightmare
situation with the Lamictal, both physically and emotionally.
-lisa
Emily
>
> I'm glad you'll have the weekend to decompress. Family's more
> important than work, anyway. I hope it goes well.
>
> Also glad you'll finally see your therapist, too. I know you
> missed seeing her last week, especially with your nightmare
> situation with the Lamictal, both physically and emotionally.
>
> -lisa
The weekend should be great. Of course, I'm in a bad bad mood right
now. If it weren't short sleeved weather, I might seriously cut. But,
the only place that helps me is my forearms, and I can't let anyone see
if I start again. Sigh.
I had a conference call at work today, and while on it was reading
emails etc. I was trying to find a specific sales report that our DSM
was going over, but that email had been deleted. I was in my bosses
folder, and opened an email I shouldn't have. He was asking his bosses
for advice on the stuff he needed to go over with me. Sigh. I looked at
it, and it was kinda my review. It was very bad. I pretty much failed at
everything and made the company look bad. Basically, I saw my name and
got curious, so I read it. I am only sorta sorry I did. I'm glad to
have a bit of a heads up on it. I kinda knew it was coming. Part of me
sees the situation as I don't have the tools to do a better job, but
part of me also knows (rightly or wrongly) that I am somehow not capable
of it myself.
Anyway, now I can't stop crying. I am actively (well online at least)
looking for a new job right now, but I'm not sure how that will happen
or not. Sigh.
Emily
lisa in mass.
You've known for awhile that your current job's very bad for
you. It might be too much to ask anyone put in that position,
or not. But it's hard to give something your all when it's so
obviously a bad fit for you. I hope something better comes
along, and soon! I'll be thinking of you and keeping my
fingers crossed.
-lisa