major point
Sylvia
of months (I forgot about the exact date, got to make that phonecall) and I
can't get the work done. I wanted to make 2 more paintings for the
exhibition and I only feel exhausted and like I can't do it. I just don't
get up and go to my workroom! And I hate myself because of it! Anything that
has to come out of me, like the
household, cooking or painting is failing. When I have an appointment with
someone I do go. I just can't get things done out of myself!!!
So now I'm thinking of canceling the exhibition. And it feels like giving up
part of me. Like I won't be an artist anymore, but a psychiatric patient.
I'm wondering if this is true. When I don't work professionally
anymore...won't I be an artist anymore? Without the pressure of working I
might paint some now and then!? And like it more? Or won't I do anything
anymore!? Do I need the pressure to get some things done (which I don't)
I JUST HAVE A HELL OF A TIME GIVING UP!!! The work is such an important
part of me!!
Just thought I should write, cause I feel so bad...It feels like I am on a
major point in my life...Anyone has anything to say about it?
Sylvia
duck
"Sylvia" <sb...@worldonline.nl> wrote in message
news:980q4h$krl$1...@nereid.worldonline.nl...
I would suggest if it is way off in the future that you GIVE YOURSELF A
BREAK.
Realize that you are tired, and give yourself a complete working and life
holiday. Say to yourself that you are going to give yourself a two week
total break.
Stock up with food and stuff (you might have to pop out for milk) and just
retire to bed.
Spoil yourself with take-away pizza (if you can afford it) and have lots of
lovely bubble baths. Make yourself a lovely warm hot water bottle every
night and even treat yourself to some chocolate.
While you are being cosseted and cosied you "might" feel the inspiration to
do some work. But if not then don't WORRY about it.
If after say two weeks of PURE relaxation you don't feel "ready" to start
work then don't push it.
Being an artist is "inspiration" (or that's the way I see it), if it comes
to you, it comes to you. It is not something you can "force".
And it is also something you should enjoy, it is wonderful being creative,
if you don't enjoy it or are not enjoying it because of the pressure then
you probably won't produce your best work and also there would be little
point. You might well start to resent your art which would be a real shame
if you are good enough to have an exhibition.
I would say. Decide on a two week holiday. Spoil yourself rotten and say
that after that time you will get down to work OR if you feel an inspiration
come over you during the two weeks, then go for it! But don't force it in
any way.
Why not take a sketch pad to bed? Make a hot chocolate, put some nice music
on, a soft red light bulb, lie back and relax and if you feel you would like
to sketch some ideas then do, if not then relax, go to sleep, dream, and
look forward to another day of relaxation for two whole weeks.
I hope this helps.
Good luck.
Michelle
Sylvia
I think I've been waiting too long already. Those people count on me, and if
I can't make it I should say it in time, so they can find someone else. I'm
very relieved btw, cause I've found a solution. This has been bugging me for
months, and tonight I came to a decision: I will write to them I'm not
feeling well, I will completely honest tell about my situation and how I
would like to get back to them when I'm feeling better and have the work I
think is required! They like my work, so why not!!! Every day of the last
couple of months I've been fighting with the painting-matter and I don't
want to do it any longer, STARTING NOW! I've already looked for their
adress, and tomorrow I'm gonna write the letter...I've talked to my
boyfriend about it, to my mum and writing to this group helped. I'm keeping
the way open to myself! Maybe I can get back to them later, maybe I will
feel better some day, maybe I'll have the required work later!!!
Gotta say I'm zombyfied for 3 years now, since I'm on medication. Thursday
I'm gonna see my shrink again and talk about other medication. I've been on
Risperdal for 3 years now, time to try something new. This inactivity also
is going on for 3 years now! I don't think a break would help cause I've
tried that already!!! I'm afraid the fucking negative symptons are causing
it!!! Plus depression. For 3 years now I only work about once a month for a
little time and that's about it. Not enough to keep it going at this moment
(professionaly). The work I've been exhibiting is from before those 3 years,
I only had one new these last years!!! Gotta accept that and hope things
will get better some day...Mainly because in my head I make the most
wonderful things and these days (years) they don't come out of my hands!!!
I changed my mind fast this evening! I feel peaceful and at ease now! This
has been bugging me for such a long time!!! AND NOT EXHIBITING DOESN'T MEAN
I'M NOT A PAINTER!! That's bullshit. Even if I work once a year I'm a
painter! It's always in the back of my mind and I think I make work that's
worth to be seen!!! And people tell me that, too, and people buy my work!!!
It's just great to be involved in artmaking!!! It's the joy of my life!!!
Won't give up though I'm canceling this exhibition!!!
Duck, thank you for your wonderful advice btw. It sounded VERY GOOD, the way
you described it. Think I'm gonna do that anyway!!!
Love, Sylvia
Sharonnyte
>anymore...won't I be an artist anymore? Without the pressure of working I
might paint some now and then!?
i think it is great you can paint. that is something i always wished i could
do. i think if you are a painter(or artist) now you will always be whether you
work professionally or not.
but don't give up on yourself. it may be real hard now but it could get better.
i tend to be lazy as all get out unless i am under pressure to do something but
then i hate being under the pressure. i have at least gotten a little better at
doing what needs to be done b4 it gets down to a deadline.
Lisa Gardner
>I feel very depressed. I've done artschool, I have an exhibition in a couple
>of months (I forgot about the exact date, got to make that phonecall) and I
>can't get the work done. I wanted to make 2 more paintings for the
>exhibition and I only feel exhausted and like I can't do it. I just don't
>get up and go to my workroom! And I hate myself because of it! Anything that
>has to come out of me, like the
>household, cooking or painting is failing. When I have an appointment with
>someone I do go. I just can't get things done out of myself!!!
>
>So now I'm thinking of canceling the exhibition. And it feels like giving up
>part of me. Like I won't be an artist anymore, but a psychiatric patient.
>I'm wondering if this is true. When I don't work professionally
>anymore...won't I be an artist anymore? Without the pressure of working I
>might paint some now and then!? And like it more? Or won't I do anything
>anymore!? Do I need the pressure to get some things done (which I don't)
[...]
Can you have the exhibition without the two paintings you have yet
to do? Canceling the whole thing would be a bit of a shame it seems
to me...
I envy you knowing how to do this 'art' and 'painting' thing - I am trying
to figure out how to, and what kind of, art I can do for myself these days.
I don't have any training in art and don't have any big talent... but I
feel the need at times, you know? ... but don't know how to fulfill it.
You do, and that is very cool.
Lisa
Sylvia
could
> do. i think if you are a painter(or artist) now you will always be whether
you
> work professionally or not.
I think you are right!!! I think I was struggling with my 'selfimage'. Who
am I. But I won't change just because I cancel this exhibition!!!
> but don't give up on yourself. it may be real hard now but it could get
better.
EXACTLY!!! thank you!!!
> i tend to be lazy as all get out unless i am under pressure to do
something but
> then i hate being under the pressure. i have at least gotten a little
better at
> doing what needs to be done b4 it gets down to a deadline.
>
yeah, I started out months ago...didn't work. I used to be like that: doing
the things that need to be done before it gets down to a deadline...that's a
wonderful way of working!!! Good for you!!
Sylvia
> to do? Canceling the whole thing would be a bit of a shame it seems
> to me...
I feel like I can't look myself in the eye without the new works!!! In the
first place cause the gallery needs the 2 new works, that's about space, and
in the second place cause I've exhibited the 'old work' before and I want to
have something new to show the people...that's just about having a good
exhibition...I've been thinking about what you said, but I don't think it
will be a good exhibition then. Btw, thanks for 'thinking with me'!
>
> I envy you knowing how to do this 'art' and 'painting' thing -
You can get there!!!
I am trying
> to figure out how to, and what kind of, art I can do for myself these
days.
I've always been painting and drawing but at some point I felt I needed
education and the room to work (litteraly a room, time and money), so I went
to artschool and that worked perfect for me. I suggest you just draw or
paint!! Just look what comes out of you and then you can think about
that...You also might want to take lessons? Doesn't have to be at
artschool...maybe there is someone in your neighbourhood, or maybe the city
you live in organises something? Might be a good start?
> I don't have any training in art and don't have any big talent... but I
> feel the need at times, you know?
I understand. JUST DO IT!!! Look for the way for you to do it...with or
without lessons...it's such a great thing!!! If I can help you, let me
know....:-)
.. but don't know how to fulfill it.
> You do, and that is very cool.
Thank you...
>
> Lisa
Good luck!!! Sylvia
>
>
Ed B.
Hi -
I am into music - that is my art. I don't play - however I have been a
professional roadie for awhile. I have worked at concerts with names
like Pearl Jam, Metallica, Sting, Red Hot Chili Peppers, SoundGarden, a
Walt DIsney premier in Central Park - Pocahontas, Collective Soul, many
more.
I am going to school in the Fall. College - to take classes in the
Music Industry major.
The 'work' I do at concerts is by no means performing.
I love to listen and to see others preform.
I strongly encourage anybody who has the 'bug' with music or painting
or - whatever - to follow it.
If it means a temporary set-back, then so be it. I had one in 1997.
Ed
Spiritus
<sb...@worldonline.nl> wrote:
Do the exhibition with the work that you DO have.
Having A show without the 2 paintings is better than having NO show.
I think you have fixated the idea that the show must have the 2
paintings, and lost sight of the fact that the show can happen without
them.
I don't like calling myself an "artist" but just to let you know, I've
been an art director, done many very large shows of many kinds, and I
do know what it is to feel a show MUST be exactly the way I envision
it. I know how it feels. But it IS ALWAYS better to do "something" than
nothing. It's better to do the show however you can manage than to
throw it away because it "might" not be what you picture as perfect.
Also if you try to remember that this show is not EVERYTHING in your
life, and will also very very likely not be your last, it may free you
from investing so much in it emotionally that that very emotional
investment freezes and parylizes you from doing the paintings you want
to do.
When i start thinking (which I often do) that a show is EVERYTHING, and
the work I need to do is so hugely important my whole existence is
worthless failure without it, it's too overwhelming.
I know as artists we are supposed to deeply believe that our work IS
our life. But I think that can be a very terrifying and parylizing
thing. That's why I don't like to call myself "an artist", I'm a
person, who does art. It's just something I do. I think that is a much
more freeing way to see it. You don't need to think of your "work" as
your "life" to be a good artist. You may need to do your work to feel
fulfilled. But the "my life is my work" thing I think is actually an
unhealthy trap that many creative people fall into.
Take care (and as Andy Warhol's ghost once said to me,,,, "Just do it")
Just do the show, even without the 2 paintings...
SP
Sylvia
on the idea of having the perfect show in my eyes. And reading your mail a
thought popped in; why not ask my boyfriend to help me! This painting I'm
working on currently allows that, and the idea of someone painting with me
is very appealing to me right now, like I don't have to do it all alone, it
feels so much lighter...SO, MY BOYFRIEND HAPPENED TO BE FREE FROM WORK THIS
AFTERNOON AND WE HAVE BEEN PAINTING!!! And with this speed we were having I
think I'm gonna finish 1 more extra work! And that must be enough. And I've
also been thinking we will invite only the people the gallery choses, so the
people who come will see all new work! I won't ask 'my own people', cause
they've seen most of it but one painting, the new one...
Gee, I'm all trembling inside, and my stomach hurts a little, I'm all
excited and feel like doing it!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU'VE GOTTA KNOW: I
had the letter to cancel lying ready, I would post it this afternoon!
Instead of doing that I made the phonecall when exactly the exhibition is
and when I will get my contract...Well, it will be in May...
For calling myself an artist or someone 'who does art': I've always had
trouble calling myself an artist cause I think it is such a 'big name' for
just doing the thing you like to do, if you know what I mean. But for the
last years I do tend to call myself an artist, cause it's a profession, I've
been through artschool, I did mean to make money with it, but my illness
doens't seem to let me go that far, and I've always been very serious about
it. For me painting, and 'doing art' has been a way of living so
far...Anyway, people seem to understand a little bit when I say I'm an
artist...I find it handy...So for the outside world the word artist can be
usefull, ME, I consider myself a painter! So most of the time I say: "I'm an
artist, a painter to be exact"
I told you, so far making paintings, art, has been a way of living, and my
illness doens't seem to allow me to work the way I want to, so I have to
adjust the way I'm looking at myself. IF I'M HONEST I hardly paint, IF I'M
HONEST I hardly make art these days! Now it's turned into 'something I
sometimes do'. Art making used to be ALL I was doing...now it's SOMETHING I
do...It makes my art ache, cause it still is my passion! I think I'm in the
proces of letting go a bit...it looks like I'll have to...But you're right,
I do think I'm a person who considers herself an artist, not a person in the
first place...and if it were up to me, I would keep considering myself an
artist...but it's not reality anymore...I do a lot in the social area and I
invest a lot in my friends, and I like emailing, so that has come a
littlebit into the place of painting...so maybe I'm turning into a person
who does art, a person in the first place, with friends and occupations
besides painting. But it's not something I CHOOSE to be, that's how I feel!
If it were up to me I would work day and night and travel the world and meet
all kinds of people through work. That's how I feel it's supposed to be (I
know I have a high aim, but that's what inspired me bigtime). It's that
drive, that passion thing that makes it going. And maybe other passions are
slowly coming in, and maybe I'll transform into a different person from what
I used to be, but I have a hard time letting go. And it's not like I have to
let it all go. I still paint now and then, but it's not the slightest bit of
what it used to be, and that's in quantity that makes things going
professionally...Can't do it anymore...have to accept I sleep most of the
time...I hardly can believe things will get better someday, but I do hope
for it. I've heard people say things get better with age or maybe I'll find
medication that works very well for me...who knows...OR MAYBE that one
painting I do a year will sell very well...haha...
Now I'm all silent again. I'm not trembling anymore, my stomach doesn't hurt
anymore, but I will do the show, as you call it. We'll see what
happens....you never know...this morning I thought I wouldn't have a show in
May, now I do...things change...
As you may have noticed I'm a bit confused about it all...and I think I
contradict myself now and then, but I do think this is an important writing
to me...it shows myself how I look at things and where I'm at...
Thanks so much for listening to me and answering me, it means an awful lot
to me!!!
Sylvia
Btw, Spiritus, I almost forgot...how do you deal with art making and sz? If
I remember well, you are so tired, too?
Love, Sylvia
Sylvia
> professional roadie for awhile. I have worked at concerts with names
> like Pearl Jam, Metallica, Sting, Red Hot Chili Peppers, SoundGarden, a
> Walt DIsney premier in Central Park - Pocahontas, Collective Soul, many
> more.
That's great, Ed!
>
> I am going to school in the Fall. College - to take classes in the
> Music Industry major.
Good for you! You must be looking forward to that!
>
> The 'work' I do at concerts is by no means performing.
>
> I love to listen and to see others preform.
>
> I strongly encourage anybody who has the 'bug' with music or painting
> or - whatever - to follow it.
>
>
> If it means a temporary set-back, then so be it. I had one in 1997.
I hope my set-back is temporary ! :-)
What happened by the way?
Sylvia
Ed B.
I was hospitalised. Suicidal ideation.
There was another fellow I got a job for him, he turned out to be too
rude and boistorous for my likings - he was more dependant on the
income, so I quit. And then began to want to kill myself cause I love my
job and felt it was gone.
Well, he ran himself out of the job and I am back.
There were other things to the hospitalisation. My best friend died, a
counselor for an agency I am involved with, whom I had known as a child
- and whom I was un-healthyly dependant upon, quit. And I was taken to
the cleaners by another fellow for all my money.
Bottom line I became a doormat, and wanted the cowards way out.
I have some respect and self-caring in my life today. I don't lend money
- I don't get ppl jobs, I only I drive my car, and I don't put all my
eggs in one basket.
--------------------
"Don't crap where you sleep." - My friend Mary.
Ed
Spiritus
<sb...@worldonline.nl> wrote:
> Dear Spiritus, somehow you inspired me bigtime.
That's great, I'm very glad.
I do think I've been fixed
> on the idea of having the perfect show in my eyes. And reading your mail a
> thought popped in; why not ask my boyfriend to help me! This painting I'm
> working on currently allows that, and the idea of someone painting with me
> is very appealing to me right now, like I don't have to do it all alone, it
> feels so much lighter...SO, MY BOYFRIEND HAPPENED TO BE FREE FROM WORK THIS
> AFTERNOON AND WE HAVE BEEN PAINTING!!! And with this speed we were having I
> think I'm gonna finish 1 more extra work! And that must be enough. And I've
> also been thinking we will invite only the people the gallery choses, so the
> people who come will see all new work! I won't ask 'my own people', cause
> they've seen most of it but one painting, the new one...
Funny how solutions, and doors open up where you didn't know there was
a door...
> Gee, I'm all trembling inside, and my stomach hurts a little, I'm all
> excited and feel like doing it!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU'VE GOTTA KNOW: I
> had the letter to cancel lying ready, I would post it this afternoon!
> Instead of doing that I made the phonecall when exactly the exhibition is
> and when I will get my contract...Well, it will be in May...
Also funny, (and a bit awsome) how so many things seem to turn on a
dime.
<snip>
> As you may have noticed I'm a bit confused about it all...and I think I
> contradict myself now and then, but I do think this is an important writing
> to me...it shows myself how I look at things and where I'm at...
>
> Thanks so much for listening to me and answering me, it means an awful lot
> to me!!!
It's an honor...
> Sylvia
>
> Btw, Spiritus, I almost forgot...how do you deal with art making and sz? If
> I remember well, you are so tired, too?
>
Well.....
I don't know where to start, but I guess the short story is that I've
been very strongly disabled from doing art for the last 3 years.
I was very active in the art "scene" here, did exhibitions/shows, got
well recievied and reviewed by public and press, knew everyone,
currators, gallery owners, artists, knew the scene and all that means.
Then my SZ flaired up and I dropped completely out and did almost
nothing for several years. When I was in the scene I had about 200
friends, when I dropped out that was reduced to about 3.
One day yer "in" another yer "out", that's the wreckage of SZ
unfortunately....
Then I started working with a director who does very high tech stage
shows which involved, the "sets" were projected and composited from
slides, movie film, video projection, and computer animation. The
director is famous and his shows were very well funded. I became the
art director/visual effects director, and found myself working on
million dollar shows, and giving interviews on tv, and in print. I got
lots of recognition for my work, and I got to work BIG which was
gratifying. That lasted 6 years.
Then.....
My SZ flaired up again, and I had to stop working.
Going from what I was doing (doing big art, being interviewed on tv,
etc) to essentially doing nothing, totally alone, was the biggest
"fall" I've ever taken. It costs us so much,,, SZ does..
So that's been my 3 "idle" years...
The truth is that I've done several things in those years that could be
considered "work" (art-work), but compared to doing a huge million
dollar show, they don't seem like much. I don't know how I'm ever gonna
live that one down.... But I guess I'm getting there.
Like you I'm also working on an "exhibition" of sorts, (it would take
too long to explain exactly what sort, but see it as a metaphore, still
it's about the same thing) It's my "project".
When you posted it reminded me of me because I'm also saying "I just
have to do 2 more paintings" though I think in my case I really do need
to do the "2 more paintings". And of course I've been stressing
terribly that "this" is my last hope, investing everything in it, and
losing "everything" by not finishing it. Anyway it was a revelation for
me to recognise that in someone else. Just that day I'd had this
freeing revelation,,, there's more to my life than this damned project.
I realized that everything did "not" hinge on this project, and somehow
that free'd me to start work on it again for the first time in months.
I realized I'd made it too important, only by making it less important
could I begin to do it again.
SZ just makes every thing hard, shatters so many things. The one thing
I think an artist has others don't is that you/we can pick up our work
and put it down, then pick it up again.
An accountant would just get fired (after/during an SZ attack) and that
would be the end of the job. There isn't an "end" to the "job" of doing
art. It's ongoing, even if it stops for a while.
Sometimes I think I'm never going to get out of the SZ deep-freeze.
I've "just" started working again on my project, and it's still very
slow, but at least i have some hope now, that's new.
3 years ago before this SZ episode hit, I could have cranked the work
out in about a month, and now it's taken 2 years (my project) and it's
still not done. It's hard not to get down on myself about it.
Guess that's just life (for an SZ). Got to remember it's not our fault
when things move slow.
Take care
glad you decided to do the show.
SP
Limbo
do something as opposed to giving in to those negative thoughts & apathy
that it's all a little bit to difficult & beyond me these days rather than
getting caught up in that self defeating, grieving for what once was your
level of achievement & prolific ability. Albeit it's worthwhile to recognize
that it wont be as it once was.
My chronic sz has forced me to re-evaluate who I am & what I am capable of
undertaking successfully & not so successfully.
My previous studies at University are now of no real value professionally,
so I engage my time undertaking small projects that bring me satisfaction &
a sense of purpose for existing.
Limbo
Sylvia
Ed B. <machin...@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:4327-3AA...@storefull-625.iap.bryant.webtv.net...
>
> I was hospitalised. Suicidal ideation.
:-(((
>
> There was another fellow I got a job for him, he turned out to be too
> rude and boistorous for my likings - he was more dependant on the
> income, so I quit. And then began to want to kill myself cause I love my
> job and felt it was gone.
>
> Well, he ran himself out of the job and I am back.
RIGHT ON!!!
>
> There were other things to the hospitalisation. My best friend died, a
> counselor for an agency I am involved with, whom I had known as a child
> - and whom I was un-healthyly dependant upon, quit. And I was taken to
> the cleaners by another fellow for all my money.
>
> Bottom line I became a doormat, and wanted the cowards way out.
Well, I think it was all too much for you...I've tried to kill myself, too,
but I don't consider myself a coward. I was desperate and wanted it all to
stop. For you?
>
> I have some respect and self-caring in my life today. I don't lend money
> - I don't get ppl jobs, I only I drive my car, and I don't put all my
> eggs in one basket.
Sounds good, Ed!!! Sounds like you are doing just fine! CONGRATS!!!
Sylvia
>
>
> --------------------
>
> "Don't crap where you sleep." - My friend Mary.
:-)), that's nice!!!
Spiritus
<obmi...@hotmail.com> wrote:
what we can and can't do is such a hard call to make.
It's hard to think of what I used to do, and now see myself doing
jig-saw puzzles just to kill time, and not feel very bad about it.
But the fact is that just doing the jig-saw puzzle is hard for me to
do. It's important to try to do whatever we can even if it's only a
jig-saw puzzle. It's just hard not to feel humiliated by it.
What I have been doing allot of for months is just sitting and staring
at things, or at nothing, I do it for hours on end, so really just
doing anything is an acomplishment.
Though it is sad that it's come to this, I guess there should always be
hope that things can turn around, or at least turn a little, in time.
sp
Sylvia
> a door...
exactly...it's almost like doing art...
>
>
> > Gee, I'm all trembling inside, and my stomach hurts a little, I'm all
> > excited and feel like doing it!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU'VE GOTTA KNOW:
I
> > had the letter to cancel lying ready, I would post it this afternoon!
> > Instead of doing that I made the phonecall when exactly the exhibition
is
> > and when I will get my contract...Well, it will be in May...
>
> Also funny, (and a bit awsome) how so many things seem to turn on a
> dime.
Don't know what that means...can't find it in the dictionary...
> > Btw, Spiritus, I almost forgot...how do you deal with art making and sz?
If
> > I remember well, you are so tired, too?
> >
>
>
> Well.....
> I don't know where to start, but I guess the short story is that I've
> been very strongly disabled from doing art for the last 3 years.
>
> I was very active in the art "scene" here, did exhibitions/shows, got
> well recievied and reviewed by public and press, knew everyone,
> currators, gallery owners, artists, knew the scene and all that means.
> Then my SZ flaired up
You got psychotic? Your negatives flaired up?
and I dropped completely out and did almost
> nothing for several years. When I was in the scene I had about 200
> friends, when I dropped out that was reduced to about 3.
Glad you have those 3! Seem like real friends to me...
> One day yer "in" another yer "out", that's the wreckage of SZ
> unfortunately....
yeah, and of the way society can work...
>
> Then I started working with a director who does very high tech stage
> shows which involved, the "sets" were projected and composited from
> slides, movie film, video projection, and computer animation. The
> director is famous and his shows were very well funded. I became the
> art director/visual effects director, and found myself working on
> million dollar shows, and giving interviews on tv, and in print. I got
> lots of recognition for my work, and I got to work BIG which was
> gratifying. That lasted 6 years.
What an experience that must have been!
> Then.....
>
> My SZ flaired up again, and I had to stop working.
> Going from what I was doing (doing big art, being interviewed on tv,
> etc) to essentially doing nothing, totally alone, was the biggest
> "fall" I've ever taken.
It hasn't made you bitter it seems? :-)
It costs us so much,,, SZ does..
I totally agree!
>
> So that's been my 3 "idle" years...
> The truth is that I've done several things in those years that could be
> considered "work" (art-work), but compared to doing a huge million
> dollar show, they don't seem like much.
Hey! Art making doesn't rely on how much money it costs...does it to you?
I'm curious about what artwork you have been making those 3 years...Have you
been painting?
I don't know how I'm ever gonna
> live that one down.... But I guess I'm getting there.
You will! Spiritus!
>
> Like you I'm also working on an "exhibition" of sorts, (it would take
> too long to explain exactly what sort, but see it as a metaphore, still
> it's about the same thing) It's my "project".
I really would love you to explain it to me!
>
> When you posted it reminded me of me because I'm also saying "I just
> have to do 2 more paintings" though I think in my case I really do need
> to do the "2 more paintings". And of course I've been stressing
> terribly that "this" is my last hope, investing everything in it, and
> losing "everything" by not finishing it. Anyway it was a revelation for
> me to recognise that in someone else. Just that day I'd had this
> freeing revelation,,, there's more to my life than this damned project.
> I realized that everything did "not" hinge on this project, and somehow
> that free'd me to start work on it again for the first time in months.
> I realized I'd made it too important, only by making it less important
> could I begin to do it again.
I can imagine it's that important to you but you're right, your life doesn't
depend on it!! But's that's just rational me...;-)
>
> SZ just makes every thing hard, shatters so many things. The one thing
> I think an artist has others don't is that you/we can pick up our work
> and put it down, then pick it up again.
You're so right, my shrink told me the same thing last time...
> An accountant would just get fired (after/during an SZ attack) and that
> would be the end of the job. There isn't an "end" to the "job" of doing
> art. It's ongoing, even if it stops for a while.
>
> Sometimes I think I'm never going to get out of the SZ deep-freeze.
> I've "just" started working again on my project, and it's still very
> slow, but at least i have some hope now, that's new.
Yeah, and that's great don't you think. Me myself I also didn't have hope
for a long time, then life becomes very narrow...(if that's the right word,
ahem)
> 3 years ago before this SZ episode hit, I could have cranked the work
> out in about a month, and now it's taken 2 years (my project) and it's
> still not done. It's hard not to get down on myself about it.
I completely understand, I used to be very productive myself. It IS very
frustrating...I may acknowledge that to myself every now and then...and
trying to realize it's not the end of the world etc...
>
> Guess that's just life (for an SZ). Got to remember it's not our fault
> when things move slow.
I'm moving very slow. It's almost like doing nothing...but hey, I'm striving
to get better...maybe some day....:-)
>
> Take care
> glad you decided to do the show.
Thank you Spiritus...btw did you think of the name Spiritus yourself, or did
it excist already?
AND can I send you some pictures of my work so you can tell me what you
think of it?
AND won't you be a member of alt.support.disabled.artists? Would be great to
have you there! (if you aren't in already...)
Love, Sylvia
Sylvia
> at things, or at nothing, I do it for hours on end, so really just
> doing anything is an acomplishment.
Exactly!! Do you manage to do the household yourself for example? I hardly
do....
>
> Though it is sad that it's come to this, I guess there should always be
> hope that things can turn around, or at least turn a little, in time.
Exactly!! Hey, I'm saying 'exactly' all of the time, but I feel just the
same...I will hope for you, too....
Sylvia
Sharonnyte
>at things, or at nothing, I do it for hours on end, so really just
>doing anything is an acomplishment.
i do that too and actually enjoy it.i keep hoping ill get motivated and even
doing day to day chores seems burdonsome.
i wonder if it is a side effect of the current meds . i did not have this
problem until i tried seroquel, zyprexa and now risperdol
i hoping to god and praying that this new med will be better. im older but i am
still not ready for the rocking chair and there is still alot i would like to
acomplish.
Limbo
"Sharonnyte" <sharo...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20010311181128...@ng-ba1.aol.com...
This is just a stab in the dark, but I believe it's a combination of sz
symptomology & meds that really enhances that tiredness & lack of
motivation.
Just imagine that you were stoned & tripping, initially you would have an
abundance of energy & enthusiasm, but eventually the experience would wane
due to one becoming just so accustomed to that realm of consciousness, that
you would start to sit around & get in to your own head without actually
doing much physically.
Then along comes the Pdoc's with their sedating pharmaceuticals just to
further that state of inertia.
This is why I usually only undertake small projects these days, at least I
have a chance of completing them successfully, considering that the amount
of sleep & nap's that are entwined in the process of doing anything of
magnitude.
Limbo
Spiritus
<sb...@worldonline.nl> wrote:
> > Also funny, (and a bit awsome) how so many things seem to turn on a
> > dime.
>
> Don't know what that means...can't find it in the dictionary...
Old American slang, means that things can suddenly change because of
some tiny thing.
> > I was very active in the art "scene" here, did exhibitions/shows, got
> > well recievied and reviewed by public and press, knew everyone,
> > currators, gallery owners, artists, knew the scene and all that means.
> > Then my SZ flaired up
>
> You got psychotic? Your negatives flaired up?
Actually both flaired up Neg and Pos. I have more trouble coping with
Pos symptoms actually. I get them very strongly, and off I go down the
Yellow brick road of delusion and paranoia, which ultimately parylizes
me. There's so much going on that it makes me nearly catatonic.
> and I dropped completely out and did almost
> > nothing for several years. When I was in the scene I had about 200
> > friends, when I dropped out that was reduced to about 3.
>
> Glad you have those 3! Seem like real friends to me...
Well it made me realize that even if you have 200 "friends" the truth
is you really only have very few "real" friends.
I'd rather have even just One real true friend, than 200
aquaintance/friends any day.
> > Then I started working with a director who does very high tech stage
> > shows which involved, the "sets" were projected and composited from
> > slides, movie film, video projection, and computer animation. The
> > director is famous and his shows were very well funded. I became the
> > art director/visual effects director, and found myself working on
> > million dollar shows, and giving interviews on tv, and in print. I got
> > lots of recognition for my work, and I got to work BIG which was
> > gratifying. That lasted 6 years.
>
> What an experience that must have been!
It was maybe the peak time of my life. The funny thing is that much of
the time I was doing it, I thought I was in Hell. The work was very
long and hard and frustrating. But in the end there's nothing like
taking a bow in front of a thousand people and having them all
applauding, or doing work that you "know" thousands of people will see.
The guerantee'd audience is what I miss the most.
> > Then.....
> >
> > My SZ flaired up again, and I had to stop working.
> > Going from what I was doing (doing big art, being interviewed on tv,
> > etc) to essentially doing nothing, totally alone, was the biggest
> > "fall" I've ever taken.
>
> It hasn't made you bitter it seems? :-)
It did actually, but I'm coming to my senses, trying to anyway.
> It costs us so much,,, SZ does..
>
> I totally agree!
> >
> > So that's been my 3 "idle" years...
> > The truth is that I've done several things in those years that could be
> > considered "work" (art-work), but compared to doing a huge million
> > dollar show, they don't seem like much.
>
> Hey! Art making doesn't rely on how much money it costs...does it to you?
> I'm curious about what artwork you have been making those 3 years...Have you
> been painting?
The kind of art I was doing really did depend on how much it cost. See
I was doing multimedia high tech art that required at least 10 people
on head-sets durring shows to run several computers. The production on
the shows was very much like the production on a movie. You know how
expensive movies are, especially ones with special effects. Watching
the shows was sort of like watching a "live movie". It was crazy how
expensive it was. It required a full crew, so for example it cost us
$7000 every time we rehearsed, that was just to pay everyone. The
director didn't care about money, so many times he'd scream for a
special effect and throw a fit about having it. I'd go ahead and spend
$2000 to do it, and he'd never ask to see it again. $2000 just thrown
away.
But i sort of got used to thinking in terms of "my art" which was so
elaborate and technical and cost so much. After I quit doing that for a
while I was really at a loss as to what kind of art I could do, that
didn't cost a couple of hundred thousand to do.
I think over the 3 years I've gotten allot closer to Earth about it.
> I don't know how I'm ever gonna
> > live that one down.... But I guess I'm getting there.
>
> You will! Spiritus!
> >
> > Like you I'm also working on an "exhibition" of sorts, (it would take
> > too long to explain exactly what sort, but see it as a metaphore, still
> > it's about the same thing) It's my "project".
>
> I really would love you to explain it to me!
The show's I worked on were all in 3-D. In the last show I worked on I
had to develope a way to turn flat paintings into 3-D. We projected the
paintings of a famous artist in 3-D and had actors walking around in
them. Characters in the paintings came to life,,, that sort of thing.
So after I stopped working there I was going to do a 3-D instalation in
a gallery of VanGogh paintings. They'd be projected on 4 walls in 3-D
and people could go into the room and seem to be standing in a 360
degree painting in 3-D. Kind of like standing "in" a landscape. But my
SZ symptoms got really bad, and I had several paintings converted into
3-D but just let it drop, even though I had the gallery and a sponsor
set up for the show.
So then I got an offer from the Museaum of Modern art in Boston to do a
book of 3-D conversions of Monets paintings. I did a sample for them,
and then (long story short) they decided not to do it.
So then I had paintings in 3-D by 3 artists, and I thought why not do
more artists, and have a sort of virtual museaum in 3-D. So my
"project" was born. It's a 3-D viewer, that comes with cards, exactly
like the old fashioned 3-D viewers you've probably seen, but more
modern. The cards are paintings of famous artists in 3-D. So now you
can see why I was saying "I just need 2 more paintings" just like you
were. People have urged me to just release the viewer as it is, but
Iv'e stubbornly fixated on how I think it must be before I can start
producing it for sale.
Anyway, I hadn't worked on the 3-D painting conversion for months, and
even the thought of the viewer started to be an Albatross of guilt
around my neck. If someone even asked "how's it going" I'd want to
puke. I tried to forbid any mention of the cursed viewer.
Then one day last week I said to myself "Isn't there more to my life
than this stupid viewer?" And I realized I'd made it so overwhelmingly
important that it was impossible for me to even do it. I realized the
trick is "Not" to think "my life is my art" then I could be free to
actually do it.
> > When you posted it reminded me of me because I'm also saying "I just
> > have to do 2 more paintings" though I think in my case I really do need
> > to do the "2 more paintings". And of course I've been stressing
> > terribly that "this" is my last hope, investing everything in it, and
> > losing "everything" by not finishing it. Anyway it was a revelation for
> > me to recognise that in someone else. Just that day I'd had this
> > freeing revelation,,, there's more to my life than this damned project.
> > I realized that everything did "not" hinge on this project, and somehow
> > that free'd me to start work on it again for the first time in months.
> > I realized I'd made it too important, only by making it less important
> > could I begin to do it again.
>
> I can imagine it's that important to you but you're right, your life doesn't
> depend on it!! But's that's just rational me...;-)
That's good. Being rational can be pretty good sometimes.
> > SZ just makes every thing hard, shatters so many things. The one thing
> > I think an artist has others don't is that you/we can pick up our work
> > and put it down, then pick it up again.
>
> You're so right, my shrink told me the same thing last time...
>
> > An accountant would just get fired (after/during an SZ attack) and that
> > would be the end of the job. There isn't an "end" to the "job" of doing
> > art. It's ongoing, even if it stops for a while.
> >
> > Sometimes I think I'm never going to get out of the SZ deep-freeze.
> > I've "just" started working again on my project, and it's still very
> > slow, but at least i have some hope now, that's new.
>
> Yeah, and that's great don't you think. Me myself I also didn't have hope
> for a long time, then life becomes very narrow...(if that's the right word,
> ahem)
>
> > 3 years ago before this SZ episode hit, I could have cranked the work
> > out in about a month, and now it's taken 2 years (my project) and it's
> > still not done. It's hard not to get down on myself about it.
>
> I completely understand, I used to be very productive myself. It IS very
> frustrating...I may acknowledge that to myself every now and then...and
> trying to realize it's not the end of the world etc...
I've gotta try to remember that just because I'm not as productive as I
was, doesn't mean I should give up completely and not be productive at
all. A little really is better than nothing.
> > Guess that's just life (for an SZ). Got to remember it's not our fault
> > when things move slow.
>
> I'm moving very slow. It's almost like doing nothing...but hey, I'm striving
> to get better...maybe some day....:-)
> >
> > Take care
> > glad you decided to do the show.
>
> Thank you Spiritus...btw did you think of the name Spiritus yourself, or did
> it excist already?
It's Latin for "Spirit". I thought of using it as my name myself, but
if you go to a Catholic Latin Mass you will hear it, so by no means did
I make up the word.
If you read my whole email adress (which isn't a real address by the
way) it's Spiritus Sanctus, which means Holy Spirit in Latin.
I'm by no means trying to say "I'm" the Holy Spirit, it's just that the
Holy Spirit is the part of God I love the best, so it's supposed to be
kind of a tribute to the Holy Spirit.
> AND can I send you some pictures of my work so you can tell me what you
> think of it?
Sure, though I don't like to post my email address in groups. Guess we
could work it out somehow.
> AND won't you be a member of alt.support.disabled.artists? Would be great to
> have you there! (if you aren't in already...)
Iv'e never been there. I'll check it out.
Take care
sp
Sharonnyte
>than this stupid viewer?" And I realized I'd made it so overwhelmingly
>important that it was impossible for me to even do it. I realized the
>trick is "Not" to think "my life is my art" then I could be free to
>actually do it.
you have been so accomplised. that is wonderful. if you are that talented i
think you will create art in some forum even if it is not big projects.
maybe (just speculating) this slowed up time for you is preparing you for a
different avenue to express your art.
i write poetry(alot more off meds) i am by no means brilliant at it but at
least i consider myself a beginner. i have had long periods of time when i just
did not feel like writing and them there comes time when i cant stop writing.
and that just me - i am not an accomplished artist. i work a blue collar job.
Bruid
Hi Spiritus,
Haven't seen Michelle online for a week and her e-mail gets bounced back
as undeliverable. Is she Ok ?
Spore
--
Nothing is more important than nothing...
Samuel Beckett
Sylvia
>
> Actually both flaired up Neg and Pos. I have more trouble coping with
> Pos symptoms actually. I get them very strongly, and off I go down the
> Yellow brick road of delusion and paranoia, which ultimately parylizes
> me. There's so much going on that it makes me nearly catatonic.
I'm sorry to hear that!! :-(
>
> > > Then I started working with a director who does very high tech stage
> > > shows which involved, the "sets" were projected and composited from
> > > slides, movie film, video projection, and computer animation. The
> > > director is famous and his shows were very well funded. I became the
> > > art director/visual effects director, and found myself working on
> > > million dollar shows, and giving interviews on tv, and in print. I got
> > > lots of recognition for my work, and I got to work BIG which was
> > > gratifying. That lasted 6 years.
> >
> > What an experience that must have been!
>
> It was maybe the peak time of my life. The funny thing is that much of
> the time I was doing it, I thought I was in Hell. The work was very
> long and hard and frustrating. But in the end there's nothing like
> taking a bow in front of a thousand people and having them all
> applauding, or doing work that you "know" thousands of people will see.
> The guerantee'd audience is what I miss the most.
Can't relate to that, I have only a small (fine) audience. But I read it
from 'starpeople', loving their audience also that much...
>
>
> > > Then.....
> > >
> > > My SZ flaired up again, and I had to stop working.
> > > Going from what I was doing (doing big art, being interviewed on tv,
> > > etc) to essentially doing nothing, totally alone, was the biggest
> > > "fall" I've ever taken.
> >
> > It hasn't made you bitter it seems? :-)
>
> It did actually, but I'm coming to my senses, trying to anyway.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!
> > > Like you I'm also working on an "exhibition" of sorts, (it would take
> > > too long to explain exactly what sort, but see it as a metaphore,
still
> > > it's about the same thing) It's my "project".
> >
> > I really would love you to explain it to me!
>
> The show's I worked on were all in 3-D.
<snip>
> Then one day last week I said to myself "Isn't there more to my life
> than this stupid viewer?" And I realized I'd made it so overwhelmingly
> important that it was impossible for me to even do it. I realized the
> trick is "Not" to think "my life is my art" then I could be free to
> actually do it.
The viewer seems like a great idea to me!!! And how I would have liked to
see those 3D Van Gogh's paintings all around you!!! I think those are
wonderful ideas, and I can understand why you are so excited about them!!!
But I can also understand how as a sz such a project can become a stone
around your neck...Well, Spiritus, I hope this project will come out one
day, but if not, it's not a diseaster, if I say this right...Maybe it works
for you like it works for me to take one step at the time? To make it 'very
small'!?
>
> > > When you posted it reminded me of me because I'm also saying "I just
> > > have to do 2 more paintings" though I think in my case I really do
need
> > > to do the "2 more paintings". And of course I've been stressing
> > > terribly that "this" is my last hope, investing everything in it, and
> > > losing "everything" by not finishing it. Anyway it was a revelation
for
> > > me to recognise that in someone else. Just that day I'd had this
> > > freeing revelation,,, there's more to my life than this damned
project.
> > > I realized that everything did "not" hinge on this project, and
somehow
> > > that free'd me to start work on it again for the first time in months.
> > > I realized I'd made it too important, only by making it less important
> > > could I begin to do it again.
> >
> > I can imagine it's that important to you but you're right, your life
doesn't
> > depend on it!! But's that's just rational me...;-)
>
> That's good. Being rational can be pretty good sometimes.
Yeah, rationally I know what right most of the time, it's just the fucking
feelings that won't let go...It is all the things you want so bad in your
head and you can't get them out of your hands....GREAT NEWS btw, I've been
painting for about a week now....ALONE...my compu broke down and I started
painting!!! So I don't want to mail as much anymore, and paint more....or
find a good balance if that is possible!!! I don't know if it's just the
computer that broke down, or the fish oil I've been taking recently, or
something else, but I do seem to feel better!!! HALLELUJAH
>
> > > Sometimes I think I'm never going to get out of the SZ deep-freeze.
> > > I've "just" started working again on my project, and it's still very
> > > slow, but at least i have some hope now, that's new.
Exactly!!! Way to glow, Spiritus!!! Hope is so important!!!
> > > 3 years ago before this SZ episode hit, I could have cranked the work
> > > out in about a month, and now it's taken 2 years (my project) and it's
> > > still not done. It's hard not to get down on myself about it.
> >
> > I completely understand, I used to be very productive myself. It IS very
> > frustrating...I may acknowledge that to myself every now and then...and
> > trying to realize it's not the end of the world etc...
>
> I've gotta try to remember that just because I'm not as productive as I
> was, doesn't mean I should give up completely and not be productive at
> all. A little really is better than nothing.
You are so right....and the work remains very alive in your head, at least
with me it did...so you can work on it in your head, too. Cause your
intellect doesn't fail you...:-))
>
> > > Take care
> > > glad you decided to do the show.
Thanks to you, Spiritus!!! :-)))
> >
> > Thank you Spiritus...btw did you think of the name Spiritus yourself, or
did
> > it excist already?
>
> It's Latin for "Spirit". I thought of using it as my name myself, but
> if you go to a Catholic Latin Mass you will hear it, so by no means did
> I make up the word.
> If you read my whole email adress (which isn't a real address by the
> way) it's Spiritus Sanctus, which means Holy Spirit in Latin.
>
> I'm by no means trying to say "I'm" the Holy Spirit, it's just that the
> Holy Spirit is the part of God I love the best, so it's supposed to be
> kind of a tribute to the Holy Spirit.
It's a beautiful name!!! I've been looking for a nice nick myself but I
can't seem to find one...Now 'Niki''has been on my mind, and 'Nana', but
they don't seem to do the 'trick' either...haha...
>
>
> > AND can I send you some pictures of my work so you can tell me what you
> > think of it?
>
> Sure, though I don't like to post my email address in groups. Guess we
> could work it out somehow.
ALL MY PICTURES I HAD IN MY COMPUTER ARE GONE!!! You know, my compu broke
down...so can't send you pictures right now....:-(
love, Sylvia