Girlfriend wants to see other guys
Matt
great friends, fell in love, met in person a couple months later, and have
been in an incredible relationship since. She lives 4 hours away, not very
far, but far enough.. and we have been meeting in person at least once a
month since. We are very serious about our committment, and have made plans
to move in together in the fall.
Something happened this weekend, however, that has thrown everything apart.
To begin, she's still talking to other guys online whom she's met through
her personal ad, which she still has kept online, even after meeting me. I
am very uncomfortable with this, and have asked her to take it down, but she
refuses, without discussion, because she says that her intent with the
personal ad was never to develop a relationship, but just to make friends
and to help people with their problems, something she loves to do. The fact
that she met me through the ad was completely incidental, and her original
intent of meeting more friends and being a support for people. Therefore,
she says, why should she remove the ad after meeting me, because meeting me
was not a direct answer to the intent of her ad. I actually do trust her
intentions here, because she had a very rough childhood and i know that she
seeks to help others with a similar background. However, it still makes me
uncomfortable.
This discussion has occured a few times over the last months, and the ad
remains. But what happened this weekend really angered me. She told me
that she was meeting one of these guys that had found her personal ad, in
person. They were going for coffee to discuss things. (They had similar
childhood experiences, and she wanted to offer her support and encouragement
about all of that). She says that they were both clear on the intent of
meeting, the guy knew she had a boyfriend, and they both understood the
meeting was just friendly. And she was truthful enough to tell me about
this in advance. However, when I asked her on Monday how it went, she told
me that after coffee, they went for a nice walk together along the water,
and then went to see a movie after. Now, she says that he is just a
friend, and, believe it or not, I do have complete trust in her that she
would not have allowed anything beyond friendship to occur, but I have a
huge problem with picturing her going for nice walks along the beach with
some other guy. I have a history of excessive jealousy, and I believe that
has a lot to do with it, but I don't believe that's entirely the problem
here. I asked my brother and his girlfriend if this would be acceptable
behaviour in their relationship, and they both said absolutely not... my
brother would never even consider going out for a walk and a movie with
another girl, and likewise with his girlfriend, they take it for granted
that this is just inappropriate when in a serious relationship, regardless
of the level of trust.
So we're in a very serious dillemma now. We've always been able to solve
our problems in the past through incredible communication and compromise.
But we're stuck on this one, because there seems to be no compromise. After
much argument, she finally removed the personal ad, and also told me that
she won't see any other guys besides me, but that she was extremely upset
and felt that I was taking away her freedom and her social life. I wanted
her to make those decisions because she felt it was the right thing to do,
not because she felt pressured by me to do so. So here's where we're stuck.
If the ad stays down and she doesn't go out with other guys, I get to sleep
peacefully at night, but she's going to feel like I'm robbing her of her
freedom, she'll be miserable, and the relationship cannot survive under
those circumstances. Conversely, if I lower my personal boundaries of what
I consider "crossing the line" and allow her to go out with other guys,
then she'll be happy with her freedom once again, but I'll be furious when
this happens again (and it certainly will).
Is there a compromise in this situation? Because I'm becoming very
frustrated with not being able to find a solution in which one of us won't
remain upset. Am I being over-jealous? Or is it inappropriate for her to go
on what I would consider a "date" with another guy when we're in a serious
relationship, even if the intentions are just friendship? Is it appropriate
for her to have a personal ad up on the interet with the intention of
meeting other guys, even if her intentions are for friendship and support
alone?
Matt
ROBERT HAMILTON
Matt wrote:
Hi Matt
I read your letter very carefully, and would make just three
statements and one advise to you. According to your own words this girl have
some kind of feeling for you but need to see other guys to fulfill some kind
need one would believe that her self-esteem is very low and maybe she is faced
with some complex issues. You have to consider that any thing that makes you
uncomfortable and gave you sleepless night is not good for your soul.. If this
girl loves and cares for you she will be concern about her self respect and
yours and would refrain from going out and doing inter mate things like walking
by the water and going to movies with other guys, or may be you are not finding
the time to be with her. This woman needs love and understanding from you gave
that to her find time to be with her crowd her and every thing will be fine.
Good luck .
Let me know,
J
Nuri
Tricky situation you've got there. After being in a long distance
relationship (we're on opposite sides of the USA) for two years, I've
come to realize that even though my girl and I are as close as
soulmates, I cannot be her only friend.
Whenever a friend would visit her for a while, I'd be jelous. There
was even a time when I was jelous of the people she works with, who
get to see her 4 nights a week.
It took time - and reassurance from her - to realize that having lots
of friends is a good thing. We love each other very much, and
nothing's going to come between us. I'm glad she's found a group of
friends she can hang out with when I'm not there.
However, our situations differ a bit. All she's ever done is work
with these people, she's never dated them. So I can understand why
you're feeling hurt. I'd probably be hurt too.
In my mind, coffee, a movie, and a walk along the water is a date. A
good comprimise would be for you to let her meet these people, but not
have it be a date. As long as they had coffee and didn't do anything
else, it should be fine.
It's not a matter of trust, it sounds like you both trust each other.
But there are certain things you should only do with your loved one
when you're in a serious relationship.
Good luck, and best wishes.
-- Nuri
xaw
"Nuri" <Nurik...@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:370c84e7.01062...@posting.google.com...
> Tricky situation you've got there. After being in a long distance
> relationship (we're on opposite sides of the USA) for two years, I've
married. Another thing, we met IRL and not on internet.
> It's not a matter of trust, it sounds like you both trust each other.
> But there are certain things you should only do with your loved one
> when you're in a serious relationship.
That's true, I also believe that there is a limit to what you can do with
a friend. My wife, when living far away from me was dated by other guys,
and because of the distance there is nothing I really could have done.
I believe that one time I was quite close losing here. She was dated by
a guy (soldier or something like that). And since she lived in another
country, and that she was nervous about leaving her country, she probably
considered seriously breakig up with me. Of course it was difficult for me.
The thing is that whatever happens, you have no control over it, and I
believe that maybe you shouldn't even try to push her in either direction.
If she decides to date another, there is hardly anything you can change
about that, and maybe it would be the sign that she is not the one you
expected her to be. Well that is the scenario of the worst case. I hope
that it will work fine for both of you.
All the Best
Jan
lcreasy
I've dated this type of woman so many times and in so many guises that your
story started making me twitch. "J" hit the nail on the head here -- she
has self-esteem problems. She's seeking validation of herself in others.
Quite often, as in this case, it can lead to an "infatuation junkie" who
gets a real high on that whole "getting to know you" situation, but grows
restless quickly when stability sets in. (To them, stability=ennui=death.)
Once stability sets in, she no longer values your interest in her as much.
You aren't some charismatic man of the world who chose her amongst all the
others any longer. Now, you're in love, and in her subconcious mind that's
a weakness keeping you with her. No more free will, take-it-or-leave-it
mentality to validate her self-worth. So, this way, she can have her cake
and eat it too. By going out on harmless dates (friends or not, walking
along the beach is a dating scenario here) she can get that "first date"
jittery feeling while maintaining a long term relationship. The problem
with this is that, eventually, she'll cheat. She's not evil, she's not
manipulative. She's human, and she's putting herself repeatedly in a
situation where she'll eventually find herself in a weak moment (like the
night one of these "friends" needs her "support" and it's right after the
two of you had a little fight). Next thing you know, she comes back with
"it just happened."
That's not far off, actually. As I said, it's not her fault entirely, as
she is probably not completely aware of the issues she has (who amongst is
truly is, eh?). She probably believes wholeheartedly that her online
profile should stay for altruistic reasons. But, in reality, she's deluding
herself so she can keep a "back door" open. Think about it. This whole
situation keeps her in complete control of the relationship and how far it
goes. It insures that things go her way because if they don't, then you're
a controlling, obsessive boyfriend who wants to own her like property. Most
of all, it is a serious defense mechanism against getting hurt. She's
protecting her heart so well, she's actually keeping true love out without
even realizing it.
Most importantly, there's no balance here. There's no free giving, just
taking. Almost all of my past relationships have involved women who had
lots of guy friends and few girl friends. Except for a couple early on in
my life (I learned to avoid those sorts of people very quickly) these women
never betrayed that trust because they made it very clear, of their own
volition, that these were friends and nothing more. They did a thousand
things without any prompting to remind me of their love. These "support
friends" don't sound anything like that, and she doesn't seem to be doing
anything (from what you've told us here at least) to show you that you're
the man she loves.
All I can see is that you've vocalized a situation that makes you
uncomfortable, and she gets angry and defensive -- unwilling to discuss the
situation calmly and empathize with how it hurts you. Granted, you need to
try to see how much this online support means to her as well, but from what
I can tell this is a big fraud. This obviously isn't some online chat room
for depression or something. This has online profiles. Has she ever done
this sort of support thing for any women since you've been with her? Do the
support sessions involve the same walks on the beach? Bottom line -- she
met you through this "support group" and you're in a relationship with her.
That means she uses it, at least in part, for meeting members of the
opposite sex with the possibility of dating. What "angle" does her online
profile take? Is it kind and generous, with tones of support and
understanding? Or is it a short bio of herself, her likes/dislikes, what
she's looking for, etc.?
So, what do you do? Ironically, you're the closest to her and this
situation, which now makes you the worst possible person to confront her
about any of this. This is the tricky part of the whole thing. If anything
I have said here seems true (and it may all be worthless babble for all I
know; I can only go by my own life experiences), you need to find some way
to have an unbaised third party mediate the whole thing. No friends, no
family, no one that could be easily seen as "taking sides." She'll think
you've been warming them to your cause behind her back. Tell her you're
willing to discuss any possible feelings of misplaced jealousy that could be
affecting your judgment (that should be a true statement, by the way, as it
could very well be a possibility for all I know) and suggest one or two
sessions with a counselor.
If this doesn't work, and you feel you've exhausted any and EVERY other
solution available to you, you may have accept the fact that she is seeking
something in others she can only find inside herself. Let her know,
sympathetically, lovingly, calmly, that you do not feel this situation is
conducive to a healthy relationship. Do not force her to change and be
happy about it. Simply state, with loving care and gentle compassion, that
you do not feel comfortable trying to control her life and would rather she
had made these decisions of her own volition. Be prepared to walk away from
it all and let her go if you do this, for that is probably what will happen.
All I can say is that I'm quite certain, given this no-win situation, that
you are saving yourself from even worse pain that would have undoubtedly
come sooner or later. I'm certainly NOT telling you to do any of this, you
realize. As I mentioned earlier, I could be a raving lunatic, and I'm
certainly not a doctor of psychology (well, not yet anyway). I'm just
offering my two cents, and you should probably know it's coming after two
consecutive nights without sleep. In the end, follow your own heart and the
guidance of those closest to you. I wish you all the best.
- Alan
salover
Well I do not thinkg it is appropriate to 'date' other potential partners if
you are in
a serious relationship. Still it remains difficult in a LDR.
Can you tell your LD-partner not to go to any movie etc...?
Still, if you are living near to each other I would not see why one would go
out with someone else.
Also, actions that would enhance intimacy with someone else while
obstructing the intimacy in
the longterm relationship seem inappropriate.
Having an ad up on the internet solliciting potential new partners seems
incompatible with a
serious longterm relationship, even if LDR
xaw <xaw_...@mail.com> schreef in berichtnieuws
9gs8pf$k0j$1...@reader1.fr.uu.net...
Nich
differently, but maybe you're right, and your feelings are just due to your
being over-jealous of her..?
The intent of her personal ad should be clear to you by now. Did you first
converse w/ her because you wanted a relationship, or was it as she said,
because she wanted to help you, and you accepted her offer?
If this really *is* her way of meeting new friends, an new people, then how
can you say that no, she isn't allowed to make more friends? If she went
out in real life and met new people, either through friends of friends, or
through an agency or counselling service, or some other venue, would you
still be jealous that she tries to help people out? If you'd been referred
to her, say, at some ocunselling service, would you, after talking to her,
and eventually becoming friends, then more, expect her to remove herself
from that position, so she couldn't help anyone else?
When she went to meet the guy on the weekend, to talk about their shared
experiances, she said she explained it was a striclty platonic meeting, they
were meeting as friends, w/ no expectations of anything more.
So she went for coffee, and a walk, and then to see a movie. Maybe they
actually liked each other's company, and decided they'd make good friends?
It may be a 'date', but so what? If you go on a lunch-date w/ your
colleagues from work, should she be worried? A date is simply that, people
getting together to do something. When I go into the city to meet my own
friends, we usually go and grab coffee somewhere, and we usually walk
around, and sometimes even catch a movie. Does that mean my own girlfriend
should be worried..? No, because it's considered something that friends do,
or at least to me and my groups of friends. Mind you, maybe this is a
cultural thing, me being in Australia and all.
You can make almost any situation romantic by virtue of perspective, it can
be considered romantic by a jealous partner, if I went w/ a friend a walked
through the main malls in the city, in the late Autumnal weather, w/ gey
sky, and maple leaves blowing in the wind. But it doesn't mean we thought
of it that way. I recently did meet up w/ a friend like this in teh city,
after University finished for the afternoon, and we met up, walked around
for a bit, sat and talked, making fools of ourselves, and then went shopping
for free candy in some of the shops in the adjoining arcades. I'm sure to
someone observing us, it may've looked like more than just two friends
having fun being idiots, making stupid noises and nudging each other
suggestively. But they were our in-jokes, and we knew it was nothing
romantically inclined at all.
If I lived closer to the ocean , or a decent sized lake, I'm sure I'd walk
along there w/ friends as well, because..well..what's wrong w/ walking
somewhere pleasing to the eye, whether it be water, or gardens..?
What you need to think about, is waht would you do if the situation occurred
w/ her and someone of teh same sex as she. Would you be getting jealous if
she went for walks, and had coffee, and went to see a movie, w/ another
female? I somehow dount it, because you wouldn't feel like your
relationship was being threatened, and hence little or no jealousy. But
considering most people have some level of bi sexuality or curiosity at
least (even if most people do manage to hide or repress it), is it any
different? Would you feel any different if she went out w/ a male friend
from her work, and just made a day of it, to catch up?
You say you trust her completely, so either actually do it, or admit that
no, you don't trust her, or you wouldn't have jealousy to deal w/. If you
really trust her, then you wouldn't worry about her doing anything, as you
said. And you also wouldn't worry about her getting into situations she
couldn't deal w/, she seems to have smarts enough from her upbringing and
life so far, to stay out of trouble.
The fact that it makes you uneasy, may well be apart of your upbringing, or
where you were raised, and the values of that family/community. The fact
your brother and his girlfriend say they wouldn't accept any of that is
their own relationship boundary they've set. They may consider it
inappropriate to go out for a walk, or a movie, w/ someone of the opporsite
sex, but you need to look at why they think that. Are they saying it'd be
like that only in a situation like your own, o are they saying they either
don't have friends of the opporsite sex, or when they go out w/ them, their
partner is always around? Maybe that's because they live so close together,
that they can go out together so often w/ their different groups of friends?
Because you can't be w/ your girlfriend all the time, y ou have to accept
that each of you has their own group of friends, and that you have to let
each other go out and do things w/ them, both as a group, and individually.
If she went out w/ a group of mixed sex friends, both male and female, I'm
sure you wouldn't assume there's going to be an orgy involved, or something
else equally unlikely? Yet you seem to think that, as the numbers decresed
in the group, until there were only two people left, something happening is
more likely..?
Basically, you need to work out how much you really trust her, and work out
together the boundaries for your elationship together, and what you each
think is reasonable. Sort out why exactly it is you get so easily jealous.
Someone else mentioned all of this may be due to her low self esteem, but
maybe it's yours? Why else do you worry that someone who professes to love
you, and who you say you can trust completely, would let something happen to
spoil what you have? Do you think she's good enough for you? And
conversely, do you think you're good enough for her? If yes on both counts,
then there shouldn't be anything to worry about. If you both say you love
each other, and mean it, then you have to realsie that part of being in
love, and loving someone, is that you have to consider what's best for them
as well, not just yourself. You already know that you can't make her give
up what she's doing, limiting her personal freedom, that she has to want to
give it up, because she sees what it means to you, and how it hurts you.
But you also have to see how it'll effect her, that maybe this is how she
is, and how you need to accept her as being?
If you requite a compromise for your own piece of mind, maybe you should
make her re-write her personal ad, so that it's more acceptable to you?
Does it specify only males, or she let's male and female know they can
contact her? She may be more comfortable talking to the opporsite sex more
than to females, and if so, you'll have to respect that, while mentioning
that females may also need someone to talk to, to help them. but in the
end, it's her decision, just as it's your decision as to who you see as
friends, when you go out. You've got no idea how much she's flirting, unles
she honestly tells you, but then again, how much do you flirt w/ your
friends?
It's entirely possible that I'm wrong, and only playing devil's advocate
here, or maybe I'm at least partly right, but I'd say your over-jealousy is
deffinitely a large part of the problem. And as for how appropriate it is
to see other people..? Well, you both need to discuss your boundaries, and
waht you each think constitutes a 'romantic date', and a casual date that
you'd have w/ any normal friend when you get together.
And consider carefully..would you find it any less unreasonable if the same
thing happened, except she went and met a female friend, not a male? Is it
possibly a social conditioning, that boys and girls just don't mix, and
can't, platonically, that something always has to happen? And is ther
eanything wrong w/ going out w/ friends and doing things you enjoy, and
having a good time?
__________
* Todays news brought to you courtesy of cheap toilet paper
* (C) 2000, You poop?
Brent
hit the nail on the head concerning it because that was my fiance' to a T if
I decided to psycho-analyze her at all.....Word of warning--if you think
personals are bad, try ICQ! That's how I lost her.
Brent
"Nich" <nicholas_kl@(nobloodyspamplease)hotkey.net.au> wrote in message
news:3b34...@news.iprimus.com.au...
lcreasy
bt...@home.com wrote on 6/24/01 6:33 PM:
> Well, I just lost my fiance' to the same type of problem. And Alan about
> hit the nail on the head concerning it because that was my fiance' to a T if
> I decided to psycho-analyze her at all.....Word of warning--if you think
> personals are bad, try ICQ! That's how I lost her.
>
> Brent
I think the reason I'm one of those rare men that freely admits when he's
wrong (and that's quite often) is because I've come to dread being right.
Whenever I'm right, it's painful and gives me a horrid outlook on life. I'm
sorry I was so accurate about your ex-fiance, Brent. I wish I could say I
was psychic, but I'm afraid I've had more than my fair share of experience
with these behavior patterns in some of the women I've dated. I've
developed a good ability to see it. I can't seem to AVOID it, mind you, but
once I'm caught in it, I can spot it dead-on...
...and it's at those exact moments that I realize I'm right and how
miserable it is...
Bebert Q
>personals are bad, try ICQ! That's how I lost her.
>
>Brent
Hi Brent,
I'm sorry to hear that.
I'm interested in a girl that lives about 1.5 hour-drive from my
place. What is scaring me is that she's a CHAT addict. She is always
on The Palace, and talking to many people on ICQ at the same time.
I don't think it would be healthy for me to get into this
relationship. She is lonely and always feels the need to talk to
people and chat. Well, that's how I feel.
Anyways...
Bebert
*Silvia*
Just a quick note....
I don't think chats and ICQ should be demonized... they are
threatening to a relationship as much as going shopping could be....
It all depends on the attitude of who's chatting...
If I'm in love with someone when I talk to people (in person or
through the Internet) I just talk to them and I'm not looking for
someone else to fall in love with.
I understand it can happen, but I think it's a former problem of the
relationship that' coming out; Chat or ICQ are only the *channel*
through witch it happens.
Hope I managed to explain myself.... my English is not in its best
shape... ;-)
Silvia
Sarya Ingram
I think its a matter of trust and i speak quite a lot to many folks online
and my partner understands he alone fills the role of my better half and im
not looking for anyone to replace him ..
Although i do think placing personal ads in a "looking for love section"
when you are involved with someone is wrong too and shows that maybe the
situation is a "grass is greener over there sorta thing" like this girl was
still sorta looking if so she should have been honest with him .
I was once the victim of a long distance relationship where the person was
a big liar and i ended up being crushed and then after that i wasn't
looking anymore , then i met Joe and its been 3 years ..i trust him
completely and he me no matter how many folks i talk to , yet everyone knows
im very much in love as well :) .
blessings,
Sarya
"*Silvia*" <si...@libero.it> wrote in message
news:3b39ac68...@news.libero.it...
GothMuppet
and wistfully remarked:
>I don't think chats and ICQ should be demonized...
I'd agree with that - I'm in a very serious relationship with a guy
who works in Europe and I'm in the UK. We chat every night on ICQ,
sometimes only for 10-15 minutes but that's enough to keep our
relationship going.
The problem isn't with chatrooms and ICQ, it's the people who use
them!
sin
"History is a bag of tricks we play upon the dead" (Voltaire)
treesag...@gmail.com
Ran across this & as the post was 2001? I was beyond curious to know how things are after some seventeen years after? Did you end up w her? Years later run into and thank the lucky stars you decided to move on? Married now with the new wife, children, but forever think of her? Maybe you have forgotten all about this post, her, the time you could have spent on someone else might be too negative to remember? And if so, please forgive my request to follow up...
Just seems like something that may be fright in an example of cautionary tales, or a romantic story now years in the making... Or quite possibly, I should start concentrating on why I'm interested in a strangers story, and not off making my own...
Still intriguing if you care to update... Thanks!