new here and need an ear
happymonkey
feelings and junk were brought up at my dbt group today (I am also a
former self injurer) and I just am having trouble dealing with it and
in real life I do not talk to anyone about stuff anymore no matter
what.
It started off as we were talking about deep breathing and whatnot,
and I said I couldn't do the things involving counting your breath,
because if I start to count I get really obsessive. (We went on to
talking about other stuff like when I was at the hospital in
restraints for two weeks straight for repeatedly setting off the fire
alarms and self injuring and other stuff...but i digress.) Anyway,
what started bothering me most, I guess, is that I feel like I can't
get treatment. There is a support group in my area once a month, but
it is at a time I cannot attend because of other commitments. I have a
CTT team as my treatment providers. This was forced on me at my last
(16 month!) hospitalization because of being in the hospital so much,
repeated ODs, self-injuring to the point of having to see repeated
plastic surgeons, etc. Anyway, this CTT team thing is supposed to be
extra support so that people who normally go in and out of hospitals
frequently can stay out. I even had to live in a staffed building.
(And I NEVER talked to the staff about ANYTHING). But the thing with
this CTT team, is I go to a dbt group once a week, but I am out of
therapy. I am on some antidepressants and prozac for my ocd from the
doc who i do see every 6-8 weeks. And I have to take my meds as
prescribed because of where I live tho I am trying to move to my own
place, but I would still take them right i think. But I don't know how
to get better - or even REAL treatment.
Anyway, my mother had/has (?) trichotilomania, which I have known
about since I was 16. I was diagnosed at 16 with PTSD following some
events (that's as much as I want to say about that!), then Borderline
Personality Disorder when I was 20ish and first hospitalized. My OCD
diagnosis first came when i was 21 or so but I kept it secret because
I didn't want anyone to associate me with my mother (we don't get
along, weren't even speaking for 10 years and when I was 17 i refused
to live in the same house as her anymore), but it caught up to me more
recently (maybe 3 months ago). I used to count everything (steps, cars
going by, ceiling tiles, words on the page in a book, bites of food),
and am quite clean (take multiple showers a day, and god how much soap
I use on my hands after i feed my pet fish). I used to have huge food
contamination fears. But recently it has been picking at my scalp and
face, rubbing my fingers together constantly, and biting or something
my tongue. I guess at least parts of my old self injury were kinda OCD
too. But the thing is, my only treatment for this is the prozac ,which
the doc isn't even raising enough for me at least for now. I get no
talk therapy, and can't find any groups that I can actually attend.
Because I am in this CTT thing, I can't do a lot of the local
treatment programs. I don't know what to do. I just want it to stop, I
don't want to have things go like they did for my mother, but I'm
afraid to admit to anyone that I'm not totally fine because I am so
traumatized by everything I have been through in treatment becuase of
stuff I have done. I use to find so much comfort in my OCDisms (that's
all I can think to call it), but now it's more frustration,
embarassment, pain? I just don't know what to do about this all. Any
ideas, or support, or encouragement, or anything??? (I really don't
know what I'm looking for here)
-happymonkey (sorry I know that sounds stupid, but i have a stuffed
monkey i sleep with, and it was all i could think of)
A B
good round here, by the way. Wonder where "Edgar Frog" disappeared to?)
I'm sorry to hear your OCD is giving you so much trouble. Stinks, doesn't
it? I'm having a pretty sticky time of it myself, so I know exactly what
you're up against. You post any time, if it helps. I don't use the
Internet every day, but I'll try and get back to you any time I do see your
postings. If you want to speak to more people, it might be worth
cross-posting to uk.people.support.mental-health. That is, address your
postings to "alt.support.ocd, uk.people.support.mental-health". There seem
to be several regular (civilised) users there.
I think if your OCD is bad at the moment, you really do need more than
Prozac and therapy in a group once a week. In England, you'd be legally
entitled to one-to-one CBT, at least for a while. Why on Earth aren't you
allowed to use local therapy groups? You can get CBT self-help books for
OCD. Better than nothing. Some people find them very useful. There's a
list of good ones at
http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/support-info/resources/books/
I might be able to say more if I knew a bit more about your situation. Is
"DBT" Dialectical Behaviour Therapy? And what is a "CTT team"? Also,
whereabouts are you? Mental health services vary a lot from country to
country. I'm in England myself - Lancashire.
--
Best wishes,
A. B.
My e-mail address is zen177395 at zendotcodotuk.
I don't check that account very often, so tell me on the newsgroup if you've
sent me an e-mail.
Dave
"happymonkey" <lbr...@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:47fd8aa2-efbd-42eb...@k22g2000yqh.googlegroups.com...
Hey Happy Monkey,
I have to apologize for not posting any of this earlier, like when you first
posted, but I really didn't know what to say. Sounded like you had a very
full pot of stew, and were trying to stir slowly so none of it spilled (an
analogy from a former therapist I had.)
Hope you are doing okay, and hanging in there. *Please* don't hesitate to
post again any time you need an ear. Believe it or not, I understand that
feeling, and we all need an ear sometime. I just wish I had had it together
enough to post something when you first posted the above. I too have a very
croweded family history of depression and mental problems, and have been
trying to cope with my own physical difficulties along with problems with
the family (and dog, for God's sake.) It's just been really crazy lately.
Do have a therapist who I normally see regularly, but haven't been able to
make my appts. half the tme lately. And the holidays. Worse than usual
this year.
Anyway, I can empathize a great deal with much of what you wrote, and hope
to hear from you again. Really sorry it took me this long to get that out.
Hope you are okay.
Dave
A B
> Hey Happy Monkey,
> I have to apologize for not posting any of this earlier, like when you
> first posted, but I really didn't know what to say. Sounded like you had
> a very full pot of stew, and were trying to stir slowly so none of it
> spilled (an analogy from a former therapist I had.)
I never heard that one before, it's great.
> Hope you are doing okay, and hanging in there. *Please* don't hesitate to
> post again any time you need an ear. Believe it or not, I understand that
> feeling, and we all need an ear sometime. I just wish I had had it
> together enough to post something when you first posted the above. I too
> have a very croweded family history of depression and mental problems, and
> have been trying to cope with my own physical difficulties along with
> problems with the family (and dog, for God's sake.) It's just been really
> crazy lately. Do have a therapist who I normally see regularly, but
> haven't been able to make my appts. half the tme lately. And the
> holidays. Worse than usual this year.
And you post any time too, Dave. Nice to have someone else here again!
--
Dave
"A B" <a...@a.uk> wrote in message
news:4d06625f$0$2540$da0f...@news.zen.co.uk...
> "Dave" <db5...@hotmail.com> wrote on 12th December:
>> Hey Happy Monkey,
>> I have to apologize for not posting any of this earlier, like when you
>> first posted, but I really didn't know what to say. Sounded like you had
>> a very full pot of stew, and were trying to stir slowly so none of it
>> spilled (an analogy from a former therapist I had.)
>
> I never heard that one before, it's great.
>
>> Hope you are doing okay, and hanging in there. *Please* don't hesitate
>> to post again any time you need an ear. Believe it or not, I understand
>> that feeling, and we all need an ear sometime. I just wish I had had it
>> together enough to post something when you first posted the above. I too
>> have a very croweded family history of depression and mental problems,
>> and have been trying to cope with my own physical difficulties along with
>> problems with the family (and dog, for God's sake.) It's just been
>> really crazy lately. Do have a therapist who I normally see regularly,
>> but haven't been able to make my appts. half the tme lately. And the
>> holidays. Worse than usual this year.
>
> And you post any time too, Dave. Nice to have someone else here again!
>
Hey there,
I've been around, just been pretty quiet. Not really sure why I'm breaking
silence at the moment, but maybe I need to, what with the holidays etc.
Guess I just need a little more interaction with actual people. :)
Dave