OT: I keep learning more about my mother.....
Marilee
She's been on one of her "poor, pitiful me" kicks lately, and since I'm the
one that lives nearby, I'm the one that must hear the most about it.
History: My older sister inadvertently caused my younger sister extreme
distress some years ago. There was no "intent" to cause the hurt. Mom was
smack dab in the middle of it, unable to please either one completely, but
caught in a promise so that my younger sister was very hurt. ~~Most~~ of
the time the hurt is buried. We all call each other, keep in touch, share
stories. But sometimes the hurt rears its ugly head, and younger sister
says stuff to Mom about the incident. Mom (who didn't really handle the
past situation well) has been complaining of late that she's tired of being
"blamed for things" that aren't her fault.
I think she has to just come to terms with it. Mothers get blamed for
things that aren't their faults all the time. (My kids often seem to think
that I can just say a few magical words that will make all 4 of them see the
others' sides and thus heal all wounds. It's impossible. They're 4
individuals that love each other but don't always like each other. I've
announced to all of them that they can include me out of their occasional
dust-ups. After all, they're adults, now, and if they want to argue or make
peace they don't need my permission--or interference--to orchestrate it.)
Mom thinks that ~~~I~~~ should do something about my sisters. I think I've
done what I can. I bridged the communication gap between YS and OS a few
years ago. I was not a participant in the hurt--though I witnessed part of
it. I know both sides, and I know that OS is more at fault than YS, but....
OS is 61, and perfectly capable of saying, "Why were you mad?" YS is 50,
and likewise capable of saying, "Do you want to know why I was so angry?"
Mom thinks that I should further launch myself into things and inform OS of
what she did nearly a decade ago that caused YS such hurt. I wonder why
it's my job. Mom was certainly a party to the whole action, while I was
not. Apparently that makes me the one, in Mom's opinion, that should "stand
up" for her. She's not concerned about her daughters; she's concerned about
herself. I mended the original breach, with cooperation from my sisters. I
don't much feel like causing another one just because Mom doesn't want to
deal with it herself.
So that's my gripe.
But as I said, it's Mom's birthday today. I visited her this morning,
taking the gift that we three daughters got her, and stayed to visit. She
was full of news and trivia, complained about her best friend, asked me to
fix the window liner, had me watch the video tape my son and his wife had
sent her: a tour of their home. It was a pretty typical visit.
I hadn't called ahead of time. When I got there she was still in her
bathrobe. She said, "I meant to be dressed before you got here, but [YS]
called and I didn't have time." I said, "Oh, you knew I was coming?" She
allowed that it was something she was very sure she could count on. I was
relieved that I had, indeed, gone to visit her.
She asked me to find out who William H Macy's wife is, as she couldn't
remember (Felicity Huffman), and wanted to know who Shelley Long was married
to that she might want to commit suicide over (Bruce Tyson--securities
broker, not famous), and to look up something called HTO that she was hoping
was available for pain management for vulvodynia (it's not, as far as I can
tell).
Just before I left she said, "I'm 86 years old, and I've never had a
birthday cake."
I never knew that. None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can
recall; she always said she didn't want one. She said today that it didn't
bother her. But I never knew that she'd never had a birthday cake with
candles when she was a little girl. Now she's on that weird low oxalate
diet that doesn't allow for normal cake and frosting anymore.
I still feel like crying.
Marilee
Priscilla Ballou
"Marilee" <marilee....@gmail.com> wrote:
> Today is Mom's birthday.
[snip]
> I still feel like crying.
>
> Marilee
{{{Marilee}}}
Dealing with mothers is hard. I applaud you for treating yours with
love. My own took the bus back up to NH yesterday. She's 80 and
finally starting to feel her age, which took a lot of pressure off me
over the holiday, since she wasn't on her knees scrubbing and sweeping.
I got to clean up after Th'ging dinner at my own pace and with lots of
elbow room in the kitchen, while she socialized with my sister, b-i-l,
and niece in the livingroom. Of course then she said she was going
crazy because she didn't have anything to do. ;-)
I'm finding it a very interesting experience to be confronted by my
mother's vulnerabilities and childhood deficits, so your talking about
the experience of learning about your mother's not having a cake as a
child rang a bell. Some years ago my mother finally confided in me some
of the details of what happened when her mother died when she was 7.
All of a sudden I found myself thrown back by the volume of insight I
gained about why she is the way she is. It made it a lot easier to deal
with her, knowing some of why she's so unhappy and self-critical and
spreads that unhappiness and criticism around so readily. That was a
big step in the role reversal I'm experiencing as my mother and I both
age. I mother her a lot these days -- in ways I wish she'd been able to
mother me, but I now understand better why she couldn't. Through a
variety of sources, I've been able to gain the wherewithal (and the
compassion) to mother my mother's motherless child. Hey -- at least
someone gets what they need, even if it's 70 years too late! I am now
the strong one, the one able to (sometimes at least) care for the other.
I hope you take care of yourself especially well today, Marilee.
Priscilla
--
"It is very, very dangerous to treat any human, lowest
of the low even, with contempt and arrogant whatever.
The Lord takes this kind of treatment very, very personal."
- QBaal in newsgroup alt.religion.christian.episcopal
Mixter
well then go right ahead. heck, if it makes you feel better -- DO IT!
ok, here's my two cents. i think your attitude regarding your sisters is a
healthy one. it's over and done with. you did your part. if they really
want to get on with the business of liking each other again, then they will
be sure to mend their differences and keep you OUT OF THE MIDDLE of it.
now,if you've got a liking for flavored brandy and you're in the mood, pour
yourself a small glass, sit down and relax and just take your mind off
things for a while.
hugs to you.
mickey
"Marilee" <marilee....@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:30uk6aF...@uni-berlin.de...
sue and dave
"Marilee" wrote in message news:30uk6aF...@uni-berlin.de...
> Today is Mom's birthday.
lots snippage
>
> I still feel like crying.
>
> Marilee
Marilee, just go ahead and bawl, it's a healthy thing to cry over stuff
that can't be fixed. I'll join you.
I wish my Mom could remember birthdays, I wish she could recognize her
grandsons, I wish she could keep up her part of a telephone visit.
Dad misses her committment to HIS care, she no longer remembers who, what,
why where or when she was responsible.
I got the word Thanksgiving Day that my Dad has a malignant pancreatic
tumor. He/WE are scared, frightened and feeling helpless, and crying is an
OK response for right now. He is 84 and something is going to kill him. He
has faced down Type 1 diabetes since 1942 and has 4 kids
We do keep learning about our strengths and our weaknesses. We are
human. You can cry, give yourself permission, and know you aren't alone.
Sue
out there in the boonies of Western Maine
Tracy
>Just before I left she said, "I'm 86 years old, and I've never had a
>birthday cake."
>
>I never knew that. None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can
>recall; she always said she didn't want one. She said today that it didn't
>bother her. But I never knew that she'd never had a birthday cake with
>candles when she was a little girl. Now she's on that weird low oxalat
>diet that doesn't allow for normal cake and frosting anymore.
>I still feel like crying.
>
(((( Marilee))))
Can you get Mom a belated Birthday cake? Can she forget her diet for a day?
I think she would love it.
I do know how you feel, I cry about my Mom all the time.
Tracy
Marilee
"Tracy" <tdean...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20041128190215...@mb-m04.aol.com...
> >From: "Marilee"
>
>>Just before I left she said, "I'm 86 years old, and I've never had a
>>birthday cake."
>>
>
>>I never knew that. None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can
>>recall; she always said she didn't want one. She said today that it
>>didn't
>>bother her. But I never knew that she'd never had a birthday cake with
>>candles when she was a little girl. Now she's on that weird low oxalat
>>diet that doesn't allow for normal cake and frosting anymore.
>
>>I still feel like crying.
>>
>
> (((( Marilee))))
> Can you get Mom a belated Birthday cake? Can she forget her diet for a
> day?
No, she won't give up the diet.
However, I have an update. I told my older sister about it, and she said
she'd made Mom a German chocolate cake for her birthday when OS was 16. It
didn't have candles on it, but it was a *cake* on her *birthday*. So Mom's
memory is faulty--not surprising in an 86 year old.
Marilee
Wacked Out Female
Wacked Out Female
>
> I still feel like crying.
Marilee, for what it's worth I think you should cry if you want to. Throw
yourself on the floor and bawl your eyes out.
I can tell from some of the posts I've gotten from you that you're a very
sensitive and caring person and I think you may be feeling a bit guilty for
not being able to solve everyone's problems(takes one to know one eh!) Well
don't!
But cry if you want to - it always makes me feel better
>
> Marilee
>
>
>
>
Sue and Kevin Mullen
Marilee wrote:
> "Tracy" <tdean...@aol.com> wrote in message
> news:20041128190215...@mb-m04.aol.com...
>
>>>From: "Marilee"
>>
>>>Just before I left she said, "I'm 86 years old, and I've never had a
>>>birthday cake."
>>>
>>
>>>I never knew that. None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can
>>>recall; she always said she didn't want one. She said today that it
>>>didn't
>>>bother her. But I never knew that she'd never had a birthday cake with
>>>candles when she was a little girl. Now she's on that weird low oxalat
>>>diet that doesn't allow for normal cake and frosting anymore.
>>
>>>I still feel like crying.
>>>
>>
>>(((( Marilee))))
>> Can you get Mom a belated Birthday cake? Can she forget her diet for a
>>day?
>
>
> No, she won't give up the diet.
What does her diet consist of?
There has to be some way to get around it and get or make her
something that could be considered a birthday cake.
sue
Eva
Anyone can make a cake from a mix in an hour or so. Look at all the time
you invested making her those Eddy Arnold CDs!!!! I think she's pushing
your buttons again, Marilee. (Go on and tell me to shut up.)
Eva
Chris Malcolm
> "Tracy" <tdean...@aol.com> wrote in message
> news:20041128190215...@mb-m04.aol.com...
>> >From: "Marilee"
>>>Just before I left she said, "I'm 86 years old, and I've never had a
>>>birthday cake."
>>>I still feel like crying.
> However, I have an update. I told my older sister about it, and she said
> she'd made Mom a German chocolate cake for her birthday when OS was 16. It
> didn't have candles on it, but it was a *cake* on her *birthday*. So Mom's
> memory is faulty--not surprising in an 86 year old.
When my Mum was in her 80s and had come to spend her last years with
my sister we took the opportunity to ask her about all those old
childhood events of ours where we only knew half of the story. Some of
them had been world shattering events to us, but she had completely
forgotten many of them, even though we remembered that twenty or thirty
years earlier she had remembered them.
So, don't leave it too late before asking your Mum important
questions.
She did floor us sometimes, however. The Big One was when she casually
said to my sister and I after dinner, me being the eldest, "Didn't I
tell you about your older brother?" We were speechless.
In fact the older brother I never knew about may have saved my
life. The doctors told her that if she took me home I would die in a
month or two, like my brother. If she left me in the hospital with
their specialised care I might last six months.
She was a well-brought up doctor's daughter, so she didn't say
anything rude to the doctors. She just thought it. She thought
fiercely "You bastards are not going to get this one!" and took me
home. She stayed with me day and night praying and caring and willing
me to live. I was a sickly child, frequently ill, but I lived. And
when she told us that story I understood why Mum was always what I
thought was insanely overprotective about my health. She also had this
very firm conviction, which she insisted on throughout our childhoods,
that if one of her children was ill, it really helped if she sat and
held the child's hand. I remember her holding my hand for hours. I'd
fall asleep, and wake up, and she was still there, holding my hand,
willing me better.
In later life she was picked up by some psychic healers who told her
she had a natural talent, and who trained her free. She had some
remarkable successes with it. She always said that maybe God had given
her the gift of psychic healing for me, so that her baby would live.
But she didn't tell us the whole story until the year before she died.
She also told us lots of amazing stories about how she wandered all
over the country in the last years of the war, with no money, trying
to find somewhere safe from German bombs for her children, on her own.
Dad was away in the army. My sister remembers nothing of the war. I
remember bits of it. Oddly enough some of what I remember from those
ancient days aren't real things, they were dreams, nightmares, which
to a tiny child were as terrible and memorable as real things. It took
me until I was about ten before I stopped taking my dream life as
seriously as my real life. More seriously in fact, because I was
convinced my life was threatened in my dreams.
And having said that, I've suddenly realised something for the first
time. It was in my dreams that I learned how to fight disease and
injury. Whenever I was ill as a child, which was often, and sometimes
very serious, I would fight the disease in my dreams. I knew that's
what I was doing, and I knew that in order to live I had to vanquish
the disease in my dreams first.
As an adult I've been extraordinarily good at recovering from diseases
and injuries very much better than I was supposed to. I realise now
that my well-developed intuitive sense of how to do that came from
those dreams of childhood -- some of which I still remember today --
in which I fought the disease night after night, and eventually
vanquished it. It was a kind of symbolic magic.
Is that something Mum communicated to her second baby as she struggled
to keep him alive?
Thanks, Mum, for everything.
--
Chris Malcolm c...@infirmatics.ed.ac.uk +44 (0)131 651 3445 DoD #205
IPAB, Informatics, JCMB, King's Buildings, Edinburgh, EH9 3JZ, UK
[http://www.dai.ed.ac.uk/homes/cam/]
Marilee
"Eva" <EvaDStr...@NOverizon.net> wrote in message
news:9jxqd.1146$nq6.1125@trndny09...
Oh, I'm absolutely sure she's pushing my buttons. (She can't eat cake mix
cakes anymore. Or I should probably say "won't".) Much of what she says is
designed to engender sympathy. Sometimes, though, there's still a glimmer
of truth at the core.
Marilee
Priscilla Ballou
"Marilee" <marilee....@gmail.com> wrote:
> These little things that she mentions (though I'm not sure that never having
> a cake with candles on one's birthday is really so little if it's part of a
> bigger problem) make me see that maybe she is still fighting for the
> attention/consideration she missed out when she was young. It doesn't make
> me excuse her, because some of the things she has done and is still doing to
> her own children and grandchildren is inexcusable, but at least it makes me
> understand why she's become what she's become. I don't allow it to
> manipulate me, and I still agree that she's pushing my buttons (I don't
> think her children should have to make up for her lacking a true childhood),
> but at least it partially answers the question that my sisters and I ask
> each other on a frequent basis--that of "why" she's the way she is.
Bingo! That's what I was saying I resonated with in my response. I
wonder how many people go through this as a natural stage, part of
mid-life -- the stage when you start to understand why one's parents
were the way they were. Not necessarily to excuse or forgive, but to
understand.
Sue and Kevin Mullen
Marilee wrote:
>> "Sue and Kevin Mullen" <kjmu...@comcast.net> wrote in message
>>What does her diet consist of?
>
>
> She's on a "low oxalate" diet, and she's anal about it. She absolutely will
> not eat anything not specifically listed in the "low oxalate" column.
> http://www.branwen.com/rowan/oxalate.htm
That is very limited and I can't see a way to make a cake within the
diet.
> I was relieved when my older sister told me she'd made her a cake--no
> candles, but a birthday cake just the same--when Mom was 41. I believe it's
> my grandmother Mom resents.
It still isn't the same as a birthday cake with candles. Some people
wouldn't care, but I can see it meaning a lot to others. I read your
other post about your mom and your grandmother and can see where the
resentment comes from.
sue
Marilee
>
>
> Marilee wrote:
>
>> "Tracy" <tdean...@aol.com> wrote in message
>> news:20041128190215...@mb-m04.aol.com...
>>
>>>>From: "Marilee"
>>>
>>>>Just before I left she said, "I'm 86 years old, and I've never had a
>>>>birthday cake."
>>>>
>>>
>>>>I never knew that. None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can
>>>>recall; she always said she didn't want one. She said today that it
>>>>didn't
>>>>bother her. But I never knew that she'd never had a birthday cake with
>>>>candles when she was a little girl. Now she's on that weird low oxalat
>>>>diet that doesn't allow for normal cake and frosting anymore.
>>>
>>>>I still feel like crying.
>>>>
>>>
>>>(((( Marilee))))
>>> Can you get Mom a belated Birthday cake? Can she forget her diet for a
>>> day?
>>
>>
>> No, she won't give up the diet.
>
> What does her diet consist of?
She's on a "low oxalate" diet, and she's anal about it. She absolutely will
not eat anything not specifically listed in the "low oxalate" column.
http://www.branwen.com/rowan/oxalate.htm
>
> There has to be some way to get around it and get or make her something
> that could be considered a birthday cake.
I was relieved when my older sister told me she'd made her a cake--no
candles, but a birthday cake just the same--when Mom was 41. I believe it's
my grandmother Mom resents.
Marilee
Marilee
"Eva" <EvaDStr...@NOverizon.net> wrote in message
news:9jxqd.1146$nq6.1125@trndny09...
> Anyone can make a cake from a mix in an hour or so. Look at all the time
> you invested making her those Eddy Arnold CDs!!!! I think she's pushing
> your buttons again, Marilee. (Go on and tell me to shut up.)
I thought I'd add one more thing (and it's still not telling you to shut
up). :)
I don't think that making a birthday cake ***now*** would make up for
anything, but the fact that she's never had a birthday cake with candles
gives me one more snapshot of her young life. She tells stories of always
having to watch "the baby". (She's the oldest girl in a family of 7
children; her older brother never got babysitting or kitchen duty.) She
hates gardening because her mother was always out in one, leaving Mom in the
house with a crew of younger siblings when she probably should have been out
playing. There are lots of little anecdotes that she has told over the
years--not constantly, but every now and then when something triggers a
memory.
For as long as I can remember, though, Mom has needed/insisted on being the
center of attention in a group, has to win all the trivia games (when she
started to lose, she suddenly became too old to play, or had a faulty game
piece), had to be the best cook, etc.
These little things that she mentions (though I'm not sure that never having
a cake with candles on one's birthday is really so little if it's part of a
bigger problem) make me see that maybe she is still fighting for the
attention/consideration she missed out when she was young. It doesn't make
me excuse her, because some of the things she has done and is still doing to
her own children and grandchildren is inexcusable, but at least it makes me
understand why she's become what she's become. I don't allow it to
manipulate me, and I still agree that she's pushing my buttons (I don't
think her children should have to make up for her lacking a true childhood),
but at least it partially answers the question that my sisters and I ask
each other on a frequent basis--that of "why" she's the way she is.
Marilee
Marilee
"Priscilla Ballou" <vze2...@verizon.net> wrote in message
news:vze23t8n-E58C6B...@news.verizon.net...
> In article <310ptnF...@uni-berlin.de>,
> "Marilee" <marilee....@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > These little things that she mentions (though I'm not sure that never
having
> > a cake with candles on one's birthday is really so little if it's part
of a
> > bigger problem) make me see that maybe she is still fighting for the
> > attention/consideration she missed out when she was young. It doesn't
make
> > me excuse her, because some of the things she has done and is still
doing to
> > her own children and grandchildren is inexcusable, but at least it makes
me
> > understand why she's become what she's become. I don't allow it to
> > manipulate me, and I still agree that she's pushing my buttons (I don't
> > think her children should have to make up for her lacking a true
childhood),
> > but at least it partially answers the question that my sisters and I ask
> > each other on a frequent basis--that of "why" she's the way she is.
>
> Bingo! That's what I was saying I resonated with in my response. I
> wonder how many people go through this as a natural stage, part of
> mid-life -- the stage when you start to understand why one's parents
> were the way they were. Not necessarily to excuse or forgive, but to
> understand.
I meant to comment on your first response--it was wonderful. Then I started
reading the rest and failed to go back to the first.
So thank you for both of your posts. I agree with both of them, for the
most part.
Marilee
Sue and Kevin Mullen
Priscilla Ballou wrote:
I
> wonder how many people go through this as a natural stage, part of
> mid-life -- the stage when you start to understand why one's parents
> were the way they were. Not necessarily to excuse or forgive, but to
> understand.
About 20 yrs ago my mother had a heart attack and my sister and I flew
down to Florida to take care of her. We also had to get my
step-father into a residential alcohol program. During the time that
my sister and I were alone with my mother, there were lots of things
we found out about my mother's life that we never knew about. It
helped us understand a lot of things, both good and bad.
sue
Chakolate
news:310ptnF...@uni-berlin.de:
> These little things that she mentions (though I'm not sure that never
> having a cake with candles on one's birthday is really so little if
> it's part of a bigger problem) make me see that maybe she is still
> fighting for the attention/consideration she missed out when she was
> young. It doesn't make me excuse her, because some of the things she
> has done and is still doing to her own children and grandchildren is
> inexcusable, but at least it makes me understand why she's become what
> she's become. I don't allow it to manipulate me, and I still agree
> that she's pushing my buttons (I don't think her children should have
> to make up for her lacking a true childhood), but at least it
> partially answers the question that my sisters and I ask each other on
> a frequent basis--that of "why" she's the way she is.
>
Would it be in order here for me to disagree? Or is this too close to your
heart to hear it? I have in mind a more general discussion but I'll
refrain if it might hurt you.
Chakolate
--
Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find
easier ways to do something.
--Robert Heinlein
Jette Goldie
Marilee - there's bound to be a cake recipe somewhere that fits
in with your mother's restricted diet. I'd present Mum with such
a cake, complete with candles, and photograph her blowing
them out, in case her memory goes again.
--
Jette
"Work for Peace and remain Fiercely Loving" - Jim Byrnes
je...@blueyonder.co.uk
http://www.jette.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
Chakolate
news:30uk6aF...@uni-berlin.de:
> I never knew that. None of us girls ever baked Mom a cake, that I can
> recall; she always said she didn't want one. She said today that it
> didn't bother her. But I never knew that she'd never had a birthday
> cake with candles when she was a little girl. Now she's on that weird
> low oxalate diet that doesn't allow for normal cake and frosting
> anymore.
>
> I still feel like crying.
>
You know, you might find a world of stuff to talk about if you try to find
out more about her past. As I think I've mentioned, my father is a very
difficult man to get along with, but recently I found that asking him
questions about his past leads to talk on very safe grounds.
Frex, I asked him something about his service in WWII, and I got
fascinating details about his time in the Phillippines. Then I asked him
whether he grew up on the farm or was only there for a while, and I heard
about all the places he lived. I'm finding out quite a lot about my own
history, and it comes along without any of the baggage of our mutual
history. If that makes any sense.
Even later stuff works. I asked him to tell me what it was like when my
older sister was born, and found out there had been a medical crisis, and
in the process of hearing the story I got lots of insights into the
character of an aunt and uncle I only knew slightly.
We can't talk about anything in general: politics, religion, world events,
even neighborhood events all lead to battles between us. (I, of course,
remaining sweetly reasonable all the while.) But him relating his
experiences can be a real bonding experience.
So ask your mom how she met your dad. Ask her what teacher she liked best.
Ask her how she chose her occupation, whatever it may have been, and what
she would have liked to do instead. Ask her about her first car.
Of course, all this advice may well be worth exactly what you paid for it.
:-)
Marilee
"Priscilla H. Ballou" <vze2...@verizon.net> wrote in message
news:41AB6E07...@verizon.net...
> Marilee wrote:
> >
>
> > I meant to comment on your first response--it was wonderful. Then I
started
> > reading the rest and failed to go back to the first.
> >
> > So thank you for both of your posts. I agree with both of them, for the
> > most part.
>
> only one going through something, isn't it?
Yes, it is. :)
From what you've said, though, you do a much better job of mothering ~your~
mother than I do mothering mine. The fact is, I'm tired of it. We've had
to for years. I try to be patient and understanding, but sometimes I fail
miserably.
Marilee
Keera Ann Fox
> Thanks, Mum, for everything.
And thank you, Chris, for sharing your mother with us.
--
****** Keera in Norway ******
* Think big. Shrink to fit. *
http://home.online.no/~kafox/
Marilee
"Chakolate" <chakolateDea...@allvantage.com> wrote in message
news:Xns95B08C93AC3D9c...@130.133.1.4...
> So ask your mom how she met your dad.
Oh, I know that story. They were in college--Mayville State. He was
working his way through doing odd jobs. She broke a drawer on purpose....
>Ask her what teacher she liked best.
I know that one, too. A husband-wife team: Mr. and Mrs. Olafson. One
taught English, the other a lower grade. She still quotes them.
> Ask her how she chose her occupation, whatever it may have been, and what
> she would have liked to do instead.
Nothing. "All I ever wanted to be was a mother."
>Ask her about her first car.
Hmm. This one I don't know, because I don't think she ever had a car until
she and Dad got their first.
>
> Of course, all this advice may well be worth exactly what you paid for it.
> :-)
Mom tells many stories about her childhood and early adulthood. The trouble
is, we never know when something's the truth or when it's the "rewritten"
version. Mom's famous for her rewrites.
Marilee
Chakolate
news:10qko4d...@corp.supernews.com:
> I wish my Mom could remember birthdays, I wish she could recognize her
> grandsons, I wish she could keep up her part of a telephone visit.
>
> Dad misses her committment to HIS care, she no longer remembers who,
> what, why where or when she was responsible.
Have you forgiven her for all the things she did? If she can't remember
them any more, there's no point to holding on to them. (BTDT, wrote about
it in livejournal.)
> I got the word Thanksgiving Day that my Dad has a malignant
> pancreatic tumor. He/WE are scared, frightened and feeling helpless,
> and crying is an OK response for right now. He is 84 and something is
> going to kill him. He has faced down Type 1 diabetes since 1942 and
> has 4 kids
A T1 for 62 years? I am completely impressed. He's a fighter, big time.
Tell him I'm pulling for him in this fight, too.
> We do keep learning about our strengths and our weaknesses. We are
> human. You can cry, give yourself permission, and know you aren't
> alone.
Good words, Sue. I hope your own crying is in the arms of your loved ones.
Marilee
> "Marilee" <marilee....@gmail.com> wrote in
> news:310ptnF...@uni-berlin.de:
>
> > These little things that she mentions (though I'm not sure that never
> > having a cake with candles on one's birthday is really so little if
> > it's part of a bigger problem) make me see that maybe she is still
> > fighting for the attention/consideration she missed out when she was
> > young. It doesn't make me excuse her, because some of the things she
> > has done and is still doing to her own children and grandchildren is
> > inexcusable, but at least it makes me understand why she's become what
> > she's become. I don't allow it to manipulate me, and I still agree
> > that she's pushing my buttons (I don't think her children should have
> > to make up for her lacking a true childhood), but at least it
> > partially answers the question that my sisters and I ask each other on
> > a frequent basis--that of "why" she's the way she is.
> >
>
> Would it be in order here for me to disagree?
With what part?
Or is this too close to your
> heart to hear it?
More input needed.
I have in mind a more general discussion but I'll
> refrain if it might hurt you.
Hurt me? Hmm. I'm needing way more information here to appropriately
answer.
Marilee
Marilee
"Jette Goldie" <j...@blueyonder.com.uk> wrote in message
news:_3Jqd.25784$up1....@text.news.blueyonder.co.uk...
>>
>
> Marilee - there's bound to be a cake recipe somewhere that fits
> in with your mother's restricted diet. I'd present Mum with such
> a cake, complete with candles, and photograph her blowing
> them out, in case her memory goes again.
My mother would hate this.
I appreciate the suggestion, though.
Marilee
Priscilla H. Ballou
>
> I meant to comment on your first response--it was wonderful. Then I started
> reading the rest and failed to go back to the first.
>
> So thank you for both of your posts. I agree with both of them, for the
> most part.
"For the most part" is fine with me! It's good to know one is not the
only one going through something, isn't it?
Priscilla
Chakolate
berlin.de:
> I'm needing way more information here to appropriately
> answer.
>
Um, maybe I'll save it for our next phone conversation.
Chakolate
news:311diiF...@uni-berlin.de:
> Mom tells many stories about her childhood and early adulthood. The
> trouble is, we never know when something's the truth or when it's the
> "rewritten" version. Mom's famous for her rewrites.
>
I find the same thing with my dad - the stories he's told before are
suspiciously pat. But when he's actually remembering on the spot, you can
see in his eyes that he's going back there in his mind and telling just
what he saw.
Chakolate
news:Xns95B08C93AC3D9c...@130.133.1.4:
> We can't talk about anything in general: politics, religion, world
> events, even neighborhood events all lead to battles between us. (I,
> of course, remaining sweetly reasonable all the while.) But him
> relating his experiences can be a real bonding experience.
>
"Remain" not "remaining". I, of course, remain sweetly...
Hmmm. Maybe I made that booboo just so I could come back and repeat that,
er, version of the truth. :-)
Priscilla H. Ballou
I've been at it only since my father died 6 years ago. Before then, I
really didn't have access to her, she was so focussed on him. And don't
read what I wrote to mean that I am constantly patient! I do lose my
temper with her, but when I get a little distance I do understand. Not
necessarily approve and not decide universally to tolerate, but
understand. Big ole difference there.
Priscilla
Marilee
> "Marilee" <marilee....@gmail.com> wrote in news:311dp1F35v1vjU1@uni-
> berlin.de:
>
> > I'm needing way more information here to appropriately
> > answer.
> >
>
> Um, maybe I'll save it for our next phone conversation.
Oh, well, okay. No hint, huh?
Bummer.
Marilee
Marilee
I rarely lose my temper with Mom. I usually feign disinterest, or fail to
sympathize--if you get my drift--when she's in one of her more
demanding/poor pitiful me moods. I try to treat everything matter-of-factly
rather than offer fake sympathy for something that I think is likely her own
darn fault.
For instance, she doesn't like her best friend. Really. She's annoyed by
Marjorie constantly: Marjorie never leaves a big enough tip, Marjorie
spends too much time mowing her lawn, Marjorie cares too much about the car
she drives, Marjorie wants to go to a restaurant Mom doesn't want to go to,
Marjorie tells her every bit of bad news that she hears on her police
scanner, Marjorie is cruel to animals, and onandonandonandonandon. The
stress Marjorie causes has a direct affect on Mom's v*lvar pain level.
So what do I say? I say, "Well, stop playing with Marjorie, then." Then I
get all the reasons why she can't. It would hurt Marjorie's feelings,
sometimes they have a good time, she likes her company once in awhile.
I don't offer sympathy in these types of cases. I pretty much just say,
"Oh" and let it go. I won't allow her to wallow; I change the subject.
Bleah.
But I don't get angry. The last time I actually hollered at Mom was in June
when Jim was in the hospital just before his gall bladder surgery. She kept
at me about moving a freezer, of all things, and I blew up. My youngest was
with me and he later said it was "the coolest thing he'd ever seen".
:( In 21.5 years he'd never seen me confront her in anger before.
Marilee
Priscilla H. Ballou
> I rarely lose my temper with Mom. I usually feign disinterest, or fail to
> sympathize--if you get my drift--when she's in one of her more
> demanding/poor pitiful me moods. I try to treat everything matter-of-factly
> rather than offer fake sympathy for something that I think is likely her own
> darn fault.
Oh, I don't offer much fake sympathy (I think). I do try to gently
suggest alternatives -- when I'm not so incensed I just say, "That is so
snobby!" and then we make a joke of it. I think I'm one of the few
people she can take a sort of pastoral criticism from.
> For instance, she doesn't like her best friend. Really. She's annoyed by
> Marjorie constantly: Marjorie never leaves a big enough tip, Marjorie
> spends too much time mowing her lawn, Marjorie cares too much about the car
> she drives, Marjorie wants to go to a restaurant Mom doesn't want to go to,
> Marjorie tells her every bit of bad news that she hears on her police
> scanner, Marjorie is cruel to animals, and onandonandonandonandon. The
> stress Marjorie causes has a direct affect on Mom's v*lvar pain level.
>
> So what do I say? I say, "Well, stop playing with Marjorie, then." Then I
> get all the reasons why she can't. It would hurt Marjorie's feelings,
> sometimes they have a good time, she likes her company once in awhile.
>
> I don't offer sympathy in these types of cases. I pretty much just say,
> "Oh" and let it go. I won't allow her to wallow; I change the subject.
> Bleah.
I can be pretty direct. "So, then you're going to have to live with it"
has issued from my lips, IIRC. I think we have very similar techniques.
> But I don't get angry. The last time I actually hollered at Mom was in June
> when Jim was in the hospital just before his gall bladder surgery. She kept
> at me about moving a freezer, of all things, and I blew up. My youngest was
> with me and he later said it was "the coolest thing he'd ever seen".
> :( In 21.5 years he'd never seen me confront her in anger before.
I like your kid. :-)
I snap at her sometimes, particularly on days 4, 5, and beyond of her
visits, but then we generally find something to do that is the
equivalent of making up. We do have a great number of interests in
common, we approach problems in similar ways, and we have similar
personality types. As a result, we're pretty good company for each
other when my slobitude isn't driving her batty and her snobbishness and
judgementalism isn't making me seethe. Mother says I'm the only person
with whom she can "frivol," and I try to make sure that there's a good
amount of potential frivolity penciled into our schedule. She's so
serious! Everything is duty, responsibility, and obligation. Live a
little! is more my attitude. Life is for enjoying! She has such a hard
time with that. Poor sad little girl confined in an 80 year old body.
I'm glad my cats sleep with her when she comes.
Priscilla
Priscilla H. Ballou
Yeah, and we don't get to read over your shoulder. *sigh*
Priscilla
Louise Bremner
> Marilee wrote:
>
> >> "Sue and Kevin Mullen" <kjmu...@comcast.net> wrote in message
>
> >>What does her diet consist of?
> >
> >
> > She's on a "low oxalate" diet, and she's anal about it. She absolutely will
> > not eat anything not specifically listed in the "low oxalate" column.
> > http://www.branwen.com/rowan/oxalate.htm
>
> That is very limited and I can't see a way to make a cake within the
> diet.
Maybe a cheesecake on a crushed-cornflake base? With cherry icing?
Depends whether it's the concept of something cake-shaped with candles,
presented with ceremony on the appropriate day, or a *real* cake.
>
> > I was relieved when my older sister told me she'd made her a cake--no
> > candles, but a birthday cake just the same--when Mom was 41. I believe it's
> > my grandmother Mom resents.
>
> It still isn't the same as a birthday cake with candles. Some people
> wouldn't care, but I can see it meaning a lot to others.
I cringe at the very thought of such a cake, but yes, I do know that
others find it important.
________________________________________________________________________
Louise Bremner (log at gol dot com)
If you want a reply by e-mail, don't write to my Yahoo address!
sue and dave
"Chakolate" <wrote
> "sue and dave" wrote in
>
> > I wish my Mom could remember birthdays, I wish she could recognize her
> > grandsons, I wish she could keep up her part of a telephone visit.
> >
> > Dad misses her committment to HIS care, she no longer remembers who,
> > what, why where or when she was responsible.
>
> Have you forgiven her for all the things she did? If she can't remember
> them any more, there's no point to holding on to them. (BTDT, wrote about
> it in livejournal.)
Chak, my Mom cared for her family with total love and devotion. She gave
fully and completely, I have nothing to forgive, hold nothing against her.
Not her fault she was overtaken by a dementia.
>
> > I got the word Thanksgiving Day that my Dad has a malignant
> > pancreatic tumor. He/WE are scared, frightened and feeling helpless,
> > and crying is an OK response for right now. He is 84 and something is
> > going to kill him. He has faced down Type 1 diabetes since 1942 and
> > has 4 kids
>
> A T1 for 62 years? I am completely impressed. He's a fighter, big time.
> Tell him I'm pulling for him in this fight, too.
Yes he is a fighter, has been a fighter, and has had solid support of docs
and family all his life. I know he is frustrated now, but we will pull with
him.
>
> > We do keep learning about our strengths and our weaknesses. We are
> > human. You can cry, give yourself permission, and know you aren't
> > alone.
>
> Good words, Sue. I hope your own crying is in the arms of your loved
ones.
Thanks Chak. Appreciate the good thoughts, and my best to you as well.
Sue
sue and dave
"CG" wrote
> "sue and dave"
> wrote:
>
> >
> >I got the word Thanksgiving Day that my Dad has a malignant pancreatic
> >tumor. He/WE are scared, frightened and feeling helpless, and crying is
an
> >OK response for right now. He is 84 and something is going to kill him.
He
> >has faced down Type 1 diabetes since 1942 and has 4 kids
>
>
> Cathering
Thanks Cathering, we will muddle and puddle and learn as we go.
Sue
Shirley
news:1go1y9p.pakycs1wq0u0wN%dame_...@yahoo.com...
> Sue and Kevin Mullen <kjmu...@comcast.net> wrote:
>
>> Marilee wrote:
>>
>> >> "Sue and Kevin Mullen" <kjmu...@comcast.net> wrote in message
>>
>> >>What does her diet consist of?
>> >
>> >
>> > She's on a "low oxalate" diet, and she's anal about it. She
>> > absolutely will
>> > not eat anything not specifically listed in the "low oxalate"
>> > column.
>> > http://www.branwen.com/rowan/oxalate.htm
>>
>> That is very limited and I can't see a way to make a cake within
>> the
>> diet.
>
> Maybe a cheesecake on a crushed-cornflake base? With cherry icing?
> Depends whether it's the concept of something cake-shaped with
> candles,
> presented with ceremony on the appropriate day, or a *real* cake.
I thought of a Pavlova or meringue layers with cream and fruit in
between.
--
Shirley
see my cats at
http://communities.msn.co.uk/Friendsfamilyandfelines2
http://uk.msnusers.com/friendsfamilyandfelines3
Shirley
news:30uk6aF...@uni-berlin.de...
> Today is Mom's birthday.
>
> She's been on one of her "poor, pitiful me" kicks lately, and since
> I'm the one that lives nearby, I'm the one that must hear the most
> about it.
>
> History: My older sister inadvertently caused my younger sister
> extreme distress some years ago. There was no "intent" to cause the
> hurt. Mom was smack dab in the middle of it, unable to please
> either one completely, but caught in a promise so that my younger
> sister was very hurt. ~~Most~~ of the time the hurt is buried. We
> all call each other, keep in touch, share stories. But sometimes
> the hurt rears its ugly head, and younger sister says stuff to Mom
> about the incident. Mom (who didn't really handle the past
> situation well) has been complaining of late that she's tired of
> being "blamed for things" that aren't her fault.
>
> I think she has to just come to terms with it. Mothers get blamed
> for things that aren't their faults all the time. (My kids often
> seem to think that I can just say a few magical words that will make
> all 4 of them see the others' sides and thus heal all wounds. It's
> impossible. They're 4 individuals that love each other but don't
> always like each other. I've announced to all of them that they can
> include me out of their occasional dust-ups. After all, they're
> adults, now, and if they want to argue or make peace they don't need
> my permission--or interference--to orchestrate it.)
>
> Mom thinks that ~~~I~~~ should do something about my sisters. I
> think I've done what I can. I bridged the communication gap between
> YS and OS a few years ago. I was not a participant in the
> hurt--though I witnessed part of it. I know both sides, and I know
> that OS is more at fault than YS, but....
>
> OS is 61, and perfectly capable of saying, "Why were you mad?" YS
> is 50, and likewise capable of saying, "Do you want to know why I
> was so angry?" Mom thinks that I should further launch myself into
> things and inform OS of what she did nearly a decade ago that caused
> YS such hurt. I wonder why it's my job. Mom was certainly a party
> to the whole action, while I was not. Apparently that makes me the
> one, in Mom's opinion, that should "stand up" for her. She's not
> concerned about her daughters; she's concerned about herself. I
> mended the original breach, with cooperation from my sisters. I
> don't much feel like causing another one just because Mom doesn't
> want to deal with it herself.
>
> So that's my gripe.
>
> But as I said, it's Mom's birthday today. I visited her this
> morning, taking the gift that we three daughters got her, and stayed
> to visit. She was full of news and trivia, complained about her
> best friend, asked me to fix the window liner, had me watch the
> video tape my son and his wife had sent her: a tour of their home.
> It was a pretty typical visit.
>
> I hadn't called ahead of time. When I got there she was still in
> her bathrobe. She said, "I meant to be dressed before you got here,
> but [YS] called and I didn't have time." I said, "Oh, you knew I
> was coming?" She allowed that it was something she was very sure
> she could count on. I was relieved that I had, indeed, gone to
> visit her.
>
> She asked me to find out who William H Macy's wife is, as she
> couldn't remember (Felicity Huffman), and wanted to know who Shelley
> Long was married to that she might want to commit suicide over
> (Bruce Tyson--securities broker, not famous), and to look up
> something called HTO that she was hoping was available for pain
> management for vulvodynia (it's not, as far as I can tell).
>
> Just before I left she said, "I'm 86 years old, and I've never had a
> birthday cake."
>
> can recall; she always said she didn't want one. She said today
> that it didn't bother her. But I never knew that she'd never had a
> birthday cake with candles when she was a little girl. Now she's on
> that weird low oxalate diet that doesn't allow for normal cake and
> frosting anymore.
>
> I still feel like crying.
>
It's hard to deal with this type of parental revelation, makes us
realise that there is a hidden child in everyone.
{{{Marilee}}}} and a tissue to wipe your tears.
Shirley
> Chakolate <chakolateDea...@allvantage.com> wrote in
> news:Xns95B08C93AC3D9c...@130.133.1.4:
>
>> We can't talk about anything in general: politics, religion, world
>> events, even neighborhood events all lead to battles between us.
>> (I,
>> of course, remaining sweetly reasonable all the while.) But him
>> relating his experiences can be a real bonding experience.
>>
>
> "Remain" not "remaining". I, of course, remain sweetly...
>
> Hmmm. Maybe I made that booboo just so I could come back and repeat
> that,
> er, version of the truth. :-)
>
> Chakolate
I like to think that we each have our own unique filters on our
memories and that is why two people will recall the same event
entirely differently.
Sue and Kevin Mullen
Write down what you discover, I wish I had done that each time my
mother told me stories of her life.
sue
Louise Bremner
> "Louise Bremner" <dame_...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:1go1y9p.pakycs1wq0u0wN%dame_...@yahoo.com...
> > Sue and Kevin Mullen <kjmu...@comcast.net> wrote:
> >
> >> Marilee wrote:
> >>
> >> >> "Sue and Kevin Mullen" <kjmu...@comcast.net> wrote in message
> >>
> >> >>What does her diet consist of?
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > She's on a "low oxalate" diet, and she's anal about it. She
> >> > absolutely will
> >> > not eat anything not specifically listed in the "low oxalate"
> >> > column.
> >> > http://www.branwen.com/rowan/oxalate.htm
> >>
> >> That is very limited and I can't see a way to make a cake within
> >> the
> >> diet.
> >
> > Maybe a cheesecake on a crushed-cornflake base? With cherry icing?
> > Depends whether it's the concept of something cake-shaped with
> > candles,
> > presented with ceremony on the appropriate day, or a *real* cake.
>
>
>
> I thought of a Pavlova or meringue layers with cream and fruit in
> between.
<hnnnnnnggggggnnnnnhhhh> Don't do that to me! (Can't cope with dairy)
FurPaw
Me too! Once I asked mine to write down some of the stories of her
life, but she wasn't interested in doing that. She wanted someone live
listening to her as she related them.
FurPaw
--
I pledge allegiance to the Constitution of the United States of America,
and to the republic which it established, one nation from many peoples,
promising liberty and justice for all.
Feel free to use the above variant pledge in your own postings.
To reply, unleash the dog.
Louise Bremner
> "Chakolate" <chakolateDea...@allvantage.com> wrote in message
> news:Xns95B0937F8D54Fc...@130.133.1.4...
> > Chakolate <chakolateDea...@allvantage.com> wrote in
> > news:Xns95B08C93AC3D9c...@130.133.1.4:
> >
> >> We can't talk about anything in general: politics, religion, world
> >> events, even neighborhood events all lead to battles between us.
> >> (I,
> >> of course, remaining sweetly reasonable all the while.) But him
> >> relating his experiences can be a real bonding experience.
> >>
> >
> > "Remain" not "remaining". I, of course, remain sweetly...
> >
> > Hmmm. Maybe I made that booboo just so I could come back and repeat
> > that,
> > er, version of the truth. :-)
> >
> > Chakolate
>
> I like to think that we each have our own unique filters on our
> memories and that is why two people will recall the same event
> entirely differently.
I have sometimes wondered whether another person with such different
memories of a mutual incident is from the same universe. Seriously--the
concept of alternate time lines seems so plausible at times....
Chris Malcolm
> I have sometimes wondered whether another person with such different
> memories of a mutual incident is from the same universe. Seriously--the
> concept of alternate time lines seems so plausible at times....
Since I started suffering from long term illnesses, degenerations
etc. a decade or so ago I started keeping a medical log. I've been
surprised to discover how easily my memory of something a few years
ago can get completely revised without my realising it. It's not a
random process, it gets revised so as to improve the story, better fit
my prejudices, and show me in a better light. But "I" didn't do that,
in the sense of being aware of garnishing and revising the
story. Sometimes I *do* garnish a story, and I do it deliberately, and
I know I'm doing it, and I know what really happened.
It's as though there were some rather over-zealous and unprincipled
servants in my brain. "But sir, don't you like our revised story?
Isn't it better than the original, sir? We were only trying to please
you, sir!"
Which of course is the problem. My brain is full of such servants.
It's how brains work.
--
Chris Malcolm c...@infirmatics.ed.ac.uk +44 (0)131 651 3445 DoD #205
IPAB, Informatics, JCMB, King's Buildings, Edinburgh, EH9 3JZ, UK
[http://www.dai.ed.ac.uk/homes/cam/]
Shirley
Sorrrrrrryyyyyy......I can't cope with all the sugar in meringue
.........I just wish I could :-(
Priscilla H. Ballou
>
> Louise Bremner <dame_...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>
> > I have sometimes wondered whether another person with such different
> > memories of a mutual incident is from the same universe. Seriously--the
> > concept of alternate time lines seems so plausible at times....
>
> Since I started suffering from long term illnesses, degenerations
> etc. a decade or so ago I started keeping a medical log. I've been
> surprised to discover how easily my memory of something a few years
> ago can get completely revised without my realising it. It's not a
> random process, it gets revised so as to improve the story, better fit
> my prejudices, and show me in a better light. But "I" didn't do that,
> in the sense of being aware of garnishing and revising the
> story. Sometimes I *do* garnish a story, and I do it deliberately, and
> I know I'm doing it, and I know what really happened.
>
> It's as though there were some rather over-zealous and unprincipled
> servants in my brain. "But sir, don't you like our revised story?
> Isn't it better than the original, sir? We were only trying to please
> you, sir!"
>
> Which of course is the problem. My brain is full of such servants.
> It's how brains work.
My problem is that my staff take extended tea breaks, and I'm left
tapping my toe in the foyer wondering when someone will answer the bell.
Priscilla
Chakolate
news:311j0uF...@uni-berlin.de:
> But I don't get angry. The last time I actually hollered at Mom was
> in June when Jim was in the hospital just before his gall bladder
> surgery. She kept at me about moving a freezer, of all things, and I
> blew up. My youngest was with me and he later said it was "the
> coolest thing he'd ever seen".
>:( In 21.5 years he'd never seen me confront her in anger before.
>
She wanted *Jim* to move a freezer? After his heart surgery? When he was
in the hospital for more surgery? Wow. That absolutely bends my mind.
Chakolate
> My problem is that my staff take extended tea breaks, and I'm left
> tapping my toe in the foyer wondering when someone will answer the bell.
>
LOL! Great image.
Marilee
> "Marilee" <marilee....@gmail.com> wrote in
> news:311j0uF...@uni-berlin.de:
>
>> But I don't get angry. The last time I actually hollered at Mom was
>> in June when Jim was in the hospital just before his gall bladder
>> surgery. She kept at me about moving a freezer, of all things, and I
>> blew up. My youngest was with me and he later said it was "the
>> coolest thing he'd ever seen".
>>:( In 21.5 years he'd never seen me confront her in anger before.
>>
>
> She wanted *Jim* to move a freezer? After his heart surgery? When he was
> in the hospital for more surgery? Wow. That absolutely bends my mind.
No, she wanted *me* to move a freezer. And rearrange the furniture. And do
this. And do that.
Actually, it was move *two* freezers. I had a 5.0 cubic ft chest type that
I'd told her she could have; she wanted it on her main floor so she wouldn't
have to go into the basement to store/retrieve food. It made sense to me.
She mentioned it frequently, and I'd told her that the next time our
youngest was home for a visit, we'd do the big move. (Her freezer was
bigger--more like 7.5-10 cu. ft.--we traded, as she wanted a small one, and
I didn't mind acquiring the larger.)
She knew that DS was home that weekend, and I knew that, in the long run, it
would be less stressful for me to just give her the damned freezer. Not
knowing yet what Jim's current problem was, I didn't want the freezerr still
hanging over my head (figuratively speaking). DS and I walked into her
house, freezer ready and waiting, to be met at the door by Mom with a litany
of complaints: she didn't feel that well, someone wasn't nice to her,
something didn't come in the mail, yada, yada, yada. I interrupted with,
"Well, Jim is in the hospital." She dropped her complaints, but started in
with a different assault: We didn't have to move the freezer today, it
wasn't important, we should forget about it, blah, blah, blah. I got her to
tell me where she wanted the small one--an accomplishment in and of
itself--DS and I put it where she wanted it, and then started to discuss
whether or not it was necessary to move the second freezer that same day.
She kept interrupting our talk, interjecting stuff, protesting, wringing her
hands, etc. ***That*** was when I blew up. I told her, forcefully, to just
shut up and let me think my thoughts and figure out what I wanted to do, and
that she wasn't helping. She got all hurt and retired to the living room.
DS and I eventually decided it wasn't worth the effort to move the second
freezer, and left. Mom didn't come out into the kitchen to say good-bye.
She just pitifully called out her farewells from the other room.
I'm still mad. Can you tell?
She stopped by the office this morning to complain some more about Marjorie.
Bleah.
Marilee
Chakolate
news:10qn8rp...@corp.supernews.com:
> Chak, my Mom cared for her family with total love and devotion. She
> gave fully and completely, I have nothing to forgive, hold nothing
> against her. Not her fault she was overtaken by a dementia.
>
Sorry, I misread what you originally posted.
Mickey
mickey
"Chris Malcolm" <c...@holyrood.ed.ac.uk> wrote in message
news:312r41F...@uni-berlin.de...
Marilee
"CG" <cathg_S_PAM_F...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:6cnpq0p51gjlorlcc...@4ax.com...
> On Tue, 30 Nov 2004 13:04:21 -0600, "Marilee"
> <marilee....@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> >
> >.......She kept interrupting our talk, interjecting stuff, protesting,
wringing her
> >hands, etc. ***That*** was when I blew up. I told her, forcefully, to
just
> >shut up and let me think my thoughts and figure out what I wanted to do,
and
> >that she wasn't helping.
>
Well, thank you , I guess.
It was not one of my prouder moments, but I figure it was justified. Pretty
much.
Marilee
Chakolate
news:313uhlF...@uni-berlin.de:
> I'm still mad. Can you tell?
A perfectly reasonable mad IYAM.
> She stopped by the office this morning to complain some more about
> Marjorie.
LOL! I'm sorry, I know it isn't funny to you right now, but the
juxtaposition just tickled me.
You could try doing what I did once to a friend/boyfriend who kept
criticizing my best friend and asking about dirt about her. I dialled her
number, said, 'Wes has something to tell you', and handed him the phone.
I dumped him shortly after that. :-)
So keep Marjorie's number handy. In fact, you could put it on speed dial.
Marilee
> "Marilee" <marilee....@gmail.com> wrote in
> news:313uhlF...@uni-berlin.de:
>
> > I'm still mad. Can you tell?
>
> A perfectly reasonable mad IYAM.
>
> > She stopped by the office this morning to complain some more about
> > Marjorie.
>
> LOL! I'm sorry, I know it isn't funny to you right now, but the
> juxtaposition just tickled me.
Oh, good. I actually phrased it that way in hopes that someone would be
tickled.
>
> You could try doing what I did once to a friend/boyfriend who kept
> criticizing my best friend and asking about dirt about her. I dialled her
> number, said, 'Wes has something to tell you', and handed him the phone.
>
> I dumped him shortly after that. :-)
>
> So keep Marjorie's number handy. In fact, you could put it on speed dial.
Hmm. Yes. This has possibilities. Sometimes I run into the two of them in
stores; I could say something then, too.
(We all know I won't, though.)
Marilee
Mixter
the day after thanksgiving. mom never knew who her dad was (and still
doesn't to this day) and she told me the story of how she found out that her
mom lied to her for years and years.
i knew if i didn't commit those lines to paper, i would never remember half
the details in a few years (heck, not in a few weeks!)
thanks for the suggestion.
mickey
"Sue and Kevin Mullen" <kjmu...@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:31216hF...@uni-berlin.de...
Sue and Kevin Mullen
Mixter wrote:
> after reading this sue, i typed a few paragraphs of a story my mom told me
> the day after thanksgiving. mom never knew who her dad was (and still
> doesn't to this day) and she told me the story of how she found out that her
> mom lied to her for years and years.
>
> i knew if i didn't commit those lines to paper, i would never remember half
> the details in a few years (heck, not in a few weeks!)
>
> thanks for the suggestion.
Glad it helped. So many times I remember part of a story my mother
told me, but can't remember all of it.
sue
Eva
>
> > Ask her how she chose her occupation, whatever it may have been, and
what
> > she would have liked to do instead.
>
----------
This is incongruent with her stated resentment over having to care for
younger siblings as a child. Logically you would think she would have
resolved to be anything *but* a mother. Hmmmmmm.
Eva
Marilee
"Eva" <EvaDStr...@NOverizon.net> wrote in message
news:pGbrd.2742$_C2.1329@trndny01...
Marilee
"Eva" <EvaDStr...@NOverizon.net> wrote in message
news:pGbrd.2742$_C2.1329@trndny01...
>
I have had this same thought many times over. I never have understood it.
But then, she has often also said, quite bluntly, that if she could have had
children without being married (in her day and age it Just Wasn't Done--at
least around here) she would never have been married.
She denies saying such a thing, now, but we all remember her words on more
than one occasion. Poor Dad.
Marilee
Eva
I had a "difficult" mother too, you know. She came out with some pretty
strange remarks at times. I really sympathize.
Eva