Emotionally dead in Mountain View
Robert Maas
hopelessly lonely, where my emotional energy is so low I don't feel
like getting out of bed, ever. For most of the past month I spent
several hours each morning, from first-light to about 9:30 AM, lying
in bed feeling intense lonelinesss and hopelessness, trying to think
of any reason to get out of bed, unsucessfully. Previously I could get
out of bed to exchange e-mail, which wasn't enough to make me happy or
anything like that, but which did keep me emotionally alive. But the
past month or so I haven't felt much like exchanging e-mail any more.
I haven't had the emotionally energy to sustain any e-mail
relationships. I only just barely sometimes can give minimal replies
lately. So I don't even feel like getting out of bed to check my
e-mail lately. 9 days ago I discovered the only way to relieve the
terrible feelings was to spend the whole three hours each morning
intensely daydreaming about Sweet Pest. But that doesn't help any
more. I'm so emotionally dead now I can't come up with any pleasant
fantasies about her or anyone else. There's nothing I can imagine to
relieve the terrible feelings I have for several hours every morning,
and most of the rest of every day.
The last time I had any social contact (except e-mail), was last
Wednesday afternoon, just a little contact with people I'd never met
before, with no prospect of becoming friends with any of them, hardly
any chance of even becoming acquaintances. I've been absolutely
totally alone, with no human contact (except e-mail) all evening
Wednesday, and all of Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and all
alone so-far today, suffering abject social deprivation the whole
time. For a couple days I obtained slight relief by daydreaming about
the tiny bit of social contact I had Wednesday, but that doesn't work
any more.
At any given time I have only three choices: Staying alone in my
apartment; Going out to some public place and sitting somewhere
watching strangers walk by, never having anything to do with any of
them; Going out to some public place and approaching a stranger to try
to get social contact and being rejected for anything beyond a 'hi' in
return. I don't know anywhere I can go to find anyone who would want
to have any significant social interaction with me that would relieve
my terrible loneliness in any worthwhile way.
So I spend most or all of every day waiting to die.
Between now and death, I have no prospect of ever being with anybody.
Until a few days ago, if Sweet Pest decided to be my friend again, my
suffering would have been relieved. Now it's too late. Now when I
imagine her showing up at my door, asking to come in and be held in my
arms again, I have no feeling. I suppose I'd open the door and let her
come in, but instead of holding her in my arms, I'd probably just lie
down and go back to crying or feeling dead. If she came over and tried
to comfort me, I don't think I'd respond, I'd just lie there knowing
it was meaningless, that she never did really love me.
My last hope would be the only woman in the whole world whom I trust,
Cute Vibe, who stuck out her neck 8 days ago to openly identify
herself as my primary e-mail correspondent of the past three months,
ever since Sweet Pest dumped me. If she flew 3000 miles to see me, I'd
lie down with her and put my arms around her and just hold her against
me, waiting to see if any emotions ever return to me. A few days ago,
I would have loved her, and cared for her. But now it may be too late,
my emotions may be all dead now. Now I might just lie in bed with her
forever, never coming back to life again. It may be too late for me
now. My emotional death may be permanent now.
I suppose all the people who have been rejecting me, including Sweet
Pest, especially the people who have been actively attacking me,
libeling me, demeaning me, such as SoulSurgeon & Ron Drake & Tara J.
Ballance & shoshanaL & Rosena & glasshed & paperchaseguy & Pamela
(Unicorn) & Mark Dillon & catharus & JerryO & Pet & Ciccio & Gene E.
Bloch, are happy now. You've won. You've killed me.
P.S. Last night I watched "Felicity" for the first time ever. It was a
2-hour special composed of both episodes of the two-part "stalker"
storyline. He wasn't really stalking her by the legal definition,
trying to do her harm, her was merely following her around, intruding
on her life every chance he got, including infiltrating all her
friends and acquaintances. But I suppose what he did borders on
stalking. I've never done anything even close to that. Anyone who
calls me a stalker, or who says I do stalker-like things, is out of
his/her gourd!! Watch that episode and see the gross difference
between me trying to meet Janet once, and the guy in the "Felicity"
program seeing her over and over and over, incessantly nagging her for
a kiss. To Sweet Pest: We made each other happy when we were friends.
For three months afterward, I wanted so very much to be friends with
you again. But I would never do to you what the guy in the "Felicity"
program did to her. Do you understand how badly you and nearly
everyone else have mis-judged me??
