Finally, mouning process began

[SuperCalousFragileMysticPlaguedWithHalitosis]

like when my dad died in another country, where his funerals were months after his death, with my mom, due to covid nd so many waiting for the funerals of a loved one too, it took 2 months and a half before the funerals; in both parents case, this slowed down, put on an unwanted pause the mourning process.

The process this time is very different though.

with my dad, ùi knew even before the sll thst he hd passed. I even had written a friend that the angels had passed, that my dad had passed over.

In his case, i saw him in spirit form, transforming into light, before thecall even came letting me know he had died. He comforted me, spoke to m, aswered my tears with love nd changed them into s smile that satyed for days, despite the loss.
And then I talked to him, givingt him an earfull for 17 years, clearing all that I remembered of bad treatments, put downs, negligence, you name it. all bad memories were voiced by me. ùif thetapeutic, I still would each time end by feeing sorry for dumping it all on him..if it was his actions after all i was
voicing and letting go of, on by one.
When I wad done, i realized it had ben 17 years of nearly daily telling him all my heart had stayed heavily marked by..17 years of saying how I hated this and hat, how he bhurt me with this and that, thst it be done to me, my mom or my ibblingd or even to visitors, business persons, anyone. I felt like i must have made him live a hell for 17 long years.....and apologised each time yet...could not stop doing it sgain th next dsy, apologising sgain, and yet telling him sorry, but...
and yet during that time i kept having signs of his love for me.
so many lil miracles, but life saving ones...ùi also remmbered things he did for me that touched me so...ùi realised he as the one eho loved animals, not mom. mom loved animals but could rid of them too on a dime.
With my mom, it has been so weird so far....perhas it has not yet dawned on me, the reality of her being gone....I am at times touched to tears to think she did things so well til th end...waiting for u to be wuite old but also, spending yers in a cvid restriction, unble to esee any of us nor us her....poor mom....in that lowin us detachment...in other words I wonder at times ifI am not still unconsciously thinking she i still at the Home.

But the .ùmedium" part of me was quite angry at her fter s fe days....
she knew ùi had this gift, she woke me up on the night of the 27 to 28, shsking me to ak me up as she asked ù.ùc...! ùc...! whereever m ùiù66 ùi am lost....qhe am i??" wiht me answering asking her whee she thought she was. I mean, one doe dnot go ù.nyah nyah, you deadù. to s lost spirit. Iù donù,t snywy. not that way. she had answered with heittion ù. ùin...my room?"..I askd if dh a th door, she aid ye. if it was openef, sje said ye. ùi thn told hr sh noe could wslk out th door snd go anywhere she wanted. she asked -Really?? -Yup. You just have to imgine you re omehere and you will be there instantly. -Howcome? -You see mom, you are on th other side now...you are in heaven. and dad is watinfg for you. you must find him firstù; he know very well how it works over there and an teach you fast. ùbo is lo there, but he is afraid of meeting dad. ùso you must first find dad, ease him down, as he knows of things bro did most likely by now, which is why bro is frid to go find dad. ùbut once tou tslk to dad about this,then you can together go meet bro. dad will know how to and take you to him, both of you together. -How do i find dad? -:) Just imagine you are right by him. It should be easy cuse he was wating for you. ùthree days before you passedf, he did let me know you would...so...he knows and is right by you already. BTW, he opted to look youn ger, so do not be surprised. In fact he looks his age, but he did let go of all the marks, sgns, scrs, etc, of ny life incident, accident or even his beer belly:) He looks quite fit. a 73 yer old still, but like he never had orried, ickness or stress. ùhe looks like an artist:). but first look fo him, not for bro, okay? cause bro woudl not kno how to bring you aywhere to see nyone including dad. Find dad first!".

When she passed, ùi tol her to not forgetù;she could come and talk to me and I would hear her. tht at first iù might be too much on e mitting mode,but in time woujdl get to hesr her, bein on receiving mode more as days would go by.

However, save fo telling m the 29th, day before their weddinganiversay, to not worry, that she was feeling o nice, was so fine, I have not hard her since.
an it somehow got me worried, then annoyed, then upset, thrn... f;latly angry; I felt that just like she did not like me in life, she still did not in afterlife.
More: likde happen t tim ed, ùi got a sort of mssage : a vrse number ùi fat wrote down, on the dy she passed. ofcourse ùi was so sad, I did not chck it out thst dsy, and told myself when ùi would, it would surely fsll at the right time.
it was a erse from deuteronome. an old tetament book I did not remember ever reading. so ùi thought it oughts hve some mesning for sure, it could not come from my own memory.

a wek or do latwr, ùi found th note th thr verse number nd chckef it out. ùi clnched my teeth.
ùthe verse aid ù9free transation here) "Th illegetimtr hild eill not b llowed in hsven, nor will his descendants,even its tenth gnertion will not".

Remember he tild me hrn ùi was 4 that I was not bon to her but to someone ùi knew as my aunt, my dad,s sistr, so an illegitimate child.
I nappef ù.ùoh yesh? Got news for you, Jesus was a decendnt of fdavid they say and david was adopted, nah! So at that rate mom, jesus woudl not be allowed in heaven? makes zero sense, nah! there!:("

but in no time,I convinced myself this was NOT a message from my mom. a mom woujld never be so cruel! had to be some bad joker spirit...did i tell myself.

a day or 2 after that, a niece sent me pic she took of mom',s hands just after she passed.
and humpf.
her left hnd wrist bone ..the way it was shaped and stiking out...mine as a perfect copy of hers.....
I insantly thought "Forget dna tests, hahaha, this is as clar as it cn be, this woman ùwas my real mother!".
but at the sam time of course came .but....why hy why would oving mom ever tell hr 14 year old daughter she ws adopted and not hers??? That would actually ùbe so cruel!

amd anger slowly simmered and gre into just that" anger.
Coupled wiht her silence...tht was just her as cruel as he could be to me in real life!
I thought " she did not hsmge at all?? I had hoped ùi guess tht he , once in th light nd knwolfiing of sll things and .baithing in th ,light of mighty infinit lovù., she would want to talk or to console me, comort m, like dad did..like i would want to wiht my own son.....ùbut nope..she kept mute!

In her case yet it was only fo 17 days I let out ehst i thought of this and thst ime she hurt me o bad...ho she cated in ways that were just cruel wiht me or sibbling, etc. mxed içwith ù.ùhù ee offspring only remembr what hurts...I should so thsnk ylou for every singl mesl you cooked, every disper hnged, very piece of clothing eashed and ioned and mended and for all the clothd you made me on my silly inventing tis or thst design...cfor our beds always clesned, our bedrooms too, etc).
No answer. ùto one westion I had an answer thst surprised me. iù asjked her wy why whny, no anwer. thn ù.were you jalou of me, envying me for whtever reson you imagined?
and she answered ù. The gift...I was always a good healer, takin good csre of sick one and bfinging thrm bck to heslth. ùbut I did it with pateince and hard work...in your ase, you woujdl tske a b urried dead fog and bring it back to life, a caldf born paralysed and get it to wslk normlly, a blind one, and make it see....with no tim e or effort...
-ùbut mom..the calf ùi massaged teice dy, before and aftr shool cfor three weeks before it walked.....
-Three weeks. ladeeda. ùi could not hve fone this.
-............

so she was....resenting me cause of the healing gift???
I cou imgine how it might be fristrating to domone doing yhrir bt to see nother seemingly do it ewth her fingers up her nose.....
af yet duting thr next 17 days I as upset...realizing she had ied to me since my age q4, mad me pas or a liar, an idiot, etc, with my sibblings p;utting m don bout my telling thm mom told me ùi woudl have been adopte. ù.ùi blieved you. ùyou were my mom1 ùi id believe you! wy you ever eould sy this hen not true bests me. how a mom clojul be so cruel as o invent such a hing andx hen make fun of her gullable child beats me....and makes me ngry. ùhow could you ever do this to me? a nhy would antir hsve gred to play ht gne iht you nd csll m on mother,s dshy to adk me to comr over for motht, dsy, me ying ùi had already arranged to spend th dsy iht yùou...ad hr ssying oh ell, fprget it thrn, me ssyingù.ùbut auntie...you hve your other cidrenù. and her ssyingù.wht childrenù6 -Thoe of tour husbsnd yu rised, all five od themù6 -it is not th ame. ùthey are his, not mineù h had said...why oh why would she hve gotten in tht gajme wiht you?? entetainmentù6 ùfun to herù6 I can not b elieve she would have gotn into this game of yours....did she nit see the cruelty?

and if ùiù have not herd mom any more, th next weeks ere full o sudden rslisations of why this and hat happened, hings ùi could not explain to myself for making no sense, for pieces of puzzles missing..in a dsy, ùi could suddenly be hut like by a ton of brcks by the simple ansers as if ùi helf the keys to thr mysteries. ùnit LL OD THEM..AFTER ÙI had 4 or five revesaled in oen dme da, ùi had to slow down and assimilte it all before takingf in more..and ùi even gave it brsk since weeks to just go at my pave, asthere was too much to pnr on and pu back where the pices fit in the bigger puzzle picture....
rght now, I feel like mom has not chnged one bit on the other side....nada.
ùiùn a wa, it is nice to tnhink so. ùthis way she and dad and bro csn live the same wy rhey did before, with the ame dynamics..but...ssrunctionsl if so...

thn at times ùi hink .maybe she ahs not ctually passed to thr other side yet....
some stay between worlds s long l.ong tgime...and other times ùi think good lord, she musgt have hundreeds of frieds and relayive to meet gain up ther, and she must be ever sooo happy to meet thm again..no wondwr it eoudl tske her so longù..

as well, my mom used o tell us that we shoudl nto tslk t thr gone oens, thst it disturbed thm. such was hr belief. and beliefs stay with people s lomng long time as thy apss over....until the new reality makes its way nd they start seein things in a diffrent ,light -litterally.

But rhe howlinf pain and sobs always thought i would have, where ùi was sure ùi woudl die of a heart attack so bad it would be and so bad my heart feels like lately....none od that...Ywt??

so perhsps it is out of love she ignores me....so ùi do not fie od crying.....

I dunno..but f with dad it was q7 years of iving him what I thought, with mom it was only 17 days...where wiht bro was 7 years....
I know ahfound bro. No more sign of him since the dsy mom told me to not worry tht she as feeling o nice and was so fine....
BUT I wonder if dh did liten to me and found dadfordt. ùshealways choe her bo-biys before her bhubby and before any dsughnter of hers....so maybe she wen to bro...and both are stuck unable to get to find dad, if dad coudldind them on his own....
unless she wants to be ruel with dad now?;-).

I do hv the crying, softly, every now and hen, tearsfalling down..I so so love her....vn if she oudl be indeed cruel at imes. ùnrcissists make you p;ay a very high pice if thy think you hought domething you never even thought st ll, but thst hy think you thought, a far as it cn be from our oen wway of thinkinfg, only s projection o theirs....

but imagine this...knowing your dsughter csn hear the other side and not even tslking to her..? I dunno but FEELS like cruelty gain in a way.....if could be a n of resons....out of her control.

but...sigh..
that is where it is at....at times, thinking of ho o o l.opnely she as in thagt ùhome...gawd, tears fall.....
ùi sawa vidxeo ofd her ùi had not seen befoe where she just kets ou ù.alone in this room..it is so long...."Ca ne se fsit pas!" ( freetrabslation "no one woujld ever do sucxh a thing, it is wrong".

of xourse she coudl not emember the xplanation about covid estructions and us being forbidden to visit....
so perhsps she now is upset at us all thinking we all lt her down and ignoed her, now ign orong us back.
I alwys imagined we could fter she oudl p;ass, have a rime o rexonciliation, of undertandinf each other..but so far it hs been time ..as if...showing the same old pay back cfor ehat she thinks we did or thought or etc....

dunno.
but am not finding it it cool, let'ssay ;-).
At the same time, is a good thing ùi will not be giving her an earfuk for 17 years or more....ùi ind it m ight b e what hell might be like, the susrviving ones telling them what they resented, sisliked with thrm unable to say a thing or do thing to chnge any of it...
.
Ladt time I hard my dad was 3 days bfoe mom pased was it..the saturday before and she died on the uesdy morning. him tellikng me to hurry to go visit my mom..me asking him to pleae please not o thi tom me, thst ùi could not go visit her until the 15th. to let me have good time tking her out in thrnice park or even for car rixdes, maybe to retaurants if tey opened sgain, etc.
b ut she did pass few days after dad told me.....

o dad srill cn tlk to me after now 25 yrs....
but not mom after almost 3 months now....

time will tell, if i live long enough to know in this life.

But sure is strange..ad thissaid from someone used to "strange!:):)
I could see my dad,s spirit at his funeral, joking nd all.
i looked and looked and did not see mom at hers....
so pehaps she has not reachd th other side yet.....
thn wgain, she did day she as feeling o nice and fine....

go figure.

Love you just the same and miss you, mom.
I was just not allowed in to visit you....But I sso thought of you each day, sending love and healing waves....singing you songs from a distance...
All my love!
your daughter, that you disown(ed) her or not. That wrist bone does not lie!