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Intergender to me
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River Moreland
Feb 21, 2024, 9:35:39 PM2/21/24
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I came to this “intergender” term independently, as nothing else seemed to fit. I’ve had a lifetime of dysphoria, alienation and rejection. Instead of getting used to it, I’ve become less and less satisfied with being different due to the impact it’s had on my self-worth and quality of life. No matter how I try to fit in, I’m not respected. I’m not treated as an equal. I can’t find community: not with queer people, trans people, non-binary people, asexual people, etc.
The ideals of typical male and typical female have always felt equally distant from my nature. Ideally, I want to be valued for who I am, and the unique perspectives I have, not merely tolerated. Though I resent the privileges I miss out on not being sex-typical, and I resent the reactions people have to me of rage and disgust, and I resent the rejection and dismissal I experience, I have realized that the potential to love myself is there, because although I have fantasized about being normal, and how much less painful it would make my life, when I imagine an ideal world where everybody is respected and treated equally for what they bring to the table as individuals, I don’t want to be anything but me: genetically/hormonally intersex, cognitively/emotionally gender-neutral.
I feel grateful for the perspective my life experience has afforded me. There is so much I would never have learned about human nature had I been born typical. I don’t want to loathe my body or my psyche. I have internalized mistreatment, but I want to be able to accept myself fully, even on the worst days. I still don’t know whether or not presenting more androgynously and aligning my outsides with my insides would make any difference for me.
I can’t relate to those with sociopolitical or aesthetic motivations for how they present externally. I don’t belong in the image-focussed social media non-binary community for that reason. A costume is not an identity, but it can be a signifier. The question is, do I want to signal to the world what I’ve been fighting in myself my entire life? Is that the healthy way forward? Would it even get across the message I want to send to anyone, that this is the most accurate way I can think to represent my personality, or would it just be seen as a sign of political rebellion?
The ideals of typical male and typical female have always felt equally distant from my nature. Ideally, I want to be valued for who I am, and the unique perspectives I have, not merely tolerated. Though I resent the privileges I miss out on not being sex-typical, and I resent the reactions people have to me of rage and disgust, and I resent the rejection and dismissal I experience, I have realized that the potential to love myself is there, because although I have fantasized about being normal, and how much less painful it would make my life, when I imagine an ideal world where everybody is respected and treated equally for what they bring to the table as individuals, I don’t want to be anything but me: genetically/hormonally intersex, cognitively/emotionally gender-neutral.
I feel grateful for the perspective my life experience has afforded me. There is so much I would never have learned about human nature had I been born typical. I don’t want to loathe my body or my psyche. I have internalized mistreatment, but I want to be able to accept myself fully, even on the worst days. I still don’t know whether or not presenting more androgynously and aligning my outsides with my insides would make any difference for me.
I can’t relate to those with sociopolitical or aesthetic motivations for how they present externally. I don’t belong in the image-focussed social media non-binary community for that reason. A costume is not an identity, but it can be a signifier. The question is, do I want to signal to the world what I’ve been fighting in myself my entire life? Is that the healthy way forward? Would it even get across the message I want to send to anyone, that this is the most accurate way I can think to represent my personality, or would it just be seen as a sign of political rebellion?
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