Right choice?
David Martin
of you people because so many have common experiences. Well I am very
close to making a choice in my life and I am confused about why others
react the way they do. Just over 1 1/2 years ago my father murdered my
mother and then hung himself. It was quite out of the blue. I have been
a paramedic in a large city for 15 years. The choice I am about to make
is to leave my profession and pursue a career (hopefully) in the
computer field. I have no formal training in computers but I have taught
myself alot. Now, what confuses me is the reaction that friends and
family have towards this. It`s as if I have told them that I have joined
up with a group of rouge aliens and I`m off to another planet. I am
still a bit unsure of this choice but I don`t know what else to do. Of
all the jobs in the world I had to be a dam paramedic! I know that one
day I will go to a call for a hanging. This thought is always in my
mind.I would possibley just do the call as normal and no big deal. This
is what most of my co-workers tell me. But I ask my self after all that
I have been through why keep torturing myself. I am VERY tired and there
seems to be be no light ahead. I have been in this dark void for so long
now and I despise the thought of dealing with more tragic and sad events
even if that is I have been so good at for so long in my career. In my
profession people put up a wall to protect themselves and my wall was
quite solid. In fact black humor is one way of putting up that wall.
Well I have no more black humor left. I am not sure if such a major
change in my life is right but this whole thing is consuming my every
waking thought. Ironically I received a commomdation this week for a
call I did. The plaque is still in its box...
lyd...@ibm.net
>.....The choice I am about to make
>computer field. I have no formal training in computers but I have taught
Dear David,
Many people dont understand the need for you to take a 'break'. There is
nothing wrong with your desire to step out of your first profession. It may be
the right move for you, it may not.....you wont know until you try it. You have
to work and under the current circumstances, your heart is telling you to move
on now.....follow it, by all means. If you decide down the road that you have the
desire to go back to being a paramedic, you can always do that also. Best of
luck in your new venture! I am sure you will be successful at whatever you
put your mind to!
Hugs and keep us posted,
Lydia
http://www.westga.edu/~wmaples/aneurysm.html (see Fiance (NZ)) for my story.
Lana B. Swan
I haven't written before, because there seem no words that could comfort you in the face of
such tragic losses. Just know that I am sorry. I think it's wonderful that you can write about it.
One of the new books I purchased yesterday called "Memento Solace for Grieving." I think
this verse is for you:
"Silence is no certain token
That no secret grief is there;
Sorrow which is never spoken
Is the heaviest load to bear."
Frances Ridley Havergal, "Misunderstood," stanza 15
I almost feel as if I know you. I have a friend whose last name is Martin whose brother is a
fireman and a hero. My daughter's life was saved by a paramedic named Wibur when she
was twelve. He told me he became a paramedic because of the paramedics who tried to save
his wife's life. His wife died, but Brooke lived four more years because of the choice he made
following his wife's death. The green sheep wearing his name badge is still on Brooke's bed
and everytime I see it, I think of Wilbur and the gift of those four years. One of my favorite
cousins was in a very bad car accident when he was 18. His very handsome face still bears the
scars. The paramedics saved his life and he chose to become a paramedic as a result. After a
number of years he couldn't bear the witnessing of such pain, the "wall" began to crumble
and he chose another career.
The sentence I read in my new gardening book "An artful life is not achieved by planning
but emerges as a person follows his or her heart." spoke to me and it sounds like your heart is
speaking to you. I don't see how you can go wrong. You can always go back if your heart
sends a new message. I went into the computer field with absolutely no background and no
experience almost ten years ago and I've done very well. My heart is saying it is time to do
something different. I'm not sure how to make it happen, but in reading about Claude Monet
and his gardens at Giverny, I thought how nice it would be to garden and paint.
Brooke and her brother, Travis are both artists. Neither would ever study watercolor which is
a medium I especially love. It occured to me yesterday that if I wanted watercolors I could
study myself and I stopped by to visit their former teacher whose paintings I love. She has an
opening in her Thursday night watercolor class and she said I'd love the other people in the
class and that she'd love to have me as a student. So I think that is what I am going to do.
Who knows where it will lead?
So, I say follow your heart, David. And may it lead you to a better, more peaceful place.
Lana
Mother of Brooke 3/22/79-8/24/95
Zpr Bk
As a former firefighter in a big city I understand your feelings and the
black humor that goes on around the kitchen table at the firehouse, the
things we discuss there would be inappropriate anywhere else. I was
pensioned off after breaking my back in '86, I was working the squad one
tour out of four as an EMT, as we could never get enough paramedics even
though they were paid more than firefighters. I was always very good at
not becoming emotionally involved in most cases and being professional
about my job, however this was very difficult when it came to children.
We always believe children are not supposed to die, but you and I know
different, in my career as a firefighter and in the rescue squad I have
seen children die as I'm sure you have.
I have been in this group for 3 1/2 months since my 15 year old son Nick
took his own life, this group has been a great help to me as I attempt to
resume my life. The department I was in would grant leave of absences
for 1 year without loss of seniority, as I have been out for 10 years I'm
not sure this is still available, but I believe that may be your best
option. If your dept. offers this you could check out other options
without giving up your position, I understand your feelings about
continuing as a paramedic and dealing with things that will bring back
memories of your personal loss. I am sure the conversations at the
firehouse and the experiences of working the squad would be much harder
for me to deal with now, than they ever were in the past.
God Bless and take care,
Bob, Dad to Nick(forever) 10/20/80-11/10/95
Al Ruffinelli
> I have posted here on once in a while and I value the comments of many
> of you people because so many have common experiences. Well I am very
> close to making a choice in my life and I am confused about why others
> react the way they do.
my humble opinion is that your friends should respect your decision. it's
your life, isn't it? if you don't know what's best for you, who does?
sorry about your parents. I have no idea what I would think or feel in
your place.
------------------------------------------------------------
Al Ruffinelli <alv...@svpal.org>
http://www.netgate.net/~alvaro
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Hydroelect
I want you to know that you are not alone in your decision. I am a
Volunteer FF/EMT and I have the same fear of "that" call. My wife and I
lost our baby Ava at birth and I dread getting an Infant call. I hadn't
given it a lot of thought until this past weekend when I attended a
regional EMS conference and was jolted by the stories of loss told by the
speakers.
Up until this weekend I had myself convinced that my loss would be my
strength for the patients and families of patients I see. Now I'm not sure
that I can continue trying to comfort others while I relive my own grief
at each scene of loss.
I back your decision to change careers and understand that being a
paramedic is stressful enough without the extra burden of personal loss
and grief. I am truly sorry for the loss of your mother and your father
and hope you find peace.
Mark
Jackie Naiditch
I've read a post of yours before. I'm very sorry about the tragic
deaths of your parents.
I find it rather curious that your friends aren't supportive of a new
career choice. I think it's totally understandable why you would no
longer want to be a paramedic.
Have you ever considered joining a grief support group, where you would
find support in dealing with your parents' deaths and with all the other
issues those deaths bring up, like a change of careers? Going to a
grief support group is one of the few things that's provided comfort to
me since the death of my brother, Mark.
Take care,
Jackie